Original subtitles

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions

# Then, brother, I'm your man

# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea

# But here's the one what's driving me berserk

# Why do only fools and horses work? #

— (ALBERT) I wish Rodney was still with ya. ~ (DEL) So do I.

- Your suitcase is giving me backache. - Your moaning's giving me heartache!

- I fought for this country. — Did ya? How d'you get on?

What are we waiting for?

I'll tell you what we're waiting for.

The security people change at 12 o'clock and the new lot start on the bottom floor,

which gives us a chance to flog on the top floor.

Pick it up. Chop—chop.

What you got in this suitcase? "Ooky gear?

Hooky...? How dare you?

I don't deal in stuff like that — not since I met Raquel.

I wouldn't get her involved in anything like that.

— So what you worried about? - I'm an unlicensed trader, aren't I?

Many, many moons ago, a local magistrate and I had a sort of misunderstanding

and he banned every council in London from issuing me with a trader's licence.

So I've gotta flog where and when I can.

- Can I go and get something to eat? - No, you cannot. You're my lookout.

— Raquel's making us something later. - But I'm "ungry now!

Gordon Bennett! All right. "Ere you go.

— Go and get a couple of hamburgers. - No, thank you. I'm takin' no chances.

— Say I caught mad cow disease? - Who the "ell is gonna notice?

(BUZZER)

(BUZZER)

(TINNY MUSIC)

Michelle.

Michelle?

(MUSIC OFF)

Are you going to the burger bar for lunch?

Michelle, I don't think you fully got the gist of my question.

I am the head of the computer section.

You are the secretary to the head of the computer section.

So when the head of the computer section

asks the secretary whether she is going to the burger bar,

what the head of the computer section is saying is,

"Go to the burger bar during your lunch hour

"because the head of the computer section is starving bloody hungry."

- You want me to go to the burger bar? - Yes. If it's not too much trouble.

I fancy the juiciest, greasiest burger they got.

But Mr Coleman's coming in to see you.

Yes, I know. That is why I cannot get out and I need food bringing in.

No. What I'm trying to say is, do you want to invite Mr Coleman, an important client,

into an office that stinks of onions and grease?

Michelle, my office...

If...

Thanks very much, Michelle. Do carry on with whatever you're doing.

They look very nice. You'd make Freddy Krueger jealous.

Raquel!

— How are you doing? - Hi, Rodney.

— Fancy a coffee? — I gotta get this home.

- I'll get a driver to give you a lift. - You sure?

Yeah. "Course. I'll get the kettle on.

She's got bags of food. I'll mug her.

- You ready, then? - No, no, no.

Selling is all about timing.

Haven't you seen them nature programmes with Richard Attenborough?

You see the lion lying in the undergrowth watching as a flock of antelope go by.

well, they...

they are my antelope.

And, like the Lion, I know when the time is right.

I instinctively know the optimum moment in which to make my move.

Then and only then will I strike.

Yeah.

- During the war... — Here we go, then.

Come on. You'd better get into your lookout position. Over there.

— What do you want me to do? - What do you mean?

You're a lookout, so you look out, don't ya?

I meant if I see the security blokes, what should I say?

I don't particularly mind what you say.

You can say, "Thar she blows," "Ship ahoy" or "Man overboard" for all I care.

As long as I don't get my collar felt.

Stone me, this "hands on" management lark gives me the right 'ump sometimes.

Let's have that up here. Should do all right with this stuff.

They'll be falling over themselves for this gear.

Thanks a lot. Give us ten minutes 'cause she's just finishing her coffee. Cheers.

- Your van awaits. - Thanks.

— Are you coming for dinner next week? - If it's all right.

Yeah. Sorry it's taken so long to invite you.

We was gonna pop round. Del said you was back in town and living with...

..staying at the flat with him...and Albert.

— When did you get back? — Couple of weeks ago.

— I was in America... - Hold on.

America?

- Didn't Del say? - No.

It was wonderful. We were doing this tour of "My Fair Lady".

— I was a flower seller. — Cosmic.

Very cheap and cheerful, but I was seeing the world.

We did Atlantic City, Miami, New Orleans.

- Suddenly I got this urge to come home. - To Del?

— Yes, to Del. - I wouldn't come home from New Orleans for Del.

I wouldn't come home from the New Forest!

You don't see him the way I do. He's lovely.

There are many words I could use to describe Derek, but lovely is not one of them.

— How's the old sod keeping? — He's fine.

- He seems...quieter than when I met him. — Del?

Raquel, some years ago, Del went to a monastery and took a vow of loudness.

Oh, that's not fair.

He has changed. Not so loud and brash as he used to be.

Gather round! Gather round! Here he is again.

The crusader against inflation with another bargain.

This magnificent little doll would probably cost you £35 up there in Oxford Street.

But you know my motto. My motto is "West End goods at Southend prices".

Listen. If I offered you this little doll here for £10,

you'd probably rip my arm off at the elbow to get at it.

But because I'm in a festive mood, I'm gonna let you have this doll at a bargain price.

I'm not gonna ask you for ten quid. I'm not gonna ask you for eight.

I'm going to ask you for £7.50.

Here it goes. First come, first served. I haven't got many. Come on.

