Original subtitles

Hi. You from the police?

Yeah, no. Sort of.

Mm, your mates left about two hours ago.

Oh, yeah, I always come after them. I've...

Oh, my God. What?

Where did you get that T-shirt? It's so cool.

I don't know, I've had it years.

Mm. I thought it might be from the vintage place in town.

It looks proper '80s.

Probably is proper '80s.

I probably bought it in the proper '80s.

Shut up! You shut up.

Come on, I'll show you what happened.

Hey.

Your parents have got good taste.

That's MY car.

I know you'll never be mine,

but no-one could love you

the way I would've loved you.

What are you doing?

Oh, no, I was just, uh...

No, she's good, mate. Yeah, good as gold, that is.

Yep.

In here.

Well, you've stolen my childhood.

Oh, I'm totally obsessed with '80s stuff,

literally anything made in the '80s.

Have you seen Stranger Things?

That wasn't made in the '80s.

But you like '80s, too.

Yeah, I'm FROM the '80s.

Amazing.

Like Back To The Future?

Yes.

"Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads."

You haven't seen it, have you?

No. No.

Mm. I've got to update me socials.

You're cool to do your thing, put tape up or whatever.

Yeah, cool, whatever.

Vibe. What?

I don't know.

It just felt right to say "vibe".

Why?

What happened with, uh...?

Oh, man, this dude came round to wire in the arcade machine

and...bam!

Bam? Bam.

What's bam? It just went up.

What's a fuse?

They stop people going bam.

Thank God I was out. Blood, it makes me barf.

Hmm.

Poor guy, though, eh?

Ugh, I know. It was, like, so sad.

Yeah. I can see you're devastated.

Hi, guys!

So, today, I'm going to do a vintage haul.

I've been saving up loads of amazing stuff.

Some of it's just old, but this is actual...

I'm going to get my stuff. Oh, oh, wait.

Before you go,

are you cool if I check something with you?

Is that a tray of onions?

Mm.

I'm in shock.

Something terrible has happened and...

..I don't know what to say.

Sorry, I need a moment.

I know this is going to worry a few of you, and...

..I'm fine.

Yeah.

No, I'm not.

I can't do this now, but I'll be back in 30 minutes

to tell you how my life has changed...

..forever.

Well?

Jesus Christ.

Did it make you want to like and subscribe?

Liken subscribe?

Like and subscribe.

I don't know. Please say yeah.

I can't. I don't know what it means.

Well, say you'll like and subscribe.

I can't say like and subscribe to something

that I don't understand.

I don't know what like and subscribe is. Just say it!

One button, that's all it is. Just say it. Just say it, please.

Hosea, me, you... But what is it? ..like, subscribe.

How can I if I don't understand it? I need you on my side.

How can I agree to it? I just want you to like and subscribe!

One button. One button. Please like and subscribe.

Like and subscribe!

Thanks so much.

I can't do this now, but I'll be back in 30 minutes

to tell you how my life has changed...

..forever.

Did you buy all this stuff, then?

Oh, most of it got sent to me.

Can I play with some of it?

Sure.

I used to be able to do these.

What do you mean?

You know, do them, complete them.

I didn't know you could do them.

I thought you just switched the stickers. I can complete them.

Are you like Professor Brian Cox?

I'm exactly like Professor Brian Cox.

Ta-da!

Fuck off! You fuck off.

This is going to break the internet.

I'll DM it you.

I think there's probably already videos

of people doing a Rubik's cube online, mate.

You should upload it.

I mean, I can't, because of the big announcement.

What socials are you on?

Oh. I'm only on Facebook. I don't use that.

I keep getting death threats from this woman.

You should look her up, actually. It's funny -

the Tattooed Milf.

You should get on Insta and TikTok.

My niece is always banging on about that.

What is TikTok?

What's TikTok?

That's TikTok. Well, I do not like it.

I'm not uploading that.

I don't like any of this social media stuff.

Who wants to know how people are doing?

Chris Marner's got an Audi R8 now.

At school, he got suspended

for eating the hood off a girl's coat.

You wouldn't have to do any of this police business any more

if you got enough followers.

I'm sorry, what is your job?

I'm Home Alone Hosea!

Jesus Christ, Grandad.

Do you own a computer?

Yeah. My mate Weasel got it for me, though,

and the keyboard's confusing.

Well, look me up sometime. I will.

Do you know your name in Chinese symbols?

Catch you later.

Loving the sexy police onesie, by the way.

