Original subtitles

OK, guys, Intimacy Week's coming up.

How do you feel about that?

Is that you in in bed for the rest of the day now, is it?

Are you having a breakdown? Ha.

Oh, no, it's not that

Married at First Sight Australia horseshit again?

Oh, two people looking for love is horseshit, is it?

They're not looking for love.

They're looking for fame so they can sell sunglasses on TikTok,

as if getting married wasn't tacky enough.

Bloody hell, he doesn't even like weddings now!

Get yourself in debt

so you can pretend to your friends you live in a fairy tale? You knobs.

Oh, you cynical old man!

What job is it anyway?

Weirdly, it's an actual wedding, down near Wolves.

Well, you tell that couple from me to

"cherish every single moment they're together

"cos that's what soulmates do."

What?!

It's what Cheryl's just said to Digga in episode one. Aww!

Yep, weddings. Meaningless sentiment.

See you later.

CHATTER

All right, Wicky? All right, Jack?

What happened?

Mad one. So, wedding reception's about to start,

some bloke in a balaclava comes in,

smacks one of the guests round the head with a baseball bat.

Bloody hell! Dead?

Nah, he'll have a bloody headache though.

Ketchup all over the shop.

One of the guests tackled him,

so we've got the toerag in custody, but he won't talk.

Just letting them get on with it.

Get on with what?

Father of the bride wants to carry on with the reception.

Eh?! You'll see when you meet him.

Legend.

Ah.

Where's Ruth? She's at home, watching some reality shit.

About time you made an honest woman of her, innit?

Eh? Shut up! Why would we want all this nonsense?

All women want to get married, Wicky.

They want to have their princess day.

Jesus, Jack, you can't say that sort of thing any more, mate.

You'll get cancelled. You'll have to go and work in Nando's.

I didn't say it. Lorraine Kelly did.

Why are you watching Lorraine?

Personal choice.

Here we go!

Legend alert!

The cavalry arrives!

Not before time, son.

We've got a bloody big train to get back on the tracks here.

Right, go on.

Sorry, I don't...

He knows. Course he knows!

Come on.

I... I really don't...

Just sing the song if you want, mate.

Song?

Bob Mammot's your king!

He knows, he's just being polite.

Right, kid, this is for you.

Oh, we're not allowed, Bob.

Hey, hey, you know, you've been as good as gold

and we could do without all this getting in the press, you know.

And you're going to keep it on the downlow, yeah? Take it.

Cheers, Bob.

I'll have a vape in the panda, make sure you're not disturbed.

Right.

Wicky. Wicky.

Here's me hand, right?

Here's me heart.

Now, I've heard you're the best in the business.

I'm going to need you to perform some miracles here, son.

Come this way.

So what was the attack all about, then?

Total mystery.

Professional jealousy, probably.

Oh, yeah? A lot of that in the storage world, is there?

Yeah. Who else has facilities in Stourbridge, Dudley and West Brom?

No-one! Oh!

And it's going to take more than a hoodie swinging his dick around

to derail a Mammot wedding.

Thought he was swinging a baseball bat round?

Hey, have a bit of respect, kid. A man was hurt.

Sorry.

Hey, Dave, there's canapes and fizz in there, son.

Give your missus a break from the prosecco.

Cheap twot.

Right, you need to get a wriggle on.

Keep this on the downlow.

Jasper Carrott's going to be here in a minute.

Right.

Master of ceremonies.

Ah.

Thought he'd retired.

HE thought he had...

..until he saw how many zeros were on the end of the cheque.

Three. Ah!

With a four in front.

Four grand. Four grand, yeah. Yeah.

Also, I hurt my wrist writing one out for UB40 -

featuring Ali Campbell.

Oh, right.

Are they going to play Red Red Wine?

Well, we're not going to have the first dance to

Rat In Mi Kitchen are we, you plum?

Any more stupid questions?

Yeah, one.

Who was it who got hit?

It was me dad!

Oh, God, I'm sorry. I...

Who would want to hurt your dad?

We built this empire together.

Me and me dad are the biggest storage providers

in the Black Country.

Maybe it was cutting the head off the storage snake.

He's my rock, Wicky. My rock.

They wouldn't lie and say he wasn't OK if he wasn't OK,

they wouldn't do that, would they, Wicky?!

No, I'm sure if they said he'll be fine, he'll be fine.

