All language subtitles for jack.whitehall.travels.with.my.father.s02e02.1080p.web.x264-w4f_track3_[eng]

[piano ambiance music]

[Jack] When was the last time
you drove a car like this?

[Michael] Twenty years ago, I suppose.

I think I might change gear now.

-[Jack] Left. Look.
-[Michael] Are we going now?

[Michael]
Right. Here we go.

[Jack] Left again, just get yourself...

-[Michael] Rather a nice drive, this car.
-You're on the wrong side of the road.

-No, Daddy!
-Oh, fuck!

[car horn]

[Jack] You're driving
on the wrong side of the road.

[Jack] Get just a little, just a quick...
Just a...

[Jack] Just hug the...
Daddy, there's a tree there!

[Michael] Was that a tree?

[Jack] Hey, Mummy.

Yeah, it's Jack.

Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Just wanted to tell you that I loved you.

[Michael] We do seem to have got
quite stuck with this cab.

Oh, fuck! What was that?

[Jack] Did you hit a car?

You took the wing mirror off a parked car.

-Did I?
-You did!

[upbeat adventurous music]

[Jack] After ten hours on a night train
and 350 miles,

we have reached
the Hungarian capital of Budapest...

the next stage in my father's master plan
to make me over.

[Jack] This city is one
of the cultural capitals of Europe,

chock-full of historic buildings,
galleries, and museums.

[Jack] get the sense that this
is going to be a very long day.

[Michael] So, I've got our itinerary
sorted for today.

We're going to the Hungarian
National Museum first, okay?

Which I think you'll find interesting.

Then the Bela Bartok
National Concert Hall.

You know Bela Bartok,
one of Hungary's greatest composers.

-[Jack] Yep. She's great.
-[Michael] It's not a "she" it's a "he."

[Michael] Okay?
But before we do that,

we're going to the opera house.

-So, let's go.
-[Jack] Where is it?

-It's there, the opera house.
-[Jack] That's the river.

[Michael] Yeah, it's the other side
of the river.

-[Jack] There's no river here.
-Look, I know Bucharest

like the back of my hand,
so just follow me, okay?

[Jack] Bucharest?

-[Jack] We are in Budapest.
-Budapest. I meant Budapest, obviously.

-[Jack] We are in Budapest, not Bucharest.
-[Michael] Come on. It's over this way.

[Jack] Budapest attracts
over four million tourists every year,

and I've heard it's quite the party town.

A firm favorite with stag dos
and lads on tour.

Sadly, dads on tour have
a very different agenda.

[Michael] This place is crawling
with bloody Italians!

-What are they doing here?
-[Jack] Don't say "crawling."

[Michael]
Well, they'll definitely be lost.

They got lost during the war
most of the time.

-Is that the opera house there? No.
-[Jack] No, that's the...

[Michael]
It's completely wrong, this map.

-[Jack] I'm asking for directions.
-No, no, don't.

-[Jack] I am--
-Men do not ask for directions.

-[Jack] Men do not ask for directions?
-[Michael] Do you think Montgomery

asked for directions
when he was looking for Berlin?

-I mean, imagine!
-[Jack] Almost certainly.

-[Michael] I think it's that way.
-Wait here.

Where are you going?

Jack!

[Jack] Sometimes you just have
to take matters into your own hands.

Did someone say "Beer Bike?"

[Michael] What is that thing over there?

[Jack] Hey, stop!

What is that?
What are you doing now?

-They're gonna take us to the opera.
-[Michael] Oh, don't be ridiculous!

[Jack] They are! They said they'd
just take us to the opera house.

What, they're going to the opera house?
They don't look like they are.

[Jack] They said they will.
We can go around the city.

It will be a great way to see the city.

Trust me, you won't need the map.
You'll get--

But how do I get up
on something like that?

[Jack] Put your ass on that.

-Can I have a beer, please? Two beers?
-[Michael] No, I wouldn't have two.

[Jack] We'd love to end up
at the opera house, but before that,

take us the scenic route.

