Original subtitles

- Are you alright madame?

Oh, I'm sorry, I've spilled everything out of my case, I don't think the catch is working properly,

I don't know what it is – thank you very much.

So anyway, I says to her right, you know,

I mean as gently as I could like I said, 'Engagement is a big step'.

Yeah terrific, yeah right.

I said you know, 'It's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly'.

No, no it isn't.

Oh look at that. Oi, Calvin, spill your lager over this bar once more

and I'll smack you right side of the bloody ear 'ole.

Sorry Del man.

This is not polyester you know, this is pure crimplene.

- As I was saying... - Have you seen Boycie Del?

- No no not recently, why? - Well he's looking for you, says it's urgent.

Oh well, he knows where to find me Michael don't he eh? Knows where to find me.

Now where was I?

Hey, are you still going out with that little sort?

Imogen, yeah, I'm still going out with her, that's what I've been telling you for the last ten minutes.

Oh why, what's up then?

Hello Corrie love how are you alright?

Yeah, go on.

She's getting a little bit too serious for my liking,

and I'm trying to find a way of cooling her down a bit but I don't want to hurt her.

All you've got to say is, you got to say, 'Imogen, you're giving me the hump.

Now go away and haunt someone else for a change!'

Yeah that's pretty... Del innit? I don't believe you.

You're too soft with her Rodney, you're too soft, that is your trouble.

Look, here y'are, you get the drinks in 'cause I'm going to pop over there to do a bit of business.

Vicky, can I have a pint of lager in there and what's Del drinking these days?

Oh God knows, Tuesday it was a Bacardi and Russian, last week it was Grand Marnier and Orange,

the week before that was Dubonnet and Coke.

Oh, give us a Tia Maria and Lucozade then.

There you go look, it's fifteen quid, I can't say fairer than that - it's none of your foreign rubbish, look it's Japanese.

Del, I've already got a watch.

- Call that a watch? That's crap that is, that's crap. - You didn't say that when you sold it to me.

No, no, Ted what I meant was, well, I mean its had it's day innit?

Look, here, here, fifteen quid right, that's what I paid for it, you're getting it at cost.

- Del, I don't fancy it. - Alright then, for you, a tenner, as it's the last one.

Ten?

Here, it's got a scratch on the face.

Oh don't worry about that I'll get you another one from the back of the van.

Look it plays 36 different national anthems, it tells you what day of the week it is and it's a calculator an' all.

Blimey, is that the time?

Oh no it's still set on Oriental hours innit? Get your money out, I'll be back in a tick. Back in a tick, I like it.

- I was there Ruby. - Where, yeah but which one were you then?

No, I didn't mean I was in the film, I meant I was in the battle.

What battle is it?

God knows I can't hear a bleeding thing with all this monkey music.

Must have taken a lot of courage to do what you did Albert?

- All them sharks and icebergs. - Yeah, and a giant octopus.

Oh, it gives me itchy fever just thinking about it.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines,

kamikaze pilots - that's why I never talk about it Rube.

My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

Yeah - sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day. Bloody glad when they put him away I was.

What did it was the tragedy that happened to our son.

Harry just never got over it, he was such a lively lad, he went to school with Del Boy,

they used to sit next to each other in class, Del must have mentioned him, Slater, Roy Slater.

Slater - don't remember Rube.

No, well maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about, he was only 18, he had all his life before him.

What was it a motor-cycle accident?

No he, he joined the police, he's one of their top men now, he's put more people behind bars than Watneys.

I know it looks like...? That's why the girls...? Boycie.

- Can I have a quiet word? - Yeah sure - watcha Abdul alright my son?

Very well thank you.

Hey, are you still up at that Hatton Garden are you?

Yes, I am still at Hatton Garden. Could I have a word with you please?

- Yeah course you can, why not? - We'll be in the back room.

Oh, oh alright I'll just get me drink.

Here, I've got to do a bit of business with Boycie and Abdulla.

Oi, saucy mare.

It's orders from the governor, there's a lot of forged money floating round.

- You didn't check his money just now. - Yeah well, that's different innit?

I'm going right off that girl - see you in a minute.

- Alright Dave? - Watcha Trig, how you going?

Alright, I'm feeling lucky tonight, you never know, I might pull

so I thought I'd have a dab of Blue Stratos, put me best clothes on.

- Yeah, what stopped you then? - These are my best clothes.

- Hello darling, where you been all my life? - Piss off!

- I always use that line with thebirds. - Yeah? Why?

Dunno really, it never worked.

I see, so what sort of deal is it?

I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs this business in Amsterdam.

Amsterdam - Amsterdam in Holland you mean?

I told you he was the right man for the job, didn't I Abdul?

My brother Sayeed has done business with him in the past.

Do you know my brother lives in France now.

- No, no I didn't know that. - Yes, yes, he's doing very well.

- Is he? - Yeah, he's married now.

- Oh good. - His wife's expecting.

Get on with it Abdul for God's sake, otherwise we'll be here all bleeding night.

Yes well, last week I flew to Amsterdam to see this gentleman in question,

a Mr Van Kleefe and after some preliminary discussions Mr Van Kleefe has agreed to sell us some merchandise.

- Merchandise, what sort of merchandise? - Diamonds.

- Diamonds? - Thirty of them cut and polished blue diamonds.

- Top of the range Del Boy. - Blimey, it's going to cost an arm and a leg innit?

Fifty grand.

Fifty grand, you and Abdul are weighing out fifty grand?

In England they have a market value of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds.

Bloody hell - I take it you're not going to bother to inform our friends at Customs and Excise of this little matter?

No, well they're rather busy. I think they'd appreciate it.

Really? Well anyway where do I come into all this?

You're not expecting me to buy any off you are you?

The thing is you know, I've had a few bad results lately and I'm potless.

Leave off Del Boy, these gems sell at around five grand apiece.

What we are asking you to do Derek is – is to take the money to Amsterdam for us.

You want me to take fifty thousand pounds to Amsterdam?

- Yeah and... - And what?

And bring the diamonds back.

Do you know for a minute there I thought you were serious.

We are very serious Del, deadly serious.

There is nothing to worry about Derek, Mr Van Kleefe has completed many of these transactions

and he assures us nothing ever goes wrong.

Up your kilt. What do you think I am? A total wally or something?

We would look after you Derek.

