Original subtitles

You want a crisp, Tommy?

No.

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the stars, captivated by the world beyond.

You are alone.

This is my world.

You've grown

No one can believe it here.

Yeah. Well, I'll see you on Thursday.

Yeah, bye -bye.

Thursday morning.

Ten o 'clock it is.

I still can't believe he's gone.

Yeah. He didn't look well last week, but no one expected this.

I'm going to really miss him.

Go and get yourself upset again, Joan.

You had a good in his old, didn't you?

Yeah. I hope I live that long.

Well, I'll never see another like him.

He'll be up there now looking down on all of us, having a little smile to

himself. They're always so bleeding stupid, Eddie.

All this fuss over her mother's bloody tortoise.

You've got no heart, Tommy. He was like part of the family.

Aye, I can see the resemblance.

Just you ignore him, Joan.

Oh, did it die, Joan?

He didn't wake up and walk off the mantelpiece, did he? No, it's a bit of a

mystery, really. We went round to my mother's on Saturday and it was as right

rain, wasn't it, Eddie?

Oh, very playful, Joan. Then we went round again on Sunday. We've had to go

round to my mum's a lot recently, haven't we, Eddie?

Oh, yeah, she's having some personal problems.

She's had her bag fitted.

You know, it's a cliff.

Anyway, he was different again then. He seemed to be very down and withdrawn.

Yeah, he wouldn't come out of his shell.

Then on the Monday, we got the phone call we'd been dreading.

Sounds like suicide, John.

Is it leaving out?

Unnecessary, Ken.

Hiya. Hiya, hiya. Hiya, Tanya.

All right, Tanya, love?

Yeah. Oh,

please, Ken.

I'll get this.

Oh, thanks, Ken.

I hope you're staying late tonight.

Why? What's happening?

We're having a candlelit vigil for Joan's mother's tortoise.

What? It's hard to know what to say, isn't it, Tanya?

Rory, I'm sorry, Joan.

How did it die, love?

It's a mystery.

He just lost her will to live.

I know how it feels.

Why don't you just buy your mum a new tortoise if she's that upset?

Well, it would do, but you never get two the same, do you?

We ended up following through.

Dear me, you poor thing.

Oh, it just about cut my week off, that.

Why? What's to do?

Oh, it's not me. It's him downstairs.

Who, Ken?

Yeah, it's not himself.

When my Ken is not right, I'm not right.

Well, he seemed all right to me before.

Well, he seems all right to everybody.

Well, I know he's not. I'm his mother. I can tell.

What do you think it is, then?

I think he's under pressure from brewery. How do you mean?

Well, I think he's worried that if bar takings don't improve, they'll consider

closing this place down.

No, that's nonsense, Jean. What's got you thinking like this?

It's not nonsense, Winnie.

Don't you know you may?

It's a mother's intuition.

A mother can tell when something's not right.

Well, you should know.

You knew when there was something wrong with your Darren, didn't you?

Long before police got involved. Yeah, I'd rather forget that time if you don't

mind, Jean.

Yeah, I bet you would.

But you kept your mother's intuition to yourself, didn't you, Winnie? I didn't

want to upset anyone.

No, no.

Even when he brought home that plasma screen TV for your anniversary.

When you were out to work, you still kept your intuition to yourself, didn't

you? Yeah, I know Darren was a bit of a tearaway, I'll admit that, but that was

a long time ago, Jean. He's changed since then.

Oh, that's a blessing.

Yeah, he's been as good as gold for the last couple of years.

Touch wood.

Still, you can't get into much trouble in strange ways, can you?

Hiya. Hiya, Deb.

Give us half a cider, please, Ken. I'm gagging. You haven't one, have you?

No, I'm all right.

Ken's just got me one.

All right.

£85, please, Debbie.

Just finished work, Debbie.

Yeah. Kids in the car.

Yeah. Ooh, yeah, give us two cokes and two packets of cheese and onion as well,

please, Ken.

