All language subtitles for Jimmy Carr - 2013 - laughing and joking ENG

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jimmy Carr!

Thanks very much.

Good.

Good.

That's...

...far too kind.

Well, let's crack on, shall we?

Ah. Good evening. Are you Well?

- YES!
- Fantastic.

I've been described
as the hardest-working man in comedy.

Not that impressive, is it?

The hardest-working man in comedy.

That's like being the best-looking guy

in the burns unit.

No offence to any burns
victims we've got in.

Are there any in'?
If there's one, there'll be fucking loads.

They tend to stick together.

And we're off!

Someone came up to me outside and went,
"I thought you'd be younger."

I said ."I was"

I'm 40 years of age,
but girls still check me out.

I wouldn't mind but they're so bloody
obvious about it, pointing and whispering.

Stranger danger.

Every night after the show,

I have attractive women
banging on my dressing room door.

And, sometimes, I let 'em out.

Are there any comedy groupies
in here this evening?

Any gag hags? Any chuckle fuckers?

The only reason I ask is if any
girls come up to me after the show,

looking for sex,
I'm going to have to disappoint you.

I mean, we can have sex...

...just it will be quite disappointing.

I wouldn't lie to you, it would be like
throwing a sausage up an alleyway.

More information
than some of you wanted. OK.

I'm a stand-up comedian, a TV host,
an actor and a writer.

People ask me, "What's your secret?"

I'm the M4 rapist. Ssh!

It's a joke!

I have never been wrongly accused of rape.

We all like a laugh, yes?

- Yes!
- That's the one thing

we've all got in common in this room -
we all like a laugh.

It's a very British thing, I think,
to come out, of an evening,

with the express intention
of just having a laugh.

Here's a great fact about this country -

the average person in Great Britain
laughs out loud ten times a day.

Not everyone, obviously.

If you work in a hospice
or with learning-disabled adults,

it could be ten times that.

The sky's the limit!

Yeah, that's my laugh, which is...

Someone said my laugh was weird.

My laugh isn't weird, it's wrong.

Cos you're meant to laugh
on an out breath, aren't you?

You're meant to laugh on a "Ha-ha!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

I laugh on an in breath,
so it's, "Ah-ah! Ah-ah!"

Sounds like a goose being interfered with!

Someone asked me the other day,
"Is it fake?"

Why would you fake that?!

"Ah-ah! Ah-ah!"

They say that laughter
is the best medicine,

so maybe, just maybe,

if we all keep laughing
at people in wheelchairs...

I'm a dreamer, what can I tell you?

I was at a show recently...

I don't know
if anyone's had this experience.

I was at a show, watching a band, and...

And ah, standing just under the fire escape,

watching a band play,
pint on with a mate, relaxing,

and a lady from the venue
came up to us -

in the little waistcoat
and the little name badge -

came up and went,
"Excuse me, you're going to have to move.

"Because, if there's a fire,
you're blocking the exit."

I said, "I tell you what, love.
If there's a fire, I'll move."

King retard.

What did she think I was going to do
in the event of a fire?

Just stand there, going, "Nobody move!"

"Why has everything gone orangey and
hot? I don't like it!"

Oh, mobile phones off. I should have
said that at the top of the show.

Mobile phones off as a courtesy
to the other patrons in the auditorium.

I say "mobile phones" -
what I mean there is "phones".

No-one's brought a land-line, have they?

And let's face facts,
the land line is dead.

When the land line goes in our house,
there's panic!

"Shit the bed, who the fuck is that?
We're both here."

A lot of people text whilst driving.

I'm not excusing it, but we've all done
things we regret when we're drunk.

I saw a thing on the news

that said that bad drivers are going to
get on-the-spot ?100 fines.

I thought, "That's a bit sexist."

Did you understand that?

Yes, you did!

Yes, you did!

I'm not being sexist. How could I be'?
Some of my best friends are slags.

Now, is this sexist?
You can be the judge on this.

Sorry for being rude.
But do you think chat-up lines are sexist?

No, they're not. They are fun, right?

I mean, they're cheesy, but they're meant
to be cheesy, that is their charm.

What's that one? I like that one,
"Get your coat,

it's cold in the boot of my car."

I don't know if this has happened to you.
I was checking into a hotel recently.

It's about one o'clock in the morning,
after a gig up in Manchester.

Walked into the reception area
and the guy recognised me and went,

"Oh, Mr Carr,
we've put you in a disabled room."

I said, "Right, what's the difference

"between a normal room
and a disabled room?" And he said

"The disabled room's
got a walk-in shower."

That's taking the fucking piss, isn't it?!

I've got a question for you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Does anyone in this room
believe in the supernatural?

Ghosts and spirits and the like?

YES!

Quite a lot of you. It's actually easy
to tell if your house is haunted.

It isn't.

Grow up.

That's me being cynical,
but that's this job.

Being a stand-up comedian, I think,
makes you a bit of a cynic.

Has anyone in here actually seen a ghost?

- Woman: Whoop!
- Well, go on, what did you see, Madam?

Tell us the story.

And there was no-one there!

Go on, what did you see?

Woman: I'm not telling you now,
you've made me nervous.

"I'm... I'm not..."

I make you nervous?
You've seen the undead...

...and I make you nervous?

Doesn't really show me in a good light,
does it?

Go on, where were you
when you saw the apparition?

I was in, um, a friend's house.

You were in a friend's house?

- Yeah.
- Right.

And her stepfather was...

Her stepfather was what, sorry?

I think I may have
cracked this case already.

There's a stepfather involved.

Was there "ectoplasm"?

Go on, what happened? Were you
upstairs?

- Were you...?
- I was in his son's bedroom.

You were in his son's bedroom.

Course you were, love.
Go on.

He wasn't there but, um,
he died at the same time

as I started seeing this weird shit
and I woke her up, basically.

He had died?

You should have mentioned that sooner.

And then you started seeing weird shit?

I'm loving this.

There's a special name for people
that have seen ghosts.

Schizophrenic.

All the best with your future.

Quite an in-depth story.
I'll leave it at that -

stepfather did something terrible...
and you've recoded that memory.

Of course, not all fat people are jolly.

Some of them are women.

You shouldn't be mean.
Fat girls have got feelings.

Mainly, they're hungry!

It's only a joke, isn't it?

It's only a bit of fun!

I told it the other night
and a girl got up and walked out.

Well, waddled out.

I presume offended,
possibly just peckish.

Whenever I'm in the changing
rooms at the gym,

I'm always embarrassed by the fact

my penis is so much bigger
than everyone else's.

But then, in fairness, it is erect.

Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls -

do they blow themselves up?

In Palestinian passports,
under "Occupation,"

do they just put, "Israel"?

That joke is only there to test
where the Guardian readers are sitting.

No further questions,
back to the knob gags.

I do talk about sex a lot in my show.

I talk about sex all the time on stage
and a friend called me on it recently.

He came to see the gig and he went,

"You talk about sex all the time.
Are you obsessed?"

I said, "Well, I'm not obsessed." But sex
is the great universal topic for comedy.

It's still quite taboo to talk about it
openly in public.

Everyone's interested,
everyone cranes forward

and there's a lot of tension around sex,
and where you find that kind of tension,

that's also a great place
to find laughter,

so sex is a great topic for comedy.

But it's difficult to stand
in front of you good people

and talk about sex without sounding crude.

So, to try and mitigate that,
to try and alleviate that, this evening,

if I refer to a vagina at any point,
I'll be calling it a twinkle cave.

As in, "So there I was,
licking out her twinkle cave..."

"...while she deep-throated
my tummy banana."

It's nice to be nice, isn't it?

I saw a woman wearing a top,
it said "Super-dry" on the front...

I said, "I-lave you thought
about lubricants or HRT?"

"Maybe a little bit of Aussie charm?"

Are you familiar with the term
"Aussie charm"? It just means...

...one of those.

Australian charm - you're welcome.

A very pleasing look from the ladies
of London, as if to say,

"Well, I didn't know that had a name
but, yes, that does happen."

My girlfriend bought a T-shirt for ?80.

That's a ridiculous amount to spend
on a T-shirt, am I right?

It said D&G on the front.

I suppose, fair enough,
one of her tits is bigger than the other.

I thought my girlfriend was a slag when
she told me I was her thirty-second lover.

And then I realised
she was talking about time.

There is a minimum comprehension level-
you may be asked to leave.

I'm sorry.

My ideal woman would be a single mum...

once I'd finished with her.

It's a joke! I'd pay for the abortion!

Ah, got you again! I fucking wouldn't.

Let's talk about something
a little bit more serious.

It can't all be slapstick abortion stuff.
Um...

My first wife was from Thailand.

Well, don't, cos you'll feel bad.

It's actually quite a sad story.

My first wife was from Thailand
and she died...

of testicular cancer.

Probably the best way I could describe it
is her twinkle cave was an outie.

I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt.

I thought, "That shows a lot of balls."

Let's hear from all the
heterosexual men in the room.

Give us a shout, all the heterosexual men.

I'm guessing, from that expression...

"I can't remember
which one heterosexual is."

"I've not taking a chance,
maybe this is how they recruit them!"

The most annoying thing my sister does
is that show, Chatty Man.

That's the most annoying heckle
that I get at gigs.

I like it when people join in,
I like a bit of a heckle and a bit of fun.

But the most annoying one I get
is when I set up a joke,

just about to do the punch line
and then someone goes -

invariably, it's the same thing,
it's always, "Where's Alan? Where's Alan?"

It is not my, like, bite noise,
it's just a bit annoying. "Where's Alan?"

Man: Where's Alan?

He's at your house, fucking your dad.

I think we all knew...

Including him,
I think we all knew that was a trap.

I could feel you, as one,
going, "Hold, hold, hold"

And then one brave soul
over there said, "No.

"I'm taking one for the team."

Or rather your dad is!

Of course, not all gay people
are happy, camp and fun.

Some of them are lesbians.

If you're a lesbian
and you didn't find that funny,

you're surprising no-one.

Are there any lesbians in?

No, my gaydar is pretty much
honed in on this...

this pair clown here.
Hello, how are you two'?

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I presume you're a couple.

- Married, yes.
- You're married?

Oh, congratulations.
Fabulous. How long you been married?

Since October.

Since October?
My God, it's new and fresh.

Have you even finished
consummating the relationship?

No.

You don't know when you're finished,
do you? That's one of the problems...

...with your lifestyle choice.

"We'll just put that on hold,
we'll be back in a minute."

So you're married,
you're committed to each other.

Well, it's maybe a crazy question
to ask you

because you're in this long-term
relationship and you love each other,

but what would it take
to get you back on solids?

Quite a lot.

She's a definite no and you're a maybe.
OK, good.

I love my job. I tell you what,
I'm going to do a test

and see whether we've got
any other sisters in the room,

see if there's any other lesbians.

"Sisters." Like I'm a lesbian -
I've got the haircut, come on!

I look a bit like k.d. Lang,
I could get away with it.

I'll test the heterosexuality
of the other ladies in the room,

just a simple question to test this.

Ladies, have you read
Fifty Shades Of Grey?

- Women: Yes!
- You've all read that book?

You love that book! I would describe Fifty
Shades Of Grey as the ultimate flick book.

It was the bestselling book last year.

What's the world coming to?

It was the bestselling book last year.
I can prove it -

last year, wettest on record.

I think it's a very interesting book
because,

although it's not a great piece
of literature, it's more gusset typing...

...it's interesting
because it's pornography for ladies.

That's what it is, right?

And, men, that book is in our houses,
isn't it?

Fifty Shades Of Grey is in our house
and we've not even picked it up.

We're not looking at your pornography,
ladies.

We're not interested
in your kind of pornography.

We're very happy with the service
broadband is providing.

Ladies consume pornography
in a very different way to men.

The genders are very different
in our consumption of pornography.

Here's a fact, gentlemen,
that will blow your minds

about woman's consumption of
pornography.

Women watch porn films...

to the end.

You know why'?

To see if they get married.

Well, it's probably as good a time as any
to talk about

how political correctness works
in stand-up comedy.

Because some people think
it's a free-for-all -

you can say whatever you want because of
freedom of speech. That is not the case.

There are rules and regulations
that govern what I do.

Basically, how political correctness works

in stand-up comedy is,
if you are directly affected

by something or involved in something,

you get a free pass -
you're allowed to joke about that thing.

So, for example, homosexual people
can joke about being gay.

Disabled people can joke about disability.

Black or Asian people can joke about race.

Those are the rules.

So, these two pedophiles
walk into a park...

Child abuse - there's a touchy subject!

I saw a headline in the paper, it said,
"Police smash pedophile ring."

I thought, "Good,
let's see how they fucking like it."

l-lave we got any teachers in this evening?
Give us a shout, any teachers.

Oh, loads of teachers in.

You work bloody hard, don't you, teachers?

Half the year, five hours a day. Phew!

I'm not knocking it, I could never do
what you people do for a living.

Not because it's difficult -
I wouldn't pass a CRB check.

I've actually got a bit of
a soft spot for teachers.

I used to go outwith a teacher
and she was lovely.

But if ever I wanted sex,

she always insisted
I put my hand up first.

That is ruder than it first appears.

You're welcome.

Have we got any special
needs teachers in?

You teach speciality,
there's a "whoop" over there.

- What's your name, madam?
- Danielle.

Very nice to have you in. All I was going
to say about special needs teachers

is you are the best and the brightest,
in my humble opinion.

The best and the brightest teachers.

Because... I can prove it.

We all know teachers socially, yes?

- Yes.
- Everyone knows teachers.

Teachers are always moaning on about,

"Oh, I've got homework
to mark this evening."

Not you, eh, Danielle?

You're not grading potato
paintings, are you? Fuck it!

Your evenings are your own - fair play.

Was that a little "Yay"?

I can see the other teachers looking.

"I'm fucking annoyed,
I didn't think of that!"

What, sorry?

- Woman: I used to teach at your school.
- You used to teach at my school?

- At Burnham.
- At Burnham Grammar?

Did you...? Not when I was there, surely?

- Obviously not.
- No.

Unless you moisturize a lot.
Where are you from?

Woman: I'm from Belfast, but...

You're from... You're from Belfast? Right.

"Ginger and community!"

Farfan-farfar-far?

Farfan-farfar-far?

Aouf-ao-ao?

I was just saying what you said to me
back. I don't...

Well, how come you're
teaching over here, then?

Are you in the witness relocation scheme?
What the fuck happened?

Fucking grass!

What do you teach? What subject?

- What? Sorry?
- English.

English?
You can barely fucking pronounce.

I did Countdown recently - the TV show,
not Dracula's special-needs brother.

One for the staff room.

And I got asked when I did Countdown,

when I did Countdown
I got asked by every man that I know,

everyone asked me, "How fit
is that Rachel Riley off of Countdown?

"How attractive is she,
when you meet her?"

And it wasn't like a rhetorical question,
they wanted me to answer.

And I thought,
"Well, I should be able to say

"how attractive a work colleague
and a friend is without sounding

"misogynistic,
Without being sexist, shouldn't I?"

Let me... you be the judge.

Rachel Riley, let me put it this way,

I would crawl over broken glass to suck
the cock of the last man that fucked her.

I don't think that's overstating it.

Ha ha-ha!

I'd like to fuck her brains out-
it'd take ages.

Ha-ha.

Now, I should warn you there will be some
audience participation this evening.

Apologies. And the only reason I mention
it explicitly is because sometimes,

when I ask someone a direct question,
they get a bit flustered.

I think it's because
they're used to seeing me on TV,

so then, when I ask them
a direct question,

they get a bit,
"What the fuck is going on?"

"I didn't press the red button.
It's gone all fucking interactive."

I got a guy wonderfully flustered
the other day.

Front and center, where you're sitting.
I went, "Are you married or single?"

He went, "Single." And the girl
next to him went, "He isn't."

How could you fuck that up?

There was a lovely little pause and
he went, "I think I might be single now."

Who's seen me live before?
Give us a shout.

YEAH!

Well, you'll know that every year
my friend Chris does illustrations for me,

for jokes that I write
that I think are a bit esoteric,

that require a visual element to be fully
enjoyed. Would you like to see them?

YES!

Well, good,
otherwise he'd be fucking gutted

and we'd be having some quiet time.

Which would be shit.
I'll show you some.

Obviously we'll kick off with some
thoughts and ideas that I've had recently.

Right, so, if you like looking at flowers
but you can't be arsed with gardening,

simply run down a kid outside your house.

I can't believe you didn't think of it.

On Bonfire Night, I hope our neighbours
keep their pets locked up,

because there's something about fireworks
that makes me really horny.

You don't get many homeless gay men, which
is a shame because they'd be fucking bums.

I was outside a nightclub recently and
I discovered that women can be bouncers

if you're traveling fast enough
when you mount the pavement.

The thing I worry about

when I hear kids in the Third World
are working 18 hours a day

to make my trainers is

when are they going to get a chance
to finish my fucking laptop?

I was in a hotel having breakfast
and the waiter said to me,

"Do you want white or brown toast?"

I said, "All toast is brown.
You're thinking of bread."

At any onetime,

a bowl of nuts on a bar will have
17 different types of urine on them.

And that's why they're called peanuts.

Wayne Rooney wears the number 10 shirt.

Or as he calls it,
"The stick and the circle."

All the celebrities get
plastic surgery these days.

Coleen Rooney's just had some work
done on her arsehole.

He's had a hair transplant.

My friend reckons football violence

and regressive behaviour are triggered
by primitive tribal rivalries

which are projected onto opposing teams

and then expressed through
exaggerated displays of loyalty.

But he's a lying Gooner twat,
so he can suck my fucking cock.

All that groaning and grunting in woman's
tennis - it reminds me of sex.

In that I'm watching it happen on screen
whilst masturbating.

To explain spot fixing in cricket,

it's what happens when something
I don't understand

is done by someone I've never heard of

in the middle of something
I couldn't give a fuck about.

Spiders used to give me nightmares.
Anyone else?

YEAH!

So I've stopped eating them
just before bedtime.

Of course the worst thing about
being bitten by a poisonous spider

is that you're probably Australian.

Are there any Australians in?

- Yay!
- Welcome back.

I don't like zoos.

I prefer to see lions, tigers, elephants
and bears in their natural environment.

The circus!

Is anyone here afraid of clowns?

- Yes.
- Are you afraid of clowns, sir?

There's actually a special name
for people that are afraid of clowns.

Mummy's little benders.

Ha ha-ha!
This may interest you, though.

Clowns have to register
their facial design

to make sure that other sex offenders
don't use it.

Dwarves...

...often get overlooked.

I can say that - they look up to me.

Can we treat ourselves
to another dwarf jokes'?

I tell you what I know about dwarves -

very little.

Come on)

Here's a random fact.
It's random, but it's true.

One in ten British kids
is now conceived in an IKEA bed.

True. How it works is their parents
insert flap A into slot B

and then screw until the nuts tighten.

Ha-ha ha-ha.

In 2009, Nadya Suleman of California
gave birth to octuplets,

two daughters and six sons,
earning her the nickname Octomum.

Although she's also known as
Gigantosnatch.

Those babies were walking before she was.

Ha-ha!

I think the men in the room
will be able to relate to this.

My girlfriend always wants to stay in
and watch Downton Abbey.

But I want to go out
and get a new girlfriend!

I thought it'd be OK for me
to have sex with other women

because my girlfriend and I
were on a break.

But, apparently, I ruined
that weekend at Center Parcs.

I was going to tell you a story
about the poshest place I have ever been.

I got invited last year to Clarence House,

where Charles and Camilla live
in central London. I got invited.

I'm involved in this hospice charity
cos I'm such

a fucking terrific guy.

Not because I was press-ganged into it.
No, no, no!

Maybe a little.
Anyway, I'm involved in this thing.

So Camilla is the patron
of this great charity.

So she organized, like, drinks
and a concert and dinner in her home

to, you know, thank the corporate sponsors
and to get more people

to donate money, raise a bit of money,
raise awareness, that son of thing.

In her home, though,
she put on this event.

So we're all in her front room.

Literally Charles and Camilla’s
front room.

It's the most ornate... Like, high,
beautiful ceilings and they've got a telly

and a couch in the corner,
like normal people might have,

but every square inch of mantelpiece
and shelf and sideboard

has got a beautiful object on it

that they've been given
by visiting dignitaries,

or they've picked up
on their extensive travels of the world.

It's a very intimidating space to be in.

So we're all standing there having a drink

and she's coming round
saying hello to everyone.

And she gets to me. And because
I'm a dick, as I feel we've established...

...she gets to me and goes,
"Oh, how are you involved?"

And I went, "Never mind about that."

"Have you seen Cash In The Attic?"

"Cos we're sitting on a gold mine here."

And to her credit, it's absolutely true,
she went,

"Yes," winked and fucked off. Brilliant.

I did another weird Royal thing last year.

I did the Jubilee.
Did anyone see the Jubilee?

- Yeah.
- I did a little thing

Where I had to introduce
Grace Jones in a Hula Hoop.

Nice work if you can get it.

In order to do that, I had to get past
security at Buckingham Palace.

Here's What it consisted of.

So I met an armed police officer.

His only job is to guard our Queen,
to make sure that no-one steals our Queen

and uses her head to photocopy it and make
their own money and stamps. I don't know.

So I walked up to this armed
police officer outside Buckingham Place.

I said, "Security?" He went, "Yeah."

Here's his question.
He said, "Are you an al-Qaeda?"

I went, "No."

"As you were."

I thought, "This guy seems fun."
So I asked him.

I said, "Does anything funny ever happen
when you're rolling with the Queen."

He said, "Yeah. I'll tell you this story.
Has to be in confidence though."

I said, "You can trust me."

Ha-ha ha-ha!

He is not a good judge of character.

I'm also in al-Qaeda. No, I'm not.

Or am I? No.

But...

So... So he told me this story.
He said the Queen..,.

Her whole entourage,
she travels with about 15 people,

they went up to Glasgow last year.

She was opening a drop-in center
for homeless alcoholics -

of course in Glasgow,
Where else would you fucking put it?!

It's very much ground zero
for homeless alcoholics.

It's their biggest export.

So the Queen's there and she's cutting
through the ribbon like a fucking ninja

and all the usual suspects are there.

There's the mayor,
there's the local dignitaries,

there's the chairman of the charity,
the people that work in the local office.

And they've got a couple of the homeless
guys, the alcoholic homeless guys

from Glasgow, that the charity has helped
in other locations, suited and booted,

washed and brushed,
there to meet the Queen,

so that she could see the people
that had benefited

from her kind works. Lovely.

So the Queen, as we all know,
has only got one bit of shtick,

which is the question, what do you do?

That's her only question. She doesn't
point like that - that would be mental.

But...that's her only question -
what do you do?

That's all she asks.

She said to a Scottish, alcoholic,
homeless man...

...what do you do?

And he came back,
rather epically I feel, with,

"Same as you - nothing!"

Apparently she was fucking terrified.

A friend of mine quite recently -
a couple of months ago -

got proper, old-school, flashed.

Guy in a mac, at dusk, in a park -
one of those.

Sorry, I've added that.

I don't...

I don't know if he did that.

You would though, wouldn't you?
You'd give it a bit of cock slap.

You'd probably treat her to the windmill,
wouldn't you?

hoo yay!

Anyway, she got proper old-school flashed
and she shouted, "Rape!"

I thought, "Don't give him ideas."

"Don't workshop it, you fucking lunatic."

Has anyone in here been flashed?

Woman: Yeah.

Go on, what happened, madam?

Is it a funny story, or is it distressing?

Woman: I was in a club
and this guy flashed me.

- In a club?
- Yeah.

In a club and someone
flashed you in the club?

Woman: Yep.

Are you sure you didn't get off
with a man in a club?

Woman: No.

"I was kissing him and I undid his zip
and then he flashed me."

Go on, what happened?
Tell me the story.

Woman: It was in the middle
of the dance floor.

Middle of the dance floor
and he was throwing some shapes.

And one of his was...

Woman: No, my friend told
him that we were lesbians

- to get rid of him.
- So, to get rid of the guy,

- your friend told him you were lesbians?
- Yes. That's how these two started,

but then...

they liked it so they stuck with it.

And did that work?

Woman: No, she said, "We don't like cock."
And then he...

She said, "We don't like cock"?

So, sorry? So, someone got

his cock out in the middle
of the dance floor in a club

and you went,
"Oh, no, sorry, we're lesbians."

You could have just told him to fuck off.
You're incredibly polite.

"I'll make up an excuse
so he doesn't feel bad. I...

"I don't want the flasher
to feel rejected."

How nice are you'?

- And has anyone else been flashed?
- Man: Yeah.

Man: I got arrested for flashing.

- You got arrested for flashing?
- Yeah.

Well, don't take it out on me.

What do you mean,
you got arrested for flashing?

Well, I was going for a piss.

You were going for a piss.

This sounds like bullshit to me.

You were going for a piss.
Where were you going for a piss?

Set the scene for us. I've never met
anyone that's flashed. Go on.

Going for a piss in a primary school.

Man: It was in a car park...

- Got in a car park, OK.
- Outside.

In a car park, outside,
you're going for a piss.

Caught short. Late at night.

- Fine. OK.
- Yeah.

Man: And, er, I needed a piss.
So I went up against a tree.

- You went up against a tree.
- Yeah.

Turned out it wasn't a tree,
it was a fat girl?

Go on. So you walked up to a tree
to take a pee in a car park.

This doesn't sound terrible.
So far, I'm on this guy's side.

Go on.

Man: So there was a woman in the trees.

There was a woman in the trees?

Sounds like you've broken dogging
etiquette by pissing on someone.

So you went up to take a piss on a tree
and there was a woman in the tree?

Man: No, she was walking.
There was a pathway.

- She was walking. OK.
- And it was outside a police station.

And it was outside a police station.

What kind of a fucking idiot are you?!

You went for a piss
in the police station car park?

Why didn't you just turn yourself in?

That's a cry for help if ever I heard one.

"Lock me up before I hurt someone."

And what...
Did she scream? Did she...?

- What happened?
- No, she went into the police station

Man: and they came out and
arrested me for indecent exposure.

They came out
and arrested you for indecent...

Is it because you're a bit ginger?

Do you think they would have let you off
if you hadn't been quite as...?

I'm sorry about these lights as well.
We could well be giving you skin cancer.

I don't...
I think I'm on your side there.

If you were taking a piss,
that's not indecent exposure, is it?

What do we think?
Are we on this guy's side?

YEAH!

There's one man, "No."

Stop pissing outside, you crazy fool.
But...

Cos there was a woman in
the other night with a story. She said,

"Oh, I got flashed." And then she told me
this story and I wasn't sure.

She said, "I got flashed."
I said, "Has anyone got flashed?"

She said, "I got flashed in Disneyland."
I said, "I'm all ears."

She said, "I was in Disneyland Florida.

"I was walking in past the hotels
in Disneyland and into the park.

"And I looked up at one of the hotels

"and the guy was opening
his bedroom curtains, flashed me."

I said, "No, he didn't.
You are a Peeping Tom."

My girlfriend wants a diamond ring.

And the only reason I know that is it's
pretty much all she fucking talks about.

Let's face facts. The only way
my girlfriend's getting a diamond ring

is if the vajazzler slips.

I don't really understand the vajazzle.

I mean, I know what a vajazzle is.
I know what it is.

They whip away all
the hair from your fou fou

and then they diamant? it.

I say "thew

I imagine you can get some Pritt Stick
and glitter and have a crack yourself.

Have a sparkly crack yourself,
you're welcome. Um...

I just don't know who that's for.

I've never met a man who said to me,
"Oh, I love vaginas...

"...but I wish they were
a bit more zhooshie.

"A bit more sparkles wouldn't go amiss.
I want a glamor puss.

"A showbiz entrance."

Has anyone had a vajazzle?

- Women: Yes.
- She has.

What... what motif did you go for, madam?

Woman: I actually had a heart cos I was
a little bit embarrassed to ask for one.

You had a heart because
you were embarrassed to ask for...?

- Like, something spectacular.
- You were embarrassed

to ask for something spectacular?!
So, you were fine with

someone putting glitter on your fanny,
but you went,

"I don't want to ask for
anything embarrassing."

How adorable. And was it for
a special occasion, or was it just...'?

- No, I just thought, "Why not?"
- You thought, "Why not?"

Well, plenty of fucking reasons.
Basic hygiene.

Your boyfriend could chip a tooth.

Ha-ha-ha! And it was definitely a proper
vajazzle, not a Liverpool vajazzle,

which is just a euphemism for herpes?

Ha-ha-ha!

- Has anyone else come across a vajazzle?
- Man: He has.

He has?

Not hers, I hope.

- Go on, what did they have?
- Um, I can't remember.

Man: I was my stag do.

You can't remember, it was your stag do?

Ooh-ooh...

You can't remember anything?

Sounds like a Liverpool vajazzle to me.

"No, love, I don't know what happened.
It's just really itchy."

Fucking hell!

Obviously I could never get a vajazzle
because I don't have a vajayjay.

But I would consider glitter balls.

You know, for a special occasion.

Oh, speaking of special occasions,
there was a couple in,

a couple of weeks ago at one of my gigs,
35 years married.

I got chatting cos I thought, "Quite
an incredible thing in this day and age."

I got chatting. I said, "What did you get
her for the anniversary?" And he said,

"Deep-fat fryer."

I said, "Well, what did she get you?"

And he went, "Chips."

And they seemed thrilled
with that arrangement.

It got me chatting to people about
what is the worst gift you've ever got?

Birthday, anniversary,
Christmas, Valentine's -

What is the worst piece of shit
you ever got?

Ahem, we've had a heckle. Go on,
what was that, sir? A little bit louder.

Man: Tickets to this show.

OOH!

No, that's fine.
What's your name?

- What? Sorry?
- Man: Toby.

Toby, do you mind me
sharing with the group?

- Toby: Go for it.
- Thank you very much indeed, Toby.

That makes it much easier,
cos there's a heckle.

It was quite a good heckle,
quite a funny heckle,

but we have to do a heckle put-down now.
God.

I would love if I could just let it go,
but I can't.

There are rules.

But you don't mind me sharing with
the group so it makes it much easier.

We can go old-school.

- Man: Stop stalling.
- What? Sorry?

- Stop stalling.
- Stop stalling?

Don't panic, sir.

I've got this.
I'll have to put you on arsehole waiting.

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha.

Toby's mum...

...is ...is so fat......

she's a fucking disgrace, Toby.

Your mum is such
a chunky-monkey-wobble-slob,

fatty, boom-blatty, blubbernaut,

she's so fucking fat,
when she fell down the stairs,

I thought EastEnders had finished.

Boom, boom, boom-boom,
boom, ba-ba-ba-bum.

True story.

Ahem...

You, sir.

What did you say?
What was it? Stop stalling?

Yeah? What's your name?

Man: Gary.

Are you trying to say Gary?

Watch me.

Ngyergh. Ngyergh. Ngyergh.

...the fuck is that?!

Well, Gary, if you want my comeback,

you'll have to scrape it
off your mum's teeth.

Uh-huh! Ha, ha-ha!

Worst gifts?

What's the worst gift?

- What, sorry?
- Woman: A bread maker.

You got a bread maker?

I've..
Your husband bought you a bread maker.

What a fucking arsehole!

No, I just hate the whole concept
cos bread makers...

I bet he spent like 200 quid
on a bread maker.

That's convenient, isn't it?!

Cos you don't live near shops
and bread isn't fucking cheap

Oh, I'll just make my own. That's fine.

Cos the ingredients cost more than
a loaf of bread, but don't worry about it.

So, what did you get him?

Instead of an engagement ring, you...?

You got a bread maker
instead of an engagement ring?

You broke up with him, right?

You've just divorced him?

Yay!

Why did you go through with marrying him?

I mean, that must have been
fucking awkward in the office. Oh...

"Look at this!"

"Ooh, it's a nice one! Sparkly!"

You poor thing.

Any other bad gifts?

You got what, sorry?

Man: A dog pooper-scooper.

A dog pooper-scooper?

Do you have a dog?

Man: At the time, yes.

At the time, yes'?

What the fuck have you done
with your dog, dude?

What happened to your dog?

- Man: I don't have him any more.
- You don't have him any more?

Toby's mum ate him!

The fat bitch!

Sorry, dude! Um...

Any other bad gifts?

Man: Nothing!

What did you get? Nothing?

Man: I got nothing!

Jesus, listen to the bitterness there!

I think there are
worse gifts than nothing.

So, like this, like... women get bought
Hoovers by their other half.

And it's not just a shit gift,
it's a bit of a dig.

"At least something in the house
has got some fucking suction!"

"Well, you said
you wanted a bag and a belt!

"That's got both! You're welcome!"

There was a girl in the other day
for her 21 st birthday.

From her nana...
Now, nanas are mental anyway,

but her nana bought her, gift wrapped,
beautifully gift wrapped,

an Argos catalogue.

With two pound coins
Sellotaped to the front.

- AW!
- "Aw, pikeys!"

The worst one I think a lot have -
Secret Santa.

- You do Secret Santa at your work?
- YES!

It's a nightmare, to get something good
for under a fiver, a tenner.

I went out and bought
a Braun mustache trimmer.

She was livid!

No pleasing some people.
Not like she didn't need it. Um...

The...

The best gift is obviously anal sex. Um...

Not for a Secret Santa!
That's a fucking disaster!

But no, it is!
It's better to give than to receive

and anal sex is the gift
that keeps on giving,

unless it stops giving,
in which case, it tears.

Ooh, too much?

The worst one that I think a
lot of people have bought

gift vouchers.
Who here's bought gift vouchers?

YES!

What were you thinking?

You walked into a shop and went,
"Excuse me, could you help me?"

"I've got some money here,
this is accepted everywhere."

"Could you fix it for me
so it just works in this one shop...

for a limited time period?

"I should explain,
it's a gift and I'm fucking idiot!"

It's a great feeling when you get a woman
you've been chasing for...miles!

I've known thousands of women in
the biblical sense and, by biblical sense,

I mean made-up women
that don't really exist.

A lot of people
just drift into relationships

Without really thinking about it
and we call those people...

Men.

A lot of men say, when they first
get together with a woman, they can't

initially tell if it's "the real thing",
but I can, cos I've got

a special little indicator that sticks up.

Come on in. Sit down.
What's your name, madam?

Woman: Alexa.

- Alexa?
- Yeah.

What is it, some sort of cystitis?
What's the matter?

- What do you do for a living, Alexa?
- Um, lots of things.

- You do lots of things?
- Yeah.

Yes, I think I've seen a card
advertising your services...

"Are you new in town?"
Go on...

Don't let me guess!

- So, I'm an aspiring presenter.
- You're an aspiring presenter?

- Yeah.
- Ooh!

Well, I'll say to you what I say to
all aspiring presenters that I meet.

I'll have an Americano, please.

Oh, I fucking love my job. Um...

Gentlemen, do you remember
what you were doing

the first time you told a woman
that you loved her?

I do, I was lying.

Don't give me that look.
It worked. I fucked her.

We went out for a drink the other night,
me and my girlfriend,

and we chatted about what people actually
think about when they're having sex.

Not a conversation I would recommend.

She said to me, "What kind of a man
fantasies about his partner's friends

"whilst he's actually having sex
with his partner?" And I said...

"Promise you won't get mad?"

What do you think is the most important
thing in a relationship? Give us a shout.

- Man: Sex.
- Sex.

How long have you been together
with your woman'?

- Man: Four years.
- Four years'?

And sex is still the most important thing?

Well, you, sir, are a liar.

Up to two years, I would give you.
Up to two years is fine.

Sex is the most important thing,
you're ripping each other's clothes off,

it's fantastic. After two years,
What's that coming up oh the inside?

It's coming up pretty fast. Sky Plus!

Any other thoughts?
Most important thing in a relationship?

- Women: Trust!
- Trust.

A lot of the ladies saying trust.

Any other?

- Cricket?
- Man: Cooking.

Cooking?
Cooking's the most important thing?

Are you the guy from Quantum Leap
and have you just got here from 1970?

Cooking's the most important thing
in a relationship.

Have you ever become engaged by awarding
someone a bread maker by any chance?

Not the weirdest answer.
The weirdest answer I had recently.

I said, "What's the most important thing
in a relationship?" And a bloke went...

"Consent."

There was a guy up in
Edinburgh and I said,

"Most important thing in a relationship?"
He went... "Me!"

The terrified-looking woman
next to him going...

- Any other thoughts?
- Man: Lubricant!

Lubricant?

Well, if you run out...

Any other?

Man: A puncture repair kit.

- What, sorry?
- Man: A puncture repair kit.

A puncture repair kit?

That's funny, I like that.
I think it deserved more. Come on.

- Um, any other?
- Woman: Love.

What, sorry?

- Woman: Love.
- Love?

Grow up!

Who are you in a relationship with?
Your My Little Pony?

Any other thoughts?
The most important thing?

- Woman: Laughter!
- Laughter? I don't know about that.

I do think a sense of humor
is what I look for in a woman,

cos if a woman can see
the funny side of life,

she's much less likely to press charges.

The most important thing, I think trust.

For me, I think trust is the most
important thing in a relationship,

because, if you're with a woman,
and you don't 100% trust her,

how do you know she's not
going to tell your wife?

I do love it when a woman says
those magic words that mean

she's definitely up for sex that night.

"This drink tastes funny."

I'm joking!

You can't taste it!

I'm not a prude.
You'd agree with that, wouldn't you?

- YES.
- I'm not prudish. Here's the thing!

I don't like swearing during sex.

Who wants to hear that kind of language,
especially from a child?!

Ooh, the look you gave me there!

You prefer a sweary kid! Fair enough!

I had a thing happened to me recently.
A little bit embarrassing.

I got caught... I didn't think this could
happen when you're a grown-up.

I got caught masturbating...

by my girlfriend. What do you say?!

"Sorry I woke you!"

"You've got sleep in your eye."

I don't know about you,
but I don't like celebrities

that are only famous
because of who their parents are.

Like Calum Best and Peaches Geldof

and Jesus!

I heard a reporter on Sky News say,

"At least one person killed
in suicide bomb attack."

Yeah, obviously!

That is the bare minimum
you need to qualify.

It was something about burning
your copy of the Koran in Afghanistan

and I was watching it thinking,
"I would never burn a copy of the Koran,

"because I've got a Kindle."

"Just delete it. Don't fuck about."

I'm not worried about
Islamic suicide bombers.

They can only do it once. A Hindu
suicide bomber, that is more of a threat.

Because of the reincarnation.

"I don't know what's going on!"

I was gonna talk to you about
terrorist threat levels in this country,

cos our government picked the weirdest
words for our terrorist threat levels.

You know sometimes they announce
them at the end of the news'?

The weather, the pollen count
and then the terrorist threat level,

for no reason at all.
And it's words that I don't understand.

So, at the moment, the terrorist threat
level in this country is "substantial".

I asked a police officer, "What am I meant
to do with substantial?" He said...

"Watch yourself."

I said, "Well, I'm not involved!"

Do you know what the highest
terrorist threat level is?

How's this for a creepy word?

"Imminent."

What the fuck am I meant to do
with "imminent"?!

I imagine clench.

I mean, I've never been near a bomb
when it's gone off, but I imagine that -

take the edge off, wouldn't it?

And we all know that isn't
the highest terrorist threat level.

The highest terrorist threat level,
as we all know, is

"I don't care if this does look racist,
I'm getting off the bus."

"That is a massive rucksack and he doesn't
need to be saying his prayers out loud.

"I'm fucking doing one."

Where middle-class guilt
is overtaken by fear,

you know you're in trouble.

Of course, with these jokes,
I could face the wrath of Islam.

Which I've always thought
sounds like a shit pub.

"Where are we going?"
"Wrath of Islam."

"Oh, for fuck's sake!

"There's no booze,
there's no fruit machine!

"There's no pork scratchings!"

"Yeah, but women can get stoned."

Sometimes, doing this job,
you feel very exposed.

Not when I'm doing jokes, but when
I'm doing an observational bit of comedy.

You feel like, if no-one can relate
to this, I'm gonna feel a fool.

So, share with me
if you've had a similar experience.

It's always embarrassing when you get
an erection during a prostate exam.

And they realise!

"Hang on, you're not a real doctor."

Hey, joke's on her,
she hasn't even got a prostate.

Have we got any teenage girls in?
Give us a shout, any teenage girls?

I'm sorry.

I realise that is a creepy question!

Teenage girls, the reason I ask,

I read a thing recently that said that
90% of teenage girls are sexually active.

Bullshit! A lot of them just lie there!

"I'm frightened!
You're not my real dad!"

I often get asked by young guys,
young men after the show often ask me,

"Can you laugh a woman into bed?"

And the short answer? Yes.

Obviously, she's too young for you if you
have to say "peek-a-boo", but, yeah.

You can laugh a woman into bed.
The tough bit comes 20 minutes later,

when you're trying
to laugh her into a taxi home.

I don't want to make a big deal of this,

but I recently adopted a newborn
African child. He was just seven pounds,

plus postage and packing.

That's how they get you.

If only they'd put holes in that box.

And that is the joke, interestingly,
that Richard Curtis said was a bit much

for the Comic Relief gig.

Have you all been on that
first foreign holiday abroad?

The first foreign holiday
you went on without your parents?

Everyone been on that holiday?

YES!

Has anyone not been on that holiday yet?

- YES!
- Oh, quite a few of you'?

You've got a lot to look forward to.
It's an amazing trip.

It tends to be all the guys go away
together, all the girls go away together,

somewhere hot in Europe
that's cheap that year.

We went away, five of us, that went
all the way through school together,

we just got our A-level results,
went away for two weeks in Faliraki.

It was awesome!

Sun, sea, sex and sand - that's what
we were looking for, that's what we found.

It was an amazing,
life-affirming, wonderful holiday.

Well, in those two weeks, I had sex with
12 different people. I'm not bragging.

I was gang raped.

Still, I didn't let it spoil my trip.

If there's a fight,
I let my fists do the talking.

"Please don't hurt me."

I went to a fairly posh,
single-sex school,

but I never really fitted in.

I think it's partly because I'm male.

Partly because I was 35
when they caught me.

My granddad always used
to insist on standing up

Whenever a woman entered the room,

which is ultimately what led to him
losing his Disability Living Allowance.

I was up in north London,
I saw a guy in the high street

with a guide dog and a white stick
and I went up to him,

I went, "You must be blind."

He said, "Tell me something I don't know."

I said, "There's a tree over there."

"Don't be a dick about it."

You never forget your first, especially
if they've got an unusual name. Akela?

There's something I don't understand
about a woman's G-spot.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

I can drive a woman...

Well done!

That's hit home there, has it?

Touched a nerve, so to speak?

How very apt.

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue.
Would you like me to demonstrate?

- YES
- OK, pay attention.

All the action is happening here, young
man. Drive a woman wild with your tongue.

"Have you put on weight?"

That easy.

Anal sex is overrated - it's fucking shit.

And it hurts like buggery!

I tried it with my girlfriend.
She was bored to tears!

Has everyone that's gonna get it got it?
Let's move along.

We've been together now for 12 years,
me and my girlfriend,

so to keep things fresh in the bedroom,
we do a little bit of role-play.

She pretends to be a nurse
and I pretend I'm still attracted to her.

That's divided the room, hasn't it?

There's people who thought that was funny,
and then there are unattractive women.

Some girls like to have
the lights off for sex to happen.

They like all the lights to be out
before they have sex.

And they've got a name.
They're called fugly munters.

I've never had a complaint
about that joke.

I've never had a woman come up
after the show and go,

"Excuse me, I'm a fugly munter.

"How do you think I feel?"

Hungry?

Are there couples in? Give us a shout.

I've got a theory about sex
in long-term relationships.

So, the received wisdom is
it's men that instigate sex

within a long-term relationship.

It's the man that says, "Shall we go
upstairs for a bit of slap and tickle,

"bit of how's-your-father,

bit of sticky belly?"

Whatever you call it in your houses.

But it's the man that asks.

I think that is misogynistic bullshit.

That's like saying the man's got the sex
drive and the woman is just passive.

I reckon it's about 50-50
in most relationships.

The reason you don't notice
when women asks for sex is

because when women ask for sex,
it happens.

We've got the expression "getting lucky"
because we're rolling the dice, ladies.

If your woman says to you, "Do you want
to go upstairs and fuck?" "Yep."

It doesn't matter what else is going on.

You could be full of flu, you could have
just received devastating news,

you could have just been
shot in the leg...by her.

"Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?"
"Yes, I do."

But sometimes, gentlemen...
You'll know this.

Sometimes in a long-term relationship,

you'll suggest becoming amorous
with your partner,

you'll suggest having sex,
and she'll say, "No!"

And then she will give you some
kind of mercurial strange reason as to why

sex could not occur
at that moment in time.

And you would like to respond.
You'd like to argue back,

but you can't think of anything
because you can't think at all

because all the blood is somewhere else.

So I thought, "Why don't we take advantage
of the situation we find ourselves in?

"Why don't we workshop it?" What reasons
have you heard, gentleman,

not to have sex? And we'll come up with
a response. What have you heard?

- Man: Headache.
- Headache?

- Man: Tired.
- Tired. Let's deal with those in order.

Headache. Easy. If a woman says,
"Look, I've got a headache,"

just say, "I'm going to be
right at the other end.

"I could not be further away
from that problem.

"Also, I'm going to fuck you.
We're not doing sudoku.

"You're not going to need
your wits about you."

Tired... Tired is like the modern
equivalent of headache.

And I think genuinely if a woman says,

"I can't have sex, I'm tired,"
What you've got to do,

you've got to listen, obviously.

You've got to acknowledge.
It's not enough just to listen.

She's got to know that you've heard.

And then make a suggestion.
That's my advice, anyway.

Don't demand anything from a woman.
Make a suggestion.

So if a woman says,
"I can't have sex, I'm tired,"

I'd say, "Of course you're tired,
I hear you.

"You've got the kids, you've got
the house, you've got work.

"You must be exhausted.

"So why don't you,
and it's just a suggestion,

"but why don't you...

"do what you normally do
and just fucking lie there?"

"You lazy fucking cow."

- Any other excuses for not...
- Man: Pregnant!

- Man: Too young!
- Pregnant?

She's too young.

This is a long-term relationship
you're in, right?

She says, "I really can't have sex
with you, I'm too young."

Yeah.

- And what was that one?
- Man: Pregnant.

Are you trying to nudge her
towards a three-way?

Is that bad? Clearly, yes.

Man: She's dead!

I don't want to alarm anyone,
but we've got a pirate in the house.

Hoist the mainsail!

She's dead.

She's dead?

And yet you're still hearing
a voice saying, "No."

That isn't her, that's your conscience,
you monster!

Any other excuses for not having sex?

Your cook's too big?
Try fucking a grown-up!

Any other...

Man: She's on the blob!

Sorry, sir, can you just repeat
what you said there?

Man: She's on the blob!

She's on the blob.

How nicely put, sir.

I think...

I think a lesser man might have said,
"menstruation,"

or "her time of the month"

or maybe "period".

Even "Arsenal are playing at home."

Or "She has the red devil in her belly."

"Up on bricks."

But you went with
the much more genteel...

"On the blob!

"She's on the blob, ain't she?"

I think, in all seriousness,
if a woman says,

"I can't have sex, I've got my period,"

I would say,
"Well, your arse isn't bleeding, is it?"

"Yet.

yet..."

"Give me a moment to work my magic."

The best one I heard recently, someone
said... A very nice gig in Cambridge...

"Are there any reasons for not having sex
within a long-term relationship

"that you've heard from a woman?"
And a woman went,

"Morning fanny."

I said, "What?"
She said, "Morning fanny."

I went, "Yeah, I heard you."

"I don't know what that is.
What's morning fanny?"

And she said,
"Do you know morning breath?

It's that downstairs."

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Morning fanny. Who knew?

I'm telling these rather bawdy jokes,

but I'm actually quite a sensitive
kind of guy, quite metro sexual.

I remember the first time I got together
with my girlfriend, 12 years ago now,

the first time we had sex,
the first time we hooked up, I cried.

I don't know whether it was
the physical act or the emotion of it

or the pepper spray, but I teared up.

People do weird shit sexually.

Shall we talk about some of
the weird shit people do?

YES!

Gerontophiles.
If you're not familiar with the term,

gerontophiles are people that find
the very elderly sexually attractive.

I know. Bit of a mouthful, isn't it?
Gerontophile.

I prefer to call them OAPaedos.

They like a bit of granny fanny.
Where's the harm?

50 Shades Of Grey -
a very different thing for them.

Years ago, this woman introduced
handcuffs into our sexual relationship...

when she called the police.

I said, "I'll come quietly."

if you strangle yourself during sex,
it's called auto erotic asphyxiation.

If you do it to someone else,
it's called a serious sexual assault.

My bad.

A fluffy.
Do you know what a fluffy is?

A fluffy is when you're having sex
with a woman and...

Sorry, scratch that. Not when
you're having sex with a woman.

When you are making love to a lady.

And as you make love
to that beautiful lady,

a fluffy is when she farts on your balls.

Couple of things, couple of quick things.

Firstly, really?

That's happening enough that we needed
a special term for that?

And secondly...

how do you ask for that?

Not that I would want that to happen,

but...when you find out that's your
thing, how do you ask for it to happen?

Because presumably no-one asked
for that the first time it happened.

That was a happy accident.
He was working away

and one slipped out. And he thought,
"That's not an unpleasant sensation."

But then it's very difficult
to ask for that to happen again.

It's very difficult to come across
as Mr Darcy, the king of romance,

when saying to the woman in your life,

"Would you mind, later on,
when we make love,

"farting on my balls?"

Much easier...take her out for
Indian food and hope for the best.

Has anyone in here ever walked in
on people having sex?

- Man: Yes.
- What did you walk in on, sir?

- My parents.
- Your parents?

What kind of... what kind of special hug
was Mummy doing with Daddy?

What did you actually see
when you walked in?

Man: Awful things.

What was your dad up to?

His balls, presumably, but...

Did you... Did you get an eyeful?

Sorry, obviously not like that.
That would be awful!

You'd have to think that was
premeditated...if you walked in

and he was,
"This is going to be brilliant."

You saw your parents? I presume
you followed the classic etiquette

of walking in on people having sex,
which is, you walk in, I see, off.

And in your case, straight to therapy.

Has anyone else walked
in on people having sex?

- Man: Yes.
- Go on, what did you walk in on, sir?

Man: My daughter.

I don't know why that's bad,
but it's so much worse.

Because if it was your son,
I think we would all go,

"Yeah, go on, son. Go on, my son."

But with your daughter,
you can't walk in and...

"Go on, love!"

"Oh, you look like
you're fucking loving that."

"There's my little girl."

I mean, hopefully,
it was a guy you approved of.

Was it a guy you approved of?

Man: He's sitting next to me.

He's sitting next to you?

I hope you obeyed the etiquette.
You walk in, you walk out straightaway.

There are certain things
people do sexually, though,

that that could not be your response.

Are we all familiar
with the rusty trombone?

It's a sexual practice whereby
a lady is kissing a guy's arse.

I don't mean that metaphorically.
I mean that in a far more

literal and rimmy type sense.

As that's going on,
she's also administering a hand job.

So there's this movement
and the pursed lips.

Well, you can
see how they got to "rusty trombone".

I've got no problem with the name, per se.

My question is, if you walked in on people
doing that, what would your response be?

Are you sure?!

Got a question for the ladies.

All women I know
have got a very clear line.

On one side of the line,
things they're happy, confident,

comfortable and enjoy doing sexually
with a loving partner.

On the other side of the line,
things they've been asked to do

but they've said, "No."

What I would like to know, ladies,

is what have you been asked to do
that you've said, "No"?

I don't mean reverse-park or wash up.

Where do you draw the line is really
what I'm asking. What have you been

asked to do that you've said, "No"?

You look confused. Did you not realise
you could turn shit down?

Know what I mean?

You're just hearing now.

- Woman: Anal!
- You draw the line at anal?

- What, sorry?
- Woman: Yeah, totally.

"Yeah, totally."
But oh his birthday, yeah?

Man up, lady.

That's where you draw the line?

OK, any advance on that?
Any other weirder things?

Woman: Threesomes!

A threesome?
What kind of threesome was it, madam?

Was it two guys and you, or a proper one?

Go on, what kind of threesome was it?

Woman: Two women.

Two women.

I think, see... I think on the surface
that sounds misogynistic, doesn't it?

He's gone, "I need two women
to satisfy me cos I'm such a man."

I don't think that's what it's about.
I think he was thinking of you.

He was thinking, "Wouldn't it be lovely
if, after lovemaking,

she had someone to talk to?"

Thinking of you.

He loves you.

Any others? Any advance on this?

Egging?

What, sorry?

Man: Pegging!

I'm not sure if I'm mishearing
or you can't talk. It's tough.

Go on, what are you saying?

- Man: Pegging-
- Pegging?

Pegging-

What the fuck is pegging?

Isn't that just running?

What's pegging?

Man: It's where she gets a dildo on
and does you up the arse.

Do you mean foreplay?

And she wouldn't do that, sir?

What a prude!

Any...

Woman: Blumpkin.

Blumpkee?

What's a blumpkee?

Woman: It's when you give a guy a
blow job while he's having a shit.

I think...

If I'm not mistaken, she just said,
"It's when you give a guy a blow job

while he's having a shit."

I mean, I'm sorry, madam,
a guy asked you to do that?

You know what, though'? I admire that guy!

Because that's what made
this country great.

That's what made...

civilization great.

Daring to dream.

There's an optimistic man.

"Oh, I'm having a shit.
I've had loads of shits. Pretty boring.

What about..."

"This whole area is free.

It's all going on back here."

At what point in the relationship
did he ask for that?

- The end.
- The end!

Not a bad way to end a relationship.

Things aren't going well,
you're not getting on.

"I'll see if she'll suck me off
while I'm having a shit."

Cos if she says yes,
I think she loves you.

Any other weirdness?

The reason I've asked that question
a few times now is

because it's my favourite bit
of the show.

Because I know
that there are women out there

who are currently having
pressure applied to their legs...

by the men in their lives.

There are men out there going, "I just
wanted to fucking try it. Shut up."

The weirdest one I heard about recently
from an audience member was a Simba.

Have you heard of a Simba?

You know a Simba?

A Simba is...
It's from The Lion King, I believe.

It's when you're with a beautiful lady,
you're making sweet love to her,

and you finish on her chest.

Fine.

Little bit disrespectful,
some might think, but fine.

And you take...

Simba.

Bringing a little Disney magic
to the bedroom.

I'm not sure my girlfriend
would appreciate a Simba.

But I think...
I think I could just do it on my own.

I think the next time...

I think the next time I'm at home
and I've got broadband

and a bit of time to myself,
I think I might try and finish there.

Simba.

I've got a tip for the ladies.

Or, if you like,
I could put the whole thing in.

Just a short one.

Do you want to know the secret
to the perfect hand job?

Use your mouth.

I left my last girlfriend
cos she got really fat.

"I'm pregnant"
There's always an excuse.

Breast-feeding in public.
Does that annoy anyone else?

YES!

Annoys me. The baby's head gets in the
way. Can't see a fucking thing, can you?

No, no-one likes having
their parenting technique criticized.

But would you agree
that seven is too old to be in a pram.

Would you agree with that?

- YES.
- Yeah.

Would you have said anything?

Cos I said as much.

"It's a wheelchair."
"Is it?"

Who's got kids? Give us a shout.

Who hasn't got kids?

We sound happier.

Which is weird, because we're not trying
to get anyone to join our gang.

People with kids never stop going on
about it, especially when you're my age.

People with kids..."Join us. Join us."

"We're so happy?'

You don't look happy, you look tired.

"Join us."

"Who's going to take care of you
when you're old?"

Medical professionals!

I've got to go now.
I've got to have 12 hours' sleep.

I'm not even tired.

Of course, the pill revolutionized the way
that women control their bodies.

Before its invention, our poor nanas
had to take it up the wrong 'un.

Or face falling down the stairs...

in a hot bath drunk on gin
with a coat hanger chaser.

My best friend's wife is having a baby.

And I asked him, I said,
"What do you want, a boy or a girl?"

And he thought about it.
He said, "I wanted a blowjob."

Really mournful.

I like getting a blow job off the missus.
I don't know if you get this.

I don't know if you get a blow job
off my missus, but...

The thing I like about oral sex
with my partner...

I think the thing most men enjoy
about oral sex with their partner

is not anything sexual, ladies.
It's the peace and quiet.

Ladies, if you've ever been going down
on my guy and he's gone, "Oh, oh!"

that's hot your technique, that's hot
the sound of his sexual ecstasy.

That is the sound of a man
not being asked a question.

I would think about adoption.

I don't have kids, but if I had kids,
I think I would have them adopted.

People criticized Madonna,
but the kids she adopted, Fair Trade.

Have we got any dads in?
Give us a shout, all the dads.

Did you cry at the birth
of your first child?

Very few of you admitting it.

A lot of guys are embarrassed by the fact

they cried at the birth
of their first child.

I think it's cos they don't quite know
why they cry. There's different theories.

Some people think it's the
biological bond with the child

that you meet for the first time.

That can't be it. You're only meeting it
for the first time. Not like the mother

that's been carrying it inside her.
That's more of a biological thing.

With the guy, hmm, no.

Some people think men cry
at the birth of their first child

because of the gift that's been bestowed
oh them by the woman in their life.

That would make them tear up.

No.

I think the real reason most men cry at
the birth of their first child is because

they see what the little shit's
done to the missus.

"Oh, no!"

"Now she's got a vaganus."

Um...

If my grandmother knew how
much I spent on her funeral,

she would be spinning in her ditch.

When I was a kid, I didn't want
to imagine my parents having sex,

so I'd watch them from the wardrobe.

Can closet gay agoraphobics ever come out?

How can you possibly explain the
concept of death to a young child?

Well, you need a hammer and a hamster.

He's not gone to live on a farm, has he?
He's all over the fucking shop.

It always feels so much better
when you have a wank with a dead arm.

But apparently I ruined that funeral.

I remember in the playground,
"My dad's harder than your dad."

It's not really the issue.

The issue is, both our dads
have erections in a playground.

Researchers have created a contraceptive
pill that deactivates sperm

before it reaches the womb.

My girlfriend has got something
similar called stomach acid.

10% of women have cried
in a shop changing room.

I guess they weren't expecting
to see me there.

Here's an interesting fact.

The reason morris dancers wear bells is
so blind people know they're cunts, too.

They say,
"A problem shared is a problem halved."

Didn't really work with AIDS, did it?

Do you know you can get
AIDS from a toilet seat?

But only if you sit down
before the last guy's got up.

My girlfriend asked me recently,
"What's happened to your sex drive?"

I said, "I burned it and smashed it
with a hammer."

"I was worried the police
were going to get hold of it."

Humans and dolphins are the only
mammals that have sex for pleasure.

But a dog will do it for a biscuit.

Look.

If you suffocate in a "bag for life"...

...you'd be fucking livid, wouldn't you?

The irony'd kill you.

I recently read Great Expectations,

and it wasn't as good as I
thought it was going to be.

I can do a brilliant Michael
Jackson impersonation.

- Would you like to see it?
- YES!

I just need a young volunteer
that can keep a secret.

You know those human statues
you get in the middle of town'?

You know the ones? Painted silver
and gold, stand stock-still?

And if you give them 50p when
you walk past, they move their hand,

like, a fraction.

Actually works out cheaper if you're going
to get past them every day

just to buy a Taser.

I had a thing happen in the
high street the other day.

You know the charity muggers?

You know the ones with the clipboard
and the optimism in the high street?

I dodged two of the cunts
and the third one got me

with what I considered
to be an unfair tactic.

The backwards walk 'n' talk.

So I hadn't stopped, I hadn't made
eye contact, and she told me her sad story

as she trotted along backwards.

And the wording was just perfect for me.

She said, "Do you know how often

- people die from AIDS?"
- I said, "I'm not an expert,

"but I'm guessing just the once."

I saw an extraordinary
anti-AIDS thing recently.

I was in Johannesburg last
year doing some gigs.

And I saw in Johannesburg
this charity had printed a leaflet

with everything you needed to
know about HIV and AIDS,

cos there's a lot of myths
about AIDS in South Africa.

So they printed out this leaflet and, cos
they raised more money than they needed,

they decided to attach a condom
to every leaflet. Good idea.

So they stapled a condom...

Genuinely true.
The Everest of fuck-wittery.

It's weird...
Are there any South Africans in?

There's quite a few. It's weird,
the linguistic differences

you notice when you travel.

Like, in this country when you say, "I'm
not racist," What you tend to mean is,

"I'm not a racist."

In South Africa...

when someone says, "I am not a racist,"

it means, they're about to say
something fucking racist!

Is this racist?

Do Chinese people have Guess Who?

I tried that joke for the first time in a
tiny little 50-seater theatre above a pub

and there was a Chinese lady, front
and center, and she laughed enough

that she sort of bent forward
and it looked like I'd gone, "No."

It's freaky.

Genuinely weird.

I like to think...

I like to think of myself
as an equal-opportunities offender.

I like to think I offend everyone,
and therefore no-one.

Cos it's like a blanket-bombing
approach to offence.

I'm not picking on any group and also
I'm not really making any points, am I?

I'm just trying to make you laugh
for a couple of hours.

That's my only job in this world.

I'm not trying to make any points or
change anyone's mind about anything.

And the best defense of a joke is always,
"It's just a joke. I was only joking.

"Relax. I was just trying
to make you giggle."

When you try and say something
that's true, earnestly from the heart,

that's when it can fuck up much
more spectacularly in your face.

I've got a story about this.
Do you want to hear it?

- YES!
- It's a story about PC

blowing up in a friend's face.

So, this mate of mine... It's quite
a long story, which is unusual for me,

but it's a doozy. You'll enjoy it.

This mate of mine runs a
comedy club out of university.

He's in his mid-60s now.
He's been running it since the early '80s.

It's a legendary club.
Anyway, he runs this thing.

He's quite a right-on kind of guy.
lf there's a petition to sign,

he's signing it and forwarding
the e-mail to me.

If there's a march to go on,
he's on the march.

Very right on, political,
involved kind of guy.

Anyway, he runs this comedy club. This
incident happened about 12 years ago.

He decided to put on a night
of American stand-up comedy.

There happened to be three American
stand-ups in London the same weekend.

OK? So he decided, "Instead of just
booking one, I'll book all three of them,"

"make it like a themed evening,
like the Fourth of July."

"We'll get hot dogs and
Budweiser and what have you."

"It'll be fun."
So, everyone comes to the evening.

There's 300 people in the club
and he's all excited about it.

The first act goes up on stage.
He's a black American stand-up

out of New York City

and he does what I would refer to
as an Uncle Tom routine.

If you're not familiar
with the terminology,

that means he did a racist routine.

All his jokes were based on
negative racist stereotypes.

He got away with it.
He was a very charismatic performer,

he was very handsome,
but the material was...

It was terrible.
I mean, at best, it was...

White guys drive like this
and black guys drive like this.

Nonsense. Ill-observed nonsense.

At worst, it was stuff that would
make your skin crawl, OK?

He totally got away with it that night.

He got a big round of applause
at the end of a half-an-hour set.

And he walked back to the green room
at the club and my mate went in after him.

And he went up to him
and he said, "I want a word."

"You'll get paid for tonight's gig,
there's no problem with that."

"But you would not be welcome back
at my club telling those kind of jokes.

"I think it's racist, I think it's wrong."

"I don't think it's OK for
you to tell racist jokes

just because you're a black guy. I think,
if anything, you should know better."

"I think it denigrates the struggle
of the African-American people,

and you can never say that no-one's told
you so cos I'm telling you so right now."

"It's racist and it's wrong."

And the comedian went...

agree.

"When you're right, you're right.

"But I'm the other black comic.
"I haven't been on yet."

I've been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much
for coming out. Cheers. Appreciate it.

Ta-da!

Thanks very much. Cheers.
Thanks for coming out.

Couple of quick things.

Sometimes if I buy a girl a drink after
the show, she gets the wrong idea.

She thinks I'm just a nice guy
buying her a drink.

No, no, no.

Who's going out after this?
Who's going out tonight?

Loads of you.
Well, I've got nothing but admiration.

I mean, well done,
but I can't wait to get home to bed.

I've had a lovely night,
I've really enjoyed talking to you

but I want to get to sleep now.

I've got to an age where I talk about
sleep like I used to talk about sex.

You should have seen me last night.

I was at it for eight hours.

Eiderdown sheets, blackout blinds,
the fucking lot!

This morning, the snooze button
did not know what fucking hit it.

Well, let's break out some rough stuff.

It's that time of the evening.

Tell you a couple of jokes that
Channel 4 told me were not acceptable.

It was the week of the tsunami.
Remember the tsunami?

All I wanted to say was
the tsunami was terrible.

Tokyo was covered in raw fish and seaweed,

a situation the mayor
described as "delicious".

Could have been worse.
I could've said "dericious".

But I didn't because that would
have been "razy lacism."

I had a similar thing
with Hurricane Sandy.

Remember Hurricane Sandy that devastated
the eastern seaboard of America?

All I wanted to say was it was
the worst thing to hit New York

since those two planes.

Possibly they got it right on that one.

I tend to get into trouble with
the papers for a joke once a year.

Obviously last year I went rogue.

But I tend to get in trouble for a
joke with a journalist once a year.

Last year the joke that got me into
trouble with a journalist was this one.

You probably remember it
from the last show.

Why are they called
Sunshine Variety Coaches

when all the kids on board
look the same?

Now, the word "variety" is doing a lot of
the heavy lifting in that joke. Right?

It's not that bad.
The journalist in question said,

"You can't say that about
retarded children."

Time out.

Cos Variety, the children's charity,
they do great work,

they do a lot of stuff with
mentally disadvantaged children.

But they also do a lot of stuff with
physically disadvantaged children

and socially disadvantaged children.

You can't lump all those kids together
and go, "Bunch of retarded kids."

You can't call anyone "retarded kids".

You're a journalist,
you should know better.

And also, being offended
on behalf of someone else

in my mind is literally fuck-all. That's
just you taking the high moral ground.

For you to be offended, I think, minimum,
you have to be the one that's offended.

So, if you're genuinely offended
by that last joke, you're retarded.

While we're talking about
charitable stuff,

as you leave this evening there's
going to be a bucket connection.

There's people with buckets and tins

and I'll just briefly tell
you what it's about.

We're collecting money this
evening for abused children,

and if we raise between us
just ?500, we can buy

their silence.

That's clearly a joke, right?

The reason I say,
"That's clearly a joke,"

is because I did a gig in Croydon
a couple of months ago

and a woman genuinely came up
to me after the show and went,

"Where are those collection tins?"

Just unpick that for a second.

So not only did she not realise
that was a joke, she wanted to help!

Is anyone totally unoffended
by anything I've said?

You're totally unoffended by anything.
What's your name, sir?

- Hamdii.
- Hamdi.

Unusual name.
You don't hear that every day.

Well, I imagine you do.
It's your fucking name.

- What do you do, Hamdi?
- Student.

- You're a student. What are you studying?
- Economics.

- Economics. Whereabouts?
- Royal Holloway.

Royal Holloway. Maybe if you'd worked
a little bit harder for your A-levels...

I'm just saying, Royal Holloway is not...

I mean, come on, there are universities
that have always been universities,

there are universities that used to be
polytechnics that then became universities

and then there's Royal Holloway,
which I think used to be a 24-hour garage.

Then they got a delivery of books and
they fucking went with it, God love you.

Right, let me try and offend you.

Um, all right, when I was at school,
a mate of mine

got caught wanking in the showers.

Nothing?

Well, it ruined the school
trip to Auschwitz.

It is not going to get any more
offensive than that, dude...

to joke about the worst thing
that has ever happened.

I can't tell you a more
offensive joke than that,

but I can tell you a story about me

that will change your mind about me
and then change it right back.

Do you want hear it?

- YES!
- OK.

It concerns... It's basically telling you
about what it's like being famous.

What it's like is, people ask you
to do things. And it's nice to say yes,

because normally it's fun stuff.

"Do you want to be on Top Gear?�?
Yes, I do.

"Do you want to do a jubilee?"
Yes, I do.

"Do you want to come and visit a hospice?
It's palliative care for teenagers."

Yes, I do.

I got that call about six years ago.
I said, "Yeah, I'll go."

I didn't know what some
of those words meant.

I thought, "it sounds all right.
Teenagers. I imagine that'll be fun."

Now, it transpires "palliative"
translates to "dying".

And I found myself in a situation
Where I went, "Well, I've got to go,

I've said I'll go," and thinking,
"This is going to be shit."

Hand on heart, I thought,
"This is going to be fucking shit."

"But I said I'd go, so I'll go." So I went
there with very low expectations.

I thought, "I'll be lucky to get
through this without tearing up."

I went there. It was genuinely...

I couldn't believe what
a fucking arsehole I am.

Because it was genuinely inspirational.
It was brilliant to go.

If you get a chance to visit a hospice,
go to a hospice. They're amazing. Cos...

I don't know what inspires you.

I like that idea of carpe diem,
living in the moment,

now being where happiness is.

And if you meet life-limited teenagers,
they are having that

because they are aware
of how precious time is.

I think we often forget
in our day-to-day lives.

It was amazing to go and be around.
I've been back many times since,

and I'd recommend it as a thing to do.
It's really fun.

They don't want to be shut away,
they want to be part of society.

The thing that blew me away
when I went there was an incident.

So, if I go out to get coffee
before the show, if I go to Starbucks...

Obviously, my coffee shop of choice.

Similar views.

But if I go out to get
coffee before the show,

if there's a group of 15-year-old
girls in the coffee shop,

they'll be really flirty with me,

not because I'm some
super-attractive dude,

but because I'm a celebrity, and there's
a cachet to celebrity in our society,

for better, for worse.
There just is. It's a fact.

So I'm used to that kind of
flirting in that context.

I wasn't expecting it
within the context

of palliative care for teenagers
in a hospice.

There's a girl in there...
She'd just turned 15, pretty little thing,

and she's a massive comedy fan.

And she had all the DVDs
and seen everything on YouTube,

like, really into it.

And she was really flirty
and really tactile.

And I thought...
well, all she wanted was a kiss.

And I thought, "Well, where's the harm?

"She's going to be dead
before she can testify."

I can see you think that's bad.

But I can make that worse...

...with just two words.

True story.

It is a true story.

It just happens to be about
a different Jimmy.

Thank you so much for coming out.
Thank you very much indeed. Cheers.

Good night. Thank you. Cheers.

# We hope you enjoyed your stay #

# It's good to have you with us #

# Even if it's just for the day #

# We hope you enjoyed your stay #

# Outside the sun is shining #

# Seems like heaven ain't far away #

# It's good to have you with us #

# Even if it's just for the day #