Yeah.

You're a good man, Wicky.

I can see that.

I won't forget this.

I mean, do you even know your inside leg measurement?

What about this, then? All right? Yeah, it's nice.

Oh, here he is, my worst half!

Hello! Hello!

You're not going to believe this, Bob, I just caught

the Right Honourable David Quince MP trying to sneak out!

Oh, yeah, you're not going anywhere, sir. Well...

Let's get you a drink. I think I've had quite enough.

Oh, he says he's had enough.

We'd never live it down, would we?!

"MP seen leaving Mammot wedding sober."

No? No, thank you, to that headline.

I think in the circumstances it would be best I left.

I think the press might see it as a...

David! I will not have you leave the wedding of the year!

And there's no press coming - other than the ones I've paid for.

Got a double-page shoot in the... West Midlands Now.

Yeah, and we've got this big lad here,

he's going to clear up the mess.

All right? We've met before.

I doubt it, I doubt that very much.

Now, David, I would love to talk you through the wedding menu...

We have met before.

Do you remember? you came down my local pub for a photo shoot

during the election.

Not seen you since, though. Typical politician.

I imagine a politician is a bit busy to sip pints with a cleaner.

Crime scene cleaner.

Hey, don't worry about that pint that you left by the way.

My mate Weasel mine-swept it.

He's not bought a drink in 12 years,

not bad for a functioning alcoholic.

I say functioning,

he shat himself.

David, would you excuse me for a moment

while I handle this gentleman?

Wicky.

I shall show "the cleaner" to where he is needed.

Don't let him leave!

Right, OK, so,

get chugging on that, David. Ooh, er...

Hey. Oh!

Sorry, but am I not cleaning this first?

Oh, sorry.

Just thought it might be nice to get the blood off

my daughter's 23-grand wedding dress first!

Come!

It's quality that, it's been soaked in oak or summat!

SOBBING

Mum! How is he? Is he going to be OK?

Who? Grandad, of course!

He's fine! You just focus on being the perfect bride.

Get her slap sorted, Tara.

It's a disaster.

Look at me!

Oh, you look gorgeous, Anne-Marie.

Why would anyone want to hurt Grandad?

Tell her she looks like an angel, Ravi.

You do, you look well fit.

Like an angel! Like an angel, yeah.

There you go. Thank God this one was here to tackle the little shit.

We owe you, Ravi, don't we, Anne-Marie?

Yeah, thanks, Rav.

Anything for you.

You was a hero, Ravi.

Like a Brummie Jason Statham.

GIGGLING

Hey, you're Ravi Singh?!

Yeah. That's mad!

I saw you score against Brentford this season!

Yeah, that was a good goal, that.

Hey, congratulations, by the way.

Ta. Oi, Cleaning Tower of Pisa,

you're not here to spot celebrities.

There's a bride there.

Yeah, all right, I was just...

I'm surprised to see him.

How you doing? You all right?

Never mind the therapy, get that muck off her veil!

Can you get it off?

Hey, do bears shit in the woods?

Oh! You show some respect.

It's my little girl's wedding day.

Fucking bears shitting in the woods.

Hey, Tara, hoick them jugs up.

We need a bit of glamour in the photos.

Give it here, I'll go and soak it for you.

Oh, I'll get a picture for Insta, babe.

Not when I look like this!

Yeah, maybe let me clean her up first, eh, girls?

I think maybe we just cancel it all, Mum.

What? Are you a Mammot or a mouse?

Cancel? Have you any idea how much all of this cost?

You think Jasper Carrott, Ali Campbell

and Noddy Holder are free?!

I told you, I don't know who they are!

Who's all this for?

So ungrateful.

For you, my girl.

To make you the bride of the fucking century!

Can we go and see Grandad?

What for? He's off his nut on morphine.

We have got a schedule as tight as a gnat's chuff, my girl.

You stay focused.

I spoke to your dad before, he said he's going to be fine.

Your grandad, I mean.

And he's an old comedian.

He had a hit about a funky moped.

Jasper Carrott.

It's less relevant. I should have bailed at the grandad fact.

Bollocks, we're supposed to be throwing the bouquet!

Come on, girls, the photographer's on the clock.

She don't need a veil

to throw a bunch of flowers over her fucking shoulder.

I just wanted a normal wedding!

Mammots are not normal.

Ravi, love, do you mind helping Bob move the cake?

No problem, Mrs M.

Cheer up, Anne-Marie.

You look... Like an angel.

Yeah, like an angel.

Right, come on, you lot, photos.

Tits and C.

Charmer, isn't she?

She might be the worst person I've ever met

and there was a lad in my town who had sex with a magpie.

They Wolves socks?

Yeah. Yeah!

You play with Ravi, do you?

I used to, on the youth team, but didn't make the cut.

Aw, but you've stayed best mates? That's nice.

Yeah, I mean,

don't see much of him now that he's busy with the team, like.

Ah, well, shit game anyway, innit?

I only went to that match because I had a spare ticket

cos my mate fell into a septic tank.

He what?

I mean I say fell, he dived!

He'd been on poppers for three days.

What do you do now?

Work for Bob, unfortunately.

Ah, the power behind the Storage King's throne, eh?

Nightmare about this attack!

Yeah, I mean I can't say it was a massive shock, but...

Yeah, he said something about a jealous rival, is it?

Is that what he told you?

Oh! Why you know different, do you?

Well....

There you are, brain-ache.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

DJ needs help setting up.

Can't someone else do it?

Can't someone else do it?

You work for me, you bloody muppet.

Even Ravi is helping out. It's all hands to the pump.

Bob, we should have a chat about what's just happened.

My boots will have a chat with your ping pongs in a minute, son.

Get!

Bloody kids these days, eh, Wicky?

Right, let's get me dad's spooge off that cake.

Love you, Dad.

Stay strong.

Thank you for your patience, everybody.

Please enjoy a glass of vintage champagne...

..courtesy of the Storage King himself,

Mr Bob Mammot.

There you go, big man.

Good lad. What do you think?

Well, it's big. "It's big", he says.

That's four grand's worth of cream sponge in there, mate.

Who's that?

Who do you fuckin' think? It's the mug who paid for it!

Well?

Well, I can clean it, yeah,

but the chemicals are pretty toxic, you know.

It's all right.

Well...it's life-threatening.

Doesn't know much about showbiz this one, does he, Ravi?

Nah. Yeah, right. Show him your watch.

Nah, you're all right.

No, go on, show him your watch.

Right, how much is that?

I'm not really a watch guy, lads.

Guess how much. How much?!

Yeah, go on.

3 million?

3 fuckin' million?! What are you talking about?

Like I say, I'm not really a watch guy.

That's 80 grand's worth, that watch.

80 grand!

Now, did you have to spend that to tell the time, Ravi?

Yeah... Did you, Ravi?

No!

You don't.

And you don't need to eat a cake to be impressed by it.

The function of this cake is to wow the crowds before my...

..before...

..you know, the speeches.

Right, see, lights down, right?

Jasper comes out, gives it the big 'un,

then UB40 crank out Baby Come Back,

then lights up...

Cake.

Wheeled out by a bloody Premiership football player.

And then I come out, give it all the funnies!

Legend!

Too right I'm a legend, come here, Ravi Singh.

You're the son I never had, mate.

I mean it. Do you understand that?

I'm just thinking, Bob, right, you're the legend of storage

and I'm the legend of score-age.

Fuck me, mate.

Did you just come up with that?

Yeah.

Did you hear that? He just came up with that.

I'm going to open with that, mate.

Can I have that? I mean it.

That'll bring the ceiling down.

Lads, just to be clear, if I clean this cake

and someone eats it, they might die.

Bob!

That bastard MP's had it on his toes again!

We've got star-studded speeches.

We can afford to lose an MP.

No, I want him here.

I told everyone he'd be here.

Where's Anne-Marie? Has she gone AWOL?

Shithouse bride, that girl.

Hey, Viv, it's our daughter's big day. Come on.

What's this bell doing here? The floor isn't done.

What are you doing here, you bell?

Ravi, sweetheart, will you please find Anne-Marie?

She'll listen to you.

Tell her she needs to be working that courtyard.

MP! NOW!

So sorry, sir.

Mr Carrott and Mr Campbell are stuck in traffic.

Shit, bollocks!

Right...

I'm going to phone Jeff Lynne from ELO.

Hey, Mr Blue Sky.

That's right. No, it's Bob Mammot.

Yeah, it is, Bob Mammot.

Yeah, King of Storage.

Oi.

Does this not bug you a bit?

What?

