Original subtitles

Oh, here he comes - Mr Mop.

I don't use a mop, as well you know.

What are we looking at?

The most boring bloodbath I've ever seen.

Posh old lady disturbs burglar. He falls down the stairs

and dies. Case closed.

Didn't stretch the DC's expertise.

Poor old girl, though.

Oh, I wouldn't shed too many tears for her.

She's a pain in the arse. Tony!

What have I told you? Sorry.

He's right. She's a pain in the arse.

Get her precious floorboards clean, and I'll aim to bring you something more juicy next time.

Yeah, just no blood on curtains.

You've got a compulsion to kill - fine.

Do it in the bath!

How come you weren't at Villa on Saturday?

Someone was sick in my shoes.

Weasel? Of course Weasel.

Why do you keep hanging out with him?

I don't hang out with him.

I've been asking him to stop following me since primary school.

Took me ages to get 'em clean.

Poor Mr Mop - always cleaning.

I don't use a mop, though, do I, Ruth?

Oh, that's Sergeant Edwards, if you don't mind.

Hello?

Hello, it's Wicky from Lausen.

Who? Lausen, the cleaning company.

The police sent us.

Well, you're not the charming elderly gentleman I spoke to.

No, that's the boss. He sent me.

Although, when it comes to charm, I...

And you are?

Wicky.

And that's on your birth certificate, is it?

Sorry, Paul Wickstead. It's Wicky for short.

ID, please.

Step back!

It's not a wide-angled lens, man!

Jesus. Sorry, Nana.

Did you call me Nana?

No. You did.

You called me Nana.

Perhaps you'd like to meet Saltren.

Kill him, Saltren!

Bite to kill! Jesus!

There's no need to set a bloody dog on me. I'm only...

I don't have a dog. You don't?

Listen, I'm sorry about the Nana thing.

Boots off, please!

Oh, I've got covers.

Professionalism at last.

That vase - how much do you think it's worth?

Pfft.

200 quid.

It was valued at auction at £20,000.

Jesus Christ! What's it doing in the hall?

Exactly.

This is not a house where you may flail your arms around.

In here, your movement must be poised, thoughtful.

You must be a heron.

What must you be?

A heron?

A heron.

So where did it happen?

I'm kidding. I can see it happened there.

Sorry. Was it awful?

It must have been awful.

Devastating.

Absolutely devastating.

Oh, the...the footprints are from my cat.

She has been disciplined.

Primarily surface-level staining.

Original oak floorboards.

I mean, they're more porous than some,

but not a disaster.

Yeah, full restoration. OK, this is a category six.

A category six?

Surface-level staining.

You got off very lightly, believe me.

Yesterday was a lump hammer killing

in a head teacher's office. I practically had to torch the gaff.

Oh. No, this is fine.

Don't you worry.

By the end of the day, it will be a distant memory

that a man bled to death here, in your home.

To business.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it must have been awful.

It's a miracle that I survived.

At first, I thought the noise that woke me must be the cat.

God knows, she's a heavy-footed madam when she's tired.

When I came to check...

..there he was.

He must have thought that I was...

..I was out, because he looked shocked.

And that's when he took out a knife...this big!

Yikes.

He pushed me into the chair with such a force,

I still feel like I've been skiing!

God, skiing? Shit.

And then he demanded to know where the jewel safe was,

and I was not going to reveal that.

Hey! Now, that is silly.

Jewellery's not worth dying for...

..unless it's really nice jewellery.

Yours is really nice jewellery, isn't it?

And that is exactly why I feigned passing out.

Clever girl.

Sorry. Lady.

Person. Go on.

Well, I continued to monitor him through one eye.

Classic half-peep.

Sounds like you played a blinder.

Well, a peeper.

Doesn't matter. Peepy blinders. Go on.

Well, I stealthily observed him

lowering swag through the window,

and he... Oh, I can barely bring myself to say it.

He was... Oh, it was monstrous!

It was awful!

Oh, God, what?

He stood on the sofa!

The cad!

I leapt to my feet.

"You!" I said.

"You may break into my home and rob my possessions,

"but you will not stand on that sofa in dirty shoes!"

He must have put the knife away and died of embarrassment.

Quite the reverse.

A smirk crept across his dastardly lips.

"This is what I think about your chair,

"you crumpled hag," he said.

