Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the stars, captivated by the world beyond.

You are alone,

it's my world, you've grown.

Anyone?

Go on, Tanya, I'll have a couple.

Hey, it's not the Guinness Book of Records.

Most important meal of the day, this is.

I reckon it's costing you now.

Any more toast, Elio?

Coming up.

Have another bud for his mouth?

Well, showing off, is he, out with the big boys? Aye, I tell him that. I'll tie

him on the minibus as well as off it.

Leave him alone, he's going on one of life's great journeys, this fella.

He's going to go out with his pubba boy and come back a man.

When's it your turn, Ken?

Well,

I think we'll all have another drink, please. I'll get these boys.

I don't want one, Ken. I'll stay on my own. I don't want to get in a round.

You're all right, Tommy. You don't have to get me one back.

Oh, go on, then. I'll join you.

Can I have a packet of crisps as well, please, for later on, Melanie?

Bloody hell, Tommy. It's not Harwich Festival.

You give them an inch.

Nice bit of bacon, this, Kev. Is it back or middle? I couldn't give a shit,

Eddie.

Nice and lean.

Hey, Kev, is it lean back?

You having that, lad?

Is it lean back?

Lean back for breakfast, lad.

Come on, Eddie, just settle down now.

Anyway.

Well, I know you're leaving a bit late, aren't they? Pinky and Perky. I bet they

don't come.

We're better off anyway without Starsky and Hutch, aren't we? Of course we are.

Well, I hope they come.

Oh, we're swagging them off. I know.

It'll make minibus cheaper for us if they do.

Yeah. It's a bull police, isn't it? Throw her around when you need them.

Bollocks to them anyway, eh?

Yeah, bollocks to them.

To be honest, how soon are they drinking the oak all the time? Why don't they?

Well, they don't like the landlord.

It's a bit of a creeping get.

What?

Well, I'd rather we just pay more than they don't come at all. Hey, sticky

bullets, you haven't paid anything yet.

Yeah, he's right, though, isn't he? Hey,

you know why they're not coming, don't you?

Why?

I'll have a bit, sir. You all right?

Bill?

Lay that too, please, Ken.

Melanie, can I have two pints of better, please, for the guys?

You all right, gents?

Aye, aye.

What about some breakfast, boys?

We've got some nice pork sausage here.

Whatever you've got going, Ken.

Yeah, whatever you've got, Ken, keep it coming.

There you go, Ken.

What's this for?

Oh, if we can't find a parking space near the race course, we can make our

can't we?

What did I tell you, lads? The British police...

The best in the world.

Nice one, lads.

Hey, it's a cracking top you've got there, Ken.

You're a bit big for a jockey, though, are you?

You're not doing your maths today, lads?

No, we've got our bit, Ken. Yeah, we're not bothered. You never get to see the

game properly anyway.

Tony's a bit sick, though.

Who? My brother, Tony.

He's a fan. We sneak him in every week. Nice, sneak down the front.

He's not too happy about being in a wheelchair for 90 minutes.

We get us a free parking space.

Get to see the match for now?

I can't grumble then, can I?

Dougie got up to go for a piss last week at our time.

Nearly throttled him.

Shouted, praise the Lord.

Try and cover up for him. A few people sussed it, you know. Had to wheel him

down the other end.

His mates at work, they didn't have to take the piss when they found out what

was going on.

Well, didn't they find out? He didn't tell them, did he?

No, but there's a picture in the evening news of him and a few others shaking

hands with Jimmy Sammel before the match.

I can't wait for the bamboo.

Twin cheeks.

Hey,

these fellas have already seen him, haven't they? Yeah, we have.

Can you pick up a pound coin between the cheeks of your arse?

the bugger back.

Oh,

they're the best twin cheeks, aren't they?

When we were there, one of the CID lads was mouthing off, you know, you know the

type. Oh, yeah. Anyway, the girls got sick of it after a while, they dragged

up on stage and they cuffed him to the pole in the middle.

