Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

What's this for? Huh? This trophy? What's it for?

100m.

You can't run.

Yeah. And you're like a whippet, aren't you?

You haven't even got legs.

You just strap shoes to your torso stumps.

There's a bloody football award here!

You've got a foot like a 50p piece.

Oh, have I?

What is this?

Whoa! Don't.

Because that is a work of art.

Yeah, but what is it?

It's a key ring holder.

I made it in Year 10.

Were you recovering from a car accident at the time?

I don't even know which way up it goes.

Do you not? Well, I'll show you which way up it goes.

It goes that way up.

You can pop your keys to my flat on it

on your way out, if you like.

If you can reach.

Oh, you knob.

Oh, you're the knob.

And I'll see you later.

See you.

Love you!

That is too much house.

Bloody hell!

Hello.

Hello there.

Are your parents about?

My dad's here somewhere.

Oh, right. I'm the crime scene cleaner.

We don't just do murders.

We do accidents as well.

We DO do murders, though.

I'm so pleased you're here.

I'm designing a get well soon card for the removal man who got hurt

when the piano fell on him.

Who made you do that, your dad?

Accidents happen, right? Get over it.

They think he might lose a hand.

No, that...that is bad.

He does need hands.

WOLF WHISTLES

What a beast!

Yeah.

It's nice, isn't it?

Are you here to clean up the, um... You know.

Yep.

A working man called in by a rich man to clean up the blood

of a working man.

It was ever thus, my friend.

It was ever thus.

That's a terrible accident.

Oh, yeah.

Some rich guy had to have a piano moved upstairs

in his mansion accidentally.

And where is he now? On the golf course.

And where's his son?

Bunking off.

Safe in the knowledge he'll inherit all this.

Well, it is half-term.

Mm. Yeah.

How long you worked here?

Got you washing cars and baby-sitting, have they?

Minimum wage?

Jackpot.

Ah!

Um... Sorry.

You seem to be a little bit confused.

Err...

This is my house, and, um, Danny's my son.

He's on half-term.

Ahh...

Ah, yeah. Sorry.

My girlfriend was taking the mickey out of me this morning.

She unsettled me.

Oh, my God!

What?! Wicky.

Paul Wickstead!

Justin!

What is it? 30 years?

40! Yeah, 40.

That's incredible, huh?!

Hang on a minute.

This is your gaff?

Yeah.

Well, come on, I'll give you the tour.

Yeah!

So we just moved in.

This is the kitchen-diner.

Sorry it's such a mess. LAUGHS

Reception room.

Another reception room.

Don't really know what to do with this one.

I'd probably put one of those football tables in it.

Games room/bar.

Yeah!

The nook.

The nook!

And, yeah, another bedroom.

God, how many is that now?

Eight.

It's eight. Right. It's eight. Yeah.

Yeah!

And of course, err...

Yeah. The swimming pool.

Yeah.

OK.

Yeah...

Yeah, I really loved London.

But, you know, it just gets to that stage in life, doesn't it,

where you just want to come home?

I remember your house, mate.

This isn't, "coming home."

Yeah, it is a little bit more spacious

than the ones on Station Road.

But... Where are you living now?

Station Road.

Oh, yeah.

That's, err... Lovely houses.

I'm in a flat.

Yes.

That's lovely.

How did you get all this?

Do you know what? I just got lucky.

You know, I made some investments in the early '90s

and it just kind of blew up from there.

Yeah.

Can I have a Sprite?

Oh, I haven't got any in, love.

But tell you what.

You go down the shops, I'll give you some money.

Lucky boy.

I used to have to do chores for my pocket money.

Me, too.

Yeah, Danny works for Age Concern in his spare time.

I pay him for the time it takes.

Ah. Tax splashback?

Mm... No.

Well done.

It's awful that older people live alone.

I sometimes have tea with them.

Oh, well, don't feed them any of your Sprite.

It'll puff their bladders up like a frog's throat.

Go on.

He's a lovely boy.

Oh, he is. Weirdly so.

Yeah.

Now, listen, mate, I would love to spend the morning catching up,

but I've actually got a photographer coming over to do

quite an embarrassing, "local boy made good" piece in the paper later.

So, um...

So you'd like the worker to get on. I understand.

"Yes, understood, mate.

"Begging your pardon, sir. I'll crack on."

No, no, no, I was going to say, I could help you and we could keep

on chatting and we'd get it done twice as quick.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Cool!

Must be strange cleaning up blood all day.

Ah, I like it.

Feels like you're making a difference, you know,

helping people to forget bad things.

That's lovely.

I suppose I just like giving back.

That is so important.

That's exactly why we set up the

charitable wing of the company.

Yeah. That balcony's knackered, you know.

You won't be able to have your photo love-in up there.

