Original subtitles

You have to admit this is beautiful.

Very nice.

-That's what the gap year's all about. -It is.

Sunsets on the beach.

Mmm-hmm. With your father. With my father.

Never have we looked more like...

some dirty old sugar daddy and his young bit of crumpet.

You speak for yourself.

Literally everyone else watching it is a couple.

Well, we're a couple.

-We're just father and son. Yeah.

It's rather nice.

-Weird but nice.

Just off the southwest coast of Thailand

lies the beautiful holiday island of Phuket.

From package tour towns like Patong,

to five-star luxury retreats and high-end beachcombing,

this is the destination for sun, sea, chilling and partying.

Everything my father hates.

But since thus far we've been traveling in five-star luxury,

it's now my turn to choose the accommodation.

And this place has gap year written all over it.

Welcome to beautiful Micky Monkey Beach in Thailand.

All right, you guys are gonna have the time of your life.

I'm very excited. Maybe the time of his life.

It certainly won't be the time of my life, I can tell you.

Ever since I had the idea of taking this trip,

sleeping in a straw hut on the beach is what I've been dreaming of.

-Welcome to Thailand. Sawadee kap. -Thank you.

Though I suspect it'll be a hard sell to my father.

This is it.

That hasn't even got a proper window, even.

-This is like Swiss Family Robinson. -Exactly.

Here we are.

There's only one bed in here. Obviously, it's the wrong one.

-No, that's a double. -This cannot be our one.

It's a double. Look!

It's nice. Come on, this is no different to that train. This is exactly the same.

Well, not quite. It's far too small for two of us.

If the double bed's a problem, there's a hammock.

For you? -No, you can go in the hammock.

If you slept in the hammock,

I would consider having this on my own, this bed.

Fine. I'll sleep in the hammock, you sleep in the hut.

-Okay. It's a deal, then.

Great.

Not so sure about my bed, but mission accomplished.

Right.

You haven't put Winston in there upside down?

There wasn't much room in my bag.

Poor Winston. He's been stuck in there headfirst.

-Come over here to daddy. -Don't do the creepy voice, please.

Sorry about that. Must have been so hot for you in there, too.

Was it Poor little thing.

Stop talking to the doll. It's really weird.

-It's not a doll. It's Winston. -Put him in the hut.

Don't throw him.

I'm not gonna throw him. I'm placing him on the bed.

I've never even been camping with my father,

so I'm really hoping the alfresco lifestyle here

will give us a unique chance to bond.

Although I can see one problem looming.

I'm beginning to worry a bit about the facilities.

In fact, I'd like to have a look to see what the facilities are here.

Seriously.

'Cause if there are no facilities, I'm outta here.

They have facilities.

I bet it's a communal thing, too. I'm not shitting with other people.

They're over here.

Oh, my God! What is that?

That's the toilet.

It's not a toilet. It's a hole in the ground.

Yeah, you squat over it.

And what's that bucket for?

That's so you can sluice yourself clean.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm 76.

I've managed to get to 76 without ever sluicing my bottom.

And I'm not gonna start now. And that is final.

So, in an effort to take my father's mind

off his lavatorial functions,

I booked us a boat ride just around this next cove.

Sounds straightforward enough,

but as a man who hates the sun and sea,

my father has spent a lifetime avoiding beaches.

We're going on the water.

Well, you may be. I'm certainly not.

I'll get on your back.

This is going to be a long afternoon for me.

-Lower. -I can't get much lower.

As you can see, my father is absolutely phobic about getting wet.

Probably why he won't sluice.

God. I'm absolutely drained after that.

-Nearly lost my breath. -Right.

Here is the boat we're gonna be traveling on.

-Yes, this is a tandem kayak. We're gonna be seeing Thailand from a different perspective.

I thought we were going on a proper boat.

-This is a proper boat. -Sir Philip Green. That kind of world.

And also, there's no life jacket in here.

As you know, I can't swim. Presumably trying to rub it in.

You don't need a life jacket. That water goes up to about your waist.

We definitely need a life jacket.

-Fine. I'll get you a life jacket. -You'd regret it.

The other thing my father has a phobia about

is physical exertion of any kind.

-Here we are. -Right, okay.

Where's the oar? There was two oars.

-I don't know.

You're right, there were two oars.

I don't know.

-Yep.

Just get in the back. That's your seat there.

-Yeah.

-No. Just get in the boat.

It's bloody hot, this thing.

For the first time on this trip,

I feel like we're really doing something together.

And to his credit, my father does seem to be embracing the experience.

See, this is nice.

We seem to be going really slowly.

Well, normally two people paddle.

Do you want me to cox for you? No. I don't.

Well, if I did, we might be able to go a bit quicker.

I don't need a cox.

I don't want to be sitting in this boat all day.

-So, go on. Stroke. Stroke. That's not helping.

Stroke. Put your back into it.

I'm trying! Stroke. Stroke.

You're going towards the rocks.

Shit. Turn left now.

I don't know how to turn, because there's no rudder!

Why would anyone, of their own free will, wanna get into one of these buggers?

'Cause it's relaxing.

It's as unrelaxing as anything I can think of.

Where're we going now?

I don't know what to do.

-We're running aground! -You stupid idiot!

-I don't know. You're the sailor.

-Well, I didn't see it.

I'll have to get out...

Perverse as it may seem,

this afternoon is definitely bringing us closer.

Emotionally, if not physically.

And my father is never happier than when he has a chance to complain.

Now I'm going off on my own. Where are you?

I'm gonna get back in.

-Wait, let me go round. -I knew this was gonna happen.

-I'm now gonna be left, abandoned... -No.

...in the middle of this fucking loch or whatever it is.

If someone had told me this morning

that my father would be sat on his own out at sea in a canoe,

I'd never have believed it.

I don't think I need you now. I seem to be doing all right on my own.

Now you can paddle? -Yeah.

I think I'm fine, Jack. Don't worry.

Time for a little rest and relaxation, I think.

Even my father should be able to manage that on his own.

I'm making the best of this for Jack.

And I'm prepared to stay here,

but not if I have to use those repulsive facilities.

So I just need a little time on my own

to deal with my own personal toilet requirements.

There we go.

There you go. -All right. Thank you, my friend.

-Hello. Sawadee ka, sir.

-Welcome to the hotel. -Thank you.

Um, do you have, by any chance, a room I could rent

just maybe for one hour?

No, sir. Here we have a room for a night.

-Yes.

Okay, well, I'll take it for the night.

I only need it for an hour, but thank you.

Peace and quiet at last.

And I can't even hear my father moaning,

so I can only assume that, for once, he's happy.

This is absolutely unbelievable.

I've rented this room at enormous expense for the sole purpose of having a quiet, peaceful poo.

Come and look at this.

It opens.

You don't even have to open it. I like to open it myself.

And then, endless buttons.

Do I press "Full Flush"

"Oscillating"? I don't even know what that means.

"Pulsating" is presumably some kind of sexual thing.

And then down here, a whole new range.

"Rear Cleansing," "Front Cleansing."

And then, there's something called "Rear Soft."

Did you see that? It's done the same bloody thing again.

God!

Phuket's reputation for beaches and partying

famously combine once a month.

And as luck would have it, tonight is that night.

I say luck. The whole trip has been planned around this.

I feel we've made a lot of breakthroughs today.

My dad's not wearing a suit. He's sleeping in a beach hut.

I even got him kayaking.

The final hurdle, and it's a big one, is getting him to a full moon party.

Dance, dance, dance, dance!

It's like being in Colditz.

This is how we party.

The music's very loud. Do you think you can have it turned down a bit?

No. Look, if you just let go, you might enjoy it.

I have let go.

Excuse me. Hello?

Hello?

Service?

Put your hands in the air!

Can I get a drink?

A glass of gin and tonic.

Put your hands in the air!

Jack!

One, two, three, hit it.

Bugger this.

Everybody, put your hands in the air!

Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it!

You won't believe what I've had to go through tonight.

It's been an absolute nightmare.

Night, Wins. Love you.

Make some noise!

The morning after the night before.

We're heading northeast of Phuket to the Ao Phang Nga National Park.

And Pru has flown down from Bangkok to show us round.

Boy, has she got her work cut out today.

Can you tell him to turn the engine down? 'Cause it's far too loud.

You can't, when you're on a boat, ask the man to turn his engine down

because you've got a hangover. Well, maybe he could paddle.

Isn't this beautiful?

Can you see all the islands down here? There are about a hundred of them.

This is one of the most beautiful ones here.

This is called Koh Tapu, which means "Nail Island,"

but I think you know it as the James Bond Island.

Right.

This is where they filmed The Man with the Golden Gun.

Christopher Lee.

Scaramanga, he was the one with three nipples.

That's right. Yes, that's right, he was.

Do you remember you used to have enormous nipples

I had to take you to the doctor.

-Yes, I took you to the doctor...

-and said I was worried--

They were too big in proportion to the rest of you.

You were quite small.

-You were about five or six.

-They were big. -You took me to see a doctor...

-I did.

and it's home to a Muslim village.

All of their houses are built entirely on stilts.

So, basically, they're like sea gypsies.

And the cool thing about them is they're really obsessed with football.

And Koh Panyee, Panyee FC, is one of the best teams in Thailand.

The island I really want to show you guys is Koh Panyee,

and it's home to a Muslim village.

All of their houses are built entirely on stilts.

So, basically, they're like sea gypsies.

And the cool thing about them is they're really obsessed with football.

And Koh Panyee, Panyee FC, is one of the best teams in Thailand.

-That's a bit you, Jack. -Yeah.

Although, I'm not sure today is the day.

The island of Koh Panyee is just half a square mile...

built around one giant rock.

It's an unlikely place to find a famous soccer team.

Malay Muslim fishermen settled here in the 18th century.

And because Thai laws then forbade foreigners to own land,

they had to build their houses on stilts over the water.

There's no flat land to play football here, let alone grass.

But where there's a will, there's a way.

There is the football pitch.

In 1986, a bunch of village kids became inspired by the World Cup

and built themselves a floating pitch out of scrap wood and fishing buoys.

And Panyee FC became one of Thailand's most successful youth football teams.

Today the pitch is more refined.

Mr. Prasit? Hi.

Pru's brought us to meet one of the members of that original team.

-Welcome to Panyee FC. Thank you.

This is the coolest football pitch I've ever seen.

Thank you so much.

Best of all, Mr. Prasit clearly recognizes talent when he sees it.

Thank you very much. So I'm gonna play with these guys?

Yeah. I'm very excited.

This is the highlight of my footballing career.

Daddy is actually a big fan of football. Aren't you?

I am. Do you remember your first game?

England v. Germany. You watched it, cheering on,

then everyone got back into the trenches and carried on with the war.

Great first game.

After my disappointing performance at elephant polo,

I'm hoping to impress my father today.

Okay, let's press.

Although playing on a floating pitch with a hangover

is a little challenging.

Oh, for God's sake!

And here we go again. Does he even know how to be supportive?

God!

Encouragement would be nice, from the sidelines.

That's two, Jack, you've missed.

Yeah, but the goals are quite small, to be fair.

He's done you. He's done you!

Inept doesn't seem to be appropriate for you, Jack.

Look.

-We're losing this game... -Yes.

...and you shouting abuse at me is not helping anyone.

I wasn't shouting abuse. I was giving you constructive criticism.

It's not constructive. It's just criticism.

Okay, I'll do it. Yeah. What are they called

What are they called? It's written on the back of every player.

Right. Come on, Panyee. Come on.

That felt really good, putting my father back in his box.

Yeah, that's how to score them.

He's found another!

They'll build a statue of me.

Although pride still comes before a fall.

Half time. We're two-all,

and my father seems to be getting into his new positive persona.

Right, now, come on.

Jack, you... and you guys, you just have to show a little bit more spirit, and you can win this match big time.

You know they don't speak a word of English?

It doesn't matter.

It's not about the language. It's about the spirit.

Out you go. -Yeah.

Well, it's a totally unique experience having my father on my side.

In fact, I think it's given us all a spring in our step.

You can win this game.

Well done, Jack. Brilliant goal.

A compliment from my father?

It's been worth coming to Thailand, just to hear that.

Hooray! Well done, Panyee. You won!

That's four-two to Panyee FC, and a hat trick from yours truly.

-Well done, Jack. -Thank you.

I've waited a long time to say, "Well done, you're a winner."

And I've waited a long time to hear it.

Yeah, you came good. You were brilliant.

-It was a very, very good game.

That was genuinely one of my favorite bits of the trip so far.

I love playing football. And playing it here with this around you.

-I know. -This is amazing.

My dad finally showed a little bit of encouragement.

It was nice to play well in front of him as well,

because whenever I was at school, I...

Like, he does all that, "He was so shit at everything."

And, I mean, I was.

So it's quite nice to actually have played quite well.

The next day, and we're back in Bangkok,

preparing to leave Thailand for the next leg of our trip.

So we're going to Cambodia, which I'm quite looking forward to,

because it will be a bit of culture.

So... But, I mean, you're enjoying yourself, basically?

Yes, yes. It's nice being with Jack.

How is Jack?

Jack's fine. He's obsessed with a man that we've seen in the hotel.

I think he's called Steven Seagal.

-Yes, that's right.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, apparently.

But who is he? I've never heard of the bloody man.

Look. Round there. Don't make it obvious.

Yeah, it does look like him.

I've got to say hello. I have to meet Steven Seagal.

So what are we doing?

We're waiting for Steven Seagal to leave the hotel.

So how long are we gonna be waiting for?

-For as long as it takes.

Well, till it's dark if we need to be.

-We can't let this opportunity pass us by.

I'm not standing here till it's dark, Jack. Come on.

Hello, Mr. Seagal. Hi, I'm Jack. I'm a big fan of yours.

-Nice to meet you. -Very nice to meet you.

I'm staying in the hotel as well.

Uh-huh.

A huge fan of your work. I'm an actor myself.

-Yeah. And I--

Action actor? -Some action...

Martial arts?

No, not really. More, sort of, sitcoms and things like that.

I see.

And this is my dad. Daddy.

-I'm doing a show with my father.

Uh... I... I... Yeah.

-Daddy, this is Steven Seagal. -Nice to meet you, sir.

Oh, Mr. Seagal. Very, very nice to meet you, sir.

Yes, we're traveling round Southeast Asia for a very serious travelogue.

-Yeah.

What's it like as a place?

Um, Cambodia, you know, it's a beautiful, beautiful country,

but at the same time, there's a lot of lawlessness...

and mafia and different things like that. So... just be careful.

Are there any martial arts moves that you could teach me

that would be useful for me to know if I got into any trouble?

Is there anything? Any martial arts that I could do?

-Yeah, very quick.

-Very fast. -Let's just leave it at that.

-Yeah, sure.

-I know that you're a Zen master. -Uh-huh.

What is the essence of Zen?

Steven Seagal just threw me into a pond.

Has he just gone?

I was just going to shake his hand and thank him for it.

Got it.

"What is the essence of Zen?

To immerse yourself in it."

That's why he threw me in.

He could have just said it.

So, finally, we're on our way to Cambodia.

It's a five-hour drive to the border,

and Pru has come along to see us safely off the premises.

Are you sad to be leaving Thailand?

Um...

I am. I think I've had a great time in Thailand.

And I think also it's been great that over the last couple of weeks,

-I've seen Michael chill out a bit. -Yeah. No, no, I agree.

I have gone a little bit more cazh than I would normally.

And I've rolled my sleeves up. Look. Like that.

I haven't done this for years.

And are you ready for Cambodia?

I'm excited about Cambodia, but I am also quite nervous.

Steven Seagal told us that it was quite a dangerous place.

And he has single-handedly defeated an army of terrorists on a boat.

And then again on a train.

To us, the Thai people, Cambodia is like the Wild West.

And especially the town we are going to, Poipet,

is a bordering town between Thailand and Cambodia,

so you've gotta be watching out for yourselves when you're out there.

It's a bit like going to Norfolk or something like that.

-No. No, it's not.

We'll be crossing into Cambodia at Poipet, where, just across the border,

a strange casino resort town has been created

in what is effectively no-man's-land.

Because gambling is illegal in Thailand,

our Thai vehicle is not allowed into Poipet.

This van is gonna take you safely across the border.

It's been a wonderful time having you in Thailand.

I hope you have a safe trip in Cambodia.

-Pru, let's hug it out. -Thanks, Pru.

-Aw. Thanks, Jack. -Thanks very much. -Take care. -Thanks, Pru.

Thank you.

Say goodbye to Winston.

Bye, Winston. Take good care of your daddies.

In you go, Wins.

-Have a great time in Cambodia. -Thanks, Pru.

-Bye, Pru. Thank you. -Bye.

It's only a short drive to the border,

but for some reason, we're both feeling a bit tense. I get very sketchy whenever I'm crossing a border or any customs.

There's always just at the back of the mind

that somewhere on my person I could have a bit of contraband.

-I'm just gonna tell you this now.

Even though you're my father and I love you.

You'd be better off in a Cambodian prison than me.

With this face, I'll be in trouble. I think you'd get by.

-They'd give you a wide berth. -I think we should just...

I am, to use the technical term, bitchnip.

I'd be someone's wife like that.

I don't know what's happening. Now they seem to be stopping us.

-You have to admit this is quite scary.

I bet this is what they do.

Oh, God.

How... What's going on here? Is that a gun?

What do we do

-Don't know.

Never have I wished we had Steven Seagal with us more.

We're gonna have to cut. We have to stop filming.

After several hours of negotiation,

our crew and equipment are allowed through to Poipet.

But the following morning,

the scenes that greet us in this surreal casino resort are daunting.

For the first time on our trip, we're definitely outside our comfort zone.

Fortunately, a Cambodian guide, with the unusual name of Puppet,

is due to meet us across the border.

-It's quite fragrant. -It is.

It reminds me a bit of...

Do you remember, instead of going to the south of France, we went to Portugal?

When I arrived, I realized what a mistake I'd made.

Careful.

-Yeah.

-We're meant to meet our guide here. Right.

Think that could be us?

There? "Mr. and Mrs. Whithall," yes.

Yeah.

-Come. Yeah, come. Come.

All right. I got 'em.

Come.

Looks like a hit man.

-Yeah.

He's a bit light on the charm, this character. They're meant to do a lot of "Welcome to Cambodia"

and all that sort of stuff.

Jesus. It's like something out of Mad Max.

Just tell him to slow down a bit.

Is it much further?

Come.

Where the hell are we going?

We're heading today to an old French colonial town called Battambang,

seventy miles from Poipet.

Quite intense, that border crossing.

It was.

This feels like now we're doing proper traveling.

Yeah.

Puppet? -Yes.

Can I ask why you're called Puppet?

'Cause I'm quiet. I don't talk to anybody unless they talk to me first.

-Puppet. That's why. -That's the answer.

-That's the answer. -Yeah.

Why do you have the doll?

It's a luk thep doll. It's for good luck on our travels.

It will bring us good luck. It's called Winston.

After Winston Churchill. You know who I mean by Winston Churchill?

Nope.

One of the greatest war leaders of all time.

Puppet, where are we going now?

We're going to the train station first,

then we're taking the train to Battambang.

Is that where they make the cake?

No. -Don't worry about that.

-That's Battenberg. Battenberg. -Right.

It's not the busiest station I've ever seen.

In fact, I'd go out on a limb here

and say this probably isn't one of Cambodia's high-speed rail links.

Thanks.

This is the... the train station.

This is the train station?

Yeah. Now we wait for the bamboo train.

Maybe I'll have a look around, see if they've got a Starbucks.

Be careful. Don't go off the track.

There's still land mines out here.

By the track? -Land mines.

-Yes. Off the track. -Shit.

And is there a timetable for this train?

-Does it-- -No, we just have to wait.

-Don't know.

-Right.

We've been on the road for the best part of 24 hours.

It's 90 degrees,

and my father hasn't changed his clothes in two days.

What he'd give now for a nice, cold sluice.

Looks like we beat the rush hour.