Original subtitles

Oh!

Oh god!

Oh god!

Oh god!

Hurt yourself?

Oh god!

Where's that candle?

Here, have some of this.

Huh?

Oh, blimey!

That's enough.

Lummy.

Sorta kisses you as it goes down, doesn't it, guvnor?

What about that, up there?

Let me go, guvnor, I haven't done it!

What were you doing up there, then?

Come in here for a shake me down, see,

must have somewhere to sleep see, mustn't I?

Ain't got no money, see.

Lost me ship.

But I ain't murdered him, guvnor!

No! I ain't that sort. Sure my bob I ain't!

We'll see about that. Come on up!

What's that?

Me go, up them stairs?

No bloomin' fear.

I ain't going up them bloomin' stairs again, guvnor.

Not for you nor nobody else!

-Oh, yes you are. Come on. -Oh,

Here, here, guvnor, what's your game?

What you playing at?

I'm gonna have a look at that body. Then I'll decide.

Well I can tell you that now, guvnor. Get a copper.

Go on!

Oh god!

Here, guvnor, I've got an idea.

Well?

You go first.

-Go on. -Oh.

What are you doing down there?

Eh? I was looking for you, guvnor.

Well where am I?

Oh god.

Oh... lummy.

Here...

I'll come along, guvnor, I'll come with you.

What done him in, guvnor?

Hit on the head, I should think, coming out of that door.

Yes, but who hit him?

That's what I'm driving at. Who hit him?

Oh god, here, guvnor.

Oi.

Oi!

Oh my god.

Oh!

Quite sure you don't know anything about that?

What, me?

Darn, if I'd done it, I'd have knowed about it, wouldn't I?

Don't suppose one forgets a murder

like the posting of a letter?

Have another think.

Yes, don't mind if I do.

Now what have you got in your pockets?

-Holes. -What else?

Darn.

Here you are. Handkerchief.

Used that to gag him with.

Bit of string.

Oh yes, stabbed him with that!

Sausage.

That's what I hit him on the head with.

Now never mind about that.

I said never mind about that.

Well, sorry.

Yours?

Yes.

She's a jolly little kid.

Yes.

She was.

Oh! Here's something you've overlooked, guvnor.

Half a fag!

One of Lord Rothschild's.

He smokes one end, I smokes the other, see.

What about your pockets, eh?

It's all right, guvnor. It's all right.

I ain't such a nosy Parker as you.

Here, take this candle.

Oi! Guvnor.

-Shh! -Huh?

Oi!

Oi!

Was you a moving, Charlie?

Let's have a look at your pockets.

Ah-ha.

What the hell was he doing with bracelets?

A gun!

Wonder if it's loaded.

Lummy, the trigger's stiff.

Here, you got anything else about you, mate?

Here, found anything below, guvnor?

No, only this candle.

Hello! Where did these come from?

I found them. On the body, guvnor.

What are they?

Have you never seen a pair of handcuffs before?

No, sir.

Nor worn them. I was brought up Baptist.

Well, we better take a look at this chap.

Oi!

Huh?

Thank you.

It always pays an innocent man to play straight, you know.

Darn. Who says I'm an innocent man?

Oh, blimey.

Who said I ain't playing straight?

Now look here, guvnor.

Chuck this, see. Chuck it.

This is a bobbies job, you see?

Messing about, that's all you're doing. Messing about!

Harold Lloyd!

Shh!

Here! It's all right, guvnor.

I've got him.

Oh, keep still, you!

I've got him, guvnor!

Oh!

Did you hit her?

Yes.

Take that.

Oh, look at that, lapping it up.

-Let me go! -Ah!

-Let me go! -What?

Where's my father? Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

What have you done with my father?

What?

Now, what's the trouble?

We'll try and do something for you, if you tell us.

Yes, I'm sure to tell you

after having been knocked out and all that!

Oh, my mistake, Miss.

Who are you two?

Well, my name's Fordyce and his name is...

