Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the stars, captivated by the world beyond.

You are alone.

It's my world and you've grown.

Holiday time.

Come on.

Where have you been?

Get your watch fixed.

Bloody hell, it's a fun buy three.

Oh, when you were telling me Sheila Crabtree's husband's died.

59 he was.

Melanie, 59 he was. Oh.

No age, is it?

It's 59, isn't it? Yeah, but it's no age.

She were planning to do for his 60th, apparently.

Gonna be a big surprise.

Sounds like he beat her to it, then.

Oh, you'll end up just like your father, you will.

£1 .54, Tommy.

Never trust a man with a purse.

Lost me money rolling out of me pocket.

I've lost millions down the back of them seats.

That's my holiday money, that, Tommy.

There you go.

£1 .54.

If you want to take that, they might be £1 .55.

Sorry, Claire, that's beautiful as shit.

Is it being to the table that keeps you going, Tom?

He was a right type, sorry.

He dropped 5p in here, didn't he?

If he's down that quick, it's him on the back of the head.

Brother's not too clever, either.

It is a shame.

Oh?

Sheila Crabtree is under constant care.

He's got, um...

Call it now.

What do they call it?

Anyways, really poorly.

Goes in to work with him to an hospital for a few days when he gets really bad.

Last time he were in, Sheila got to visit him. When she asked what ward he

on, they'd no knowledge of him.

What do you mean?

Well, they'd got no knowledge of him. You mean they didn't know where he was

the hospital?

Yes, they had absolutely no knowledge of him.

Absolutely no knowledge of him.

They said he was a clerical error.

What? He'd been misfiled.

Sheila were beside herself.

By the time they found him, visiting time was over.

Never heard of that before.

Absolutely no knowledge of him.

You still sleeping in the box room, Joe?

Yeah.

She's not forgiven you yet, then?

No. It's going to take a while, that, innit?

Yep.

You can see it from her point of view, Joe.

If Sarah had caught me, she'd have thrown me out of the house.

I know, I know.

I regret it now.

I've never done it before, though.

I was just drunk and stupid that night.

If you can convince her it was just a one -off, with any looks, she might come

round.

Yeah.

I mean, you can't be the first bloke to wake up in the middle of the night still

bloodied and pissed in the wardrobe.

I know.

Tried to talk to her last night, but she hit the roof, stomped off, slamming

doors, the monster.

Work. Thought Michael Flatley had moved in upstairs.

OK, we've called.

Hi, Winnie, love.

Hello, Ken.

Hello, lad. Hi, Winnie. Hi, Winnie. Heard about your little accident, Joe.

did laugh, didn't we, Ken?

I told you, in confidence.

It's only Winnie.

Why, what have I said now?

Nothing, love. Is me mum expecting you?

Yeah, I rung up earlier.

Pop up, love.

Are you all right?

Yeah, smashing, Ken.

You know, we're running up them stairs.

Sitting down or what? Oh,

he's just ruined it, hasn't he?

All right, Ed. Hi, Eddie.

Hi. Hey, you've done it to me a couple of times.

What? Peed in the wardrobe. It's no wonder she's annoyed.

Bloody hell, who haven't you told, Ken?

There's nothing worse than going out with your clothes smelling of urine.

Oh, I know.

Do you have anyone, Tommy?

Oh, you're all right. I've just got one.

Shall I leave you one in the pump for later?

No, I'll stay on me own.

Right -o.

Oh.

All right, Ken?

Right as ninepence, Eddie.

Yeah.

See, still got them temporary traffic lights up at the roadworks, Ken.

See, the thing is, they're letting more cars up Esketh Street than they are down

it. Oh, I love these, Winnie. Thanks a lot.

Happy birthday, love. Would you like one?

No, thanks, love. You eat them.

Will they be taking you out tonight, then, your fella?

He's cooking me a meal at his flat. Oh!

Alzheimer's.

What?

Sheila Crabtree's brother. That's all he got, Alzheimer's. And he's just come to

me. Oh, I am pleased about that.

Would you like one?

Oh, thanks, love.

See the face you love lighter.

With Terry's all gone.

Do you know who else is poorly?

No, who?

Norma Titishaw's husband, John. Do you know him?

John Titishaw?

No. I know her, but I've never met him.

You're not likely to either.

Who is it, that bag?

Well, they don't think he'll come out.

Oh, poor love.

Well, I bet she's devastated, isn't she? She is.