Rip It Up by Orange Juice

♪ When I first saw you, something stirred within me

♪ You were standing sultry in the rain

♪ If I could've held you, I would've held you

♪ Rip it up and start again

♪ Rip it up and start again

♪ Rip it up and start again

♪ I hope to God you're not as dumb as you make out

♪ I hope to God

♪ And I hope to God I'm not as numb as you make out

♪ I hope to God

♪ And when I next saw you, my heart reached out for you

♪ My arms stuck like glue to my sides... ♪

Oh, my God, what the fuck?!

Oh, dude, this is bad. What have you done?

I'm sorry, I was thirsty.

You drank that?

Those cans are 35 years old. I got them on eBay!

Never mind that. You've cleaned up all the blood.

Yeah, it's my job. You said you were the police.

No, YOU said I was the police.

Well, what are you? A crime scene cleaner.

You're a cleaner?! Crime scene.

He's just a cleaner! Who are you?

Why didn't you say you were just some cleaner?

Cos I'm not. Says he's not.

Well, he is. I'm not. What?!

What are you, dude?

I'm a crime scene cleaner!

If you clean, you're a cleaner.

And you've basically ruined my life! Well done, cleaner.

Not cool, bro.

Cool T-shirt, though.

What did I do wrong?

You cleaned his content, man.

What? He needed that content.

Why do you keep saying content?

He was going to livestream about the dead guy.

Content's money, bro.

OK, I'm not going to talk to you any more.

There's clearly something wrong.

Yo! Stay where you are.

Yeah, we can't light it.

Some massive fat dude cleared it up.

OK, I'll come there now.

Fat?

Yeah, you're, like, really fat.

Mate?

Oi, mate!

Can you come down?

Are you going to make me climb up there?

You think I haven't got those skills?

You think I haven't got tree-climbing skills?

All right, strap in.

Yes, please!

Not a problem.

There he is.

Up we go.

Yeah.

All good. All good.

Still got it. You never lose it.

Whoo!

This used to be like Disney World for us.

Cos you were poor? Boo-hoo.

Look, I don't know what I've done wrong.

I was going to do a big stream about the guy getting fried,

and now it's like it never happened.

People aren't interested in an electrical accident, are they?

I would've filmed Fat Baz down the pub when he blew his thumb off.

Why?

Oh, he was trying to hook a crumpet out of a toaster.

It was... No!

Why are you still talking to me?

I needed that dead guy, and you've cleaned him up.

Can't you put it back?

Put what back?

The blood.

Oh, the blood. Yeah, God, of course.

I've got some buckets in the car.

We'll go and splash it back on now.

You're shitting me?

Yes, I'm shitting you.

Well, congratulations for finding my ruined life

so hilarious, you sad, old fuck.

Go and mop up somewhere else. Well...

I don't even use a mop.

Your move.

Look, what's the matter, son?

It's over.

I know that, really.

Home Alone Hosea is just another Tom from MySpace

or the guy that sang Chocolate Rain.

Or that monkey that banged that frog.

So you've heard of the monkey that banged a frog?

The monkey's a legend, mate.

That's me now.

The monkey that banged a frog.

A joke.

Blackberry jam.

What?

You can make blood with blackberry jam.

Come on.

Let's get it done.

That's the Way by Dead or Alive

♪ Keep that, keep that body strong

♪ That's the way Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ I like it Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ That's the way Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ I like it Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ That's the way Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ I like it Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ That's the way Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ I like it Uh-huh, uh-huh

♪ When you take me

♪ By the hand

♪ And tell me I'm

♪ Your loving man... ♪

Ah!

Did you have one in the '80s?

A soda thingy? No.

Mum said they were a waste of money.

I'd just been to the shops for her

to buy 40 fags and a bottle of Cinzano.

The irony wasn't wasted.

Honey.

So, how do you know how to use it?

They're not that complicated.

Hey, when we were kids, if we wanted free stuff,

we had to go down the rec and do a dance for Dirty Bertie.

I can't believe people send it you for nothing.

I can't believe you don't know who I am.

Well, tell me what happened.

When I was 16, my parents moved to Italy.

I told them I didn't want to go and they said, "Fine, that's up to you.

"You're old enough to make your own mind up," and left me in the house.

My Insta went mental. Loads of jealous little kids

imagining the perfect life with no rules.

Now I'm rich. The end.

They left you on your own?

I wanted to stay. Yeah, kids want to eat ice cream

that's been dropped in shit - they shouldn't be allowed.

You got kids? No.

Then what do you know about it? I used to be one.

Oh, yeah. In the '80s, where your parents smoked fags around you

and got drunk on Cinzino.