Yes, I'm sure you would. You'd visit me once a month wouldn't you eh?

Bring me cakes with files in – you find yourself another mug.

We'll give you ten grand.

- Ten thousand pounds? - Alright twelve.

I knew he'd haggle.

You berk Abdul. Alright Del twelve grand.

Just think of it Del Boy twelve big 'uns – set you up a treat for the future.

And there will be no problems, it will all be as easy as apple tart.

Well if it's as easy as apple tart how come you two ain't going yourselves?

Well we're both scared of flying ain't we?

Oh leave it out Boycie, Abdul's done more flying than sparrows.

No, no, it would look very suspicious for me a registered Hatton Garden merchant

to fly to Amsterdam too often.

I don't know about this.

Look Del, we chose you specially, we needed someone we knew, someone we could trust.

- Someone who was skint. - What happens if I get caught?

Well Abdul and me have done our money haven't we?

Done your money, your money? I stand to get banged up for five years.

Right Del - fifteen grand.

Not much use to you when you're locked up in the Scrubs though is it eh?

We are paying you to take the risk Derek.

It's a big gamble Del - and he who dares wins don’t he?

'Course if it's too big for you Del, if you think you're a bit out of your depth just say so.

Fifteen.

See my problem is I don't want to hurt her, 'cause Imogen's a lovely kid you know,

I mean she's gentle, she's sensitive and on top of all that she cares.

I reckon she'd do a turn if you played your cards right.

What's the point in discussing it with you eh Trig? We're talking on two different levels.

Two and a half weeks we were adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean - got a nice tan though.

Come on Albert we're going home. Quick Rodney, come on, home.

Well suppose I ought to be getting on really – give Imogen a ring,

tell her it's all over between us. Sorry can I just get past you?

Sorry. Sorry, I was just trying to... Hello Imogen.

Look, I know what you're doing, I just don't understand why?

Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said 'Del Boy' she said.

No, no, don't start on that. What do you think the odds are of you getting caught?

Oh shut up Rodney, you've been going on about it all night.

Del, you are smuggling diamonds.

Do you think you could yell just a bit louder,

'cause there's a geezer down there at the other end of the market who didn't quite catch it all?

Del, do you realise what you're getting into?

Yes I do know what I'm getting into, fifteen grand is what I'm getting into.

Look Rodney, this is not drugs or guns is it?

I mean that, that sort of stuff kills people – it's only little diamonds –

I try to bring down the cost of getting engaged, I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased.

- Yeah well, me and Imogen's finished. - Oh so you finally told her then did you?

- Yeah, sort of. - Did she cry?

No, look Del smuggling diamonds is still illegal.

It's only illegal because Boycie and Abdul ain't paying any import tax.

Alright, right, supposing they pay import tax then eh?

What do you think the government is going to do with that -

they're only going to go out and buy another Strident missile ain't they eh?

So you're telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace?

Every little bit helps Rodney.

Well why don't you bring back a load of diamonds Del? You might end up with the Nobel Prize.

Hadn't thought of that.

Now come on Rodney we'll waltz through the customs at Gatwick, they wouldn't take any notice of us.

Del, what do you know about diamonds eh, I mean to you diamonds are them things that you wear in your cufflinks and,

to be quite honest with you I've seen better cats eyes.

I don't have to know anything, Abdul's in charge of that side, we're just the couriers.

Hang on a minute - what do you mean we?

Look, you don't think I'm going to cut my little kid brother out of a deal like this do you?

- What sort of bloke do you think I am? - Well your little kid brother don't want a cut in.

A little while ago you said you wanted to be a courier.

Yeah, for Club 18-30.

Look, I'm going to need you on this one Rodney 'cause when that aeroplane lands you're going to be my diversion.

Do you know how long I'd go away for, I've already got a record for possession of cannabis, ain't I?

Exactly, and that is what's going to be my diversion 'cause not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond trade,

it's also the drugs capital of Europe right?

So when we go through passport control they see Rodney Trotter nipping off to Holland they're going to say,

'Oh, that little rascal he's after the old exotic stuff again'.

When we come back through Customs who are they going to nab,

me the sophisticated jet-setter in a camel-hair coat, or you the boomtown rat?

Well they'll pull me won't they?

So whilst you're inside being strip searched you know and all that game –

me and the diamonds have been having it away down the kermit!

Oh terrific, so while you're up the road jollying it up, it's touch your toes time for Rodney.

Oh you won't come to any harm Rodney, it'll only be a minor discomfort –

they'll let you go in a couple of hours and then you come home to five lovely grand - your share.

Five grand?

Five grand. Buy an awful lot of lollypops for five grand Rodney,

get yourself a nice second-hand Capri, whip round to Imogens,

get your old card stamped, know what I mean?

I don't know, I've never actually been to Amsterdam, I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an 'oliday, eh?

Well, yeah, I mean we'll be there at least an hour.

Look come on while you're thinking about it let's try and knock some of this gear out

and make some of that stuff that we read about called profit

'cause if all this falls through bruv we are right skint.

- Denzil my son. - No.

No what?

No I don't want to buy anything,

no I don't want to sell anything and no I don't want you to make me a millionaire!

Innit, innit marvelous eh? Innit marvelous?

You just stop to say hello to an old mate and all you get is a load of old verbal –

I don't want anything Denzil honest. What you carrying?

Nothing it's empty.

Ah well, I could fill it up or you. You could earn yourself a few bob.

Look, just leave me alone will you, alright?

Corinne and I have just got back together again and I've had to promise her that I'd stop seeing you,

stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job.

Is it my fault you married a wrong 'un? It's no reason to give me a bolly.

Hang about there for a minute, I'll be back.

It's everywhere I go you know, he's on the phone to me, he's at me front door,

he's in the betting shop, he's in the pub and now he's in a bloody traffic jam.

You know what Rodney, I get this feeling that he's haunting me, know what I mean?

Yeah - yeah I know exactly what you mean.

Hey what's up with him, what have I done now?

I can't understand it Del, I mean all you've ever done is ruin his wedding reception, almost break up his marriage,

flood his kitchen and steal his 2,000 pounds redundancy money, and he goes and gets all silly about it.

These are Japanese and these...

...are hairy knees. Right, now now what's the difference, I'll tell you what the difference is -

These will not give you the time in all the major capital cities of the world, neither are they a calculator,

nor do they play thirty-six different national anthems, but this...

