Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on Southern Charm...

I want to buy a really big picture

of a tiger or a polar bear.

NARRATOR: As Craig was busy flirting with Charley,

Salley was staking her claim.

Do I think he's hot? Yeah.

Do I like being in his hot tub until 4:30 in the morning? Yeah.

NARRATOR: Which not only ruffled Venita's feathers,

but Molly's too.

Salley can't call dibs on every single man in Charleston.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Austen was being wishy-washy over Audrey

and feeling some FOMO.

Like, I do a little bit miss, you know, being single, right?

NARRATOR: Which really pissed Craig off.

Everything in life is give and take and sacrifices,

and when it's the right person, it doesn't matter.

- Yeah! - NARRATOR: So, by the time

we all showed up at Whitner's literary shindig...

Madison!

Guess who she is?

Me!

NARRATOR: Austen's constant poking...

Salley's never happy with her shot.

NARRATOR: ...Brought back Craig 1.0.

I don't know why it bothers you what other people do.

Just be yourself, man.

It's all anyone wants. I'm being myself.

I'm having late nights at my house,

partying with everyone, and it's been a blast.

So for you to hate on fun is silly.

Whoa.

Craig has emerged.

You're the only unhappy person here

- because you're living a lie. - Okay.

You're the only one stuck in a relationship.

Happy people don't tear people down.

- [indistinct], Craig - You're not happy.

And here you are, tearing people down.

I hope you find happiness one day.

I hope you do too, Craig. I really do.

You dick.

Oh, my God.

That came out of nowhere, I felt.

I don't know if I was drooling with my mouth open

or I just spilled my drink.

I didn't mean for it to happen.

I have no----ing idea what just happened.

It just was, like, playful, sarcastic comments.

Isn't our whole friendship based on snarky comments?

He can never handle one.

I don't----ing get it.

But, like, I'm not going to let my evening be----ing ruined

by some insecure man boy.

Like, I'm going to sit here at a friend's----ing birthday

and be able to move on.

What are y'all - ing yelling about?

Austen cannot get over the fact that

I'm single and having fun, like...

And he's in a relationship he doesn't want to be in,

and he's trying to juggle that because he thinks

it's going to come out.

WHITNER: Can you help me with the door, Craig?

CRAIG: Yeah, I will.

WHITNER: There will be no more fighting at my birthday party.

Even though I'm a lawyer, I'm not a litigator,

so I don't, like, uh, conflict

because it just gets my blood pressure going.

So, like, not my circus, not my monkeys.

- Need help? - Yeah, please.

Are you okay?

- Me? - Yeah.

All right, are we sitting down?

Uh, yes.

I hear people were yelling from the inside.

It's just us communicating.

[laughing]

Beep, beep, beep.

I just want y'all to be friends and not fight.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm not arguing looking like this tonight.

[laughing]

Yeah, well, then sh--, beat his ass.

The thing that bugs me the most about Craig is that

he knows he can get away with murder,

and the group lets him.

And I don't, I can't be friends with someone like that.

Welcome to a Slagsvol dinner party.

Party animal.

It does go without saying that all of the styling was Venita.

Oh, thank you, Whit. It's gorgeous.

All right, now that the queen bee has taken her seat,

thank you, everyone, for playing along with the theme

and coming out in real full force for it.

Respect.

Seriously?

Mad's like, are you sure?

Who could miss the spitting image of Shep, the author?

A fun mirror.

You know, I look forward to another year around the sun

with all of you by my side.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, friend.

Can we eat?

Please----ing eat.

Ooh, I'm excited.

We have rigatoni.

Wow.

- Linguine with crab. - Nice.

We have cabbage.

We have angel hair pasta with no meat

for people who don't eat meat.

Wait, did you cook all of this?

The idea was initially circulated that

I would cook for everyone, and I...

laughed that one off aggressively.

Aggressively.

I thought you were going to pull stuff for me.

I mean, I would love to buy a piece,

but I'm so impulsive that...

No, I can bring things over.

You can look at it in the different spaces.

I would love that.

I do have, like, things that I will bring,

but it's easier if you, like, send me measurements and stuff.