[blonde]
Is this your first time in Hungary?

My first time, yes, but not his.

-[blonde] How about you, sir?
-I've been here before, yes.

-[Jack] Did you go on a beer biker?
-Beginning to regret coming back again.

[Michael] You realize, Jack,
these are the three things

that I loathe more than anything.

One, women drivers.

Two, beer.

And three, physical exercise.

[Jack] This is the most exercise
I've ever seen you do.

-[Jack] Nice to meet you. From London.
-Hey, how are you?

-Hello, how do you do? Nice to meet you.
-G'day. I'm Kay. How are you, mate?

-[Jack] Well, have a drink.
-[Michael] No, I don't want that beer.

[blonde] Have you ever heard
about Unicum?

-[Jack] I beg your pardon?
-[blonde] This is Unicum.

-This is a Hungarian spirit.
-[Jack] Yeah?

-I'm pretty sure you should try it.
-[Jack] You want some Unicum?

-[Michael] It's a very unfortunate name.
-They say you could turn into a unicorn

-[blonde] after trying this.
-[Jack] Really?

[Jack] Yeah, I'll have a shot of Unicum!

-[Jack] Have you ever tried Unicum?
-No, I've never tasted Unicum, Jack.

[Jack] Do you spit or swallow it?

[blonde]
It's a shot, so you cannot sip it.

[Jack] Okay.

[Michael]
Tastes a bit like motor oil.

-[Jack] Ready?
-[Michael] Yeah.

-[Jack] Three, two, one.  Egészségedre!
-[Michael] Yay! Eggie!

Oh, that was very nice.
I really enjoyed that.

-[Michael] Delicious.
-[Jack] You want another?

No, I think one's enough.

[Jack] Whilst I would happily stay here
and demolish that bottle...

[Jack] Thank you so much!
Great to meet you.

-[Kay] Cheers, mate!
-[Jack] See you later.

...the Mood Hoover has not forgotten
the reason why he dragged me here.

-[Michael] Are you excited?
-[Jack] No, not really.

Look at it. Amazing!

[Jack] Where do we get in?

I have no idea.

-[Jack] Do you know how to get in here?
-[man] No. Sorry. It's closed.

-[Jack] It's closed?
-[Michael] Maybe we should go that way.

-[Jack] It's closed?
-[Michael] What?

[Jack] He said it's closed.

-[Michael] It's closed?
-Yeah.

[Michael] It cannot be closed!

[Jack] But it is.
That's obviously why it's all boarded up.

-Would you stop smiling, too?
-[Jack] I'm not.

[Michael] What do you mean it's closed?
I thought you were looking forward--

-[Jack] I am, I am.
-Ask this lady coming along here.

-[Michael] Closed?
-[lady] I don't know.

-[Jack] Twins.
-[Michael] Right.

[Jack] I saw her from behind
and I thought it was you for a second.

[Michael] Oh, very funny.

Anyway, none of this has got anything
to do with the fact

that we are now not going to the opera.

-[Jack] I've so got it.
-[Michael] I'm so annoyed about this.

[Jack] I'm sure there'll be
other stuff we can do

other than going to see some dry opera.

They do a beer boat.

-[Jack] Beer boat.
-[Michael] No.

[Michael]
What about an organ concert?

[Jack] Put your organ away.
We're going to the beer boat.

[Michael] I don't want to do a beer boat.
I've already done a beer bike.

Yes, I know.
And then next step, beer boat.

-[Michael] Oh, don't be ridiculous.
-Beer boat! Beer boat!

[Michael] So, we just go
from one beer thing to another?

[Michael] This is my mission
to get you to see

some art, music, literature,
I've told you all that.

-[Jack] H.M.S. Lash.
-[Michael] No. Definitely not.

[Jack] With Father unwilling to take
any more beer-based transport,

and me needing to be hammered
to go to a gallery,

we've compromised
on an unusual attraction

that I think we'll both enjoy.

[Jack]
Harry Houdini was born in Budapest

and a hundred years ago,

he was world renowned for his increasingly
daring feats of escapology.

[Jack] Today, there is one guy
who's keeping his spirit alive.

[Merlini]
Welcome to the House of Houdini.

[Jack] The Great Merlini.

[Merlini] So, this is the entrance
of our museum,

but right now, it's locked.

And in order to enter,
you will need to tell me

a secret password, which will decode
the mystery and open the door.

The password is given to you
by the number of cards in a deck,

minus the two jokers,

weird enough,
this same number is the number,

-the age of Houdini when he died.
-[Jack] Fifty one.

[Merlini]
You are not good at maths, huh?

-[Michael] Fifty two.
-[Merlini] Right, yeah.

-That was correct.
-[Jack] Very impressed.

[Jack] Let the magic begin.

[Merlini]
This part of the museum represents

basically, the glorious life
of Harry Houdini,

the Houdini that we all know.
Here we have

first edition books,
letters that he signed,

we have plenty of posters,

these are all original items,
certified to be.

[Michael] Who's that?

[Merlini] Well, that's a very,
very young Houdini

and it's a very, very rare article
in a Russian newspaper.

He's in his early 20s.

And who's that up there?

-[Merlini] That's Harry Houdini, as well.
-[Michael] Oh, right.

[Merlini] But it's different from 1903.

[Jack] They're all Houdini.
This is a Houdini museum.

-[Michael] Oh, sorry.
-[Jack] So, stop asking who...

[Jack] To say that our guide is a fan
of Harry Houdini

would be an understatement.

[Jack] He is in fact the Great Merlini.

Definitely his real name.

And following in his hero's footsteps,

he has established
an international reputation

as an escapologist with incredible,
death-defying stunts

that are literally out of this world.

How long have you been a magician?

For roughly 25 years.

Have you ever done kids' parties?

-Never. No.
-[Jack] Never?

-I used to have magic at my parties. Yep.
-Really?

When I was a child, he did a magic trick
at all of my birthdays.

He would bring out a big bottle of vodka,

and then he'd make the contents disappear.

-[Merlini] It was a joke?
-[Michael] Total lie!

[Jack] It's not. You did.
You drank a lot at my parties.

Well what else was I gonna do?

[Jack] Would you be able
to show us any magic?

I don't see why not. Of course.
Come with me.

We have a small in-house theater
called The Orpheum.

-[Jack] Come with us.
-[Michael] Oh, shit.

OK, so come with me, guys.

[Merlini]
Let's pump a bit of smoke here...

[loud steam sound]

[Merlini] So...

this is a real old
straitjacket, as you can see.

[Merlini] I'm going to ask you
to strap all the belts on the back

[Jack] Is this the right size?
It seems a little tight on you.

[Jack] And then what do we do?
Tie it?

-[Merlini] Yes, tie it.
-[Michael] In knots.

So these jackets were banned
to use because they're so tight

all across the lungs.

[Michael] Got a bit of builder's crack
around the back here.

-[Merlini] Okay, so...
-[Michael] I think we can do with that.

What you're going to see now is
a very rare thing because escape...

will happen right in front of your eyes,
if I am successful, okay?

t's quite strange, isn't it?

[suspense instrumental music]

[grunts]

-[Michael] Oh.Oh.
-[Merlini] breathing heavily]

[Merlini] Ah!
[breathing heavily]

[Michael] Oh.

-[Michael] Oh! Bravo!
-[Jack clapping] Oh!

[Michael] What...

[clapping continues]

So, this how an escape looks like.

Well, I don't want to piss on your parade,
but it did look doable.

-[Merlini] How does it feel like?
-[Jack] Good. [grunts] Fits like a glove.

Okay, just strap me in,
nice and firm.

So, I'm not going to put it
all the way in.

-[Merlini] I'm going to...
-[Jack] I love it when someone says that.

-I'm going to leave it a bit loose.
-[Jack] Ease it in gently.

Do you know what?

-[Merlini] What?
-I'm gonna see you

escaping from a straitjacket,
and I'm gonna raise you

escaping from a straitjacket
and a safe.