...well this is a quality timepiece of precision craftsmanship that will cost you 67 pounds upwards -

now, I'm not going to ask you for 67 pounds oh no, I'm not going to ask you for 47, I'm not asking 37 pounds.

Steady on Del, think of the profit margin.

No no don't interrupt me now Rodney 'cause not while I'm in my stride,

I'm not asking you for 27 pounds, this is 15 pounds for this quality watch ladies and gentlemen, that's all,

this beautiful timepiece, yes ladies and gentlemen for a mere 20 quid.

- No no you said fifteen. - I beg your pardon madame.

- You said fifteen. - No I didn't.

Hold on, hold on Rodney, no hold on, I do believe that I said 15 pounds, I'm sorry, I must be going mad,

I'm sure I said, I'm going, alright darling just to show you that I'm a man of my word,

go on you can have this watch for fifteen quid, go on, steal it from me.

Go on, I'm losing money on the deal, right Rodney come on,

get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase, 'cause there'll be a mad rush in a minute.

- Oh they're not going all that well are they? - They're going down like saveloys in a kibbut.

If I could just sell one I know that the others would follow...

Here just a minute I've had an idea, watch this...

Right here you are, listen ladies and gentlemen, listen, listen, excuse me just a moment, give us your time

'cause I've just had a business discussion with my partner here on my right

who informs me that we desperately need the space in the suitcase right?

So what I am going to have to do, I'm going to have to give these watches away so here you go,

I'm going to give them away at ten pounds each there you go,

go on, ten quid, fifteen quid to the black bloke can't say fairer than that.

Why can't I have it for ten pounds then?

For ten pounds sir, course you can. Rodney take this man's money, there you go, there we've sold that one,

there we go, we're off and running, there we are, come on darling,

cast your bread upon the water, that's what I say, it'll come back tenfold. That's it, there you are,

alright listen - give us your money, take the money.

Alright, listen, hang about we'll be back in five minutes alright.

Don't look back!

- Del Boy. - Slater.

Well what a coincidence, I was just saying to Hoskins I wonder how my old mate Del Boy is, weren't I Hoskins?

- Eh? Oh yes sir. - How are you Rodney?

- Very well thank you Detective Inspector. - Chief Inspector.

Sorry, I didn't know you'd been promoted.

Yeah about six months back – I took Hoskins with me, he's my driver.

Oh, driver - everyone always said you'd be going places Terry.

Going places - oh yeah.

Here I saw your mum down the Nag's Head last night Slater.

- Yeah - she ask after me? - No.

Do you fancy a cup of tea Del?

Ah, actually Roy we're in a bit of a hurry if you don't mind.

I don't think you heard the question Del, I said do you fancy a cup of tea?

Well now you come to mention it, I am a bit parched.

- There you go Detective Inspector. - Chief.

- What? - I'm a chief now.

I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives.

Watch what you say Rodney, that Slater's a bastard.

I said...

- Watch what you say, Slater's a bastard. - Yeah I remember him from the last time.

He's on the warpath now, he's retiring soon and wants to go out in a blaze of glory.

Retiring - that's a bit early innit?

He's had no choice, it's come from the top they're forcing him out.

See, a little while ago Slater persuaded this young black fella to sign a full confession to being a peeping tom –

when the case gets to court it turns out he's a registered blind person –

- …bad publicity for the police innit? - What about the poor black bloke?

Oh he's not too upset they reckon he might get a record contract out of it, sh...

There you are Hoskins, bacon sandwich for you – are you sure you didn't want nothing to eat?

Yeah yeah, quite sure, we're not all that hungry actually Roy.

Anyway, what you doing back in the parish? Thought you'd been transferred to river police.

No not transferred no, that was just a special assignment, I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers.

Any luck?

Oh I caught them Del yes, even nabbed the ringleader, a geezer called Hendrix.

- They got away though, lack of evidence. - That's a choker innit?

- Oh, I'll have him down. - What, they still doing it then?

- How many times have you almost? - Twice.

Twice that's right but each time they've somehow managed to get shot of the diamonds -

if you haven't got them, you've got no evidence.

Between you and me Del I've heard a whisper they're trying it on again.

A couple of local businessmen shall we say have put the money up and we know who they are don't we Hoskins?

- Boycie and... - Hoskins.

Sorry sir.

But I don't know who the courier is, now unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him I'm knackered

- …this is where you come in Del. - Me? You don't think I'm the courier do you?

Leave off Del, this is big - no, the way I see it is this you hear all the gossip in the pubs and the clubs

now it's no skin of your nose if you ring me with a name,

after all these businessmen ain't puttin' no money your way are they?

You don't even have to say who's calling, make in anonymously, and I will make life very comfortable for you,

no more aggro from wooden-tops in the market.

- That's very fair of you Roy, innit? - Oh yeah, very fair.

This is my lat case Del, I'm retiring form the Met.

The Commissioner begged me to stay but I've had enough, I want my career to end on a high note.

Yeah, well 'course we wish you a lot of luck Slater.

I'll get 'em in the end Del, I never give up you see

once I get my teeth into something I don't let go – do you know what they call me at the Met?

- No. - Bulldog.

Oh - actually I have heard one or two people call you bulldog or words to that effect anyway.

That's the sort of guy I am, I never give up, so if you hear anything Del, you know my number.

Well it's been nice, like old school days you and me sat at the same desk -

only this time you didn't put frogspawn in me milk - you rascal.

Do you want me to pay for my breakfast Sid or what?

No, have it on the house Mr Slater.

Very nice of you Sidney, very nice indeed. You'd better pay for your breakfast Hoskins.

Thank you sir.

So you don't know if this courier is a man or a woman.

No, I hadn't thought of that, that's very good thinking Rodney.

- Have you ever thought about joining the police? - No, I'm ambitious.

Ha ha, very good - no all I know is

that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week and I'll be waiting for them.

- There you go young Terry. - Thanks Sid.

- Well that's that then, innit? - How do you mean?

You can't go head with it now can you? Slater's got all the airports covered.

He can't watch the airports 24 hours a day can he eh? Have to find another way of sneaking in?

- You owe me thirty-two pence Del. - Eh? No no, Mr Slater paid for ours.

Oh yes it has a full service record, taxed till the end of the month, it'll have no trouble passing its MOT.

