Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

[man vocalizing]

TURKEY

Gentlemen, I got some really good Turkish snacks for you.

We have dolma wine leaves stuffed with rice.

We have red pepper stuffed with feta cheese.

Daddy, that's very you.

-It is absolutely repellent. -What is that?

That's what we call şirdan.

It's the part of the upper int...

-Yeah, we know what part it is. -...intestines.

-We make it as a kebab. -It's very clear.

Remember that time I walked in on you in the bathroom?

No, I do not.

[Mert] Take a bite.

-Remember that boy you fancied? -[Jack laughs]

[Mert] We will put the plate underneath just in case.

Oh!

I might take this one 'cause I need it to be--

[Michael] It's so gross!

[theme music plays]

[folk music plays]

[Jack] After five countries,

three thousand miles,

and countless attempts to teach me a thing or two,

we've reached my father's final destination:

Istanbul.

The very edge of Europe.

A bustling metropolis of over 15 million people.

My father really is full of surprises.

So why did you pick this place? It doesn't strike me as a very you city.

Because it's great!

I mean, it's historically one of the great cities of the world,

Constantinople.

Istanbul.

Well, yeah, it's not-- To me, it will always be Constantinople.

It was very often the last destination of people who went on the Grand Tour.

I saw every episode in the last series

and I don't remember them coming to Istanbul.

What, they made a series about the Grand Tour?

Yeah. A car show, with Jeremy Clarkson.

No, it's not a car show!

It's not with Jeremy Clarkson.

-[Jack] Okay, sorry. -It's Lord Byron and--

No, it's Richard Hammond,

James May, and Jeremy Clarkson. Lord Byron isn't in the Grand Tour.

[laughs]

[Michael] Remember, it's my birthday while we're here.

-So just be nice to me. -What are you? Seven years old?

-Just be nice to me. -You have to be nice to me...

-...because it's my birthday. -No, I didn't say that.

You sound like a seven-year-old girl.

I'm just saying every time we go anywhere, you grab it, take it over,

and go shooting down market.

-And I'm saying, on this occasion... -Yeah.

...just try and learn a bit.

Because it's Mikey's birthday and everyone has to be nice to him.

Do you want a badge?

[Jack] This is truly one of the most vibrant cities in the world,

an intoxicating clash of Western culture

and Eastern mysticism.

Full of exotic sights and sounds.

So where has Daddy requested we stay?

Downton Abbey.

This is, in fact, the Ciaran Palace Hotel

and as it's his birthday, and I've promised to be nice,

I've decided it can be my treat.

Welcome to Ciaran Palace Kempinski Istanbul.

[Michael] I see they've rolled out the red carpet for me.

[Jack] This is so you. Completely over the top.

[Michael] About time we stayed somewhere decent.

[Jack] And my father has already reserved our room.

Here we are, at the second floor of the palace.

Welcome to the Sultan suite.

Wow.

This is amazing.

This is my kind of world.

Where's the bed? Does this fold-out?

[man] We actually have two bedrooms.

One master bedroom and one guest bedroom as well.

You seriously thought that this room would have a sofa bed in it, did you?

[Jack] I didn't see a bed.

Do those dudes stay there the whole time, even when we we're in the room?

Your palace butlers are going to be here.

-[Jack] Butlers? -[man] Definitely.

Would you like to see the master bedroom as well?

[Michael] Yes.

Would you like to see the master bedroom, Jack?

-Yes! -Not that you'll be sleeping in it, but...

-[whistles] Wow. -[man] So here we are.

-The master bedroom. -Amazing.

Welcome to the suite.

Many people--

uh, many famous people stayed in this room as well.

Who's slept in that bed there?

Madonna, Putin, Pavarotti...

All at the same time?

-Not exactly. You're happy with the room? -[Michael] Mmm.

-Great. We'll take it. -Very nice.

-Please take your time. -Let's do it.

-[Jack] Quite weird knowing that-- -[Michael] What? That Putin--

Vladimir Putin has probably had a wank in that bed.

-Oh, Jack, please! -What? It's a hotel.

It's almost certain that he has.

Why would he be wanking in the hotel?

Because he's a bloke and he's in a hotel.

Pavarotti is what he said, didn't he?

Yes, I could understand maybe him having one, but...

