Original subtitles

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

# "Cause if you want the best "uns

# But you don't ask questions

# Then, brother, I'm your man

# "Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea

# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:

# why do only fools and horses work? #

(TV IS ON)

Have you got any idea how much money we've made recently?

Loads of bunce, Rodders. Loads of bunce.

We have made nearly £2,000 in the last month.

Am I a genius or just a miracle worker?

We sold over 400 of those ladies electric razors.

I told you they'd sell

You wouldn't think there was that much hair about.

You chuck those receipts away. I don't want no evidence in the flat.

What's that dirty—looking thing?

That is your uncle, Rodney.

Please show a bit more respect.

Come on, Uncle. Get yourself a drink. We're celebrating.

That's all right, Del. This is from my old days, Rodney.

All those years ago when I used to sail the seven seas.

Is it treasure?

No. It's just a few old photos and letters from my days in the navy.

It's nothing much. Just me memories.

Rodney's chucking a load of gear down the chute.

He'll get rid of it for you.

This is the history of my Life!

That's why I thought you wouldn't want it.

Is that you?

Yeah.

That's when I first joined the navy. Seventeen I was.

You ain't changed, Unc.

What? He had a big white beard then?

No. He's wearing the same clothes.

What's the matter with you two daft sods?

Well, we're celebrating. We've had a blinding month.

What is all this?

What's this here?

"1941. My birthday party on board HMS Peerless."

Cor blimey, they look a right bunch of toerags.

That's me and my mates when we were serving in the South China Sea.

Brave lads, Del. Look at 'em.

Like steely—eyed young lions.

Yeah. You look like Clarence the cross—eyed lion!

I'd just been to a nightclub celebrating me birthday.

Who's this geezer in the G-string and the ruby in his belly button?

That's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub.

We sneaked her back to show her round HMS Peerless!

You dirty old goat.

The captain used to call it "a submarine hunter",

but she was nothing more than an old tug.

Yeah. She looks like a rough and ready girl.

- I'm talking about HMS Peerless! — Oh, sorry.

A few hours after that photo was taken, we was in action.

I'm surprised it took you that long.

A Japanese sub was spotted in the area.

Ooh, that's all you need, innit?

Yeah. There was an American aircraft carrier lying off shore.

Um... USS Pittsburgh.

It was our job to protect her.

We'd only been sailing for an hour and we crashed right into her.

Cor, didn't "alf make a noise.

You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect?

Yeah.

It was a good job she was there, actually.

She picked up most of the survivors.

Was your ship badly damaged?

Couldn't tell, Rodney. It sunk.

'Course, they tried to put the blame on me.

Yeah. Well, sounds fair, don't it?

Just "cause I was on watch at the time.

I had me excuses ready.

- You were drunk? — Don't be silly.

The American vessel was at battlestations and showing no lights.

They weren't allowed. There was a war on.

(DEL) "Course there was.

Then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like er...

it was in broad daylight.

You didn't see an aircraft carrier?

42,000 tons of steel?

In broad daylight?

well, I wasn't close enough.

You must have been reasonably close, Unc. You hit it.

They would have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest!

I wasn't up on deck!

I was in the radar room watching the screen.

I couldn't make head nor tail of it.

It was all blibs and blobs.

The Japanese sub had it away Lively.

I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around.

Oi. Did you get into trouble for it?

Court martial. The papers were sent to Naval Headquarters, Singapore.

You were court martialled?

No. As luck would have it, before my trial, the Japanese invaded!

I never heard another word about it.

And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky!

That was a bit strong — trying to court-martial him.

He had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft carrier.

I know, but it was his birthday.

Yeah, I forgot.

Not for long though.

This picture was taken in 1941 on his birthday, right?

You seen the date?

That's in a couple of weeks.

You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know

so we'd arrange a birthday treat, do you?

Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney!

Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person.

He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat.

The sly old git. So he wants a surprise for his birthday, does he?

What are you going to do?

I don't know yet, but I'L think of something to pull him up lively.

We could give him one of them electric razors!

(UNCLE ALBERT, TUNELESSLY) # Way out on the sea

# I'll carry my loved one

# Safely with me. #

why does he keep doing it, eh?

Gawd knows.

I suppose at some time, someone told him he could play the piano.

Yeah. I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing.

He's a Trotter. What more can you say about the man?

A couple of years ago, I went down the local library

and read some ancient manuscripts written by the Elders of Peckham.

Did you know 500 years ago, this was a green and peaceful area?

The Earl of Peckham had a castle

where the Kwikfit Exhaust Centre now stands.

Flaxen—haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole

of an evening.

Then one fateful medieval day,

the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr.

Soon the flaxen—haired maidens were up the spout,

the Earl had been sold some hooky armour,

and someone nicked the maypole.

A hundred years after that, the Black Death arrived in England.

The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed.

'Ere, talk of changing luck. Look at this.

— Oh, my Gawd! — All right? All right, Boycie?

well, I was.

There you go, Trig. There's a scotch, mate.

How do you know I wanted a scotch?

If I was dressed like that, I'd want a scotch!

Er, is this something to do with a new religion?

I'm taking a lady out to lunch.

(BOTH) You sure?

Yeah. Positive.

I've booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite.

I thought I'd better try and make an impression.

Oh, you'll certainly do that and no worries, Trig.

Thanks, Boyce!

Morning, Michael. Same again for Boycie.

A non-alcoholic lager top for Rodney...

Malibu and cherryade for moi.

Is it Comic Relief Day again?