Boyce someone on the phone wants you.

- Who is it? - Don't know.

Would you just say that I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment please Colin?

- He said it's something to do about diamonds. - I'll be right there.

Yes it's the new Austin Diamond coming out next year, still in the experimental stage –

do excuse me Mr Biggastaff?

Yeah, what up?

It's Del Boy. Listen, I've just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater,

- …you know bullshit of the yard. - Slater? What's he want?

- He knows. - How?

Look, I don't know do I? He's got more grasses than Fisons.

Well how much does he know?

Well he knows...He knows that you and Abdul have put the money up.

I don't believe it. Well, we can't pull out now Del, Abdul's just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef.

Alright, alright listen, don't panic, don't panic – he doesn't know who the courier is,

that's what he was pumping me about so I'm the last bloke he suspects.

Yeah well, it's alright for you I've still got fifty grand in my house, if Slater comes sniffing around

how am I going to explain that away. No - we've got to meet tonight,

I'll give you the money and Abdul can make the final arrangements.

Right, where shall we meet, your place?

You must be joking, my house might be under surveillance, we can't meet at Abdul's either for the same reason.

How about my flat?

You don't honestly think I'm going to walk across your estate with fifty grand on medo you?

You've got a point. What about the Nag's Head?

Leave off, he knows that's our local – anyway we can't meet in any public places,

he sees the three of us together he's got he full story.

We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded,

somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own and nobody will be able to se us.

- I know just the place. - Yeah, where?

The back of Denzil's bleeding lorry, I mean what a place to hold a meeting.

Personally I think it's a good idea - as Derek said this is the last place Slater would think of looking.

Yeah but I'm going to get grease stains on my coat, I am going to look a right mess.

I mean what has Denzil had in here? Smells like rotten fish.

Oh, stop your whining Boycie, you're like an old woman at times.

Alright, they're here.

Give me about 5 minutes.

You spot any danger, give us a signal, arlight?

Oi, what's the signal then?

You what?

Shall I beep the hooter?

No you wally, that'll attract all sorts of unwanted attention wouldn't it, eh?

Well shall I flash the lights?

How are we going to see flashing lights when we're in the back of a ruddy trailer?

- Alright then, so what's the signal? - Can you make a sound like an owl?

- An owl sound? - Yes you know like this?

- Oh that? - Yeah.

I can do bunny shadows though.

Enough of your bloody sarcasm Rodney, just think of a signal - back in a minute.

You don't think Slater suspects anything else do you?

No, if he'd suspected that he'd have been round with a search warrant by now.

'Ello 'elo 'ello, what are you doing in here then?

Get in here for God's sake will you?

Cor, it don't half hum in here don't it? Alright Abdul, got everything sorted out?

Yes the arrangements have all been made.

Of all the places on earth, why in God's name do we have to meet in the back of a stinking lorry?

Oh dear - look around you, can you think of a better place eh?

Look, no prying eyes, no plain clothes coppers, nobody knows we're in here.

What, do you mean Denzil don't know?

Course he don't, leave it out, he'd go diddley – no apart from Rodney out there in a van

we're the only three people in the world who know we're in here.

Alright, alright, leave it to me.

- Get your coat and a uniformed officer Hoskins. - Where are we off to sir?

Transport Cafe in Soweto Road, one of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry.

Righto sir. Parker, geta car round at the front.

I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time of the exchange

and you must be very clear about these matters Derek, so listen carefully.

The exchange will take place this coming Friday at twelve noon.

Twelve noon right.

That's right - now here is the address in Amsterdam, memorize it and then destroy it.

- Doesn't self destruct then? - Be serious Del, please. Friday at twelve right.

Alright, alright - got it.

My cousin, Hussein, will meet you in Van Kleefe's office.

Your cousin - stone me Abdul your family get everywhere don't they, got a brother in France, cousin in Holland.

Sure you ain't got no one out in outer Mongolia?

A very distant uncle, but we never talk about him.

My cousin is also a diamond merchant, he will be there to check the merchandise.

Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, do we Del Boy?

Watch it Boycie, my mum gave me them.

It's alright, so come on where's the money, where's the money?

There's fifty grand there Del Boy, please be careful with it.

- Trust me Boycie. - Of course we trust you.

What's the combination to this?

When you get to Van Kleefe's office you phone me and then I'll give the combination.

Oh that's terrific, that's a great deal of trust that is, innit eh?

One thing we forgot to mention, the most important thing of all, if anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong,

but if it should, you never heard of us.

Meaning that I had nothing to do with it, you never heard the name Van Kleefe.

It's just a percaution Del Boy.

- Terrific - that means I'm up on offer don't it eh? - That's what we're paying you fifteen grand for.

Alright, alright don't worry, won't be no comebacks. What about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets?

- Tickets!? You only need one Derek. - No, I'm taking my kid brother with me.

Taking Rodney, what is this a bloody outing?

No - Rodney is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the Customs - look,

it's going to be hard enough with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreted about amongst all the duty frees,

don't make it any harder.

Very well we will pay the expenses, it's alright.

- Don't lump 'em up too much though. - No, alright.

- Right, I'm off. - Are you? I wondered what the smell was. Alright.

Right we'll see you next Friday when you return - good luck Derek.

- Best of luck Del Boy. - And you.

Give us a minute to get clear.

Parker down there. Hoskins check over the back there.

- What was that sir? - Don't know, sounded like a crow.

Crow!?

Oh my God! Oh God, they'll throw the bloody key away.

Go on get on with it or we'll never get home tonight.

- Any luck? - Not yet sir.

This looks promising sir.

Take over Hoskins.

- Alright Parker. - Me?

What is that?

I don't know but whatever it is, it's been dead a fortnight.

Right, we'll have a quick shufti over the back then we'll call it a night.

Some of these lorry drivers invite crime don't they?

Denzil, Denzil, Denzil, wait I'm in here. Is that you?

Denzil you plonker.

Oh come on please, please, I'll clean ya, I'll clean ya.

Denzil, Denzil this is your friend speaking

I'll do you when I get hold of you.

Bloody hoax phone calls, my last station I had to put up with jokers.

Get to your desk Hoskins, might have had some new reports.

No, nothing yet sir.

I want a watch put on Boycie and Abdul, I want to know everywhere they go,

everything they do - got to make their move soon. Who's the courier Hoskins?