Oh, God, I know.

I've been trying to find a carpenter to fix it, but I just...

I just don't know where to start.

Dicky Daw!

Do you remember him from school? He's a carpenter.

He drinks down the Horse with me.

Yes!

Dicky! Do you think he'd have time?

Are you joking? He hasn't worked since lockdown.

He's a total loser.

You'd be doing him a favour.

He was such a good lad.

Yeah, well, manage your expectations.

He's not taken it easy on the beers over the years...

..or the pies. And he's divorced.

I'll give him a ring.

I'll pay him double time.

No need for that, mate.

He'll be grateful for the work, trust me.

I've just got to call the wife, OK? Yeah.

Dicky, it's me.

Listen, you're not going to believe this.

I'm down at Justin Chapple's new gaff.

And somehow he's loaded now.

Listen, he's got a job for you. Get your tools. Come down.

Do your best to look pleased for him.

Well, come down first and see if you are pleased for him

before you say you're going to be pleased for him.

Dicky, just get your tools and come down!

Hey, Dicky!

Hey! Hey, Dicky!

How are you?

This place is mental, mate.

I knew you'd be the one.

I knew you'd crack it.

Yeah. Some people get all the luck, don't they?

Well, it's nothing to do with luck.

He always had the gift, this one.

So proud of you, lad.

Ahh... You look exactly the same.

What? In a Hall of Mirrors, maybe.

Hey, I've given Marnie a ring.

She's going to come down and say hello.

Marnie Price?

I would love to see her!

Is she still...?

Singing? Yeah. For a living now.

Oh, I am so pleased.

She had such a wonderful voice.

Oh, she's singing, is she?

Last I heard, she was working down Ladbrokes, lads, come on.

Hey. I nearly got the whole gang back together.

What are we doing, then?

Oh, well, it's just the banister upstairs.

Look, I'm so pleased you can do this.

I'm willing to pay.

Mate's rates for you, Justin.

Let's have a look. I'll show you.

Hey, hey, hey. Just with the job, lower your expectations a bit.

He's been on the pop for a few years.

I'm sure it's going to be great.

He was always the practical one of the gang.

Hey, you remember that key holder he made in woodwork?

That was a work of bloody art, mate.

He had extra time, though, didn't he?

Because of his dyslexia. Yeah.

Hello. All right?

Me and your dad used to do big burp competitions

after drinking them, you know?

Before he was a big, fancy businessman.

Oh, we still do big burp contests now.

HORN BEEPS Someone else is here.

Such a wicked day!

You and I could have a big burp contest later, if you like.

Yeah, whatever.

Wicky!

Bloody hell, Marn, you having a breakdown?

Eh?

What the hell's all this?

Oh, I'm a P?nk impersonator.

You're a P!nk impersonator?

No. P?nk.

What?

P?nk.

Oh, I'm not allowed to use her exclamation mark

because of copyright.

So I'm not P!nk.

I'm P?nk.

All right. OK.

Come on.

The others have got to see this.

I'll pop back tomorrow with a lathe

and run off some new spindles for you. No bother.

You know wood so well.

He's a wood wizard!

Yeah, never mind that.

Wait till you see the state of this.

You're going to piss yourselves!

Wow, this is amazing!

What a house!

Oh, I love this. It's like an installation.

Dicky! Marnie!

Oh, Jus! Ohh...

You look awesome!

Oh! What is going on today?

Can you believe this place?

You cracked it. The boy cracked it.

I knew you would. We always said he would.

We did, did we? We did?

Oh, where's your loo?

Or is it too posh for me to have a piss in?

No. It's fine. It's just through there.

Oh, so great to see you, Marnie.

Oh, she looks amazing.

She looks insane.

And she's doing well. She plays all the cruises.

Oh, right. It's not Wembley, is it?

And get this...

She calls herself P?nk.

Yeah, well, I mean, that's probably just the exclamation mark, isn't it?

Copyright, isn't it?

Copyright. Yeah, exactly.

I knew she'd get there.

Such a beautiful voice.

Voice of an angel.

Has she got there?

Where's she got, lads?

She's living the dream.

She's a P!nk impersonator on a boat.

Ah! P?nk.

Yeah, whatever.

P?nk!

to never ask why

doesn't mean you're gonna die

Incredible.

It was so beautiful.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Guys, we've got to celebrate this reunion.

I've got some champagne in the kitchen.

Bloody hell! Champagne?

Let's go! Yeah. Yeah.

Champagne!

Woohoo!

I don't even like champagne.

What's Gavin doing?

Well, last I heard, he was in prison.

Big shock, eh?

Signs were there, I guess.

I mean, he was always outside the head's office.

Gavin Hardy? He got done for embezzlement, mate,

not nicking from the bloody tuckshop.

Well, it just shows you people never really change, do they?

Some people change. Quite a lot, actually.

Well, you haven't.

What? Yeah, we all knew how you'd turn out.

Do you know, I was always jealous of you.

You were always happy with the little things.

As long as you'd got a pizza at break time,

that was all you needed.

He's like that with beer now.

Yeah, well, I never got a break, did I?

Cos some people got all the luck and gobbled it down like a luck pie.

How did you make your money, Just?

Well, Wicky's not far off the mark, actually.

Um, I did get lucky, but, um, it's actually mad.

It involves you guys and a crime.

Do you remember that record shop we used to go to?

Old Tom's Rare Grooves. He's still there.

He is.

Do you remember, we used to distract him and then nick the albums?

Yeah. Half my record collection got nicked from that shop.

Once I nicked a Bowie album from under his limited edition counter.

And then years later, I found it in the loft.

Blow me if it wasn't worth 30 grand.

No way. What?! Yes, yes.

I mean, that's all the capital we needed to start,

and it just sort of blew up from there.

It's insane, isn't it? Insane.

Oh, my God.

What?

I stole that album.

Hey?

I did. I stole it. Bloody Ziggy Stardust.

I knew it. I knew you'd stolen all the luck.

Nah, I think you'll find I stole it.

No, I did, Justin, I stole it, and now you're loaded.

Oh, this stings. This stings real bad.

Well, he invested it wisely.

You'd have just bought a load of cans of lager.

No, this is a scandal.

This is our Watergate.

And where's Nixon? Has he resigned?

No. He's bought himself a mansion

and everyone is kissing Richard Nixon's ass.

What does he mean, Dad?

Oh, well, um, he thinks he stole a Bowie album when he was 12,

and he's cross because I'm correcting him

because I stole it.

Why are you cross about that?

You're like 60. Oh!

LAUGHTER I'm 55, you little rat.

Whoa! All right, all right.

Well...

BUZZING Oh! Simey!

Oh! Simey?

Yeah. Simon Stevens, the Robert Redford of the gang.

Marnie looked him up on the socials.

Come on.

Well, this is bloody outrageous.

Mate.

What's wrong with you?

Why can't you all see what's happening here?

The guy got loaded off my actions.

You seem like you're sulking because a mate has done well.

It's not like you, Wicky.

It's not fair, is it?

Life isn't fair.

Well, come on, let's go and see Simey.

Oh, yeah. Cos that's what we all need, isn't it?

The coolest kid in school coming in.

I mean, why don't I just pull my trousers and pants down

in front of you all?

Come on, let's go and see Simey.

He was so cool.

He's probably on a horse or something.

I've just opened the gate for Simey.

He'll probably ride in on a horse or something.

That's what I just said!

Oh, he'll definitely be on horseback.

DICKY LAUGHS

Hello, gang.

Simey.

It looks like you've been through the wars there, mate.

I've had a bad few years.

Emphysema.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, Simey.

You really have been struggling, mate.

Life can be hard. I think...

I think we all see that now.

Honestly, it's been the making of me.

Fuckin' 'ell.

I used to be so vain, prioritising the wrong things.

Since the diagnosis, I've really started to live.

And I paint now, and they're selling too.

Oh, my God. Simey, it's brilliant.

It's so moving.

Are you shitting me?

You've found yourself, lad.

You've found the real you. Thanks.

Guys, I've just had the most mad idea.

The photographer's not getting here for another hour.

Why don't we go into town, get some chips at Mick's Place,

like old times? Yeah! My shout, obviously.

God knows he's got the money!

THEY LAUGH

Wicky?

No. No, thanks. I've got a job to do.

I don't need your chip charity.

Come on, Wicky, you're nearly finished.

Yeah. Come on, you misery guts.

It's only a bit of mopping up anyway.

I'll do it for you later.

Even I can mop up.

And he's on a mobility scooter!

THEY LAUGH

HE COUGHS

Danny! Come on.

We're getting chips. Wicked!

Yeah. Come on, little man.

Come on, let's go get some chips!

Yay!

MOBILITY SCOOTER BEEPS

Let's go.

Change by The Lightning Seeds

Oh, my God!

It's still there.

How can that still be there after 40 years?

Hey, when I build something, it lasts.

It really does, mate. Look at that craftsmanship.

He was always about quality, that lad.

Go on, Danny! Go on.

Remember how high Simey used to get?

You did, Simey. I always used to think you were going to take off.

I don't think it'd take the weight of the scooter nowadays.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, I used to get well high as well, didn't I?

Which is mad because I'm already high enough, aren't I?

Being so tall and that.

God...

Wicky, you never went on it once.

What? I did. I used to get well high. Higher than him.

You didn't mate. You didn't.

It's good to be cautious.

Pussy.

THEY LAUGH

Come on, Danny.

Best day ever!

You remember when you got picked for the football team?

Yeah. That was good, though, wasn't it?

Yeah. That was good.

Is that him?

It can't be the same bloke.

It's him. It's old Tom of Old Tom's Rare Grooves.

Bloody hell. It is. He must be 200!

The shop that started the empire, right?

You're not going to grass me up, are you, Simey?

THEY LAUGH

WICKY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

For what? For not stealing a record.

Oh, don't start this again.

Come on, Wicky. You were never going to nick it.

What? Why?

Well, you always, you know, you played it safe.

I-I...

I played it safe? Mm. Are you joking?

Then why did they call me Risky Business at school?

No-one called you Risky Business at school.

You tried to get us to call you Risky Business.

Yeah, but you always played it safe.

That's why you ended up...

Nothing wrong with that.

I mean, this whole country is built on working folk.

Good, honest... Unskilled labourers.

One of the country's heroes.

Along with the binmen.

There's no shame in a total lack of ambition, Wicky.

Viva, the workforce!

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, you with me. Me? Yeah. Come on.

I need you to distract Old Tom.

Oh, come on, Wicky, you can't do that. Why not?

I've done it before, and it would appear that I need to make a point.

Danny. Dad, it feels wrong.

Did you just say, "It feels wrong?" The irony.

Alanis Morissette would be physically sick if she heard you say

that, young man. Who? I'll tell you what's wrong.

Him building an empire off of my light fingers.

Let's go.

Go with him, son. There won't be any crime today.

I just need someone to keep an eye on him.

Don't do this, Wicky!

You shut your trap, son!

Get your oxygen mask on!

We're off on a high-octane ride.

Danny!

Woo!

OLD TOM COUGHS

Right, listen up.

The old man's deaf as a post, but his eyesight is that of a hawk.

You distract him with the Madness poster, I'll get the record.

I don't think it's right to steal from an old man.

I'll tell you what's not right, son.

A six-foot-eight man roundhousing a child.

But there's a good chance it's going to happen.

I'll do it. But not because you threatened me.

Because I think you're feeling sad.

And I want to help you feel happy.

Right, I don't know what's wrong with you, son,

but I'll tell you this.

You go through life being thoughtful all the time,

you're going to make a lot of enemies.

Can I help you two young lads?

Could I have a look at that Madness poster behind you, please?

Certainly, young man.

You're very young to be into Madness, young man.

What's your favourite song?

Baggy Trousers?

House Of Fun?

Oh, I don't know Madness, sir.

I'm just distracting you so my father's friend

can steal a record.

WICKY GASPS

Et tu, Danny?

You didn't say to lie.

Lying isn't healthy.

Seriously, son, what's wrong with you?

Put that record back.

Eat it, Grandad!

Danny, run!

I think he's sad because his life didn't go very well.

My dad will pay for the record. Don't worry.

There'll be no need of that, young man.

Who's playing it safe now?!

Risky Business is back, baby!

Oi!

In The City by The Jam

things I wanna say to you

you make me look a fool

faces all shining bright

are under 25

So I've heard vinyl's back, is it?

One for me.

And one for you.

We'll take over from here.

All right. You got my record?

Yeah.

What is wrong with you? Sorry.

Stealing a bloody record.

I just wanted to prove that I don't play it safe.

Well, you're lucky he's not pressing charges. Is he not?

No. No, he said, they're just kids.

Wicky...

Justin has asked us all to be in a photo for the paper.

Are you coming? The old gang back together.

Am I...?

He'd love to.

Hiya.

Hi.

I'm P?nk.

P?nk. That's right.

Oh, copyright, is it? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

WICKY SCOFFS

Where's Justin gone? We're ready here.

Counting his bloody money, probably.

I'll go and look for him.

I was going to offer to be his butler anyway.

THEY LAUGH

I'm sorry, I just don't understand why he couldn't stay another night.

I'm sorry, but it's my week.

Justin, you know this.

But surely he can stay for the photograph.

We've got to get the last train.

Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

I'll see you next week, Dad.

Claire, I just... All I'm... I know.

OK.

All right.

I am...I am getting through this.

I am, I promise you. I just...I just miss us being together, that's all.

HE SIGHS

See you soon, little man.

Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah, it was Tizer. Bloody hell.

I remember it just tasted horrible. And I'd get free chips.

All right, Jeff Bezos?

Yeah, as all right as any of us are, Paul.

They're right, you know. I wouldn't have done what you've done.

I would have wasted the money.

Maybe.

But then I never would have had the guts to steal that record.

Come on, you get in the middle.

We'll have rich boy in the middle, won't we?

THEY CHEER

THEY CHATTER ANIMATEDLY

Cheese!