Why's he on the cake? It's your wedding!

It's not. What?

It's not my wedding. I'm best man.

You seen Anne-Marie?

You better watch that woman, son.

Don't want to lose her on the way home, do you, eh?

Eh? Hey!

Heeey! 1-nil! Ha-ha!

You're the groom?!

What are you doing out here?

You should be cleaning up. Vivien will go mad!

If you're the groom, why's he got you running round like some skivvy?

Same reason he's made me buy all this shit no-one needs -

he's a boss.

Look, the whole family are mad.

Well, why are you marrying into it, then?

Because Anne-Marie is amazing.

It's mad! You haven't even been in the photos!

Yeah, but I'm not a celebrity, am I?

Why would they want a photo of me?

Oh, no. No, no, this is no good.

It's none of my business, but this is your day.

You have to do a Janet Jackson here, mate.

You're going to have to take control.

She's a singer.

Had a series of hits in the '80s and '90s?

She whopped her bap out at the Super Bowl!

It doesn't matter who she is, Manish! Focus!

You know what? You're right.

Thanks, Wicky.

Don't thank me.

Thank Janet Jackson.

Now, go.

Ah, mate, we've been together for years,

but I don't even know what to say to her.

Hey, all she needs is for you to call her your wife, all right?

Failing that - God forgive me - play the grandad card.

OK.

Anne-Marie...

What are you doing here? Dad's looking for you.

Yeah, but I've barely seen you all day.

Not even had a chance to call you my wife yet.

Sounds good, doesn't it? "Wife".

Oh, don't be a melt, Manish.

Grandad!

Listen, I was thinking maybe we could go to the hospital

and see how your grandad's doing.

Eh?

No, we can't, Mani.

They're going mental.

It's the photos, then the meal, then the speeches.

That's how it works. Yeah, but this is OUR wedding day!

We can do what we want.

I know you'll feel better if you see him.

Now, this is none of my business and it might not help,

but if you want, I could cause a distraction and you can go.

I used to be able to do the robot, something like...

Actually, that won't help, but...

..you can borrow my van.

Cheers, Wicky.

Well, well, well!

This is a cosy love-in.

Where have you two been?

I was talking to Mani. Why?

Because she's my wife.

Ooh, lucky girl!

But you two have got the rest of your lives to talk shit.

Meanwhile, your poor dad is losing his mind.

Carrott and Campbell are stuck in traffic on the motorway.

Ah... Coming together, are they? That's a bit weird.

Shut it, you!

Now, I won't lie to you, Anne-Marie.

You've let the family down - God forgive me - and your poor

grandfather would be ashamed.

He's lying there in that hospital bed with his brain smashed out

while you two kiss and cuddle!

That is an awful thing to say.

Oh, tears again.

Did the spoilt girl not get everything she wanted?

Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're the one causing the stress?!

Woo! Hello, big balls!

Nah. You're not worthy of this family.

You know that, don't you?

Bob just gave you the job out of pity.

You're just some failed footballer our Anne-Marie took a shine to.

Christ, I don't even know why she chose you,

especially when, well, you know...

..there are other options.

OK.

I think it went quite well.

Just leave it, man.

She's right.

Hey!

You know something, don't you?

You know why all this happened.

Right, kid, tell the kitchen to stall.

Jeff Lynne's having his bathroom fitted.

He said he's going to move a few things around and it should work,

so he should be able to make it, OK?

But the Chef said the chicken will get dry.

Well, tell him to rub butter on it or something!

It's not fucking rocket science! Go!

Thank you for your continued patience, everybody.

Strap yourselves in, you're going to have a cracking night.

Just don't leave, please.

Dunna suit you, crying, kid.

Brought you this.

I don't want it.

Might make you feel better.

I just wanted a normal wedding.

Just me and him.

You're worried about your grandad.

Don't worry, I rang the hospital for you. They say he's fine.

Did you?

Yeah.

Ravi saves the day again, eh?

Thank you. Course, yeah.

Come on, kid. No more tears.

It was always meant to be me and you.

What?

Come on. Ravi, what the fuck?

Come on, babes, I know you love me.

Anne-Marie.

I knew it.

Mani, no.

Manish! No!

That goal came off your ankle anyway, you knob!

It didn't.

Manish! HE WHEEZES

Don't make me run any more, mate.

I'm clinically obese.

I don't look it, but I am.

I get away with it cos I'm tall, but it's...it's all here.

Belly fat.

It's the dangerous kind.

Just forget it, Wicky. They got what they wanted.

No, nothing happened. I saw it.

She turned him down.

Yeah, but I don't fit in.

You've seen it yourself.

No, neither of you do.

That's why you've got to tell her.

OK.

Let's do it. Let's.

Oh, this is mad. I'm just going to go.

Hey.

Weddings are meaningless...

..but I know when two people are right, OK?

Thanks, Wicky.

DISTANT MOVEMENT

MAN AND WOMAN PANT

Anne-Marie?

Yeah, fair play, I wasn't expecting that.

Now, I may have read this quite badly, Manish.

I'm... I'm not too proud to admit that to you, mate.

Well, don't go in there!

Manish!

I knew I'd get you to stay somehow, David.

I don't want to go home! Ugh!

Nearly there, love.

You're polling well.

HE GROANS

Get in there!

Hello.

Ah...

David, get out, lad.

HE SIGHS

Come on. Yeah.

When people say to me, "Why storage?"

I say, "Because every kingdom needs a king."

The plains of Africa have the lion

and the leading storage solution of Wolverhampton...

..have Bob Mammot! FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Dad, have you seen Mani?

No! No, I haven't seen him!

I'm not the boy's keeper.

I have to do all the bloody work for him as it is.

No, you don't.

I'm the only one that knows what's going on in your stupid business.

Uh-oh!

Shut up! What the fuck are you talking about?

Mani... You are not going to believe this, Bob.

Them two burst in when I was helping David get ready for the speeches.

God knows what he's thinking now.

He was a debt collector, the bloke with the baseball bat.

Fuck off, was he.

He was, Anne-Marie.

Your dad's run the business into the ground.

I should know - I do the accounts.

HE GROWLS

Ooh!

He's been borrowing left, right and centre

to pay for this wedding...

..from dodgy people.

What? Dad?

Now do you see who you married, my girl?

He's a little liar.

Tell her, Bob.

HE MOANS

Bob, tell her!

Don't look at me.

I'm busted.

Bob!

Aaaargh!

THEY GASP

Ooh!

He's right. We're on our arse.

Forgive me, Dad! Argh!

I did this for you, Anne-Marie!

What have you done?!

You bloody bastard!

I hate you!

I want a divorce!

I don't want to be poor!

I'm supposed to be rich!

No way is that fresh cream.

I don't know...

I don't know who I am any more!

You're Bob Mammot! You're Bob Mammot!

Bob! Bob!

You are the Storage King!

Who's the fucking Storage King?!

Yes, love?

Er, sorry to interrupt, Mr Mammot,

but...Jeff Lynne just pulled out.

Aaaaaaaargh!

Let's go to the hospital.

BOB AND VIVIEN GROAN AND SOB

I'll get my mop.

Could all guests leave the premises immediately.

This event is cancelled.

Yeah, yeah, get the face out.

Just the watch and the tits. Just the watch and the tits.

That's the money-maker. Your face ain't, darling. Trust me, kid.

Yeah, yeah.

Bling, bling, Ravi Singh. Tag me in it.

What do you want, cleaner?

Oh, I'd just like to finish my job.

Just put things right.

Oh, cheers.

Give me that.

Oh, not the watch! Not the watch!

CAMERA CLICKS

Put that on Insta.

I'm a Premiership footballing...

Ref!

And, for the record, you're more than a pair of boobs.

No, I'm not.

OK.

Oh, no! Oh, no, not the watch again!

Fuck! Fuck! Bridesmaid, get me a towel!

Fetch me a towel, love.

Bob Mammot's your king!

SWITCHES OFF

All right?

Ooh...

Did you get it sorted?

Yeah.

It was all quite dramatic in the end.

Well, that's weddings, though, innit, really?

Not all of 'em.

Do you know what I don't get, though?

I mean, that Digga...

..he knew that she wasn't right for him

and yet he still went ahead with it.

How many times? They're not real weddings.

Yeah, but... SHE SIGHS

..why do it at all?

Do you know what I mean? It's just daft.

Well, just if two people are happy,

just...get on with your life, innit? Just...

..just get on.

Right, I'm off to bed.

Press start on the microwave.

You're six minutes away from a top jalfrezi.

Antacids are in the bathroom cupboard.

Night, love. See you.