Original subtitles

VAN DOOR SHUTS

All right?

You're a big lad.

Thank you?

What are you up to? I'm here to clean.

Come on, be serious.

I'm a crime scene cleaner.

Crime scene?

Oh, for the, uh, shepherd's hut.

Some poor lad tried to do himself in.

Oh, no! It wasn't a shotgun, was it?

Not being insensitive, you know, but they're a bit

"Pfff! Pfff! Speurgh!"

You know. Messy.

I think it was pills. Yeah, he's all right.

He's in the hospital now, apparently.

But, uh, it's a right old mess in there.

Honk and plop.

Honk and plop? Honk and plop all over the shop.

It's like a bloody pig pen.

Well, I'm a blood spatter specialist.

I don't get called out for honk and plop. By the way,

"honk and plop" is not a phrase.

Well, you'd better get to work.

She wants it rented out at all times.

Have you, uh...

Have you seen her yet?

Who? Lara. The owner.

What do you mean?

She is a prime slice of marbled totty. Right.

Nice, is she? Oh, the curves on her.

She's like Jessica Rabbit, but not a rabbit.

She's like...

..the Cadbury's rabbit.

Is she a rabbit? No, but I bet she bloody goes like one.

She has got the lot - face,

boobies, and a bum like a peach

plucked from the branch in Provence.

A ripe peach. Overripe, if anything. Messy...

All right. OK, I get it. She's a messy rabbit.

She's a messy rabbit, all right!

I'm telling you, if I got the green light,

I'd be at her like a bloody sewing machine.

Ooh, yeah.

Ooh! Ooh!

Hey. Hey!

Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I heard you the first time. She's a messy rabbit.

Who's a messy rabbit?

Oh. No, sorry.

He was just saying that, um...

Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee!

Sorry. I'm looking for the owner.

I'm the owner. No, but you're, um...

Are you? It's just he said you were, but you're...

Are you trying to say pregnant?

Yes, you are. Obviously!

One doesn't like to assume.

You thought I might just be fat? You're not fat.

No, I'm... Yes. With child.

I didn't ride to a stable on a fucking donkey.

Do you struggle with the word "pregnant"? No.

Say it, then. Preg-nont?

Oh. Oh. Fair play. That did sound weird.

The shepherd's hut's over there.

I need it cleaned by tonight.

Do you need anything?

I'll have a cuppa if you're offering. I'm not. Oh. Too busy.

OK.

I haven't been over yet. Is it messy rabbit?

Is it messy?

Well, it needs cleaning. But you're a cleaner, aren't you?

Crime scene cleaner. So a cleaner.

How is he? The guy in hospital.

How should I know?!

5pm, please.

Cake? Huh?

The missus made it, so it's probably poisoned.

You made a swift exit. I told you, didn't I?

What a filly, eh?

Bold as brass and twice as bouncy.

Why didn't you tell me she was preg-nont? Pregnant.

Hey. Absolute fun house, though, isn't she?

I don't know. I don't think she liked me. She was quite cold.

I know.

That's what drives me crazy.

I sometimes mow the lawn badly on purpose.

Little does she know, while she's giving me that disapproving

look, I'm like a bloody pine tree downstairs.

I've got two heavy baubles.

Tinsel weaving... Enough.

Have a bit of respect. The woman's having a baby.

Don't worry. She's single.

You can still get in there.

I don't want to get in anywhere, apart from in this shepherd's hut.

I think she's given me the wrong key.

It sounds daft, but I'm a bit scared to tell her I can't get in.

Oh, pull yourself together, lad.

I'll tell her I need some water, and then I'll have a look for a key

when I'm in there. Uh!

Hey. She didn't even have a bloke, you know.

Turkey baster job.

What? Well, she's knocking on, isn't she?

She wanted a little 'un, so she got hold of some special boy sauce

and... HE SLURPS

"Beep, beep!

Lucky baster, I say.

My God, what I wouldn't do to have half an hour with my socks

off bouncing around that castle.

Do you ever do any gardening, or are you too busy just writing

in to Razzles' readers' wives section?

Come on, big lad.

She's ripe for the taking.

Too old to have a bun in the oven.

She'll consider owt.

You're not an ugly lad. From the right angle.

It's none of my business what she does. All right?

And I don't want to star in your rural Carry On film

about some woman who's had to use a turkey baster

because she's too old to be a mum.

I what?!

Oh. No.

He was just because of the, um...

Because...

HE HISSES

The...

Johannes, you are incompetent.

No. You had your chance to reassure them.

Now I am going to have to go to Munich in person.

No, I don't want you to go.

I want you to charter me a jet.

Can you manage that?

Careful. There's a knack to...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

We'll talk about this in your review. Hey!

WATER DRAINS

Did you get your water OK?

There's something wrong with your plumbing.

Well, I mean, not your plumbing, obviously.

That's fine.

And we're back on my pregnancy again.

Yes, and on that,

I did not say that out there. That was your gardener.

So... Donald is mourning the death of his wife of 40 years.

Is he? Yes. He tends to be

fighting back tears most of the time.

So perhaps rather than using an old man's pain as an excuse

for your opinions, you should...

I don't think you're too old to be a mum.

Don't you? No! I like old mums.

Old... OLDER mums.

Nice. Nice mature mummies.

That's wrong. That sounds like one of Weasel's films.

He shouldn't sell them down the market. They're illegal.

I have a flight to pack for.

You have your water.

Hang on. You can't fly.

Why shouldn't I?

You don't want to give birth mid-air like a crow, do you?

Is that it? Nah, it'd be nests, would it?

My God.

Oh. A van in your drive.

Yes. It's paint for the nursery. Decorators.

No, it's a delivery.

I'm painting my nursery.

Are you?! Yes. I'm pregnant.

I'm not ill.

Nice. What colour are you going for?

Oh.

I see.

Oh, the...the key?

PHONE BUZZES

Um...

Your phone is...

Sorry, your-your phone's going.

Hello? Lara.

Oh, no. Sorry. She's not here at the moment.

Who's that? Oh, I'm just doing a little bit of work here. Right.

I've heard about this dreadful business in the shepherd's hut.

How is she?

She seems fine. Well, she's not.

She's in shock, and in her condition that is very serious.

Hot, sweet tea.

Sorry? Make her a cup of hot, sweet tea.

I will be over shortly.

Oh, no.

Listen, I don't think I should do that.

You boys will never have to endure the horrors of childbirth.

And that is as nature intended. But your role is vital.

If I arrive at that house and my daughter is not sitting

in a chair with a cup of hot, sweet tea, I shall

be extremely disappointed.

Tell her Mummy is coming.

Yeah, but...

LINE GOES DEAD

Mummy's coming.

Tea break, is it? What the fuck?

Oh.

HE LAUGHS

Sorry. No, this is for you. Hot, sweet tea.

I don't want a tea. Really?

She was quite insistent. Who was? Your mum.

My mum's here? No, I just spoke to her on the phone.

What, you answered my phone?

Why would you answer my phone?

Oh, well, you weren't around. And...

Anyway, she's coming over.

I don't want her to come over. I'm going out.

I could call her back. No.

I want you to clean my shepherd's hut.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

I'm not upset. I'm angry.

You do understand the difference.

Yes.

Now...

..you listen to me.

No.

Sorry.

I thought we were playing Belly, Belly, Poke, Poke.

Since you've been here, you have inappropriately commented

on my looks, age, fertility and means of conception.

You've interfered in my travel plans, made judgments about them,

and patronised me by doing jobs you were not asked to do.

You've helped yourself to the contents of my kitchen cupboards,

answered a call on my personal phone and, even as we speak,

are being paid for a job you have not started!

I haven't included gender-profiling my unborn child

just to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I haven't said anything about your unborn kid.

"What colour will the nursery be?"

HE GASPS

SHE SCOFFS

What am I going to say to your mum?

Tell her I've gone to get my hair done.

She'll like that.

And do not tell her about my flight.

Do you understand?

SHE SCOFFS

Oh.

Fired her up a treat there, didn't you?

All I did was make her a cup of tea and told her her mum

was coming round. What are the rules here?

Her mum?! You jammy bastard.

How'd you get two of them on the go? What?!

Mother and daughter.

Bit of sweet and sour on a Friday never did anyone any harm.

Hey, she scrubs up all right

for an old bird, you know. Like smoked pheasant.

Gamey, but rich in flavour.

SINISTER LAUGHTER

I need to get into that hut.

Oh, don't worry about that.

No, you've got enough on your plate, you old horn bag.

Save your energy.

Can you go away?

It was you that got me into all this shit.

You're the one doing the mother-daughter double.

Oh, is that going spare?

