Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:09,139
[theme music]
2
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:10,445
- ♪ I'm goin' down
to South Park ♪
3
00:00:10,488 --> 00:00:12,403
♪ Gonna have myself a time
4
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:13,883
- ♪ Friendly faces
everywhere ♪
5
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,754
♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪
6
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:16,973
- ♪ I'm goin' down
to South Park ♪
7
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:18,888
♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪
8
00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:20,672
- ♪ Ample parking day
or night ♪
9
00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:22,457
♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor" ♪
10
00:00:22,544 --> 00:00:23,675
- ♪ I'm headin' on down
to South Park ♪
11
00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:25,808
♪ Gonna see
if I can't unwind ♪
12
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:29,072
- ♪ [mumbling] ♪
13
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,291
- ♪ Come on down
to South Park ♪
14
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,119
♪ And meet some friends
of mine ♪
15
00:00:34,773 --> 00:00:37,124
[festive music]
16
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:38,821
STAN: The past few months
have just been...
17
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,302
really awful.
18
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:42,955
There were these ICE raids
19
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:46,133
and my dad's company
went out of business.
20
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:47,873
Then we lost our house
and had to move
21
00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:51,094
into the old folks home
with my grandpa.
22
00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:52,748
It's like
everything keeps changing
23
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:55,446
and I really don't know
how to cope with it.
24
00:00:57,492 --> 00:00:59,102
- Uh-huh.
25
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,886
And how exactly do you feel
like shit has changed, bro?
26
00:01:01,017 --> 00:01:02,627
[guitar chords]
27
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:07,023
- Well, Jesus,
It just seems like
28
00:01:07,154 --> 00:01:08,720
people aren't really
as kind and giving
29
00:01:08,807 --> 00:01:10,374
as they used to be, you know?
30
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:12,115
Like, I just got some money
from Saudi Arabia
31
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:13,595
and I'm thinking of sharing it.
32
00:01:13,725 --> 00:01:16,467
'Cause I feel like that's what
everyone needs right now.
33
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:19,905
Like, a big Christmas miracle?
34
00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:24,388
- Sounds like some socialist
bullshit to me, bro.
35
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:25,781
[guitar chords]
36
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:27,043
- Jesus, I don't wanna live
37
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:28,697
in an old folks home anymore,
OK?
38
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:30,220
Now, I don't know what's
made you change like this,
39
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:33,484
but we need some
God damn Christmas magic!
40
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:36,747
- Hey, baby, I brought us
some Pinot Grigio!
41
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:38,620
- What took you so long?
[guitar chords]
42
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:41,536
- Don't be mad--I was out
doing my charity work!
43
00:01:41,622 --> 00:01:42,928
I'm a Christian,
44
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,800
so I sing to people in need!
[snorts]
45
00:01:44,930 --> 00:01:47,281
- Just shut up
and pour me that shit.
46
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,065
You wanna make
your life better, Stan?
47
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,762
Join the frickin' club!
48
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:53,200
This is the time of year we all
wish things were better.
49
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:55,723
But trust me,
nothing miraculous
50
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:58,640
is gonna happen to anyone.
51
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:01,643
[festive music]
52
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:04,559
♪ ♪
53
00:02:04,602 --> 00:02:06,387
- ♪ The crib is decorated
54
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:08,431
♪ And the nursery's
all planned ♪
55
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:12,393
♪ I put holly on the diapers
With all the love I can ♪
56
00:02:12,523 --> 00:02:14,351
♪ Tiny dreams in tinsel glow ♪
57
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:16,223
♪ What's more special than ♪
58
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:20,662
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
59
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:23,360
- Only days remain
until America meets
60
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,841
President Trump's demon spawn.
61
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:29,279
How Satan will give birth to
the butt baby is still unclear,
62
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:32,804
but everyone knows
the crap-out is coming.