- It only seems a little while... — Del

- It ain't Comic Relief Day, mate. - I've got a date.

Watch them stones. Del got one caught in his throat last Christmas.

No, Dave. I mean, I've got a lunch date with a lady.

(BOTH) Are you sure?

Yeah. I gotta meet her soon. I just popped in for some Dutch courage.

So who is it? Anyone we know?

No. You don't know her. Come to that, I don't know her either.

How do you mean, Trig?

These people arranged it for me.

"The Technomatch Friendship and Matrimonial Agency."

You've joined one of them computer dating firms?

Yeah. They opened up a shop down the High Street,

so I thought I'd have 25 quids' worth.

So what's this bird look like?

I don't know. They don't show you pictures of each other.

— That's a bit risky, innit? — That's her problem.

They fed all of my information into a computer

and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me.

That's what I like about this agency, you know where you stand —

they insist on honesty.

So you told them you're a roadsweeper?

No. I told them I was a bus inspector.

- why? — To add a bit of glamour.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Good idea.

Right then, here goes.

I'll see you later.

well, rather him than me.

He's walking straight into the unknown.

It's a bit like that TV programme, innit?

- Yeah! - You know, Blind Date.

Oh! I thought you meant That's My Dog.

Marlene and Duke sit and watch that, you know?

Soppy as sacks, the two of them.

The dog gets more questions right.

Michael? Can I have a word about Albert?

Now, there's a coincidence, Del.

I wanted to have a word with you about him.

He's not still singing in here of an evening?

Oh, no, no, no.

He's doing matinees now, Del My pie sales have fallen!

All right. I'lL have a word with him.

It's Albert's birthday soon and I wanted to throw a party for him.

- What, in here? — Well, yeah.

— A few drinks, a bit of grub... - No.

ILL stick 150 across the counter.

All right, Del.

You can have the pub on one condition.

He doesn't sing.

Fair enough, Mike.

He doesn't use bad language in front of the ladies.

— Righto, Mike. — And he doesn't dance.

— Got you, Mike. - He tells no rude jokes.

Goes without saying.

And he don't drink too much.

Perish the thought.

He just sits down quietly, soberly,

and enjoys himself.

He's going to really look forward to this.

Thanks very much (!)

He makes up more rules than the Common Market.

He's ruining this pub, ain't he?

I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy. I'm very rarely in here these days.

I spend most of my free time down at the lodge.

Oh, of course, the lodge.

What is it you've become? A Buffalo?

I am not a Buffalo. I am a pukka mason.

Secret handshakes, initiation ceremonies, the works.

What do you want to join that bunch of dipsticks for?

It is a great honour to be chosen.

It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek. Oh, no.

Changed my life.

I'm involved in a lot of charity work these days —

helping the local needy and underprivileged.

It's got its good side as well, of course.

Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible.

Sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone more old snobs.

We're not snobs! Anyone can join.

We come from all walks of life — across the social spectrum.

We've got estate agents, a judge,

a commissioner of police, the mayor. We've got all sorts.

Yeah. So has Bertie Bassett!

That is not all walks of life, Boyce.

AlL right, all right. We've got a television director.

Oh, yeah? What does he do?

Film the secret handshakes in case you forget it?

Rodney.

I'm going to have a chat with Mickey and Jevon.

I'm going to pop down the betting shop. I'lL pick you up later.

What is the matter with that boy? He's all social conscience.

He's one of life's carers, isn't he?

He reminds me a bit of my mum. Don't he you?

Yeah.

Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers.

I don't believe it.

That's a woman!

Wotcha, Nerys.

You made me jump.

It's only me.

Can I get you a drink?

- No. I've got one. - Oh.

I was wondering if you'd like to come out during the week.

— Where? - I don't know. Anywhere.

Who with?

well...me.

All right. It'll have to be during the day "cause I work here evenings.

I'll have to see if I can get a day off.

You said you ran the business.

well, yeah, I do.

I do run the business, but I don't like leaving Del in charge

because he mucks my system up.

well, I'll phone you on it, then.

Yeah. All right, then.

See you in the week.

Go on.

AlL right.

Rodney?

— How did you get on with Nerys? —- OK.

Bet you didn't get a date with her.

Save your money, jevon, my man.

I'm taking her out next week.

How did you manage that? I've been trying to date her for ages.

Bear in mind who's talking here.

I've had to employ a secretary to handle my dates.

Rodney has something you haven't got, Jevon.

It is a thing called machismo.

I've told you before. Nerys goes for macho men.

I have known Rodney a lot longer than you,

and he can be a right hard nut when he wants.

well...

Muscle and sweat. That is what Nerys goes for.

Yeah, but Rodney's no Master of the Universe.

But he has the aura of inner strength.

It's "cause I'm wiry, you see.

Nerys likes guys who live their lives at a hundred miles an hour.

They reckon when she's hot, she is hot.

The only guy who could put her out is Red Adair, and he's expensive.

You should treat a chick with consideration.

And that is why you'll never get a date with Nerys.

She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers.

But if my main man here plays his cards right...

See you, big guy.

Hey.

— Take care. - Yo.

What's happening?

Rodney Trotter's got himself a date.

We've convinced him she likes tough macho men.

— Who's the bird? - Nerys.

What, Nervous Nerys?

Yes!

So, can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for?

well, a bird.

Yes. But are there any particular requirements?

Yeah, a local bird. I don't want to do much driving.

So you're not looking for a special type of person?

Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort.

A bit of a sort?

Yeah, you know. Everything in the right place.

Oh, and she must be a bit refined.

— Must she? — Oh, yeah.