[Jack] Open this bad boy up.

-[Merlini] Oh! Are you sure?
-[Jack] Yeah.

The Great Whitehall
can get out of anything.

[Michael] Steady, Jack.
You're only an actor.

Great Merlini, the Great Whitehall will
see you in two and a half minutes.

[Jack] Shut the door... and commence!

[Jack] Behold!

The Great Whitehall!

[drum beat]

-[Jack] Which arm do I start with?
-[Merlini] With your right one.

[Jack] Okay, this is much harder
than I thought.

[Michael]
I think we'll just leave him in there.

-[Merlini] Leave him?
-[Michael] Yeah, come on.

[Jack] Daddy?

I think my father might have got a little
fed up with me taking over his tour.

Daddy!

[Jack] So, after some quiet reflection,

I've agreed he can choose
our final excursion.

And he's arranged a boat trip
down the iconic River Danube.

[Jack] I was secretly hoping
for that beer boat,

but it's pretty clear
this trip is going to be dry.

My father seems determined
to share some of his great wisdom.

[Jack] What building is that?

[Michael] That's a church.

No, what church?

Well, it's a famous church,
I can't, I've just...

forgotten what it's called.

[Jack] I knew we should've got a guide.

We don't need a guide.
You've got a guide. You've got me.

[Jack]
Where does the Danube run from and to?

[Michael] Oh, I have no idea.

Weren't you a geography teacher?

[Michael] I was, yeah, that's true.

[Jack] Where is a shot of Unicum
when you need one?

This is not what I'd call
a fun evening out in Budapest.

[Jack] It's not exactly
stag vibes though, is it?

-I wanted it to be like stag vibes.
-Why do you want it to be like stag then?

I thought that I was maybe gonna be having
a stag at some point in the near future,

and obviously circumstances
have changed in my life,

and it doesn't look like I'm gonna be
having a stag anytime soon.

Why not?

Well, because I've broken up
with my six-year girlfriend,

who I thought I was going to marry.

[Michael] Well look what happened to
me. I mean, I had...

I was married when I was very young,
and it didn't last very long,

for four or five years.

Then I had this very long relationship
with that girl.

Um, and then that started
to run out of steam

after probably seven or eight years

And I thought
that was probably about it for me.

I mean, I was sort of hitting into my 40s,

and I thought I'm going to be
a miserable, old bachelor

for the rest of my life, which I'm sure
you can understand the miserable bit.

And then I met your mother,

and my whole life changed.

When you were a much older man.

We got married, we had children,
we had-- everything was wonderful,

and has been ever since.

[Michael]
So, you may just have to wait a bit.

Also, you've got a lot of girls around
who throw themselves at you...

-Don't make this weird.
-...because of your celebrity and stardom.

-Like, abuse my celebrity?
-[Michael] You could have a--

[Michael] Yeah, use it
to have regular shagathons,

so that you can keep yourself
at the sharp end

of your physical powers until such time

as Miss Right comes along.

[Jack] I could say of the
advice you just gave me 60% of it was gold.

-[Michael] Yeah. Yeah.
-40% of it was unnerving.

[Jack] Which is basically
everything you say.

[instrumental music]

[Jack] I think I've learned quite enough
from my father here in Budapest.

Thankfully, tomorrow, we're moving on.

[Jack] For the next leg of our journey,
we're taking a road trip.

[Jack] You have to admit the camper van
was a good idea of mine.

Hotel on wheels.

-[Michael] Yeah.
-Practical,

-comfortable, affordable.
-[Michael] Yeah. Yeah.

[Jack] This is the way to travel.

[Michael] Particularly good for you
when you can't drive.

[Jack] No matter, when we have
a seasoned driver like my father.

This is a very wide ve--
Watch that truck!

[Jack] He's embracing
this novel mode of transport,

because he's determined to make it
to a remote, rural region of Romania

known as Transylvania.

A land of vampires,

[creepy laugh]

- [Jack] werewolves,
-[growling]

and Prince Charles...

who I think is the one on the left?

[Jack] Yes, Transylvania is Daddy's
favorite royal's annual holiday spot.

And Father's convinced
that taking me there...

[toilet flushing]

will finally give me some class,
dignity, and decorum.

-[Jack] Oof!
-[Michael] You're so gross!

[Jack] Why is Prince Charles
into Transylvania?

[Michael] He just is. I don't know why.
It's just one of his things

and he's got a big castle.

-[Jack] What, are we gonna turn up at--
-No, no! 'Cause you know Prince Charles.

We met him when you did that show,

which was very embarrassing because
all the staff rolled with laughter,

but Prince Charles sat there
in stony silence,

because all your jokes
were completely inappropriate.

They weren't.
They were tailored to the event.

That's why I kept making jokes
about how

I could have got with Kate Middleton
'cause I was at school with her.

-[Michael] Yeah, but he didn't want--
-And the staff thought that was hilarious.

[Michael] It was very cheap.

-[Jack] Do you want a nut?
-No, I don't want a nut.

[Michael] No! I don't want a nut! Now--

-[Jack] Keep going straight.
-Have you got the map?

Daddy, have a nut.

[Jack] You want a nut?

I don't really--

[Michael] Holy-- Ugh!

[spits] That is absolutely--

[Jack] Oh, fuck, sorry.
They have wasabi on them.

[Michael] Ugh!
That's absolutely disgusting!

Ugh!

What the fuck was that?

-[Jack] It's a wasab--
-Gonna kill you!

-[Jack laughing] It's a wasabi peanut!
-I'm going to absolutely kill you!

Was the most disgusting thing
I've ever eaten in my entire life!

-[Jack laughing hysterically]
-Tastes like it came out of your ass!

[Jack] Having survived four hours
on the road and one wasabi peanut,

Daddy and I have safely reached
the border.

[man speaking Romanian]

-[border patrol] Good evening.
-[Michael] Evening.

[border patrol]
Show me your passports.

I have to inspect your luggage, okay?

-[Michael] Yes, OK, that's fine.
-[border patrol] Please show it to me.

[Michael] You haven't put anything
in those bags, have you?

You promise me you haven't got anything,
got any drugs, cigarettes, or anything?

haven't. The only drugs
he's gonna find are the ones

in your wash bag, all your pills
and... beta blockers or whatever you take.

-[Jack] What is that?
-[Michael] What?

-[Michael] What is that?
-Daddy?

[Michael] Oh, it's Winst.

-[Michael] What?
-[Jack] What is that doing there?

[Michael] I brought Winston.

[Jack] You've had Winston all this time
in your luggage?

Yes, as a surprise.
He looks, he likes Winston.

[Jack] Oh, my God!

-[Michael] I thought you'd be pleased.
-You brought that fucking doll here.

-It's your little brother.
-[border patrol] What is this?

[Jack] It's a weird Thailand thing

that he bought
while we were on holiday in Thailand.-

It's a good luck doll.

[Jack] For the uninitiated,
Daddy's relationship

with, and I quote, "the son he always
wanted" goes way beyond creepy.

And he insists
on taking this freakish doll everywhere.

It's good?

[border patrol]
Can you please take the clothes off?

[Michael] Do you recognize those clothes?

[Jack] These, I've actually seen
childhood photos of me in that.

[Michael] Yes.

-Do you know how weird that is?
-[Michael] No.

-Come on, Winston. Off you go.
-[Jack] What is happening?

[Jack] In a camper van,
stripping a... doll.

[Michael] All right, you pull.

[Michael] Oh, Winsty,

Look, Jackie's taking
all your clothes off!

[Jack] Don't do that voice.
You know how much I hate that voice.

-[Michael] Right, there we are.
-[Jack] Winston, if you brace yourself,

this man's gonna put on
a plastic glove and...

-[Michael] Just hand him over
-...complete this search.

-[Jack] Do you want to...
-[Michael] No.

[Jack starts laughing]

[Michael] Poor Winston.
It's so undignified.