I think Putin has probably got bigger things on his mind, wouldn't you?

What, you don't think Putin has one off the wrist?

-He might, occasionally-- -Probably why he's so angry.

Quite weird you suggesting it.

[folk music plays]

Fuck.

It's unbelievable!

May I ask for your credit card?

-For pre-authorization. -What's the room rate?

Thirty thousand Euros, uh,

plus VAT.

Okay.

That--

Thirty thousand Euros for the--

-Per night. -Per night?

-Yes. -Wow.

Um...

What about if we got rid of the butlers?

Could you do like a mates rate?

-Unfortunately, we cannot do anything. -I have to have a butler?

-[Michael] Everything sorted? -Yep, absolutely. Everything is okay.

It's fine, it's your birthday.

While I make a mental note to re-mortgage my flat,

my father has already gotten our day mapped out.

We're off to the Old City,

a world heritage site.

Stuffed full of Byzantine basilicas,

religious frescos,

and archaeological artifacts,

unfortunately.

[Michael] We're meeting up with a guide, a bit further down here,

who's gonna show us...

the Blue Mosque.

We should definitely have a shisha as well.

-Shisha pipe? -No, no, no.

It's nothing to do with shisha pipes.

This is a famous historic monument.

-[Mert] Hello, gentlemen. -[Michael] Hello.

-Hi. -Hi, Jack.

-Good to see you. Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-Welcome to Istanbul, my hometown, folks. -Thank you.

Now, what I want you to do for this young man

is to give him a little bit of culture.

That is a culture-free zone over there at the moment.

This is the Old Town of Istanbul, it's the cultural center.

So he can find everything in here.

Right in here, we have an amazing blue mosque from the 17th century.

-Yes. Incredible. -And in front of us,

we have an amazing building, Hagia Sophia, from 6th century A.D.

And we have also a grand bazaar a couple of hundred yards.

-I'd love to get a doner kebab as well. -Oh, yeah.

-We can do that, definitely. -Brilliant.

-But we have a small problem. -Yeah?

I can only take this guy to the beach party.

We have a strict dressing code for the mosques

and for the other museums.

Kind of like, we better have long trousers.

Let's go to the bazaar. Maybe I'll buy some trousers--

-Oh, yeah, definitely. -Okay. Which way, this way?

-This way. -To the bazaar!

[Jack] Can I get an ice cream?

So now, we're not, of course, going to the mosque,

we're now going to a bazaar...

-Yes. -...we're going to get ice creams.

-You like the bazaar! -Suddenly all the culture's falling away.

-It's a historical bazaar. -Oh, historical? All right.

You can buy some stuff there. You love buying tat on holiday.

It will have lots of tat.

Okay, gentlemen, welcome to Grand Bazaar.

This place is the oldest shopping mall in the world.

Nice!

The Grand Bazaar has a staggering 4,000 shops,

selling everything from Persian rugs,

replica weapons, and ceramic cats.

Just the kind of tat my dad loves to spend my inheritance on.

Right.

Trousers?

I'd like to have a look at some fezes.

And, sure enough, he's off.

That feels a bit small.

Jack, what do you think?

-It's a traditional-- -It's a traditional fez.

Real felt.

You look a bit like the manager of a Chinese restaurant.

-Where are you gonna wear this? -In the evening maybe, after dinner,

with a cigar?

Now you are Ottoman Fez.

I think that probably is too big for me.

You look like a garden gnome.

This man. Here.

We want a man bag.

Man bag?

Man bag?

Now you're talking!

-Hey! -And real leather.

Yes. Nice quality leather.

I think it's quite butch.

I'd say there's many things that I'd describe it as,

but butch is not one of them.

Does it have a matching purse?

Jack, look at this.

This is something here I fancy.

For Winston.

He would love something like that.

You're not buying Winston any clothes.

Well, he's-- Obviously he's too young for that now,

but in a year's time, when he grows--

He's not going to grow. He's a doll.

Which way, swords?

Swords?

Swords?

Thank you very much.

Jack, come on.

He just wanders off.

- All right, yes! -You're not buying that.

-Why? -You can't buy that. You'll be arrested.

I really like this stick.

Fantastic. That's a fez,

a man bag, two Winston ensembles, and a sword stick.

Jack, pay the man.

All added to my credit card.

But on the plus side,

Daddy does seem to have forgotten completely about going to that mosque.

And he's even agreed that now I can have a little treat.

This guy makes the best ice cream in Istanbul!

-Hello. -Hello.

-One ice cream, please. Very good. -How are you? Yes, please.

-Which one do you want? -Chocolate, please.

-Thank you. Okay. -Thanks.

Thank you.

-What is this? -What?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Okay, just-- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is less of an ice cream, more of an assault.

If he gives you ice cream, it's a real treat.

Hello. Try.

-Try. -Ah--

Try.

Extra, one more, one more, one more.

No!

-Extra one more. -Ah!

Come on.

-Thank you very much. -Thank you very much.

Okay.

Oh! Ah!

Thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you.

-Thank you. -Thank you, my friend.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Well done, Jack.

Just around the corner

from the world's most theatrical ice cream parlor

is another Turkish delight.

A hookah bar.

Now, this is real authentic culture!

Surely, Daddy's going to love it.

Oh, God.

Gentlemen, when in Rome, do as Romans. Would you like to have some hookah?

-Have you ever had a shisha before, Daddy? -Yes, millions of times.

No, I have not.

Are you gonna get hooked on this?

No, it's just flavored tobacco!

This isn't drugged.

You mean people do this deliberately for enjoyment?

Can you-- No, thank you.

Can you keep the smoke in, rather than blowing it all out?

Just inhale it. Oh!

-It's just-- -Fuck off!

-It's just flavored tobacco! - Fuck off!

-I'll give you blowback. -No, I do not want blowback.

No!

Stop it.

-Stop it! -Just put your mouth against mine.

-I'll blow it in your mouth. -No, I do not want it.

-Then it takes the hit. -I do not want it.

Should I bring some snacks before we're having a third World War?

-Yeah, let's have some snacks. -We got really good snacks.

And maybe like a Turkish coffee, or a tea, or something?

-Turkish tea would be wonderful. -Would you like a nice tea?

You look absolutely ridiculous.

-Why would people be doing it? - Because it's relaxing.

But look at them out there. They all look completely mad.

Hmm, let me think. Everyone smoking the pipe, very relaxed.

The one guy not smoking the pipe

is acting like he's just put his willy in a hornet's nest.

This is presumably drugged tea, no?

It's just a normal tea.

Surely at some point during the '60s,

you must have had a little toke on the wacky baccy?

No, I didn't.

You've never taken a drug in your entire life?

No, not in my life. I disapprove of it.

You're from a theatrical background.

-Yeah. -Surely they were all--

No, they weren't all acid, as you were about to say.

Didn't you hang out with David Bowie once?

Yes, but I didn't take drugs with him.

Well, we were in...

Germany,

in Berlin.

-You were in Berlin with David Bowie? -Mm-hmm.

And we went to a nightclub.

You had to remove all your clothes.

-The girls were all naked. -There were--

But also, the guests had to,

and I refused to remove my clothes.

So, wait, you had an orgy with David Bowie--

No, it wasn't an orgy, we were just having drinks...

-Just-- just naked drinks? -...in this bar.

Just the idea of you and David Bowie on a night out is kind of...

unbelievable.

So Daddy could even ruin a night out for David Bowie.

And, sadly, his mosque is now shut.

But on the positive side, Mert has promised my father a night at the Opera.

Here we go.

See? I told you we'd go to the Opera.

I think you're gonna like this place, guys.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

Those eagle-eyed amongst you may notice this is not the Opera.

This is a very intimate performance of Turkish belly dancing.

As performed by a wonderful local gentleman called Ade.

So, Jack, this is a big part of the Mediterranean culture.

In the ancient times,

rather than taking female belly dancers,

always the armies were taking the male belly dancers.

So this was how they were keeping the soldiers entertained.

We had a similar thing at my boarding school, on the rugby tour to Argentina.

Mmm.

I would have bet good money that my father would've left by now.

But, in fact, he seems positively mesmerized.

-What do you think, Daddy? -What?

What do you think?

I'm very, very confused.

Finally, the big day has arrived.

Happy birthday!

What are you doing in here?

Oh, Jack!

-Birthday surprise! -It's seven o'clock in the morning!

-Happy birthday. -No, fuck off.

-Daddy! -No, I don't want--

I don't want you in my bed.

-I brought you breakfast in bed! -It's--

I don't want you in my bed at seven o'clock in the morning

and you also know I don't--

I'm not remotely interested in--

Kippers!

That looks disgusting. What is that?

-Kippers! -Those are not kippers.

You like kippers!

After my night-- I've had a sleepless night.

Why?

I had a terrible dream that I was in bed

with that bloke who was doing the belly dancing.

-Oh, God. -Have you had a bit of dawn horn?

No, definitely no horn of any description.

Anyway, can you just leave me alone in here while I recover? And it's--

I mean, I can't believe you've come this early in the morning.

It's your birthday, I want you to celebrate the day.

I'm not interested in celebrating my birthday.

Savor the day. The big seven-eight!

You'll discover, when you're my age,

that these birthdays are not things to celebrate.

Okay. I'm not gonna lie.

I was a little worried about doing the big surprise this morning.

-Why? -Well, because of the old ticker. But...

it's always risky doing any kind of birthday surprise

for anyone that's north of 70.

There is nothing wrong with my ticker.

-Okay. -It's as solid as a rock.

As is your pecker after those dreams, I imagine.

I can't exchange gags with you at this time of the morning.

Okay.

-Well-- -Why don't you come back in...

Come back in...

about four hours.

-Okay, well, I'll see you in a bit. -Okay, fine.

-Happy birthday. -Thank you.

It was very sweet of you to come and surprise me like that.

God, he's an annoying little shit.

Well, it is my birthday.

So I should be grateful for that,

that I've managed to live for another year.

I'm of an age where I'm not exactly

celebrating my birthdays now.

They seem to have gotten the tone slightly wrong,

or maybe Jack's got the tone slightly wrong.

I mean, that whole thing about the Grand Tour.

And they went to broaden their minds.

I'm not sure that Jack's mind has been broadened very much.

[Jack] While my father has been moping in his suite,

I've been hard at work.

I know he thinks this whole trip has not exactly gone the way he planned,

but on today, of all days,

I'm ready to step up, show him I've been listening,

and deliver a birthday to remember.

I know how excited this kind of shit makes him, so...

I'm doing this for him.

I'm going full Michael Whitehall.

Suit. Neat hair.

I've also tucked my armpits,

and stretched my bollocks by about a foot.

All the plans are coming together nicely.

Our special guest has arrived.

And I've told Daddy to be suited and booted,

ready for a magical evening, for just the two of us.

Daddy, ready?

-Huh, it's Winston. -Yes, I know. Okay.

In his new suit.

Come on, we're going. It's time for your birthday surprise.

-What's that? -It's for the surprise!

-No, I don't want that. What do I-- -Yes.

-Let's be blindfolded. -Why are you blindfolding me?

Because it's a surprise.

-Should Winston have a blindfold? -No. He can't see. Forward.

-[Michael] Okay. -Forward.

Forward.

Right.

Left.

-Left. No! That left. -Oh, God.

Daddy, forward. Okay. You want to just take this off?

-Until we get out of the room. -That would be a very good idea.

-Yes, and then we'll put it on. -Okay, fine.

In here.

Yeah, I know.

-Yes. -And...

This evening's entertainment.

[Michael] Oh, look!

-[Jack] A string quartet. -[Michael] Very nice!

[quartet begins playing]

[Jack] That's not the main surprise.

The main surprise is gonna fling out someone very special.

Momza!

Momza!

Oh, look!

-Happy birthday! -Thank you, my love.

Oh.

-Lovely to see you! -Am I glad to see you in one piece.

So darling.

-Happy birthday! -What a great surprise!

-A bit much, a bit much. -What a surprise!

[Michael] Wonderful.

-[Hilary] Here we are. -Oh, look at this!

[Jack] We'll have dinner.

A birthday surprise.

That is so amazing.

Lovely to see you, bubs.

-On the scale of one to ten... -[Michael] Yeah?

-...as surprises go, how was that? -[Michael] Amazing.

-Ten? -Absolutely amazing.

Ten out of ten, more than ten.

[Hilary] Wow!

This is exciting.

-Look at that. -[Hilary gasps]

-Oh, wow. -[Hilary] Ta-dah!

-[Jack] Welsh lamb. -[Hilary] Wow.

-Wow, look at that. -[Hilary] It's got all your favorites.

[Michael] All my best.

So, generally speaking, how's the food been?

There was that penis, wasn't there?

You ate a penis?

No, I did not eat a penis. It was not a penis.

It's a delicacy out here that they have, which is rice stuffed in awful--

Oh, yes, that's right.

All right, where's the penis come into it, then?

It looks like a penis. I didn't eat a penis.

Stop saying that I ate a penis.

The penis that you had yesterday--

I didn't. Stop saying I ate a penis.

You said you felt rather uncomfortable.

I didn't. I actually felt very comfortable

-putting that in my mouth. -Really?

Jack, is there something you need to tell me?

I hope this dinner isn't all about...

you telling us anything.

-My coming-out dinner? -Yeah.

It would be a good way to do it, Jack.

I'm not...

Can you stop pressuring me into coming out?

[Hilary laughs]

Sorry.

The whole premise of this trip

was that you were going to try and help Jack become more cultured.

Yeah. I mean, at the beginning of this trip,

to be honest, I-I wondered whether I'd made a mistake.

Because, I mean, you're not hugely cultured.

In all honesty, I think that maybe

the cultural agenda,

we might have failed on.

I think low-end, we've taken in quite a lot.

-Haven't we? To be honest. -[Jack] Yeah. But I do think

being in this extreme environment and being together

so intensely for such a long period of time,

we've ended up having conversations that we had never had before.

And I feel like, you know, I've caught some of your pearls of wisdom.

Thank you very much for that.

Very sweet of you.

Do you think you've learned anything from Jack?

[folk music plays]

[Jack] Really?

Oh, God. I think it's time I showed my father

one more gift.

So your final birthday surprise

is just down there.

Oh, that boat?

It's absolutely amazing!

You bought me a boat!

I didn't buy it.

It's just hired for an hour.

-It's gonna take us around for a bit. -Oh, fine.

-It's like a boat trip sort of thing? -Yes.

-What, you thought I bought you that? -No.

Obviously, I mean, it was there. I thought you'd--

No, but that's still nice.

-How long have we got it for? -An hour.

-For an hour. -Yeah!

All right. That's really nice. Thanks!

Cheers!

-It's exciting, isn't it? -Yes, very.

[folk music plays]

[Jack] And, of course, what sunset cruise across the bay

would be complete without champagne

served by Daddy's favorite wine expert...

Daddy.

...all the way from Moldova.

-Yes? -A little surprise.

Valeriu.

-[Jack laughs] -No--

What are you--? My friend!

Oops!

It's not a great moment, with a boat, doing all this.

-Happy birthday! -Thank you very much.

[Jack] Well, I thought if I can't be the sophisticated son

Daddy's always wanted,

the least I could do was ship one in.

[Jack] Amazing we're right bang in the middle of Asia and Europe.

Well, that's why I brought you here because it's like the end of Europe.

It sort of rounds the whole thing off nicely.

It's been an amazing time.

You know how much I enjoyed your company.

I see Momza's getting on very well with Valerio over there.

He'd actually be quite useful to have around the house.

You know, I mean, he could help with the wine and that sort of thing.

Keep the cellar ready, you know, for action.

And I suppose sort of keep Momza ready for action, too.

What do you think?

Oh, my God.

[Jack] I think it may be time for Daddy to keep his pearls of wisdom to himself.

[Hilary] They're not ones to open up to each other,

and I think that this trip has made them do that.

And I think Jack's definitely learned some things about his dad

and indeed from his dad.

And I think it's sweet that, actually, they've probably

are more alike than they think.

You know, the absolute crowning example of the being very alike

is they're both feeling sick as dogs on the back of this boat.

Oh, my God, I feel wretched.

Yeah, so do I.

[Jack] Why did I get a boat?

I hate boats.

Focus on the horizon. That's what they say.

It makes you feel less sick.

Looks like you're almost done. Should we have some more wine?

I don't think that's a good idea.

-No? -No.

-I think probably not. Thanks, Valerio. -All right.

Leave the bucket. Could you just leave the bucket?

You can take the rest away.

-Thank you. -All right. Okay.

We'll put that there for easy access.

Happy birthday!

[Michael] I'm so grateful that you're here.

[groans]

I think we're gonna need a bigger bucket.