Original subtitles

HE SIGHS Ooh, what the hell?

What time is it?

5:30. I've got a job.

Do you have to go now?

Come back for a bit.

I'll make it worth your while.

No. I haven't got time for your nonsense.

I feel awful.

You've never complained about my nonsense before.

I can't wait to retire.

It can't be normal to wake up every day

feeling like you've had a stroke.

You can have a stroke.

Stop making moves on me, you Hobbit!

I feel dreadful. I've got to be there in half an hour.

Well, you don't normally need that long, Grandad.

HE SCOFFS Oh, she's a funny woman, isn't she?

SHE GIGGLES All right.

All right, you sexy munchkin.

I'll show you how much energy Grandad's got.

Oh! Wahey!

Now!

Oi! You can't park there.

You can't!

Good morning to you.

Don't worry, I have a permit.

A blue badge? I can't see a blue badge!

How have you got a blue badge?

He couldn't even get a blue badge and he has bad legs.

Don't talk about my bad legs!

You want to worry about your bad eyes!

It's not a blue badge,

it's police-issue so...

You're not a policeman!

I'm here to clean.

What?

You're a man!

The world has gone mad!

A man earning a living like some Scottish single mother?

No, no. I'm a crime scene cleaner.

No, you can't park there, you'll get towed.

Come on. We'll miss coffee hour.

Oh, get off me, woman!

When I think of the girls I courted...

Oh, don't you bore me again about your horrible sluttish past!

It... It wasn't horrible and it wasn't sluttish.

How dare you!

It's 6:45am and welcome to Drakefield Community Centre.

The Watercolour Wanderers are delayed by nine minutes

and a happy 85th birthday to Alfred.

Hello, you're late.

What's going on? Why's it so busy?

Sorry, I'm the cleaner.

I know who you are. You were supposed to be here at six.

They start to queue from six.

Sorry, traffic.

I'll just crack on, though, shall I?

No, no, no, you can't clean now.

Can I not? No.

Next session starts in 12 minutes.

Oh, God, I'd never hear the end of it.

Jesus Christ, the letters I'd get.

Makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it.

I don't understand.

OK, once coffee hour's finished,

then the space is booked by specialist groups. OK?

They book months in advance and they do not want to share with anyone.

OK?

There's a committee.

It's fine. Old people love me.

Mm. OK.

Hey! What happened by the way?

Oh, yeah, Bill, one of our regulars, he...

He fell off the balcony.

YELLING

THUD!

He fell, did he?

Well, the police are pretty sure that's what happened, Pauline, yeah.

Oh, I'm sure they are.

Less paperwork.

Bill had bad lungs but there was nothing wrong with his balance.

Yeah, that won't be the last conspiracy you hear today.

Trust me.

Margaret, did those drawing pins I ordered arrive?

I can't keep putting these notices up with my bad hands.

Ah, I'm just waiting on the committee to OK the spend.

SHE GRUMBLES

There's a lot of bad body parts here, isn't there?

Has anyone actually been diagnosed with anything?

Oh, they don't go to the doctor.

They don't like to trouble the doctor.

No, they save it all for me.

Look! Take a piece of advice from someone who knows, yeah?

This is their world.

Do not get sucked in!

Now sit down and keep yourself to yourself.

You're in my chair.

Oh, hello again. Sorry.

I hate it when people do that to me in the pub.

Oh!

I'm Wicky, by the way.

Mmm! Now, what's this?

Oh, hello, again. I sit there.

I need a high back!

HE CHUCKLES Oh...

The old bad legs again, is it?

I was shot in the spine in the Falklands.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

You've done it now.

He's on the committee.

Oh.

BUSY CHATTER

If you're struggling a little bit,

I use these for distance.

Would you like to...

Eh?

Oh! This is him.

He said he was glad I was shot.

No. I did not!

I'm so sorry, I'll speak to the gentleman.

Oh, dear!

You've made me miss coffee hour.

You've done it now, you bounder!

How will I take my pills?

She uses her tea to take her pills.

AND he's still in my chair!

He needs a high-back chair!

Margaret, this sort of thing can't carry on.

It just can't.

My glasses...

Well, I warned you.

Your first letter.

Insulting a veteran.

Impersonating a police officer to get free parking.

I thought I told you to keep yourself to yourself.

I thought I was!

