Original subtitles

Are you all right, Winston?

You're with Daddy now.

With your two daddies. There's one daddy and two daddies here.

Would you like a tickle?

Oh, it's so creepy.

Good boy.

The Thai capital, Bangkok, and it's a pretty cool city.

But having been here a few days now, it's become clear

that my father and I don't exactly share the same vision

for this gap year trip.

Fortunately, Pru, a Bangkok local, has agreed to be our guide.

I'm told Thai religion is all about peace and tolerance.

So right up my father's street.

Not.

So, Michael, I understand that you're interested in Buddhism,

so I'd like to take you to a temple and it has a fantastic garden.

-Yeah, I love gardens, temples... -Very green-fingered.

-Good on temples. -Yeah.

And I've also arranged for you guys to meet a monk there as well,

-and his name is Pandit. Right. Father Pandit.

So this monk a friend of yours? Do you know him, or...

I don't know him personally, because as a woman in Thailand,

I'm not allowed to have a close relationship with a monk.

-Oh, I'm sure. -Close relationship, like...

As in, I'm not allowed to touch him, for example.

-He's not allowed to touch me, either.

So it must be limiting, if you were having a relationship with a monk,

to get anything going in the way of foreplay or anything like that.

I don't think you're allowed to have a relationship if you're a monk.

-No.

There was a monk at my old school who was quite interested in me,

but that's another story for another program.

-Anyway, he does speak English. Oh, right. That's good.

Is he one of the ones that you can, um, kick in between the legs

and he doesn't feel it?

-Um, maybe it's a different kind of monk. -Because of their... They're so zen.

If you kick them, they don't feel any pain.

Maybe... maybe you could try?

I'd check it out before you do the kick.

-Yes.

Otherwise, that could be the end of our day's filming.

Turns out it's not so much the temple that's interesting here

as the temple garden.

Complete with some of the biggest gnomes I've ever seen.

-Yeah, so these are all Chinese gods.

Like Telly Savalas, that one. Look.

Telly Savalas? -Yeah, Kojak.

-Why would there be-- -Oh, I don't know. Maybe...

So, you came here as a kid?

I did come here as a kid, when I was about seven or eight years old.

So this, I presume, is our monk. But he doesn't look all that local.

This is Pandit, and the way you greet him is to do a little wai.

-Okay. Come into the shade. And, uh, Pandit...

Pru was right. His English is pretty good.

And there's a very good reason for that.

You're obviously from England. What part of England do you come from?

So I'm from Cheshire.

-Oh, right. -Yes.

In the northwest of England. -Yes, absolutely.

And I don't speak posh Southern, but I think we can...

Yeah. -...we can understand each other.

When did you become a monk, Pandit?

-I've been a monk 20 years. Yeah.

Can I ask you about some etiquette with monks,

'cause we've been told not to touch you.

No, I wasn't going to.

But I meant that, like, we'd been warned that if we wanted... needed to, or...

Do what you like. I'm very informal, so...

And when we walk, we should walk behind you.

Usually if you're walking together, you would let the monk walk

-half a step in advance. -Sure.

So you're gonna show us around and tell us a little bit about the park?

-Sure.

-Come. It's okay.

We'll go here.

I'm on this side 'cause I hear better.

You're on that side, and then we shouldn't...

-You shouldn't go in front of... -No, no, it's...

-Just, like... Just a slight half-step. Just stay there. Okay.

Actually, the father should walk in front of the son,

-but it doesn't matter. I would agree with that.

Right, Jack, you get in there behind me.

I'd seen you in Fresh Meat, the TV series.

-I've seen Fresh Meat, yes.

How do you watch that?

-We can get that in Thailand.

It probably would be if they spoke English.

I'm honored.

So when they said we were meeting a monk, I definitely wasn't expecting Pandit.

A guy from Manchester.

I don't know if there's an exchange going on,

where in Salford there's some Thai vicar.

So Pandit is no ordinary monk, but then this is no ordinary garden.

Welcome to hell.

It's so weird.

It's weird. What's the deal with this?

So these guys have been reborn as hungry ghosts,

and their tongue symbolizes that they've lived their life of greed.

So what would get you to hell?

Drinking too much alcohol.

-Telling lies.

Ooh! Straight down.

And so, if you do those things, this is what will happen.

Yes. The deeds that you do do not go unseen.

They will follow you afterwards.

You could call it karma, you could call it just desserts.

