Original subtitles

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# |'lL fetch the suitcase from the van

# ‘Cause if you want the best ‘uns But you don't ask questions

# Then, brother, I'm your man

# ‘Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons

# And the tides of the sea

# But here's the one that's driving me berserk:

# Why do only fools and horses work? #

Thanks. You got me out of @ very awkward situation.

(GRANDAD) The first time | saw this film

was in the middle of the war.

Halfway through it, there was an air raid. We had to run for the shelter.

Yeah? Bet you all hated the Kaiser that night, eh?

What's the matter with you, you moanin’ little git?

What's the matter wi...? Ill tell yer!

Grandad, it's Christmas night and | am stuck in here with...

| am stuck in here watching a film that the Germans tried to bomb!

| know what you mean, Rodney, | feel exactly the same.

— | thought you liked the film. =I dol

It's Christmas night and I'm stuck in here with YOU!

— Oh, thank you very much (!) — Why don't you stop whining?!

| dunno why you didn't go out with Del.

He's seeing Lassie again, isn't he?

“Ere, don't you let Del hear you refer to her as a dog.

Well, he MUST know! When she come back from Tenerife,

it him took two weeks to get her out of quarantine!

(DOORBELL)

Was that the bell, Rodney?

Sounded very much like ft, Grandfather.

(DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY}

There it goes again. Whatever could it mean (?)

It means there's someone at the door, you lazy little toe—rag!

Go on, Rodney. It might be Del popped back for something.

| suppose you've run out of Bob Martins again, ‘ave yer?

— Oh. Yeah? — Oh, good evening, sir.

— Oh, me. — I'm sorry to bother you.

| wonder if you could help me.

— Yeah, hang on. — No, no! ‘

| don't mean like that, no.

I'm looking for a family called the Trotters.

The Trotters?

What makes you think the Trotters live ‘ere, then?

It's written on your bell.

Who is It, Rod...? Reggie!

Hello, old ‘un. How are you diddlin'?

— It's really you! — It's me, all right. Long time, eh?

Oh, too long, Reggie!

Too long!

Oh, it's good to see you, it really is!

You two have met before, then, have yer (?)

Oh, I'm sorry. Let me introduce you.

Reg, this is Rodney.

Rodney, I'd like you to meet...your dad.

— Where is he?! — Oi! Just calm down, Del!

Before you go in there, you just remember, he's still our father!

You could be spending the night in the orphanage!

| know you've told me he was a right jack—the-lad,

flashy shirts and gold cufflinks...

Well a bit like... Er...

Well, a bit like some of the lads down the pub,

but he's old now, DeL

He... He's dishevelled, he's pathetic.

He seems sort of...frightened.

Now, just bear that in mind,

All right, Rodney. Yeah, all right.

Del Boy, good to see you, son!

Pour yourself a drink!

| used to have a shirt like that!

Del, your dad had a bath and a shave,

then he found he was a bit low on clothes.

He'll get a bit low on teeth before he's much older! Sling yer ‘ook!

If you wanna talk it over...I'm listening.

He only wants to stay for one night, Del

When he closed that door in 1965, he closed it for good!

— Have | got a say? — Let's hear what Rodney's gotta say.

— You know what he's like! — No, | don't!

— I've told you often enough! = Yeah! That's ALL | know!

| wouldn't mind the opportunity of judging him for myself.

| never raised a hand to your mum, Rodney, except in self-defence.

Judging him?! He deserted you when you were five years old!

And he walked out on his own father!

What, after 18 years?! Did his watch stop (?)

Stone me, Rodney, we see more of Halley's comet than we do him!

Go on, just go, will yer!

Look, Del, whatever you may think of him, he's still my son.

He only wants a bed for the night.

| just don't believe it! | just don't believe it!

Can't you see he's playing on your sympathy, playing on your loyalty?

That man is...evil!

That is the devil standing there!

Don't be so stupid, Del, that's your own father!

He sold his soul for an ounce of Old Holborn years ago!

Give me one good reason, just one,

why | shouldn't chuck you out of here?!

| can't think of one, Del Boy.

I'm not proud of what | did.

I'm ashamed. Ashamed and...sorry.

Recently, I've been laying in that hospital bed, night after night,

reliving the moment | walked out of here.

It hurts, Del Boy...it hurts.

What's wrong with you, Reggie?

— Something serious, | hope? — Del, wrap up for five minutes!

Don't be fooled by him, Rodney!

He's had everything from galloping lurgy to Saturday night fever!

Once when | was doing my homework, | asked him what a cubic foot was!

He said he didn't know, but he'd try to have a week off work with it!