Cinzano. Whatever.

Yeah. They didn't leave us behind, though.

I don't need them.

I'm my own parents.

Hmm. All right.

Shall we?

Well, splurge it down.

Splurge it down? No?

Do you know much about blood spatter?

About as much as you know about Instagram.

Then listen carefully.

From the scene, I can tell you straight away

it wasn't the shock that killed him.

It wasn't? No.

It caused him to spasm, sure,

which meant that he thrashed around here,

eventually hitting his head on this cabinet.

Ew. The blood on that wall was from the head injury -

violent involuntary convulsions from the shock.

Resulting in light to moderate blood spatter,

simple enough to remove from non-porous surfaces.

You'd be amazed how much blood comes from a head injury.

So, that was what killed him?

A third-degree abrasion?

Oh, my sweet child,

I very much doubt it.

No, he's not done yet.

So he's thrashing around at the end of a live wire,

receiving electrical burns at the point of contact,

leading to a bit more of the old...

Light to moderate blood spatter.

Very good. Yes.

Now, eventually, he's thrown this way,

where he lands here,

on your glass coffee table.

So, it wasn't the arcade machine that killed him?

Glass severs arteries.

What does glass do?

Severs arteries.

And arteries are connected to...

The heart. Nature's pump.

Pump Up The Jam.

It's a song.

It doesn't matter.

Can I do it?

I don't know.

Can you?

I was just saying you can have a go. You should have a go at it.

Ah.

What was that?

No good?

Have you any idea how much blood the heart pumps around the body?

Put some welly into it!

Now we're talking.

I think you're ready...

Sorry. I think you're ready.

Enough? Is this what it looked like?

Yeah, it's pretty good.

We just missed one bit.

What the fuck?!

Oh. Sorry, I was just...

What the actual fuck?!

I thought I'd lost you.

Blimey.

Is that a Home Alone Hosea look?

One of them.

I had to change, because somebody

squirted jam in my face.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Got a bit carried away.

Why would you do that?

For fun? Oh, yeah,

cos squirting jam all over someone is so fun.

You want to have a laugh more often, you do, mate.

Bet you've never been in there either, have you?

What?

Four or five cans, couple of tequilas, I'd be straight in there.

It's for fish.

You and your mates have never jumped in there

when you're pissed? I don't drink.

What?!

Why?!

I guess cos I'm not a total loser, that's why.

You've got some space hoppers back there.

I bet you've never even been on your space hoppers, have you?

I've got what?

99 Luftballons by Nena

How many followers have you got?

Was five mil,

but this dead guy stream should get the followers back up.

Five million?

I find it hard enough to manage five mates.

I only like four of them.

Weasel's on a final warning.

You've got a friend called Weasel?

Yeah. We keep trying to get rid of him,

but he pulls us back in.

Maybe my life's not so bad.

♪ Neunundneunzig Luftballons

♪ Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont

♪ Hielt man fur Ufos aus dem All

♪ Darum schickte ein... ♪

I just think there has to be some times in your life

where no-one can get in touch with you.

When you're not online at all.

Do you know what I mean?

Over.

It's not working!

The problem is, a 23-year-old living in a house

isn't very Home Alone.

People have stopped finding it cute.

Yeah, I get it.

Classic Michael Jackson syndrome.

I am not like Michael Jackson!

Whoa!

I don't mean full-blown weird Michael Jackson.

I mean, you know, when people first started going,

"Oh. His best friend's a monkey, is it?

"A monkey?"

People are saying I'm weird. Like Tom Cruise.

So what does it matter what a load of strangers think?

Turn your computer off - job done.

What am I going to do?

Become a cleaner?

I'm a crime scene cleaner.

Ah!

♪ Neunundneunzig Kriegsminister

♪ Streichholz und Benzinkanister

♪ Hielten sich fur schlaue Leute

♪ Witterten schon fette Beute

♪ Riefen "Krieg!" Und wollten Macht

♪ Mann, wer hatte das gedacht

♪ Dass es einmal so weit kommt

♪ Wegen neunundneunzig... # Whoa!

Have you seen? Looks good, right?

Yeah, bro, sweet.

We've got the livestream ready to go. Come on.

Who IS that?

My manager.

Oh, he's your manager?

Right. I just thought he was the village idiot.

He manages all the big influencers.

Come on.

What? What do you mean?

Well, you've got to be in it.

What? Why? Well, to make it look proper.

You can clean up in the background.

Clean up the mess we've just made? Get lost.

Please.