Well, what is your name?

Ben.

Ben what?

Well, if wasn't for you, guvnor, it'd have been Ben Bolt.

Didn't half hurt me when he hit me just now.

Oh.

I feel quite dizzy.

Oh, that wasn't me, Miss, that was the brandy he give you.

To bring you round, see.

Oh.

Thanks.

Now what's this all about your father?

Someone look on the roof and see if they can see anybody.

Yes.

Go on, Ben. Up you go!

What, me?

God love a duck. It's always me.

You see, Dad and me live next door at number 15,

and this evening, Dad went up to the top floor

and a few minutes later a telegram came for him.

So I took it up and found the door locked.

And when I banged on it, he didn't answer.

So I've been scared ever since.

-Can you see anything? -Yes.

-What? -What?

Houses.

Silly idiot.

Well, go on.

Oh, I'm all right. Thank you.

Well anyway, I looked all over the place

for a key that would open the door

and when I found one, the room was empty.

Yes.

Well, I couldn't make it out.

Then I saw the window was open, and look,

this was on the ledge outside.

I thought perhaps Dad had dropped it.

So I got out of the window onto the roof

and crawled across to this roof.

And I'd just got to the skylight-

- You're always falling over, Ben.

-Eh? -Have you hurt yourself?

What, me?

Nah.

What happened to me in the war, guvnor?

Blown up by a mine and come down singing.

Well, that telegram that came to your father.

Oh, I forgot.

Oh.

Funny. Can't make it out.

Do you know who Barton is?

-Oh, I dropped that. -What, this here?

What's it mean, guvnor?

It means that at half past 12

something's gonna happen at number 17.

Well, that'll be a nice change, won't it?

Now you'd better get home before anything-

- No, I'm not going to.

Do you want me to help you?

Oh, he's a great help he is, Miss.

He's been trying to help me for the last hour.

When I came crashing down these apples and pears,

I was shaking like an aspidistra.

Blimey, if he don't swivel me around

and march me back up here again.

Can't do enough to help you, he can't.

Come on, we must get a move on.

It's nearly half past now.

Well, what's gonna happen then?

Ben's going to flit!

12 o'clock!

Half past, you fool.

They've done it!

-My god, they've done it! -Shh!

Perhaps it's the police.

Blimey!

If it is, I'd better put this back.

What do you mean? Back where?

On the corpse.

The corpse!

The corpse!

My father!

That's torn it.

Now don't take on, Miss.

It's all right, I tell you.

It's all...

God!

He's gone!

The agent said we might see over the house.

Oh yes, yes, I quite realize that,

but,

well, I thought perhaps

you wouldn't mind.

May I come in too, Uncle?

Hadn't we better see upstairs first, Uncle?

Yes! Perhaps that would be better.

Oh, by the way,

we don't know your name, do we?

Surely the agent told you.

Oh yes, but I'm afraid I have forgotten it.

You don't by any chance to have forgotten

the agent's name as well, have you?

Well, that's extraordinary.

To tell you the absolute truth, I'm afraid I have.

Well now, as you've seen under the staircase,

perhaps you'd like to look at some of the rooms.

Hmm.

Who's that man?

If you don't mind,

I think that's rather an unusual question

for a house hunter, isn't it?

I beg your pardon.

Not at all.

But if you want to know, that's my servant, Ben.

Yes. And you're a little friend of ours, ain't you?

This isn't you house yet, you know.

But what if we insist on going upstairs?

Insist?

That's what he said. Insist.

Here, here, none of your sauce.

-Sauce? -Yes, that's what I said.

S-O-R-S. Sauce!

Leave this to me, Ben!

Darn. Let him come up if he wants to, guvnor.

Now then, you nosy Parkers, come have a look, see.

Look till you're boss eyed.

What an amusing man!

Oh yes, regular George Robey, aren't I?

Come on, up you come.

Damn fool!

It's all right, guvnor,

they won't find no bloody body up here.

This way, marmaduke.

Nothing unusual up here, Uncle.

No nephew,

no sturgeons nor coffins, ducky.

Well I suppose you'll take the blinking house.

Well you can have it from me.

I ain't making no offers.

Well I'm off, you see.

Just a moment, not quite so fast.

Fast? Fast, am I?

Oh, yes. I'm like a little flash of lightening, ain't I?

I've been trying to make my way out of this for an hour,

and I've moved an inch!

Oh, I'm a regular derby winner, I am.

Now then.

Get out of it, see.

Oh, god!

Where on earth did you get that gun?

Huh? Well, I got it off a corpse, guvnor.

And if anybody tries to stop me,

there's going to be more corpses!

Cor blimey.

-You fool, get back! -Huh?

What's happened?

-What have you done with... -Done? Me?

Oh that's right, guvnor, blame me!

Well I does everything, don't I?!

You don't have to do nothing in this here house,

just stand still and things happen.

Everything's loopy here.

People come in here and be murdered,

and I've been having a go, no apology.

Footsteps without no feet.

Well, I'm sick to death of the lot of you! Straight.

Well, I'm off of it, see.

Put that down!

Blimey, he's got a gun.

Here. Here, let me go.

Keep off, I say, keep off!

Oh, oh, guvnor, I didn't mean to hit you! I didn't!

I didn't even know it was loaded.

Oh, blimey. Here.

Go on, you, get in there!

Come on, you too.

It's all right, thanks, I can manage.

Thanks.

I'm afraid you are wasting your time.

You see, she can neither hear nor speak.

Do you mind, hm?

Hands up.

Will you search this gentleman?

I take it you have no objection.

I don't mind.

One and nine.

Blimey, he's on the dole!

All right, now for you, Ben.

Here, here, who gave you permission to call me Ben?

Sorry, I don't know your other name.

Lloyd George.

I like you Ben, you make me laugh.

I'll remember that, guvnor, give you a job next election.

What's that going to be?

Head of the messing about department.

Sausage.

Here, here, here, of course.

What do you think it is? Christmas cracker?

Go on.

Make you go in the order, you.

And now for the young lady.

Keep you hands to yourself.

If my dad were here, you wouldn't half crop out.

What have you got there?

Detective Barton. Hmm.

Where did you get this telegram?

Mind your own business.

Are you Miss Ackroyd?

I said mind your own business.

Now, young lady,

you had better answer me sensibly or I shall have to...

You'd better answer him, Miss Ackroyd.

It'll save a lot of trouble.

Now, did your father know anything

about that telegram?

Oh, well it came after he had gone out tonight,

if you want to know.

Hmm.

What about those diamonds?

I don't know anything about any diamonds.

Hmm.

Mightn't your father have some secret

that he's keeping from you?

If you ask me any more questions,

I shall spit in your eye.

What are you here for?

The train.

Hmm.

Who the devil are you anyway?

Your nephew by adoption on the doorstep.

Don't be funny. What are you after?

Slipping the country?

That was the idea.

I've a 12:30 date with Mr. Sheldrake

for the goods train ferry that runs to the continent.

Goes under this house, doesn't it?

Here's my ticket.

Where's yours?

Quite sure that's your ticket?

Oh! Oh, god!

The light's gone out.

Did you blow out that light?

Huh? Me?

Oh, yes!

I do everything, don't I?

First I murdered someone with a sausage,

then I throws the body out of the window

on an empty stomach, right on the pavement,

then I blows all the lights out in the bloomin' house.

Blimey, if I could blow like that,

I'd blow the lot of you to Jericho!

Blast me if I wouldn't.

Where do we put him? The bloody nuisance.

In the bathroom.

Cor Blimey, if this ain't my lucky day.

I'm a murderer, I'm a liar,

and now I'm a bathroom fitter!

Those Suffolk diamonds now,

do you know anything about them?

Were you in on that scoop?

Now why should I be?

That was Sheldrake's job.