SHE HUFFS

HE EXHALES

Welcome, ladies.

It's lovely to see you.

Right, let's crack on.

HE EXHALES

Oh, hello.

I'm afraid the Watercolour Wanderers are fully subscribed.

We can include you in an internet waiting list.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm just here to clean this.

Impossible, I'm afraid.

My artists need a contemplative atmosphere.

The only sound you will hear will be the sound of soft brush upon canvas.

So...

Good morning, Watercolour Wanderers.

Art mirrors life and you have captured life in...

ZIP CLOSING

MUTTERING

..in your art.

Today, though, we dare to face death.

CASE THUDS

Sorry.

It's him over there and he's nothing but trouble.

GLOVES SNAP

Our brushes pay homage to a dearly departed friend.

BRUSH SCRUBS LOUDLY

HUSHED GASPS

Today, Water Colourers, we immortalise Bill.

OOHING & AHHING

BRUSH SCRUBBING

Oh, so disrespectful!

I'll brush quieter.

..outing you, outing me...

I'm sick of...

I'm going to have words with him. HUSHED COMPLAINTS

It's hard to see in these specs.

I'm sorry, I'm really trying.

Ahh!

SHE GASPS

Oh!

Hello?

SHE GROANS

DEEP RUMBLE

THEY BOTH SHRIEK

Mother of God, someone stop him!

SHRIEKING CONTINUES

HE SMACKS LIPS

Ah, well, these things happen.

Six letters now.

"It felt like he was dancing on Bill's grave, naked."

I lent her the glasses to be helpful!

They don't like to be helped.

They don't want to be patronised.

I thought retirement was some golden period of happy reflection.

Look, please, just mind your own business.

Only clean when the space is empty.

And never give up an opportunity to apologise.

Because they always win.

All right.

I'll go and get some kit from my van.

Apologetically. Very good.

How dare you?

Oh, shit. Now she's accusing Sue! Would you look at her go.

Great! That's what happens when you watch Midsomer Murders all day.

Ladies, ladies, ladies... What?

Right... No... Ladies, ladies, ladies, please. Please.

Ah, there you are.

It's this way.

Sorry? It's in here.

Quick as you like. They're waiting.

Who's waiting?

Now, then, what a treat it is for us to welcome...

..Huw Davey!

It is quite the privilege for us

to be joined by a professional singer

and I know you've all been looking forward to it.

Oh, I do think there's been a little bit of confusion here.

This is his pre-show banter.

He did all this on the cruise.

No, the thing is, I am actually just here to clean.

A male cleaner! You were right, he's a riot!

Pick a song, Davey.

This is the Sing-Along Swingers, not a chat club.

Yes, but...

Davey, take it from me, get them singing.

You're losing them.

HUSHED WHISPERS

Right, well...

Ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't expecting this,

but let's do this, shall we?

MIC INTERFERENCE

in your old kitbag

ORGAN ACCOMPANIES

You know it.

and laughter hear the snag

ORGAN STOPS

Now we're cooking!

Oh, shut up! You sing so...

So you...

What the hell was that?

How old do you think we are?

Pack Up Your Troubles?

None of us were more than toddlers in the war!

Oh... I was at Woodstock, you cheeky pig!

We're boomers!

I've had three abortions.

Three?

Your body, your right.

Now, let's give Mr Davey a chance.

Get the era right, Davey, for God's sake!

There's going to be a riot.

Yes, but I'm not the singer.

Follow me. HE PLAYS ORGAN

four o'clock, rock

eight o'clock, rock

12 o'clock, rock

rock around the clock tonight

No, no. Stop, stop. THEY SING

Sorry to interrupt!

Sorry to interrupt. SINGING STOPS

Can we have a word, please? Yeah.

It's fine.

Thatcher out! Oh!

GASPS

MIC INTERFERENCE

What the hell?!

I tried to tell them. They wouldn't listen!

Ah. Mr Huw Davey. Please, do go in.

HIGH-You'll be hearing from my solicitor!

You are one incident away from them calling a committee disciplinary.

Please, don't go opening a pandora's box.

Now, you might get 15 minutes of cleaning

before the Ballroom Follies take over the main space, OK?

the pipes are calling

Having a good morning, young man?

I mean, to be honest, it's more stressful than I ever imagined.

Poor Bill would be turning in his grave.

Wonderful man.

Loved by all.

Well, nearly all.