What's wrong with you? Come on, you can tell me and Rodney.

A few months back, they took me into hospital

Just for a few routine checks.

Yeah (!) # Jackanory, Jackanory! #

I'm telling the truth this time, Del Boy. Look.

What's this? "Newcastle Infirmary.”

I've been living up there for the last year.

What's been the matter with you?

Well, they discovered that | had this...hereditary blood disease.

It's called.... Oh, it's a medical word!

— Along one, Reggie? — Ooh, yeah, Dad, yeah.

— Well, can they cure it? — They're not sure.

| just live in hope. Hope's about the only thing I've got.

Oh, come on...Dad.

These doctors, they can perform miracles nowadays.

Yeah, you've got gotta be Just be... reves

wHereditary?

Eh?

You said it was hereditary.

That means | could have it!

And ME!

This is half the reason | dashed down!

The doctor said | had to warn my children immediately.

What have they to do? Go for blood tests?

As soon as possible.

I've done my best by you this time, ain't |, Del Boy?

Oh, yeah, thanks (!)

Well, I-I'm feeling a bit weak.

| think I'LL..climb in.

— ‘Night, boys. — (ALL) ‘Night.

Oh, and..er...Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas?!

Will | have to have a blood test as well?

No, it's hereditary. It means it's passed on, not back!

You're most probably the carrier!

A right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit?!

SOME people get wise men bearing gifts!

We get a wally with a disease!

You should get down to the hospital after the holidays.

With National Health cuts, we could wait for ever!

It'll be OK. I'll ring Dr Becker first thing in the morning.

— He won't see us on Boxing Day. — He will. He owes me a favour.

His son thinks that bike he got fell off the back of a sleigh.

Mr Becker and | know better.

"Ere, just a minute.

— Where is he sleeping? — | offered him MY bed.

You are a great big softy, ain't ya?

Well, he's not very well.

You'd have done exactly the same, wouldn't you?

— Yeah, ‘course | would. — Yeah.

Good, ‘cause he turned my bed down and took yours.

Where's the ghost of Christmas past?

— He ain't here, Del. — He's gone?

Down the pub for the New Year's do.

It was too good to be true!

You talk about your father as if he's an alien.

| mean, you seem to think of him as ET.

No, | don't, Grandad. ET went home!

Oh, a couple of letters arrived for you two.

| think it's the results of your tests.

These have been opened!

— Your dad must've done that. — The saucy git!

You can't blame him. | suppose he was too worried to wait.

Oh, well, all right, then.

Come on, then, Rodney. See what yours says.

AIL clear. It's all clear!

| got an all clear, my son!

Don't look TOO cheerful about it, Del!

| haven't seen mine yet, have |?

Oh... Oh, no, I'm sorry.

What's It say, Del?

The results...of my tests...

ware negative,

Negative?

That means all clear as well, you plonker!

Does it?

Oh, my Gawd, | thought it was a medical term for curtains!

don Why the hell ‘t they say all clear, then, eh?!

We can have a drink to celebrate!

— Yeah, I'll have something! — I'l. go and get changed!

— Oh, dear! — That's funny.

— What? — Your blood group's AB.

Rodney's is just A.

— We'd both have the same blood! — That's what | thought.

No, look, come here. Look, give us them ‘ere.

Look, there you are, you see.

My blood group is AB...

wand Rodney's blood group is A...

How did that wally manage to get himself a different blood group?

We're brothers — we both have the same blood!

We've both got the same mother and the same fa...

What are you suggesting?

Rodney's got a different...dad?

| ain't saying nothin’, Del Boy,

but | always remember Maisy Turner.

Maisy Turner? Who the hell is Maisy Turner?!

She married Bernie — he pulled the stall out down the market.

— Yes. What about him? — She had two boys.

One by Bernie,

the other by a bloke she met on a charabanc trip to the lights.

Bernie found out and he divorced her.

| see. How did he find out? By blood tests?

No, the youngest boy was half—caste.

| ain't saying nothing about your mum, Gawd rest her soul,

but if you put two and together...

You come up with Rodney.

Just before your mum announced that Rodney was on his way,

she and your dad was havin" lots of rows.

new friends.

— That trumpeter from the Locarno? — | thought he played the saxophone.

No, that was the other one.

| can see it all. It's beginning to make sense.

When Rodney joined the Boys" Brigade, he was a natural with that bugle!

Yeah, and when you look at him, Del, | mean, he's sort of...

Oh, why did this have to happen, eh?

This of all things, eh?

All right, then?

— Yeah...yeah, wonderful, Rodney. — Couldn't be better, Rodney.