He's hidden them too well.

Probably in this house.

Yes, and according to that telegram,

it looks very much as though.

Mr. Detective Barton knows about it, too.

You know, if he turns up here,

we'll be thoroughly well finished.

Yes.

Look here, when Sheldrake comes,

what about making him divide?

We might, but from what I've heard about Sheldrake,

it won't be too easy.

His reputation is probably grossly exaggerated.

That remains to be seen.

He may be dead.

-Hmm? -That body, you know.

Takes quite a lot to kill Sheldrake, I believe.

Shh!

Look.

As you were saying, it takes a lot to kill me.

- Are you- - Are you Sheldrake?

Are you both for the train?

And the girl, too.

Who's that with the Ackroyd girl?

We found them nosing around when we came in.

There's another one locked in the bathroom.

He's probably asleep by now.

Well, we can't be bothering about them now,

you'd better be getting down.

Now look here, hadn't we better...

I don't know what's been done in these cases,

but these two, hadn't we better tie them up or something?

Is it necessary?

Unless you want them to run downstairs

and call for the police.

Hope you won't mind, we've got to catch a train.

Oh, don't be damn silly.

Come on, please.

Sorry we have to go on this journey,

but we must leave someone to look after the house, you know.

I see, so many thieves about, eh?

Well.

Now for the train.

Through there.

Dad, good!

All right, Rose?

-Your father? -Mm-hm.

Damn good the way you bluffed them Mr. Ackroyd.

Yes, I've been watching this house for some time.

For the police?

Well, something like that.

Damn these knots!

Well I know, Dad, let Ben help.

Who's Ben?

He's locked in the bathroom.

I thought I'd settled with you on the landing!

Oh!

Oh god, I've made a bloomer!

Hold on! Not so fast.

Get back!

Go on!

You're a damn fine bunch.

I'm a good mind to wash my hands of the lot of you!

Now go on, tie this fellow up again.

Properly this time!

Where's the other fellow who locked us up?

I shut him up at the end of the passage.

I suppose you thought it was me?

I suppose there's no mistake about it this time.

You are Mr. Sheldrake?

Growing wise at last, Brandt?

They haven't done anything awful to Dad, have they?

No, no, they're only bluffing.

Well, what's bitten you?

Come on, you can speak, can't you?

Leave her alone. She's deaf and dumb.

Well, come on, aren't we going?

Yes, go on.

Is this the right way?

Of course it is.

Straight on and down to the cellar.

Would you mind going first?

I'm coming back!

She spoke!

That deaf and dumb business was a fake.

The trick of a crook.

Just like the pictures, isn't it?

Too much for my liking.

Thanks.

Ooh, I fainted.

What are you doing with those crooks?

You don't think I want to be, do you?

Well, why go back to them?

It's the best thing I can do.

Besides, it's safer for you.

Anyway, if the police do catch us, and...

Well, it can't be helped, can it?

But surely there's a way out.

I don't know.

I must hurry. I told them I was coming back.

Oh!

Feel right?

We must get the others.

They're still locked in the bathroom.

Hey!

You idiot. Look what you've done now.

Eh?

God love us, Miss!

I didn't know it was you.

That's the second time tonight!

-Oh, god! -Serves you right.

Oh, god!

Oh yes, Miss, he hit his head on the bath, he did.

My god, it's bad. We'd better get a doctor.

You get after the others.

-I'll be all right. -Sure?

Come on, Ben, get a candle!

Candle! Ooh.

You're not going to ask me to go down there?

Oh, God. Now what's the matter?

Ooh, I think I've bumped my head, guvnor.

Well, of course you'll bump your head

if you keep on stopping! Not at all.

I only keep stopping 'cause I keeps on bumping me head.

I'm not going.

Not so dumb after all, eh?

What's the idea?

I'm not going.

What do you mean?

I'm not going, that's all.

You don't get a chance every night, you know.

All the trains don't have empty trucks

to go back to the continent.

I've made up my mind.

-I'm not going. -Look here.

You're being rather childish aren't you?

Now look here!

I don't know what your game is, but you're going.

You've learnt too much to be left behind.

And what's your idea of running back

after that fellow tied up?

- Oh, nothing- - Well, never mind.

You can tell us all about that on the train.

Now come on.

Here, give it up, guvnor, get a copper.

What, and have the girl arrested?

Not if I can help it.

Oh, god!

The guard's seen us.

We'd better go along and see him.

-Good evening. -Now look here.

I hope we're not intruding, but-

- You've no right on this train.

I'm going to stop it.

Now I'd rather you'd didn't do that because...

Oh!

Come on, let's tie him up and put him in there.

How on earth did you get here?

You might have been killed!

Thanks.

Well come on, what about it?

What about what?

Well, the diamonds.

We're going to split, aren't we?

These coaches can travel, can't they?

-Yes. -Oh!

Better listen, Sheldrake.

Keep your hands where they are.

Come on, Sheldrake.

It's no use pretending you left them behind.

You know me damn well, don't you?

-You better. -Oh come along,

hand them over, there's a good fellow.

You think I carry them about on my watch chain?

No, but what about your pockets?

Lower that gun, you fool!

Can't you see he's a cop?

My God, Sheldrake, you're right.

I only met him tonight for the first time on that doorstep,

and I thought then there was something funny about him.

What damn nonsense!

Get over there!

Keep an eye on him, Brandt!

Keep an eye on Mr. Private Detective Barton.

All right, Sheldrake.

But you're not gonna get away with that necklace.

Aren't I?

I haven't got it!

You dirty little crook. Hand it over!

Me? I haven't got it one bit.

No, but you got that rotten deaf and dumb girl

to get it for you!

Hello.

Let me have that necklace, will you, Nora?

What's the idea?

Well, we might as well drop this pretense.

Yes, you're going to tell me the one thing

I've been suspicious of all night.

And that I'm a police officer, eh?

Well, now that that's clear, what about it?

I haven't got it.

You didn't go back for your bag for nothing.

I know no more about that necklace than Ben here.

If I had the necklace, I'd give it to you.

Here, here!

Then I'm afraid I'll have to search you.

Oh, come off it, guvnor!

You can't do that to a lady!

Here, guvnor, let her go!

And here you are, here you are.

Now, come on. Who's been fooling about?

All right, young lady.

Charlie. Look!

Get out of it! Get down off there!

Don't!

Now come out of there!

Go on, keep on going.

He's out! Hit his head on that bar.

What do you mean?

Well, they got wise to me.

Found out who I was.

Oh?

Who are you?

He's a detective.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm Barton.

I say, not the Barton.

Yes.

I've been following up Sheldrake

and the Suffolk necklace for weeks.

You haven't got it yet?

No, but we've got the girl here,

and that's the same thing.

I say, Mr. Barton.

Mr. Barton?

Don't let's be too hasty over this.

I don't want to seem rude,

but aren't you rather exceeding your rights?

Kindly let me deal with this in my own way!

All right, and supposing you drop Barton

and take on your real name of Doyle?

What do you mean, Doyle?

You're a clever fellow, Doyle,

but you made two bad mistakes.

The first in thinking

that the police were only after the necklace.

-They were also after you. -Me?

Yes, they knew that as sure as the necklace

would draw Sheldrake, so Sheldrake would draw you,

Mr. Henry Doyle.

-Well, you're wrong! -Am I?

And the second bad mistake was posing as a detective,

and of all detectives, as Barton.

The comic part of it all is, I'm Barton.

Hard luck, Henry.

Good night, Nora.

Oh, nuts!

-Good night. -Good night.

What?

You, a real life detective,

and making me do all the work?

Well.

Well.

What are you gonna do about it?

What are you going to do about it?

You'd better come along with me.

But where?

To have some breakfast.

Will you see me safely home, guvnor,

if I give you a nice wedding present, huh?