She said he's just lying there waiting for the end. She was on her way to

hospital when I bumped into her.

Oh, dear.

What would you find to talk about in a situation like that?

I don't know, Jean.

She said she just sits by his bed and reads him his horoscope.

Hiya. Hiya. All right, girls, what are you doing here tonight?

Head up, she's been cancelled.

It smells dirty.

Is she going out? Has she not rang you?

Yeah, don't worry, she's wrong. We know it's cancelled, but my husband doesn't,

does he? I'd never get out of the house if it weren't for this and empty empty

bin. Oh, I see.

So it's two gin and slim lines, is it?

Oh, please, Ken. And a couple of bags of pork scratchings.

Coming up. Do you want a bag as well, Tanya?

No, go on.

Tanya, what night are you working for me this week?

Friday and Saturday.

Right. Why didn't you take the aerobics class, Ken?

Are you checking the piss?

Aye, so are you. I won't mind a workout with you.

Steady on, Debbie.

It's no wonder your husband won't let you out.

All right, I'm coming.

Why has she left him for that idiot, I'll never know.

Lovely and clean.

Come in, lad, to make yourself comfortable.

We'll be with you in a tick. All right, Ken, no rush.

Usual. Yes, please, Ken.

Hiya,

Mum. Can you send Mel down, please? Pinky and Bertie are here again.

Right, thanks.

You'll have to cope on your own again tonight, then, will you?

Yeah. Nothing new now, is there?

Well, I could hang on till later, if you like, when I'm doing nothing.

If it gets busy, I'll help you out.

Oh, you don't have it, thanks.

I'll come behind there and give you a lift if you want, Ken.

You're not like Debbie. I'm Alice.

That's a shame. I've always fancied giving your landlord's bell a little

You couldn't afford me, love.

All right, lads. Who's the dude?

Oh, mine's the bitter. He's driving tonight.

Who, lads?

So how are you, Ken?

Everything all right here?

Fine, no problems.

Hey, before I forget, four weeks on Saturday, we're having a day out from

We'll be all right for half the time when we get back, won't we? Oh, aye, no

problem. But remember what we said. Keep the curtains closed, will you? Oh,

definitely. So where's this day out to, then?

We go on the yacht races for the day, then at the night we go to the bamboo

dancing club.

Bloody hell.

It's not just twin cheeks, is it?

Have we seen them? I'll say. We had the station Christmas, too, that cracking

night. We had a ball.

Hey.

Hey.

They're not real sisters, you know.

How do you know? I looked them up on the database at work.

Oh, bloody hell.

They're not even related, Ken.

Hey, you won't spoil the magic for these lads in here, will you? No, I won't

send out.

We've got some tickets left if you fancy it.

Oh, I'll say. We'll have a bit of that.

Hey, to the regiment!

I wish I was there!

They were a good one yesterday, they were nice.

Oh, well, aye.

What's this?

Oh, this be God is true, this is. What?

We were on desk duty down at the station, weren't we? Yeah. This woman

to report a flasher.

What's funny about that?

Wait a moment, you're not heard yet.

All flustered she was.

She'd been walking back from the post office, and this bloke pulls up beside

and starts asking her directions.

He's got a map in his lap.

Oh. Anyway, she's telling him the way.

Next thing, he pulls the map away.

He's got his bloody todger out. The dirty get!

I know.

So she shrieks, he speeds off.

Anyway, she's telling us all this, and we're having to write it down for the

report. Yeah.

And she's given us a good description of him.

And then I says to her, and you've got to ask this, by the way, was he in a

state of arousal?

And she says, no, he was in a Ford Escort.

Bloody hell, we cracked up.

Even she had to laugh when we explained it to her.

Who was he?

Oh, bloody old Ken.

Two sausages, gammon, pineapple rings, lamb chop, steak,

onion rings, mushrooms, peas.

Have I missed anything out, Eddie?

Tomato cut with a zigzag edge. Tomato cut with a zigzag edge. £4 .99 a lot. No

fried bread? No, but still, £4 .99.

Cracking value, that, Joan.

All on a big oval plate. All on a big oval plate. You should have seen the

turn when they brought it out.

They were green.

It was too much for one person, really.

I ended up giving my pineapple to Eddie.

Kind of lovely.

Hey, we had a bit of good luck on Tuesday, didn't we, Nige? Oh, yeah.

this? Yeah, it was about ten o 'clock at night, this was.

The alarm starts going off at Comet in the centre of town. Oh, yeah? So they

a call out for anyone in the vicinity.

Luckily, we were just around the corner in Burger King, so we downed a milk

chase and shot off. Turns out someone had broke in, but they scarpered when

heard us coming. We were first on the scene.

Was there much taken?

Not until we got there.

Oh, I see, yeah.

It's a shame we weren't in the Black Mariah.

Can't get along in them panda cars, you know. Yeah, we were sat on boot trying

to close it when the CID boys turned up.

Did they see it?

Did they?

Balls. Balls. Them plain clothes clouds. They couldn't spot a robbery in a

strange way.

We had six toasters and a food processor in the back seat. They never saw them

either. Bloody hell.

So where's all this stuff now, then?

In his flat.

If you were in my lounge now, you'd swear I'd just won on the generation

Nobody bothered about calories and cholesterol in the old days.

We didn't give a toss.

Not now, though. I know. You've got to be dead careful now.

You liked it, you ate it. It was as simple as that.

He's right.

Nowadays, it's fat -free this and fat -free that. It's all a bloody con.

It never did us any harm.

It's like a lamb chop. You know, the best bit of it is the fat.

Don't be so stupid, Eddie.

Sorry. It's all the same, though, these days, isn't it? Everything you enjoy,

they're telling you is bad for you.

I know.

Booze, ciggies. You can't win.

Well, they're right about the ciggies, though, Joan.

Bad news, ciggies.

I enjoy them, though, Duffy.

My grandad smoked 60 a day all his life from being 16.

Did he? Yeah, and he liked to pint ciggie in one hand, pint a beer in the

He never worried about it. He just got on with his life. That's right.

He knew how to enjoy himself, that fella.

It'd be a good laugh, then, were he, Joan?

I don't know, Tanya.

I never knew him. He died when he was 32.

A couple of nice food processes in there as well.

Anyway, as I say, we'll bring the full listing and anything you can tell at the

bar, we'll give you 10%. Right.

I'll see you soon then, lads.

You're not in the motor?

No, we've got the Black Mariah till Sunday.

You're not expecting a new raid on Comet, are you? No, Armand is moving

we'll give her a lift.

I'll see you soon, Kev.

Better get off.

Crime can't crack itself.

I'll see you soon, lads.

And take care.

Is your jungle out there?

Well, Melanie's always wondered about her real dad, hasn't she?

Well, yes, she has, but it's only recently she's been serious about

meet him.

I kind of hoping to find him.

He's the one that gave that name at agency.

Doesn't her mother know where he is? She wants something to do with it.

Don't she?

Well, it broke her heart, didn't it, when he ran off leaving her pregnant?

Typical man.

That's what I can't understand, you see, Winnie.

She knows what it's like, and yet she's done exactly the same.

She's run off and left our Kenneth with a broken heart.

Typical woman.

She weren't caught until she met our Kenneth.

On her own, with Melanie, just a baby.

No father to support her.

Took on a lot, did our Kenneth.

Well, he's brought her up, hasn't he?

Of course he has.

I'm surprised he's helping her find him. He loves her to bits, doesn't he?

Well, I think in his heart of hearts he's always known that one day she'd

to find a real dad.

Hmm.

Doesn't he mind?

He says he doesn't mind, but he's not kidding me.

Every year when it's mine and Melanie's birthday, he puts £20 in her card.

This morning, she opens her card, there's £40 in there.

Now, what does that tell you, Winnie?

He thinks more of her than you.

No, he's spoiling her, isn't he?

And this is why.

Oh, I see.

Oh, you do annoy me sometimes, Winnie.

And you've missed a bit on that mirror.

Is he looking after you, this one?

Yeah, great.

You like him, don't you?

Yeah.

He's better than the last one, singing detective.

Dad, a bit of dandruff, that's all.

A bit of dandruff?

When you came home with him, I thought you'd brought Edmund Hillary back. Don't

be tight.

I remember your mam offered him a couple of sprouts.

He shook his head. I thought he was going to be in Avalanche.

Hi, Donny. Hi, Janice. They're open to cancel this week. It's Mal's birthday.

I know. I've just come in for half a drink with girls.

Oh, good on you. A girl gives you a brain, doesn't it? You enjoy yourself,

Finger jaw.

I've got no money.

Couldn't borrow us a few quid, could you?

Bloody hell, Janice. I've spent all my benefit money on Calvin.

So you should.

25 quid for one ear pierced.

I've only got a fiver left.

And that's for his baby food.

You wouldn't want me to spend that, would you?

Here, 20 quid. Oh, thanks, darling.

That'll go.

Hiya. Make sure the baby gets to them at all. Of course I will.

There you go.

You can have a pint of cider, whatever these two have in there. Some change for

us to give me here in place.

Hey, Janet, I'm surprised you didn't bring the baby in for us to mind.

Why? Do you want to borrow a pair of his pampers, busy pants?

Why don't you put it on News 10, Ken?

You seemed stumped up that morning, didn't you? Guilty conscience, was it?

Worried about your son?

Don't talk daft. That's why she's coming in here, you know. Because she thinks

you're the father.

Even if you're not, it's you she wants as the father.

Who's she, eh?

Anyway, she won't think he's mine.

Sucked precautions when I went with her.

Fair enough, then.

Told her I'd have to snip.

Fancy a game of cards, lads?

Why, yes, all right.

Come on.

10p a corner, telescope's down and no swan necking.

Hey, I've got two more for the day trip.

Who's that, then?

Hello, Nige.

Oh, what have you brought the Chuckle Brothers for?

Have you seen the queues coming out of Yacht Races?

We're not going to get stuck in a tailback with two traffic cops on board.

Ooh, hey, clean desk up. Nice one, Ken.

All part of the service.

All eyes on you.

All right, son.

Hiya, Liam. How you doing? All right.

Happy birthday, gorgeous.

Hey, pack it in. We're not licensed for that in here. You're going to give old

Tommy a heart attack.

You watching, Tommy?

Yes, please, aye.

Hey, full price. There's no student concessions in here, you know.

You haven't won yourself, Ken?

Oh, hell no.

Quick, someone throw salt on him. Thank you, young man. I will have a glass of

the finest bitter in the north of England.

Well, you're not stopping in here, then, Ken.

I'll turn that radiator off in a minute.

That's the only thing keeping him alive.

The fact that they made that a pint is that good?

You're going to be done with that one.

I'm going to search one chicken.

He said, no enough about that, lads. You've had enough dogs in your time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a minute. I've been with some beauties in my time,

lad. Yeah, and he got receipts off some of them. Hey.

Hey, it's an over.

Come here.

Yeah.

Come on, I'm Big Boy's Beano, or what?

Big Bo... The what? Big Boy's Beano. Day out at York Races, Ben.

At night, the Bamboo Club.

Comedian, pole dancers, couple of sisters of the art. What are they called

again, Ken?

Twin Chiefs. Then?

Back here for a lock -in, eh, Ken?

Just sorted it out with the blood.

Are you up for it or what?

Aye. Aye, but who do you think?

Don't worry about that. We'll sort it out in a day.

Oh, erm... Well, aye, all right, but, listen, Mum's the one.

OK. You're going to have to tell her. She's bound to find out. I bet no -one

bathed again.

Good lad.

You could count on you, pal.

Right, lads, I'll see you later, OK?

Right,

Duffy.

You to go.

I'm stuck in, Ken.

Yeah,

I'm stuck in as well, actually, Ken.

Bloody hell, I'm jinxed, mate. Look at that. Jack, Queen, King.

Look at that, Ken.

He must be looking low.

Oh, yeah. Me and Dennis, that's you.

Have you had a good day?

No great, but it's getting a lot better now.

Hey, steady on, Charlie, Charlie.

Listen, I was speaking to my mammy earlier and she was bursting to meet

What are you saying?

Oh. Well, she wants to know if you're good enough for her wee baby boy.

Oh.

Well, I'd love to meet her.

Well, hang off just now. We don't want to disappoint her just yet.

Cheeky son.

I'm only joking. I'm sure she'll love you.

Well, it depends on what you've been telling her.

You've got a wee thing in your eye.

It's an eyelash.

You'd better make a wish.

What do you wish for?

I can't tell you that.

If I tell you that, then it won't come true.

Well, if it's the same thing I'm wishing for, I hope it does.

Another, my love?

Yes.

Are you having one, Tommy?

No. You stay on your own. You're in a round.

It's your what?

Yeah. It's not so good, babe.

Here, smell it.

Can't tell, Tommy. Don't suck mild.

That's why there's nobody in.

That big lazy pig, he don't look after his ale, does he?

Doesn't he?

No, he's to visit playing cards with them two creeps over there. And they'd

out as long as they got after time at weekend.

Melanie's a nice enough girl, but she's clueless when it comes to pulling a

pint. Clueless.

It makes you wonder why we bother coming in here, doesn't it?

Hope you aren't smoking in here, Liam. You've seen Ken Stein, haven't you?

No, if you like, yeah. Aye.

Are you stalking me?

Turn it in, will you?

Here, listen, just go on the big boys beano thing every year, Mags. Oh, aye,

never miss.

Aye. Yeah, it's a good day out, Liam.

I'm not falling to it, like, but, to be true, I've never been to the races. I

don't quite know what it's like, do you know what I mean?

I mean, Big Law's been a couple of times, and he says it's cracking, but...

My granny and grandad used to always teach us that gambling was the fastest

to hell and the shortest road out your bed.

Whatever happens.

So anyway, don't want to lose too much money, but I suppose it'll be all right,

yeah?

All righty, lads. I shall.

Two years later.

The jamming get.

He could have someone's eye out with that.

Dad, we're going in a bit. Can I take a bottle of wine with us?

Bloody hell.

We'll take it out the hour of work tonight.

Hour? What hour?

Ten minutes more, like. Go on, it's your birthday, innit?

Go on, then, bugger -lugs.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

I'll see you right when I get my glasses.

I'm just going to change my shoes and put a bit of lip here.

Did you see that scruffy guy?

Too tight to put his hand in his pocket and buy him a bottle of wine.

I don't know what she sees in him.

Bet he hasn't even got her a decent present.

I bet he has, Ken.

20p.

Go on, I'll go 20p.

Yeah, go on, 20p.

Er, go on, I'll raise you 50.

50p?

50p.

You've been looking at these cars while we've been in the bogs, haven't you?

Have a balls, come on.

Yeah, right.

I'm back in. So am I.

No wonder I was playing cards with you two.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't be cheating then, should you?

I wasn't cheating.

He was. I saw him looking.

You played.

Yeah, he saw me die, yeah.

I was supposed to play cards with Moldoff and stack that on my back.

Come on, get him down again.

Pair of wimps. Come on.

Feel again.

No sign of a truce after the Wayne the Wardrobe incident, Joe.

I don't care anymore. I'm sick of apologising.

Well, if you want my advice... Here we go, Denise Robertson. All right, please

yourself. Come on, then.

You want to take her a couple of bottles of that Bacardi Breezer back?

They love that stuff.

A couple of bottles of that and a bit of grovelling from you.

Before you know it, you'll be back on the slot machine.

It's your pot time, three bells, hold your plums and lock. No way.

It's got to be worth giving it a go, Joe.

Oh, well, that's the kind of thing you'd do, innit? Turn chicken, go in there

waving the white flag.

I don't have to, pal. I'm not the one that's stuck in the box, am I? Yeah,

I'm sticking to me guns.

I've done enough grovelling and that's final.

Can we let this drop now?

Well,

it's up to you, son, but if you don't do something soon, you'll have pissed on

your chips.

As well as her shoes.

I wonder what he'll be cooking for you, love.

I don't know. It's a surprise.

How long have you been courting him now, Mel?

She can tell you in days, minutes or seconds, Winnie. Oh, like that, is it?

lovely. It's about a month now, Winnie. Yeah, well, you enjoy it while you can,

Melanie. It's a lovely time, this.

Till the bubble bursts, and it will, won't it, Winnie? It will.

Still, it's a lovely time.

Oh, I remember when I first met your grandad.

God rest his soul.

As soon as I set eyes on him, I knew he was the one for me.

Did you, Nana? Oh, yes.

Oh, it's a wonderful feeling, knowing that you've just met the man you're

to spend the rest of your life with.

He was going out with your sister at the time, wasn't he?

I'll see you later, ladies.

Bye, Mum.

I'm gonna get off. Can I get you one back before I go?

Little is it, Duffy? Yeah, go on.

You have me one, Ken?

Oh, you're not that cock. I'll stay on my own.

Okay.

Can I get a pint of bitter before you go, please, ma 'am?

Yeah.

And, uh, can I have a couple of bottles of a Cardi B, sir?

Cardi B, sir?

Who's drinking?

There is a wealth of mirth for you to enjoy from One Foot in the Grave to

Night. Just two of the delights on offer in the Classic Comedy Collection.

Available now on BBC iPlayer.