63
00:02:32,848 --> 00:02:34,589
- ♪ Don the wipes
and mistletoe ♪
64
00:02:34,676 --> 00:02:36,460
♪ There's so much to be done ♪
65
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:40,464
♪ We'll drink eggnog and cocoa
when labor has begun ♪
66
00:02:40,551 --> 00:02:44,381
♪ So many reasons to be glad,
and I'll be having one ♪
67
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:48,472
♪ A new baby at Christmastime ♪
68
00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:52,259
♪ I will love the baby
and so will its dad ♪
69
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:55,827
♪ We will be so...
Wait a minute.
70
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:58,003
Where the hell is he?
71
00:02:58,134 --> 00:02:59,483
Donald?
72
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,616
Donald!
73
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:03,183
Where is Donald?
74
00:03:03,270 --> 00:03:04,575
- Oh, sorry, Satan.
75
00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:05,968
The President had to fly
to Colorado
76
00:03:06,011 --> 00:03:07,491
on an urgent matter.
77
00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:11,060
- An urgent matter?
Are you serious right now?
78
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,497
I told him this was the day
79
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,283
we were going to sing songs
and decorate the nursery!
80
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:18,459
What is he doing
that's more urgent than that?
81
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:21,070
- Sorry, it's all high-level
classified stuff.
82
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:23,028
Even we don't have clearance
to know what he's doing.
83
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:26,858
- He is such a piece a shit!
84
00:03:26,902 --> 00:03:30,297
He does this to me
all the time!
85
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:34,953
I'm about to have this baby,
and he's out fucking around!
86
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:38,870
- Hormones, huh?
87
00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:41,090
- It is strange
that the President hasn't
88
00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:43,614
even informed me
why he's going to Colorado.
89
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,573
- Well, the President said
it's top secret
90
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:47,923
and only he and
the vice president can know.
91
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,621
Whatever they're doing...
92
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:55,235
must be part of an extremely
covert military operation.
93
00:03:55,322 --> 00:03:59,456
[bells ringing]
94
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:01,458
- Merry Christmas!
95
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,156
Relax, guy!
96
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:07,899
Hey-hey-hey!
Relax, guy!
97
00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:10,902
- OK, Boss, this is the place.
98
00:04:10,946 --> 00:04:13,296
That is the police station
over there.
99
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:15,690
That's where they are keeping
Peter Thiel.
100
00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:17,995
- All right,
we just gotta keep it quiet.
101
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:20,738
Nobody can know
I want to kill this baby--ope!
102
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:23,263
Merry Christmas!
Hey-hey-hey!
103
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,655
Relax!
104
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:29,269
Are you sure this
Peter Thiel can do it?
105
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:30,705
- Yes, Boss.
106
00:04:30,792 --> 00:04:32,924
But we must find a way
to break him out
107
00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:34,274
of that police-
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
108
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,276
Happy holidays!
109
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,452
Hey-hey-hey!
110
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:41,672
- Oh, I'm sorry, I don't have
any spare change, mkay?
111
00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:43,500
The government cut
school funding
112
00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:45,546
so I lost my job.
113
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,199
Then, you know,
everything costs more
114
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:50,377
with all the tariffs,
and my health care got cut,
115
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:54,163
so I'm just struggling
like a lot of Americans are.
116
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:59,081
- All right,
well, Merry Christmas!
117
00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:01,736
[bells ringing]
118
00:05:01,823 --> 00:05:03,346
- We better hurry, Boss.
119
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:04,826
The town might be onto us,
120
00:05:04,956 --> 00:05:07,002
and the crap-out could be
any minute now.
121
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:08,786
- OK, let's synchronize
our watches.
122
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:12,747
It's time to complete
Operation Kill My Own Baby!
123
00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:19,057
- ♪ I'll be home
for Christmas ♪
124
00:05:19,188 --> 00:05:25,499
♪ If only in my dreams,
my dreams, my holiday dreams ♪
125
00:05:25,629 --> 00:05:28,153
Hello, seniors,
I'm Peggy Rockbottom
126
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:30,460
here to spread
a little holiday cheer.