I don't want some old bow-wow

who don't know the difference between Liebfraumilk and Tizer.

- Quite. - I'm a bit of a culture vulture.

Ah, a man of the arts.

You can't whack it.

And you can tell the lucky lady that she is guaranteed a steak meal.

A steak meal?

Guaranteed.

Want to put that on your floppy disk?

Yes. I'll make a note.

A steak meal.

Now, please don't feel pressurised by this next question.

We're not trying to force you into any decision.

The question is simply asked to protect our clients.

Fire away. I've got nothing to hide.

What do you seek from this proposed introduction? Simply friendship?

Yeah, friendship. That'LL do for a start.

No, no. What I'm getting at is

do you see this leading to a permanent relationship or marriage?

Slow down. Slow down, John. You ain't even sorted me one out yet!

Let's say friendship. That'LL do for a start.

Of course. Fine.

Let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you.

I'll just feed your information into our main computer.

Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit.

Refined — she's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee.

38 years old.

Knocking on a bit, isn't she?

She's widowed.

Her late husband was a stockbroker.

No. I don't think you're right for each other.

No, no. Don't jump the gun. I'll give it a bash if she will

No. She's a sensitive person.

That's right up my street.

Yes, but she's specified a non-smoker.

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Now, this looks more promising.

Young lady, 30 years old. Something of a career woman.

- Yeah, go on. — She's an actress.

Yeah? Is she famous?

I wouldn't have thought so, would you?

No. No, I suppose not.

It might be a nice introduction, as you share a common interest.

What's that?

The arts.

Oh, yes, yes!

Right, yeah. Perfect.

Where do we meet and how do we recognise each other?

Assuming that the young lady fancies it. What was her name again?

Miss Turner. Raquel Turner.

Raquel.

Raquel.

Raquel is my most favourite name.

How fortunate.

In the present social climate, we recommend meeting during the day —

a lunch appointment or something.

After that, it's up to the clients.

A good meeting place is under the clock at Waterloo.

It's traditional and quite romantic.

It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia johnson.

We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers

as a gift for the lady.

Right. Did they hit it off?

who?

This Trevor and Celia sort.

Yes, yes.

Cushty. Well, you get on the blower and give Raquel the old SP.

Tell her to keep on her toes.

The last girl I met at Waterloo station got mugged on the escalator.

Yes, I'll tell her.

When - or indeed if — you and Miss Turner should meet,

we do emphasise the importance of honesty.

There is little future in fabrication or deceit.

I agree. We've got to be right upfront with each other.

Good. I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the £25 fee.

— Right. - I'm sorry. I've forgotten.

Is there an E on the end of your name?

No. No E. It's Duval

Derek Duval.

You going out?

No. I'm going to bleed the brakes on the van.

Of course I'm going out.

Is it a special occasion?

It could be, Albert. You never can tell

I thought it might be one of your mates' birthdays or something.

No. I'm taking a young lady out to lunch.

When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties.

When you get to my age, nobody bothers.

I know. It's a bark, innit, eh?

Yeah.

So who's the bird?

She's not a bird. She's an actress.

Yeah? Who?

Raquel Turner.

Name don't ring a bell. What's she been in?

Oh, loads of things. I can't remember off the top of me head.

What's she look like?

um...

It's rather difficult to describe her.

well, is she tall, short, dark, fair, fat or thin?

She's an actress. She keeps changing her appearance.

How are you going to recognise her?

I'll recognise her. Just don't keep going on about it.

If you've got anything for the laundrette, go and get it now.

It's not your washing day today.

No, but Rodney's going out. I don't want to sit here on me own.

AlL right.

Hello, Miss Turner, may I say... No.

How do you do, Ms Turner?

May I say how very pleased I am to meet you?

I've admired your work for many years.

May I call you Raquel?

Raquel is one of my most favourite names.

Yeah!

My old joie de vivre will knock her bandy.

Now, then, a quick livener, I think.

Then off we go. Now, where's that...?

Ahem!

You're still here, then?

Just about, just about.

— Don't you have a date with Nerys? - Yeah, I have.

You better hurry up and get changed. You'll be late.

I am changed.

You're going out like that?

What's wrong with me?

You look like an *ooligan.

It is the fashion.

Haven't you read about it? It's called the James Dean look.

Yeah, but when they said the James Dean look,

they meant before the crash!

I can't see you getting far with that Nerys bird dressed like that.

Oi! You just keep it out, right? Let me lead my own life.

All right. Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble.

I thought you were going out.

I am going out.

Hurry up and change, I'll take those clothes down the laundrette.

I am wearing these clothes.

Yeah? Where are you taking her, scrumping?

Del Boy's going out to lunch with a world—famous actress.

Yeah? You got my socks and pants in there?

Yeah. I've got 'em, boy. See you later.

So who is it? Meryl Streep?

No. Raquel Turner.

— Are you kidding me? - No. Straight up.

The Raquel Turner?

Yeah. Have you heard of her?

She been in anything?

Yeah, loads of things, but nothing you would have seen.

What's that mean?

She has not been on Top Of The Pops or repeats of Batman.

Where are you taking her?

I am meeting her at Waterloo Station,

and I have booked a table for lunch...

— at the Hilton Hotel, Park Lane. - You taking the van?

No. I am not taking the van.

Where would you meet an actress?

A friend of mine's in showbusiness. He introduced us.

Wait a minute.

The other day, Albert took a call for you from some agency.

Oh, was it?

Is your mate an agent?

Yeah, that's right. He's a show business agent.

Bloody "ell, Del. Wait till I tell the others.