What it means is that you don't get away with anything in the end.

As a former theatrical agent,

I think my father's looking rather worried about what happens to liars and thieves.

Is there a punishment for what happens

if you send your child away to boarding school at eight?

-I think there must be. -Discarding their child.

This one I think actually is... I recognize this.

That guy there sent his kid off to boarding school at eight,

and that's what happens.

I did actually think this was gonna be quite a lame day.

Turns out this place is amazing.

It's like London Dungeons crossed with Disneyland...

crossed with... I mean, whatever that is.

What's even more bizarre

is that this place seems to be a fun day out for the whole family.

A chance for children to enjoy some blood and guts.

And a way for parents to show them just what could happen if they don't behave.

This is gonna be a bit of a wake-up call for you.

If you don't mend your ways, you're gonna end up like that bloke

being buggered by a man with a spear.

-And don't walk in front of me. -I...

Well, hopefully that's ticked religion off my father's list.

But with so much of this city still to see,

I fear it's going to be increasingly difficult

to prize him away from the manicured comfort of our hotel.

And the more of a boring old fogey he becomes,

the more of a teenager I seem to become.

Ugh.

-I'm bored.

Can we go do something? There's so much to do in Bangkok.

I'd love to go out partying with you, but I've got a book to write.

I just don't have the time. I've just got to get on with this now.

-I'm doing well. I'm writing a book.

-Nothing. It's a book I'm writing.

Autobiography.

-Hmm.

"

Who'd want... -You don't need a "why."

-Yes, I do. There is a "why." -Autobiography.

Who's gonna be in a bookshop browsing for autobiographies and go,

"Ooh, I wonder whose I should get. Hmm. Obama's, David Beckham's...

Ooh! Or I could get this one, which is an autobiography

of the former chairman of the Putney Common Association."

I wasn't the chairman of the Putney Common Association.

I was the deputy chairman.

-Edward Mullins was the chairman. -Okay, sorry.

What's this bit about?

This bit's about Hitler. This particular thing.

-Yeah.

-No.

Just the influence that Hitler had on me when I was a young... when I was a child.

You're writing a book about Hitler influencing you?

No, I'm not writing a book about Hitler, but he had a lot to do with my growing up.

-I was born in 1940.

I was not in the Hitler Youth.

Well, you stay here and you write your book.

I'm gonna go out, see a bit of Bangkok.

Maybe hang out with a bit of a younger crowd for the day.

Fine. Okay, I'll see you later.

-See you later, Herr Whitehall. -Yeah.

I just wanna do something active.

I just wanna hang out with some younger people.

You'll get your wish today, don't worry.

She's coming down.

When I said, um, a younger crowd, I didn't mean quite this young.

-Yeah.

-Jack, I'd like you to meet Team Farang. -Hello.

This is, uh, Pasha, Sasha... and, uh, Anan.

How's it going? Anan. -Yeah, good. Nice stuff.

-Pasha, nice to meet you. -I can do very similar things.

Oh. -But I don't need the trampoline.

-That's impressive, yeah. -Yeah, pretty good.

So, what is this?

Uh, well, this is a trampoline park, but, uh, what we do is called freerunning.

Parkour? Know all about it.

Yeah, done a bit myself.

Are you gonna show me a few tricks?

-Sure, if you wanna get into-- -It'll be more of a sharing process.

-Of course, but, yeah. -Me showing you,

-you showing me... everything. -You can give me some tips.

Absolutely everything. Let's do this. Parkour, baby.

That's French for "jumping."

Yeah, yeah. Almost. You gonna climb up?

Yeah.

Need a hand? Yeah, got it.

-Nice. -Parkour.

Graceful. No, it's good.

Pasha, you wanna show some slightly more difficult tricks?

-He's just showing off now.

This guy, bit of a jackass, I think.

He tries.

He's a trier. Bounce off.

Good old-fashioned bounce battle, mate.

God save the Queen.

Winston Churchill.

Priest.

Running man.

-Ah! -Think that round goes to Pasha, Jack.

Keep his confidence up. Fair enough.

-Oh, hello. -Oh, hello.

-Yeah.

Uh, well, I'm here. Let's put it that way.

-But, yeah... I mean, yeah, Jack's fine.

And you've been all right, have you? You've been out and about?

-I've been out for dinner last night. Who with?

-Nigel.