127
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:33,811
You know, sometimes we forget
the reason for the season.
128
00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:36,074
But there's only one man
in my life,
129
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,728
and that man is Jesus Christ.
130
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:39,339
And I wrote this song for him.
131
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:41,515
[jaunty music]
132
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:44,518
♪ A Christian woman knows
her place ♪
133
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:47,433
♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
134
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:51,002
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
135
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:53,875
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
136
00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:56,747
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
137
00:05:56,791 --> 00:06:00,577
♪ Saying merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
138
00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:03,319
Come on, seniors, sing along!
139
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,540
♪ A Christian woman knows
her place ♪
140
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,281
ALL: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
141
00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:12,459
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
142
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:15,462
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
143
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:18,682
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
144
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:23,034
♪ To say merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
145
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,570
- I don't know
if you can hear me,
146
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,659
but I've been kind of wishing
for a Christmas miracle.
147
00:06:42,837 --> 00:06:45,622
If miracles can
still even happen,
148
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:48,756
please, make it happen now.
149
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,295
ALL: Yay!
150
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,645
- Look, guys, it's Stanny!
151
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,821
ALL: Stanny!
152
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,301
- Oh, no!
153
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:15,565
- Did you miss us, Stan?
- Oh, no!
154
00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:23,051
- That son of a bitch.
155
00:07:23,094 --> 00:07:27,316
I could give birth any minute.
156
00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:29,579
"Oh, hey, Satan,
you about to go into labor?
157
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,320
"OK, how about
you go do everything,
158
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,974
and I'll do nothing?"
159
00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:36,194
Oh, yeah, great idea, Donald!
Just like you always do.
160
00:07:36,325 --> 00:07:41,112
Ugh.
God, he is so disgusting.
161
00:07:41,156 --> 00:07:43,550
Ugh, he's such a pig!
162
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,513
A blue jock strap?
163
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:53,473
He doesn't wear
a blue jock strap.
164
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:56,127
Who does this belong to?
165
00:07:56,258 --> 00:08:00,001
TOWELIE: Vance.
166
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:04,875
It's Vance.
167
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:08,357
They're together.
168
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:11,229
- What are you talking about?
169
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:16,321
- They just wanna
kill the baby.
170
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:17,758
- What?
171
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:23,633
- The President...Vance...
so much sex.
172
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,243
- I can't understand you
'cause you're covered
173
00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:26,506
in dried-up milk!
174
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,291
- It's not milk.
175
00:08:29,378 --> 00:08:31,032
- Eww!
176
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:41,563
- Oh!
[coughing]
177
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:44,785
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God!
178
00:08:44,915 --> 00:08:47,439
- Tell me everything you know!
179
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:50,834
- I will, but first...
please...
180
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:55,622
I need to get...
just a little high.
181
00:08:58,842 --> 00:09:00,191
- Go away!
182
00:09:00,278 --> 00:09:02,411
[critters clamoring]
183
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,586
- What do you guys want?
184
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:05,588
- Well, didn't you hear, Stan?
185
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,851
Satan's gonna give birth
to the antichrist!
186
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,201
- Yeah,
he's gonna have a butt baby
187
00:09:10,245 --> 00:09:12,987
and there's gonna be
a big crap-out!
188
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:15,163
- And nobody loves a crap-out
more than us!
189
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,208
[all cheering]
190
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:18,296
- Wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait.
191
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,820
This doesn't make any sense!
192
00:09:19,863 --> 00:09:21,125
You guys are just something
that Cartman made up
193
00:09:21,212 --> 00:09:23,258
in his head!
194
00:09:23,388 --> 00:09:26,304
- Aww, are you really gonna
overanalyze a crap-out?
195
00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:28,568
- No way!
Crap-outs have no rules!
196
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:30,221
ALL: Yay!
197
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:32,702
- All right, y'all,
Stan wished us here
198
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:35,575
to help the Prince of Darkness,
so we gotta do what he says.