I'm not doing anyone.

I need to work.

Hey, what's all that about your wife being dead?

Oh, well, I just said that in case I was in with a shout.

I didn't bank on you coming round,

going through the whole family like a threshing machine.

Bloody hell, lad. Did you put salt in this?

Argh!

How's it possible to hate a door?

Hello.

Ah. Was it you I spoke to on the phone?

Yes. She's not in at the moment.

She's just popped out to have her hair done.

Good God. What for?

She said you'd like it.

Have you ever seen what childbirth does to a vagina?

No. Mine looked like a pack of hyaenas had been at it.

What do you make of that?

Look at me.

Look at me.

I said, what do you make of that?

I don't like it.

No, I mean, the last thing I was concerned

about when I was split asunder was how nice my hair looked.

But that's Lara for you. Warped priorities.

Right. You crack on with the nursery, and I will go and make that

kitchen fit for the arrival of a child.

Chop, chop!

Told you. Hot sex mutton.

As I expected, the place is a petri dish of germs.

The girl has no idea what's about to hit her.

If you're taking a break from the nursery,

you can help me here.

No, sorry. I should have said, actually.

I'm here to clean the shepherd's hut.

You're all wet.

Oh, yeah. I had a little accident.

Right. Get those clothes off.

Oh, no, I don't think I should do that.

Well, you're no good to me damp, man. We have things to do.

We'll put those in the tumble dryer, then come up with a plan.

No! Sorry.

No.

Absolutely not.

Yes, bought some sperm,

the way I'd throw a punnet of grapes in a trolley.

I said to her, "Enjoy raising a serial killer's baby."

Are my clothes dry yet?

Oh, I mean, when I think of the life that girl could have had.

Is it any wonder he tried to take his own life?

Replaced by a science experiment.

Who? Did she not tell you

who the man in the shepherd's hut was?

He was her ex-husband.

No way! Who can blame him?

I mean, what role have you boys got left?

Being male is toxic these days.

A man putting together a flat-pack wardrobe for a lady is the modern

day equivalent of a flasher.

And was flashing so terrible?

I mean, if you want to show me your privates, go ahead.

I'll pass judgment and we can both get on with our days.

No, thank you.

Look, can I go back to the hut?

She really was quite adamant, you know.

Oh, she always was. Always had an opinion.

Caused chaos at her Brownie pack, insisting they should be allowed

to wear trousers. Right. Well, that's good, isn't it?

Is it? Is a nine-year-old girl going on hunger strike good?

Yeah. OK. Fair point.

Look, I know you're worried about her, but honestly,

she really does seem very organised, you know?

Do you think? That poor little mite.

Not even a nursery to pop its little head down in.

No, I think she's got it all worked out.

I think when she gets back from Munich, she'll, um...

Munich?

Um...

Please. Not my passport.

She can't fly. She's 37 weeks pregnant.

If you think I'm going to allow my granddaughter to be born mid-air

like a crow, you've got another think coming.

I've googled this and they 100% use nests.

What my daughter needs now is a man, so be a man.

Do you really think it's a good idea jetting off to another country

when the life you are bringing into the world doesn't even

have a bed to lay in, let alone the hirsute arms and well-built body

of a father?

You may have been made a eunuch by the woke brigade.

Some of us still have balls!

Please!

Wait!

I'm scared of her!

You're a bloody animal, lad!

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah?!

Oh!

Be a man.

What is man?

What would man do?

The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss II

Now, before you say anything, let me explain.

I didn't do this because I thought you couldn't.

Of course you could.

I did this because I was here.

I know, as I'm sure you know, no man or wu-man is an island.

It takes a community to bring a life into the world.

Well, for me, it was just about being part of that community.

Just for a little while.

This isn't the nursery.

Hmm?

This is the laundry room.

Why would I have the nursery so far from my bedroom...

..in the laundry room?

Yeah, that doesn't make sense at all, actually, does it?

And what the fuck is that?

It's a gender-neutral bear.

I have a flight to catch in one hour, and now I have two

rooms to paint.

Thank you.

And why are you wearing my dressing gown?

Huh?

Look at me.

Look at me.

Why are you wearing my dressing gown?

I got cold.

I don't know where you get the energy from, lad.

You must be gobbling vitamins like a hungry hippo.

Get away from me, you twisted pervert!

Oh, ey up, her comes your missus.

She must have heard about you and her mum. Ooh!