They're dancing round him, all over him, he's laughing it off.

Next thing, they de -bag him.

Trouser's wife runs along.

He's running round that pole like a bloody whippy, trying to get his undies

back, I'm thinking.

We were rolling around laughing. You know what I call him at work now?

Inch high private eye.

That's now, Tim.

He's got a bun mushroom.

Hey, it's all the policeman's balls at the policeman's ball.

Hey, how you having that, fellas? The policeman's balls at the policeman's

Now, that's it. One more and we're leaving you here.

I hope.

You're set for your big day?

Mm -hmm.

You're set for yours?

Bit nervous.

What time you meeting him?

Half past eight.

You don't wonder if he'll look like you?

Well, probably.

He's my dad, isn't he?

He's got to be a good -looking guy, then, isn't he?

Yeah, listen, I can still come with you, you know.

No, it'll be all right. You're going to enjoy yourself.

Yeah, I need to do this on my own. All right.

Don't you worry, you'll be fine.

Yeah. Listen, we're going to the races, but he's back the one of the day.

Oh, thanks.

Just love that, isn't it?

Think so?

Oh, must be.

Holding hands when you're not even on your holidays.

Hey, I know you've organised this doing everything, Ken, but would you mind if I

sat up front with the driver?

Eddie, nothing would give me more pleasure.

The thing is, Ken, I was having a look at my map last night and I'm pretty sure

he's going to go M60, M62 and the A1 straight into York.

Well, he'd be right then, wouldn't he? Because that's the way.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You see, that's a popular myth that is, Ken, and it's not

right. Bloody hell, Eddie. You know the traffic lights down at... I'm not

listening. As long as we get there.

Oh, I'll definitely get us there. Make no mistake.

Good.

You see, the thing is, Joe, he'll know about the temporary traffic lights at

Samuel Street, but he won't know the quickest way around them, will he?

Whatever, Eddie. He's here now.

Hey! Eddie, what do you want?

Oh, yes, sir.

Eddie Bell.

Ah, yes, as in ding -dong. Here we go. It's all happening here, boys. Come on,

sub up and get on the coach and fasten yourself in, because the big boy's been

out. He's about to take off!

the refreshments, gentlemen, because I have a nice crate of ale to load on,

courtesy of the brewery. Oh, nice. Ken? Yeah, well, they don't know about it

yet.

Right, have you all finished?

Have you got a bit of foil, Tanya?

Yeah, why?

Could you wrap me up a few sausages for later on? Bloody hell, Tommy, we're

supposed to go and watch them race and we're not feeding the buggers.

Come on.

Hey, put it down on your soppy sod and get on the coach.

I'll see you later, all right? Good luck to you as well.

Have a nice time, love.

I'll be thinking about you, love.

Thanks, Dad. Right, come on, boys, stop up.

Here we go.

Don't forget, Tanya, we open at 12 and 5 .30.

You ring that bell at 11 o 'clock and they all go home.

And I'll ring your neck if you don't get on that bus.

Listen. What?

I think I can hear the lads in the oak. They're talking about our day out.

You must have slung them out early.

I bet you'd better sit dinner down, the lady's son.

Sex bomb, sex bomb.

You're my sex bomb.

You can do it to me when I need to come along. Sex bomb, sex bomb.

You're my sex bomb.

Maybe you could turn me on.

What's all racket about?

You've warmed me up now.

Sorry, ma 'am. We've got to be at Manchester Airport for half eleven in

morning. Have you forgotten?

I don't want you still drunk on that plane.

It's all right. John O 'Jim's got a taxi there at seven o 'clock.

Oh, not in his brother's ice cream van again.

He reckons he knows how to turn the tune off now.

I've left your travelling clothes on your bed.

Had a good day, then, have you?

Brilliant, Jean.

Were it good at Bamboo and all, then?