199
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,402
- I didn't wish for that!
200
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:39,187
I didn't know anything
about Satan having a baby
201
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:40,754
or crap-outs.
202
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,886
- But you asked
for a Christmas miracle, Stan!
203
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,628
And this crap-out's gonna
make everything better!
204
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:48,892
- It is? Are you sure?
205
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,460
- Of course!
Crap-outs are the best!
206
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:53,549
- Come on!
Let's get to it!
207
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,683
ALL: Yay!
208
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:59,337
- [inhaling]
209
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:01,601
Oh, it's been so long.
210
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:03,254
[exhales]
211
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:05,430
So then Vice President Vance,
212
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:07,084
he doesn't want you
to have the baby, right?
213
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:09,347
'Cause he thinks
your baby is gonna hurt
214
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:12,133
his chances
of becoming president.
215
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:15,789
So he convinces Trump to try
to get rid of the baby himself,
216
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:20,358
but every time he tries,
he gets blocked by the FCC.
217
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:24,101
- If he didn't want the baby,
why didn't he tell me?
218
00:10:24,145 --> 00:10:26,277
- They couldn't let anyone know
they wanted to get rid
219
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:29,411
of the baby because, you know,
Republicans, abortions--
220
00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:30,891
it's a bad look.
221
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,370
- [growls]
222
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:33,937
- So then Vance gets this guy
Peter Thiel
223
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:36,374
to get rid of the baby,
and Thiel's about to come do it
224
00:10:36,505 --> 00:10:38,072
when Pam Bondi
suddenly finds out
225
00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:39,769
there's a plot
to kill the baby.
226
00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:43,947
So crazy, man.
You can't write this shit.
227
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,819
- What did I ever see in him?
228
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,995
- So then The President,
he's pissed off at Vance.
229
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:50,475
He says, you've been
lying to me, but Vance says,
230
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,738
I was just trying
to protect you,
231
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,304
and then they start having sex
232
00:10:53,391 --> 00:10:54,654
over and over
and over and over---
233
00:10:54,697 --> 00:10:57,569
- Enough!
234
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:01,182
The president hath deceived me.
235
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,054
He hath deceived us all.
236
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:07,188
And I shall make him pay.
237
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:12,628
- Oh, hell yeah, man.
Let's go get that motherfucker.
238
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:17,938
- ♪ What a special time,
it's a special day ♪
239
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:19,330
♪ It's a Woodland Critter
Christmas ♪
240
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:20,897
- Crap-out!
241
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:28,775
- Hey! Merry Christmas!
242
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:33,214
- Merry Christmas!
- Happy Holidays! Relax, guy!
243
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,825
Hello, we're with
the Salvation Army!
244
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:37,479
We brought some food
for your prisoners!
245
00:11:40,830 --> 00:11:44,181
- Food for the prisoners?
- Hey, relax, guy!
246
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:46,444
This is the time of year
to give to the needy!
247
00:11:46,575 --> 00:11:49,099
We brought 'em this cake!
- We don't need your cake!
248
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,885
The president's gonna come
for us, and he's gonna--oof!
249
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:53,582
- Well, I guess
there's no harm.
250
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,149
Mitch, let 'em in.
251
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:57,978
- Hey, thanks, buddy!
252
00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,719
ALL: ♪ We're headin'
for a crap-out ♪
253
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,416
♪ Crap-out, crap-out ♪
254
00:12:01,546 --> 00:12:04,767
♪ We smell a crap-out
comin' soon ♪
255
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:07,683
♪ Don't take the hard route
- ♪ Just get to the crap-out
256
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:10,730
ALL: ♪ Satan's gonna crap out
his anal womb ♪
257
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,688
- OK, hold on a second.
258
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,603
You said that Satan
was in Washington, D.C.
259
00:12:14,646 --> 00:12:16,953
- Yeah, he was,
and now he's about to be here!
260
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,607
- But how can you know that?