Right. Is Beryl back in work yet?

Yeah. Her back's all right now, then, is it?

I don't believe there's anything wrong with it in the first place. She's a

hypochondriac. I think you're probably right.

She was agoraphobic for six months, wasn't she? Until they had that chip pan

fire at home, and then she was the first one out of the house.

4 .20, please, Debbie.

How's your mum coping with her bag, Joan?

All right, but she's a bit upset at the minute because she's just lost Fred at

her tortoise. We were just telling these.

Don't ask.

Well, at least she's got all her other animals to keep her company, hasn't she?

She loves her two cats, doesn't she? Brooklyn and Romeo.

Yeah.

Debbie's right, Joan. I mean, Dopey's handful on his own, isn't he?

Who?

Dopey. A little stracy tucking.

Funny, isn't he, John?

Oh, yeah.

Dopey? What sort of a name's that for a dog?

It's a funny story, actually.

He was only a little puppy when she found him, and we couldn't think of a

for him. But every time Eddie took it for a walk round her estate, all the

would shout, Ey up, here comes Dopey! And it just sort of stopped him, said

Eddie. Oh, yeah, smashing kids.

It really caught on, it did. I only had to go to the shops on my own. I had to

be saying, have you not got Dopey with you?

Salt of the earth, they are.

There you are. Hi.

Hello, Dean.

Hey, Joan.

Hiya, Dean.

All right, Dino? Not bad.

So, Carmel, how are you doing the usual?

Oh, I did the usual, please, Ken.

Good lad.

You all right, Joe?

Did you back the horse I told you about?

No, I couldn't get it to the bookies. Why? Did it win?

Did it pause it, Ken, lad?

Bloody hell, again?

You're useless.

It was winning for most of the race, apparently.

Must have stopped and smiled at the photo finish.

Yeah. Either that or Pavarotti with jockey.

There you go, son.

Lovely.

Now, you're all right?

Oh, cheers, Kev.

So, why are you off, then?

Oh, we're just going to go and see a... A real dad?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, she hasn't seen him for a couple of weeks, has she?

Well, when you see him, give him these.

Oh, yeah, of course I will. I've already got one of these for him.

Hey!

That's my boy.

He's a pain in the arse, though, Ken.

He's got me doing me. All right, son, you've got your three pints.

Yeah, but I was thinking about after time as well. Yeah, think again.

Don't you use the old police round Lowfield Road at weekend?

No. Oh, why? What's gone on? Don't know.

Swarming with them, it was.

Hey, you don't think they've set up an incident room for Joan's mother's

tortoise, do you?

Oh!

Unnecessary, Ken.

Hey, there was an armed robbery today and all at the petrol station on

Did you hear that on the news?

You'd be a copper today.

I wouldn't be a bobby. I mean, all the horrible things they have to deal with,

drugs and raids and murder.

Do you know what I can never understand?

Johnny's writing.

No, it always puzzles me. What?

You know when they find a body in the river or the lake or something, and they

don't know who it is, and the police have to identify them by their dental

records? Yeah.

Well, how do they know who the dentist is?

Maybe Ken's not worried about the brewery. Maybe it's his love life that's

causing him to worry.

How do you mean?

He hasn't got a love life.

There might be one in the offing, though, Jean.

What are you talking about?

I hear Tanya's got a sight set on him.

Tanya? What, Tanya downstairs?

Tanya downstairs.

Never, never.

What, does he like her?

I don't think he dislikes her.

Rubbish. He's bothered about this place, not that woman.

You can't be certain, Jane. You might be wrong this time.

Well, I'm not.

Look, it's here.

In black and white from brewery.

Oh!

Hey, I tell you what, I'll never doubt your powers of intuition again.

This is nearly word for word what you was thinking.

This is addressed to Ken, strictly private.

Did he show this to you, Jean? Well, not exactly.

But I'm sure he would have wanted me to read it.

