Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

You have to feel the storm.

You have to feel it by the world beyond.

You are alone.

It's a small world where you grow.

I know I've messed you about, and I'll understand if you don't want to, Tanya.

But I'd really love it if you'd allow me to take you out for that drink.

You would?

Oh, great.

You were born with football boots and a suntan complexion. You weren't sorted on

reflection. You'd really got it made.

Shrugged and smiled and made the usual excuses.

Suffered small abuses.

Can I? Can you finish with this liver and onions or what?

Are you having one, Tommy? No, thanks. I'll stay on my own.

Yeah, my Joan's thinking about taking a driving test again, Tommy.

Is she? Yeah, my brother's been giving her lessons. He reckons she's about

now. Oh, heck.

Yeah, she's a bit rusty on the highway code, but I've been helping her out

because I know that off by heart.

I thought you might.

Yeah, that's what she failed on last time. She got one of the questions

Ooh, I felt sorry for her. It was a tough one, really.

What was it?

What sign would you expect to see when travelling down a narrow country lane?

What did she say?

Fresh farm eggs for sale.

Oh.

That's 4 .48, please, Joe.

There you go, love. Call it 4 .49.

Hey, Mel, who was your dad going out with last night? All done up like a

dinner? I was just taking your mum out for a drink. Your mum?

Yeah. He's not getting back with her, is he? Oh, no, no, that's the last thing

he wants.

He was just burying the hatchet with her for my sake, really.

He was inviting her to my 21st do next week.

Oh, that's kind of him, isn't it? It mustn't have been easy for him. Yeah.

She's not coming anyway. My real dad's coming. She won't be seen dead in the

same room as him. We all thought it was Tanya he was taking out when he wouldn't

tell us. Oh, yeah.

Chance would be a fine thing.

I know, but the poor girl's on tenterhooks. And who can blame her? If a

promises to take you out for a drink, you don't expect to be kept waiting, do

you?

No.

She won't wait forever, will she?

What are you doing, Penny?

I'm building a rocket ship, ma 'am. What does it look like?

I was thinking of going to the moon this weekend.

Get yourself an helmet, you can come with me.

I mean, if Wallace and Gromit can do it, why can't we?

Just like your father you are.

I know.

He had to iron his own pants all the time as well, didn't he?

I wish he'd give over. Just leave him there.

They'll be done when this programme's finished.

Why, when is you?

Yes, he should have been here five minutes ago.

I'll do it myself.

I don't know.

Well, you don't buy a dog and bought yourself, can you?

I thought you was going to do all the ironing on Sunday.

You know I never work on the Sabbath day.

Or the other bloody six.

Have you turned the heating off, Mum?

Yeah, we're too hot.

Well, it's freezing here.

I haven't got no pants on, have you not noticed?

Yeah, I have, actually.

Put me right off my walnut whip.

Hiya. Hiya.

Half a cider?

Oh, please, love, and two coats and two cheese and onion.

Kids in the car?

Yeah. They'll be all right?

Yeah, I've just popped a tape in for them. That'll keep them happy for a bit.

They love Chubby Brown.

Three nights, you please, Dad.

Can you not come in in? It's not seen all week.

Yeah, you should be in in a bit.

Oh, just get that.

Hiya. All right, love. Is everything okay?

Yeah, fine.

She was in just the usual Lexus when one flew over the cuckoo's nest.

Yeah.

I know Debbie's in. I've just seen her car.

Yeah, yeah. She's in.

Is she on her own?

Yeah. Well, you can cope.

She's meeting Tanya in a bit, she said.

Yeah, well, I might just wander down in a bit. You don't have to on my account,

Dad. Like you say, I can cope.

Yeah, yeah, no.

Well, I'll see you anyway.

Right. See you.

I'm just getting a quick bath, Mum.

Right. Do you want me to put an outfit out on your bed for you?

No, thanks, Mum.

I shall be dressing myself tonight.

Hiya. Hiya.

Please,

Mel, I'm gagging. Hey, you don't know the latest about Duffy, do you?

He's missed his back.

Honestly,

he rang me up at work to tell me. Did he? Yeah. That's a turnaround, isn't it?

What's brought that on?

By the sound of it, she's doing it more for the kids than anything else.

You can understand that, can't you?

Being away really started to get to him, apparently.

Missing the dad, were they?

No, it was more the schoolmates. But they're back now, aren't they? And she's

giving him another chance. That's the main thing.

There you go, Mel.

Looks like that.

Good news, though, isn't it? Oh, I'll tell you.

Hello?

Hi, Dean.

Joe, Joe, I've got some information you might find interesting.

It's not about the dog that found the World Cup, is it? What, pickles?

No, no.

It's about Ken.

What about him fancying Tanya? Everybody knows that. Does he?

Yeah. I told you that, Eddie.

Aye, you did, my love.

Yeah, everybody knows that, Joe.

Anyway, what were you telling me?

No, you were telling me something about Ken.

What about him fancying Tanya?

Bloody hell, I give up. It's like being in the Marx Brothers, this.

The talk of Ken quitting the pub.

Aye, that's it.

He's after packing it in.

You're joking, aren't you?

He's had enough of the brewery, hasn't he?

That's the rumour.

Blimey. Eddie told me. Tommy told me. It's true, Debbie told me.

Tommy told me. Eddie told me.

I'm going to have to suss this out for definite, make a few enquiries.

Mel? Hi.

Is your dad throwing the towel in or what?

Who's told you?

Joan told me.

Eddie told me. Tommy told me. Debbie told me.

Tanya told me.

Tanya? I might have known.

She can't keep anything to herself, that one.

So is it true or what?

Well, I know he's thinking about it, but he doesn't like talking about it. He

just changes the subjects.

It's the brewery's fault. They're never off his back.

Well, the days are numbered for pubs like this now, aren't they?

They'll probably want to turn it into a fun pub.

They'll have to evict Tommy first.

I'm not going anywhere.

I've been sat at this table for 42 years.

You'd better get off home. Your tea will be burnt.

They can do what they want. I'm not shifting. This is my seat and I'm

to it. That's because you've not washed your pants for 42 years either.

At least we've had good news about Duffy and his wife, haven't we?

It's good news for him. I don't know about for her.

I'm really pleased for him. I can't wait to see him.

Hang on a minute, Joan. Don't say anything to him yet.

He'll probably want to play it down for a while until the dust has settled and

he's sure she's stopping, you know.

Oh, yeah.

You're right. He will, won't he?

Woo!

Oh, baby, give me one more chance.

Show me that you love me, won't you?

Please let me back in your heart. Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go. Let

you go, baby, now that I see you in his arms. I want you back. Yes, I do now. I

want you back. Ooh, ooh, baby.

I want you back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, darling.

What you having, everyone?

The drinks are on me.

Oh, great news, Duffy. I'm delighted for you.

What a great first date that was, wasn't it, Tanya?

Like you said, it was just perfect.

What about when we got there and you said it was your favourite restaurant?

I couldn't believe my luck.

Good old Pizza Hut.

No, no, no, I couldn't. Thanks for asking and don't get me wrong.

I'd love to come in for a coffee, but I'm an old -fashioned kind of guy and I

don't want to run the risk of offending a classy bird like you.

So if you don't mind... Oh, what did you say?

Just stop talking and kiss me.

Come here.

Pretty soon, behind the traitors We'll string them up like trapes And we'll

around like Steve McQueen In the grey escape

Don't stay in there too long, Kenny.

You know, it makes your head all big and blotchy.

Right, ma 'am.

Back to shit.

Oh, she certainly is, wasn't she? Hey, and who can blame her?

No, you can't blame her. She couldn't afford the rent on that big house once

he'd gone back to his wife, could she?

No matter how much stuff she pawns.

Yeah, well, you know, maybe.

Anyway, how much is that round for everyone, Mel?

Hey, don't forget your own either.

There you go, Tommy. Cheers, Duffy.

Don't listen to the cleaner, son.

Your wife was always going to come back to you. There was never any doubt in my

mind. Yeah, you're right.

Thanks for that, Tommy.

Is there any chance of a packet of cheese and onion as well?

Oh, all right, Winnie, love.

All right, Jane.

Oh, I'm glad you're here, love.

Gives me an excuse to stop for five minutes and have a cup of tea.

Oh, I've been a slave to this ironing board all day.

Pop kettle on, will you?

I'll be with you when I've got through a bit more of this lot.

I've just took a big pile through there and hung it up.

Oh, it seems to take forever, my ironing.

You'd get through it a bit quicker if your iron was plugged in, Jane.

Here, pal.

Hey. I've got another little present for you and all, pal. What is it?

Mucky's Polaroids of the Mistress.

Bloody hell, Duffy. I thought you'd lost interest in her.

Well, I had, but there's a chance I might get caught again now.

It's all right. Bloody turn off.

Go on, give us a shuffling.

Good lad. Here.

Hey.

What the hell? She's on her arse like a badly packed parachute.

Yeah.

Hey. That's my screen saver, that.

Bet you never seen anything like that before.

Not on an Harry Potter bedspread, no.

Oh, yeah, hey, she took this one of me for a laugh.

See? It's meant to be her face.

How did you manage to balance them sunglasses on it?

Oh, I just stuck them on it with a bit of blue tack.

Looks like Barry Manilow with a perm.

I know, yeah.

It's good, isn't it? Oh,

look, I took this one of her doing the same thing, look.

Hey! It's Jimmy Hill, isn't it? Yeah.

I didn't know he smoked cigars.

I was just improvising there.

What's that jar by her bed?

Oh, that's what she keeps her teeth in.

Hey, don't knock it.

What's she look like with her mouth?

Here.

Bloody hell.

What's she laughing at?

Is it like this one, Winnie?

Let me have a look.

Yes, it is like that, but Tanya's is a bit bigger.

Bigger? Yeah, and it's got a ceiling fan.

A ceiling fan? Oh.

Has it got a water feature?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, well, never mind.

This one would look nice in there, wouldn't it?

Oh, it would.

I'd like that one.

She must be coming in tonight.

Who's Tanya? How do you know?

Well, he's up to his bath romantics again.

He's in there now trying to make himself look all beautiful.

Oh, has he got a surgeon in there with him then? Oh, hello, Ken. You look nice.

Thanks, Winnie.

Thought it was you effing walking in then.

Yeah, he's never out of his dressing gown, that fella, is he?

Every time we see him, he's got his bloody dressing gown on.

You'd think he'd make the effort to get dressed one day in his life, wouldn't

you? Well, that's because he's never out of bed with his Irene.

Disgusting, an old man like him. Yeah, but at his age, who's he trying to kid?

The only thing that's going to get him up every night is four or five pisses.

My Ron's the same. In and out of bed every five minutes. He's like a leaky

Hey, what about my mum? She was up the other night sleepwalking. Oh, was she,

Jean?

Well, that's what he says, but I can't remember it.

Tuesday night it was. I couldn't be bothered with it half the time.

So I locked up and went to bed. There she was, rooting through my bedside

drawers. I turned the light on and she jumped out of her skin.

Well, I didn't know where I was.

That's all she kept saying.

Where am I? Where am I? Oh, that's funny, isn't it?

Who knows the workings of the human mind, eh, Ken?

You thought it was the first time it had happened, didn't you, Mum?

Yeah, I did.

Until I found out the next day about a similar incident that had happened two

nights previous.

Sleepwalking back to her room without Melanie's handbag.

I could do with a mistress, you know.

Wow, what's up?

Keep it to yourself, won't you?

We've been having a few problems recently.

How do you mean?

She told me the other night that I wasn't satisfying her anymore.

Oh, bloody hell, Joe.

They've not stopped you in overtime, have they?

No, in the bedroom area.

Oh, heck.

Why, what's up?

Is the old soldier not standing to attention, then?

Oh, no. He's got no problem standing to attention.

He just keeps firing off all his ammunition as soon as he gets into

Oh, right. I see.

Are you suffering from premature ejaculation, then? No, I love it. It's

that's suffering.

Well, not to be ashamed of. It happens to a lot of blokes, that.

Has it happened to you, Duffy?

Has it, boss?

Hey, and don't go spreading crap around about me like that on all Ben Johnson.

Oh, cheers, pal. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Well, you've just got to try and think of something else to take your mind off

it.

You know, like coming back from 100.

Oh, yeah, it is a good one.

See if you can think of the England players who won the World Cup in 66.

Does that work?

Of course it does.

Unless you're Dale Winton. Then it just makes it worse.

Release those balls.

There's another one. Yeah.

Look at that.

You hung around too long, your mother read your letters, you grinned like a go

-getter, come and got and gone.

Climbed the morning slip lens into the wallpaper, and once you could escape

but where did you go wrong? And if the whole world came crashing down around

your ears, you'd dream of stuck -up wallpaper and crystal chandeliers.

Pretty soon they'll hang the traitors and string them up like trapes.

And we'll ride around like Steve McQueen in the greyest cage.

Are you going on a shootout with the brewery?

What's all the fuss about? It's just casual wear, that's all. Oh, are you?

casual wear if you're John Wayne.

What's a ten -gallon house this month, are you?

Don't you bloody start.

Shite, this is all I need.

That'll be the Magnificent Six looking for you, Ken.

All right, Ken? All right, lad?

Well, we'd better pack the job in. There's a new sheriff in town.

Oh, no.

Not you at all.

I didn't realise it was fancy dress, Ken.

The usual, lads. Beer and a Coke.

Please, Ken.

Yeah, shut him up, bartender.

He's the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into one.

Oh, hey, Joe.

He saw your wife in Sainsbury's again this morning while we were looking at

papers. Tell me, Larry, guess what she's doing now?

What?

A dinner party.

What? You're joking.

Bloody hell.

I think that's nice, Joe. Whose birthday is it?

Nobody's, that's just it.

Eh? She's invited a couple of her friends over from work with her partners

can all get to know one another over dinner.

And will you have enough trays, Joe?

No. In the dining room, sat round the table.

What? You're sat around eating food with no telly on.

That's the plan.

It'll end in tears.

Do you have to help out?

Yeah, I do.

Will you be buttering the bread?

We're not having bread and butter. She's told me I can't make butties.

What's going on, Joe?

So haven't you met any of these people that she's invited before, then?

No. They've just relocated to her works, to be fair. That's why she's doing it,

really. You know, to help them all settle in.

Where have they come from?

London.

Oh, that explains it. You should have said.

I heard her on the phone to one of them the other night. She said, why don't you

come round at half past six? We'll have drinks and nibbles first.

When she came off, I said, nibbles?

Nibbles?

What's with the nibbles business?

You've never said nibbles before.

Oh, it's a southern expression, Joe.

I've seen it on Mars one time. It means crisps and or nuts.

I know that, Eddie. I'm just saying she's gone a bit too far this time.

If you want to avoid it, Joe, you'll be out of your depth.

I know.

That's what I'm worried about.

Oh, you'll be all right, Joe. Just be yourself, but with a few airs and

Don't roll the figure between every core.

Pretend that you appreciate the wine, and if it's rice pudding for afters...

Offer the skin round to your guests before you go helping yourself.

Why don't you go round, Gordon Ramsay, and pop open a couple of Frey Bentos

for them?

There you go, lads, £20 a go.

Again? What's it in anal this time?

It's Freddie and Joan are facing a big phone bill they can't pay.

Hang on, I thought that was all sorted. We've been putting in for that for

weeks. You said you'd given it to him last week.

I did.

But he was that grateful he spent the next few days bringing everybody up to

thank him.

He's got another one now, the dozy sod.

Oh, dear.

Oh, yeah. It's all work, work, work with my missus nowadays.

And she's working overtime every night as well.

That's no good, is it?

It's not me, Duffy. I don't mind.

It's the kids I'm concerned about.

How do you mean?

Well, they've got to stay in the after -school club now. They've already had a

full day of it. And they've got to stay in there because she can't pick them up

until she's finished working late.

Oh, dear me.

And they ate it.

They sit by that window, breaking their little hearts every day, just waiting to

be picked up.

They'll be there now.

Hey -o, here's the dumb damn kid now.

I reckon we should have a word with him about whether he's leaving or not.

I do, yeah.

We're the ones who drink in here, aren't we?

We deserve to know.

Come on.

Mel, I'll be with you in a minute, lads.

It's not Mel we've come to see, Ken.

It's you.

All right.

Is it right you're throwing the towel in?

Well, I could be last, why would you miss me?

Actually, we would, Ken, as daft as it sounds.

Is it the brewery messing you about?

They never stop messing me about.

I'm sick of it.

Oh, you don't want that, Ken.

They've got landlords running about like headless chickens now just to get a few

more punters in.

It's not on, is it?

They've got him running himself into the ground like the oak.

Well, he would, the creeping get.

Do you know what they've got him doing tonight?

Filling night with salami earlier.

What? Go on.

A Miss Wet T -shirt contest.

Bloody hell.

If that's not scraping the bottom of the barrel, I don't know what is.

I thought we'd seen the last of that kind of crap in the 80s.

We're going bloody backwards.

It's sad, isn't it, lads?

Bloody hell.

Dad, I'm getting off in a minute, if that's OK.

I said I'd meet Dean at half -past.

Yeah, no problem.

And you don't want me playing gooseberry, do you?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean, Buffalo Bill.

All right.

You don't think I'm making a fool of myself, do you?

You don't feel like an old fool.

No, I think you should go for it.

You think so, love? Yeah, I do.

Oh, good.

I was worried about what you might think.

Well, you needn't have. I think she's lovely, Tanya.

Yeah, so do I.

I was thinking of asking her out tonight, but my bottle's going a bit

They ain't out never one for their maiden.

You're bloody right.

I think I might have a few of these first, though, eh?

Dad.

What?

Lose the cowboy collars, eh?

You think so?

Well, she's not calamity Jane, is she?

Go on, suck off.

There you go, lads.

Cheers, kid.

These are getting on my nerves.

Dad, can I have a tenner out the way, please?

That's right.

You don't owe me this much.

All right, you go and have a good night.

Thanks, Dad.

You too.

You're not spoiling her again, are you, Ken?

Well, she's worth it.

The girls work hard behind this bar.

I've been thinking I should give them a bit more.

You've been after giving Tanya a bit more for quite a while, haven't you,

She'll have to be a fine thing. Oh, give over, will you? From what we've seen,

you've got every chance.

You reckon?

Take it from us, Ken. We're coppers, aren't we?

We don't miss much.

No, no, you don't.

Do you not reckon she's a bit too young and good -looking for someone like me?

Oh, what does that matter?

Well, it shouldn't do, should it?

She obviously sees something in you.

You'll be like them two in the films. What are their names now?

I know who you're thinking of.

Catherine Zeta -Jones and Michael Douglas. No, no, Esmeralda and that

rings the bell.

She is nice, thanks a lot.

I know I'm no oil painting.

Not unless you count Picasso.

I shouldn't worry about it, Ken. I mean, it never stopped Paul Daniels, did it,

with the lovely Debbie?

No, that's magic. What about Bruce Forsyth and that Miss World he's married

She's half his age.

That is playing a generation game.

And didn't he do well?

Come on, Ken.

This could be your big night if you play your cards right.

Good day. Nice to see you.

See you.

Nice.

And everyone knows.

You're knocking it back tonight, are you?

Well, you know what they say.

If it feels good, do it.

To the regiment.

I wish I was there.

Good game.

Hi, Deb. Is he having one? No, just get your own. I'm all right.

Where's Ken?

Is he out with his missus again?

Oh, Daniel, I won't be a second. I'll just put the lad in the back.

Right.

There you go, nice.

Excuse me a minute, gents.

See you next time, love.

Please, Ken.

It's not me, this.

I'm glad you're coming, love.

I wanted to have a word.

Actually, I wanted to have a word with you.

I've come in to give you a week's notice, Ken.

What, you're leaving?

Yeah, that's right.

Right.

What did you want me for?

Erm... You've not seen the football card knocking about, have you?

I haven't, no, I'm sorry.

Turn up, eh?

Okay, then.

Plant them out, please, Ken.

You were born with football boots and a sun tank complexion. You once thought

that on reflection, you'd really got me.

You once thought that unreflection, you've really got it made.

You once thought that unreflection, oh yeah, I've really got it made.

Rushing through the storm, captivated by the world beyond.

There is a wealth of mercy to enjoy from one foot in the grave to nighty -night.

Just two of the delights on offer in the Classic Comedy Collection, available

now on bbciplayer .com.