And with one swift, awful movement, he did it.

What, the rip?

Well, as my grandson would say,

I lost my shiz.

You kicked him in the throat. I threw a cushion at him.

Also good.

It was a heavy cushion?

Well, he gave chase,

following me to the foot of the stairs.

But I have maintained senior Pilates

and am stronger than he had bargained for.

We grappled, but he lost his footing.

He grabbed at the shields, the clubs,

anything on the wall.

No respect for any one of them.

Then the die was cast.

I watched him tumble,

as if in a dream,

his fall broken...

..by his own head.

Sheesh!

The sound his neck made on impact

will haunt me for life.

It was like...

Someone biting a Crunchie?

A mighty oak finally succumbing to the woodman's axe.

Yeah, that's way better, yeah.

I ran down to find him gasping in lungfuls of air.

He wasn't dead? I quickly arranged him into the recovery position.

Someone was a Brownie.

I was a surgeon in the RAF!

Yeah.

I made him comfortable, but, alas,

with a sickening gurgle...

..he was gone.

Well, I think it's pretty cool that you even tried to help him.

I have lived long enough to know the right thing to do,

young man. Ha!

Next birthday...

..I shall be 87 years of age.

Right.

You do not look 87.

Oh, that silver tongue of yours will get you anywhere.

Right, I'd better get on.

I have in mind you might care for a pot of tea.

I think I better earn it first, don't you?

And I'll start by getting that taken away.

What do you mean, taken away?

Sorry, did you want it re-covered?

Do you enjoy being

an ignorant pig? Whoa!

It's just a sofa.

The Bulldog himself sat there.

You're not talking about a real dog, are you?

Winston Churchill!

Oh, him!

Blimey, doesn't look like it could take his weight.

How dare you mock the great man!

Well, I mean, he wasn't shy at the buffet, was he?

Sorry.

Did you meet him?

Fleetingly, as a small girl.

My name is Vivien Hozier.

I am a niece three times removed.

My granny could get her whole hand in her mouth.

It has a rich history.

Balfour smoked on this very sofa,

Chamberlain sipped tea from the colonies

long before Winston faced

that twisted Austrian. Who?

Hitler.

Hitler sat on it?

Cool!

Hitler did not sit on it, for God's sake.

It is a symbol of everything that defeated him.

When we heard that my father had fallen in Normandy...

I have mourned on this very sofa!

Right! I won't get it taken away.

Hey...

Sorry.

My dad always said I've got a smart mouth,

but it's not connected to a brain.

He made up a song about it, actually.

He's a terrible role model.

You are a simple working man,

I understand that.

Yes. Yes.

You just want to do your job and get home.

I'll do a good job.

Probably can't even read or write.

Hang on.

Try and see this as a piece of history,

not somewhere to break wind and watch television.

Do you have a television?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to get on.

I shall warm the pot!

How many sugars do you take?

I don't take sugar. Oh...

I must say I'm impressed.

You work with devouement.

I think you'll find I work with acetone.

Another little joke.

Your job makes you happy.

I like that. It's just a job.

He really did bleed, this bloke, didn't he?

And would one...? Would one have to train to be a...?

A crime scene cleaner? Mm.

Of course one would train. Yes, of course.

Well, you're a cut above the woman who does the house.

I mean, she can barely dress herself.

You like your little role, don't you?

Well, I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to, but...

..you do get to see how people live.

I mean, I say live - they're mainly horribly dead,

but it's a taste of another life, do you know what I mean?

It sounds stupid, but...

Well, go on.

If someone's died in their own home,

I, uh, I like putting things right for them.

"Put things right." How noble.

Well, better for things to be left as they were

in the happy times, you know, before...

Well, before their brains got splattered all over the carpet.

Oh, for God's sake, man. Sorry,

but you be thankful this one was fresh.

If they've been left, it can be rank.

Rank? You don't want to know.

Insects, bacteria - it's gross.

There was one last week...

I mean, the stench of decay in that room,

it was so heavy in the air,

it was like...

It was like my nan had farted in my mouth.

And she only ate ham.

Oh, God. Don't worry.

That's only when I do work for the council, you know,

with old people who've...

Died a solitary death, huh?

I'm sure you will live for many years to come.

I shall die at 93, like all the rest of my family.

Leave me your card.

I should like you to put things right for me

when the time comes.

