Original subtitles

You should prepare yourself.

Where is it?

I told him what to expect...

Just show me.

Bloody hell, Ruth!

This is going to take ages!

I told your boss it was a bad one.

It's 3.00! I'm supposed to be...

Curry night. I told them, "He won't like this.

"It's curry night at the White Horse."

It's on everything!

Look, it's on curtains, bloody clock!

Who puts a white rug in a kitchen?

Did Siegfried move here after Roy died?

Jesus! What happened? A woman killed her husband.

What with, a combine harvester?

Stabbed him 38 times. Why?

To piss me off?

You only need five stabs.

Anything else is showboating.

Oh, you'll be all right, you've got ages!

I'm a cleaner.

I'm not Jesus.

The naans come out at 7.00, and they go stale very quickly.

I need to be sat down by 6.30 at the latest.

Well, there you go, three hours.

And I'm up there later.

I'll get Mervin to keep you a jalfrezi.

Do you think this is a three-hour job?

I've not looked yet,

but I'd be willing to bet there's blood on the ceiling.

Yep! Hello! Oh, and also...

..the models need doing.

They were his pride and joy, apparently. Why? He's dead!

Who's going to care? His wife who murdered him?

Or am I being thorough for a ghost?

You're just grumpy cos you're on a promise from the tattooed milf.

No, I'm not.

She'll be waiting for you, no matter how late you get there.

I'm not seeing her any more. Aw. Why not?

I think it was cos I realised that everybody calls her

"the tattooed milf" - even her own mother.

She doesn't even have that many tattoos.

You haven't seen her back, mate. It's all anchors and sea monsters.

It's like shagging a treasure map. Ohh, God!

She's even got it on the pot plants!

Oh, well, good luck, Mr Mop.

See you later...hopefully.

All right.

Right, Wicky.

Think curry.

Just think delicious curry.

The Only One I Know by The Charlatans

♪ The only one I know

♪ Has come to take me away

♪ The only one I know

♪ Is mine when she stitches me

♪ The only one I see

♪ Has found an aching in me

♪ The only one I see

♪ Has turned her tongue into me

♪ Everyone...

Hello? Mr Policeman?

It's the friendly neighbour!

Hello. Argh!

Hey!

How are you feeling?

Yeah, I'm a little shaken, but I'll live.

Honestly, you're just like my boy,

running around, causing chaos.

To be honest with you,

I was pretty pleased that I kicked that high.

Ah! You boys and your karate!

Ah...

Well, I'd better get on.

Yes, dear. I'm just waiting for my letter.

Your...?

Well, as I say to my boy,

what's an apology without a letter?

It's like a burp in the wind, huh?

You want me to write you an apology letter?

The pie didn't kick itself out of my hands now, did it, dear?

Why not?

Well, it came as no surprise to me that Mrs Bellingham did this.

Never trust a woman who doesn't bake.

I used to bring a pie round every Tuesday

for poor Mr Bellingham.

And now, look.

Not all women bake, though, do they?

All women of my generation do.

It was drummed into us -

and if she's not baking, what is she doing?

I guess she's into other things.

Exactly what Myra Hindley said.

So...you must be a policeman.

How exciting.

No, I'm here to clean up, so...

You're a cleaner? What did I tell you?

The world is upside down!

Crime scene cleaner.

It needs a woman's touch.

Now, get me a mop, and I'll do it.

Name a stain! Pardon?

Name a stain that's impossible to get out.

Beetroot on linen.

Pectinase. What?

It's an enzyme which breaks down pectin, a polysaccharide

found in plant cell walls.

Used in conjunction with hydrogen peroxide

and a microfibre brush,

I can get beetroot out of anything.

And you know why?

Because I am a qualified crime scene cleaner.

I can get dried blood out of a white woollen carpet.

I can remove skull fragments from velvet. Ew!

So...think on!

Yeah. Firm, but fair.

Hello.

Hey!

Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.

I let myself in.

Has everyone got keys to this bloody house?

Oh, gosh. I hope not.

Erm, just me and our neighbour now, I think. It's all right.

At least you weren't carrying a pie, I suppose.

Oh, no. I don't bake.

No. It was a source of some... irritation for my husband.

Oh.

You're the, erm...?

Oh, this is...?

I'm the wife, yes.

Oh, I suppose I should say "widow" now.

Yes, I suppose you should!

I was just, erm...

I was just going to go and get some...murder.

Some...? Some murder for the stab.

What am I talking about?

I was just going to go and fill my bucket with blood.

For the murder stab.

Water!

Water to clean the stab a man murder walls of all the blood!

Water!

Water for my bucket!

So, I'll go and do that,

and then, maybe you and I could have a nice cup of tea, couldn't we?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stay.

If you don't mind awfully.

I would be delighted.

In the cupboard, please.

Oh... In the cupboard.

No, I can't. I'm sorry. I'm claustrophobic.

And I can see they've got wool coats in there,

and I'm allergic.

It makes my throat go up like a puffer fish. Seriously.

Cupboard.

Look, how long are you going to be?

Just collecting some things, then I'll be on my way.

So, like, ten minutes?

Or are you going to lock me in,

and then wait for me to be discovered?

Sorry, have you got somewhere you've got to be?

Well, yeah.

You're being held at gunpoint by a woman who you know has,

within the past 48 hours,

used her husband as a knife block.

So, do weigh up your answer to this really carefully.

What is so...important?

Well, it's nothing. I was just...

I was just going to go to the White Horse.

A pub? It's curry night.

It's curry night? Yeah. It's £5.

And, honestly, considering it's all cooked by a white guy called Mervin,

it is delicious.

What, it's worth being shot for?

You should come!

It's as many naans as you can eat.

That's a mistake by Mervin.

I had nine last week before the madras came out.

OK. So, you're refusing to get in because of Mervin's naans?

Let's get this over with. Hey, hey, hey, no!

I'll get in. I'll get in. Lovely. It'll be nice.

You couldn't ring ahead, then, could you?

And ask them if they'll put some on one side for me?

If you look on Google, it's the White Horse.

Don't go on the website,

because Mervin messed that up.

The link just takes you to an abattoir.

In Poland.

I think it's Poland.

Either way, the cows look weird.

Hello?!

Oh, my God.

How dull must your life be?

Come with me.

Sit.

This church has a little surprise.

Smoke?

Yeah.

Ah...

First time I've ever done this in here.

He didn't approve of smoking.

No, of course he didn't.

That's why I liked hiding them in his precious little models.

That was a minor act of rebellion.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll, erm... I'll open the windows.

Oh, it's not that.

It's, erm...it's all the...

Hm? Oh, yes.

I do need to change.

Don't worry. I've no intention of hurting you.

Mind you, I had no intention of hurting my husband.

It's funny. I, erm...

I really don't remember what happened.

You stabbed him. 38 times.

Goodness me!

I was cross, wasn't I? Yes.

Five would've been plenty. Hm.

I mean...do you mind me asking?

Hm?

What did he do wrong?

He made models.

No. No, I mean, why did you kill him?

I know what you meant, and my answer remains.

I don't understand.

Have you ever had a paper cut?

I don't think I ever have.

But do you know what? There was a kid I went to school

with who used to give them to himself on purpose.

A cry for help? Oh, no. He was just a nutter.

Last time I saw him, he was riding round town on a dog.

A paper cut is, erm...

It's small.

It isn't life-threatening.

But it really hurts.

It bleeds for a really long time.

And that's what my marriage was like.

A tiny paper cut... after tiny paper cut.

Until one day... well, I decided I'd bled enough.

It was his turn.

I believe the final straw was the reordering of the fridge.

Eh? Yeah. All of the bottles rearranged in height order.

It sounds silly, doesn't it?

But I opened the door

and, suddenly, I thought,

"I do not want the juice at the top and the Yakult

"at the bottom, and..."

Well...

I know what you mean.

My ex, once, she put all the DVDs in alphabetical order,

and I ran her over with the van.

Did you? No!

Because I'm not a psychopath.

I'm not a psychopath.

I'm the treasurer of the community centre.

Oh, right. Well, as long as the coffee morning receipts

are in order, who's going to begrudge you a little bloodbath?

I see.

Upstairs.

I'm not going in the cupboard. Upstairs!

Right, get in the bathroom.

Was that always an option?

Why did we have to go through all that cupboard pantomime?

Please, don't be fooled by my charming demeanour.

I'm on the edge. I have little time. Get in.

Fucking sausages!

Hey!

Psst!

Hey, kid!

Psst!

Mama said I'm not to talk to you.

What? Why?

Because you go around kicking pies out of people's hands.

Kid, I need your help here!

Oh, my God.

You got a problem? No, no problem!

Listen. Lend me your phone.

I haven't got a phone.

I don't want square eyes, thank you very much.

Can you go and ask your mum if she'll...? Erm...

Mum's not going to want to help you, Mr Pie-Kicker.

That's what I wanted to talk to her about.

Because of my silly behaviour, I didn't get to taste her pie.

Delicious pies. Yeah, yeah, delicious pie!

So, I was wondering if she'd give me a second chance...

..and bring me another pie?

You'd have to write her a sorry letter. She's had a letter!

Mum! Oh, hey, hey, hey!

This is all there is.

This is the best I can do.

All done?

Yeah. Nearly.

Erm... I need to use the bathroom.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Where are you going?

You said you needed to use... I do.

You're going to have to stay in here.

Of course.

Of course you're going to make me watch you have a wee.

Turn around.

It's not a wee I need, I'm afraid.

What?

No, you can't!

Not while I'm in here.

What, are you under the impression that women don't?

No, I'm perfectly aware that women do.

I just don't want to be in the room when it...comes out.

Well, tough.

I have been dancing to the tune of man for 35 years.

If I need to defecate, you can just damn well stand there and listen.

Oh, yeah. Good. Good. You carry on.

Cos this is important, isn't it?

This is like when you won the vote. Go on!

Poo your way into history.

Oh, for God's sake!

Be quiet! Me be quiet?!

Have you considered this might just be gas?

No, I'm constipated.

It's hardly surprising - I've been eating corned beef

in the woods for two nights.

That's what it is!

Oh, it's no good.

It's not going to come while you're in here.

Well, let me go outside, then.

I won't run away, I promise. You will.

OK, I will run away! But come on!

All right. Stand outside. Go slowly.

But the moment you're outside, you start talking.

If you stop talking for a second, I'll start shooting. Fine!

Talk!

What about?

I don't know. Anything.

All right.

There'll be three types of curry tonight.

There'll be a madras, and a jalfrezi...

No, not about your curry. I'm bored of your curry.

God, your world's so fucking small!

I can't think!

Why not? I don't know.

I suppose it's because I'm being held at gunpoint

by a murderer who's having a shit!

Sing, then. Sing what?

I don't know! It doesn't matter!

♪ Why do...

♪ Why do I do just as you say?

♪ Why do I just give you your way?

♪ Why do I sigh?

♪ Why must I try to forget?

♪ It must have been something that lovers call fate

♪ That kept me saying I had to wait...

♪ I heard them all

♪ Just couldn't fall till we met

♪ It had to be you

♪ I wandered around

♪ Finally found

♪ The somebody who

♪ Could make me be true

♪ Could make me be blue

♪ And even be glad

♪ Just to be sad

♪ Thinking of you

♪ Some others I've seen

♪ Might never be mean

♪ Might never be cross

♪ Or try to be boss

♪ But they wouldn't do

♪ For nobody else

♪ Gave me a thrill

♪ With all your faults

♪ I love you still

♪ It had to be you

♪ Wonderful you

♪ It had to be you... ♪

Success? Yes.

But, erm, I'm afraid you're going to have to get back in there.

That's fine. It's part of the job.

I'm used to odours. Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, fair play, that's awful.

Shh! Be quiet!

I told you to shut up.

Oh...piss.

I thought it was weird.

I thought it was weird that you stabbed him to death when you had

a perfectly good gun in the house.

But this is... One of his stupid models, yeah.

It's very good. I didn't say he wasn't good at models.

Hello? Hello there?

I got your apology!

I have a pie!

I don't understand.

If he was that bad for all those years... No.

..why didn't you just...? No, I know.

I had a chance of pushing him down a huge flight of stairs

a few years ago, but chickened out last minute.

No! I don't mean why didn't you kill him sooner.

I mean, why didn't you just leave him?

Hello! I've accepted your apology!

Sunk cost fallacy.

What? It's a term I learned at business school

when I had my own ambitions...

..and before I gave my life to him.

Well, what does it mean?

Hello?

What does it matter? It's over now.

Do what you need to do.

Anyway...

..you wouldn't understand.

Hello?

Ahh!

Try me.

Can I show you something?

Where are we going?

Have you ever heard of the Dolomites? Yes, of course.

It's where the castle is with the man, isn't it?

Yeah. No, 'course you haven't.

It's a mountain range in Italy.

My grandfather, he was from the region,

and when I was a little girl,

he used to tell me tales of their beauty.

Crystal-clear lakes.

Air so pure, you'd feel drunk with every inhalation.

Erm, around every corner,

a more godlike vista.

Anyway, in the months leading up to my 50th birthday,

I dropped so many hints -

my longing to go there, to breathe in that air.

I even took Italian lessons.

And...

Oh, God.

Yeah.

It took him months.

Barely saw him.

He'd creep into bed at night.

The stench of glue will haunt me for life.

Well, it's sort of sweet.

He remembered you liked the Dolomites.

What? Well, it shows he was listening, doesn't it?

Hey, for my mum's birthday this year,

my dad bought her a telescope.

She's registered blind.

A lifetime following him around

from model convention to miniature railway.

And the one chance that he has to make up

for 35 years of disappointment

and take me to the place of my dreams...

..and he makes me a model of it?!

No! This is all about him.

And, anyway, I want to live life.

I don't want to stare at a mini polystyrene version of it.

You married a nerd!

Why did you stay with a nerd?

Sunk cost fallacy, I told you.

If you invest a lifetime into something,

pulling out means that lifetime meant nothing.

Fine. Why did you have to stab him?

Because I loved him.

OK, you're an absolute nut job.

Maybe.

Well, you're not going to get away with it.

There'll be pictures of you everywhere.

Oh, I've no intention of getting away with it.

Tea?

Oh...

Ah!

I think you should turn yourself in.

Oh, I agree. You do?

Oh, yes. Bourbon?

Yeah.

I mean, I could put a pretty strong argument together

for why I cracked,

but, no, that's not my intention.

I committed an awful crime...

..and I must pay the price.

Fine. So what's with all the packing, then?

Are they having pool parties in prison now? Well...

..since he died, I feel amazing.

I see beauty everywhere.

I feel reborn.

So, no, I must go to prison,

I know I must, but before that...

Well, I had wanted to go there.

To go where?

Dolomites!

I wanted to breathe in that air

and swim in those waters,

and feel for once, just once, I wanted to feel alive.

In the moment - no past, no future, just alive.

Just two weeks of pure freedom.

Cold gelato. Dry white wine.

Eating lemons directly off the tree.

Oh...yes.

That does sound good.

Apart from the bit about eating lemons.

Come with me. What?!

Come with me. Oh, you're...

Crazy. Yeah. I know.

Why would you want me to come with you?

Oh, don't flatter yourself. You're not my type.

Your life is going nowhere.

You're a single 50-year-old man, no children,

with a job you tolerate, at best.

I'm very good at my job!

I'm actually seeing a tattooed milf, so...

Oh...

Oh, God.

Tell me one thing you've got to look forward to. Just one.

Me and the lads are going to see Slack Sabbath.

Black Sabbath? No, they're like them, but...

..they're fat.

Live.

Live for once.

All right.

I will. Sod it.

Really? Yeah. Why not?

The tattooed milf'll keep.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Erm... I'll just get the rest of my things.

You'll need some clothes.

Shall I, uh, drop you off at your place?

We'll take my van. They won't have put a port check on that yet.

Good thinking. I hope you like vino bianco!

I'm more of a beer man.

But those Continental lagers are delicious!

I'm ready!

I hope we find somewhere where we can dance.

I'm sure we will.

I bought this for myself.

I never even showed it to him.

It's lovely.

Wait till you see when it's on.

It's lame, so it catches the light.

Fancy. Hm. Isn't it?

Listen, we've got to get going.

The sooner we're on the road, the safer it is. Yeah.

Sheila, by the way.

Eh? My name.

♪ It had to be you...

Stop! Get down!

Get down!

♪ I wandered around

♪ And I finally found

♪ The somebody who

♪ Could make me be true

♪ And could make me be blue

♪ And even be glad

♪ Just to be sad

♪ Thinking of you

♪ Some others I've seen

♪ Might never be mean

♪ Might never be cross

♪ Or try to be boss

♪ But they wouldn't do... ♪