No, not really, Mum. It wasn't our cup of tea.

No, no good, Jean, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Waste of money. Right, keep noise down. I'm going back to bed.

All right, all right.

Hey, what's she like?

Mum?

There's nobody back.

She'll be here soon.

She rang earlier. They've been for a meal.

Did she say anything?

No, she were on and off.

She'll be fine, though.

All right, now then. Night, lads!

Night!

I thought we'd get some free bubbly. I didn't know he'd drag you up on stage.

No, I didn't like him at all.

Eddie, will you shut up about that bloody driver?

I was only telling him he'd taken a wrong turning.

He slammed the brakes on on purpose, nearly killed me. I promised Dad the

collection for him.

He should have definitely took a left at that first roundabout. No two ways

about it. Whatever, I'm having a piss.

Right, boys, these are on the house.

Do you know what he said when I handed in that collection?

Thanks. No. Shove it up your arse.

He didn't, did he? Oh, I just left it there and walked off. He shoved it after

me. I'm sure you know the quickest route to it.

Bloody rude he was.

Get these curtains shut, will you? We don't want the police fooling the party.

Liam's on them curtains, will you, mate?

Back bomb, back bomb.

You're my back bomb.

You can go.

OK. Here's a list for this.

Have we told Duffy yet?

Not his missus playing away?

No, not yet.

Still not sure.

What do you know, Joe?

Nigel just told us one of the lads sitting in the boss's car doing a drill

Townford. And you're not sure?

What more do you want?

You'll have to tell him.

How can I tell him? I can't do that.

I'm his best mate.

Exactly.

All right, all right, I'll tell him.

Definite. Yeah.

Shake on it.

I'd rather not, Ken.

Bloody hell, it's you you shite heart.

Oh, come on. I can't be the only one who's won. Who's up and who's down?

I'm up.

I'm down.

I was down after the races, but I was up at the bamboo.

I've got something to tell you. What?

A couple of nights ago, this was.

You weren't in, Joe.

Just after chucking out time, it was.

Ended up walking Janice home.

Went up to her flat for a night chat.

I knew it wouldn't be long before you were knocking her off again.

No, no, that's what I'm saying. If you let me finish, she won't let me.

I've done my best, like, but, uh, it's not me she wants anymore.

It's you.

Bloody hell me!

I know. That's what I thought.

That's what I thought, I know.

How did you know?

Can you tell me?

Hey, definitely in love as well. I had all the real cheers.

How do you know that?

She don't want to let me get her tits out.

Bloody hell.

You're playing with fire there, Duffy.

Hey, uh, I've got something to tell you and all, mate.

What?

Well, you know next week when your missus is going on that conference with

boss in Bolton?

Yeah.

You know, just down the road.

Yeah.

And she's stopping overnight?

Yeah.

Well, I feel a bit bad about this, like.

But, um... What?

Can't look after your kids when you go to Trina's.

Bloody hell, is that all?

Don't worry about that, pal.

I'll have to see to something else, Al.

How stupid can I get?

You alright, Duffy?

Forgot to take Robot Wars.

Bloody hell.

You caved in there, didn't you?

Well, I didn't see you jumping up, Spartacus.

Eh?

Hey. Johnny, hey, Ken.

You forgot your cigs, dickhead.

Hey, twin cheeks.

Well, what about Tommy?

Head first in Silicon Valley.

What was that close up, Tommy? I don't know. I had cream all over me glasses.

It looked like a pawnbroker's side.

Right, well, I'm going to cap the night off with a nice cigar. Would anybody

like to join me?

Are these part of the round, Ken?

Bloody hell, Tommy. You've got more cheat than them two buggers we've just

Thanks, Ken.

Cuban or Havana's, Ken? King Edward's. Oh, named after me, eh, Ken?

You want one or what?

Yes, please.

There you go, mate.

Here you go, buddy.

Here you go.

There you go, mate.

You chop down that.

Thanks, Ken.

There you go.

Suck that bowl.

Nice one.

Bloody hell, Eddie, what are you doing?

Oh, unlucky third light, Ken.

It wouldn't be for you if you do that again.

Oh.

Oh, Eddie. Lovely, Eddie, eh?

Good job.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Mm. Mm.

Nice. Mm.

So, Lee, took it out for a meal, eh?

Aye, well, he owes him one, doesn't he?

He owes him a lot more than that, son.

Aye.

What's all this? What are you on about?

You know how Melanie?

Yeah. You know she's not mine, don't you?

Yeah.

I mean, you fellas all know that, don't you? Oh, aye, yeah, yeah. It doesn't

matter, Ken. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, Eddie.

Too good -looking to be yours, Ken.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, she's got to meet her real dad tonight. She's never seen him before.

Oh, ick.

I'm not bothered.

I mean, I suggest you contact him.

All right.

Mind you.

I didn't think she would.

I wouldn't have suggested it if I'd known that.

You're all right. Nothing to worry about. Yeah, you're fine.

I'm not worried.

It's a bloody shithouse.

He got my ex -missus pregnant, and then when he found out, he shot off like Ben

Johnson.

Spinalist. Get.

He took her out for a slap -up meal tonight.

He hasn't given a shite for 18 years.

She'll not be impressed.

She'll see through that, won't she, Liam?

Aye, definitely, aye.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Definitely.

Yeah, yeah.

She's my will, that girl.

And you all know that, don't you?

When I brought her up.

And you've done a good job and all.

Yeah.

She pulls a smashing pint, Ken.

Yeah.

She's my daughter.

She always has been and she always will be. Yeah.

She'll not be impressed, will she, Liam?

No.

Are you sure?

How was it with Ken?

Anyway, we've had a bloody good day, haven't we, lads?

Beating away at you, Ken. All that on your mind. Let it drop, Eddie.

Righto.

Nice cigars, Ken.

Right, now then, now then.

Right, I have a letter here from Ken Dixon of the greats. And it says, Dear

Jimmy, could you fix it for me and my mate to get pissed as farts at your

Right, right.

Pop a right eyeful at the bamboo.

And have old Tommy get a round of beers in.

Things even Sir Jimmy cannot fix.

Here's your waddy waddy.

Here, hurry, hurry. Who's this?

Who?

Monica Lewinsky.

Have you got one, Tommy?

Come on, City. Come on, the blue boy.

You can't be a City fan.

I'm not doing a fan. I'm doing Malcolm Allison. Him and Joe Mercer. Best

managers they've ever had.

I remember that team.

Bell, Lee, Somerville.

Charlton, Lauren, best over Old Trafford. Great days. That was the

football. Aye, and a damn sight cheaper and all. You need be on a footballer's

wage to afford to get in these days.

Yeah, you're right.

But the golden age of football was just after war.

They played the bloody arts, out for a tanner and a satsuma at half -time. Oh,

he's right.

Love of the game them lads played for. Not love of money, it's ruined game.

It's ruined you.

Yeah,

look, I don't know what he's talking about, boys. I reckon football's better

than it's ever been.

Premiership's best in the world.

It's great, Bob.

There's no characters in the game now. They're all the same nowadays.

They had some fun in the 70s and 80s.

Not just on the park, but off it as well.

Agreed. I mean, look at Bestie.

Miss World's coming out of his ears.

Loads of money in the bank.

Partying till dawn the day of the match.

Why, yeah, the fifth Beatle. They were real stars then.

What about David Beckham? What about Beckham? Captain Sensible?

Settled down, married with a family.

I mean, that's no example to set to teenagers, is it?

He's right.

They want to be out with Bestie.

Pouring that perimeter champagne.

Miss World tickling your arse. This week's wages on a neddy.

That's premiership football.

Well, I prefer the entertainment on the pitch.

Hey, no man's playing better on the pitch than Bestie.

Nobody.

He'd run rings down at first half, get an hat -trick in the second.

Hey, I need to have scored at half -time.

Hey, with Miss World.

It was all football who organized them back in the 70s, and we don't want any

days back.

It still goes on. Don't kid yourself, son.

We just got it under better control. That's all. You have, lads. It's all

to surveillance.

Closed -circuit TV.

That was the big breakthrough.

The beauty of it is they've got absolutely no idea you're watching them.

wouldn't believe the amount of talent goes to football matches these days.

Bloody hell.

In the summer, that control room's crammed full of bobbies. They're queuing

outside. You've got some job you lads, haven't you? Well, it has its perks.

I didn't notice you complaining. We've got you all in the races for now.

Oh, no, no. You did well there, lads.

Yeah, you're right.

Should have put a complaint in, though, like we said. Yeah, we should. They're

thoughtless, aren't they? Bad planning. There was no proper wheelchair access at

all. I mean, I didn't see a ramp all day.

Oh, crossing that racecourse was a bloody nightmare.

If St John's Ambulance lads hadn't pushed us out, we'd still be stuck in

mud. Yeah.

I've got blisters starting on my hands. You got them watching Twin Cheeks.

Look on the bright side, though, lads. At least we didn't have to queue for a

pith.

Melanie's leaving, ain't she?

She'll be here soon, Ken.

Ah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, what a cracking day we've had, eh, lads?

Oh, yeah!

What a great day. You can't beat a bloke's day out. Oh, I always enjoy the

crack, as you know.

A lot of people think Eddie's a man's man.

And they're right. I enjoy the banter. You fellas can vouch for that.

Yeah, but to be perfectly honest, Eddie's just as comfortable with the

What are you on about, Eddie?

Ladies, yeah.

Give them the patty, you see. Oh, they'll love it.

Do you love to wear the patty to your feet when you finally piss off?

Oh,

necessary.

I'm bloody starving, mate. Have you got any sarnies left, Ken?

I could eat a sandwich.

Bloody hell, Sammy, you've done that all day. Haven't you got any sausages left

in your pocket? I think I saw him trying to get one out of the bamboo until the

bouncer's got a grip of him.

I've only got crisps. I'll have cheese and onion, then.

Something here for me, please, Ken.

And a round of drinks and all that.

these out of me winnings. What?

Hey, I must be K -line, lads. I'm sure I heard something. See, I'll get the

drinks in.

No. No, no. You said you were getting the drinks.

I'm only getting the crisps.

Oh.

I'm not made of money.

Thank God for that. I don't think me heart could have taken it. You getting

around then.

So that's one cheese and onion, one salt and vinegar.

Anybody else want a bag?

Oh, yeah. That'll do it, Tommy.

Boom.

I can see you are a man of distinction, a real big fender.

Good looking, glorified.

When you like to know what's going on in my mind.

I like to do the point, boom, boom. I don't fuck my car, but I have a dream

I see.

What's he doing with that cigar?

Choking mostly.

You're in luck, Melanie.

Tommy's getting the crisps in.

No, he's not.

It's been that kind of day, love.

You had a good time, then?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've had a balding day.

What about you, love? How have you gone on?

Great, yeah. It went really well.

He's been worried sick about you. Not now, has he?

Oh, right -o.

Do the lads know?

Liam said somebody's had a few drinks, you know.

Anyway, there's nothing to hide, is there?

They're all pleased for you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. So what was he like anyway, love?

He's nice.

Yeah.

Oh, great.

He took me for a meal at Dimitri's.

Dimitri's, eh?

That's good of him. Not cheap there.

No. He's lovely.

And, er... Will you be seeing him again?

Definitely, yeah. We really got on.

All right.

You know I'm delighted for you, don't you?

I know how much this means to you.

Thanks.

You only get one, Dad.

You're mine.

I wish I was there!

It's a small world and you grow.