Any chance of an autograph?

Yeah, no problem. I'll get you hers as well.

Del, you don't think you might be being a little bit...

Well, ostentatious?

Well, maybe, but I can afford it.

Yeah, but I mean the Hilton and all that.

You don't think you're being a teensy weensy bit over the top?

I mean, she's an actress, isn't she? She'll be cool and laid back.

Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy.

I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach.

I have played the game before.

I do know what I'm doing.

Yeah, "course you do. Well, best of luck, eh?

Cheers, bruv.

Open the door for us, Rodney.

What's this?

(HORN BEEPS)

- Hi. - Is this a three—wheel van?

It was the last time I counted.

I've never been in a three—wheeled van before.

Then you have never lived, Nerys.

It's a bit um...

What's the word? Smelly.

That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nerys.

So where do you fancy going?

- I don't mind. - You just name your destination.

I don't care.

— So there's nowhere special? - No. Anywhere.

Shall we take in a movie?

- I don't fancy the pictures. — How about a drink?

Nah. The pubs around here are horrible.

— Do you fancy a hamburger? — I've just had my dinner.

— Where do you want to go, then? - I don't mind. Anywhere.

That's cool, Nerys. we'll just cruise.

In a three-wheeled van?

Yes.

This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys.

You didn't wind your window down.

I know! Get out quick before it catches fire.

Hello.

— Hello, love. — Blimey. You're not Raquel?

I can be anyone you want me to be, darling.

No, I mean, you're not an actress?

I've played a few demanding roles in my time.

There's a very nice hotel round the corner.

why don't we discuss it there?

No, it's all right. There's been a mistake. My fault entirely. Sorry.

Oh. You're one of those who just likes to talk, aren't ya?

No. I'm waiting for someone and I thought that you...

I'm beginning to lose my rag with you, sweetheart.

I'm going to count to ten, right,

then I'm going to shove these flowers up your...

(TRAIN WHISTLES)

You realise that will be extra.

Gordon Bennett!

Oh, hell, the filth.

See ya, darling.

(ROCK MUSIC ON RADIO)

What's that?

(YELLS AND JEERS)

Swivel on that, camel—breath!

— Weren't you frightened? — What, of them punks?

No way.

Hello.

He nearly nicked one of your mates just now,

so I'd have it away on your toes.

Is it Derek?

— Raquel? - Yes.

Hi.

Hello. Hello. I'm sorry about that.

No. I should apologise for being so late.

You know what the trains are like. Have you been waiting long?

Since about ten o'clock this morning.

No, no. It was just a joke.

Oh, sorry... These are for you.

Oh, you shouldn't have gone to all this expense.

Mais oui, mais oui.

I've booked a table at my favourite restaurant if that's OK with you.

Oh, yes, sounds lovely.

Right.

Your carriage awaits.

Thank you.

(RAQUEL) This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it?

(DEL) You reckon?

(RAQUEL) That's my favourite film.

(DEL) Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it's mine.

Really?

(DEL) My favourite bit is when the big spaceship comes down

and all the Martians come out.

(RAQUEL) That's Close Encounters.

(DEL) Yeah, I love it.

I always thought you were such a quiet person.

They're the ones you've gotta watch.

But just now you were so...

well, tough.

I get by.

I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened.

Those punks back there are used to people running scared from them.

They don't scare me.

This is my jungle

and I'm at the top of the tree.

What's wrong, Rodney?

Nothing.

why are we going so fast?

I love speed.

You said we were going to cruise.

Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly.

And that's from moi.

Sorry about that. I had to get a message to a friend.

That's OK.

Get stuck in. Don't wait for me.

This is wonderful.

You can't go wrong here.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, Raquel,

but I'm surprised to find someone like you — attractive and talented —

at a computer dating agency.

I might say the same about you.

A successful person —

managing director of his import—export business.

why did you go to them?

Dunno, really.

I suppose I was grabbing at straws.

I've been married before and that was a disaster,

and I've had relationships with men which have always ended unhappily.

Maybe it's been the same for you?

No. Blokes don't do a lot for me.

You know what I mean.

I found I used to take my relationships seriously.

Used to plan — stupid things like that.

But they were just playing a game.

Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement, I thought, "why not?"

At least I knew I'd be meeting someone who wanted me to be there.

— Was it the same for you? — Exactly, yeah.

I just thought that you'd be meeting lots of people on film sets

and that sort of thing.

Look, I've got to be honest with you.

The agency asked me what I did for a living, so I said I was an actress.

Well, I suppose that's what I am.

I'm a member of the union, at least.

I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago.

I was a lizard person.

I've done fringe theatre, that sort of thing,

but I never got the chance to "make it".

I gave it all up for nine years when I was married.

My husband thought there should only be one bread winner.

Yeah, my dad was like that.

He got up at six every morning to make sure Mum got to work.

No. Straight up.

Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career —

for what it was — but I can't see me doing anything.

Au contraire, Raquel. Au contraire.

This time next year, you'll be a star.

— Oh, come on. - No. She Who Dares Wins.

That is my motto.

I've always said that to my kid brother.

"Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires."

And look at you now.

Yeah. Look at me now.

The secret is, if you want something bad enough, you'll get it,

if you don't stop believing.

This is nice.

There's a lovely feeling of...

I don't know. Honesty.

Yeah, well...

That's what it's all about, innit?

- Mr Duval? —- Yes?

I'm sorry, sir. There's a call from your New York office.

Thank you, Charles. Sorry about this.

Please, it's no problem.

- Would you tell them I'm busy? — Of course, sir.