I don't want to talk about work right now.

There's a throuple.

It's Salley, Charley, and Craig,

and I don't know who's jockeying for what position and why.

I can't read that room because I'm not in it.

The Bolognese is on point.

It's so good.

Oh, man, I already got sh-- all over my sh--.

Is Craig's eyeliner...

He's crying.

Oh, [bleep], stomping up the place.

Madison, I feel so far from you.

MADISON: I know.

I feel like your sh-- is down over here.

You're so far away.

Oh, she just rolled her eyes at you.

Are you all right?

Holy sh--, man.

Yeah, well, I mean, you would still do it.

Apologize.

Will you hold my gun?

This is, like, kind of heavier than I thought

- it was going to be. - CRAIG: I know.

That's...

I won't say it because then

he'll tell me that I'm, like, unhappy

and can't say, like, that's-what-she-said joke,

but it kind of was.

No, that means I'm unhappy,

and I shouldn't be in a relationship

because I say things like that.

Austen, keep running your mouth,

and Shep's gonna say something that's gonna ruin your life.

Oh, my God.

I won't say it.

But Shep will say something because he's told me about it.

It will literally ruin your life,

and that's how I know that you're not happy.

Because you wouldn't have done what Shep knows about

if you were happy,

and you wouldn't be talking [beep] to me.

I don't know about anything.

Craig, I'm not even mad at you.

- You just----ing popped off. - Of course you're not.

- You threw the first punch. - I didn't punch Craig.

Then why did you make a smart-ass comment?

Who cares?

I do.

- ing insane.

Listen, this is not the dinner I thought we were having.

No.

I mean, I think Craig crossed the line tonight.

Like, you've got to talk with him.

Like, how many times are we gonna---ing do this?

All right. All right.

Lord have mercy.

It's like, wow, what a birthday.

MADISON: Are you going in to mediate?

Shep, what do you have on Austen?

Shep, what do you have on Austen?

You know what happened? Here's what happened.

Two----ing 25-year-old girls in New York

came up to me, like, in the West Village.

It was like, you're a friend of Austen, blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, I don't want to know.

I don't care.

Leave me the [bleep] alone.

- So then it wasn't like... - It's totally unsubstantiated.

...you were out with him and something happened...

- Definitely not. - ...and, like...

Zero smoking gun.

It was so stupid and not newsworthy

that I just decided to not say anything.

But I did ask Craig.

I go, should I say something to him?

Because, like, I don't want to interrupt his peace.

Wrong person to ask, by the way.

But you've already done it, so...

SHEP: Yeah.

When I told Craig, he said, don't tell anybody.

Just let it melt away.

And now he threw me under the bus to strengthen his position.

CRAIG: It was gone.

It's just gone.

I just don't understand.

Like, why did you get so----ing heated so fast?

I said one thing, and it was so----ing slight.

You clearly are going through some stuff.

I sometimes think you take it out on other people.

That's it.

Holy sh--.

I said you had a late night with two hot girls.

You're gonna cry about it?

[bleep] it. What a pussy thing to be mad about.

I guess I feel constantly betrayed by you.

And now when I hear the slightest thing...

I mean, you said you were scared of me last year.

Do you know how - ed up that is?

I am terrified of Craig sometimes.

Anyone else scared of him?

- Yes. - Are you?

Sometimes.

- It was a big----ing-- - It's a lie.

You're not scared of me.

It's a lie. Are you scared of me?

Kind of. Yeah, Craig!

100% the part of Craig that scares me

is the unpredictability.

We clearly have way more work than we thought.

He can turn on a dime.

You just never know.

You never know.

Well, what would you like from me?

I want a bit of grace.

I want your friendship, dude.

Okay, at the end of the day, I shouldn't have said this stuff.

It happened, and I'm sorry.

But, like, you just - ing triggered me.

A real apology does not have a but attached to the end of it.

At a certain point, apologies are meaningless coming from him.

- Talk about a----ing lie. - I've already given Craig

the advice that Austen deserves an apology.

That was----ing crazy.

- Oh, you said that? - Yes.

