Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

[dramatic music plays]

UKRAINE

[Daria] We just entered the exclusion zone.

[Jack] Daddy?

I've just seen a sign that says "Radioactive."

Where?

-Oh, there? -Yeah.

[Michael] Hmm.

Look, there.

Do you have any idea how radiation works?

You think that's gonna help?

Maybe.

You are ridiculous.

[Michael] Winston, come here. Come to Daddy.

Look at all these derelict buildings. Daddy?

Right. You can't see anything with that.

-There's no point-- -Fuck off!

-Daddy-- -What are you doing?

There is no point--

[Michael] Poor Winston!

[theme song plays]

[folk music plays]

[Jack] After my little detour to Moldova,

Daddy is wrestling back control,

dragging me to Kiev,

capital of Ukraine.

A fiercely independent warrior nation.

So damn tough,

it's currently fighting over territory with Russia.

And where the most famous politician

is a former three-time world heavyweight boxing champion.

Clearly, Daddy is about to open up a whole new front

in his campaign to transform me.

[Michael] We're halfway through the trip

and things aren't going according to plan.

Jack's arsing around, as one would expect him to do.

I mean, that pop group,

The Sunshine Boys or whatever they're called--

I mean, they were very sweet,

but I haven't brought Jack all the way out here

so that he can stand on a stage

in an arena and show off.

I'm trying to get him into a completely different world now.

Ukraine is a serious country.

I think we can make a man of him here.

And I think this could be the moment.

-[Jack] What are we doing today? -I'm not telling you.

-Tell me what it is. -No!

What do you mean, tell you what it is? It's a surprise.

[sighs] I've been told to meet you in the lobby wearing training gear.

You can understand that I'm suitably confused.

Well, that's all I asked you to do.

It's a nice surprise. Okay?

Fine.

[horn honking]

Oh, my God, is this one of those things, like on a stag-do,

-where you paid someone to kidnap me? -[horn honks]

[Michael] No, it isn't.

Get in, guys.

[folk music plays]

Okay, what is going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

This guy is a tough guy.

Called Dimitri. He's a cossack, all right.

Have you ever heard of cossacks?

-They do the dancing? -No.

Well, they do that as well, but that's not their main--

-Are we going to dance today? -No.

It's nothing about dancing.

He is going to toughen you up.

All right?

Dimitri, over to you.

Okay. For us, in our country,

being cossacks, it's very simple, it's being a man.

[horn honks]

True spirit of warrior, of protector.

And you're gonna put Jack through some quite hard training, aren't you?

First of all, I need to see what he can do.

[Michael] Well, I would say, somewhere around nothing.

-You agree with that? -Well, I think you'll be pretty impressed.

Get me on the punch bag early, that's all I can say.

I'll introduce you to Lance Corporal Punishment and Professor Pain.

What, about boxing?

Yeah, these are-- that's what this was a reference to.

Awesome.

We're in the world of fantasy now.

[rock music plays]

[Jack] It turns out that cossacks aren't dancers,

but a symbol of Ukrainian might.

They've battled everyone from Bolsheviks to Nazis,

and are now embroiled in the conflict in the East.

And this is Kiev's Kachalka Gym,

where tough guys test their metal

on machines cannibalized from old military munitions,

tanks, and tires.

The perfect playground for my guns.

Yeah, this is a bit of me.

I'm here to prove my fitness,

and, looking around, I have to say

I'm feeling pretty confident.

This is one of the places that make Ukrainian people stronger.

This is a tough place for tough people.

Does it have a spa?

-No. -[Jack] No? Okay.

-Does it look like it's got a spa? -No, admittedly.

-Could be something going on down there-- -Ludicrous question.

So, are you ready?

Le'ts pump some iron.

-[folk music plays] -[exhaling]

[Dimitri] Come on.

Breathe, breathe.

-Put your legs on it. -[yells]

-Yeah. Yeah, like that. -[groans]

[grunts]

[Michael] Don't think you've mastered that.

Maybe you should move on to something else.

[Dimitri] Now we're going to see if your abs

-from steel or not. -[Jack] Yes.

-[Dimitri] Yes? -It's like a cobbled street.

Wouldn't want to walk down this in a wedged heel.

Okay, we'll see it.

Oh, look at that.

Easy peasy, I'd say.

[Jack] Hoo!

Yeah.

[grunts]

Don't want to do that with a lot of change in your pocket.

Okay, now what happens? How do I get down?

[Dimitri] Get up.

Get up. Yeah, take the rope.

How are you feeling?

-Yeah, good. -Good?

A bit light-headed. [laughs]

What's this one?