- Don't do this for me. - No. I'm enjoying the company.

I'm not going to have it spoilt by some problem in New York.

These Yanks have to learn to make decisions for themselves.

To success.

Wotcha, Dave!

Thank you, John.

When the agency phoned and mentioned you, I was really excited.

A man of the arts. You don't often meet someone interested in theatre.

Yeah. I love it.

Going into a theatre is so exhilarating. Just the feel of it.

Yeah. Gets me going an' all You can't whack a good play, can you?

Did you see the RSC's production of Moliére's Le Misanthrope?

No. I was out.

Out of the country?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was away on business.

You missed something wonderful.

I know. I was gutted.

That's the sort of play you like, is it?

Not really. I like anything to do with entertainment.

When I was a kid, my mum sent me to tap dancing lessons.

I loved it.

When I was about 17, another girl and me formed a pop duo.

Double Cream we called ourselves. We were rotten!

But that's what I mean. I like anything.

Pop music to heavy drama.

I just love the works of Shaw.

Oh, yeah.

# Like a puppet on a string... #

You're just putting me on!

No. I really do like it.

Thank you, Charles.

Thank you. I've really enjoyed this afternoon.

So have I.

Um... Do you fancy going out Saturday night?

Saturday? No, I can't make Saturday.

That's all right. Thought Id ask.

No. I'm always busy on Friday and Saturday nights at drama class.

Oh, drama class.

I teach.

Oh, right. Well, what about Monday night, then?

~ I'd love to. — Right.

Good. Where shall I meet you, then?

why don't you come round the flat?

Yeah. OK.

You don't have to worry. I'm not a pervo or anything.

I figured that one out.

I've kept you away from your business.

That's all right. My brother handles things when I'm not there.

Get his number!

I don't believe it! They only gave me this yesterday.

— Did you get it? - No, he was going too fast.

But there can't be too many yellow three—wheeled vans around here.

That's right. I'L get him. You see if I don't.

(HORN BEEPS, SHOUTING)

You...

Don't ever do that again.

What's wrong, Nerys?

Nerys?

(SADE SONG PLAYING)

— Do you want another brandy? - No. I'm fine, thanks.

Please sit down.

Right.

You didn't have to cook a meal I said I'd take you out for dinner.

It's my way of saying thank you for the Lunchtime.

well, it was really lovely. Thank you.

Do you think your car will be all right out there?

We get a lot of vandalism here.

That's why I didn't bring the car.

You leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to.

Oh, good.

These flowers lasted well, didn't they?

I'm not throwing them away.

They're my memories of a lovely day.

Do you want a coffee?

Yes, please.

Raquel...

Mmm.

I like you.

I like you.

Good.

- Um... — Look at the state of this wall.

Yeah. It's horrible, innit?

Yeah, listen, I wanted to ask you something.

Oh, Del.

Wait a while, eh?

See how we feel.

No, no, not that. No. Cor blimey, no!

No. I had this idea that might help you

and I wanted to talk to you about it.

You see, I've got a friend who's a mason...

I don't need a mason. A plasterer can do that.

No, no. I don't mean a stone mason. I mean a Masonic mason.

You know, it's...

Come in here and let me talk to you. Put that down.

Sit down.

- You're a talented actress, right? — Says who?

Says me. I can tell these things.

But life has never given you a decent break,

and you can't prove yourself until someone gives you that break, right?

Yeah.

Right. well...

My friend's fellow mason is a television director.

Right?

So if I become a mason,

I can get him to give you that break — put you in a show.

why would he do that? He doesn't even know me.

He don't have to. Masons have to do favours for each other.

He couldn't refuse to help me.

But what favour would you do him?

I don't know. I'll drop him a monkey or something.

He'll be as sweet as a nut.

You'd actually join the masons just to help me?

Yeah.

I mean, it's no sweat.

It's only the masons. It's not like the Moonies.

They chuck a good dinner and dance an' all

But I'll be cheating, wouldn't I?

Of course you wouldn't be cheating. I'll do all that for you.

I mean I'd be using inside influence to further my career.

That's the name of the game, innit? It's who you know.

You can't hang about for three years waiting to be discovered.

You've got to get in before you're past your sell-by date.

- Thanks. - You know what I mean.

I mean, this is your first opportunity,

it could be your last.

You've got to get in while the going's good. She Who Dares Wins.

well, I...

I'll leave it up to you. Whatever you think best.

AlL right.

You do the coffee and I'll do the bizzo.

Do you think it'll work?

Yeah, 'course. It'll be a piece of cake.

They've been begging me to join their lodge for years.

(PHONE RINGS, DOG BARKS)

Get out of there, Duke!

Get out!

Daddy will be cross!

Marlene! That dog is in my aquarium again!

I've told him to get out, but he don't take any notice!

He'll take some bloody notice when I put piranha in there!

You're the master of the house, you get him out!

Hello. This is the Boyce house.

Marlene, it's Del Boy. How are you, sweetheart?

Oh, hello, Del. How's tricks?

Never better. Is the old man about?

Yeah, unfortunately. I'll get him for you.

Del, when you've finished, don't put the receiver down.

I want a word with you about Albert's birthday.

Oh, Gawd! It's this Friday, innit?

Raquel?

We've got a bit of a celebration on Friday. Do you fancy it?

Not Friday. I'm at drama class.

Oh, yeah.

Couldn't you knock it on the head just for this week?

- I'd like you to meet my family. - I can't. It's the final rehearsal

Anyway, I'm no good at meeting families.

I always say something stupid.

You haven't met my family.

Hello.

Hello, Boycie. Del Boy.

Yeah, listen. I want you to do me a very big favour.

I want you to recommend me for membership to your Masonic lodge.

What's happened, Del? Someone slip angel dust in your pina colada?

Oh, no, no.

Only the most respected members of our society can join my lodge.

You said they'd take anyone.

Yeah, but it wouldn't stretch to you. You'd be blackballed.

It'll be a doddle. One of my best friends is a member.

- Who? - You.

Oh. No, no, Del.

I couldn't possibly consider proposing someone like you.

No. Listen, Boycie, I'd be a very good mason.

I can prove it. Masons are supposed to do each other favours, right?

You do me the favour of proposing me, and I'lL do one for you.

And what might that be?

I won't tell Marlene about that bird in Sheffield.

You wouldn't?

Try me.

No, no, no, Del

You may be many things, but you are not a grass.

I don't think we've got anything else to say. Bye for now.

Don't put it down. I want to talk about Albert's birthday.

Del? What do you think he'd like for a present?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I do know that he does like a bit of fishing,

and he was talking about getting himself a proper anglers' knife.

But it must be made of Sheffield steel.

~ Sheffield? — Give us that phone!

Yes, Boycie? Thank you, Boyce.

Thank you. Bye.

(PLAYS AND SINGS TUNELESSLY)

Look at that daft old twonk.

Be grateful for small mercies. The Queen has two birthdays a year.

- That's true. - Del. You promised me, mate.

What can I do, Mike? You've given him too much to drink.

He's started to slur his words. He's offended some of the ladies.

— How do you mean? — Well, he wanted a rum and black,

but he ordered a bum and rack.

Well, cross your fingers he doesn't fancy a Bucks Fizz.

Come on, then, tell us. What happened at the Masonic lodge last night?

Oh, yeah.

I had to meet the committee members — try to make a good impression.

So are you a mason now?

No, no, not yet. The committee are discussing me this evening.

As Boycie said, there's always the chance that I could be blackballed.

What's that, part of the initiation ceremony?

You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball.

To vote, they put one of their balls in a bag.

— Snooker balls? - Yeah.

Got you.

And when they empty the bag, if all the balls are white, you're in,

but if there's one black ball — just one — you're out.

You're doing all this for Raquel?

Yeah.

She's worth it, Rodney.

I can't wait to meet her. Is she coming tonight?

- No, she can't. She's rehearsing. - What in?

A rehearsal room, I suppose.

No. I mean what play?

Oh. I don't know. Something deep and meaningful.

One of them Russian jobs most probably.

The ones we don't watch on BBC2? Chekhov, that sort of stuff?

No. They was the ones I never used to watch,

but in them days I wasn't esoteric.

No?

No. Raquel's taught me what's what.

Oh, yeah.

Stick me in front of TV with a Singapore Sling and a bit of Chekhov

and I'm as happy as a sand boy.

She's good news, Rodney. She really is.

She's lovely, she's beautiful, she's talented.

She got a good pair of lungs on her.

Yeah?

Yes. She's got a good singing voice.

She's got a voice that's a cross between Kiri Te Kanawa

with a little touch of Whitney Houston.

Lovely. Just what the doctor ordered.

Here's Boycie. Boycie!

Over here!

Sit yourself down, Boycie.

Have the committee come to a decision?

Yes, Derek, and it's bad news.

Well, bad news for you at least. You were blackballed.

Oh, no.

Someone put a black ball in the bag? who?

When they emptied the bag, there was more than one black ball

— Blimey. — Let's put it this way...

Like the bottom of a rabbit's hutch.

I'm sorry, Derek. I did my best.

What am I going to tell Raquel now?

Look, if she's as talented as you say she is,

she don't need you bribing some television director.

Her talent will win through.

You're right, Rodney.

You're right. Yeah.

She's going to be a star because she's got talent.

(ALBERT SHOUTS)

Which is more than you can say for that old git.

# Oh, I put me finger in a woodpecker's hole

# And the woodpecker said, "Gawd bless my soul!

# "Take it out, take it out

# "Wiggle it about, remove it!" #

Albert, that is enough!

Del, can't you chuck him in the van and drive him home?

With that engine, you must be joking.

It needed a walking frame to get here.

— It was going all right before. — When was that?

I saw Dave. Some of his mates were following him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, but the engine was well lumpy then, Del

It was going a fair old lick though.

Yeah, but it was making a terrible noise.

Hang on. What's this all about?

(ALBERT) All together now... # LL. #

Albert Trotter?

Aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter, late of her Majesty's ship Peerless?

— Aye, sir. - I'm placing you under arrest.

— They're nicking him, look. — What's going on?

You will be taken to Portsmouth where you will await court martial

Yeah, but... But why?

Dereliction of duty.

November 19th 1941, while serving with the Royal Pacific Fleet,

you did wantonly abandon your watch duties,

causing the sinking of HMS Peerless

and damaging the American vessel USS Pittsburgh.

But that was nearly 50 years ago.

The papers have just been found in the Admiralty vaults in Singapore.

I couldn't understand the radar. It was all blibs and blobs.

— Read the charges, Petty Officer. — Aye aye, sir.

Able Seaman Albert Trotter,

you are ordered by Her Majesty the Queen, the Lords of the Admiralty,

and by all your friends and relatives

to have a very happy birthday!

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow boat to China

# All to myself

# Alone... #

- Is this your birthday surprise? - Yeah.

I saw this strippergram in the local paper.

I've done him up like a kipper. Look at his face!

You wait! I'L get you for this, you toerag!

# I'd like to... #

Raquel?

Raquel? Is this the actress you've been telling us so much about?

(LAUGHTER)

That's your Raquel?

AlL right?

Oddly enough,

I am not all right!

Del, don't get out of your pram over it.

Don't get out of my pram?!

Don't get out of my pram?

She's just humiliated me in front of my friends!

But you booked her.

I did not book her, Rodney! I booked a strippergram.

I did not know it was her

because I did not know she did that for a living.

I thought she was an actress because she said she was.

Instead she goes round pubs dressed in stockings,

flashing her thre'penny bits!

I shouldn't worry about it.

I don't think many people noticed.

Anyway, what about when you went out with that bird Monique?

She used to go round in public wearing next to nothing.

She was a lifeguard!

well, yeah, all right.

Del!

Wait a minute!

I wouldn't talk to him yet, love.

He'll calm down in a year or two.

You lied to me!

No, I didn't!

I never told you I wasn't a stripper!

Anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black.

Your name is Trotter. You told me you were called Derek Duval!

Derek Duval?

That was just a slip of the tongue.

And you didn't tell me you were a market trader.

I suppose this is the Ferrari!

All right. So I might occasionally tell the odd porkie or two.

I tell you something I don't do.

I don't go round pubs dressed in stockings

flashing me boobs at geezers! Do I, Rodney?

No. He's never done that.

Thank you.

Oh, Del, please listen to me.

I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons.

What do you think I live on?

I don't know. I thought you was on the old rock "n" roll

No, I'm not on the dole. I pay for my own way in this world.

I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living.

I don't bloody like it either!

You said you wanted me to meet your family.

I meant with your bloody clothes on!

I got blackballed for you.

I'm sorry.

Before you start moralising, just remember one thing — you booked me.

I didn't know it was you.

So it's all right for you to leer over a stranger?

Yes!

No... Oh, I don't know!

Look...

This is probably a daft question but...

do you want to see me any more?

Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart.

But I'll pay at the door like the other punters.

There was no need to say that to her, Del.

I know there wasn't.

Now I wish I hadn't.

Like most things in my life...

it's too bloody late.

(ENGINE WHIRRS)

I fancied a bit of a walk anyway.

Is that true, then?

Is what true?

All these rumours about you falling in love with some stripper.

Oh, leave it out, Sid! I wasn't in love with her.

I was just knocking about with her.

That's what I thought. Del Boy wouldn't get serious over some tart.

No. What do they think I am? Some sort of wally?

A cup of tea please, Sid?

AlL right?

What's up with you now?

Is it the £175 repair bill for the van?

Is it her?

- Her? — Raquel.

I've never known anyone called Raquel.

No. Right.

Are you coming down the Coach the Horses tonight? They've got a strip...

..comedian on.

No, I don't think so. I'll stay in and watch a bit of telly.

There's one of them Chekhov plays on BBC2.

Load of old cobblers.

Raquel, what a lovely surprise.

Look who's here, Del.

You got time for a cup of tea?

I don't know.

Have I got time for a cup of tea?

It's a free country.

See, I told you he'd mellow after a bit.

well, I've got to go somewhere to...

well, I've got to go somewhere.

Here, have my tea.

(WOMAN) Oi, Rodney!

(RODNEY) Oh, hello, Mrs Samson.

(MRS SAMSON) What did you do to my Nerys? White as a sheet she was.

(RODNEY) It weren't me. It was some yobs.

What sort of week have you had?

Blinding. You?

Rotten.

It's a tough old world.

Tougher than I ever imagined.

I've resigned from the strippergram agency.

- Good. — I've signed on the dole.

It's a step up the ladder, innit?

why didn't you tell me what you did for a living?

I didn't want you to find out in that way.

Look, I took a job to give birthday greetings to Albert Trotter.

It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter.

If I'd known your real name, I wouldn't have taken the job.

You still didn't tell me what you did for a living.

I was hoping there'd be no need to.

After I met you and I realised we were...

becoming close,

I planned to pack the whole strippergram business in.

It just didn't work out that way.

I thought I knew you.

I knew nothing.

You were all disguises and secrets.

Sorry.

I'm going on a tour.

Yeah? I bet it's a mystery one.

No, it's no mystery.

An agent called me. It could be helpful to my career.

Cushty.

You won't have to worry about bumping into me.

It's a tour of the Middle East.

The Middle East?

I didn't know they went in for Uncle Vanya and Run For Your Wife.

No, it's not a play, it's a revue. Dancing, that sort of thing.

Oh, use your noddle, Raquel.

You read about that sort of thing in the papers.

You'll end up as a hostess in some topless dive in the casbah.

No. It's an official tour. All above board.

You'll probably get kidnapped and end up in a harlem.

Don't be silly.

If that's what you want.

It's not what I want. It's the next best thing.

It's a shame we weren't more honest with each other.

Look, I was straight with you.

Oh, all right, so I called meself Duval

That's nothing, is it? That's just a joke.

I didn't tell you any other lies.

— Del? — What's he want?

Maybe it's another call from your New York office.

Del, I just want to say thanks.

What for?

For lots of things.

For being the only man I've ever met who wanted me to keep my clothes on.

For getting blackballed for me.

For giving me back some self esteem.

I used to look in the mirror and think, "Oh, you again".

But after I met you, I used to think,

"Great. Another day.

"You're going to be somebody.

"This time next year, I'lL be famous."

Thanks for that.

Raquel...

would you like some of my fried bread?

Yes.

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow afternoon.

I've got a cab coming at 12.

It's taking me to Waterloo Station.

That's ironic, isn't it?

It doesn't have to be the end. We could still see each other.

Yeah. I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show.

I mean I don't have to go.

You said you'd agreed to it.

If I'm not there, I'm not there. They'll have to find a replacement.

Thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this.

I don't know what to say, sweetheart.

It's taken me a bit by surprise.

I've done all my thinking and I know what I want.

If you want me to stay, then I will

I'm not talking about any commitment like marriage or living together.

We could just...

be there for each other.

Think about it, won't you?

Yeah. Of course I will

If you like the idea, just be at my flat tomorrow.

If not, I'll understand.

Yeah.

I just need a bit of time, that's all.

OK.

Thanks for the fried bread.

I'll see you...

maybe?

— It was funny at the time. — Del didn't seem to think so.

No. Well, he wouldn't, would he?

Del's been taking it all very well, actually.

we'll have to take your word for that. He ain't been in since.

He had a bit of thinking to do last night. He had a decision to make.

What? Whether to pay the bill from the Strippergram agency?

Mike, you're getting bang out of order...

Morning, all

Same again for Rodney, a Singapore Sling for me...

a small rum for Elton John over there, and have one yourself.

Cheers, Del

So...what are you doing?

well, I've been thinking about her all night last night, Rodney.

She's had a tough old life.

Her old man was a rough—house, the other blokes were no better.

She's had nothing but bad luck.

Then she met me.

Bloody "ell, life's a bitch, innit?

That is when her luck changed, Rodney!

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Yeah, of course.

I've always been bad luck to women.

- No, you ain't. - No.

I have, I have. Thanks, Mike.

I was thinking back last night to all the birds that I've known.

I've brought them all nothing but bad luck.

I'm a bit like that Little Joe.

Little Joe?

Yeah. In Bonanza. Little Joe.

You ain't, Del, you're nothing like him.

Not in Looks. I mean, he's an ugly—looking git.

You know whenever you watch an episode of Bonanza

and Little Joe falls in love with a woman, you know she's gonna die.

As soon as he starts stronging it with a sort,

you can guarantee she's going to catch a fever,

get trampled in a stampede or the Indians will have her.

That's not going to happen to Raquel.

No, I know it won't. No. I thought about it last night.

I thought, "Whatever happens,

"Raquel is not going to end up full of arrows."

So I thought I'd give myself a quick livener, then go round to her flat.

Yeah. well done, Del Stuff what the others think.

That's right, bruv.

Thank you, Rodney. You stuck by me. You're a diamond.

— Oh, get off, will you? - No, you are.

I'll never forget that.

- You did laugh at the time though. - I didn't know who it was!

So this is all serious stuff?

Well, we're not talking about marriage or even living together,

it's just that...

Just... We're going to be there for each other.

Cheers. Cheers, Rodney.

— All the best, Del. - Cheers.

You can imagine how I felt, can't you? I felt like a right dipstick.

I know we all had a laugh at you, but no offence was meant.

It's all right, Mike. It's all forgotten about.

Albert took it well, although he did threaten to get even.

Del ain't eaten a thing Albert's cooked ever since.

Talking of Albert, take that rum over, Rodney.

Look at the time. I'm supposed to be round Raquel's by noon.

- Tell her to pop in for a drink. - I will, Mike. Cheers.

There you go, Albert.

So has he reached a decision?

Yeah. He's going round to her flat.

Good. She wouldn't have been happy touring round the Middle East.

I never liked it over there.

Did I tell you about that time I was in Cairo?

Yes, you must have, Albert, you must have.

Oh, Gawd!

What's up, Rodney?

I gotta go.

Blimey, you want to clean your pipes out, Mike.

It's gone right through him.

Anyway, I must be off. I'll see ya. Ta ta.

Is your name Trotter?

Yes, that's my name.

Is that your yellow van out there?

What, the one with Trotter written on the side?

Yes, that's mine.

A couple of weeks ago, a yellow van very similar to yours

shot the lights between Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane.

We're questioning the owners of all such vehicles.

oh!

Well, look no further, officers.

It was me.

It's a fair cop. I done it.

You disappoint me, Uncle.

Mr Trotter. Either you're not taking this very seriously

or you don't understand the full implications of your last statement.

Come on, darling, I'm a bit pushed for time. Can we get on with it?

- What do you mean? - You know what I mean. Hurry up.

Get "em off!

I thought you'd come up with something more original than that.

It's got nothing to do with me, son!

If it wasn't anything to do with you, what...?

Oh, my Gawd!

Nick him!

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow boat to China

# All to myself... #

No. Please! I've got to meet someone at noon.

You are going to meet someone — our desk sergeant.

I'm sure you two will get on like a house on fire.

# Leave all your lovers

# On a faraway shore... #

Look, can you take me round to Herrington Road?

I gotta meet someone. It's left here.

If you could just go...

Oh, thanks very much, pal!

# Melting your heart of stone

# I'd like to get you

# On a slow... #

— Can I at least use your phone? - You're allowed one phone call.

— Thanks. What's the time? — Twenty to one.

Oh, terrific!

You don't know the code for Addis Ababa, do you?

# We've got some half-price cracked ice

# Miles and miles of carpet tiles

# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs

# Ball games, gold chains, what's—their-names and at a push

# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush

# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush

# No income tax, no VAT

# No money back, no guarantee

# Black or white, rich or broke

# we'll cut prices at a stroke

# God bless Hooky Street

# Viva Hooky Street

# Long live Hooky Street

# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street

# Magnifique, Hooky Street Hooky Street... #