261
00:12:18,694 --> 00:12:20,609
- Oh, for Pete's sake, Stanny,
will you just get on board
262
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,566
with the crap-out already?
263
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:23,220
- Don't worry, Stanny.
264
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:25,179
Everything has been foretold
and nothing can stop
265
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:26,658
the antichrist from coming.
266
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:27,964
- Except, of course,
for Peter Thiel!
267
00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,270
[critters jeering]
268
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,793
- P-P-P-Peter Thiel!
269
00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:32,621
- Wait, you mean
the six seven guy?
270
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,928
- You know Peter Thiel?
271
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,930
- Yeah, he did a big dumb
assembly at the school.
272
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,496
- He's here?
273
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:39,976
- What are you gonna do,
Stanny?
274
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,978
- Are you gonna kill him
and eat him?
275
00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:43,240
- All right, look.
276
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:44,633
If I'm gonna get
on board with something,
277
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,722
I need it make at least
a little bit of sense.
278
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,246
- Well, OK, Susan Sontag,
we'll make sure
279
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,205
it all lines up perfectly
for ya.
280
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:53,642
ALL: Yay!
281
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,995
- Peter Thiel to Red Dragon.
282
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:00,867
Come in, Red Dragon.
283
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:03,260
- Go ahead, guy.
This is Red Dragon.
284
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:05,175
- I got the walkie in the cake.
285
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,177
Awaiting further instructions.
286
00:13:07,221 --> 00:13:08,483
- Excellent.
287
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:10,311
Just stand by, and we'll
find a way to get you out
288
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,834
so you can kill my baby.
289
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,357
Let's synchronize our watches.
290
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,577
SATAN: Donald!
291
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,100
- Uh-oh.
292
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:21,496
- You have lied to me.
293
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:25,195
- Satan! We were just doing
some charity work!
294
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:27,284
- Yeah, I don't think so!
295
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:32,550
I told Satan every detail
of your expertly-crafted plot.
296
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,944
- Boss, it's your cum rag!
297
00:13:35,075 --> 00:13:37,991
- I stayed with you
while you two are fucking
298
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:39,557
behind my back?
299
00:13:39,688 --> 00:13:42,604
Did Donald tell you
he has genital warts?
300
00:13:44,475 --> 00:13:47,130
- [laughs]
Hey, relax there, guy.
301
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:48,566
- Look, there he is!
302
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,133
- It's Satan!
303
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:53,006
ALL: Yay!
304
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:55,095
- Just as
the prophecy foretold!
305
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:57,140
- Towelie? What's going on?
306
00:13:57,184 --> 00:14:01,101
- What's going on is the most
exquisitely woven tapestry
307
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:04,495
of ideas
that you've ever seen, man.
308
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:09,283
- Your deception is over,
Donald, and so are we.
309
00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:12,025
This child will be born.
310
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:15,115
And for once,
you are going to have to live
311
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:18,205
with the consequences
of your actions.
312
00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:22,862
[whooshing]
313
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,658
- Keep your hands off
my president, bro.
314
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:41,097
- Whoa! It's Jesus Christ!
315
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,707
ALL: Aww!
316
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,535
- This happens to be
a great man
317
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:47,060
who's protecting our country
from fags.
318
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:49,105
- What the hell happened
to Jesus?
319
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:51,151
- He's all Christian now.
320
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:55,938
- This man is a con artist,
and I will deal with him!
321
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:59,159
- Don't think so, bro!
322
00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:04,033
Yeah! America! Whoo!
[guitar chords]
323
00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:11,301
- Oh, my God, this just keeps
getting crazier.
324
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:14,478
- [groaning]
325
00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:19,222
- What's wrong, Satan?
326
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:23,574
- It's the baby.
I think it's coming.
327
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:26,664
- Oh, wow, y'all, it's time!
- What do we do, Stan?
328
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:27,970
- I don't know!
329
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,929
You gotta get him
to a hospital!
330
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:38,372
- Oh, boy! The big crap-out
is almost here!