— What's wrong? — Nothing!

No, everything's, you know, brill.

Good, good. | wonder where Dad is.

Exactly what me and your grandfather were wondering.

What | mean is...there's no telling which pub he'll be in now, is there?

— What? — | was just admiring your suit.

Lovely! It's a new one, is it?

No, | bought it five years ago and it weren't new then.

Come on, something's up, innit? Are you gonna tell me?

| suppose you got a right to know, ain't yer? Come on, sit down.

tt won't make a blind bit of difference!

Everything will stay EXACTLY the same!

See, the thing is, Rodney,

that man that you call your dad...ain't.

— Ain't what? — He ain't your dad.

— What, is it a joke? — | only wish it was, Rodney.

| don't get you. ‘Course he's my dad.

Well, he must be! Grandad introduced us!

Let's say no more about it and leave it at that.

| won't leave it at that, Del!

Are you trying to say that man is not our father?!

No...

w Just isn't YOURS.

See, you've got a different blood group, Rodney.

So...I've got a different blood group. What's that prove?

It proves that you're a whodunit. That's not the only thing.

You see, when... Just before Mum fell for you,

she met this, like...new friend.

He was a trumpet player from the Locarno.

— And a saxophone player. — All right, Grandad, all right!

Are you trying to tell me that my dad...

was a band?

No, Rodney, no!

Just the brass section.

No, | don't believe you.

Mum would never do anything like that!

She wouldn't normally. This must've been just a...one—off.

Great.

Well, | can't wait to fill in my next passport application form.

Mother's name — Joan Mavis Trotter.

Father's name — Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

Been for a drink, Reggie?

Yeah, I've been for a drink, Dad. I've got damn good reason to!

— What are you moaning about? — | can read, Del Boy!

This morning, | noticed them medical reports.

| thought "That's funny — different blood groups.”

Just to be on the safe side, I checked MY group,

then | checked your Grandad's group with his old army records.

What do | discover? We've got a Lone Ranger in the family!

Fd just like to know who the old Tonto was!

If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her!

Try to see it from my point of view!

How would YOU like to have a son who you loved and cared for,

only to find, years later, that he's a mystery?!

Loved and cared for him?!

You walked out on Rodney when he was five!

You didn't care whether he had food in his belly!

Dunno what you keep bringing Rodney into this for! YOU'RE the mystery!

"ABR"

Why?

— You all right? — Yeah, darlin’.

| thought you'd have been in on New Year's Eve. Your family were here.

Were they? | got involved somewhere else.

— Your dad's a giggle, ain't he? — That man is one long grin.

He got up and started singing Adam Faith songs.

— He's still doing Adam Faith? — He was good!

He sang “What Do You Want If You Don't Want Money?" What was the other one?

(BOTH) “Someone Else's Baby.”

— Do you want another one? — Yeah, give me a top-up.

Grand Marnier and grapefruit juice, please.

— Oh, leave it out, Dad! — It's true, | tell you!

— He didn't know it were you? — He didn't have a clue!

| saw him years later and he still had the scar!

— All right, Del? — Yeah, triffic, Rodders!

Why didn't you come down last night for the New Year's Eve party, Del?

| had a bit of business to attend to.

Um...can | get you a drink?

That's very nice of you, but I'm with my family.

Perhaps | can get your family a drink as well (!)

Karen, give THOSE people a large brandy each.

Cheers! Let me finish the story!

I'm gonna have a chat with Del

Oh, all right, Rodders. Don't be long, eh?

You didn't come home last night.

No, well, | stayed the night at Trigger's place.

| got fed up kipping on that settee,

— Is that the only reason, Del? — Yeah, ‘course it's the only reason!

(REGGIE LAUGHS LOUDLY)

You seem to be seeing a lot of the old man lately.

Yeah...well..| think he's trying to make up for all the lost years.

— Here you are, — Ta.

— Been out this morning, have you? = Uh—-hm.

Yeah. He took me to the zoo.

All right, was it?

Yeah, it was all right. You know, there was animals and things.

| don't wanna spoil the surprise.

| saw him up Selfridge's on Friday looking at the Action Men!

Why don't you just come home, eh, Del?

Nah. No, | won't. Not with him there.

He won't let me forget I'm a “Lone Ranger”.

— He has not mentioned it, honest! — Maybe not to YOU.

Every time | see him on the landing, he always shouts, "Hi—ho, Silver!"

You know, at school once, during a biology lesson,

the subject of genetics come up.

The teacher said children with the same parents

can have different blood groups!

You're trying to cheer me up. You're a diamond.

No, | mean it!

Why don't you get some advice on the subject, eh?