Oh, I shall pay in advance.

Do you think you'll still be cleaning in five years?

And she still thinks I'm just a cleaner.

Observe. Oh, you can leave that.

It's an old stain. I've tried to get it out

for over a decade. Is that right?

Mm.

Oh...

Et voila!

Oh! Looks like the training paid off, doesn't it?

Oh, it's a miracle!

Could I borrow that?

I have a job it could make light work of.

You'll have to get me to do it.

This stuff's serious. You have to have a permit.

I once saw it dissolve an entire mouse.

You are rather good at what you do.

You sound surprised. I am.

Oh, believe me, I am.

Not on there! It's Regency, for God's sake!

This is a very confusing relationship!

Miss Hozier?

Miss Hozier?

Shut up!

Oh, my God! Do you want my heart to explode?

Tell me this isn't yours.

This house has been in my family for generations.

It's all mine.

You've got an Aston Martin?

Oh, that old thing.

That old...? This is a Volante.

It's one of the most beautiful cars ever made.

What is it, a '79?

'80, I think.

'80. 5.3 litre.

Have you any idea how much this car's worth?

At least five vases.

Do you know what?

I sometimes imagine that I'm cleaning up for the Mob,

like after someone's been whacked,

and this - this is my getaway car.

It's about the only way I could afford one.

I thought we had established that crime doesn't pay.

Ah, that'll be Sir James.

Hey, what was it you wanted me to clean?

Where is the bastard now?

I'll flog him myself!

He died in the struggle. He fell down the stairs.

Good! I've a mind to go to the morgue and flog him anyway.

Who would do this to an artefact, Sir James?

They don't know right from wrong!

Morals of a...howler monkey!

I'm amazed he didn't do toilet on it afterwards.

Now, have the police secured the building?

Oh, they've sent a man,

and he has nailed down the window for us.

Yeah.

Ah! Total botched job!

They're not trained for anything, that's the problem.

I remember the time when a bobby was a military man.

Discipline! Nowadays, it's children in long hats.

Hiya. I know the police sergeant in charge, actually,

and she's very good.

Who the hell are you?

Oh, this is Wicky. He's come to help clean up the mess.

Ah! A male cleaner!

The world's gone mad.

Women in pubs drinking pints.

Two boys taking over Penny's flower shop.

I'm telling you,

within our lifetime, we will be swapping clothes

and having sex with robots!

They're looking into that, you know.

Well, apparently, he's trained.

He has some special fluid.

You don't need chemicals on that stair, you need tallow.

What's tallow? Gah, I knew it.

I have some tallow. Oh.

I predicted this when I played golf with the Chief Inspector

last week.

Oh, there is social housing a moped ride from here.

All on benefits. Imagine...

They only go out of the house to rob.

Rest of the time, they're on their video games.

Won't be long before they evolve giant thumbs.

And what then, huh? Well,

hopefully, they'll starve to death

because they can no longer open their precious bags of crisps.

Tallow!

Yeah, good girl.

Here.

Apply that.

Sorry, what is this?

Mutton fat!

I don't think I'm going to put that on the carpet,

because I think it might be insane.

There you have it.

Traditional skills lost forever.

Right, until this house is properly secured,

I want the whole area patrolled.

I'll go and put together a roster

from some of the Pony Club boys.

Gay boyband?

You ever been chased by a mounted man?

Not for ages.

A protester I once pursued soiled himself,

front and back,

after merely hearing the thunder of hooves on turf.

The environment was the least of his concerns,

I can tell you. Hmph.

We will hunt them down like vermin.

You're so kind.

Yeah.

Bring a shotgun when I come back tomorrow.

You need a weapon in this house.

A weapon!

Sir James is very well connected.

He seems lovely. Mm.

I still can't believe the blood came this far, you know.

Doesn't make sense from a neck break.

Where were you standing?

Oh... In the middle of the stairs.

So why weren't you covered in it?

I... It must have missed me.

No, no, the spatter pattern means...

It means that you would have been...

Well, I must get on.

Hang on.

What was it you wanted me to clean?

What?

In the other room. What was it you wanted me to clean?

Oh...

..it wasn't important.

A brass pig.

A brass pig?

A brass pig, my arse.

Where are you going?

You've done a pretty good job of getting it clean.

But to make blood undetectable,

you need a specialist fluid.