[border patrol] It's all right.
I'll give it back to you.

[Michael] Thank you.
Winston, you've passed, flying colors.

-[border patrol] There you go.
-[Jack] Thank you.

-[border patrol] Have a nice trip.
-[Michael] Thank you very much.

[Michael] Right. We ready?

[Michael] No, Winston's sitting there.
You're in the back.

[Jack] You're a joke.

-[Michael] What? Why?
-You're ridiculous.

[Michael] I think he might get carsick.

-[Jack] Can you please go?
-[Michael] Right.

[Michael] Right front door open. Okay?

Well, if I was sat there right now,
I could shut the front door properly,

but unfortunately, you have
an inanimate doll instead.

So, you're gonna have to put up with
that beeping until we get to Transylvania.

[upbeat Bavarian folk music]

[Jack] Ten hours later,
in a corner of Transylvania

that I suspect
Prince Charles has never visited,

and my father is up bright and early.

[Michael] Jack, these are gonna be ready
soon, so you better come in.

I'm not serving them to you in bed.

[Jack] These stupid nightshirts.

[Michael]
They're not, they're very practical.

[Jack] I sleep in my pants.  Why
wasn't I allowed to sleep in my pants?

[Michael] Because those look very nice,
and quite elegant.

[Jack] I look like Scrooge.

You don't look anything like Scrooge
and it's a very elegant garment, that.

I think these are going to be probably
the best scrambled eggs you ever had.

Just need to get...

nicely mixed. What do you think?

I think you're gonna be here
for a very long time

if you're trying to cook them
at room temperature.

-I'm not. I'm just cooking them normally.
-[Jack] It's not on.

[Michael] What do you mean it's not on?

[Jack] The hob is not on.

[Michael] Yes, it is. Look.
It's set on here. These lights.

[Jack] Yes, these lights
are for the fridge. This is the fridge.

This side's the hob.

[Michael] How do you get in there, then?

[Jack] Lift it up.

[Michael] Oh, that's ridiculous.
Why didn't it say anything about that?

-[Jack] How long have you been here?
-Oh, ten minutes.

Takes ten minutes to do-- I've done
the plates and everything for you.

-[Jack] You didn't...
-No. Well, all right, I made a mistake.

[Michael] I mean, look,
it's the most ludicrous system.

[Jack] After a light breakfast,

we're joined by Andra.
For once, Daddy's hired a guide,

just to make sure we see
sights fit for a prince.

[Jack] So, what have we got planned
for today?

[Andra] We are now on our way to see
a traditional mask dance.

It's quite typical for this area.

[Andra] It's gonna be quite an experience.

[Michael]
I'm very excited about this trip.

[Michael] God, this looks like something
out of Lord of the Rings.

I imagine Daddy was expecting
somewhere a little more regal

and a little less rustic.

[Jack] That toilet's got a view, though.

[Michael] Don't you think Prince Charles
would use something like that?

[Jack] Dancing today, a jewel
in Romania's cultural crown,

the Transylvanian National
Folkloric Ensemble.

[Michael] Thank you. How do you do?

[Andra] It's meant to bring fertility,
joy, and, of course, luck.

Have you ever seen The Wombles?
The Wombles of Wimbledon Common?

[flute and drums]

[Jack] Andra tells me that these hairy,
masked men bring joy to the land

-by seeking out evil spirits to banish.
-[flute and drums]

No wonder my father's looking so nervous.

-[men grunt with the music]
-[Jack] Quite scary.

[Michael] Hmm. It is.

[grunts and cheers]

My father has been encouraging me
to immerse myself in culture on this trip.

So, it's on with the Satanic
Papa Smurf mask.

You look a lot better like that.

[Jack] I've had scant chance to party,
but you can't keep a tiger caged forever.

[female] Woooo!

[Jack] These hips just won't lie.

[Michael] Steady, Jack.

My milkshake has not only brought Daddy
to the yard,

but hopefully, it has also brought
fertility and good fortune

to the region for the coming year.

[clapping and cheers]

[Michael] Well done, Jack.

With Daddy and I won over
by today's joyous ritual,

Andra thinks we're ready to embrace more
traditional Romanian life.

-[Jack] Hello.
-[lady] Hello.

-[Andra] This is Jack and his dad Michael.
-[Michael] How do you do?

-I'm fine, thank you. I'm Iliana.
-[Michael] Nice to meet you. Thank you.

-[Iliana]Come. Come inside.
-[Andra] After you.

[Jack] You didn't go for the hug?
-I don't know the woman. Why would I--

[Jack]
Yeah, but she seemed very friendly.

[Jack] Iliana runs the local tailors.

[Michael] Oh, my God.

I was expecting sort of Burberries
or Dunhills or something like that.

[Jack ]
Wait 'till he sees the family workshop!

[Iliana] Look. Here, my mother
is working with wool.

This is a cutting machine
that makes the wool very fluffy.

[Michael] The child looks a bit young
to be working in a place like this.

[Iliana] Look. My father
is working now over there.

[Michael] How do you find
working with your father?

-It's okay.
-[Jack] I find it quite stressful.

Tour over, Iliana's keen for us
to see her shop.

[Iliana] I show you many type
and many size.

And if you like to buy something...

[Michael] Yeah?

[Jack] Oh, yes. What about this, Daddy?
Try that on.

Let's get this off.
I think you in that...

[Jack] Get that on.

-Now, that--
-[Michael] Quite stiff.

Feel like I'm in a straitjacket.

Actually, you look pretty authentic,
I have to admit. Like this.

[Michael] What else
is there that I can try on?

-[Iliana] They are very nice with this.
-[Jack] For man or woman.

Bisexual, you mean.

Yes. Gender-fluid.

[Michael] Now this woman's come in
to sell me a child.

I know, and it is definitely no.

-[Iliana] Do you mean this?
-[Jack] Shut up!

Maybe later.
Do you have a bigger coat, maybe?

Yes, I have something. It's here.

-[Iliana] Do you want to try?
-[Jack] Yes, yes! Yes.

[Michael] Oh, look!
Now we're talking. This is more like it.

[Jack] This, I absolutely love.
It goes very well with the suit.

-[Michael] Yeah. Thank you.
-And the hat, you look very distinguished.

[Michael] Let's buy it.
As long as it's not expensive.

[Michael] So, how much
for this and this coat?

Twenty thousand each.

[Michael] Twenty thousand each?

[Jack] That sounds like
a good price. Thank you.

[Michael] Don't be ridiculous,
20,000. No way! No.

[Michael] I'll give you 2,000 for the two.

-[Jack] Two thousand? That's insulting.
-[Iliana] No, no, no.

Twenty thousand.

[Michael] Look, for a simple life,
there's 10,000 for the two coats.

-Are you happy with that?
-[Iliana] Yes, I happy.

I think we'll move on now.

[Tyrolean music]

They are jolly warm, these coats,
I have to say.

How much did you pay
for these coats again?

Thirty quid.

Clearly born yesterday.

What did you pay Romanian Leu?

Ten thousand.

-[Jack] Ten thousand.
-Yeah.

[Jack] Which is not...

Where did you get 30 quid from?

Well, that's the equivalent.

-[Jack] No, it's not.
-It is.

[Jack] That would be the equivalent
if we were in Hungary.

-[Michael] Yeah.
-We're not in Hungary.

We're in Romania
so the exchange rate is different.

-Completely forgot, though.
-[Jack] Yes.

-[Michael] We're not in Hungary, are we?
-[Jack] In Leu,

[Jack] Do you know-- do you
want to know what it is in Romania?

It's five leu to the pound.

-So, in fact, you didn't pay 30 quid.
-[Michael] No.

[Jack] You paid...

a thousand pounds each.

-[Michael] No, I'm sure I didn't.
-[Jack] You did!

[Michael] A thousand pounds each?

[Jack] Well done.
Good, good bargaining.

You probably could have bought
the farm for that.

Fuck.

Fuck.