What is the matter with you? Don't you see a bargain?

This is not your foreign rubbish. This is handmade in Great Britain.

The British toy industry reckons this is the most lifelike doll they've ever seen. Look.

Look at this. A genuine little baby bottle.

You can feed her from the bottle. She wets herself.

She laughs, she cries.

If you keep her till she's 13, she gets acne and wants to go to a Bros concert.

Would I lie? Would I lie to you?

I'll show you another little feature of this wonderful toy.

She will even sing a lullaby to put herself to sleep. Listen.

(SINGS IN ASIAN-SOUNDING LANGUAGE)

He's having trouble with the exhaust pipe on the van.

That's a shame. The exhaust is the only decent thing on it.

— How are things with you and Cassandra? — How do you mean?

— Are you both well? - Yeah. Yeah, great.

Is Cassandra still studying for promotion?

Yes.

She's still a very ambitious lady.

— So married life suits you? - Yeah.

— What's Del been saying? — He hasn't said anything.

All right. He mentioned that you'd had a couple of rows.

Once you upset Cassandra's boss and his wife.

That was nothing. It was a misunderstanding. We was all laughing about it.

— Del said she chucked you out. — Only for a couple of days.

— Once Cassandra went back to her parents". — That was nothing either.

— Really. We're happy. — That's what I wanted to say.

I know it's none of my business, Rodney, it's just...

I have had a marriage break up and I know how these things can start.

A lot of people think a marriage comes with gift wrapping, but it doesn't.

It comes in kit form — you've got to work at it.

Excuse me. Rodney. I see we're doing more of this cheap printing for Del.

— We're not running a charity. Excuse me. — Alan.

Let me introduce you. Raquel, this is Alan, my boss and father—in—law.

— He's Cassy's Dad. — I figured that out.

Yeah. Sorry. Alan, this is Raquel. Her and Del are liv...

Her and Del...are friends.

Yeah. Del's told me. You're an actress, aren't you?

— Some people say that. — Del speaks highly of your talents.

— we'll have to all go out for dinner. — Look forward to it.

I'm meeting someone for lunch. We're trying that new Chinese place.

— They say the food is out of this world. — Good.

Just keep a closer eye on things, Rodney.

Cheap printing is very good for some people, but not for us.

— See you again, Raquel. — Yes. Bye.

I'd better be going.

why don't you pop in this evening? Del hasn't seen you for ages.

I'm doing roast chicken, jacket potatoes, all the trimmings.

There'll be plenty there if you're peckish.

Nah, I'd better take a rain check.

I've got my timing figured out to avoid the traffic. Some other time, eh?

— The driver's waiting for you. —- OK.

— Give my love to Cassy. - Yeah.

Bye.

Roast chicken and all the trimmings.

It's Mr Coleman from Classic Curtains...

Hi.

(POP MUSIC ON STEREO)

- (MUS IC O ~ Hit "

Hi.

- You're late this evening. - Yeah. I got stuck in a traffic jam.

Something smells good. I'm starving.

I did myself one of those ready-made meals.

Oh. well, I'm starving.

— There's plenty in the freezer. — Good.

— What a very clean oven we've got. - Sorry?

I was just remarking how clean one can keep these ovens.

Especially when one never bloody cooks in "em.

- You going out? - Yeah.

That'll make a nice change. What is it tonight?

The bank's final exams? The bank's annual cheese and wine orgy?

The bank's annual yoga and target practice course?

- I'm playing badminton. — Oh, I see. Where?

— The bank's sports club. - You go and enjoy yourself, Cass.

I've got a busy evening. I'm gonna read the bank's pamphlet on our pension policy.

— Here we go again. What's wrong this time? — With me? What could possibly be wrong?

If you don't stop being so childish, I'll smother you with your comfort blanket.

Me, childish? You're the one who's got a bit of growing up to do.

When are you gonna realise you've got a marriage, you've got a home?

- You've got me. - I never forget that.

I never see you. You use this flat like a base camp.

You zoom in and out of here like a bluebottle with the runs.

I've had double—glazing salesmen spend more time here.

— Well, whatever turns you on. — How am...? What's that supposed to mean?

- I like to keep myself busy. - Yeah, but you're always out on your own.

You never want to go with me. I've asked you to come to badminton, but you refuse.

I don't relish the idea of spending the evening whacking a dead budgie over a net.

Besides which, all our social occasions are, in some way or another, tied to the bank.

- You resent me pursuing a career. - No.

I admire anyone who wants to advance themselves.

But your idea of advancement comes out of Rommel's

"1,001 Things Every Panzer General Should Know."

- It's relentless, Cass. It's Blitzkrieg. - I'm not trying to advance my career.

I'm still trying to make up for lost ground. You know that.

I have in some way interrupted Operation Cassandra?

— What am I supposed to have done? — Just little things.

Like when my boss Steven and his wife came round and you punched him.

— We're still on about that, are we? - You broke his nose!

Broke it? I never broke it.

A tiny hairline fracture, that was all

It was a long time ago and I've apologised a thousand times.

I know you have and I'm willing to be understanding if you are.

Look, Cass, how can I put this?

It's a ridiculous thing for a husband to say to his wife, but I'd like to see you more.