Right. Look, while you're up, pop it back in his bedside drawer for me, will

you?

Hey, where's Duffy, Joe?

Is he coming in?

I don't know, Dean.

He said he's going to try, but it's crisis talks at his house tonight.

Oh, is it?

Yeah, they both took a couple of days off work to try and sort the marriage

Oh, dear.

Yeah, it's all come to a head.

She's owned up to having an affair at work.

Oh, heck.

Does she know about his mistress, the pot -bellied pig from Presswich? Don't

ask. She's found a couple of his mucky Polaroids in his jacket.

Bloody hell. So what did he do?

Well, he had no choice then, did he?

Did what any self -respecting bloke would have done.

You told her they were yours?

Yeah. And did she believe him? Well, she might have done if he hadn't have been

behind her on a couple.

So he's owning up, then?

I think so.

I feel sorry for him in a way, though. I mean, he means no harm, and I think she

overreacts. I mean, she told him she wanted a divorce that time, didn't she?

Just because she caught him flirting with a couple of nurses.

She was giving birth at the time, Joe?

No. Do you think she knows about him going with Janice?

I don't know.

Do you think she'll know about him going with me?

I didn't know about him going with you.

It was only the one time.

It was either that or walk home.

Bloody hell.

Do you think she'll know about him going with me?

What?

Only joking.

I knew that.

Dear, if you don't, do you think I'd better ring Janice and warn her just in

case? Not unless you've taken any uncompromising photos of her.

I'd better ring her then.

Hey. Bloody hell.

It's the one that he's got time for in the fair with all the photographs he's

taking. Does he do weddings, Joe?

Only I know a couple who are struggling for a photographer.

Oh, don't be so bloody stupid, Eddie.

Right -o.

Yeah, I wouldn't like to be in Duffy's shoes now.

I know.

Could lose everything, couldn't he?

I tell you what, it's made me realise there's nothing more important than your

family. You've got to put them before everything else.

They are your top priority.

Are you stopping for another one, Joe?

Please, Ken.

You'd better give us a packet of crisps as well, pal. I've missed my tea now.

Right.

That'll be sick and sick.

You go and see to him. I'll get the drinks.

Right, love.

Will you take that away and give Mel a buzz for us?

Tell her I've just come in. Yeah, when I've done this.

Hello, lads. Come in. All right, Ken. All right, Ken. Good to see you.

Go and sit yourselves down.

Do you use them up? Please, Ken.

A bitter and a cold, please, Tanya.

Yeah, I've already done them.

Thanks a lot, love.

Here you are, love.

Cheers, Tanya. Cheers, Tanya. You're a good one, you are, love.

Cheers, Tanya. You're welcome, lad.

It's Thursday night.

Oh, I need a drink tonight, Ken. We've had a right day of it today.

Have you?

Why, what's been happening?

We just caught three scumbags in the last hour.

What were they doing?

One fella on the Lowfield Road.

Doing 33 when it's clearly marked 30. Idiot.

And some pillock parked outside the chemist on Town Street. Two bloody

the pavement. Yeah, we pulled up at the lights opposite the garden centre.

There's some clown in front of us with no registration plate on his bloody

trailer. It gets worse, Ken. I know.

What about the armed robbery on Kingsway?

Armed robbery?

Armed robbery?

When did this happen?

Hey. Hiya.

We're looking forward to seeing you all day.

Aw, have you?

Yeah, quite a bit of place.

Ticky. So, how's your missus, Jo?

Oh, my missus. Been a bit worried about her, to be honest.

Why's that?

She's been coming out with all these fancy ideas about us improving our

of life.

What, like?

You know, decorating, maybe getting central eating put in. Weird stuff.

Oh? Thinks he's fell in with a bad crowd at work.

You know what I found in a shopping bag the other day?

What, what?

Organic veg.

What's all that about?

I wouldn't worry about the organic veg, Jo.

I think it's just a fad like vegetarian food or yo -yo.

It's a bloody con.

Everybody had organic food in the old days.

I remember when they first started using additives and preservatives. They told

us it'd make food last longer, but we'd have to pay a bit more for it.

And all the dopey tarts like you and I fell for it.

Now we're going back to the old ways and they're charging us more again.

We're going backwards in the coin of progress.

They're taking all the additives and preservatives out. You're getting less

you had before, but they're charging you more for less.

And in 30 years' time, when we're all organic, they'll be saying, this stuff

isn't lasting.

It needs preservatives.

And everyone will say, that's a good idea, but we'll have to pay more for it.

So what we're doing is paying more for going back to how it was in the first

place, when you had to pay more for getting less than what you ended up

which cost more than when you had less.

That's why me and Joan come in here, you know.

It's the only place you can go where you can hear anybody talking any bloody

sense.

Do you want after time every night this week?

If it's OK.

The thing is, I sell more beer after I've rung that bell than I do before.

It's like a starting pistol to this lot in here.

If I closed on time, I'd be broke.

You want to think yourself lucky, Ken.

Landlord of the Oaks has been telling us that the brewery said if he didn't

increase his takings, he might be closed down.

I know.

How do you know?

Because he wrote to me and said the same thing.

I've been on to the area manager today.

Bloody hell.

You told the punters?

I haven't told anybody yet.

They haven't got their hearts.

It's the not knowing, though, isn't it?

It is. Is that all they've left of you?

Pretty much.

That's bloody disgusting, that.

You'd rather know, wouldn't you?

You need to make plans one way or the other. It's not too much to ask, is it?

You've every right to know. Is this place closing or not?

I bet you're feeling it now, Kent.

Oh, yeah.

And it would have to be here in the Oak. Our two favourite boozers. Just our

luck, this is.

Well, we'll have to see what can be done, Ken.

What do you mean? Have you fellas got any influence there?

Even if we had, Ken, we couldn't say.

Oh, fair enough, lads. Yeah, and even if we did have any influence, for you or

the Oak, we'd have to remain completely impartial.

You know what I'm saying, don't you, Ken?

A large whiskey?

Please, Ken.

I've got an espresso malt here just for you guys.

Wasted on that riff -raff out there.

No, I'll just go and get that. Help yourself.

Hello?

Yeah, this is the grapes.

Very busy, no? We're not too busy, are we?

Well, come in here and do a bit of work and stop creeping up them copper's arses

then.

Oh, leave him alone.

I'll do it.

Thanks, love.

You're bad.

To the regiment!

To the regiment!

Sorry about that, lads.

Don't worry about it, Ken.

It never ends.

Do you need some black and a pint of bitter, Eddie?

Oh, please, Mel.

Are you having one, Tommy?

No, thanks. I'll stay on my own. Oh, righto.

Who's that?

It's me. It's me.

Sorry.

Bloody mobile phones.

They're not welcoming you. Neither are you, but it's not stopped you, has it?

Bloody hell, it's Kev.

Hello.

You know where I am? I'm in the pub.

I told you I was having a quick drink with Tanya after work.

Yeah, well, I'm hungry as well, but you'll have to wait half an hour. It

kill you, will it?

Look, do you want another packet of crisps and a Coke to tide you over?

What about your sister?

Right, OK.

And you'd better not be smoking them dimps in the ashtray again, you lickle

I'll be out in a minute.

Worst thing I ever did was buy that ungrateful little bugger a mobile phone.

Two packets of crisps and two Cokes, please, Mal.

Right.

3 .24, please, Deb.

Oh, I'm gone. Sorry, Mel. You'd better make it one coke and two straws.

Yeah, don't worry about it. I'll only charge you for one, don't be telling me

that, though.

Oh, thanks, Mel.

Oh, bloody hell, I forgot my own. Give us half a cider as well, please, love.

It were a goldmine, this place, when my Jimmy, God rest his soul, ran it.

He'd be spinning in his grave now.

You had him cremated, didn't you?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Oh, they were a grafter, though, my Jimmy.

That's how we made this pub work.

Always busy behind that bar.

Oh, I know.

Any other barmaids would have told you that.

He never let you work behind the bar, did he, your Jimmy?

Always seemed a bit odd, what with him only ever employing women.

He didn't need my help down there.

He did it all.

Oh, he was very hands -on.

Isn't that what one of them said in the witness box?

That was never proved, Winnie, and you know it.

Right.

Sexual harassment.

It was just being friendly.

That's a landlord's way.

It didn't help being plastered all over the papers, though, did it?

Well, she went running to them, didn't she?

And they went into such detail.

It was a pack of lies.

In your mucky cellar, of all places.

It were completely innocent.

That's why they threw it out of court.

It was her word against his, and she had no witnesses.

He had her over a barrel, didn't he?

I think that's what she said in the paper.

Look, it's got the watermark and the silver strip running through it. Oh,

they're crafty bastards, Ken.

Is this the first one you've seen?

It is for a while.

I've never had one as good as this before, though.

Busy Friday night, innit? Get one of them passed over the bar.

Wouldn't spot it with a magnifying glass, would you?

No chance.

So, how many you having then, Ken?

£1 ,200.

Probably worth thinking about, Ken.

Go on then, give us a dozen.

Pleasure to do business.

There you go, Ken.

One makes 12.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, Dad, we're getting off now.

Right, love. We're going to be late.

All right, you want to see your dad?

Dean was telling me earlier.

You're my dad?

Don't mind though, do you?

You work?

Hey, while you're there, why don't you mention you're 21st?

I mean, it probably won't be his thing, but she'd be fancies it anyway.

Yeah, I will. Oh, thanks, Dad.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you, love.

See you later, Dean. See you, Ken.

Yeah, with a person and all, Ken.

Yeah, better than everyone in the oak.

Yeah, just a quick one, though. We're going to get up the old folks on one new

bridge lane, aren't we? Oh, no, it's not been broken into again, is it?

Oh, no, my mum's put a bit of cottage pie on for that, see.

Don't want to get in cold, do we?

You're right, lads.

All right, come on, then.

Come on, come on. Crack it down.

The world's gone mad.

I blame it on the television and all this new cookery crap they put on.

It's like Delia and that pillock from Sainsbury's. He was on again last night.

He's never off. Cooking up another pan full of shite that nob's you'll eat on

his bloody mates.

I turned over and there's this bunch of nobodies locked in house and we're

expected to watch them eat, sleep and talk crap.

I wouldn't care as soon as they say anything interesting they put a load of

bloody bird noises on.

I flicked over again.

Pelly was on. Oh, I hope this is all right.

Next thing, he's going on about erection problems.

I tell you, the whole bloody world's gone mad.

I thought you'd have been interested in all that, Tommy.

I mean, the last time you got stiffy was the Queen's Silver Jubilee, when we had

beer on in here at half price.

He soon went down, though, when I tasted it.

Tommy's right, though. I've seen that advert. You don't want to think of Pelly

like that.

You want to remember him on Rivelino's shoulders, holding the World Cup,

delighted, not sat on the end of his bed, holding his World Cup willy,

dejected. Must get one in the morning, though. All blokes do.

I'll sit upstairs on the bus. All right, upstairs on the bus. Bloody hell, and

I've been sat downstairs all this time.

That's why you never saw Pelly when they were paid in that World Cup trophy on

the open -top bus.

He was on the back seat with his missus striking wildly iron socks.

That's why Brazil won it so many times.

No wonder he was so bloody good.

You'd play your heart out if you only got a knock -off every four years,

wouldn't you?

Hey, there's always Viagra.

How long does it take to work that stuff, Ken?

I've got plenty of lead in my pencil. I've just got nobody to write to.

Tanya's getting the bus home tonight, Ken, if you're interested. I'm sure she

wouldn't mind going upstairs, if it'll help.

I've never seen my Eddie flaccid. Have I, Eddie?

I'm the complete opposite. I'm seldom soft.

And yet, I can't play football to save me life.

Must be something, innit?

He's got a point, hasn't he?

Right, go.

Hey, up, it's David Bailey.

Bit of Duffy.

And a large brandy as well, please, can you?

All right, like that is it.

How have you gone on, Duffy?

Oh, I don't ever want to go through another day like that again.

Why, what's been said?

Well, it's all come out today.

I was 100 % honest with her.

Did you tell her about Jannie?

99 % honest.

Did you tell her about me?

98 % honest.

Hey, but I did tell her about the Mr. Stolcina.

That's when it all came out. Turns out she's been seeing her boss for nearly 12

months.

Cheating cow.

Oh, heck. Are you all right, Duffy?

Oh, I'm fine, no problem.

That's life, innit? You deal with it, you move on.

So have you left it?

Well, she still thinks we've got a chance.

She just said to me there, I want to make this marriage work, Nigel.

Who? It's my real name.

What did you say?

I told her.

I'm not sure if we can make this marriage work.

There's a lot to take in here.

I said to her, I need some space to think about this.

I need some time away from you and the kids.

Right now, at this moment in time, you've got to give me space.

I need my own space.

She's left the answer, Duffy.

Yeah. Oh, dear.

I've got a lot to say, Duffy.

4 .25, please, cock.

Things will work out, Duffy.

I just feel so bloody stupid.

Don't worry about it, Duffy. It'll be all right.

You're amongst friends now.

425, 430, 450, 55, 5 to 10.

10 to 20.

Thanks, Ken.

Don't worry about it, Duffy.

We'll get back together again.

She'll come round.

I'm not bothered one way or the other now.

I've still got my pride.

It might be for the best.

If you're absent from each other for a while, you can grow a fonder in your

heart. There's an old saying about it, but I can't remember how it goes.

Do you know it, Joan?

Is it the one about the stitch?

Aye, you might be right.

Don't worry, Duffy. It'll all work out for the best.

She'll probably come back.

I don't want her back.

I told her.

It's heartbreaking at first, but time's a great healer.

I had my heart broken by a man when I was younger.

Oh, did you, Joan?

He was a lot older than me. Promised me the world he did.

Told me he'd be a millionaire soon and that when he was, he'd buy a big yacht

and name it after me.

What, Joan Bell?

No, don't be daft, Jo. It was before I was married. I was Joan's citizen at the

time.

Oh, right.

I was head over heels, I was.

I didn't see it coming.

My mum and dad told me to be wary of him. But love is blind, isn't it?

He told me that he'd make me his queen and we'd live in a palace.

And I believed him.

I was smitten, you see.

Then one day, without warning, the phone call stopped.

I went round to his flat. He was empty. He'd gone.

What happened, Joan?

Had he left you for another woman?

No. Sadly, he'd been sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

But all's well that ends well, cos shortly after, I met my Eddie. Oh.

Bloody hell.

Out of the frying pan.

Oh.

Get you up, will you?

Yep. Go and put my feet up now.

Right, I'll see you next Tuesday, love. Yeah, see you Tuesday, Ken.

Oh, I am sorry about your wife leaving, Duffy.

Oh, don't worry about me, Winnie.

I'm stronger than all that.

Well, maybe she'll come back, eh?

Not you and all.

You're all missing the point here.

I don't want her back.

Once I knew how she felt, I said to her, look, there's the door, go through it

and don't ever come back.

Get your stuff and you can take anything you want out of this house.

But there are two things you will never take.

That is my pride and my dignity.

Anyway, Winnie, how do you know?

Oh, I went past your house earlier and saw you lying down in front of the

removal van.

From the News Quiz to The Now Show and Dead Ringers, put on satirical fun with

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