You thought I was over here flirting with Craig?

- Molly. - I mean, I'm just saying it.

I already heard you've been having words to say about me.

- Ooh. - I didn't want to start it.

Because you were, like, coming for me.

When have I ever came for you?

No, like, let's be real right now.

[bleep].

I wanted to apologize for how I acted at your baby shower.

You know, Salley, like, brought it to my attention.

But the difference between me and you

is, like, I stated facts,

but you've been telling everyone that I'm calling

dibs on all the guys, which...

- who? - Ooh.

- So... - [indistinct].

Sorry, but----ing who?

Craig! Craig! Craig!

MOLLY: I just literally said what you said.

Those are the words that came out of your mouth.

Because if you're telling, like, Charley not to talk to Craig...

I would never do that.

You 100% said it, Salley.

If we're being honest...

You and Craig were talking a lot.

Like, if you're into him, you can go for it.

- I just want-- - I know.

I just want you to talk to me about it.

We did hash it out.

Then why are you acting like

you never----ing said any of that then?

- No, she's right. - You might have been drunk.

Like, you are a lot, and I think you probably forgot,

- which is fine. - Oh, no!

I don't want to say Salley is a pick-me girl, but...

she correlates her, like, self-worth

with validation from men.

And I think that creates a lot of drama.

I've just been in the hot tub living my life.

Like, what the [bleep] is going on?

SHEP: Should I go in there and talk?

Yeah, you should.

I guess I gotta come clean to Austen.

Yeah.

But I don't want Craig to be around.

- He'll spin it. - No.

Just say the truth and what you told him.

Go in there. What you scared of?

- Hey. - All right. Well...

- Well, Shep... - Come here.

...Has entered the conversation.

Here's what happened. Do you wanna know what happened?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- I'm in New York-- - Oh, I don't want

- to be a part of this. - Then don't.

- Then please, go. - Go outside.

I want to take a shot, is what I want to do.

- Take a shot. - Are they still arguing?

MOLLY: Craig, where the hell have you been?

What's happening?

CRAIG: This is not gonna be good.

I don't know.

AUSTEN: Tell me, mother----er.

What the [bleep] is going on, Shep?

I went up to two-- Okay, three weeks ago...

- Oh, God, dude. - Three weeks ago,

these two moron girls in New York come up to me like,

"Austen and our friend are talking."

I go, I don't want to know another word.

I want to know nothing.

And then I go, sh--.

And I called Craig.

Oh, that was your----ing move--

No, I did. I said, should I tell Austen and interrupt his peace?

What a----ing dinner party this is.

- It was hearsay. - I'm literally...

Stop it. Stop it. Listen to me.

And he goes, let's not say anything

because it will make him crazy

and I don't want to interrupt his peace.

And that's why I didn't want to tell you.

Come the [bleep] on.

There is absolutely no truth to the rumor

that I have cheated on my girlfriend,

which is why it upsets me so much

that my two friends could so callously spread just bullsh--.

I can't believe Shep's doing this.

Are you----ing kidding me?

I mean, you pushed Shep under the bus in front of everybody.

I'm not talking.

I gotta go. Bye.

- Where are you going? - Home.

Why are you mad at me?

Obviously, being pregnant and sober,

I'm seeing it from a totally different set of eyes.

Normally, let's be honest, I would be drunk too.

So to see this is a little terrifying.

Bye, Whit.

Now I'm just going to catch this on my way out.

- I didn't even say- - [indistinct]----ing assholes.

I kept it out of your mind.

- You told everyone else. - No, I didn't.

I told Craig. That's it.

Oh, that was the smartest move on planet Earth.

He's a friend of ours.

- Is he? - I don't know.

- Is he, Shep? - I don't know.

I hate this sh--.

I'm not going to be gaslit into thinking

I did anything wrong, 'cause I didn't.

I just notice when people aren't doing what they want to do.

Oh, my God.

CHARLEY: I'm going. Bye.

- No, really? - CHARLEY: Mm-hmm.

This sh-- sometimes gets - ing frustrating because

it just feels like the whole world,

I feel very misunderstood a lot,

and I feel like people come after me a lot.