The only time we're really together is in bed.

— With our backs to each other. - You turned your back.

- You started it. — 1 did not!

And why is it whenever we have a dinner party, we invite your friends?

— We invite your friends as well — Name one time when I've had my mates here.

Last month Mickey Pearce and Jevon came round.

I've apologised for that.

And you've invited your brother and Raquel.

I've apologised for that as well.

Cass, we always said if we had a problem we would discuss it in a mature and adult way.

Fine. Let's sit down and discuss it in a mature and adult way.

- You can start. - No. You carry on.

- I'd like to hear what you have to say. - You started it.

— I didn't start anything. - You came home in a mood.

Only when I realised there was nothing for me to eat again!

I see. That's what this is really all about.

I'm supposed to have the dinner ready for Roddy to come back from the time warp.

This is not 1933 and once you realise that you'll stop being so bloody childish.

Cass, if you could avert your gaze from the exotica of the banking world for a moment,

you would realise, as many women realise,

there is nothing childish about Rodney Trotter.

They would appreciate having a young, vibrant, successful bloke like me about.

And they would probably do me a pie and chips!

why don't you go and find one of these women?

- All right, I will — Well, go on, then!

1 will

— And take ketchup for your pie and chips! - 1 will!

Oh, what a meal. What a meal.

"Je suis je resté," as they say in Montpellier.

— Does that mean good? — Good? It's absolutely superb.

I haven't had a meal like that since my dear old mum was alive.

— Oh... What was it again? - Chicken.

- I know, but what was the dish called? - It's called "petti di pollo trifolati".

Say what you like about the French, but they're magic with a saucepan and some salt.

It's Italian.

Oh, yeah. I know it's Italian. I was just saying the French are good cooks an" all

oh.

Ah-ah. Je suis.

Right. Here we go. Get some of this down your neck.

To the future.

- Um...Raquel. - Mm?

Um... You've been here for a week or two now and, well...

You know how I feel about you, don't you?

Do I? You've never said.

No. I thought it was obvious.

I mean...I really do like you.

Um... You don't have to answer this now if you don't want to.

I was wondering if you would...

If you would...

I mean, you don't... Blimey!

I've kept your dinner warm, Albert.

I've cut the singed bits off.

You should never light a candle with a man with a beard in the house.

You shouldn't have reached for the bread.

I could report your beard to the council.

If I hadn't used my Liebfraumilch, we could have had a towering inferno.

I'll eat in the kitchen away from that fire hazard.

Good. Mind when you take the plate out — the gas is still on.

— You were saying? — Was I? Oh, yes.

Yeah, I was saying...

See... You are a woman...

- Thank you. - That's all right.

And I am a man.

And no man is an island.

Do you understand what I'm getting at?

I don't want to rush things, you know...

but, I mean, would you?

I mean, no... What I mean...

Would you consider...?

That's it! All over! Kaput! That was her last chance.

— Good evening. - I have never been so insulted in my Life!

Sit down, bruv. Let me have a try.

— What's happened? — Rodney's left Cassandra.

Again? That's the third time in 18 months you two have broken up.

This time it is for good.

Does that mean our invitation for dinner is off?

— Of course. — What's brought all this about?

You will not believe this. She accused me of being childish.

- No? - Yeah. It's the truth. Can you...?

— Oi, that's my top. — Tonight was the last straw.

What did she do? Turn on your Scalextric?

Derek, this is no time for sarcasm.

All right, Rodney. Just calm down.

Finish your drink, I'L drive you home and we'll sort it out.

You don't understand. I'm not going back. Me and Cassy are finished for good.

Oh—oh. Albert? Brandy.

Rodney, you'll have to talk to her. There'll be things to discuss.

Like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.

This is all one big bloody joke to you.

No. It's just that you and Cassandra are behaving like a couple of ten—year—olds.

You've broken up more times than JR and Sue Ellen.

This time it is for good! I am staying here.

Albert, you'd better get some blankets and make up a bed for Rodney on the settee.

The settee? I'll kip in me old room.

No, Rodney. You can't kip in your old room because Raquel sleeps in there.

Sorry.

why's Raquel in my room? I thought you two...

Ah-ah!

Excuse me a minute, sweetheart.

Rodney, may I have a word with you in the boardroom?

- I thought you and Raquel... - No.

- You mean you're not...? - No.

— She's been here over a fortnight. - I know.

Must be a record.

You came storming in just at the moment when I was asking Raquel

if she would consider stamping my card.

You just have to say to her I'm back now so she's got to kip with you.

No. Rodney, you don't understand at all because, you see, Raquel is a lady.

And when a lady is ready to...

When she's ready to, she will let me know.

How?

— Well, she'll give me a sign or something. — Like what?

I don't know.

Perhaps she'll put an announcement in the "Sunday Sport".

AlL I know is that until that happens,

you will be kipping on the settee and think yourself lucky.

Suits me. Anything's better than sleeping next to a cold pair of shoulders.

- You gonna let him stay? - I don't know what to do for the best.

Let the boy stay for a few days, Del.

That's better. I was starving.

Send him back to his wife! I fought a war for you!

(MUSIC: "TRUE" BY SPANDAU BALLET)

Look at that dipstick.