331
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:41,723
- I can hardly wait!
Can hardly wait!
332
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:43,246
- Look, it's the doctor!
333
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:44,987
ALL: Yay!
334
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,815
- All right,
we're almost ready.
335
00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,382
We just wanna run
a quick ultrasound,
336
00:15:48,469 --> 00:15:50,253
and we'll get you into the OR.
337
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:55,737
- Doctor, we must hurry.
There are evil forces at work.
338
00:15:57,608 --> 00:16:02,135
[guitar chords]
339
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:05,051
- All right!
This guy's incredible!
340
00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:08,184
OK, now set Peter Thiel free!
341
00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:12,319
[guitar chords]
342
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:15,061
- Mr. President! What happened?
- I don't know!
343
00:16:15,148 --> 00:16:17,411
I got another Christian dipshit
to help me get what I want!
344
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:18,760
Let's go, Christianity!
345
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,285
- Then we can proceed.
346
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:23,852
We have very little time
to stop
347
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,506
the antichrist from coming.
348
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,508
- Boss, just so you know,
349
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:30,467
I don't care if my asshole
is filled with genital warts.
350
00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:31,991
I still love you.
351
00:16:36,038 --> 00:16:38,258
- I can't believe
he turned out to be
352
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:40,912
this big of a piece a shit.
353
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:44,177
I seriously fall
for the worst guys.
354
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:47,745
- Now, now, Satan, you need
to save your strength!
355
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:50,487
- I mean,
I knew he sucked, OK?
356
00:16:50,531 --> 00:16:53,403
I knew it, but I didn't think
he would go this far.
357
00:16:53,447 --> 00:16:56,667
I am so stupid.
- No! You're not stupid!
358
00:16:56,754 --> 00:16:59,888
Stanny,
tell Satan he's not stupid.
359
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:02,978
- You're not stupid.
- No, I'm stupid!
360
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,980
I saw how he treated everyone,
361
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:07,287
but I was willing to look
the other way.
362
00:17:07,329 --> 00:17:11,464
All because I just wanted
my Christmas miracle.
363
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:13,510
- Your Christmas miracle?
364
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:15,556
- My little baby.
365
00:17:15,685 --> 00:17:20,691
The only thing in my life
that could actually be good.
366
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:23,912
But now Donald has Jesus
on his side,
367
00:17:24,042 --> 00:17:26,480
and we'll never be free.
368
00:17:27,829 --> 00:17:29,570
- Satan's right.
369
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:33,008
If the President has Jesus
on his side, he's unstoppable!
370
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,705
- It's only a matter of time
371
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:37,230
before they come here
and ruin everything.
372
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:38,883
ALL: Aww!
373
00:17:39,014 --> 00:17:40,537
- Now, don't be down, y'all.
374
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:43,671
We have our own secret weapon.
- That's right!
375
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:47,327
They might have Jesus,
but we've got Stan!
376
00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:48,937
ALL: Yay!
377
00:17:53,768 --> 00:17:55,030
- ♪ What a special time,
it's a special day ♪
378
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,510
♪ It's a Woodland Critter
Christmas ♪
379
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,947
- Crap-out! Yeah! Let's go!
380
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,863
[dramatic rock music]
381
00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:07,129
♪ ♪
382
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:09,175
- Let's do this!
383
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:11,394
- Oh, no, here they c-c-c-come!
384
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:15,833
- What are we gonna do?
385
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,664
- Where is room 6-7?
386
00:18:22,362 --> 00:18:23,319
Thank you!
387
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:27,671
[guitar wailing]
388
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,151
[elevator dings]
389
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:32,546
[music playing faintly]
390
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:35,418
[elevator dings]
391
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:38,421
[music builds]
392
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:41,076
♪ ♪
393
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,121
[music stops abruptly]
394
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:49,215
- Hey, kid! Get out of the way!
- No.
395
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:52,000
If you wanna get to Satan,
you'll have to go through us.
396
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,915
I am fully embracing
this crap-out.
397
00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:55,830
ALL: Yay!
398
00:18:55,873 --> 00:18:59,312
- Do not listen to these foul
creatures of darkness, child!
399
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:01,575
- I don't know
who to listen to anymore.
400
00:19:01,662 --> 00:19:03,577
All I know is,
I might as well help someone
401
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:05,100
get their Christmas miracle.
402
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:07,885
'Cause nobody's helping me
with mine.
403
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,018
At least that's what
Christmas used to mean.
404
00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,454
Trying to make things
a little easier
405
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:13,021
for someone else who needed it.
406
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,327
I don't know what happened
407
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,024
to your Spirit of Christmas,
Jesus.
408
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:19,941
Let's face it, you gave up,
and now you've hit rock bottom.
409
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:24,075
- Hey, I didn't hit her, OK?
410
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:27,035
I mean, all right, maybe I did!
411
00:19:27,122 --> 00:19:28,906
But Peggy was asking' for it!
412
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,822
- That's actually not at all
what I was talking about.
413
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:34,564
- No. You're right.
414
00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:36,436
You're right, my child.
415
00:19:36,566 --> 00:19:38,960
I gave up and I lost faith.
416
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,570
I don't want to do this.
417
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:43,573
- Hey!
Don't forget I can sue you!
418
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:48,622
- Then go ahead and sue me.
419
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:52,582
I'm not going
to be afraid anymore.
420
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:54,018
- Excuse me, everyone.
421
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:55,803
Sorry--sorry to interrupt,
422
00:19:55,846 --> 00:20:00,024
but I'm afraid we have
some really bad news.
423
00:20:00,068 --> 00:20:03,376
- What?
- What? What happened?
424
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,508
- We've looked
at the ultrasound, and...
425
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:08,511
it appears that at some point
when nobody was watching,
426
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:10,861
the baby hung itself
and took its own life.
427
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:15,257
- What?
- What are you talking about?
428
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,477
- I'm afraid you can
see it all in the video.
429
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,696
The baby got ahold
of some bedsheets.
430
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:21,220
There's a couple minutes
missing from the ultrasound,
431
00:20:21,263 --> 00:20:23,178
but it's definitely a suicide.
432
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:24,962
- You gotta be kidding me!
433
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,834
The baby hung itself?
434
00:20:26,877 --> 00:20:30,316
- Boss! Boss! It's a miracle!
435
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:31,926
- But does that mean
436
00:20:32,056 --> 00:20:35,321
there's not gonna be
a crap-out?
437
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:38,541
ANNOUNCER: This is a Fox News
special alert.
438
00:20:38,672 --> 00:20:41,327
- Fox News has just
received confirmation
439
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:44,330
that the unborn child
of Satan and President Trump
440
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,680
has decided to take
the easy way out
441
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,377
and end its own life.
442
00:20:48,508 --> 00:20:50,553
- Definitely an unfortunate
turn of events.
443
00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:53,077
Fox News has
analyzed the ultrasound.
444
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:56,124
You can see the baby probably
considering suicide right here
445
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,691
and then--
a little bit missing--
446
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,127
and it killed itself.
447
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,998
Obvious confirmation
of suicide.
448
00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:02,783
You can see
a little chair there.
449
00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:05,133
Just what babies do sometimes.
450
00:21:05,220 --> 00:21:08,136
- That's right, and if you
or someone you know
451
00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:10,791
is a fetus
contemplating suicide,
452
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:14,360
we urge you to call Fox News
as much as you possibly can.
453
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:16,492
- In the meantime,
all our thoughts and prayers
454
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,364
are with the president tonight,
455
00:21:18,451 --> 00:21:20,757
Who will be holding a funeral
for his unborn child
456
00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:22,803
at the White House.
457
00:21:22,933 --> 00:21:25,762
[upbeat festive music]
458
00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:32,726
♪ ♪
459
00:21:34,815 --> 00:21:36,382
- Hey, Merry Christmas!
