Original subtitles

[music playing]

[Jack] Daddy!

Michael!

I've lost him.

Where is he?

Daddy!

Michael!

Got him. He's there.

It's a complete nightmare.

I don't know how I let you talk me into it.

There's no need to cry about it.

Oh, very funny.

[Michael] What the fuck am I doing here?

-[man 1] Thirty nine. -[man 2] Thirty nine.

[man 1] Thirty five and a half

Bit of crotch measuring.

[Michael] My birthday is coming up,

and I thought it would be fun to go abroad,

spend some time in Europe,

very different from our first trip.

This time, this is much more my party

to just show Jack that there is more to life

than telling jokes about his penis.

The last trip, he said that he learned a lot from it.

Yet, he still refers to it as "our visit to Siam,"

which it is not called,

and we went to three separate countries,

none of which are called Siam.

What I'm really after is a really classic English look.

Right now, there's more of fashion for...

-very European, Italian tailoring. -No.

I don't want to appear snobby, 'cause I'm not a snob,

but footballers seem to wear them.

I was surprised when Daddy said that he wanted to visit Europe,

a continent that he famously voted to leave.

Mrs. Whitehall has been very quiet about all this.

We'll be going to opera houses. We'll be going to ballet.

We'll be going to classical music concerts,

that kind of stuff.

[director] Rolling!

[Michael] The problem with Jack is that he hasn't really matured.

I think now could be a very good time

for me to share some of my wisdom with him.

I'm doing this for Daddy. I'm just trying to be a good son.

He's a very nice boy, Jack.

He's just a bit thick.

[theme music playing]

[Michael] I have to say, it is quite impressive.

Look at that. Amazing!

[Jack] I'm quite scared!

Do you remember that film called Alive,

which was about that plane that crashed in the Andes,

and then they had to eat each other?

Don't talk about a plane crash whilst we're in a helicopter.

[Michael] I think if we did crash, we'd probably start with him.

We'd start with the pilot?

We'd have him as a sort of, like, a starter.

-An amuse-bouche? -Yeah.

Obviously, I would be the most succulent. I would be like a prize pig.

I imagine you'd taste like mutton.

Absolute rubbish.

I would certainly have all the meat. Certainly, in the lower end.

And you'd be like one of those little, tiny prawns.

One piece of a small prawn cocktail.

-You are just... -Whereas with me,

you'd get something you could get your teeth into.

You are unbelievable!

Actually, can't we just crash this into the side of the cliff?

[Jack] Why have I agreed to this again?

[Jack] My father has chosen to start our grand European tour

in the German state of Bavaria.

A somewhat surprising choice,

until you discover this region is rich, Catholic, and conservative.

[Michael] Did you enjoy that?

[Jack] Hmm. A little excessive.

Ooh. Ah, very nice.

[Jack] A private helicopter,

and now, the 5-star luxury of Berchtesgaden Kempinski Hotel.

Clearly, Daddy has set his sights on trumping my gap year.

You're here as the first part of my grand tour for you.

Cultural tour.

We're going across Europe.

-Could I suggest where we could start? -Yes.

Amsterdam.

-Don't be ridiculous. -There's lots of culture in Amsterdam.

We could get baked and go see some Rembrandts.

-Get what? -Baked.

What's "baked" mean?

-High as a motherfucking kite. -Don't be ridiculous.

You want me to show you where we're going?

Yes, I would like to know where we're going on the lame tour of Europe.

So, we've started in southern Germany.

We're going to advance into Hungary here.

And then we're gonna move in to Romania.

And then from there, we will occupy the Ukraine.

-I know what you're doing. -What?

-"Advance," "occupy." -What are you talking about?

You're making references to the war.

-No, I'm not. -Yes, you are.

And then we go across the Black Sea,

end the campaign in Istanbul for my birthday.

-"The campaign?" -What do you think?

-I think you're absurd. -I'm not!

It's my campaign to give you a bit of culture.

This is the last chance, just so I've said it.

We could just sack this all off and go to Vegas.

Just have an amazing lads and dads tour of Las Vegas.

[sighing heavily]

This trip, I think, in his head, is gonna be more like a school trip,

but, like, a one-on-one school trip where your dry history teacher

takes you around to a load of cultural artifacts

and bores the tits off you.

[Jack] And, sure enough, Daddy's booked us on a history tour.

[sarcastically] Whoopity doo!

-Good day to you. -Good morning.

How do you do?

