Original subtitles

Excuse me!

-Mind that bus!

-Straight here. -Shit.

No, you've gone the wrong way. This is a one-way street.

Left here! We're going up a one-way street the wrong way.

-Jack! Careful here. Look.

-Oh, fuck!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage, Jack Whitehall!

I'd never really had the chance to have a gap year,

'cause I started doing stand-up when I was about 17.

So all my friends went off on gap years, and I didn't.

I'm 28 years old. I had a dinner party the other night.

Now, finally, I've got this window in my diary where I can have a gap year,

and I thought it would be funny to take my father with me.

Why not?

I think we're gonna find out exactly why not. I am not a keen traveler.

A trip over Putney Bridge is quite an excursion for me.

But he seemed very keen to have me,

so I said, "All right, let's give it a whirl."

To be quite honest, I thought it would never happen.

I think it's an amazing opportunity.

He's the least-traveled person ever, and he hates being away from home.

And slumming it. The idea of Michael Whitehall slumming it.

We're gonna be staying in hostels.

It's a gap year. I want it to be an authentic gap year experience.

I'm gonna take my Garrick Club tie,

just in case we go and see anyone decent there,

like an ambassador or something.

Oh! Somebody's put shorts in here.

Absolutely no way.

He is very bad with foreign food.

That sentence also works if you take out the word "food"

and replace it with pretty much anything.

People.

I'm not going to any beaches.

-Well, you might be on a beach. -Well, if I'm--

You're not gonna wear those on a beach, are you?

-Just put... They're very light. -No, this is...

And they're very small. Just put them...

-I could wear these on a beach.

-I'm not wearing those shorts. -Look, I...

Mrs. Whitehall, I think, is really looking forward to it,

because she's gonna have five weeks of the house empty of me.

Michael... He's gonna kill me for saying this.

But he's nearly 77, and I've always said to him,

"You've gotta embrace the new. Don't get stuck in a rut."

Well, this is a major embrace going on here.

Watch me. For most of this trip,

I will be like the Queen when she stood next to Prince Philip

during one of those royal tours of Africa.

I must be out of my mind.

What the fuck am I doing, going to Thailand?

We're cramming our gap year into just five weeks,

and hitting the classic destinations:

Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand.

Starting in the capital, Bangkok.

And what an eye-watering metropolis this city turns out to be.

Whoo! The gap year has begun!

Hey!

This is so great, isn't it?

What do you think?

Just trying to concentrate on not falling out of this fucking thing.

Oh, it's not that much further.

I thought we were staying in a five-star hotel, you said.

No, I said it had five stars. -You said five stars. Yes.

But that was all of the reviews added up.

I've booked us a hotel just off the legendary Khao San Road.

The most stressful thing in my life, that was.

What?

An area famously described as the center of the backpacking universe.

-This way. -You'd better lead on.

Yes, okay.

This will be a baptism by fire for my father.

Ugh! No, thank you.

You don't get those on the deli counter at Waitrose!

That's not what I'm looking for at all.

Sensory overload, isn't it?

You can definitely say that again.

I thought you said we were staying in a hotel. This is the hotel. It's a hostel.

I plan to head off any illusions of luxury right from the start.

Uh, Whitehall.

-Yeah.

It's 250 a bed. You two bed. It's 500.

-Yeah. Thank you. -Thank you.

Can I be very honest? First impressions are not good, all right?

It's only £1 more.

No, I don't think I'll be here for breakfast.

Oh!

-Just like being back at boarding school. -Hmm. Maybe for you.

Oh, my God!

-Hey. Hey.

Hi.

Uh, I'm Jack. This is my father, Michael.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Michael! Daddy! Daddy!

No way. -Look, Daddy...

Hello.

We're not staying here.

-And I'd like the Daily Telegraph. Certainly.

-We're not staying here. -We are. I fixed papers and everything.

-No, I'm not...

I'm not staying here. It's fine. Thank you.

-We can't stay here. This isn't--

'Cause this isn't... This is not authentic.

What was wrong with that last place? It was nice.

It was a shithole, that place. A total shithole.

-Mr. Whitehall,

-here your room number, 754. -Thank you so much.

-You're in junior suite room. -That's very nice. Thank you very much.

And we have two outdoor swimming pool, a lovely garden,

and as well barber shop, spa and a gym.

-Very nice. Thank you so much. -Welcome.