I'll make a pot of tea.

So he didn't die in the fall?

Well, I thought he had at first.

He really did land badly.

The sound was like a...

Yeah, yeah, mighty oak, Crunchie. So?

Well, I picked up one of the clubs he pulled down in the fall.

I wanted to be armed in case he came for me.

For when his broken neck had healed?

I was going to call the police,

I really was, but then I...

..then I saw it again.

How could he?!

All of this heritage destroyed, and for what?

What?

Not the damn chair again?!

Barely remember picking up the club.

It was a beautiful swing, under the circumstances.

I've been taking lessons.

One clean stroke...

..and it was done.

You killed him? Well, anyone would have done the same.

I wouldn't!

Well, what's done is done.

I must get on.

Wait! I can't let this go.

I have to report it. You murdered him!

And who will believe the cleaner?

I knew you didn't respect the training.

Oh, I have plenty of people to vouch for my character.

It's not inconceivable that you dreamt the whole thing up.

An admired member of the community

blackmailed by an unskilled labourer.

Unskilled?

I cleaned your lamp!

He was a common criminal.

Who will miss him?

How do you know what was going on in his life?

He might have a sick child. Oh, put your violin away!

An eye for an eye - it's in the Bible.

Oh, yeah. Thou shalt not steal,

or you'll get smacked round the back of the head with a golf club.

How much do you want?

You're not listening.

You could get an education, you could get a better job,

really make something of your life.

My job means that I can buy everything I need

and still have enough money

to give myself a hangover every weekend.

You cannot buy your way out of this.

Well...

..I really don't have much use for that car.

What, the Aston? Yes.

I only use it for popping down to the shops.

I mean, that's the worst thing you've said today.

It's an Aston Martin.

Exactly.

Such a waste.

Ah...

I see.

Well, you can forget it.

I couldn't even afford to insure the damn thing.

Oh, I shall insure it for you.

Let's call it my advance payment

for you making things right for me. Hm?

Now, I must get on.

I have church later.

Miss Hozier...

Please, Wicky.

Please?

God, it's beautiful.

Weasel, what do you want? It was me.

What? I sicked in your shoes.

I knew it was you.

Oh, right.

It's just, Jen said you might have thought it was Fat Carl

and, at first, I was happy,

because you'd be cross with him instead of me,

but then I thought, if you end up punching him, I'll feel bad. It's OK.

I'll clean them if you leave them in the pub.

No, listen, Weasel. I appreciate you calling.

It's good that you did the right thing.

Hang on, it wasn't my fault. I'd had a bad...

Dammit.

Jesus! What the hell?

Ah, what did I tell you?

24 hours they've had,

and I was able to break back in from the side window!

Is that a crowbar?

Yes, an everyday crowbar, and I'm back in!

You people are in league with the underworld!

I'll have all your jobs.

Right. Well, you're the one who's broken the law.

Oh, well, we'll see what the Chief Inspector says about that.

It's called civic duty.

For God's sake! Get out!

I can't. What?

I have my trouser caught.

They're genetically modifying beef to grow like lettuce,

you know.

No more farms...

..just limbless cows on shelves.

Be quiet.

Right.

And they're putting chemicals in the water.

I've seen crows the size of Labradors.

Go home, you silly man.

Yeah...

She's a fine woman, you know, Vivien Hozier. Good stock.

She deserves something more than this.

Get...off...my...sofa!

Wait... Wait!

Oh, no, no!

It's ruined. Look what you've made me do!

It's ruined!

Miss Hozier...

Why don't you understand?

It's my history, it's my family!

It isn't. They don't care about the chair. They've gone!

He didn't deserve what you did, Vivien.

Well...

..I imagine you...

..you have to make a phone call.

Yes. I'm sorry.

What are you doing with that?

I'm putting it back where it belongs.

My barrister is a great admirer of my artefacts,

and I'd hate him to see things out of place.

Your barrister?

Yes, he's on his way.

He doesn't think I'll have a problem.

The circumstances, my reputation...

He doubts it'll even come to court.

You have your way of cleaning up...

..and I have mine.

Right.

No!

It was just a sofa.

Well, well, well, Mr Mop.

A call on my private phone.

This is an unexpected treat.

What?

What's up?

No. No, fine. We'll come now.

OK. Yeah, thanks.

Dammit!