[speaking German]

Oh! Good day to you, Mr. Ambassador.

-Please take a seat. -Fine.

[app speaking in German]

[Michael] I'm not a botschafter.

[Jack] It means "ambassador."

[Michael] Don't be ridiculous. It means something quite different.

[Jack] Today we're heading into the valley beneath our hotel

to learn about the quaint Bavarian town of Berchtesgaden,

which, Father insists, is a rare architectural gem

of great historical importance.

So, good morning, everyone. Welcome to beautiful Berchtesgaden.

This is one of the best-preserved historical towns in Bavaria,

and its history goes back to 1102.

Upcoming, on the right side,

we can see the salt mines of Berchtesgaden.

Salt mining has been taking place here since around 1200 AD.

Maybe we should ask him if we could go to a bierhall.

A bierhall?

Yeah, they're big in Germany.

I wouldn't put your hand up like that if I were you.

Shut up.

[guide] We'll now come by the historic center of the town

with its fountain in the middle.

[Jack] An impressive fountain they built there.

Why does it remind me of you?

Oh, fuck off!

[Michael] I have no problems in that department!

And on our right side is the town's war memorial.

You can see on the left, soldiers leaving for battle enthusiastically,

and on the right side, the soldiers coming back as broken men.

She's certainly giving him a very warm welcome home, isn't she?

She's clearly tending to his wound.

You're so grubby!

What? If you were out in the war, and then you had to come back,

you'd welcome something like that, wouldn't you?

[cringing]

[guide] We're now entering the Obersalzberg area.

In the 19th and early 20th century,

this mountain here, with its beautiful view of the valley,

attracted a lot of tourists, but one person in particular,

and that person was Adolf Hitler.

Jesus Christ!

So that's why we've come here.

-Yeah. -That's why we're on this tour.

He loved the place so much that he spent all his summer vacations up here.

We will now make a brief stop so we can approach Hitler's Berghof residence.

So of all the places that we could go, in all the world,

you've chosen to come to Berchtesgaden

so that we could visit Hitler's holiday home.

Yeah, because I thought it was important that you saw, saw--

You're absolutely obsessed!

I'm not obsessed with Hitler.

As you know, the person I'm obsessed with is Winston Churchill.

Can I just say, anyone who has to start

with the sentence, "I'm not obsessed with Hitler,"

I mean, that's--

You should never have to use that sentence.

You should never have to even... point that out.

I mean, I think it's important that you know about this war

and about this man.

-We're at his holiday home! -Yes.

It's weird!

[Jack] Though it's not the first thing mentioned on his Wiki page,

Hitler designed the Berghof residence himself,

with a sun terrace where his mistress could top up her tan,

and a grand hall, where he loved to watch cartoons into the small hours.

A secluded mountain retreat where he could welcome everyone

from Mussolini, the dodgier British royals,

and the Aga Khan.

Where is this bloody place?

So, here we are

in the middle of Hitler's home.

[guide] You see, not much left.

Definitely not much left.

The ruins were destroyed by the Bavarian government in 1952

to bring this history chapter to a permanent end.

1945, I was in London.

I used to hear the B2 bombs coming over our house.

And they go... [buzzing] ...and stop.

The silence, I remember.

And then boom!

Except, fortunately, they never bombed our house.

But you could hear just down the road--

So how did it feel now that you're stood

where the man responsible for that used to live?

Very strange.

[Michael] Thank God for Winston Churchill is all I can say.

[Jack] Can we do fun stuff on this tour as well?

Not just all be about dry history?

[Michael] I just wanted to remind you of what had happened during the war.

[Jack] What are we doing after this?

Going to have a sail around on Mussolini's yacht?

[Michael] No, don't be ridiculous.

So I've just done my dad's "history tour,"

and this trip and our time in Germany is not being turned

into some morbid, Nazi circle jerk.

So I've come back to my room, I've gone online,

and I've found this bloke.

The Happy Bavarian,

who is a local guide,

and I suspect, with a face like that,

he's gonna be able to show us a lighter side of Germany.

I think we'll get on.

The Happy Bavarian and The Grumpy Londoner.

Right. I need to delete my internet history.

I typed in "Germany fun times"

and saw some quite disturbing pornography along the way to finding this bloke.

[Jack] So, day two of our educational adventure,

and our Happy Bavarian Joe, who looks like a carriage top that comes to life,

has been told to show us the best of Bavaria,

natural beauty, culture, cuisine.

Anything, in fact, that doesn't involve Hitler.

[Joe] Hopefully, we'll have a nice time.

Especially, some places we are running to,

I'm sure something you haven't seen yet.

You and your grossvater.

Trust me.

Why does he keep calling me "gross farter?"

What does that mean?

Very weird.

It means "wise."

-Wise. -Wise. Oh, yeah.

[Jack] Our first stop today is the towering Zugspitze.

At nearly 10,000 feet, Germany's tallest mountain.

Okay, guys. Let's go.

[Jack] And the home of a marvel of German engineering.

Hi, welcome aboard the Zugspitze cable car,

our brand new cable car.

[woman] Imagine building up here.

It's an incredible job.

[Michael] You wouldn't get an English builder to come up here.

They'd want to be home by 4:00.

[Jack] Zugspitze's summit punches through all but the highest clouds.

Joe says that the view is spectacular.

Gentlemen, I think visibility is really getting much, much better.

[Michael] Yes, it is.

A few meters, and we will be above the clouds, close to the sun.

When we pass through the clouds and head towards the light,

don't get distressed. Just remember we're on a cable car.

I know at your age, when those kind of experiences happen,

-maybe you might... -Yeah, right.

[Jack] For the final ascent to the summit, there's a lift.

This is where we're heading.

Exactly.

[Jack] Cameras at the ready.

[wind howling]

[Michael] Fucking hell!

-[Michael] Look at this! -[Jack] Wow.

-[Michael] What about that, eh? -[Jack] Glad we came up here for this!

So, where's Munich?

Munich is this direction.

Is it in that patch of white or that patch of white?

-[Joe] This direction. -[Jack] This one.

[Jack] We should do one of those panoramas.

[Jack] This is amazing.

[Jack] Well, that didn't exactly go to plan.

And now, we're stuck up a mountain in a blizzard.

I hope Daddy's Alive premonition doesn't come back to haunt us.

Still, at least we've got Joe.

Not only does he look like he'd taste delicious,

but he knows all the best hangouts up the side of a mountain.

[Joe] Please, step in.

[Jack] And he appears to have found us a very secluded spot

for a nice, quiet drink.

[Jack] Shit!

-[Joe] What did you do, my friend? -[Jack] I don't know.

I would say that's a major malfunction.

[Jack] You know, I never can understand why people hate Brits abroad.

[Joe] No, that's not the way we drink the bier in Bavaria!

Oh, it came out really quick!

Okay, buddy, I'll take my finger out. You put it in.

[Joe sighing]

[Jack] A little bit of wastage, I think.

[Jack] Welcome to The Iglu-Dorf,

an entire hotel carved out of ice.

-That's for you, my friend. -Thanks.

It's got a little head on it.

[Jack] Complete with a traditional Hofbräuhaus.

[Joe speaking German]

[Michael] Do you have maybe a champagne or something like that?

-That's a lot of bier. -That looks good.

[Joe] We have traditional dishes prepared for you.

[Jack] Can you pass me one of those wursts?

-I need to soak up a bit of the bier. -Sausages.

And traditional...

-Not in the bier! Oh, my god! -Yes!

Jack, what you are doing?

Just dunking.

[Joe] Okay.

Daddy?

-No, I think I'll leave that. -It's tradition.

-I'll put it in my mouth. -Special spicy...

We can start at each end like Lady and the Tramp.

Ridiculous! No. Absolutely no way.

-[Michael] What is that? -[Jack] Cabbage. You'd like it.

Try something! We've come all the way to Bavaria!

I have said no. I won't have any of that.

Meatloaf. Excellent tradition. Together with potato salad.

Spam. It's like Spam.

[Jack] Yes, it's like Spam. You love Spam! See?

Well, I don't love it, but I had to eat it during the war.

[belching] Sorry.

You told me we're weren't allowed to mention the war.

-[music playing] -[men singing in German]

[Jack] Why, after a few biers,

do I always end up with a German dude in a hot tub?

In today's blizzard, it's a balmy -17 degrees.

Look at this. The hair is literally frozen.

My chest hair has frozen.

-Your hair on top is also frozen. -Is it?

What the fuck are you doing, you two?

Come in!

No fucking way!

[Jack] You look like Cruella de Vil.

Get that off and get in here!

Absolutely no way!

Sorry, Joe. It's too cold. I'm gonna hop out and get in the sauna.

Whoo!

[Joe] Wait. Wait. Wait.

[Joe] Whoo!

[Jack] As Joe and I explore our boundaries in the sauna,

Daddy seems to have certainly found his.

The challenge remains:

can we find some slice of Bavaria that we can both enjoy?

An hour later, and several thousand feet lower, we're back on the road.

But the Bavarian Alps aren't all about bier, bratwurst, and naked male sparring.

They're also famous for an array of winter sports.

Fun for all the family.

[Joe] I think there are quite a lot of different opportunities

you can do together like bobsleighing...

or tandem paragliding...

or skiing.

Now, I would say on that score,

no...

no...

no.

[Jack] Daddy is being a little negative,

but as I learned in the sauna, Joe can be very persuasive.

He's taking us to a car park near the village of Ramsau,

which has been transformed into a makeshift track

for one of Bavaria's more unusual sporting pastimes.

And by "unusual," I mean mental.

Oh, sweet!

[Jack] Motorcycle skijoring.

Amazing! We're gonna be doing this?

So you think I'm going to go running behind that, do you? No.

[Jack] Look, there's kids doing it. It's easy.

I think I might get back in the car. Why don't you do this on your own?

[Jack] Well, this just screams Michael Whitehall.

[exclaiming]

[Jack] Looks pretty lethal.

There are plenty of people here to help if something goes wrong.

And only some of them are pissed.

-Quite a lot of drinking. -[Michael] Is it just bier?

-Only bier. We are Bavarian. -[Jack] Pussies.

[Jack] Anton, a veteran skijorer, as in the one guy who hasn't died,

is here to help us out.

-[Jack] A sidecar? -[Anton] Yes.

Daddy, look!

Gentlemen, that's the option I have for you.

So you don't need to ride the bike--

-That's not a sidecar. -It is!

-You don't sit in there. -You can sit in there like that.

[Michael] Like you're having a shit, that kind of effect?

[Jack] It's perfect!

-No. -Come on.

Never, ever get to do anything together, sports-wise,

and this'll be our chance to do it. I'll be on the back--

-We can go on a walk together in the snow. -Walking's not a sport.

I think it's a very easy way for us to do an activity together,

and you to participate for once.

-[sarcastically] Cheers for that. -You can just sit here.

You've been racking your brains to think what I'd do when we got here,

and this was the best you came up with?

I'm doing the hard bit, skiing along on the back of the motorbike.

All you have to do is just sit here.

It's either this or a bobsled. What would you prefer?

[Michael] I have felt guilty about not doing sport with Jack.

So the least I can do is help him,

and be part of what he's doing,

and be enthusiastic about what he does.

[Jack] With all the gear but absolutely no idea,

it's time for Team Whitehall's skijoring crash course.

Not crash course. Just a course.

-You have to lean back a little bit more. -A little bit more?

-Little bit more. -Yeah.

-Little bit more. -Yeah.

-Little bit more. -Yeah.

That's okay.

Remember one thing: never put the rope on your hand.

If you fall, and the rope slings about your hand...

I'll break my wrist.

-I think you'll lose your hand. -Okay.

[Jack] [sarcastically] Thanks, Anton. Really comforting advice.

It's time to hit the track in a friendly race

against another father and son team, Herman ze German...

- How do you do? I'm Michael. -Hello.

[Jack] ...and his 8 year old son, Franz.

Gonna have you on toast, Big Man!

Why are those ambulance people looking so excited?

Sizing you up for a stretcher.

It's very hard on the bum, this.

Jack, we need to go very, very slowly.

[Jack] And we're off!

And already behind.

[Jack] We need to go a bit quicker!

[Michael] Please slow down!

Jack! You're gonna bloody kill me!

[Jack] Coming into the final corner,

I can feel the chance of victory slipping away.

[Jack] Lean! Lean, Daddy!

[Michael] I am leaning!

[Jack] Daddy!

Help!

Daddy!

What have you done, Jack?

You were meant to lean and calibrate the thing.

You didn't, so you went off too far to the side of the track,

-and then I lost control. -Oh, I see. So it was my fault?

-I got all that churned up-- -Ow!

Oh, sorry! Sorry!

-I was just trying to-- -How dare you do that to me?

-No! That's what you-- -Do not do that to me!

-Stop it! -Then don't do it to me!

This is week one, and you're trying to kill me!

[Jack] Stop it! Stop being a fool!

-Respect! -No!

That was incredible.

Skijoring with my dad, I never thought I would see the day.

I don't know if Michael will do it again. I wouldn't want him to.

But I'm proud of him for throwing himself into it.

Thank you very much.

You're a true gentleman.

It was really a pleasure.

Had an amazing day.

The only slight problem is

I've been sat on this mound of snow now for quite a while,

and I think I may have frostbite on my anus.

It's so cold!

[Hilary on phone] I'm a little bit confused,

because I thought the whole point of this tour was

that it was a cultural tour,

and you seem to be up a mountain on a motorbike, skiing.

Yeah, well, this is so Jack, isn't it?

I mean, sort of hijacking the whole thing.

It's sweet of you to have done it for your son.

[Michael] I agree.

But my feeling is that

this cultural tour has gone off the rails very quickly.

Yeah, I mean, it's never got on the rails, to be honest.

[laughing] Yeah.

The other thing I was gonna say to you is I have to be honest

and say I have revised my opinion about the Krauts.

Apart from the terminology, but okay, that's a good start.

Yeah, I mean, I think they are very charming,

and they've been very nice to me.

It's great that you're...

you know, you're showing a more tolerant side to your nature,

and I'm very glad that that's come out this trip,

so soon, actually. It's great.

Yeah, I mean, they're much nicer than the French.

And Michael Whitehall is back in the room.

[Jack] Time to leave.

We're now catching a train to Hungary,

the next stop on this Magical Misery Tour.

Last year, my father loved taking the Orient Express,

so I've booked him another sleeper.

It's off to the Hau... Haupundant...

Hauptehun-dep...

the train station.

He's in a very chipper mood.

Your outfits are getting more and more offensive by the day.

What do you mean? I think I look very smart.

You look like the villain from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Ridiculous.

Now, where's this VIP area, you said?

-There's no VIP area. -You did!

-We're going on a sleeper train. -You said it'd be VIP all the way.

-Hello, this is first class here? -Yes, this is the sleeping car.

Fine. Thank you.

It doesn't look very first-class, this.

-Are you sure this is the right... -Just keep going. Go.

-[Jack] Stop complaining. -[Micahel] Where is our room?

-Here, here, here. Two beds. -Here?

Three beds, this seems to have.

-[Michael] Are you sure this is it? -[Jack] Yes.

[Michael] This is absolutely gross!

I'm not sleeping in here.

[Michael] I can't believe you've talked me into this.

I thought it'd be a nice surprise.

You loved the Orient Express. It was a highlight of the last trip.

I thought I'd book another sleeper train, and you'd be excited.

We had dinner in a nice restaurant with a nice wine list and everything.

Then we'll have dinner on here.

But there isn't a food place! There isn't a...

No.

[Michael] Have you got wine? Bottle of champagne?

Better than that, mate! Tinnies!

You know I don't drink beer. This train is leaving now.

-Yeah. -So we can't get off it now.

Fuck.

Out of all the...

Who are these people?

Is it here?

Sorry. You have wrong room.

[speaking German]

They're in this compartment.

That means you people only have this way, and they have this one.

[Jack] Okay.

So there are two other people sleeping in this tiny, little--

Yes! It's a couchette!

I don't mind what the fuck it is.

"It's a couchette." That doesn't mean anything.

That's just a made-up name.

Look, you went to a boarding school.

It's like being in a dormitory on a train.

-It's nothing like a dormitory on a train. -It is.

I'm surprised this lady doesn't come and sleep in here, too.

Guten.

Hello.

I don't believe this. This is just absolutely farcical.

-Put in some earplugs, an eye mask. -I don't have earplugs.

You won't know they're there. Just chill out.

I'm won't chill out.

It's a sleeper train. You just have to sleep on the bed.

It'll be absolutely fine. I'm sure these guys are great.

Oh, thank you very much. I can't--

I don't know how to thank you for this trip.

Talk about Murder on the Orient Express.

It's gonna be murder on this fucking train, I can tell you.

Oh, why don't you just chill out and have some dinner?

I'm not going to chill out.

-Daddy? -What?

-What's the wurst that could happen? -What?

The wurst. It's called a wurst. What's the wurst that could happen?

Yeah, that's very funny.

Yeah, extremely funny.

You sure?

No! Take that away!

No! I don't want it! It's horrible!

[grumbling] Yuck!

Ugh! I got it all over my hands now!

[Jack] Well, I think Daddy can feel the wheels coming off his cultural tour.

And I'm getting an uneasy sense that a storm is coming.

[Michael] You promise me you haven't got any drug cigarettes or anything like that?

Oh, my god!

We're gonna have to pick our moment for you to see Jack again.