-Yeah. Asked if I'd like to go for dinner. -Oh, cheers. Yeah, I bet he did.

-Sends his love. -Yeah, I bet he did.

Has he been-- -He's gone out on some sort of jaunt.

Freebasing or something like that.

-Something to do with-- -Freebasing is to do with drugs.

-So I hope it's not freebasing. -Oh, you never know with Jack.

But he said something about climbing walls or something.

-Freerunning, not freebasing.

-Yes, that's right. -Well, that's put my mind at rest.

So, we've been limbering up on the trampolines.

Now it's time to hit the streets.

We're gonna be freerunning up a 42-story derelict building.

Easy. I could piss 42 stories.

The financial crash hit Southeast Asia in 1997,

leaving more than 100 unfinished high-rise developments in Bangkok alone,

attracting adrenaline junkies like Team Farang from all over the world.

It seemed like such a good idea in the gym.

And this is probably gonna be the most unique way to view the city

that you're not gonna see in any traditional travel guides.

And, uh, this is the way freerunners look at Bangkok.

-If you're ready, let's head up. -Yeah, let's freerun. Let's do this.

-See you later, Pru.

Where are we headed? Make a right up ahead.

Keep moving. Keep moving.

Well, it's quite dark.

Oh, for fuck... Seven?

Come on! Coming!

This way, Jack.

Come on.

Yeah. Fuck that. I'll come round. I'll meet you round there.

It's derelict.

You are gonna have to do some of the things he wants to do as well.

Yeah, I know. I mean... I'm going to do my best.

Let's put it that way.

It's quite exhausting. I mean, to be honest.

-Right. -I know it's early days, but--

But you did say you'd do it, so I hope you're doing it with good grace.

-No, I am. -To be honest,

this could be the last chance you get to do traveling like this.

-Oh, charming. -Just embrace it.

Fine. I am embracing it. I am.

Such bullshit.

Forty

-Hey. There he is.

Hey, team.

-No.

I know that was quite a slow ascent,

and I don't wanna point any fingers at any one member of the group,

but I do think Pasha held us back a bit.

Maybe you wanna just have a word in his ears.

-Yeah.

We're gonna head up to the top now if you wanna get up.

Take it at your own pace. Your own pace.

Let's do it.

Gotta look after the weakest member of the group.

And tonight I'm going out for a curry with Fiona,

-because you're not here. -Oh, rather dodged a bullet there, then.

I'm doing two things that you would not want to do.

-No. Okay. I'll talk to you soon. -Okay. We'll speak soon. Love you.

-Love you. -And love to Jack.

-Thanks. Bye. -Bye.

Oh, how the fuck do I turn this fucking thing off?

I'm coming, guys!

Come on.

I mean, I'm not gonna get my leg onto that, am I?

-Come on, man. You're so close. -No.

-Come on. You're missing the sunset. -I'll take your word for it.

This is my limit. I'm not going any higher.

I'm happy here. Perfectly happy here.

We did it, guys.

-They're taking fucking selfies.

I'm still here, you know.

Well, how do you turn this thing off?

-I keep pressing-- -You press the red button.

There is no red button. There's a green button which says "phone."

Oh, God. Don't make a call like this again without Jack being there. You're so inept.

Good to come down whenever you are.

We're due to leave Bangkok this afternoon.

But before we do, we ventured into the outer suburbs of the city.

We're here to collect a special present Pru has ordered for us.

Something she believes may help us bond better

and keep us safe on our travels.

Shoes.

Ridiculous.

I'm getting an uneasy sense that this is not your average gift shop.

Right.

-Hello.

Hello. Hello.

This is Ms. Mananya.

And, Ms. Mananya, this is Michael and Jack.

This is Petch. This is her son.

-Oh, nice. -Oh.

-Very nice. -Great.

These dolls are called luk thep dolls,

and they've been around for thousands of years.

And, traditionally, they were created with baby fetuses inside.

It had an actual fetus inside the baby?

Yes. But now they've modernized it

and made it a little more palatable for the modern people.

-Oh, right. -The belief behind it

is that if you take care of them well, they'll also take care of you.

People look after these dolls like their actual children?

Yes. I really want you guys to have a doll of your own.

You know, going to several countries, and I think having a doll with you

will be a symbol of good luck and of good fortune for your travels.

So while the latest addition to the Whitehall family

is being immaculately conceived,

we sit patiently in the luk thep waiting room.

Bearing in mind these are made to order,

why would you pick one with that expression?

Well, I guess she gets it wrong occasionally.

She probably has a sale once a year, and puts the ugly ones in the sale.

There's one up there that looks like Michael McIntyre.

That top, five in.

I think it'll be a good opportunity for you, having this doll.

A second chance to... to nail fatherhood.

Having cocked it up the first time around.

It's a chance to be a lot more affectionate

and caring and loving to your child.

When she hands it to you,

try not to send it to boarding school this time.

-I've been thinking about that.

I mean, I called you Jack 'cause my father was called Jack,

but I've always regretted not sticking to plan A...

which was to call you Winston.

-Mmm-hmm.

-Yeah.

It had a ring to it.

-Oh.

Oh, Winston.

And the moment you've been waiting for. This is your luk thep doll.

-Hello. -Meet your two new daddies.

Daddy and Grandpa. Not "daddies." Not a couple.

I just didn't want to confuse him.

Do you wanna have first dibs, as they say?

Gonna look after it. -Hello, Winston.

Daddy's here.

Right. That's the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

-Don't. Please don't creep him out.

Do you want to hold him? Don't do the voice. Just hold him.

No pooing.

There's a good boy.

-Right, Winnie, off we go.

-Thank you. Out we go.

-Thank you. Come with Grandpa.

It's time to leave our luxury hotel and head down south.

But to keep my father cheerful,

we're stopping off at the site of a World War II atrocity.

The bridge on the River Kwai.

I can't wait.

I'm good to go.

We're going on the Orient-Express.

You can't go on dressed like that. You look like a clown.

You told me to dress up smart, so I put on some trousers.

-Those aren't trousers. -Yes, they are.

Absolutely unacceptable. I'll have to lend you something.

The Eastern and Oriental Express.

Yeah, I'm really slumming it on this gap year.

-We look ridiculous.

We look like a vaudeville act.

No, we don't. We look very smart.

-Except those plimsolls wreck a lot. -Trainers.

You look like Paul McCartney or someone like that.

Oh, and here's some more real Thai culture to enjoy.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

This train goes all the way to Singapore via Malaysia.

Our luggage has been loaded for us.

Welcome aboard, sir.

-This way, sir. Oh, thank you so much.

And, of course, the service is immaculate.

This is your compartment.

But considering we're in the presidential cabin,

it's a little snug.

No, it's good. -I don't understand.

You won't go in a hostel, but you're happy with this.

I mean, this is definitely the same.

No, it's nothing like it. But why is, um...

Why is this backpack on my bed?

Why is that your bed? -Well, 'cause it's by the window.

I don't wanna be stuck over in that corner.

-'Cause I can look out of the window.

-But we're gonna be here at night. -See the countryside going past.

Doesn't matter. There's not gonna be any views.

-Well-- -It's gonna be shut at night.

-All right. Okay.

And they're exactly the same.

Excuse me, gentlemen. This is your bathroom.

We have liquor over there, okay?

-And ice bucket over there. Lovely.

I'm your steward.

If you have any problem,

you're going to call me, and you can press and call over there.

Thank you so much, Stewart.

Very nice to meet you. What a nice man.

-"Stewart." Steward. -He said he was Stewart.

He said "steward," not Stewart. Did he look like a Stewart?

You thought he was called Stewart?

Sorry. I mean, I... How would I know?

Stewart.

All very luxurious,

but I feel like a prisoner in a gilded cage.

We've flown 6,000 miles to end up in a gentleman's club on rails.

And, of course, my father is in his element.

This does feel like a lot of effort just to go and see a bridge.

What does it do? What happens when you get there

It doesn't do anything, no. You just go and look at it.

-Okay. -And it's a very famous film, too.

-I know the film. -With Alec Guinness,

who was a friend of mine. He was a member of the Garrick.

Sir Alec and I... Well, Alec, as I knew him...

With cucumber salad. Thank you very much.

-Enjoy your dinner. -Thank you.

And, I mean, he'd know all about bridge on the River Kwai.

People over here talk about Bridge on the River Kwai, the film,

as probably the best film that has ever been made in Thailand.

What about The Hangover Part II?

-No, I haven't seen it.

I mean, that is just...

-Yeah. Three guys.

So you think that would be talked of in Thailand

in the same breath as The Bridge on the River Kwai, do you?

Yeah, probably.

You haven't dropped food down on the suit, have you?

It's fine.

Oh, God. -It's fine. It's just a tiny--

Why didn't you use your napkin?

Because it fell off onto the floor, 'cause we're on a bumpy train.

-Dad, it's not very much.

-It's not that-- -God. I'm so annoyed with you.

I brought two suits with me for the whole of this trip.

-Don't rub it. -I'm not.

-You'll just rub it in even more. -I'm just dabbing it, Dad.

Thank you.

Well, this has been a fun evening.

And I don't think it's gonna get much better.

Have you got no pajamas with you?

No. I don't wear pajamas, 'cause I'm not an old man.

Well, you're not gonna sleep with nothing on, I hope.

No, I'm not sleeping...

-So gross. -Thanks for the shirt.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh. That's one for the incinerator.

Right.

I get quite farty in the night, by the way.

-I know you do. I know. -So I'll try and...

-I'll try and cock my ass that way. -Ugh.

What I don't want is all that screaming in the middle of the night

when you have wet dreams and all that stuff.

Wet dreams? -It's so gross. -Yes, you know, when you scream out. -It's not wet...

-That's called... That's a night terror. -Yes, exactly right.

-It's very different to a wet dream. -Right. Okay.

I'm not gonna have a wet dream in a shared two-man cabin with my own father.

This is definitely not the threesome

most backpackers would fantasize about on a gap year.

You need to turn the light off.

-No, you turn the light off. -No, you were the last in.

-No. Sorry. -You have to turn the light off.

I'm not getting out of this bed now I'm in it.

-But you-- -I am not getting out of it.

-No-- -I'm in it now.

Fine, I'll do it.

Such bad chafe.

Oh, please. I don't want to know about your chafe.

I think if we do this again, I'm gonna have a single cabin.

Night, night, Daddy. Love you.

Fuck off.

Good sleep?

Um, so-so, I would say. So-so to appalling.

I had a terrible dream in the middle of the night.

I dreamt that somebody's ass was right in my face,

and then I woke up and yours was.

I think today may be a bridge too far for me,

but I'll do my best to take an interest.

Oh, look, there's the tour guide. We can go get a tour over there.

No, we don't need a tour guide.

All tour guides do is pick your pocket,

and they have no information about anything.

I've got it all up here.

Aided a little bit by this brochure. You do not need a tour guide.

-Okay. -So...

-The bridge was built in nineteen forty...

two.

-No, three.

-I have no idea how long it is.

Why would you be interested in how long it was?

That's what I wanted to know.

-I look at it and I'm thinking--

Because I want to know its length.

-That's a perfectly normal question to-- -It's probably in here. How long it is.

-It's a most ludicrous question. -No, I wanna know its length.

Four hundred meters. You're making it up.

So here it is.

We could be standing virtually where David Lean stood saying "action."

It looks like Putney Bridge.

Well, I mean all bridges look like other bridges.

It's nothing to do with that.

-It's about the history.

-Tower Bridge, exactly. -That looks different. It's got two bits.

Yeah, okay.

-But we're not talking about bridges. -Millennium Bridge.

We're talking about the fact that this is history.

This is the bridge on the River Kwai,

one of the most famous bridges in the world,

because of what happened in 1942 and the people that died building it.

For once, my father may have a point.

They say that more than 100,000 people died building this railway,

13,000 of whom were prisoners of war.

So, what do you think?

Well, my first reaction was that it was gonna be pretty underwhelming.

-And physically it is,

but when you think about the history of it and the story behind it,

-then it's pretty sobering. -Yeah. It is.

297 meters is the length of the bridge, just so you know.

You've seen the bridge. -I'm just saying.

You've seen the bridge on the River Kwai.

You'll be asking me what width it was next.

Ten meters.

And you do know the film Bridge Over the River Kwai...

-...was made in Sri Lanka.

All of that...

"We could be standing here

where David Lean shouted 'action.'"

-That's you. That's how you sound.

Don't be ridiculous. I don't speak like that.

You do. And the point is that's not where David Lean was,

-because he was in a different country. -Oh, God.

The thing that really annoys me about Jack is he's so pedantic.

"Oh, you got the length wrong," and all that.

These things don't matter. We're not interested in the fucking width.

We're interested in the fact that we've seen

one of the greatest bridges in the world,

and where one of the greatest films ever made was made,

or possibly not made.

Thank God we're now heading to the beach,

so Dad can really chill out.