This is a big deal for me.

Yeah, great. So this is Baxter.

He's our senior consultant demographer,

so he'll be across, like, live traffic analysis,

updating user profiles

and multi-platform brand reach...

..and that.

Fuck me, there's two of him.

Dude, can you start...thingy?

Cleaning? Is that the word you're struggling for?

We are going live any second, broski.

Well, I mean, I could rub it with this,

but I'll tell you now, without the correct chemical formula,

it's just a man moving jam around a floor.

Please, I'm trying to get into the right headspace.

I've got standards.

I don't want other crime scene cleaners seeing this.

Two out of the three of them are real gossips.

I don't want them chatting shit about me on the WhatsApp group.

You know what that's like. Please!

Hey, guys and girls and my nonbinary friends.

So, yesterday, something mad happened.

Y'all know how much I love the '80s,

so I figured what's more '80s than an original '80s cabinet?

Bummer alert!

It wasn't wired properly, like, a fuse had gone or something.

This is when things get freaky.

So this guy came round to fix it

and was, like, super sweet,

but there was, like,

a massive problem with the machine and it's, like, totally killed him.

So the police sent some clean-up guy to, like,

clean up and that,

but I just wanted my Hoseas to know what's been going on with me.

Oh, my God, look at what is going on.

My poor little cleaner guy. Isn't he cute?

So, apparently, it wasn't the shock that killed him.

That's why there was so much blood.

That's what you were saying, right?

Uh... Yes?

Well, tell... Tell the guys

what you were saying about, you know,

the coffee table and something about the artery.

Oh.

Oh.

You can see from the blood on the wall

that this was actually the first injury.

The victim would have fallen and hit his head here,

against this cabinet,

causing this blood spatter pattern.

But it wasn't the head injury that killed him, was it?

That's what you were telling me. Oh, no, no.

This is actually nowhere near as bad as it looks.

You can see that from... The blood pattern

is actually quite localised from the abrasion.

Ooh.

What is this?

Mm. Sticky!

Ooh, now, that is interesting.

That's actually the victim's wedding ring.

You see, during electrocution,

even the small muscles in the hand,

they would tighten, causing it to fall off.

It's intriguing what you find out about victims in this job.

From that, we know he was married.

From a picture I found in his wallet earlier,

I can tell you he had three small children.

Shut up! This is not about the dead guy!

Not cool, bro!

OK, the stuff about the kids was too much.

Let's go again!

Please! You're cancelled. You're cancelled. You're done.

Me? You are cancelled.

We'll rebrand. We can't rebrand.

New vibes, new things. You can't uncancel a cancel.

I'm done. This is done. You're done.

You're cancelled. And we're done.

And I'm out. OK?

I'm out.

I bought you a cola-flavoured soda.

They're not allowed to call it Coke for legal reasons.

And because it tastes like piss.

They'll forget.

They'll never forget.

It's there forever.

Where? In the cloud.

Is it?

You been sending dick pics, Grandad? No.

Wish I was born in the '80s.

Yeah, it was good.

No internet.

No phones.

Endless summers. Yeah, all right, I get it.

The Exxon Valdez oil spill.

The Challenger disaster.

Chernobyl.

What? Yeah.

The '80s are just like now -

really great and really shitty.

Don't believe the hype.

Ugh. Jam everywhere.

Yeah. Funny, innit?

In many ways, it's harder to get out than blood.

I'm like Lady Macbeth.

Out, damned jam?

You've not seen it, have you?

No. No.

Course you haven't.

I'll show you a good way to get jam out.

You're not going to... I am.

But you haven't even got jam on you. No.

I've got no jam on me.

I'm going to jump in the pond just for the sake of it.

Oi.

Put your phone away.

Just do a thing.

Fuck it!

Oh, God, it's freezing!

That is actually awful.

What's that smell?

That's fish shit.

And duck shit.

Ugh! We should've just jumped in the hot tub.

In the what?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, this is better.

Mm. We're like the Real Housewives of Atlanta.

I know! Right?

You've not seen it, have you?

No.

So, what happened next,

after you jumped in a pond in the '80s?

Oh, my mum'd bollock us for getting wet

and then feed us watery minced beef.

My life's not so bad, is it?

No!

But maybe leave Hosea at home for a bit.

Go and see some real-world stuff, eh?

What is your real name?

Bernard.

Yeah, stick with Hosea.

Bernard.

You do know Home Alone was filmed in the '90s, right?

It's not '80s.

It's been pointed out to me.

Ah.

Now the '90s...

..they were amazing.