Well, you don't deserve that.

- Yeah, I don't do anything-- - And I am here for you.

No, I appreciate it.

You need to understand, you are literally so great.

This is fun. I think we should just go.

[indistinct]

This was my first time having a party for myself

since the breakup with my ex-girlfriend

because I wanted to create new memories in my own house.

But, man, what are you going to do?

Shep will ruin your life because there's conjecture

that I talked to some - ing girl in New York.

Dude, so that's what he's talking about.

I talked to girls at the bar, and----ing Audrey knows,

and she tells me that she talks to guys at the bar.

Agreed.

So, like, the only way that I can have peace

is if I'm single and just chasing pussy every day

like you and----ing Craig now?

That's not what we're talking about.

Why even come around you----ing assholes?

Like, why even tell you guys anything?

I tried my hardest to not be involved with it.

Like, Austen loves to blame me for sh--, and I'm like,

this is a Shep thing.

What's happening?

He's, like, feels blindsided.

- I think he left. - No!

NARRATOR: Coming up...

Me and Charley went to Craig's house to get in the hot tub.

Mom!

[dog barking]

[barking]

I know, I know.

I know. We're hungry.

[barking]

I know, I know.

I wake up at 4:35 sharp every day

because I'm a creature of habit,

and routine is important to me.

4:45, I let Bacchus out to do his business.

It'd be a lot more useful

if you could pick up some sh--.

Around 5 o'clock, I'm out the door.

And I'll run for three, four miles, maybe longer.

Then I work out excessively.

Seven, I get home, I meditate.

When I'm done meditating,

I take a shower, get dressed,

and at around 8 o'clock, I'm out the door

with Bacchus on the way to the office.

Up, up.

I recognize I'm a lot.

But rituals keep me on task, keep me in the right direction.

Come on.

Because I'm a lawyer, I have a practice.

I do commercial, transactional-type legal work,

trademarks, that kind of stuff.

Gonna call my mom, hold all my calls.

Right, okay.

So I have to be on top of my sh--.

Yo, Whitner.

Hey, Mama.

Doing all right today, how are you?

Nothing, um, calling, talk, catch up,

see how France is doing.

Uh-huh.

God, that's nice.

Olive tree in the middle?

Classic.

I am a mama's boy through and through.

I am her favorite.

To the extent that, like,

me and my oldest sister, Law, will walk in the house,

and she'll squeal, run over, and give me a hug.

And Law is like, I'm right here.

Very sad I'm not there.

Absolutely.

We can do a farm weekend upon your return.

I grew up on a farm called Itchy Grass Farm.

It's 500 acres.

It has, like, the big house, which was my childhood home.

There's a couple of cabins, three cottages,

a barn, and, like, a really beautiful garden pool.

I mean, it's a compound.

The party was a success.

You would have been proud.

Try ask--

Thank you, Mom.

I am somewhat feeling the pressure of settling down

and doing the wife and kids thing.

I have all these great houses for you guys

to come back with your said partner.

- That was the plan. - That was the plan.

It was always the plan.

One of the sh--ty parts of the breakup

is not just losing the person, you're losing a whole future.

But I'm also recently only 36, so, like...

like, I'm fine with moving at my own speed.

What?

No, you don't have to do that, though.

You really, really don't.

You know what? Please go ahead and do it.

The floor is yours.

Oh, God.

[chuckling weakly] Good.

Boots, I don't know what is wrong with you today,

but you did something on this, too.

Got pee on my scrubs.

Pee on my comforter.

Come here.

You're going outside.

This is the weirdest thing you've ever done.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you?

You don't really have service.

Yeah, kind of.

I mean, no, you're not frozen. I can hear you.

Mom, guess what Boots just said?

I was just talking to Claire about the baby,

and Boots just pissed on me.

So weird.

I know. Is she having it today?

So I have two sisters, Charlotte and Claire,

and they're two years older than me.

But I think we all had kind of the same dream of,

you know, getting married young and having kids

and living all in Greenville together,

and they're still in Greenville, and they have husbands and kids.