Where is it?

Huh? My passport. Where is it?

I haven't got it. Well, it's gone.

And you're the only person who knows I'm flying.

Look, I don't know anything about it, all right?

I just want to get on with my job.

Thought you'd make an executive decision, did you?

Where is it?

I've got no ideaaaa!

Yeah!

The strength!

It's unholy.

On...your...knees.

Argh! Yeah!

My passport!

Where is it?!

I haven't got it.

HE WAILS

It's your mum.

She took it.

I told her about the flight. You did what?

I know about your ex. She told me.

It's a lot for you to take on.

It wasn't your fault.

I think he was just overwhelmed.

I think he just wanted to be a father.

That's what she told you?

He's a loser.

But he tried to take his own life.

He didn't try to take his life.

He just turned up pissed - as usual.

We split up ten years ago.

He just took a bottle of whisky to the shepherd's hut

and locked himself in.

It is typical of my mum to romanticise things

and, it seems, you to believe it.

Yeah. I've had a bad run of judgment lately, I'll admit that.

I'm going to pack. Clean...my...hut.

I can't get in!

For fuck's sake!

Bloody hell!

There's a knack to it.

Seriously?

FLIES BUZZ

Oh, my God.

What?

HE RETCHES

It's just it's so much worse than he said it was.

I clean up blood and guts every day, but I just...

I can't stand...

Honk and plop?

So it is a phrase.

HE RETCHES

Pass me the mop.

Oh, no. I couldn't let you. Just give it to me.

HE RETCHES

leave behind

about her

of mine

Good. OK. Now, what you need to be...

him all to myself

I was out having fun

I had done

Sorry.

He'd have been really impressed if it was blood.

Not bad. Thank you.

Oh!

Now what?

I'm going to miss my bloody flight.

I'm amazed your gardener hasn't popped up yet.

He'll have gone home.

He's not been himself since his wife passed.

He seemed devastated.

He really was.

Well, there you go.

You can never meet a partner. Or you can meet one and they die.

Either way, you're on your own.

Bloody hell. Cheer up.

If it's that bleak, why are you having a kid anyway?

Mainly because I've had a good time.

I've picked rubbish men.

But I've really enjoyed knocking about on this planet.

I thought I might be a good coach to a little one.

You really will be.

Not that you asked my opinion.

But, come on.

I mean, partner or not, no-one can do it all by themselves, can they?

Oh, you might be right.

But you and I have a bigger problem on our hands right now.

Hey?

My waters have broken.

Oh, fuck.

I thought you said you'd be OK with blood. Oh, f...

Sh!

I can't fit through there!

No.

You can't. And nor can you.

If a crow can give birth mid-air, or in a nest, I can get

through that skylight. Enough about crows.

A man with your belly cannot fit through that skylight.

What do you think I do at the beach?

HE INHALES DEEPLY

I hold it in.

SHE SCREAMS

Yeah!

HE GROANS

HE SCREAMS

HE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

Ah!

SHE SCREAMS

I'm free!

I'm a man!

Get stuck in there, lad.

Don't worry. We can do this...together.

I've had it.

Hey? The baby. I've had it.

BABY CRIES

Oh, yeah!

Ah! Well done.

Help me, then!

Yes.

BABY COOS

That is safe?

It's water.

I do know what I'm doing sometimes, you know.

Come on, you.

We're going to be OK, aren't we?

Of course you are.

I was talking to the baby. Yeah.

We're going to sleep in the nursery tonight...

..with the gender-neutral bear.

Are you?

Are we fuck?!

Darling?!

I rang her. Wrestle me if you want.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, darling, she's beautiful!

He, Mum. HE'S beautiful.

Have you fed him yet? Oh, that's not how you hold him.

Come here. Let Nanny show you.

I'm managing.

And you did it all without gas and air.

Oh, was it very painful?

Horrendous. That's my girl!

Ooh!

Hey, talk me through it, then.

Bet you had a right eyeful.

Oh, hello, love.

What are you doing here? Looking for you.

I didn't want to just leave you a note.

I'm leaving you.

What?

No. Y-y-you can't.

I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.

Donald, I have needs.

It's not your fault you can't...

But I have needs!

Damn you, little Donald!

Damn you!!!

Do you wish we'd had kids?

Hmm?

Do you wish you and me had had kids?

No. One's enough, babe.

Yeah.

Too much honk and plop, innit?