— Go and see Dr Becker. — No, | can't ask him.

— Why not? — He’ ‘ 'd know everything then!

He's the family doctor!

He treated Mum when she was ilL

| don’t wanna have him thinking THAT of her.

No, it's clear-cut, innit?

| am, as the French say, “oeuf sur le plat".

Yeah, the family is A...and | am AB.

So? What's that matter?

That's nothing, is it? You're only one letter out, eh?

Look, the only difference between us is a BI

Yeah, and we all know what B stands for, don't we?

RODNEY! You gonna play cards with us?

Yeah, in a minute,

— Do you want a game? — No, Rodney.

— He'll find a way of winding me up. — No, he won't, DeL

Del, if you just sit here on your own,

he's gonna think he's beaten yer!

Oh, come on! He who dares, wins!

— Yeah, OK, then. Come = Yeah! om

Take a seat, Rodney.

Does your friend want to play as well?

You just lay off him, Reg.

— Don't you say nothin" to annoy me! — As if | would!

He's touchy, ain't he? Dunno who he gets it from.

All right, what shall we play?

Before you say it, we don't wanna play Happy Families.

Right, we'll play pontoon.

— You got any money? — | give you my last fiver.

— Dad? = You know I'm skint.

— Why not nip Del for a few quid? — | can't, after what's happened.

No, | don't suppose YOU can. Rodney could.

All right, Grandad? Rodders? Evening, Reginald.

Grandad, stick me a pizza under the grill, will yer?

— You in for the night, Del? — Yeah, I'm in for the night.

Good! We can all have a family sing—song together this evening!

YOU can join in if you like!

What's up with you?

Earlier on | showed him my GCE certificates, right?

And he said he was proud of me and all that, right?

Then he went and wrote a bet on the back of one of ‘em.

He wrote a bet on the back of one of your GCE cert...

That man is the devil, Rodney.

I'm beginning to think you're right.

| know one thing. YOU were right.

— Was I? — Yeah. Took your advice.

Good, good!

— What advice was that, then, Del? — I'l tell you in a minute.

— There were four in there! = You drank ‘em all!

Fancy popping to the off licence to get a few drinks in, Del Boy?

— No. — Oh.

No, I'm off drink at the moment.

See, | went down to see Dr Becker this evening.

Yeah? why, what's wrong with you, Del Boy?

Well for the last week or so,

I've been suffering from this pain in the arse!

| asked Dr Becker if he'd give me another blood test — to check it.

He said there was no need. You were absolutely right, Rodney.

A person's blood group makes no difference.

A mother and father could have three children

and each kid could have a different blood group.

Rubbish! what does HE know, anyway?

Oh, he knows quite a lot. He knows that my blood group is group A.

— Why did he write AB on your result? — He didn't, Grandad.

Somebody added the B.

Now, | wonder who could've done that.

Must've been someone at the clinic having a joke!

— The envelopes were sealed! — Until you opened ‘em!

| was making sure you two didn't have the same...illness as me.

Yes, Dr Becker was very interested in your blood disorder.

He rang Newcastle to find out what was wrong. And what do you reckon?

— They'd never heard of him? — How did you know that?

| must be clairvoyant, Del.

They ran your name through their computer.

They didn't have a patient called Trotter,

but they did have a porter called Trotter.

But he left two weeks ago...

«with 57 blankets, ‘BS pairs of rubber gloves

and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!

| don't feel all that well

| mentioned that to Dr Becker. Know what he suggested?

Fresh air, new surroundings

and lots of exercise!

— Like take a long, brisk walk! — Did he?

Well, maybe he's right. Oh, is that the time? | must be on my way.

— So soon? — | don't wanna outstay my welcome.

TlL..um...

I'll get me things together.

— The dirty, conniving little... — All right, Grandad, all right.

Tell you what, | hid a bottle of Scotch under the sink.

Oh, good boy, Del.

Well, I'm glad HE'S gone.

He made it a right miserable Christmas for all of us.

It's all right, Rodney. It's all over now.

Don't worry, we'll all soon be back to just the way we were.

Del Boy, | burnt your pizza.

See what | mean?

# We've got some half—price cracked ice

# And miles and miles of carpet tiles TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs

# Ball games, gold chains, what's—their—names and at a push

# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush

# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush

# No income tax, no VAT

# No money back, no quarantee

# Black or white, rich or broke

# We'll cut prices at a stroke

# God bless Hooky Street

# Viva Hooky Street

# Long live Hooky Street

# Cest magnifique, Hooky Street

# Magnifique, Hooky Street

# Hooky Street

# Hooky Street