So now I'm kind of thinking, like, okay, it's my turn.

Like, both my sisters have had kids.

It's my turn.

You all are just going to have to keep me updated.

Well, I'm going to clean my closet,

and I love the company, so now I'm just going to...

It was fun.

Me and Charley went to Craig's house after that

to get in the hot tub.

Didn't really get home until, you know, 5 a.m.

Well, yeah, I know, but...

Well, what else would we be doing?

Mom!

No, we literally just...

We literally just hang out in the hot tub.

It is so----ing surprising to me

that nothing has happened in this damn hot tub

because here I am, up until 4 a.m.,

which I never do, in your hot tub and...

I feel like all of these clothes in my closet

are Craig's clothes from getting in his hot tub

without having anything to wear.

Well, we go straight from the bar,

and we don't have our bathing suits.

Well, yeah, to get in the hot tub with.

I think it's just odd.

Like, what man has, like, an attractive,

younger female in their hot tub and doesn't make a move?

It's----ing weird, man.

Yeah, well, I didn't think I could either,

and then I've been doing it every weekend, so...

For the most part, if I go after a guy, I end up getting him.

It is what it is.

I'm trying.

I know. We'll see what happens.

MADISON: Coming up...

So, have you talked to Austen?

No, Austen hasn't talked to me or Shep since the party.

Did you apologize?

♪

♪

- MADISON: You wanna grill? - HUDSON: Yeah.

MADISON: All right, let's take everything out there.

Oh, it's at 350.

Perfect. That little one's for Karen.

This homemade Caesar salad.

No anchovy.

Anchovy.

The little fish.

The what?

That's what's on Caesar salad, anchovies.

You are full of it.

You gotta leave the table now.

I gotta grab him.

Hudson, he was three years old when I became a single mom.

It was just me and him for so long.

All right, let me grab you your shoes.

Which socks?

Okay, those work.

Hi-yah.

So, I think Hudson would have been jealous

if it would have been a boy,

but I think because it's a girl, he's a little more open.

I'm not gonna lie, you killed it.

Now I'm gonna put you in charge of that.

Brett's gonna be jealous.

Hm.

How you feeling?

I feel good. I'm ready for you to be home.

- BRETT: I know, tomorrow. - I thought it was Thursday.

I changed it to tomorrow.

- You did? - Yeah.

- Aww. - BRETT: Tomorrow.

It's been tough not having Brett around,

but he's working extra right now just so he's caught up

because he is going to be able to take a maternity leave

and it's gonna be three months straight.

I get to see the baby tomorrow.

I'm gonna get some better pictures for you.

Do the other ones scaring you?

Look like Green Goblin.

MADISON: One thing that I am nervous about

is the thought of having a preteen and a newborn

is a little terrifying.

Pray for me, that's all I can say.

- Cheers. Love you. - Love you.

Are we gonna miss this house, kinda?

Yeah, but I'm so excited to move.

- Are you? - HUDSON: That sick pool house.

That'll probably be my favorite part.

MADISON: Well, I hope that means

you're gonna bring everybody to our house.

I don't like you going to other people's houses.

I'd rather you just be home

so I can make sure you're being good.

I'm full.

MADISON: All right, we're gonna go clean up.

I cook the food, you clean.

Deal.

I have a place for you.

I thought I had a place for you.

[knocking on door]

- What's up? - Hi.

How's it going?

- Where's all the art? - Good to see you.

It's all in my car.

CRAIG: You want me to help you carry it?

- I brought so much stuff. - Good.

I got like 10 different pieces.

Are you in love with that pillow?

Yeah.

I like your yellow shirt.

Thanks, I like your red shorts.

- What? - Do you really?

You look like a boxer.

Like a cute boxer.

When I'm interested in a girl, I definitely play a long game.

And so, yeah.

Go be interested in what she's interested in.

It's between these two.

Do you want me to like hold it up?

Yeah.

I could just get my legs.

Wait, that actually works.

CHARLEY: Do you like it this way?

CRAIG: Straighten it a little bit.

Yeah, like that. Love.

Oh, that's cool.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Yes, I like Craig

and I definitely think he's interested in me, too.

But my thing is,

I don't feel like I should have to interpret anything.

Like, I might leave this one here, so you can just like...

- CRAIG: Get a feel for it? - Mm-hmm.

I hate decisions.

I feel like a guy should be like, I like you.

Let's hang out.

So, have you talked to Austen?

No, Austen hasn't talked to me or Shep since the party.

- CHARLEY: Really? - Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you yelled at him.

Yeah. Delivery was terrible.

It was awful.

It felt bad.

Good.

Look, I'm not gonna...

Like, sugarcoat it.

You've got 37-year-old men yelling at each other

about a hot tub.

Like, calm down.

That's crazy.

Did you apologize?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Maybe you should try again.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I just, I shouldn't have reacted, but I just, I'm like,

why does me hanging out with Charley and Sally

bother you?

Like, how is it any of your business?

Yeah.

And like, last year, the whole----ing year,

he had a problem with me, like, staying in.

If I'm going to get, like, a beer,

you're not on my phone call list.

You just, like, want to hide out.

Making money, getting healthy and----ing my girlfriend.

Like, that's what I want to do.

If you're a real friend,

you would be happy for someone for that.

I feel like we've dug ourselves such a hole

in the last few years that I don't know the way out.

And it really sucks.

We've never talked about everything

that happened last year.

Well, I think that whenever he does say something like that

that bothers you,

you just have to find a way to respond that's not,

- you know... - A ten.

- A hundred? - CHARLEY: That's not a ten.

And it's more like, that sucks that you just said that.

Like, I don't feel that way at all.

But, like, whatever.

Yeah. Austen's not going to change overnight,

and he might not ever change.

So, like, if I'm going to continue to be friends with him,

I can't just go----ing nuclear on him

because he says something I don't like.

Well, that's just, I mean, not just Austen,

but with anyone that you don't agree with.

I don't do that usually.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't want to make you angry.

Stop. I mean, I'm a highly passionate person, but...

MADISON: Coming up...

Maybe you call Austen and be like,

"Look, Shep knows that

"you might not want to talk to him or see him."

- All right, we'll see. - He probably won't answer.

[phone ringing]

♪

Okay.

Oh, my God.

How much----ing kitty litter am I going to have to buy?

[phone ringing]

Hey.

What's up?

I don't know, Madison.

I'm, like, I'm trying to not be all, like,

you know, down and, like, you know, sad when I have,

like, two little bundles of joy

that are about to come into my life.

MAN: So you're getting one cat? Two cats?

- Two girls. - Two girls, yeah.

That's actually the background of my phone.

MAN: Do you have names picked out?

AUSTEN: Piper and Martini.

What would you say if Piper jumps up on the counter?

Piper, no.

Yeah.

This is like a 15-year commitment.

But it's okay because I want to have some animals

that will never betray me and will be my friends,

you know, no matter what.

How I see friendship is

literally being there for somebody when they need you

and just, like, not betraying one another

just to make yourself - ing look better.

That is not friendship.

But now, like, I'm setting up, you know,

another water, you know, dish, right?

It's like a running water dish.

And a freaking manual for it is, like, 30 pages.

I mean, do you want to come over and meet the kitties

and yap with me and Rod at some point?

Yeah. All right.

Bye.

What the [bleep] is this?

Okay, buddy. You ready to meet some friends?

[dogs barking]

Yeah, this place is great.

Interactive dog park with beer.

Hey, buddy. You come around here often?

MAN: All the time. Check, please.

What you got there?

[indistinct] is your IPA.

- I'll try that. - All right.

- Hey. - Hi.

I got some snacks?

- Yeah. - You want some?

I'm okay.

Well, this place is amazing. Have you been?

- No. - Okay, coming into the big pen.

Hi. Ow, that was right in the crotch.

Oh, my God, there's pool and everything.

This is cute. Zoey, do you like it here?

[dogs barking]

SHEP: Look at Craig.

That's the greatest thing. Oh, my God, he's such a weirdo.

I wish Zoey did stuff like that.

That is the funniest thing.

Oh, Zoey's taking a sh--.

- SHEP: How are you? - MOLLY: I'm all right.

I'm just tired.

Yeah, it's been kind of an interesting couple days.

Yeah.

I hadn't heard any of these whispers of,

like, issues with Austen and Audrey.

And I'm great friends with Austen.

- He never confided in me. - Yeah.

But, like, I was approached in New York.

Obviously wasn't seeking any information.

But, um, I blabbered.

But I didn't do it with ill intent.

I just underestimated it.

Craig had the ill intent.

Yeah, Craig seemed to be the town crier on that one.

- Yeah. - SHEP: Craig and Austen have

a lot to sort out

and he used me a little bit

to drive the stake in.

But I'm the one that told Craig. It's on me.

It's on me.

The crazy thing is, I would bet a large sum of money

that Austen runs back into Craig's arms before mine,

even though I wasn't the one who did the deed.

Hi.

It's just this weird,

weird relationship that they have.

MOLLY: Y'all need couples therapy.

SHEP: Yeah, we need couples therapy.

Y'all need best friends therapy.

We get mad easily.

We know how to press each other's buttons.

And then we weaponize information

and share information that we, as friends,

shouldn't be shared.

Well, I mean, that's good.

You're at least, you feel bad.

You know, there are lots of people who don't feel bad

- for the things they do or say. - SHEP: Yeah.

MOLLY: I know they all care for each other so deeply,

but I think they've all got some weird----ing issues.

But, like, honestly, I've acted so sh--ty in my past

that if people didn't give me grace

and didn't allow me to grow and change

and be like, "I'm sorry," [bleep], I'd have no friends.

No one would hang out with me.

- SHEP: I called Austen today. - Oh, no.

He won't answer. It'll go straight to voicemail.

[phone ringing]

Dude, [bleep] off. Like, [bleep] off.

VOICEMAIL: Your call has been forwarded

to an automatic voice message system.

SHEP: You don't think I should call him.

I'd look stupid, right?

MOLLY: Yeah, I mean, if he's not answering,

then I feel like that's a...

Maybe you call him and be like,

look, you don't even have to say I'm here.

Be like, I met with Shep

and he knows that you might not want to talk to him

or see him, but, um...

I don't know. Now, I'm like using you--

I don't want to, like, lie and be like,

I met with Shep, even though he's right next to me.

- Yeah, let's give it a try. - All right, let's see.

- He probably won't answer. - Yeah, he might not answer.

Who knows what he's doing?

Yikes, this gives me the willies.

MOLLY: Are you anxious?

SHEP: I just hate that sinking feeling

knowing that someone else is hurt

and you're a part of that.

[phone ringing]

I really don't want to be a force for bad in this world,

especially if I care about somebody, you know?

[phone ringing]

Yeah, no.

Ugh.

MADISON: Coming up...

Shep and Craig, why do you give them so much----ing grace?

Because I thought that they were my real friends.

And that might be your first mistake.

♪

Oh, Piper. Welcome to the hood, baby.

Come on, Tini.

I know, I know.

AUSTEN: Rod?

Dad?

AUSTEN: I'm not ready for this.

Well, you better be,

because I don't have a return policy on this pussy.

Oh, my God, look at these two beauties.

[kittens meowing]

RODRIGO: Oh, my God.

My heart melts every time they...

Guys?

What? You want to explore?

She is so small.

Hey, Rod, I, like, want to show you the setup.

- RODRIGO: Yeah, let me see it. - AUSTEN: Upstairs.

Bring your basket with you too.

Tini's ready to go.

AUSTEN: So, like, this is kind of where I thought

that I could designate them.

Yeah.

AUSTEN: Oh, and Piper's under the bed already.

RODRIGO: Perfect.

So, what's the plan with Audrey?

She's going to come see them when?

I might drive there and bring the cats near to her.

I mean, I'm feeling like

I just, like, want to get out of town a little bit.

I called Audrey, and she was like, how's the dinner party?

I was like, well, you know,

my two great friends brought up some, you know,

baseless rumor, and she wasn't like, is this true?

- She was just like, I'm sorry. - Yeah.

AUSTEN: That sucks.

It feels amazing to have and support my girlfriend.

You know, security with me and Audrey is like, you know, here.

I mean, it's at the very, very top.

MADISON: Oh, goodness.

Hello?

Is that Madison?

Y'all, that was 100 stairs.

AUSTEN: Okay, hold on. I'm coming down.

Oh.

[Madison gasping]

Stop.

How freakin' cute are they?

- That one's Piper. - Yes, it is.

- Wow. - She's just scared.

I'd be scared, too, girl.

- Oh, oh, oh, here. - You got her, you got her.

It's fine.

I like babies, and I don't know about that.

- Hey. - Hey, babe.

AUSTEN: I'm gonna put you guys here, okay?

- Hey, you okay? - AUSTEN: Rod and I were just--

- You been crying? - AUSTEN: No.

No, we're just talking about his best friends.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's us.

AUSTEN: Can we come and sit in here, maybe?

You're gonna have cat hair everywhere.

What did you think about the New York part, Madison?

I mean, you looked shocked that most of the damn time.

Yeah, I was a little shocked.

I mean, for me,

and I know that you're gonna laugh when I say this,

but, like, in a way,

Craig, for the last few years, I mean, yeah,

I've looked up to him. I'm like, God, you've changed.

Like, you're doing well.

Like, your business is priority, your relationship.

And then to just kind of see him be so aggressive

and angry and quick to be just flip.

Yeah, he went left real fast.

MADISON: But he is still drinking.

That's where I'm like, don't go back to who you were.

Like, that was a horrible person.

That is, like, the Craig that, like, man, that we hated.

You left the bar because your ex-girlfriend told you to go.

No, that's not why.

You are----ing losing your goddamn mind.

You said, I'm taking the van. I'm taking the van to the house.

I don't want to get on a plane. I'm taking a plane.

- Shut up. - Craig, are you drunk?

- Dude. - CRAIG: What was that, Chelsea?

CHELSEA: Are you drunk?

You flew to Miami to [bleep] an ex-MLB player.

Are you----ing homewrecker?

- [bleep]. - Craig, Craig, calm down.

Just wait.

She's trash

and I hate being on the same stage as her.

Okay, just calm down, dude.

I thought Craig was working on, like, being sober.

And to see him kind of, like,

backtracking is a little unfortunate.

You know, Craig was making it sound like

Shep was there and witnessed you cheating.

But, like, it wasn't even that.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, I'm more saddened than anything.

I'm like, man, these are my two friends

and they were, like, so happy and willing

and ready to just, like, - ing sucker punch me.

You're shocked they threw you under the bus?

- Yeah, a little bit. - I'm not, honestly.

It's kind of a pattern at this point.

Anytime I feel like you're in a relationship

and these two idiots are single,

they will try to sabotage it or take it down no matter what.

Listen, Craig and Shep broke Austen and I up.

I just don't get what is, like, anchoring you

to this, like, sh--ty relationship.

She had her hooks back in you, man.

- She had an opening. - Yeah, why.

- Why? I want to know why. - I wanna know why

you can't understand.

Oh, my God, I can't. Nobody can.

Just be like, cut bait, see ya.

This is my last, like, resort.

I don't know what else to do other than tell you that,

unfortunately, you have to----ing walk away.

And now, because they're miserable,

they're gonna bring Austen down.

RODRIGO: You're their punching bag,

so why do you give them so much----ing grace?

I don't know, Rod.

Well, then cut the sh--.

Because I thought that they were my real friends, you know?

That might be your first mistake.

The other night just absolutely proved that to me.

I'm like, whoa, both of those dudes are just...

not my friends.

MADISON: Next time on Southern Charm...

Austen, he's not coming. He's in Charlotte.

He's not coming to the pool party?

I think he would feel uncomfortable here.

He----ing, he knows he started our fight.

Watch out!

You are being fucking sh--ty.

He's being----ing sh--ty.

You are sh--ty. Always. You----ing asshole.

A little love triangle is happening.

Does anybody sleep with anybody?

You're sleeping, aren't you?

What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub.