Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the storm, captivated by the world's bill.

You are alone.

It's a small world and you've grown.

Question number 37.

Name the sisters who shot to fame pioneering women's rights.

Oh, yeah. I think it's the Nolans, John.

Question 38 is a spelling question.

How do you spell Promulgate?

What?

Promulgate. Well, I've never heard of it.

Well, according to the dictionary, it says to proclaim, to publish, Or to make

known officially.

It's a promulgate.

It's a new one on me. How's it spelt?

P -R -O... Any more of that and you're all

barred.

Come on, settle down.

Question 39.

What is the capital of Chile?

Is it Concani, Eddie?

Here, when are we going to have that pickles question, Ken?

Question 40, the final question.

What was the name of the dog that found a mule cub after it was stolen in 1966?

OK,

we'll take a break there before I give you the answer to that last section.

A chance for you all to buy a drink.

After all, this is a pub and not a dog's house, Tommy.

Now, before you all stampede to the bar, does anybody want any of those

questions repeating before we move on?

Can you repeat number 39, please, Ken?

Certainly, gents.

Question 39.

What is the capital of Chile?

Cheers, Ken.

You got any more of that nice malt left, Ken?

Bloody hell.

Aye, aye. What's going on here?

Bloody machine.

It's not on this.

You're right. Do you want me to go and tell the landlord? He'll sort it out for

you. Oh, aye, and sort me out first.

Oh, bollocks to him.

I bet you haven't got any, have you?

I've had five balls. She's on the pill. I don't have a bath with my socks on

anymore. Oh, lucky man.

Not that lucky, Dean. Can't remember when I last had a bath.

What's he got?

Have you been eating asparagus?

Why, organic ones.

He makes a fortune on that bloody machine, you know. He knows it's never

working. Nobody's ever asked for the money back because he's too embarrassed.

Apart from Debbie.

Hey, I hope you're looking after her. She's a nice girl, Melanie.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm looking after her. Don't worry about that.

That's what the last one said, then he dropped her like a ton of bricks.

Bloody shameless he was.

Do you think she still misses him?

Sure is a part of him she still misses.

But nothing to worry about.

I'm not worried.

It's his loss.

He's got everything I could want in a girl, Mel. Good looks, personality.

You're right.

And her dad owns a pub.

Hey, you don't get any better than that, does it? No.

Why don't you just go and ask old Tommy if you can borrow a Johnny off him?

He doesn't have any, does he? No, I'd just love to see his face when you asked

him.

40 grand.

That's £4 .98, love. No, it's more than that, Ken.

No, yours is in me, love.

Aw, thanks, Ken.

Hey, if you need a lift, I'll come behind there and help you out, you know.

Oh, aye.

After a sneaky peek at the quiz master's answers, eh? Oh, well, I'll show you

mine if you show me yours.

There's no favouritism tonight. You're not getting anywhere near them answers.

Aw, spoilsport.

This lot are too small, right? Have you lot got so much dizzy names, right?

You cheeky sod.

You're the favourite for the baby pies, though.

Ooh. Thanks, Ken. He'll wear his top again.

Look at her.

All over him like a rash. Have you seen her?

No mistaking her intentions, is there?

Should have seen her last week when he were in bed with flu.

Why? What was she like?

Up and down like a bride's nightie.

Taking him hot toddies. Filling his hot water bottle.

Checking his temperature.

Proper little Florence nightingale.

Was she?

I'll say.

Then she's coming up every four hours with a spoonful of medicine for him.

I bet he's not the first bloke she's given a dose to either.

You said it, Winnie.

Do you want a bar of this sugar?

Hiya, lady.

Hello, Tanya, love.

What are you grinning at?

You look like the cat who got the cream.

Just having a laugh with Kent.

Oh, he seems to be doing a lot of that these days.

I'd just get on with him, that's all. I think he'd prefer it if you were getting

off with him.

Well, don't tell anyone, but he's supposed to be taking me out for a drink

week for looking after the pub when he had the flu.

Hey, nice one.

Yeah, but he hasn't said anything since then. I think he might have gone off the

idea. No.

He's probably just a bit slow on the uptake.

My husband's like that, a bit slow.

Until he gets in the bedroom, then he's like grease lightning.

But without the grease, or the lightning.

Oh, she's right, though, Tanya. We just need to poke up the arm.

Hey, hang on a minute, Debbie.

They've not even been on a date yet.

Hey, Joe, Joe, did you know the answer to that pickles question?

What? You know, the dog that found the World Cup pickles. Did you know it? Not

until you said it, Eddie.

Oh, yeah, because I knew it, you see. Oh, didn't I, John?

Yeah. Right.

I've known it for quite a while, actually.

Did you know it, Dean?

Yeah, yeah, I knew that one, yeah. Yeah, so did I. Yeah, pickles it was.

Yeah, I know. I heard you asked Ken to put it in last night.

Yeah, but I didn't know which question number it would be, though, did I?

Eh?

Did you know that one, Duffy?

What? The question about the dog, Pickles.

Oh, I couldn't give a shite about this poxy quiz, Eddie.

He's only put it on to get more punters in here.

Well, Ken asked this question about the dog that found the World Cup in 1966,

Pickles. Yeah, me and Joe knew it. All right, Eddie, we get the picture about

pissing Pickles. Bloody hell.

Right -o.

Duffy?

Yeah? Have you heard from me yet, your missus?

No, not yet.

I'm not bothered, though. I don't care if I never see her again.

He's on 40 grand a year, isn't he? Have you seen her? No, I was in Bargain Booze

last night. You'd just been in there for your cider.

The manager was saying you were going on about it to him.

Till he asked you to leave.

Shit house.

Here, do you want to join our team, Tommy? You know, pool our brains.

No, thanks.

I'll stay on my own.

Right -o.

Another one taking it. too seriously, Jo.

It's his last, Edda.

Ready for another, my love?

Please, Edda.

Shall we just have halves? Help us stay focused.

Yeah. Get us two halves each, Edda. We'll show him.

Coming up, my love.

Two halves a bit and two halves a Guinness in black, please.

I'll tell you what, I'll put them both in pint pots for you, eh?

Good idea, Ken.

That was a bit of a close shave, eh? You know, pickles.

You'd ask me to put a question in it you'll know about bleeding pickles, and

everyone I read out, you'd ask me when it's going to come up.

Aye, sorry, Ken.

I think the big nightmare's got to me.

I don't know.

Let's hope MI5 never offer you the job, eh?

MI5, oh.

Yeah, I've been very discreet about my jewellery service, though, haven't I?

Oh, are you?

I mean, we're all in the dark about them two lads from the Longfield Road estate

who turned over the bookies on Green Lane, getting away in a stolen white

Focus. Of course we are.

I never said it was white.

Has Joan been blabbing again?

Oh, women, eh, Ken?

That is my own fault, though.

Pillar talk, you see.

Give us 4 .20, Eddie.

Oh, there you go.

Exacto mundo.

Oh, we've had a great night, Ken.

Yeah, we've really enjoyed it, us. Cheers, Eddie.

This ain't going to go OK.

I'm going to do it again. Same time next Monday, if you fancy it.

Oh, definitely, Ken.

You can count us to win.

Great news, my love.

Everybody's really enjoying the quiz.

Ken's going to do it again next Monday.

Oh, great.

Hey, Eddie, I'll write all the answers down then and save them in my purse till

next week.

Good idea, my love.

None of these idiots in here will think to do that.

Most of them didn't even know pickles were... You all

right, Tommy?

Not really. I feel terrible.

All right.

You haven't got yourself in the round by mistake, have you? Oh, it's the flu.

You've given it to me, haven't you?

I thought you'd be pleased to get something for an out.

No, it's dangerous, the flu, when you get to my age.

They told me that at the hospital today.

At the hospital?

It's not that bad, is it? No, I just went for a regular check -up.

Oh, I see.

So what's he said, then?

He's still alive. I'll have to wait until they get the results back.

Piss off.

You all right, Kent?

What's tickled you, Ken?

Old Tommy feeling sorry for himself.

What's up with him? He's got a flu.

Oh, bloody hell, it's going around like a wildfire, isn't it?

Oh, don't worry, he won't give it to you. He's too tight to part with it.

It's this Chinese flu, isn't it?

Oh, aye, it's terrible.

But we can't be caught saying that anymore, Kent.

What? Chinese flu. It's not PC.

You are having me on.

We're not.

PCs have got to be PC now. You can't be an un -PC PC anymore.

You can't talk about race, creed, colour. It's racism, that, sexism, this,

is fine. I agree with all that. It's wrong.

There's no place for it in today's society.

But you can't even laugh at dwarves anymore, Ken.

Where did it all go wrong?

I don't know. When they're jumping about at the panto in Snow White and you're

paying £35 a ticket, that's fine. They want you to laugh at them then.

But you see the same fella out shopping with his family on Deansgate, you wind

your window down, start singing hi -ho, hi -ho, he'll turn around and tell you

to piss off.

Didn't he, Phil?

He did.

How are you doing with them sarnies, love?

Nearly done, Dad.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go easy with that corned beef.

Slice it thinner.

It's not a bloody Jacobean banquet.

Shite.

Just found something out in the toilets.

Debbie couldn't wait to tell me, but you're not going to like it. What is it?

Your Kenny's meant to be going on a date with her very soon.

Oh, Tanya?

Yeah, he's promised her for looking after him when he was poorly.

When are they going?

Well, she's just waiting for him to say. She's on pins, apparently.

I bet she is.

Well, I hope he remembers what I told him at tea time.

Why? What did you tell him?

It's only two minutes since your last one run off with your best friend. And

were your own age.

How long do you think it'd take, Tanya?

Oh, heck.

What did he say?

Thanks for reminding me, Cupid. And we're nearly getting carried away, as

thought himself.

Don't want him to get hurt again, will he?

Just look at her. Done up like a dog, didn't her?

Have you seen that top she's nearly wearing?

I have.

The display cabinet's been left open tonight, hasn't it?

And the trophies are definitely on show.

There's a good chance your Kenny will be polishing them next week and all.

Sandwiches, anybody?

Thanks, Melanie.

Oh, hold on. Thanks,

Melanie, love.

Would you like a sandwich, Joan, Eddie?

What have you got, Melanie?

We've got corned beef or egg mayonnaise.

Oh, I love egg mayonnaise.

Do you think you should, Joan? I mean, you haven't been for three days, have

you? Have you not got anything a bit less binding, Melanie?

This is all we've got, Eddie.

Oh, right -o.

Thanks, Melanie.

Oh, Joan, Joan, what's the name of the dog that found the World Cup in 1966?

Pickles!

Tommy,

what's the name of the dog that found the World Cup in 1966?

Pickles!

Hey,

lads, lads, lads, hey, what's the name of the dog that found the World Cup in

1966?

Pickles. Oh!

I'll see you later.

I know where I can sugar.

Do you have a couple more of them?

18, have you asked Joe and Duffy yet?

Yeah, we haven't got any, Mel. You want to tell your dad to get that machine

fixed? What are you on about?

Do you want to come to Mel's 23rd? It's three weeks, it's Saturday.

Oh, are you here? Yeah, we're up for that, mate.

I'm not sending out invites, I'll just turn up.

Oh, right.

Dean, I'm done now. I'm going up. See you there.

Right,

here we go. Can you all swap your babies out?

Right,

Dean. Right, come on, settle down.

I'll just take a moment to go over the prizes again.

It's a box of chocolates.

Right, question 20.

Hey, bloody hell, Kevin, when word gets out about your quiz prizes, I'll be

battering the door down.

Hey! The Ferrero Rocher these, you know. Not just any old chocolate.

What, have you robbed them from Ambassador's Bar, mate?

No, but I know Jim might have done.

Right, eyes down and looking.

Look, I'll just run through quickly.

Showbiz, question 20.

The answer is... John Leslie.

Yes!

That's John Leslie.

A lot of you seem to have got that.

What do you think the papers would leave him alone, eh?

Let's go on with his life, the poor sod.

Question 21.

The answer to that is John Leslie again.

Question 22.

Come on, come on now, come on. Question 22.

It's a bit of a tricky question, this one.

Anybody put John Leslie? Well, you're wrong.

It was, in fact, Stan Collymore.

Stan Collymore.

You base all these questions on the news of the world, Ted.

Oh, you can do it next week, smartass.

Question 23.

The answer is... Eureka Johnson.

Eureka Johnson.

It just put weather girl, bit of a slapper.

Yeah, I'll accept that. We're not splitting hairs, are we?

I'm going to go and see Mel, all right? OK, don't be long, Sean. We'll be up for

the chocolates.

All right, thanks to me.

Question 24.

The two we were looking for...

What's cruising?

That's cruising.

And the answer to question 25, of course, is Kevin Spacey. I love him.

Kevin Spacey.

I thought you were doing

that quiz, Einstein.

No, I've done all of that. I thought I'd come and quiz you now. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, question number one.

Is there any chance of you... No.

Ain't not. I've started, so I'll finish.

No, tonight you won't, Romeo. I've got these pots to wash.

You can make us a brew, though. That kettle's boiling.

Spoilsport. You'd better put some bromide in yours.

Hey, have you told your dad, then?

No.

Not quite sure what to say.

How about me and Dean are thinking of getting a flat together?

I know it's a bit subtle, but I'm sure it'll work it out eventually.

Don't be funny.

It's not that simple. It's OK for you. You've already left home, but it's a big

step for me.

And my dad.

Well, he's not moving in with us, is he?

You know what I mean?

I get on with him really well. We have a good laugh, me and my dad, and he'll

miss that.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you and your dad get a flat and I'll stay here with your nana?

I had a look in the estate agent's window today, though.

Yeah, you see? I knew you were warming to it.

Did you see that? I saw lots of things. Nothing we could afford, though.

Hey, don't worry. Something good will come up, I promise.

I know.

But if we wait and save, we might be able to get something better.

They had a really nice semi.

I've already got one of those.

I had a feeling you have.

That's Catherine Zeta -Jones.

Catherine Zeta -Jones.

Yes! Did we get that one, Ed?

Oh, no, this is Tommy's paper, isn't it?

Question number 84.

The slang term for young male prostitutes is rent boys.

Oh, yes. Rent boys.

Question number 35, the answer is Fred Elliot.

Oh, yeah.

Fred Elliot.

My favourite.

I love Fred.

Question number 36, the picture question. This is true a lot of you. A

people thought it was Les Dawson, when in fact it was Anne Widdicombe. Oh.

Anne Widdicombe. No chance.

And obviously bad photocopy.

Half a point if you put Les Dawson. Yes.

You're making it up as you go along.

You'll let them pour anything down.

I wish somebody would put you down.

Hey!

You all right, Tommy?

No, I'm not. I'm dying.

Oh, I'm going all right. Put it on wounds.

Right,

moving on.

Question number 37.

The sisters who shot to fame pioneered... the women's rights movement

Emmeline and Charlotte Pankhurst. Oh!

Emmeline and Charlotte Pankhurst. When are we going to have that pickles

Ken?

Question number 38.

The correct spelling of Promulgate.

It's P -R -O Omulgate.

Question 39.

The capital of Chile is Santiago.

Yes!

Question 40.

The name of the dog who found the World Cup when he went micking in 1966.

The answer is... Pickles.

I told you.

Pickles. Right, now does anybody want any of those repeating?

Number 32, please, Ken.

No problem, gentlemen.

That was a three -part question, wasn't it?

All right, let me see.

The answers were A, Blue Peter, B, Wheel of Fortune, and C,

This Morning.

Yay!

Right, now then, my lovely assistant, I'll come amongst you and collect all

papers. I shall have a look at them afterwards and make sure there's been no

fiddling. And then shortly, we will announce the winner.

Oh!

Can't you see the man's suffering?

Talk about he's sensitive, but I don't know.

Do you need any change, Duffy?

No, I'm all right, thanks, Ken.

Hey, I was talking to Tony, you know the lad that fills it up. He reckons he's

got more to them records.

Oh, right.

After the lover's gone, love on the rocks, and alone again, naturally, he's

the lot.

Oh, good, yeah.

Trouble is, this is just your luck.

The prices go up on Friday, 30p a play.

One door opens, eh?

I don't care.

It's only money.

That's it, Spirit Duffy.

Good lad.

It's all right now, lads.

Right, it's nine, Prince Ken.

Give it here, miss.

Let's both have a laugh.

Oh, I do enjoy the paper. Number 16, what did the Romans call London? They

the smoke.

Yeah. If there was anything in this set... It's come down well, though, the

quiz, hasn't it? As it bows.

There's only three more people in.

One of them works for me. Another one's my mother.

Old Tommy's right. If my mum and Winnie have another drink, this night's going

to end up costing me.

At least when the pub's closed, I know I'll be breaking even.

Oh, you just need to give it more time.

It's a good job Duffy's a broken man, eating the top shelf.

He's only in keeping us afloat.

I tell you, if he wasn't in here drowning his sorrows, I'd be drowning

the canal.

Oh, don't say that, Ken.

I'm not joking, either. No, don't. It'll be all right.

You'll turn the corner soon.

You think so?

I know so.

Your look's going to change soon, fella, I promise you.

How do you break that off?

You're just going to have to trust me, that's all.

Thanks, love.

We've won this queen of what?

Hooray!

Well, piss off, then.

Hooray!

What's going on?

You don't want to know, Jean.

What do you like about it?

Hey, we'd give him something to talk about if we went out for that drink. You

promised me, wouldn't we?

I would, yeah.

I'll, um... I'll get back then, should I?

Yeah, OK, love. Yeah, right. Yeah.

We'll be great when we get our own place, won't we?

Fantastic.

Waking up together every morning in our own home. I can't wait.

Go to bed together every night. I can't wait.

Do you have to think of anything else?

Not when you're around.

Not yet.

Don't be daft. You're downstairs doing that quiz all night.

Did you, er, manage to get anything?

I got the one about pickles of the dog.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention, please.

It's the one you've all been waiting for.

Oi, and didn't you notice it?

grapes pub quiz.

If you've enjoyed it, tell your friends. That's if you've got any.

Because we're doing it all again next Monday.

Right,

the results are as follows.

The winners of the booby prize, a bucket of peanuts, with one correct answer,

are the individuals

See you, Ken.

Oh,

yeah, pickles.

Well done, AJ.

Now, first, second and third in reverse order.

In third place, with 20 points, Old Tommy.

And I've got the flu.

In second place, with 29 points,

Tanya, Debbie and Nicola. Let's hear it for the Golden Girls.

And the winners, with 31 points...

again. Come to daddy.

Let's hear it for...

I must have left them upstairs.

I'll go up and get them.

Don't worry about it, Kim. We'll pick them up tomorrow.

We'd better get off.

I don't want to be here if a riot breaks out.

You sure? Yeah, we'll get them again.

Oh, hang on.

I'm second thoughts.

If my mum sees them, they've been out left by tomorrow.

Just give me a minute. I'll nip up and get them. All right, Kim. Whatever.

He's given them the answers, haven't he? The creeping son.

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