I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from but I don't know who's bringing it in.

Bound to be local sir.

Oh yeah wouldn't go far outside the parish, got to have someone they can trust - but who?

It's a mystery sir - no one's behaving in an unusual manner, well no more unusual than normal –

everyone's just carrying on the same.

Except the Trotters - went round the estate their van's missing, toured the area, no sign of it.

Maybe it's been nicked sir.

Nicked? If someone's nicked that three-wheel van of theirs we've got a dangerous maniac on our hands. Ha ha ha.

Take your point sir.

Something's just struck me Hoskins, maybe we've been underestimating Del Boy.

All these years he may have been fooling us with his 9 carat gold and his wide-awake suits,

I mean Del Boy's well acquainted with the ways of this world - he knows all the wrinkles,

he invented a lot of them himself, and his soppy brother has got GCEs.

What are you trying to say sir?

What I'm saying is Hoskins, maybe them two's more intelligent than we've given them credit for,

Yeah, it's all beginning to fit. The Dutch firm are the suppliers,

Boycie and Abdul are the money men and the Trotters are the brains.

You could be right sir.

I was only joking Hoskins, for God's sake ain't you got no sense of humour?

Sorry sir.

- That's a pound. - What?

I said that's a pound.

I've got 75 pence.

- Well that's not a pound is it? - Oh no, but this has only three wheels.

That's only got two but it's still a pound.

By the way be careful where you dump that thing will you?

Funny innit? I'm laughing, look.

- There's your tea Denzil. - Ta.

- Don't you want that breakfast? - Course I do, just a bit drowsy that's all.

You've been overworking love, I've seen it before with your lorry drivers trying to work 25 hours a day.

I know the money is good lovely, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary.

I'm always like this after a night drive.

You're looking tired lovely, you're dark round the eyes.

I'm dark around everywhere Lil. Listen, don't you worry about me,

I'm a big, strong lad you know, I'll prove it to you.

I'm not talking about physical illness, there's no knowing what lack of sleep and overwork does to the brain.

- I've seen it happen to them lovely. - Seen what happen?

Young fit men, went to pieces, started hearing things and seeing things

you slow down lovely, or you'll go the same way.

Is that you Rodney?

Yeah, it's me.

I knew you'd come and save me, you're a saint Rodders, oh, you're a 42-carat saint.

Come on, let's get you out of here.

It's been a nightmare Rodney, a bloody nightmare.

Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that.

Look, do you want something to eat or a cup of tea?

No. It's alright, we ain't got time for all that, we've got to get the aeroplane tickets and the lot ain't we eh?

Come on let's go, come on Rodney, come on.

- Where the bloody hell am I? - Hull.

- Hull? - what Hull in what's its name? - Yorkshire, yeah.

What the bloody hell am I doing in Hull?

Well this is where Denzil brought you innit? He's most probably got a load to pick up.

That bloody half-head Denzil, I'll get him, just see if I don't.

Oi, don't you think you ought to have a rest eh, get your strength back?

No I don't Rodney, just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible

otherwise I'll be saying hey-up and breeding whippets before I'm very much older - come on.

- Switch that off Rodney - take a look. - What?

- Boats. - Oh yeah.

- Big boats, little boats. - Yeah there's a red one, a white one look.

- Don't you see Rodney? - See what?

Slater has got all the airports covered. Why has he got all the airports covered?

'Cause that's how he thinks we're getting back into the country.

Yeah - but that's how we are getting back in the country.

- Not any more we ain't, we're going by boat. - Oh yes like it Derek, yeah, we get the Ferry.

Not the Ferry you plonker, the Customs there are going to be just as bad as they are at the airports.

No we're going to sail across in our own little boat.

Sorry?

We're going to sail out of here to Holland and back again and no one will be any the wiser.

We...we are going to...us, in the sea?

Rodney, it's not far look it's only across the water there look innit eh?

I mean, I remember seeing it on the map it's only, only that far.

Derek, we'll die.

No it'll be a piece of cake, we'll be in and out of there like a sour plum.

Del, we don't know the first thing about sailing a boat.

Oh Rodney, Rodney, use your filbert - I'm going to get one with an engine.

- Ahoy there, shipmate. - Morning.

- Any idea where I could hire a boat round here? - You want to hire a boat?

- What kind of boat? - Er, schooner.

- Schooner? - With an engine.

Schooner with an engine - follow me shipmate, I might have just the thing for you.

Oh tally-ho.

- Well Rodney, what do you reckon? - What - this boat's got wood-worm.

No that's not woodworm, that's just um, it's - what is that?

That's where the ropes have worn it away through the years.

Just where the rope has worn it away through the years, it's sort of wear and tear innit?

And we're supposed to sail to Holland in this thing?

This is a sturdy vessel sir, built of very mature timber.

- In other words, it's old. - Well the old 'uns are the best 'uns Rodney.

We're talking about boats now Del, not your birds.

Oi, don't push your luck you saucy git.

I'll leave you two alone to discuss it - I'll be over here.

Yeah, okay yes, ahoy there shipmate, we'll be ashore in a minute.

Yeah, we'll go ashore what, about 7 bells eh Del? Will you pipe him ashore or shall I?

I'm beginning to lose my temper Rodney – you'll cop an unfortunate one in a minute.

You're really not letting your boat out to them southern nancies are you?

You'll never see it again.

That vessel's worth 10,000 pounds – at least that's what it says in the insurance papers.

Come on Rodney, we can do it, you know he who dares wins.

Look, I got the right price from the owner and everything.

Del, I'll tell you now there's no way us two can sail this thing to Holland and back.

What? Us two, you think that... that we're going to sail it...

is that what you thought, that us pair of wallies are going to take this thing out on the high seas?

Well yeah.

Of course we're not. No, I'm going to get us a skipper, and experienced man to do the sailing.

So there's going to be someone in charge?

Of course there is - you didn't think I was going to risk our lives did you? Come here you dipstick.

Dear God.

Oh, leave it out Rodney, that is England's greatest little sailor since Nelson lost the Armada.

- Ahoy there. - Yeah, yeah, ship ahoy.

Del, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sunk.

I know, luck's got to change sometime innit Rodney? Alright Uncle Albert?

All shipshape and bristle fashion.

He's got all the dialogue ain't he? Good good come on then.

Right now listen - did you bring the passport?

- In the old duffle bag. - Good good - did you bring some clothes?

- I threw some on me old jumpers in. - Lovely - did you bring our clothes?

Did you want me to bring you some then?

Oh, what do you think I phoned up about?

I thought you meant my clothes.

We haven't had a wash or change of clothes for two days now.

Well how am I supposed to know that?

Well it don't take a lot of working out does it?

Oi, you two - alright calm down, calm down, don't worry we'll sort something out.

Right come on skipper, let's show you your vessel.

Yeah I'd like to look her over Del make sure she meets with my approval.

Bleeding shame if she don't because we sail in half an hour.

Albert slow down, you're going too fast. You're going too fast, slow down, don't...right, right a bit.

- To your right. - You mean starboard?

I mean right - don't start all that Captain Birdseye bloody cobblers, I said right.

Now you've gone too far now, you're too far don't...come on, come over to your left.

I said...I said left.

That's portside.

I'll come up there and punch you in the bloody nose in a minute - when I say left I mean left.

Mind...mind this little boat down there.

Watch, watch this, watch this little boat down...

Sorry shipmate. What did you say pal?

And to you sir, cheeky git. Alright come, come to your right again now Albert, you're doing very well.

Not, no no. What are you doing up there, you got Saint Vitus Dance or what? Look come right again.

It's overwork that's all, too many hours in that lorry cab, all you need is a bit of relaxation and some fresh air, that's all.

Gordon Bennett. I'm sick. I'm sick. oh.

I feel sick Del.

What? Leave it out you tart, we've only just started, that was only just a little ripple.

Wait till we get out there on the big waves, we'll be going up and down and up and down,

- …be just like the big dipper, whoooo... - Oh, God!

That's it Rodney, go on cough it up, could be an ace?

Oh, gets an old tingle running down the spine this don't it?

Well it's in the blood of course. Ah, this island race, this skeptic isle, yeah us Brits,

we've got salt water flowing through our veins.

Oh will you shut up about bloody veins!

And when you think of all the English heroes that have set sail out of these waters

to go and discover the new world and stitch the dagos up, makes you feel very, very proud.

'Robin Hood, Robin Hood with his band of men, Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen, feared by the good.'

Have you got any idea where we are?

Not really Del, I never got the hang of these charts.

Well then how in God's name did you expect to get us across to Holland?

Well Del said it weren't all that far.

Well it ain't all that far if you're going in the right bleedin' direction.

We should have been in Holland five hours ago.

Look at it - middle of the poxy bleeding night and not a windmill anywhere.

I thought you said that you could sail a boat.

Well it went, didn't it?

I know it went, yeah, it went alright, but where hey? Look Albert where is our position?

Well we're er, we're here ain't we? Sort of.

Oh right, so according to all your calculations we're just off the Strait of Gibraltar

but we're also very close to Copenhagen.

- Well it narrows it down a little bit don't it? - Yeah - the right ocean at least ain't we?

When I was in the Navy I was a boiler maintenance man.

So you've never actually studied navigation at all

Boiler maintenance men didn't have to - see the boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship's going.

Look, we can't be far away can we? I mean, seemed to go pretty straight, didn't we?

He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got around here, eh?

We could have drifted anywhere by now.

Yes he's right an' all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we?

It's got more currants than a hot-cross bun.

Let's not panic hey, we'll wait till the morning, bound to see something.

Oh yeah, we'll keep our eyes peeled for tulips, listen out for the sound of clogs.

- Stars. - What?

The stars.

Stars. You don't need to read your horoscope Rodney to realise you're in dead lumber.

Them stars - you can steer a ship by the stars.

That's right an' all – I remember seeing it once in the Onedin Line.

That's a bloody good idea Rodney, yeah.

- There's millions of them ain't there? - I love him, I just bloody love him.

Isn't there anything up there that rings a bell?

I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be looking for - they've all got names ain't they?

- Like The Bear, things like that. - Can't you just find The Bear?

Well what does he look like?

Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it? I mean what do you think a bear looks like?

Well where would I find it?

Standing up there on top of the glacier mint – you're giving me the hump you are Albert,

you're giving me the right hump.

Look!

- What? - Up there, it's Concorde.

- So? - I'm just saying, Concorde.

I'm going to kill him, I'm going to kill him!

Del leave him alone.

Here we go Rodders, here's our tea, sorry I spilt it. Any luck?

Not a thing - where's Ahab?

Oh he's down below in the cabin poncing about with the radio –

it's all crackles and hisses and dog-a-bag, can't be doing with it.

Well at least he's doing something positive to get us out of this mess.

Positive - he's trying to get the Kid Jensen Show.

- Where are them binoculars? - There.

- Ahoy - full ahead both Mr Christian. - Why?

We're going to Holland Rodders, we're going to Holland.

- Hoy, hoy, John - Holland. - What?

- Which way to Holland? - Holland

It's over there.

Cheers pal. Albert it's to the right, Holland is that way. Thank you.

Rodney see, you don't know the way, you just got to ask someone ain't you?

Hey diddley dee a sailor's life for me.

- What is the time? - Why do you keep asking me for?

You've got a watch of your own, haven't you?

Yes, but it hasn't worked properly since Del sold it to me.

It is 5 to 11, that's 5 to 12 their time. The exchange doesn't take place till midday.

- So just calm down, will ya? - Calm down, he says.

I'm becoming rather concerned about this whole affair.

- What is worrying you now? - You know perfectly well what is worrying me.

What happens if Van Cleef discovers the 50,000 pounds is all counterfeit money?

And how is he gonna do that? He is a Dutchman, he wouldn't know a dodgy English tenner from a real one.

- Not immediately perhaps, but in time he may. - We have discussed this, time and time again.

The first thing Van Kleefe is gonna do, is launder that money.

He's then gonna exchange it at Safe Houses for Dutch notes.

It will then be exchanged time and time again, pass through many hands

until some smartass discovers it's worthless.

But by then it'll be too late, cause they won't know I gave it to them.

- Del may notice they're fakes. - I shouldn't think so.

In any case he has to keep his voice down with Van Kleefe and his everything's close attendance, is he?

It's a minute to go. I wonder if he's there yet.

Where are we then?

It's obvious innit, eh? We're in Bulgaria!

I know that, I know where we are. What I meant was, well, where are we?

This is the North Sea Canal Rodney. Takes us right into the heart of Amsterdam.

Yeah, just don't act suspicious Rodney, just let's pretend we're Dutchmen, right?

Ajax!

It's one minute past time. Why ain't he rung?

Maybe they've sunk!

No no they've got their Uncle Albert with them - yeah maybe they have sunk.

Hello? Oh hello, Mr Biggastaff, you bought a car of us when?

Well I don't care if you are broken down on the A1, what do you expect me to do about it?

Well my advice to you pal is shove it.

No this is not Mr Boyce speaking, this is his public relations officer.

- You stay down here alright? - Why?

'Cause we don't know what sort of welcome we're going to get up there do we? Might turn very nasty.

Oi listen Del, if there's going to be any trouble I want to be up there with you.

I want you to stay down here Rodney, first sign of any trouble from up there now, you leg it.

- No way. - Rodney

You keep your eye on him, make sure he stays down here.

Alright Del.

It's for the best son.

Good afternoon, Derek Trotter from London.

Good afternoon Mr Van Kleefe, my name is Derek Trotter, sorry I'm a bit late,

I had a bit of bother as you can probably see.

Not a worry Mr Trotter, you're here now - this is Mr Hussein Abdul's cousin and these two gentlemen are my assistants.

He's a big lad ain't he? Suppose it's all that cheese he eats is it?

Do you have the money Mr Trotter?

Yes I have the money Mr Van Kleefe. Do you have the diamonds?

Yes I have the diamonds.

If you'll examine them, I'll go and make the phone call.

Hello? Oh good afternoon Mr Van Kleefe.

It's him.

Your man has arrived. Of course.

He wants to talk to you.

- Hello Boycie. - Everything alright Del?

- Yeah, couldn't be better. - Is my cousin there?

- Is Abdul's cousin there? - Yeah.

He's checking the merchandise now.

These are blue white stone, purity absolutely clean, cut by experts. These are of the finest quality.

He says they're pucker.

The stones are good.

Okay Del, I'm now going to give you the combination to the briefcase. Its 7.1.4.

9.3.9.

Good.

I believe these are yours Mr Trotter.

Thank you very much.

- Boycie we got a deal. - Good - no problems?

No, everything went as sweet as a nut - I'll see you soon.

- Yeah don't forget now will you? - I'll give you a bell.

- Will you be needing me any longer? - No, no, on your way pal.

The exchange is completed. Thank you, it's nice doing business with you as well.

- Well must fly. See you soon Mr Van Cleef. - Good day Mr Trotter and good luck.

Thank you.

Ajax.

The courier just left - should be with you soon. Trotter. Derek Trotter.

- Alright Del? Terrific. Well gentlemen.

- Leg it! - Let's go!

- Come on Albert, come on. - Come on, we got to keep going.

- You two go on, go on, I'll be alright. - Yeah alright, come on Del.

We can't leave him.

Why not? He's got nothing incriminating on him.

Hey now, come on, you can't leave the poor old sod to face the music can you?

Alright, alright, look, look, hands up, no rough stuff, eh?

You dozy little twonk Rodney, what did you shout run for?

- It weren't me, it was him. - Del shouted run.

- No I didn't, it was nothing to do with me. - Yes you did, I heard you.

I come out the building didn't I? I was doing all the main heavy...

You called sir?

We've got our man Hoskins!

Del? How did you find out sir?

I've got a funny feeling in my water - remember what happened last time I had that funny feeling?

Oh, you mean the antibiotics?

No, I don't mean that.

I'm talking about the time I nicked that little Paki gang for bringing in cocaine mixed with curry powder.

Oh yeah, that was a good hunch of yours sir.

Have a look at this - I've got Davis and Skinner covering Luton Airport,

there's a ten-man team at Heathrow, you and me are at Gatwick.

Right Hoskins, I'm going to teach you the basic rules of airport surveillance

remember patience Hoskins, be prepared for a long, long wait, also suspect everyone.

What's the most important thing we have to do Hoskins?

I don't know sir...

- Oh yeah, wear sombreros! - What do I look like?

- Carry on sir. - I look like an ordinary holiday-maker don't I?

Oh I see - blend into the surroundings.

The first rule of surveillance is, don't look conspicuous.

We'll have to get you something Hoskins, you look a right tit!

How can we be lost again? I thought you'd know the way by now!

- So did I - it looks the same to me.

- I feel sick. - Oh shut up Rodney!

Look, why can't we just go back the way we came?

That's what I've been trying to do.

Del, there's a ship.

Oh well, that's a turn up for the book innit eh?

This is the last place you'd expect to find a ship, oh.

- It's the Norland. - It's the Norland - so what?

The Norland, we saw that back in port just 'fore we left England.

Del, that is the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry.

Alright so it's the Zeebrugge to Hull...the Zee... good boy Rodney, well spotted. Albert.

- Sir? - Follow that boat!

Four o'clock they're still not back.

It's not four o'clock it's half past twelve.

Bloody watch. They're still a day late though, something has gone wrong.

Del phoned me this morning at half past seven he's back in England,

they even got through customs without a hitch, they probably got held up on the way h...

It's them.

Let Popeye out the back will you Rodney?

Where the hell have you...

Alright, alright, alright.

Had a bit of trouble you know, got lost in the middle of the North Sea,

then Rodney spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry so we followed it.

And that's how you got to Hull?

No, that is how we got to Zeebrugge – it was going the wrong bloody way,

so we had to wait for it to turn round and then we followed it back.

Okay well you're here now anyway.

Okay, you got the diamonds?

You got the money?

- Here's your money. - Now, put it on the table.

- Del, Del. - On the table, on the table.

- Buenos dias. - Bloody hell, Slater.

Rodney, quick this way, out the back.

They're pretty ain't they?

- Inspector Slater. - Chief Inspector.

My apologies, Chief Inspector,couldn't we discuss this in a civilized and gentlemanly manner?

What's to discuss? I've got you bang to rights.

Phew, you smell like a mackerel trawler.

So would you if you spent half the week in the middle of the North Sea.

Oh, so you came in by sea did you? I just spent 18 hours waiting at Gatwick Airport for you.

Who is this little person - don't tell me, you're a Trotter ain't ya?

I'm the boy's Uncle.

Yeah you can see the family resemblance –

it's those shifty little rodent eyes and the furtive movement of the feet, dead giveaway.

This is a very sad day for me

my very last case and I have to nick two of me old school friends. Still never mind, eh?

Thirty, spot on.

Roy, give us a break will ya?

Wasn't us that smuggled those diamonds in, it was Del Boy.

Yes he's right Chief Inspector, it was nothing to do with us, it was them three.

- No, no, no, it was just me Slater. - No, I was the brains behind it.

Oh alright then.

It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this - what am I to do?

Away you go Parker.

Alright I've reached a decision- there are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation

One, I take you all down the nick with the evidence and see you banged up for five years apiece, or - Two

I walk out of here and pretend it never happened.

Yeah, that sounds a good scheme Roy, let's pretend it never happened.

- Yes, yes, I will go along with that. - What do you think Del Boy?

I think something smells very fishy around here and it ain't just these clothes.

How come you knew there were thirty diamonds in that bag?

Yeah, and how come you knew who was involved right from the start?

Just a minute - when we were in the cafe the other day

that bloke you was telling us about that you couldn't nick for smuggling diamonds

'cause of lack of evidence, what was his name?

You mean Henry?

Yeah - his surname wouldn't have been Van Kleefe by any chance would it?

- You found me out you rascal. - What - you and Van Kleefe?

That's right. He offered me a little business deal.

He sets up a bunch of wallies who are greedy enough to smuggle diamonds into the country

and I pick them up this side of the water. Not only do we get paid both ends - you take all the risks.

Brilliant innit? It's the third time we've pulled it off and there is nothing you can do about it -

unless of course you fancy a spell in the Scrubs. Well gentlemen, I think we've concluded our business don't you?

Ain't you going to wish me good luck for the future - no? Oh well, win some, lose some.

I hope we bump into each other one of these days, Slater.

I don't think so Del Boy, I'm going a long way away from here. Cheer up lads - still got your freedom.

You berk Abdul.

How was I to know Van Kleefe was a crook? Bloody foreigner.

Where are you going Del?

Where am I going? I'm going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start - going home.

Look, don't, don't get the hump with us, we ain't done nothing.

You ain't done nothing?

You sent me half-way round the world, I've been to Amsterdam, I've been to Hull and back, for what?

Slater's taken the diamonds, he's taken the money, on top of all that my two mates have grassed me up.

- We weren't actually grassing on you. - No, no, no, it was more of a diversary tactic.

- Yeah to divert the blame from yourselves. - Come on Rodney, Albert, let's go home.

I can't understand sir not a single clue to the diamonds whereabouts.

Not a thing, they were all as clean as whistles.

This is the third time we've followed these diamonds and this is the third time we've drawn a blank.

That's the way it goes in this game - maybe I'm past it Hoskins, my hunches don't seem to pay off any more.

- Just as well I'm taking early retirement. - Do you know what I think?

No and to be honest I'm not really interested, you're not paid to think Hoskins,

you're paid to do your job, now drive me home.

Where are you going Hoskins, this isn't the way to my house?

No, I know it isn't sir.

What's all this?

They've known about you for a long time and they just couldn't catch you in possession till now sir.

- You've set me up. - You set yourself up, sir.

Look Hoskins, Terrance, use your loaf, help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man -

the money from them other diamonds is in a bank account, I'll let you have half. What do you think?

You seem to forget sir, I don't think, I only do my job.

I think we should phone the police.

Phone the police? Oh yeah. And what are we going to tell them?

A bent copper disguised as the Cisco Kid stole our smuggled diamonds.

Yeah, you have a point. Well anyway at least the only money we lost was counterfeit.

- Apart from the fifteen grand Slater half-inched. - You mean that was real?

I drew it out the bank Friday.

I didn't intend to pay Del Boy funny money, I ain't into plastic surgery. I am gutted. Gutted.

Alright, alright, hold on, hold on a minute.

Oi, listen you two, this hasn't turned out as bad as you think.

Hasn't turned out as bad as we think - it's turned out bloody well Rodney. Albert, pour the drinks.

What do you want Rodney?

Well an explanation would be nice.

Listen to me, you know that fifty grand that we took over to Amsterdam?

- It was counterfeit. - It was counterfeit - and you knew?

Well not till I opened the case in Van Kleefe's office I didn't.

There's one thing I do know about Rodney, and that is kosher readies. Oh cheers.

And you didn't tell no one?

Oh yes, I said, 'Excuse me Mr Van Kleefe, all that money, it's Mickey Mouse money.'

Of course I didn't, I just stood there and prayed, course me old apron was going like a moped.

Fortunately he gave the money to these two gorillas to check and, well, they were about as bright as an eclipse.

So Boycie and Abdul sent us over there with fake money?

Right, we're going to get even with them for that ain't we?

We already have Rodney.

Go on Albert, show him.

Hold your hand out.

They're real ain't they?

They're top of the range my son, blue-white purity,

absolutely clean, they are as they say in France, chasse de forme?

Eh, no, hold on, Slater picked up thirty diamonds.

No he didn't, he took twentyeight diamond and...

...two cats eyes.

Oh Derek, oh, who's a pretty boy then?

Worth about five grand each -

well by the time we've put them through the fence we'll get what, six grand for the pair.

Six thousand pounds split three ways means that you two get one thousand pounds each in your skies?

- Well actually, we got slightly more than that Derek. - Hm, what do you mean?

You know that fifteen grand that went missing?

It didn't go missing, that bark Slater picked it up, didn't he?

Oh, Slater didn't pick it up.

I did.

You crafty little sod Rodney.

Well you know, it was just there lying on the table

and in all that confusion when we tried to escape I could just hear it saying, 'Daddy, Daddy', so I picked it up.

You know what we're going to do with this money Rodney?

Yes - we'll invest it, we'll make it work for us, this time next year we'll be millionaires...

- …or shall we go to Benidorm? - No, I'll show you what we're going to do with it.

For a minute I thought he threw that fifteen grand out the window.

No don't be silly Unc, I mean who'd do a silly thing like that!

It was Boycie's money weren't it? It was fake, dud, counterfeit.

But it looked genuine enough to be 'cause you know it had all the little watermarks in it

and the little silver strips and everything.

Oh leave it out Rodney, what do you think I am eh, some sort of wally?

Subtitles by NVL