460
00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:38,732
Did you hear the news?
The baby's dead!
461
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:41,343
- Yes, Mr. President,
we are so sorry.
462
00:21:41,474 --> 00:21:43,519
- Happy holidays!
The baby's dead!
463
00:21:43,606 --> 00:21:45,739
- Are you OK, sir?
464
00:21:45,782 --> 00:21:50,483
- Yeah, it's really hard!
Here, have a cigar!
465
00:21:50,613 --> 00:21:52,572
Hey, Pam! Merry Christmas!
The baby's dead!
466
00:21:52,702 --> 00:21:54,965
PAM: You're so strong,
Mr. President.
467
00:21:55,052 --> 00:21:57,098
And you're taking it
really well.
468
00:21:57,141 --> 00:21:59,753
- Hey! Thanks, Pam!
469
00:22:01,494 --> 00:22:04,323
[soft piano music]
470
00:22:04,410 --> 00:22:11,591
♪ ♪
471
00:22:43,884 --> 00:22:46,800
[upbeat festive music]
472
00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:50,369
♪
473
00:22:50,456 --> 00:22:55,112
I win! I win! I win again!
474
00:22:55,156 --> 00:23:02,119
♪
475
00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:12,695
- Christmas letters from home.
Here you go.
476
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:14,697
Some Christmas joy
from your loved ones.
477
00:23:14,828 --> 00:23:16,569
There you go.
478
00:23:16,612 --> 00:23:18,353
Hey, there's one for you today.
479
00:23:27,928 --> 00:23:30,409
JESUS: Dear Stan,
I'm writing this
480
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:32,933
because I owe you an apology
481
00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:35,544
and a thank you.
482
00:23:35,675 --> 00:23:38,286
You asked
for a Christmas miracle,
483
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,462
and I didn't listen.
484
00:23:40,593 --> 00:23:42,725
So now, go to this address.
485
00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:44,031
- No way.
486
00:24:16,846 --> 00:24:19,066
Thank you.
Thank you!
487
00:24:19,196 --> 00:24:21,155
[twinkling]
488
00:24:21,285 --> 00:24:24,985
- I'll be here, Stan,
watching over everybody.
489
00:24:25,028 --> 00:24:26,508
Be good.
490
00:24:26,552 --> 00:24:28,858
And remember,
never give up on the things
491
00:24:28,902 --> 00:24:30,338
that you commit to.
492
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,340
- He's so great, isn't he?
493
00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,603
Merry Christmas, everyone!
494
00:24:34,734 --> 00:24:37,519
Let's all have
the happiest holidays!
495
00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:40,609
♪ A Christian Woman knows
her place ♪
496
00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:43,569
BOTH: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
497
00:24:43,612 --> 00:24:46,920
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
498
00:24:46,963 --> 00:24:49,749
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
499
00:24:49,792 --> 00:24:52,795
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
500
00:24:52,882 --> 00:24:56,625
♪ Saying Merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
501
00:24:56,756 --> 00:24:59,193
PEGGY: Come on, seniors,
sing along!
502
00:24:59,323 --> 00:25:02,413
♪ A Christian woman knows
her place ♪
503
00:25:02,544 --> 00:25:05,155
ALL: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
504
00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:08,637
♪ 'Cause I deserve it,
I was wrong ♪
505
00:25:08,768 --> 00:25:11,379
♪ That's why I wrote
this holiday song ♪
506
00:25:11,422 --> 00:25:14,817
♪ With my big fake tits
and my Botox lips ♪
507
00:25:14,861 --> 00:25:18,212
♪ To say merry Christmas,
Jesus Christ ♪
508
00:25:18,342 --> 00:25:20,910
PEGGY: ♪ A Christian woman
knows her place ♪
509
00:25:20,954 --> 00:25:24,174
ALL: ♪ So go ahead
and punch me in the face ♪
510
00:25:24,261 --> 00:25:25,959
♪ 'Cause I deserve it ♪
37294
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof