Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the storm, kept defeated by the world beyond.

You are alone.

It's a small world and you've grown.

Who'd have thought?

Melanie and Dean, eh?

Oh, yeah.

At it like bunny rabbits they were, weren't they? Right there on my settee.

the mucky devils.

I haven't been able to sit there since.

You brought your vanish with you, haven't you?

I get all the best jobs made, don't I?

She gets all this behaviour off her mother, you know.

She's back on her own again now, have I told you? Yeah, you told me last week.

This one was obviously not as soft with her as my Kenny was.

Well, most men wouldn't be.

She can't hold on to a man for longer than five minutes.

She's got a right reputation.

And if our Melanie's not careful, she'll end up the same, a right bloody... Oh!

Hello, Melanie, love.

Hiya.

Hiya, Winnie. Hello, love.

Can I borrow your magazine, Nana?

Of course you can, love. Feel free.

Then he hit the roof and turfed Dean out, so Melanie took the hump.

They're still not speaking now.

Could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

She's not said a word to me about it.

Still, I respect her privacy.

But she don't want to be talking to her grandma about it, does she? No.

But she's not even wrote anything about it in her diary.

We haven't seen sight nor sound of Dean since.

Oh, Ken really liked him and all, didn't he?

He's blotted his copy book now.

Yeah, he's done the same thing to Maz, that he.

I'm not obsessed with it, Mum.

I am getting over it, but just added a guess.

How many weeks do you think I'd have to work to earn 40 grand?

Hello?

Hello, Mum?

Mum?

There's something wrong with this phone.

Hey, Duffy, I've not told you, have I?

Told me what?

Well, you know when we had that quiz last week?

Oh, yeah.

Well, Debbie told Nicola, who told Tanya, who told my Joan, that Melanie

been asking if she had any condoms.

Oh, did she?

Yeah.

You don't think she's having sex with Dean, do you?

Well, either that or she's grown enough, Eddie.

Of course they are.

That's what all the kerfuffle was about upstairs last week.

When Ken came down fuming.

Why, she'd not asked him for one, had she?

Had she balls?

He caught her at it, didn't he?

Oh, I see.

She wants to be careful, a young girl like that having sex.

She ends up having a child. She'll realise one day she's made a big

Oh, no.

She'll think it's a burden on her.

She'll blame it for ruining her life.

She'll wish it had never happened.

How do you know all this, Eddie?

You've never had any kids?

That's just something I heard my mum saying one time.

Oh, sugar puffs.

You know, Mum's not been well, so we thought it would be nice to take her

somewhere on Friday to take her mind off it, you know.

Oh, that's a good idea, Joan.

So why are you taking her then? Well, we're thinking of going to Blackpool for

the day. They've got a circus on there and she loves them.

Do you like circuses, Joe?

Not first.

Oh, I like circuses.

Do you like circuses, Tony? No, they're shite.

Oh, I do.

Do you like circuses, Tanya?

Not really.

Oh, I do. They're great.

Do you like circuses, Debbie?

Yeah, they're good fun. Kids like them. They do, don't they? So do I.

Do you like circuses, Nicola?

Yeah, they're all right.

They are, aren't they?

What? about you, Duffy? Do you like circuses?

I've never been to one.

Oh, you'd love them. I do.

Do you like circuses, Ken?

I don't know, Joan.

What are we talking about, Joan?

Circuses, Eddie.

Oh, I love circuses. They're great.

Do you like circuses, Jo?

Do you want a chocolate, Winnie?

I've got boxes of these, thanks to Gyro Jim.

Can you give her a box last week to tip along?

Who, Tanya?

Yeah. Did he?

Chocolate, say?

Yeah, he's falling under the white witch's spell, all right.

I hate to say it, but I think she's the only thing that's putting a smile on his

face at the minute.

Has he asked her on that date yet?

Not yet.

He's not very confident where women are concerned, Mark, is he?

He's always been the same.

I remember when he went out with that Lucy Ansborough.

Do you remember her?

Yeah, her brother were another go hero.

Oh, yes, I know her. I think you've told me this story, Jean.

Yeah, her first date it was.

Took her to Emilio's for a nice Italian.

Was so shy and awkward, never spoke more than two words to her all night.

You ended up doing most of the talking, didn't you, Jean?

Well, I had to.

The silence was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable.

So you don't think he'll ask Tanya on this date, then?

Well, he will do eventually.

Starting to build himself up to it, I can tell.

How do you mean?

Just little changes the mother notices.

You know, shaving every day, deodorant, toothpaste, order eaters.

Order eaters?

Oh, you're smitten, aren't you?

Yeah, but can I ask you something first, Ken?

Of course you can, love. What is it?

Do you like circuses?

Bloody hell.

MC won't put you in a circus, don't he?

Yeah, how's it going upstairs with you, Melanie?

Oh, it's still a while of silence. All right.

It's like living with Marcel, myself.

Oh, man, it was my mother not talking to me. I mean, I couldn't buy a week like

that.

Not Melanie.

I'll get that, love.

Oh, cheers, Ken.

Well, have you tried patching things up with her? That'll be all right.

I'll just leave it. It'll work itself out.

Oh, well, that's you all over, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Waiting to see how things turn out in your life instead of taking control of

yourself.

Is this a bollocking?

Yeah, it is. Because if you want something, Ken, it's up to you to make

happen.

Tanya? Yeah?

You keep your eye on the bar. I'm just nipping up for a few minutes.

Yeah, of course I will.

And you know that bottle of Aramy your Darren gave him when he ran Raided Boots

that time? Yeah.

Well, he stinks of that stuff now.

Anyway, have he, didn't he?

He's not been out at box since he got it. How long ago's that?

Oh, it's a few years.

My Darren's been inside three years this Christmas.

Hmm, there you go then.

We'll be coming out some, won't we?

Yeah, second week in December.

Let's hope he's learnt the error of his ways, eh?

Oh, he definitely has this time, Jean.

It's been a tough stretch, this one. Last time I visited him, he promised.

I'm not coming back in here, Mam, he said.

When I get out this time, I'm going straight as a die.

Well, that's what you want to hear, isn't it, Winnie? Very pleased for you,

love.

You haven't told him about my new DVD player, have you?

Yeah.

You like that, love?

Yeah.

It's good.

It's a bit frosty in here, isn't it?

Is that your None Is Okay magazine?

Yeah.

This is a bit more like it, eh?

Me and you talking again?

That's the back door, Dad.

Is that the invisible man?

Tell him I can't see him.

You hear me now, eh?

I can't see him.

Invisible.

Come on, don't hold it in.

Just a wee baby's unbutted. You better go and get it then, aren't you?

I suppose I should, eh?

Would you mind minding the bar if I do?

No.

And, er... Is there any chance you could work this Thursday night?

I'm planning on taking somebody out for a drink.

Yeah.

Don't you want to know who?

Not really.

All right, I see.

OK.

I'm going to start these two up, then.

Bitter than a Coke, is it?

At least, can you? And a large multiple, he's off.

Ken?

Ken? I'm coming, I'm coming.

How's it gone?

I'll tell you later. I've not thawed out yet.

Oh, I see.

Go on, you see to him. I'll get the drinks.

Ah, excellent.

Sorry about that, lads.

Relax, Ken. There's no rush.

No problem, Ken.

Give us a bloody break, will you?

Honestly, you don't get five minutes in this game.

Hi, Tanya.

Hiya.

What does he want me down here for when you're working?

Well, no, I'm not working, love. I've come in for a drink. Just helping out

a minute.

All right.

Has he asked you to work on Thursday night?

No. Well, he's asked me to. But I'm supposed to be going to a party with

Oh, work.

Why isn't your dad working?

He's supposed to be taking someone out for a drink.

Is he?

And do you know who?

No. I'm not interested either.

Here you are. I'll take these drinks through.

So you went round to her new house?

Well, when she left, I said a lot of bad things in here in a moment.

I just wanted to apologise for that.

That and all the graffiti about her outside her works.

Did you see her?

Yeah, yeah. I had a few minutes with her on the doorstep.

I thought I'd say all the things that I have never said before.

What did you say?

I said I love you.

Bloody hell.

I know, it just came out.

And I said, I'm lonely without you and the kids.

And what did she say?

Is that a free bentos pie in your hand?

I said, yeah, chicken and mushroom.

But that's not what I've come here to say.

And then I told her.

Whatever I have said in the past, and whatever I've done, I didn't mean it.

I just want you back for good. Bloody hell, I'll take that with you.

It's her favourite song.

I thought it might strike a chord, you know.

Well, you know her best, Duffy.

What did she say?

She just slammed the letterbox shut on me.

Caught me late.

Here, can you see it?

Ooh,

Ken the landlord, eh?

You can ring my bell.

Ring my bell, my bell.

Ring -a -dong -a -ding -a.

Hey, I hope you don't do what I did on my first date with my tone. It was

embarrassing. Why, what did you do?

Got pregnant.

Oh!

Hey, up!

Here he is, the one machine!

Hey!

Oi, oi, frere Abbie. Hey, you've got an ear. Hey, look up the darges, Dino's in

town.

What the bloody hell?

All right, son.

Have you got your shotgun, Ken?

You'd better get your satiries from Ken. He's back.

All right, come on, you've had your fun. Leave the lad alone.

Give him a pipe, Mel.

On the house.

Cheers, Ken.

Just make sure he drinks it down here.

She seems very keen on him.

It's not Mark any Tanya's keen on. It's this place.

That's what she fancies, her name above our door.

I bet she wouldn't give him a second look if she knew we're planning to throw

towel in, get a poxy flat and put his poor mother in home.

Oh, Jean, you're letting your imagination run away with you. You don't

that, do you? The writing's on the wall, Winnie. And anyway, I know barmaids.

Just another gold digger.

Tanya's no gold digger. She's got her own place.

Which you might have, but it won't be as good as this.

Oh, it is. It's nice semi -detached.

Semi -detached, is it?

Yes, I've seen it. I used to clean the house next door, but once we were on

Claremont Road, do you know it?

Claremont Road?

Yeah, I do.

We like it round there.

Yeah, it's lovely.

How many bedrooms does he have, the houses round there? Well, the one I used

clean had three, and that's the same type as his.

Three? Yeah.

And one of them was en suite.

En suite?

Yeah.

En suite.

But how could she afford a house like that?

Well, the insurance paid for it when her husband died.

Oh, dear me, I didn't even know she'd been married.

It was very tragic.

Fit as a fiddle, he was, apparently.

And then one Saturday when she went out shopping, he had a massive heart attack.

She'd come home that afternoon and found him lying there, dead on the

conservatory floor.

She's got a con...

It's not all doom and gloom, though, is it, Duffer? I mean, you've still got the

mistress to keep your pecker up, haven't you?

You've seen her?

Yeah. Ah, I've lost interest there now.

How do you mean?

Well, there's no point sneaking off to bang the mistress when you haven't got a

missus, is there? I mean, where's the fun in that?

I know what you're saying.

Yeah. There's no excitement there now.

Don't do anything for me anymore.

Right. I mean...

I went round there the other night.

She had all the saucy gear up for me, you know.

We had a couple of bottles of wine and I went through in emotions.

But I'll be honest with you, Joe.

I didn't even have any film in me camera.

Hey, Joe, I've been meaning to ask you something.

What? I was wondering if you would do the disco for my 21st do.

Me?

Yeah.

Me? Yeah.

Honestly? Yeah.

Honestly.

Magic.

I tell you what, that's the best decision you've ever made, Melanie.

I won't let you down.

Once you've booked Jumping Joe's Crazy Roadshow, you know you're in safe hands.

Scissor happy. The hairdresser's on Newbridge Lane.

That's the place.

Well, the girls were staying here. It was swarming with police round there.

What's they been raided for?

They've been running a massage parlor in the room upstairs.

Four or five girls.

I thought it was just some hairdressers.

Well, you can get a wash and blow there, Kem, but you won't see any hair dryers.

I didn't know that.

So it was raided, was it?

Oh, aye. We were first on scene.

Oh, yeah? Well done.

As soon as we heard that siren, we couldn't pull our pants up quick enough.

Bloody hell.

But... Many of the cops arrived on the scene. Didn't anybody wonder how you got

there so quick?

I think they turned a blind eye, Ken.

Most of them seemed another way around the place better than they should have

done anyway.

I reckon a couple of them have got loyalty cards.

Even the chief superintendent makes a regular visit.

Get off.

It's true, Ken. One of the girls was telling us.

You won't believe what he likes doing when he's there.

What? On my life, this.

Dressing up as a baby.

Romper suit.

Nappy the lot.

You are joking.

Honestly, Ken, it's what she told us.

You know what they call him down at the station now?

What?

Kindergarten cop.

Bloody hell.

A grown man, dressing up as a baby.

What does he get out of that?

Two fellas rusting his arse wipe to go and do it.

Hey, I wonder what he's like between the sheets.

We'll be finding that out for a while, we'll have to.

Yeah, right.

He might have the magic truck.

Oh, I don't know. Don't think foreplay had been invented when Ken learned what

to do.

I bet he turns out to be dead passionate.

I think he'd be a bit of a moaner.

Hey, I tell you, he's a bit of a moaner.

Are you?

Oh, come it. Oh, no, he won't be anything like that.

He's dead shy, really, Ken.

They're the worst of shy ones.

Yeah, they say that, don't they? No, no, it's true.

Do you remember that Simon Walton that I went out with for a while?

Oh, yeah, right. Well, I thought he was shy until the first time we did it.

Well, what did he do?

He set the washing machine going on fast spin. Set me on top of it. Did he?

The kinky sod.

Oh, no, no, it was dead good and all.

He didn't half make me toes curl. Oh, I bet he did.

Mind you,

I dare not show my face in that laundrette again.

embarrassed when I went for my handcuffs and I realised I'd left them on the

bedpost. I bet you did. We felt bad about having to arrest the girls, but at

least we let one of them get away.

How do you manage that?

It was quite easy, really. She was already dressed as a policewoman at the

Really?

He likes nurses.

Whatever turns you on, eh?

Beats being a boob again.

I'll see.

And you can't beat a bit of role play, Ken.

Yeah, they get through more outfits in that place than Mr. Ben.

Why? Whatever sort of stuff do they do?

Any fetish you want.

Bondage, rubber, S &M, they do the lot. You name it, we've tried it.

And I wish you'd like to pay for all this.

You what?

Pay for it?

Pay for it.

What do you think we are, Ken? A couple of bloody perverts?

1038, 1038, come in, 1038.

1038 receiving, over.

Oh, is that informant 425?

That's what he says.

Put him through, straight away.

Roger, doing that now.

425, 425, come in, please.

Oh, hello, night.

One beef, three onion, one chicken, birthday. Ready now.

Cheers, Farouk. How much is that, pal?

£12 .20.

Any discount for friends of the environmental health officer?

OK, call it dinner.

That's more like it.

Chuck in a couple of poppadums, Farouk. We'll see you in five minutes.

Come on, Phil.

We'd better get off, Kent. We don't want to get in cold, do we?

See you, Nick. See you soon, Kent.

See you, Phil.

See you, Kent.

Crime can't... Well, you know the rest, don't you?

See you, boys.

I'm just getting a quick shave, love.

Right.

All right, my little, set you up.

Yeah. Boys in blue have got an emergency, have they?

Yeah, the cottage went cold.

Let's hope it doesn't choke them, eh?

Choke them, eh?

All right, Mal, I'm just going to have a quick shave.

What are you doing looking at wicker furniture?

You know me, I've always liked a bit of wicker.

You haven't seen my Arabis, have you, Mum? It's disappeared from the bathroom

cabinet. It was here a couple of days ago.

Yes.

Hang on a minute. I have come to think of it.

What's it doing in here?

That's what I were thinking.

It'll be when you want it. She gets worse, that woman.

Is that nice Tanya coming in?

She's already in.

I'd pop your order eaters in then if I were you.

Give Eddie that envelope.

Oh, bloody hell, I forgot.

Anyway, what's with the nice tanya business?

You were slagging her off a couple of days ago.

I wasn't.

You were.

You called her a floozy.

That's not slagging her off.

Floozy meant something different in my day. It meant bubbly and sociable, full

of fun.

Oh, right. So what did Trollope mean in your day, then?

You've got to see it from your dad's point of view, though, Mel.

To him, you're still his little girl.

I'm not anymore, though, am I?

And he shouldn't have gotten ballistic like he did. All he's bothered about is

how badly it reflects on him and what he looks like.

He's not even bothered about me.

Oh, you're joking, aren't you? You're his world.

Tanya?

Boys?

Sorry?

Eddie? Have you got a minute?

Can I have a word?

Oh, of course you can, Ken.

What is it?

You know that big phone where you run off with? Your mum's been phoning her

mother when she was ill.

Oh, yeah.

We can't afford to pay it. They're going to cut us off.

Yeah, well, they're not anymore.

I've been sticking some football cards around, and we've managed to raise

money to pay it off.

Here you go, pal.

Everybody's been put in.

Have they?

You know last week when Tommy won it?

Yeah, Huddersfield Town.

I wouldn't take a penny.

Made me put all the winnings back in.

Well,

yeah, you know, our phone bill, love.

We can pay it now.

We're not going to get cut off.

How do you mean?

Ken's been running the football cards for us.

Everybody's chipped in to help out.

Tommy wouldn't even take his winnings out.

What's going on there?

You know, they threatened to cut off Johnny and Eddie's phone because they

couldn't afford to pay the bill.

Yeah.

Well, he does have been taking football cards around for them.

He must have got enough money to get it to pay it off for them.

Have they?

Yeah.

You must have been a beautiful baby.

You must have been a beautiful doll.

I can see the judge's eyes as he handed you the prize.

I'll bet you made the cutest bow.

You must have been a beautiful baby.

Because, baby, look at you now.

You all right, love?

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, hey.

It's all right.

I'm sorry as well, love.

What were like, eh?

We're friends again.

Go on, then.

You've got a lot of foam on your face now.

You can't waste this, you know. There's not much left.

Your nanny's got to have a shave after me.

You're all right, come.

Come on.

And another, my love.

I've not finished this one yet.

Okay, love, but there's no rush.

Hey, Eddie, why don't we have a nice chippy tea tonight for a treat?

Oh, yeah.

Chippy tea. What a good idea, love. Why not?

You can't take it with you, can you?

You stopping for another, Tommy?

No, I'm going when I've stopped there.

You're a bit early, aren't you, Tommy? I've been up since half six, and I've

another early start tomorrow.

Oh, are you? Your new job, how's it going?

I hate it.

Do you, Tommy? That's a shame.

Well, at least you've got a job, Tommy.

It's not so much the job I hate, it's the buggers I work with.

Who heck?

They don't like me, and I don't like them.

That's no good, is it?

I'm not bothered.

I go to work to make money, not friends.

And if any of them come up talking to me now, I just tell them all to piss off.

Oh.

Right.

I'm off.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you, Tommy.

Yeah, see you, Tommy.

See you, Tommy. See you, Tommy.

Right, say we can go. No, I'm all right.

All right, Dean?

Oh, aye.

Where is she?

She's up with her dad.

All right.

Oh, no problem, I'll get me own.

No rest for the wicked, eh?

Oh, well, you'd know more about that than me, Dean.

Oi, cheeky.

Sorry, Tanya.

You're all right, Mel.

Nearly done now.

Everything all right? Yeah, it's all sorted. I feel a lot better now.

Was your dad all right? Yeah.

Hey, guess what?

I found out who he's planning on taking out for a drink on Thursday night.

Who is it?

Me mum.

Your mum? Yeah. Can you believe it? Me mum.

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