What does he think he's playing at?

He's had a bit too much to drink, that's all

Ever since he walked out on Cassandra, he's spent every night on the pi...

On the booze.

- You're worried about him, aren't you? - Yeah. Course I am.

Course I'm worried. I've spent most of my life bringing him up.

Michael Jackson's got Bubbles, I got Rodney.

Can we have er...? Excuse me? Oi!

Can we have the same again, only large ones?

Yes!

— It's your round, Rodney. - Is it?

Yeah, I suppose it is.

Christopher, I spy with my little eye two ladies of the more mature variety.

Lonely housewives out on the pull

— Just leave me out of this. — We intended to, Rodney.

- I know you from somewhere. - I wouldn't have thought so.

— He never forgets a face. - Neither do I. And I'd remember you two.

— Did you go to the Dockside Junior School? - No, I didn't.

Told ya. He thought you was our old headmistress.

(DISCO MUSIC)

He's lost a couple of days of work through hangovers this week already.

- You're sleeping on the settee? - It's true.

Del's in his room and Raquel's in my old room.

- I thought they were living together. — They are, sort of.

But they ain't cohabiting. I mean they ain't cohabiting a bed.

Del said as soon as he's cracked the case, I can have my old room back.

Rodney, let me give you some advice.

I am a ladies" hairstylist and know the working of the female mind.

Yeah. "Cause he's a woofter.

Be serious, Mickey. I hate it when you do your Timmy Mallett impersonation.

Rodney, why don't you go home to Cassandra?

You had a nice flat, a good girl and you've given it all up.

Look, if she wants to phone me and apologise then I might consider it.

But she's got to phone me first.

What you got to do, Rodney, is make Cassandra jealous.

Yeah.

- why? — Make her think women find you desirable.

- Yeah. — Don't encourage Rodney to tell her lies.

That's true. I don't wanna lie... What do you mean, lies?

Rodney, I always make a point of making women jealous.

Ha!

The only time you made women jealous was when you won the last house at bingo.

Oh, it's you, Derek. Tell me, how's you and Raquel getting on?

Terrific, thanks. What the bleedin' hell it's got to do with you, I don't know.

— Just concerned. - Yeah.

- You gonna buy us a drink, Del? - Yeah. All right.

— Give the lads a drink an" all - Nice!

Three Coca—Colas.

Rodney, I want a word with you.

- There you go, sweetheart. - Thanks.

- All right? — Sit yourself down.

- I'll just um... I won't be long. - All right.

You get the exhaust on the van sorted out?

I booked it in for tomorrow. You can take it for me.

Me?

Yeah. You won't be going to work after what you've shoved down your neck tonight.

So when your hangover's cleared up, you can take it down.

I will be going to work tomorrow. You can bet your last penny on that.

Rodney... Look, Rodders.

You've been out every night on the booze.

- I'm just seeing my mates. — They're always the same mates.

Johnnie Walker and Ron Bacardi.

You walked out on Cassandra eight days ago.

You've made your point. It's time you went home.

Del, you don't know what marriage is like.

No, but I've mucked about enough to have a fair idea.

Rodney.

Rodders... Talk to me, will ya?

Well, to Cassandra, life's all drive and ambition.

- I think she wants to rule the world. - No. She just wants promotion at the bank.

Exactly.

And it's that blinkeredness that's driving away all her beautiful thoughts.

- Like you, you mean? - Yeah... Yeah.

The other day it was her birthday,

so I brought her a pair of earrings and a Shergal Farkey LP.

- Who? — Shergal Farkey.

— Feargal Sharkey, the singer. - Oh, right.

And a pair of earrings. They was nice earrings, but they was little.

They were very little earrings.

— They were nice, but they were... — Very little.

She has a look at them and she says, "Thanks, Rodney. Aren't they little?"

- No? - It's true as I'm sat here.

Stood here. I suppose Mummy and Daddy buy her all the big presents.

Sometimes I wish I could meet another girl

In your present condition, you ought to join a lonely kidneys' club.

Yeah. I think, all in all,

married life's been a bit of a let—down for young Cassandra.

I don't care. No skin off my nose, is it?

I couldn't give a monkey's toss, me.

I love her, Del.

Oi. Shut up. Shut up, you tart. Wipe your nose.

I just haven't lived up to her high expectations.

Look, I'm...

I'm gonna have words with your wife and tell her that size isn't important.

If you get involved, then... What do you mean, size isn't important?

— About them earrings. — Oh, sod the earrings!

God, it makes me so angry... I've gotta find a little bloke. I'm gonna have a fight.

Oi! Don't start.

And she never cooks for me. She's always too busy.

That doesn't matter, does it? You can cook, can't ya?

Yeah, but I wanted her to do it.

Oh, I see. What you wanted really was Cassandra to make a fuss of you.

- Yes. — Sit yourself down here.

- She ain't your mum. - What do you mean?

You never knew the joy of having a mum, did ya?

You were barely on solids when the angels came down and took her away.

I do remember, sort of, but it's misty.

This blonde lady. She was there and...then she wasn't.

Bit like the SDP, really.

Do you want a right—hander? You show some respect.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring Mum... I'm really sorry.

What a life, eh?

Me wife don't love me, me mum's left me and some bastard's nicked me bike.

- I told you not to leave it on the landing. — Yes, I know.

Come on. Don't be a defeatist. These things were sent to try us.

Take a leaf out of my book, eh? Happy—go—lucky, never let life get me down.

Use me as your role model.

You? You must be joking.

Anyway, I don't need a role mob... A mole... A mole rodel.

No. Role model. Role model.

- Mole... — Role model.

I don't need one of them. I am happy as I am.

— See you later. - Yeah, all right.

— Any luck? - No. I tried.

- You're a very nice person. - I know. It's one of my failures.

I think Rodney's a very confused young man. And maybe a bit frightened.

Frightened? He's a bloke.

I know. Everyone's frightened of something.

Are they? What are you frightened of, then?

- You'll make me feel silly. - No. What are you frightened of?

- Tell me. I promise I won't laugh. - The dark.

- You're not, are you? The dark? - Yeah.

Sometimes I lie in bed and the dark seems...

It seems to be touching me.

Stupid, eh?

Yeah.

You know, if you like...

tonight when you're lying in bed in the dark...

..I could hold your hand.

OK... Thank you.

Right. Drink up.

Listen, Del. My reputation in this area isn't good,

so please don't tell anyone about us.

Course I won't. What sort of bloke do you think I am?

This is between you and me. This is between us.

— Oi, Del! You going? - Yeah.

— See you later. - You can sleep in your own room tonight.

Oh, nice one!

Touchdown, eh?

(TV: MUSIC FOR SIX O'CLOCK NEWS)

(MUSIC ON RADIO: "REBEL YELL" BY BILLY IDOL)

(TV OFF)

— What's that "orrible racket? - My radio.

I can't sleep with all that noise.

(RADIO OFF)

Amazing for a man who slept through two world wars.

I didn't do any sleeping during the war. I was out there on the big waves.

Shell and fire, that was me. They could make a film of my Life.

Yeah. "Three Men In A Dinghy."

— How are you feeling? Your hangover gone? - I didn't have a hangover.

— So why didn't you go to work? - None of your... You're a nosy git.

No wonder they threw you out the lifeboat.

If that's the rubbish you listened to, it's no wonder your wife chucked you out.

She did not chuck me out. I left of my own accord. She is praying for me to go back.

Spending a lot of time in church, is she? Maybe that's why she's never in.

You're just trying to wind me up.

No, I'm not, son. Honest. They found your bike yet?

Get off my case, Albert. I'm gonna get dressed.

(RADIO ON)

(BANGING)

- You seen my slippers, Raquel? - You're wearing them.

What's wrong with Rodney? He's banging around.

He's still upset about him and Cassandra. I've given him a few words of encouragement.

At least you're trying.

— Where is that idiot? — He's getting dressed.

— Are you all right, love? — Yes, sweetheart.

I'm just suffering from a bit of the old executive burn-out.

- I could murder a drink. - Sit down. I'lL do it.

Oh, thank you, darling.

- I want to talk to you in private. - All right. What about her?

- I'll think of something. — Will a brandy do?

Yes. Cushty. On second thoughts, I'd like decaffeinated coffee from the percolator.

— That takes ages. - Yes, but it's healthier.

— All right. Do you want a coffee, Albert? - I'll have that brandy.

What do you want to talk about?

I'd like to find out how my bottle of Courvoisier manages to pour itself.

But that can wait.

I've just seen a mechanic from the Peckham Exhaust Centre.

Rodney took the van there today. They've got a receptionist working there named Tania.

Rodney — the dipstick — has only asked it out on a date.

- You're kidding? - I wish I was, Unc.

I'm disgusted with him.

— What's this Tania look like? - I wouldn't say no.

She's a nice enough girl, but that's not the point.

If Rodney gets seen with this Tania,

it's gonna break Cassandra's heart and Rodney will get the sack.

And Alan won't do you any more of that cheap printing.

No... That has got nothing to do with it.

You said that was the only money coming in.

My only concern is for Cassandra and Rodney's future happiness.

Mind you, that printing did bring in a few bob.

I've gotta think of a way in which I can put Rodney off this bird.

— So what are you telling me for? — I was hoping you might have an idea.

Then again, I was hoping Millwall would win the UEFA Cup.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Listen to me. When Rodney tells us about this date with this bird,

you and me have got to look absolutely horrified.

As though it goes against the Trotter family's moral code.

- He'll never fall for that. - Yes, he will

— (MUSIC APPROACHES) — He's coming.

Look horrified. As though you've seen a U-boat off the bow.

- Ah! - Not yet!

Del, what's the matter with him?

He's been at the brandy.

— Percolator's bubbling. Coffee, Rodney? - No, thanks. I'm going out.

— Ah! - No. No.

— Going anywhere nice? — The pictures.

Your marriage is going down the Swanee and you bugger off to the flicks.

— Very good. — Just butt out.

All right. Just as you like, bruv.

- Going on your own? - No. I'm going with someone.

— Ah! - No.

I'll whack you one in a minute.

— Who are you taking? Cassandra? - No, not Cassandra. It's a girl

- 2 girl? girl?!

Ah! A girl!

why do you all keep repeating it? You sound like Jive Bunny.

I met a girl called Tania and I asked her to the pictures.

I don't believe I'm hearing this. Thank you.

If you don't mind. Rodney, you are a happily married man.

Was a happily married man. Then we left the registry office and the magic faded.

A happily married man would be taking his wife to the pictures.

— Well, why don't ya? — What?

Take Cassandra. Give her a bell. She might like to go.

There wouldn't be room in the van for Tania and her.

No, I meant... Will you shut up?

It wouldn't work, Del. Even our taste in films differed.

Cass used to like the heavy dramas and foreign films —

"The Grapes Of Wrath" and Fellini classics.

— What are you going to see? - "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids".

It weren't my choice. Tania wants to see it.

Tania? Tania...

Oh, Tania. Oh, yes. Isn't that the old bow—wow at the Exhaust Centre?

- Yeah. She said... She's not a bow—wow! — She's like a Rottweiler with a wig.

The Tania I'm talking about is very pretty.

You what? Have you clocked the "ooter on it?

Dear, oh, dear. Me and Boycie had a bet once

as to whether that was her real nose or silicone—injected.

Have you ever actually spoken to this person?

Yes. I said good morning to her. She didn't reply, she was too busy gnawing a bone.

I think what Rodney's trying to say

is that maybe this girl might have a nice personality.

— Has she? - No, not really.

- What you going out with her for? - Her reputation.

Has she got a reputation?

She's lived with a few blokes. A darts team, I heard.

That is just the kind of old-fashioned chauvinistic attitude

that keeps women second-class citizens.

Listen, Raquel, I'm doing this on purpose.

You can be such a sexist.

You tear the girl to shreds because she doesn't look like Kim Basinger

and do a character assassination because she's done exactly the same as you.

Del's never lived with a darts team.

You don't understand, Raquel. I'll tell you later on...

It's all right for young men to sow wild oats — shows they're red—blooded —

but if a girl does it, she's a slut.

No, that is where you're wrong. Nowadays, men can't sow their wild oats either.

we've all seen the film for AIDS on the TV.

And that's my point, Rodney. Today, you see, women are very dodgy.

— "Women are dodgy"?! — Not you, sweetheart. The others.

How dare you lay the blame for a worldwide epidemic at the feet of womankind?!

If feet were the problem, Dr Scholl could find the cure.

I've never heard such stupid, pig—ignorant views as yours.

You get him on politics, Raquel.

What did you say?

Derek, there is rather an ugly rumour going around.

Introduce it to Rodney, he'll take it to the pictures.

The rumour is that man is the guilty party.

No, sorry, but that is where you are wrong, Raquel.

On that commercial on the telly, this bloke walks into the disco...

To hell with the telly!

Women played no part in the creation of this plague. AIDS is like nylon — man-made.

(DOOR SLAMS)

You've upset her now.

I've upset...? Right. I'm out of here.

Rodney, come here a minute.

One little row and you think your marriage is breaking up,

but it ain't, bruv.

You can soon rekindle the old flame of passion.

Take her a bottle of champagne and a bunch of flowers.

- It's a bit corny, innit? — That's what I'd do.

— She goes to evening school tonight. — She might cancel it.

You must be joking! Nothing gets in the way of her and her stupid rotten career.

Trying to rekindle the flame is like giving the kiss of life to a rasher of bacon.

Come on, Rodney. Remember?

He who dares, wins.

Listen. All you do is go round there and apologise to her.

Just say you're sorry and then she will say she's sorry to you.

Before you know it, you're more in love than you ever were before,

and you might get a little bit.

Everyone's a winner. Téte de veau. Eh?

"You might get a little bit"? Good God. It's like living with a Big Mac!

Oi! Just for that, you cannot take my van.

— Stuff your van. I will bus it. — Good!

That's the thanks I get.

Raquel? Fancy going down the Nag's Head for a few drinks?

— With a creep like you? No, thanks! - Thank you.

What a life, eh?

Just a minute. You know that film he was talking about? "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids".

What cinema is that on at?

- It's the ABC in the high street. — Exactly.

And what's next door to that cinema? Cassandra's evening school.

She might see Rodney and this Tania girl.

Exactly. That's the whole point. That dippy Rodney's trying to make Cassandra jealous.

He's taken the advice of that Mickey Pearce.

Mickey Pearce! He's has as much success with women as you've had with boats.

I've got to go round to Cassandra's and persuade her not to go to evening school.

That's the answer. See you later, Unc.

— Del? — What is it, sweetheart?

I'm sorry.

Yes. Good. So am I, darling.

— Can we go and "talk"? — Yeah. I will

- I'll be as quick as I can. - You don't have to be.

Hm?

No, no. I've just got to pop out for a minute.

— Yeah, but I wanted to "talk". - Yeah, I know...

This is very, very important.

— Oh, please yourself. - No. AllI was...

(DOOR SLAMS)

— What a night. — Rodney's really upset her.

— Hello? — Cassandra? It's Delboy.

Hi, Del. Pull the door.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Cooee! Where are ya?

There you are. Hello, sweetheart. I thought I'd pop in, see how you were.

- I'm fine. How are you? - Couldn't be better.