You don't think it was an accident, do you?

SHE SCOFFS

He fell, did he?

Well, yeah, the police report...

The police! The police...

Wake up!

He was pushed!

BILL YELLS

THUD!

By who?

I have yet to reach my conclusions,

but I am currently finding Christine's portrait

very interesting.

Ugh.

Oh! Now, don't you go aggravating her,

she's only just managed to get her pills down.

Actually, Maud, I wanted to apologise.

I shouldn't have interfered before.

I shouldn't have lent you my glasses.

You falling over - my fault.

You not being able to take your pills -

also my fault, so...

You can cut my lawn!

Hey? She wants you to make amends.

OK.

I guess I could pop over on my day off next Wednesday.

Wednesday is recycling day.

All day?

You heard the woman, it's recycling day!

One weekend? Ah, lovely!

A noisy lawnmower driving the neighbours mad.

Why not organise a rave in her garden, too? Bring a bag of Es!

Drugs?!

We can't have drugs on the property!

Oh, well done, you've upset her again!

Can't you see she's got bad nerves?

SHE WHIMPERS

HE SIGHS

You look like you need that.

Tough morning?

HE SCOFFS Well, I haven't really

had a chance to do anything yet.

People are a little inflexible round here.

Yeah. THEY CHUCKLE

Would you care to join me?

Yeah.

Ballroom Follies?

Yes, I do enjoy a dance.

Gets the creaky old joints moving.

Oh, that's lovely.

How long have you been dancing?

Oh, about three years now.

Since my husband died.

HE SMACKS LIPS Oh.

Well, that's sweet.

It must be a real comfort to know

that you'll always have those memories,

no matter what happens...

Bitch!

Sorry?

Look! That Carol Davies.

I knew she'd do this.

I showed her my new ballgown,

and she goes straight out and buys the same one.

Might be a coincidence, no?

Don't be so fucking naive.

I've planned for this.

Second dress!

Mm.

Right, I'm going to need your help.

Come to the ladies'.

What?

I need you to stop people coming in.

No, no, no, I don't want to get involved.

Oh, it's too late for that now.

Cover me.

Erm... Cover me.

Oh, I'm so sorry, they're out of action at the moment, so...

Are you having a problem, Carol?

He's blocking the way!

Good God, man, interfering with the ladies' toilets now.

Do we need to add Peeping Tom to your CV?

Hey?! He pretended to be disabled to get a blue badge.

I didn't, Carol.

And I was asked to stand here!

Where's Margaret? This is a committee job.

We can't have a sexual deviant blocking the toilets.

All right. Go in.

What do I care!

SCREAMING

What the hell?

He's exposed her!

On purpose!

Twisted pervert! Call a committee meeting.

HE COUGHS

Oh! You've set his lungs off now.

Oh, the committee will hear about this!

Lovely dress, Carol.

Really suits you.

Help me do up the back, would you?

Well, you really have caused a stir.

I may be able to help you.

Would you mind picking Artist Of The Week?

I don't know whether I should.

It would really help curry favour with the committee.

Argh!

Oh, very mysterious coming out of the smoke there.

Quite regal.

Ah. Oh, yeah. Mm, colours. Nice.

Oh, so funny. Funny face.

Lovely, really nice.

Oh, my God!

Problem?

Are you Christine?

I am.

I thought so.

How did you know that? Hmm?

Oh, just people have been talking about your portrait

and I can see why. It's...

It's very interesting.

I-I-In what way?

Hmm? SHE CHUCKLES

Because of the...

..hands?

Oh. Yes.

I understand that they're hard to do, aren't they?

Hands, are they...

They are.

Christine has been working very hard.

I think she wants to know

what's unique about her painting.

Well....

Away, man, say it!

HE HESITATES

Mm.

Well, it's got a big old nob.

ALL GASP

Oh! SHE BURBLES

I thought that's what you meant, no?

What the hell is wrong with you?

What's wrong with ME?

Saying a painting of a dead man

had a big.....penis.

She did give him a big penis!

You saw she gave him a big penis!

Everyone saw she gave him a big penis.

Yeah, well, they want you to attend the committee hearing now.

What?!

Multiple offences.

Multiple.

No.

I've just been here trying to do my job.

I'm not going to attend some jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court!

They're connected.

Letters will have gone out to Hunniford, Rippon, the other one.

There'll be exposes on TV, the local press.

They've got the town MP in their pocket!

Oh, God!

HUSHED MURMURING, PHONE VIBRATES

It's my boss.

He says I've got to attend the committee meeting!

HE GASPS Snitches!

They won't stop. Ever.

Anyone in that room could be the murderer.

Will you just leave me alone?

You've got me in enough trouble!

Christine Kenyon was a viable suspect.

You saw the painting.

They were clearly lovers!

One last kiss.

CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC PLAYS

Why a last kiss, my love?

I won't share you, Bill.

If I can't have you, no-one will.

BILL YELLS

Frank - him and Bill had historical beef going back years.

Mostly cucumber-based, of course.

Well, you're putting something on them, man! It's unnatural.

You think I'd illegally feed cucumbers to win a competition?

Oh, Frank, this is madness.

I'll show you madness.

BILL YELLS

Could you just stop?

Maud is an interesting fish.

Hm! Yeah.

You think Frank is in charge in that relationship?

Hmm! Think again, my friend.

All I said was, "Coughing well today, Frank."

You humiliated my man, Bill.

His lungs are bad.

He could use my blue badge.

YOU shouldn't have a blue badge!

BILL YELLS

You do realise I've stopped listening.

This way, please.

Hat off!

And also, Bill had borrowed Carol's hedge trimmers.

I think you're sick, do you know that?

I think you're sick!

OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS

It was a big knob!

OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS

And he looks like a fat...

The Suite For Jazz Orchestra No. 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich

The committee's let you stay, then?

It's ridiculous, they've put me on a...

Red card warning, yeah.

OK. Well, you know, keep the head down.

You can clean again after this last dance.

And, please, just don't upset any more of them. Yeah?

It is a nightmare, this place.

I'm never retiring. Never!

Yeah, I told you. I tried to tell you.

THUD! STRANGLED SCREAM

Oh, Jesus! Maud's fallen again.

Could be another Health and Safety Tribunal.

Ha-ha, fuck!

Tail between your legs?

I run the Ballroom Follies, too.

All right. Well, don't worry,

I'm not going near it till you've finished.

You've booked the space, I know.

No, no, it's not that.

One of our dancers is without their partner today, they're in hospital.

Wondered if you might step in for the last waltz.

Absolutely not.

No. I'm cleaning and I'm leaving.

Look, you mean well.

I saw that in the sing-along group.

I'm asking for an act of compassion. HE SIGHS

Some things are bigger than your problems, young man.

All right, one dance.

Where is she?

She?

HE SIGHS

You've had quite the day, haven't you?

I'm beginning to think this is some sort of cheese dream, to be honest.

I thought retirement was supposed to be peaceful.

This is just a load of spiteful overgrown children,

petty recriminations, murder conspiracy theories.

Pauline.

Before she discovered the centre,

Pauline spent most of her days at home in front of the telly.

HE SCOFFS

No-one murdered Bill, for God's sake!

No, but it's nice to see a fertile imagination

having a run out, isn't it?

Well...

I don't think you've quite got the measure of this place, have you?

You see Frank?

Old bad legs? Yeah.

Used to be a pilot.

Oh. And Christine over there ran an emergency ward for 30 years.

You get my point?

I'm afraid I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.

Where does all that energy go?

Where's that sense of purpose?

It's here, in this wonderful, wonderful place.

Then why does everyone seem so unhappy?

MUFFLED CHATTER

Oh, look again.

INAUDIBLE

You know, you're a terrible dancer.

But I wish I'd given you a whirl around myself.

Best not.

I'm a pervert.

Who says I'm not?

Oh.

BUSY CHATTER

OVERLAPPING COMPLAINTS

HE SIGHS

Argh!

Fair enough.

Rules are rules.

See you now. Bye.

It's ridiculous.

It should be in the budget!

Blu-Tack for mucky fingers will have to come from your subscription.

Well, I think our fees for the space should cover more than that,

thank you very much! Bill, I have a lot on...

Does the committee know about this?

I think the committee would be very interested

in where that money is going.

You're not suggesting...

And people have noticed you running around

in a rather nice NEW Citroen Saxo.

How dare you!

SHE GRUNTS, HE YELLS

Oh! THUD!

Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kitbag And Smile, Smile, Smile by George Powell & Felix Powell

in your old kitbag

to light your fag

in your old kitbag