Well, maybe I could... maybe I could stay here for one night,

and then...

Do you have any other, um, rooms?

-Yeah.

Same size room?

Well, they do say pick your battles.

But dinner here at the Sirocco

is definitely not how I imagined my first night backpacking in Bangkok.

-This is one night. -Yeah.

I'll give you this. Tomorrow, slumming it.

-Oh, now, don't be ridiculous. -No. Street food.

What is street food?

Street food. Food that you have on the side of the street.

This is part of Thai culture, and it's something you'll have to embrace.

You can have your champagne tonight,

but tomorrow you're gonna be drinking from the bucket.

From the what?

You drink from buckets over here. It's a thing.

Oh, I think that's very unlikely.

-Let's try and start on a positive note. -Okay.

What are you looking forward to most about this?

-Yeah.

Well, if I'm gonna be absolutely honest with you,

-which I want to be all the time... -Be honest.

...we're here together,

it's when those wheels come down at Heathrow Airport after we've done this.

That's the thing you're looking forward to most?

-Yeah. -There must be something.

Like, what about historical things? There must be some history stuff out here.

I'd quite like to go and see the bridge on the River Kwai.

-Good. -And the film, of course, was made there.

Is there anything else?

Well, as you know, I went to a school run by Benedictine monks up in Yorkshire.

So one of those monasteries with the monks.

Well, that's good. We'll definitely probably tick that off.

-Yeah. -I mean, the way I see it,

it's mainly gonna be beach parties, you know, going out, getting lashed,

and if you go with it, then I'll give you the odd cheeky temple along the way. What, you think I'm going to go to a beach party and get lashed?

-No, but you're gonna--

-No, like, Apocalashed.

No, no, no.

There must be something nice you're looking forward to on this.

Well, I'm looking forward to us bonding a bit together,

'cause you went to boarding school and we never really had a chance to--

And you're making that sound like it was my decision.

-Like I wanted to go away at eight. -No, no, no.

I know you went away at eight.

-I left it a bit late. -And that was a mistake.

-No, no, I just left it a bit late.

-I should've sent you...

Six? -Six, seven. Yes.

That's when you really needed to go away, but I hung on till you were eight.

I would've had a nanny till I was six,

-Yes. But it's one of those--

How is that... That's not even parenting.

Is this the longest you will ever have been away from Mummy?

Yeah. I think it probably is. Four, five weeks.

Will you miss her?

Um...

-You can't make that noise.

You have to just go, "Yes."

No, no, I will miss her. And I think she'll probably miss me.

But I'm gonna keep in touch with her on that sky box, is it called?

Sky box?

You know, where you go to keep in touch with people.

-Yes.

I may have to sometimes catch up with her on the... Skype.

As long as catching up is all you're doing on Skype.

Of course. I mean, if things get really bad,

I may have to have one off the wrist a couple of times,

but that's not being unfaithful, is it?

-No. -No.

Please can you just promise me

that you'll try to throw yourself into this a bit?

Yes, I will. I promise I will.

-Try to embrace Southeast Asian culture. -Yes. I want to do that.

'Cause otherwise this isn't gonna work.

There's no point in coming here if I wasn't going to embrace it.

-Yes. Lovely.

For you, sir?

-Certainly, sir.

-Preferably Welsh lamb, if you have it.

Just medium would be lovely.

-Thank you for your order. -Thank you so much.

Sweet girl.

-Look, I couldn't eat any of that stuff.

Foreign food and me. I'm amazed they have Welsh lamb.

I want my father to experience real Thai culture,

whether he likes it or not.

So we've arranged to meet up with a guide in the hotel.

Maybe in a couple hours?

Pru is a Bangkok local, and has offered to show us around.

Um, I told my dad to meet us in the lobby,

so he'll probably be the only guy wearing a suit.

Okay.

Is it the gentleman at the bar?

Well, there you go. Cheers.

-Yeah, I'll just go grab him. -Okay.

Of course, when it comes to Michael Whitehall,

even the most simple of plans tend to go awry.

I'm obviously gonna enjoy myself...

Daddy -...while I'm out here.

Okay.

Oh, finally, you've shown up. Hey.

-Can I just... Can we just...

A really nice girl. Sweet.

-That's our guide.

No.

You said the guide we were meeting in the foyer.

That's our guide, Pru.

All right. Well, she said she was gonna show us a good time and stuff. No?

Not our guide. That's our guide.

-Right. So--

No, probably not. Okay, come on. Let's go.

What? It seemed like you were getting on quite well.

I think we'll leave that.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Pru.

Sorry, I got a little confused.

Michael was just getting to know, yeah, some of the locals.

-Yeah.

-Yes, fine. Let's go. -Yeah, sure. Unless you wanna...

I think they have rooms here if you wanted to...

It's a simple mistake.

-You seemed to be getting on quite well. -Well, she seemed a very nice girl.

Quite big hands.

Like my father's new friend, I suspect Bangkok has hidden treasures.

And I'm hoping that Pru will show us some of the more unusual sights

in this enormous and eclectic city.

So you've seen Bangkok. It's a very modern place.

But if you scratch that surface, we're all very, very superstitious.

And today, I'd like to take you to a very interesting shrine,

and tell you all about the legend of Chuchok.

So who is Chuchok?

So the legend has it that he was a very old man,

and he married a young and beautiful woman and came across a very good fortune.

Ah.

And why in particular did you think this story

about a dirty old man marrying a younger woman was--

-I don't think she said "dirty old man."

-I thought I heard it. -She just said "old man."

Me and your mother? -You have a younger wife.

Yes, a younger wife. She's... There's, like, 20 years age gap.

You're the old man who got lucky and found a younger wife.

You guys wanted to see some temples and shrines,

and every home in Thailand has a... you know, a shrine.

Well, I did ask Pru not to take us to the usual tourist traps,

and it looks like she's delivered.

It's quite off the beaten track.

My father's been briefed.

This is a place of worship, and our bywords are deference and respect.

Welcome to the shrine of Chuchok.

Well, it's not exactly the Vatican, is it?

It's more like Poundland.

Before we go in, let's take off our shoes.

-Sorry. -I'm not sorry.

-That's okay. -I'll leave that if I may.

-It's not an option. -No, honestly,

-I can't-- -No, you're not--

These are not shoes. These are slippers.

-They're not. They're shoes. -They are.

You're not allowed to wear shoes in a shrine.

-I have to wear these, 'cause I get gout.

-Yes. You know I get gout. -I'm well aware you get gout--

Well, I don't want gout spread all over all this shrine setup.

Gout is not contagious.

-It can be. -It can't.

-You can pick up gout off the floor. -Shoes off.

You can't. You're not coming in wearing those shoes.

Well, I'm only doing this for you.

And I'm only doing it once.

Here we are.

What's going on here, then?

I think he's praying to the Chuchok gods.

He received some luck recently.

So you pray to the statue and you get good luck?

-Mmm-hmm.

He won the lottery.

-Wow. Amazing. What are you doing?

-Oh, Jack, don't be ridiculous. He won the lottery.

-It was just a coincidence, obviously. -It wasn't a coincidence.

Who on earth is this?

That's Mollie Sugden, isn't it?

She says her name is Gung, and welcome to Thailand.

-Very nice. Thank you. -Very nice to meet you.

You have a lovely shrine.

She says it's the most famous place in Thailand and in the world.

Right.

So Chuchok is famous for having taken a young wife?

She says, "Yeah, if you wanna ask for a young wife,

he would be able to grant it for you, and this a part of Buddhism beliefs."

Could you say to her that I have a young wife, uh,

but she's not as young as she was.

And she's not quite as good as she used to be in terms...

Well, the obvious way, but also window cleaning,

carrying heavy suitcases, that sort of stuff.

I'll tell her that you already have a young wife.

-Yeah, but I wouldn't mind... -Yeah, that would be best.

-...possibly having another one.

Moving swiftly on,

Gung's world-famous Chuchok collection is only a sideline.

Apparently, her main business takes place upstairs.

So it's a shrine and a beauty therapy as well?

It's a noninvasive way of beautifying yourself.

Mmm. Shrine and spa?

Mmm-hmm.

Nice.

And so, this helps how?

It's a world-famous face-slapping technique

that helps lift your face.

And how long have you been a slapper?

Uh, 32 years.

-So now an old slapper, then.

Is it only faces, or does she do whole

-She'll slap you everywhere you want. -All right.

She's asking if you'd be interested in this procedure.

-Yes. Go on, Jack.

I don't know what that is in Thai, but I didn't like the sound of it.

-She's gonna give you a special treatment. -Okay.

-Just relax.

-Relax. -I don't feel awfully relaxed. Okay.

Thank you. Just ease yourself in.

Oh, Jesus!

-Yes, that's good.

I'd bet she doesn't get much repeat business on this, would you?

It's amazing to think that this isn't practiced more widely.

Oh!

That was good. -Good.

This is more of a sport than a beauty treatment, isn't it?

Dislocated?

She's just elongated your neck.

I'm actually... I feel so relaxed now,

I wouldn't wanna ruin it by overdoing it and feeling, you know...

Oh, God. Oh! Jesus. Okay. Oh!

Do you feel your shoulders broadening I look a bit like I've had a stroke.

Are you happy? -Yeah. Maybe my father would like some treatment.

-Oh, no. Thank you so much.

-No. No. No. -No, Daddy. No, Daddy.

-Definitely not. No, Daddy.

-No! Release me! -Daddy, come on. -No! No! No!

-She wants to give you a little slap. -No! No!

-Daddy! You've got to. -No!

You've gotta try it. It actually feels a lot better than it looks.

-Daddy.

So that was an interesting day,

but not one that has encouraged my father to integrate into local life.

However, tonight, it's my turn to choose the dinner venue.

How's that beer going down?

I'm not over impressed with the glassware here, I have to say.

And I thought this might be a good moment

to enlighten my father about his friend from the hotel bar.

Fittingly, over a hot dish which may contain nuts.

So you know, obviously, culturally here it is quite different.

Yes, I would agree with that.

A big part of Thai culture is ladyboys, who are kind of widely accepted,

-and you might see some on the street. -Yes.

Is it a man who's a woman or a woman who's a man?

-It's a man who has become a woman. -Oh, right.

-No, that's a drag act.

Oh, right. These are drag acts that have had an operation?

I don't... To be honest, I'm now a bit out of my depth.

Right.

Of course, your tolerance to ladyboys is pretty high because,

you know, in another world that could've been you.

As a baby, your mother used to dress you up as a little girl, didn't she?

No, that was only when I was very small.

Well, it stopped when you were what? Like, 16, 17?

No, it stopped when I was about six or nine months old.

If the underlying theme of this trip of ours

is that you're hoping at the end that I'm gonna have a sex change,

I'd rule that out straight away, 'cause it's not gonna happen.

-It would be an amazing story, though. -Yes, it would.

-Right, here you are, Jack.

Pork, pork. Pork? This is intestine.

Well, the good thing is, if you really enjoy that,

you're not gonna need to order seconds, because there's seconds over here for you.

You're not gonna...

Not in a million years could I get involved with any of that.

Why? You could just work your way through this side salad.

I don't know.

It looks as though he's ripped that off a tree somewhere.

Have you got money to cover this, or do you want me to do it?

-No, definitely not.

Maybe we should just do a runner. 'Cause, I mean, I haven't eaten mine.

-If I go first, you follow me-- -You've never run in your life.

No, no, I don't mean literally run. Just...

-I will get up and quietly walk out.

The bill? Bill?

Uh, the check?

The check for the bill, for the meal?

Pay?

-Pay.

Pay for the meal, please? Thank you. For the... If we...

Oh. -Yes.

So impressive, Jack. As a world traveler, you just, you know, are amazing.

This morning, Pru has found us a uniquely Thai experience.

One that she hopes will appeal to both of us.

So I've brought Jack and Michael here today

to see a really cool sporting event called the elephant polo.

This event is for the high society people in Thailand,

and in short we call them Hi-So people.

It's comparable to the Royal Ascot in the UK.

So this would seem to be the perfect event for Michael Whitehall,

the very embodiment of English refinement and class.

Fuck off!

Why do you hate clowns so much? -I've always hated clowns.

I'm really pleased that at last we're seeing the real Thailand.

Beautiful clothes, cocktails. This is my world.

It's a somewhat surreal occasion,

laid on every year to raise money for elephant welfare.

So revered is Thailand's national animal, that this sumptuous breakfast

has not been prepared for us two-legged guests.

I'll tell you who that one reminds me of, is... You know your grandmother?

You're happy on camera saying that your mother-in-law

looks like a massive elephant?

Yeah, she's a... Well, she's a large woman.

But she loves a big buffet, doesn't she?

-She'd have this whole table clear. -Yeah.

Like this slightly bigger one here.

-Oh!

Please.

I wouldn't eat that all in one go. You'll give yourself indigestion, love.

These creatures are extraordinary.

But I'm not just here to watch or feed the elephants.

Pru has arranged for me to play in the tournament.

And if that wasn't intimidating enough,

the team I'll be joining is made up of former All Black rugby players.

Good to meet you, chaps.

I'm going to play on your team, but I need to learn how to mount the elephant.

-Never mounted an elephant.

So here's your moment.

No.

The only way we'll beat these big gray things

with floppy ears and funny trunks is give 'em a haka.

A haka?

-You have to, mate. We're going to war! -Okay.

This is getting scarier by the minute.

But luckily, I have my father here to big me up.

What are we gonna do with this?

'Cause this is gonna be an embarrassment in an hour or so.

-If you've got a few ideas... No, no.

Yeah, I need some tips. I'm playing keeper.

-I've been subbed in for the All Blacks.

Well, they're good guys.

-Yeah. -And they're solid.

When you get on, make sure your stirrups are short.

-Because the ropes lengthen during play,

and you'll be sitting on your crown jewels,

and it will be very uncomfortable.

Jack hasn't got very much down there, so I don't think that'll be a problem.

-They went to his brother, unfortunately. Right. That's a shame.

I've never excelled at any sport,

mainly because of my dad's criticisms of me,

and the fact that he, you know, shatters my confidence whenever I try.

And now I've found a sport, finally, that I think I might be good at,

and I'm gonna show him that I can do it.

I'm gonna make him proud.

This could be a very important day in his life, sports-wise.

So I'm genuinely excited about it.

I've been practicing my haka.

Yeah.

I think I maybe mixed it up a bit with the Macarena

-when I was watching the videos online. -Yeah.

Maybe let's not... Let's ditch the haka for today.

Anyway, this is the opposition.

This is our opposition?

Yeah, this is the opposition. I'll tell ya, they're pretty hot.

-Nice to see you. -Shake hands. You've gotta shake hands.

Let's duel!

To the elephants!

I think that's psyched out King Power, the reigning champions.

Time to choose my mount.

I don't want that one.

This one maybe.

Now I just need to work out how to get on.

Oh!

This feels a bit like I'm climbing the gallows.

I hope that's not a bad omen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce Michael Whitehall now,

whose son Jack will be playing in front of us right now.

And, Michael, what do you think of this noble sport of elephant polo?

Um, I'm very impressed so far.

This, of course, is Jack's first time for elephant polo,

so I wish him and his team good luck.

Okay!

Come on, Stu. It's underneath you. It's underneath you.

Ow!

Hey!

He whacked my stick! He hit my stick! Did you see that, ref?

Keep your eye on the ball!

Yeah, which way are we going?

We're going this way? Sorry. Should've asked.

Hit it, Jack! Why doesn't he just hit the ball properly?

Bastard! Oh, God!

Couldn't score in a brothel, that one.

Oh, it's gone down the line!

Oh!

So that's one-nil to King Power.

Guys, we're still in this. No, you're not.

I do apologize, ladies and gentlemen. This is a pathetic display.

Back, back, back. Where is it

Hit it! It's not a wand. You're not Harry Potter.

Oh, no. Just hit the bloody thing.

Oh, two-nil. Oh, this is a joke.

King Power have got it in the bag.

Can you go over here?

I think I need a change of tactics, Mourinho-style.

It's time to park the elephant.

-Down. Sit. Sit. What is he doing now?

Yes. Good, good.

If I can't score, then neither can they.

Oh, for God's sake! What an ass!

You're not allowed to sit down in the goal.

This is bullshit. Unbelievable.

-Unbelievable.

And that's it! The game's over.

Win for the King Power.

And thank you very much, Jack Whitehall, I don't think.

Ingenuity, that's what I was using.

I thought, "They've given me a fat elephant.

Why don't I use that to my advantage?

I will get it to sit with its big fat ass in the goal,

and then they won't be able to score."

And, apparently, that's against the rules. No one told me that.

Not exactly an ideal end to the day for me.

And as for my father's heckling from the sidelines...

I don't wanna speak to you.

Okay.

Well, we may not have won the match,

but at least I taught someone some new moves.

Fist bump?

-Boom!

Result.

And things are about to get a whole lot weirder.

Welcome to hell.

Daddy's here.