Er... A bit choked to hear about you and Rodney.

— Just one of those things, eh? - Yeah. Off to evening classes?

- Yeah. It's my final exams in three weeks. — Oh, cushty.

- How's Rodney? — Oh... Bearing up.

— Have the police found his bike yet? - No. He's thinking of getting another one.

- Where is he tonight? - He just popped out earlier.

I hope he has a good time. That's what he wants from Life.

Cassandra, I know what he really wants and deep down, I think you do an" all

He's only got to swallow his stupid pride and ask.

I know. I have tried to talk to him but I just can't get through to him.

It's like my mum used to say, "There's none so blind as them what won't listen."

— Very true. — Listen. Listen...

Can't you two make it up?

It's impossible. Rodney won't budge an inch on anything. He just fights me all the way.

He doesn't like the bank social evenings. He gets bored with my friends.

The other week I invited some colleagues round. I cooked a lovely meal

You're a smashing cook, Cassandra.

I remember that moules mariniére you made for us last year. I can still taste it now.

One hour after we'd finished eating Rodney decided it was time they went home.

So he started giving them little hints, like yawning and checking his watch.

Finally he whistled the national anthem.

— Rodney never was one for staying up late. — This was Sunday lunch!

Rodney's idea of socialising is a night out at the pub.

What idiot wants to spend their evenings down the Nag's Head?

Yeah. Who would?

Rodney is so immature. He needs to learn to grow up.

— Are you sure it's only him? - I'm not behaving childishly.

- You haven't phoned him. - I'm not phoning him first. He started it.

Must have taken years of experience to come to that decision.

— Those are nice earrings. - They're lovely.

— Rodney gave them to me for my birthday. — They're very little.

That's what I like about them. I don't want a pair of chandeliers. These are perfect.

Perfect? But Rodney said...

— Rodney said what? - Nothing. Just forget it.

I don't believe these two.

I'd get more sense out of a crossed line with the Krankies.

I tell you what, Cassandra, don't go to evening classes tonight.

Come out for a meal with me and Raquel.

Your dad's told us about this great Chinese place. They do a blindin* wonton.

Maybe some other time. I must go tonight.

All right. I'L give you a Lift. I'll drop you off right outside the door.

- It's only 50 yards from the car park. - You don't want to walk past the cinema.

- Why not? - Well. It'll be full of all yobs.

Come here a minute. Just give me a minute. I want to ask you something.

Listen, have you ever had a nightmare that Rodney's been out with another girl?

well, I have.

Just for argument's sake, what would your reaction be if you did?

— Rodney with another girl? - Yeah.

That wouldn't bother me.

Good. "Cause he's taken another bird to the pictures tonight.

He's done what? No. Rodney wouldn't do that.

Yes, he would. He's done it to make you jealous, you see.

He was hoping that you would see him and this Tania standing in the cinema queue.

— I said, "Cassandra's far too intelligent..." - Who the hell's Tania?!

- Tania. She's the girl from the... — It was just a silly disagreement.

- You said it wouldn't bother you. - It doesn't! The bastard! I love him.

- He loves you too. — It looks like it.

We had a row about badminton and he started an affair!

No. He's taken some tart to see "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids".

I wanted to see that!

Oh, Gawd!

(SHE SOBS)

Here you are.

- You're taking this very well, Cassandra. - Thanks for telling me.

Yeah. I couldn't very well see you walk into an ambush, could I?

It's only Rodney's silly way of trying to get you back.

— Get me back for what? - No. Getting you back with him.

— But I haven't gone anywhere. - I know that, sweetheart.

I'll tell you what, don't go to evening classes tonight.

- No. I'lL go round to my friend Emma's. — Good idea.

We'll keep this between ourselves. We won't tell the neighbours or your dad.

- No. — Good girl. You know it makes sense.

- What time will you be back? - I don't know. Late. Why?

I'll get Raquel to give you a ring to cheer you up a bit.

- Her marriage broke up an' all... — Oh!

No. What I mean is she'll understand what you are going through.

Yeah. Are you all right, sweetheart?

- Yeah. I'm all right. — I've got to be away.

- I'll talk to you later. — OK. Thanks, Del.

It's all right, sweetheart.

(SHOUTS AND SCREAMS)

You won't do anything silly, will ya?

No, I'm fine!

Lovely jubbly.

I didn't know what you were doing.

(DOLLS BOTH SING)

Korean rubbish. I wish I'd never put them "Made in Britain" stickers on "em now.

Sorry, sweetheart?

Earlier on, I didn't realise you were trying to frighten Rodney out of his date.

- It didn't work, though. - I couldn't see Rodney being unfaithful.

- No. - He's not that stupid.

He's stupid enough, he just never has success with birds.

He's been blown out more times than a windsock.

- During the war... — Look at the time.

Midnight.

A crewmate of mine, Sky Piggott, died of a sexually—related condition.

~ (ALBERT SNIGGERS) — Oh, yeah?

Yeah. His girlfriend's husband shot 'im!

(PHONE RINGS)

I wish somebody had shot you.

Yes? Trotters Independent Traders?

— Del, it's me. - Oh, it's you. And what do you want?

— I've been thinking. — Have ya?

I'll call a press conference for tomorrow.

Del, listen. I ain't been drinking. See?

Are you sure? No, you haven't. Go on, then.

I've been doing a bit of growing up. I've realised that you were right.

I knew I was right. I told you I was right, but you wouldn't listen.

I did listen. I've bought some champagne and roses for Cassy.

That's a bit corny, and a bit late.

You should have thought about that before you took Tania to the pictures.

- No. I didn't take Tania out. - It doesn't matter where...

You didn't take Tania out?

No. I thought of all the things you said,

so I phoned her and told her I was a married man,

told her I was still in love with my wife... Does that sound yukky?

Yes... Yes, Rodney. That sounds absolutely "orrible.

Then I thought, "Why am I saying this to a stranger? I should be telling my wife."

— So that's what I'm gonna do. - That's t'riffic.

Just one thing. Don't go back to the flat 'cause Cassandra isn't in.

I know. I'm back at the flat now. I'll just wait for her. Who's hurrying, eh?

He's back at the flat. You're back at the flat?

Listen, Rodney. I've got to tell you something.

No. You've done enough for me.

No. Listen. I've got to say something to ya.

— There's something I want to say, Del — What?

I love you, Delboy.

You dipstick!

— What's happened? — It's Rodney. He's gone back to his flat.

— That's good, isn't it? - No. It's very un—good.

Damn! I can't get through. Must have taken the phone off the hook.

— Perhaps the line's engaged. — What's engaged is Rodney's hormones!

But you've been telling Rodney to go back to Cassandra.

But that was before he took Tania to see "Honey, I Shrunk The Bloody Kids"!

But Rodney didn't take Tania out.

Yes. He didn't.

— But Cassandra thinks he did. — What makes her think that?

I don't know, do I?

— Somebody must have told her. — Oh, Del, you didn't?

I couldn't help it. I was only doing it for her.

I couldn't see the poor little mare see her husband groping Miss Kwik—Fit, could I?

I didn't want to see Cassandra hurt. She's family, ain't she?

Oh, Gawd.

I'm gonna go round and see if I can catch Cassandra and say that I made a mistake

and do it before she sets eyes on that...wally.

— Why does he have to interfere? - It's just his nature.

Still, proves his heart's in the right place.

Mm. Pity about his brain.

Yeah.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR BANGS)

Cass...

- I've come home. - You!

Cassandra, will you give me a minute to explain?

Get out of here, Rodney! Go to bloody Tania's.

Tania? I don't know anyone called Tania. Is it a man or a woman?

- Del told me all about the two of you. — Well, he was lying!

Lovely evening, innit?

— Shall I get a vase for the roses? - Stuff the roses!

Cass, if you calm down you'll realise this has all been a mistake.

— Our marriage was a mistake! — We said if we had a problem, we would...

- Just bugger off, Rodi - ow! nr

Cass...!

— She's back, then. — Why, Del? why did you tell her?

I had to to save her from any pain.

What about me? She just whacked me with her badminton racket!

— It's gone midnight. — Well, go back to bed, then!

(INDISTINCT)

AlL right.

Just calm yourself down.

You of all people grassed me up!

You grassed me up for something I didn't even do!

Do you know what Cassy's reaction would have been if she'd seen you with Tania?

Yes! She's just given me a bloody good example of it!

I wasn't gonna take Tania out.

I changed my mind in the lift. I just made a stupid threat out of anger and frustration.

- You said... - I know what I said!

But there's a difference between saying and doing.

If I'd gone to the police every time you said you were gonna kill me,

you'd be slopping out in Parkhurst!

My wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair and you've offended my neighbours.

— (WOMAN) People are trying to sleep. - Shut up!

Calm down. Just calm down, all right?

All right. Fair enough. I'm sorry.

- Sorry? - Yes.

I'm sorry.

— Is there anything I can do to help? — Yes! Piss off!

Listen to me, you ungrateful little dipstick.

I've struggled over here just to help you. And I was on a promise.

You listen to me. I don't want your help.

I don't want your favours, your assistance or your advice!

I don't want nothing off you!

I was only trying to do the best for Cassandra and you.

And to make sure you got printing done cheap!

You don't really believe that, do you?

Probably not.

See ya.

Del?

— what? - I've locked meself out.

— Done what? - I've left my key upstairs.

Press the buzzer and tell Cassandra.

— She won't let me in. - No, but it might cheer her up.

This hasn't gone quite as well as I'd hoped.

That's jealousy for you, bruv. A very dangerous thing.

— We've naused this right up, ain't we? — So what's new?

What am I gonna do, Del?

Come on, Rodney. Come on.

Let's go home.

(SONG: "SOMEBODY WHO LOVES YOU" BY JOAN ARMATRADING)

# Should I stay or say goodbye?

# You blow smoke on the ceiling

# You don't wanna look into my eyes

# Then you've got somebody who loves you

# And now I wanna see you fan the fire

# Wrap the sheets around you with me hugged up inside

# I wanna see you fan the fire

# Come on, stoke the blaze and don't run for cover

# You've got somebody who loves you

# Somebody who loves you

# I wanna see you fan the fire

# Come on, stoke the flames and don't run for cover

# Mistaken shyness can be costly... #