-This is for your grip wrists. -Yeah.

[folk music plays]

Jack's wrists do get quite a lot of exercise, I happen to know.

but of a different nature to this.

-[thuds] -Oh!

-What? -How about I strip down to my waist,

challenge one of these old dudes to a bare knuckle.

-Not yet, not yet. No, no, no. -This guy? Hey!

Chill out. Chill out. Not yet. You are not strong enough.

I've spotted the parallel bars.

Are you ready to Spirit of the Cossack?

[Dimitri] Yeah, show me.

["Dance of the Hours" plays]

[Jack] At last, a chance to combine athleticism and artistry.

[Michael] I've never seen him do this before.

[Dimitri] Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Jack breathes heavily]

This is probably not what you cossacks would be doing, at this point.

-Oh! -[Jack grunts]

Is he your son, Michael? Or is he adopted?

[Michael chuckles]

[Jack] I wish!

Now I've demonstrated that I have the strength and agility of a cossack,

Dimitri wants to test my bravery.

[dramatic music plays]

So he's brought us to a deserted warehouse in an edgy part of town.

[Dimitri] Here is my friend, Oleg. He is a form of Special Forces.

He's going to help me with the special training, psychological training.

-[Jack] Hello. -[MIchael] Special Forces, eh?

[Jack] Yeah.

-Jack, Michael. Oleg. -[Michael] He's a bit scary.

-Nice to meet you. -Hi.

Special Forces... So is he a trained killing machine?

[Dimitri] Yeah.

First of all, we want to talk about aggression.

When people show aggression to you,

and how you're supposed to react on it.

[Oleg speaks Ukrainian]

Okay.

One hand.

-It's is your shield. -Yeah.

Other hand is near your head.

-Yeah. -If he tried to jump on you.

[Oleg speaks Ukrainian]

Not happening.

Uh-huh. No.

-[Oleg speaking Ukrainian] -No, darling.

Not interested. You're not my type.

-[Michael chuckles] -[Jack] No. Not coming home with you.

Back off! Sorry, sweetheart.

-[Oleg speaks Ukrainian] -Don't you touch what you can't afford.

You're meant to be trying to keep that man away from you.

-Butching up. -Yes, I was.

It's an aggression thing.

Now watch this, Jack. This is what you do.

[speaking Ukrainian]

What?

Would you kindly stop shouting at me.

You're such a typical man.

You're a boring little Ukrainian.

And as far as I'm concerned, you go fuck yourself!

[shouts in Ukrainian]

[Michael] Ghastly man.

Ugh.

The next situation that we're going to take

is when someone tries to put a gun on you.

And you should make a decision on how to hide yourself.

-Okay. -[Jack] Mm-hmm.

Now you do as you think you should do.

-Okay. -Okay?

-Are you ready? -[Jack] Try and bust a cap on my ass.

Gun.

[Oleg speaking Ukrainian]

Human shield! Human shield!

-Stop! -Fire at will!

-[Michael] God. -[Dimitri] Jack.

[Michael] What do you mean, "human shield"?

Well, that is further away to get to. You were the closest thing to me.

And I figured if he's going to fire one off...

-[Dimtri] No. -...the 77-year-old.

-He can shoot you anyway. -I'm a younger man.

It would be a dignified way for you to go out.

[Dimtri] Don't be silly.

Let's do it again.

And... gun!

Oh!

Okay. Oleg liked that.

Improvise. Improvise. If you've got a hat, use it.

It was very good.

Not bad, not bad.

[Jack] See? I'm becoming a cossack.

I'm thinking.

[Michael] Oh, please!

[Jack] Well, having now harnessed my inner cossack,

It's time to put all that training into practice.

So now we're going to

deal with a real-life situation.

Car ambush.

Remember all the stuff that we have just showed you.

Is it clear?

-Crystal. -[Michael] Mm-hmm.

[dramatic music plays]

[speaking Ukrainian]

Move fast. Go, guys. Move it! Move it! Looking for cover.

Okay. Prepare yourselves.

Prepare. Be ready. Be ready.

[yells, fires gun]

Aah!

Gunman, gunman, gunman! Gunman!

-[gunman yells] -[Dimitri] And go. Go, go, go, go go!

[gunman yells, fires gun]

-[Jack] Daddy! -[Michael] What?

-Get out of the car! -[Michael] No, I'm fine.

-[Jack] Get out of the vehicle! -[Michael] I'm not going.

-Daddy, get out! Come! -[Michael] I'm absolutely fine.

-Get out! Get out of the car! -I'm not moving.

I am not moving!

I don't care what the fuck he's doing.

-Get out and find cover! - Don't be ridiculous!

-Daddy, stop it! -Give me the gun. Give me the gun!

Shut the door.

-Shut the door! -This is not the exercise.

[Michael] Shut that door!

Right. Take me to my hotel, driver. Now.

[Jack] Wh-- This is not the exercise!

[folk music plays]

This is not the exercise.

-You know, your dad is a tough guy. -He is a tough guy.

Yeah, he's a real cossack.

He's a wazak. Do you have that word here?

-No, not here. -Wazak.

An absolute wazak.

[music ends]

[Michael] That was so frustrating.

Because Jack never takes anything seriously.

And that was, for me, quite an important moment in there.

I thought this would be a chance for me to actually

just butch Jack up a bit.

But as so often happens with him,

the whole thing ended up being a farse.

But I'm certainly not giving up.

And to be honest, what I've got planned for Jack now

is gonna make the cossacks look like a walk in the park.

[dramatic music plays]

[Jack] "So where," I hear you ask, is Daddy taking me this morning?

Well, it's two hours north of Kiev.

It's one of Ukraine's most exclusive tourist destinations,

and you need a specialist guide,

ours is called Daria,

plus official permits to enter.

No, it's not Euro Disney.

We just entered the exclusion zone.

This is the serious bit now.

[rock music plays]

[Jack] Yep, Daddy has booked us a fun day out to Chernobyl,

the site of the world's worst-ever nuclear disaster.

Has anyone ever come away from Chernobyl with superpowers?

Define superpowers?

Uh, being able to see through walls, flying...

I don't know anyone who would end up having any of this.

-Okay. -Why?

I've seen a lot of sci-fi,

and I know that radiation can cause superpowers.

I hope you're gonna behave when we get to the city.

-I'm gonna behave. -This is a serious trip

to look at a serious part of history.

[Jack] I am quite nervous.

Is it safe?

[Daria] Well...

It is safe if you follow the rules.

You cannot touch the ground,

or you can't touch the trees or pick up stuff from the ground.

So, say, for example, someone had,

um, off the top of my head, like, a doll,

and they left it on the Chernobyl site

for a period of time.

Uh, is there a chance then that that would have to be destroyed?

Yes, it has to be destroyed.

[Michael] I despair of you sometimes.

[Jack] More than 30 years after one of its reactors blew up,

the Chernobyl power plant is still one of the most radioactive places on Earth.

There are strict limits on how long Daddy and I can stay here.

To be honest, I'd rather stay in the van,

but I'm doing my best to be Daddy's big brave boy.

[Daria] Here is the site of the nuclear explosion

that happened in 1986.

And because it was the Soviet Union and a communist government,

they just decided to cover it up

and not to speak a word about what happened to the entire world.

But later, the high rates of radiation

were detected somewhere in Sweden,

and they alerted the whole world that something awful happened.

And that was the first time that the world knew about what happened?

Yes, they were actually forced to tell the world something, what happened.

So what's in there now?

Oh, there is a destroyed power unit

and a concrete sarcophagus on top of it.

So that's all concrete in there?

Yeah, there's, like, hundreds of tons of concrete.

And that keeps it safe?

Yeah, it's supposed to keep it safe.

-Supposed? -Well...

That's not necessarily a word I want to be hearing right now.

I'm not sure I can use the better word.

-But that's--that's why it is here. -Definitely?

Oh, that's definitely supposed to keep it safe.

[mechanical vibrating]

What's that noise?

Is it meant to make that noise?

That sounds like something is cracking.

Uh...

Just people, just working there.

Okay. That definitely sounded like cracking concrete.

[Michael] Oh, very funny, Jack.

[Jack] I'm relieved to say

it's now time for lunch.

-[Jack] This is the Chernobyl canteen? -[Daria] Yes, indeed.

-For real? -For real.

[Jack] Although I'm guessing it's not going to be any less stressful.

So that's basically what you have to do.

-You have to-- -Right.

What is it?

That's-- that's not a check point. That's a scan.

So they have to check whether you have been, um,

contaminated on the way here or not.

Oh, jeez. That's not--

-Yeah, just put your hands on the sides. -There?

-Yeah, you're good. It's working. -I'm good?

-Yeah, it's showing-- Yeah, you're good. -I'm clean!

No, you're contaminated.

Ridiculous!

[woman] Chicken?

-[Jack and Michael] Chicken. -[woman] Chicken.

[Jack] Basil chicken.

-Chicken? -Yeah, chicken.

[Michael] Chicken...

Are these locally bred chickens, you think?

Yeah. You get four legs on one bird.

[Jack] Is the food actually...

local, or has this come from Kiev?

[Daria] Well...

It is brought from Kiev. You can eat it.

[toilet flushes]

Why were you taking so long?

I think they're gonna have to set up another exclusion zone.

Why?

Had a bit of a...

reactor meltdown in there.

Oh, that's so gross!

-I'm just saying... -Right.

-Okay. Should we go? -Yeah.

[Jack] To truly appreciate the impact of Chernobyl,

my father has arranged for Daria to take me to Pripyat.

Once a model Soviet city

housing Chernobyl's workers and their families,

today, it's a ghost town.

Its tower blocks, shops, and classrooms, a spooky window on the past.

It all looks peaceful this afternoon,

but there are still hotspots of radiation.

So we're accompanied by an official armed with a Geiger counter.

[Geiger counter beeping]

Just give me a good or a bad.

You can see the levels of radiation are extremely high there.

So you better not approach that zone.

He probably wants us--

-[Daria] Radiation. -[Jack] Buddy?

-[Daria] Valery-- -I got the beep.

[Daria] Yeah, the beep. Yeah.

[Jack] In 1986, news of Chernobyl's reactor meltdown

was at first hidden from the people of Pripyat.

[Daria] They had no idea.

They were walking in the streets, the kids were playing football, you know.

Um, there was this huge parade being prepared for the--

Labor Day, it's the first of May.

And no one had any idea what actually happened.

And this place was just deserted, they all just left?

[Daria] Yes, they were forced to leave two days after the explosion.

And this town is totally abandoned.

[Jack] That's very surreal.

[Daria] But the nature is taking over.

-There's certain beauty in this. -Yeah.

[Jack] An eerie beauty.

[Michael] I hope you've learned something today, Jack.

[Jack] Definitely.

It's quite odd that it's been, like turned into a tourist destination.

Very strange.

I guess that's positive.

Like, turning something quite tragic into something that can give people jobs.

[Michael] Where's Winston?

[Jack] I think it's an understatement to say

that so far, Ukraine has been pretty intense.

[upbeat music plays]

So I've persuaded my father to head 300 miles south

to the Ukrainian Riviera...

with the promise of attending an arts festival.

While Cannes has the film festival,

and Edinburgh, the Fringe,

the city of Odessa has Humorina.

I think it may be time I let my dad in on a few of the finer details.

Well, a lot of people in Odessa, aren't there?

-I said we're here for an arts festival. -Crawling with people.

So these are all fellow culture vultures.

Holy cow. Look at that.

That's a nasty piece of work.

-Sweet! -Oh, I can't bear clowns.

[Michael] Look at them. Another two here.

[Jack] Okay, I'm gonna come clean with you.

-[Michael] Yeah? -It's not just an arts festival.

-[Michael] All right. -Also, this weekend,

Odessa hosts one of the biggest clown festivals in Europe.

- Clown festival? -[Jack] Yes.

Right. So we're leaving Odessa, presumably.

-[Jack] No! -What?

Because this, I thought, would be a great opportunity

for you to overcome your fear of clowns.

I don't have a fear. I just don't like them.

I find them creepy.

When I was a small boy,

-I was attacked by a clown once. -[Jack] Attacked?

-By a clown? -Yes, attacked.

I was at the circus,

and I troddled on a clown's foot by mistake,

so I thought it was a comedy foot. But in fact, the man just had big feet

and he grabbed me and said, "Don't do that."

And then walked on.

And while they're always smiley, happy,

underneath it, they're...

probably not remotely smiley or happy.

-[Jack] Well, that is a harrowing story. -Yeah.

But I thought...

the best way for you to get over your fear of clowns

is to become the clown.

Absolutely no way in a million years.

-Why would I want to do that? -Aversion therapy.

You, to get over your fear of clowns, today, are going to become a clown.

All right. Okay.

-[Jack] Good idea? -No, I think it's a terrible idea.

[Jack] Odessa is known as the comedy capital of Ukraine.

And every year, the Humorina Festival

attracts thousands of people from across the globe,

all eager to share in the fun.

All, except my father.

[Michael] It's not gonna work.

[Jack] Can you please try not to tell any of these clowns to f-- off?

As a professional comedian, I'm used to a tough crowd.

But I know when I need a good support act.

[Jack] Alex.

Wow, Jack! Hello, it's you! You called me.

Yeah, glad to see you! Welcome, sir.

-Alex. Welcome! -[Michael] How do you do?

Fun in mass. Yes, congratulations.

We're very excited.

Yeah, me too, me too. Because you are our guests.

-So, we can go-- -You got my--

Yeah, yeah, I prepare already.

-Oh, fantastic. -So, welcome, sir.

-This way, please. -We can't wait to get ready.

He's jolly!

[Michael] Oh.

[Jack] It's fair to say that "jolly"

doesn't come naturally to Michael Whitehall.

This will be the first time a clown hasn't needed a red nose

because he has a natural one because of his alcoholism.

-Ah. -So we won't have to do that,

but maybe some white stuff.

I wouldn't be rude to me.

-[Alex laughs] -This is gonna be a nightmare for me

and I'm only doing it for you.

-Okay. -[Michael] Okay?

[Jack] I don't care who he's doing it for. I just can't believe he's doing it!

This feels like a 15 and a half collar.

This doesn't come in a 16, I suppose, does it?

How's that?

[Michael] Yeah, it feels fine.

Will you give me your assurance that I don't look camp in this?

-No. -Are you sure?

-You look very butch. -Okay.

Is this helping anything yet?

Are you feeling any less scared of these clowns?

No. I'm feeling--

I'm all right at the moment, because I'm far away from them.

Where would you rather be right now, here or the Labor Party Conference?

That's very difficult.

[Jack] And now for the finishing touches.

I hope you know what you're doing.

[laughs]

You look so scary.

[Michael] It's like being pals with your own living nightmare.

[Jack] The whole festival culminates in a parade through the city.

[trumpet sounds]

A chance for my father to face his fears head-on.

- Unsurprisingly... -[Jack] Daddy!

...he's feeling a little camera-shy.

[Jack] Where is he?

Daddy!

Michael!

Got him. He's there.

[Michael] What the fuck am I doing here?

It's a complete nightmare.

I don't know how I let you talk me into it.

-[Jack] Daddy, can you wave? -[Michael] No!

-You're scaring the children! -I'm not waving.

-I am not scaring the children. -You are!

I have given them as many waves as I can deal with.

I'll give them one more, and then that's it.

Not like the Queen, like a clown. Big fun!

[Jack] Only my father could make a clown parade

feel like a funeral cortege.

[Alex] They asked if we could give you some advice.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Like that. -That, yeah.

-More to the other side. -That's better, Daddy!

-[Michael] Like that? -[Alex] Yeah, that's--

I don't think you should do that one. Don't think you should do that one.

-You do another one. -One, two.

-I can't do that. -One, two.

-Hello! -Hello!

Hello!

[cheering and whistling]

That's much better! Now you're getting into it.

[cheering]

This is the oldest clown in England.

He's called The Great Mumbo Jumbo.

And it turns out Mumbo Jumbo is a big hit with the public.

Clown groupies!

[woman laughs]

[Michael] How do you do?

How do you do?

-[Jack] Are you starting to enjoy it? -Yeah. A bit.

-The kids love you. -I like that lady a lot.

Yes, Queen Elizabeth.

Didn't you perform in her original court?

Very funny.

So did that help you get over your fear of clowns?

I never had a fear of clowns.

I told you, I didn't like clowns.

But now, I like them more than I did.

They were very sweet, those clowns.

Well, I'm very proud of you, regardless,

even if you're not "scared" of clowns.

I know that that was a big step for you.

I was just doing it for you.

Whoever takes home the mantle of Mumbo Jumbo

will have some pretty big shoes to fill.

That was a joke.

-Because of the big shoes. -Yeah, I know. I saw that. I got the joke.

Oh.

What is this child doing? Fuck off!

What?

I'd expect it from Michael Whitehall,

but Mumbo Jumbo...

[telephone line ringing]

[Hilary] Hello?

Oh, my God!

What have you done?

You may well I ask.

[laughs]

I've been a clown all day.

That's amazing!

Did Jack do it as well?

We did it together.

We went to a clown...

sort of festival thing and marched up the street.

I mean, just the thought of you in Odessa dressed up as a clown...

-[Michael] Mm-hmm. -...with Jack, is just mind boggling.

I'm so impressed that you did it.

I was pretty impressed myself.

Oh. I wish I'd been there.

Yeah, I wish you had been too.

Well, I'm missing you, you know.

[Hilary] Oh!

- Incidentally... -[Michael] Mm-hmm.

I hope you've got your data roaming switched off.

Data who?

[Hilary] Data roaming.

Otherwise, you're gonna have an enormous phone bill when you get back.

Um...

-You've got to turn everything off-- -No, I don't think I probably have.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, well, listen, you're gonna have a huge phone bill--

Right. Well, I think I'd better cut off now, then.

-Well, you're going-- -Yep.

Fuck.

[sighs] I don't even remember what data roaming is.

Subtitle translation by: