Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rusting through the stars, captivated by the world's beyond.

You are alone.

It's a small world and you've grown.

Thank you, Tanya.

I'm just going on the toilet, Eddie.

Oh, number one or number two, John? Number two.

Oh, why not? Don't rather her so you treat yourself.

Oh, she's a gem.

Tell you what, though, Tommy.

Don't know what she's been eating, but she's got one or two that's been there

for two days now.

Just when you think you've got rid of it, floats back up again.

How's your mother there?

Oh, Nellie? Oh, don't ask.

She's getting worse.

Her boiler packed up on Saturday. I had to go round and sort the plumber out.

Yeah? Oh, she was half cut.

11 o 'clock in the morning, this was.

Anyway, she makes me a tuna sandwich for me dinner.

I knew it was a mistake.

Why?

Well, she opens the tin... And drains the juice off into the bloody cat ball.

Oh, no.

Of course, that sets them off, doesn't it? Bloody hell.

She's making me sandwich. They're up on the breadboard, five or six of them,

like bloody piranhas. I can't wait to chew them while she's trying to spread

on me butty. I said, not your fingers, Nellie. Use a knife, for goodness sake.

You didn't eat it, did you, Eddie?

Oh, I wish I hadn't, Tommy.

Went through me like a portion. Oh,

dear me.

That's the plumber I feel sorry for.

He was only a young lad.

He finishes the job, goes up to the bathroom to check the hot water, and

sat on the bog with the bloomers round her ankles.

Don't mind me, son, she says.

Bloody hellfire.

She should be at home, Tommy.

You're right, she should.

Will she not go in one?

No. She's too proud.

Hey, what about that time when you was younger and we talked to your nanny into

going on a big water slide?

Oh, yeah.

It was like some off -dam buses, wasn't it? The big bouncing bomb. You were

singing too.

As you come off that, you looked like a sumo wrestler, didn't you?

She was picking the cottage out of her ass for weeks.

So, the ball's in his court, then, is it?

What?

Your dad, like your real dad.

Yeah. He's got my number now, so it's up to him whether he wants to ring me or

not.

I hope he does.

Yeah, so do I.

Why don't you come away with his love, eh?

We'll have a ball, you and me.

I don't know, Dad.

Come on.

You can't leave me on my own for a fortnight with Mrs Doubtfire.

You haven't seen a bag of Maltesers, have you, Kenneth? I can't find them

anywhere. What do they look like?

Oh, don't be funny. Have you seen them, Mama? No, Mama.

Well, they were here.

They were here next to me crunchy bar.

Well, where's your crunchy?

Well, I ate that earlier.

Well, you probably ate your Maltesers then, didn't you? No, I was saving them

for me bath.

I don't know.

Well, somebody's had them.

Bloody hell, Mum, what do you want me to do? Ring Crime Watch, see if they'll do

a reconstruction in case it jogs anybody's memory?

Don't be facetious, Kenneth.

Well, have one of your blocks of chocolate.

I'd set me heart on Maltesers.

Anyway, doesn't matter.

I'll go without.

I'm not bothered.

Is Basil Gummys coming round tonight?

No, not seeing him tonight.

Good girl.

Family bag it was as well.

They're your favourites, aren't they, Kenneth?

I've not had them.

Hey, here you are, ma 'am. See if you can help us out with this.

I think I've gone wrong here.

Right, 16 across, four letters.

Engine IT found in the bottom of a birdcage.

Grit.

Oh, where's my rubber?

Oh,

don't be stupid, Kenneth. Hey, the only stick in the bottom she fell for, eh?

To the regiment!

I wish I was there!

I wish you two had grown up!

That'll do for me.

Who is it?

The mistress, Trina.

She'll have to go round there now. She's gagging for it. Is she?

Yeah.

Hey, she's no stunner, Joe.

But she'll have all her kit on, so that takes your mind off it, doesn't it?

Bloody hell.

To be honest, I'm surprised to do it in her size.

Still, Biggie's beautiful.

I don't get it, though, Duffy. You've got a lovely wife at home.

Yeah, I know, but she's really horny, though, Trina.

I mean... There's not many women who'd let you take mucky Polaroids of them, is

there? Not any worth the salt, no.

She never wants to show her faith in any of them.

But to be honest with you, that suits me down on the ground.

She's not got much self -respect, though, I see, to do that.

It's only a bit of fun.

Bit degrading, though, isn't it?

When are you going to let us have them back, anyway?

Can you hang on till next week?

Well, whatever.

I said I'd lend them a couple of lads at work, you know.

So, cheers.

What does she look like, anyway?

Do you remember Benny from Crossroads?

Maltesers? No.

Have you asked Ken and Mel?

Yeah, I'm positive.

No, I can't see anyone handing them in, Jean.

Well, if they do, I'll let you know.

Yeah. All right, then.

All right, then. Bye.

What is the man on about there?

What? Have I seen a Maltesers?

Bloody hell, she's nothing to you about it now, is she?

That's why I've come down.

It's like the Nuremberg trials up there.

She's got four melanies in the dock now.

What, for a bag of Maltesers?

Eh, for a family bag, Tanya.

This is serious.

She'll be dusting for Prince now.

Hello, Tommy. You all right, son?

Can't grumble again.

You could have fooled me.

Mild, is it?

Well, it's supposed to be.

See what I mean?

There's nothing wrong with my beer.

I look after it, and I like him up at the Oaks. He's good stuff.

He should be on prescription to the doctors, my ale. Oh, constipation.

Don't you encourage him.

Joe? Hey.

Guinness, bitter?

Please, Ken, yeah.

How are things at home?

She's still not talking to you?

No, she's talking to me now, but through the kids, you know. Ask your dad if he

wants any gravy.

Does he want a cup of tea? That kind of thing.

We've all been there, mate.

Shamrock.

If it makes you happy.

How's your mum keeping, Ken?

Don't ask.

She's lost her Maltesers now, as well as her marbles.

Still, we'll be lost without them, won't we?

Oh, yeah.

My mum would still be dressed in me if I let her.

You sold him yet?

Who? Duffy.

Got his wife lying away.

I buy balls.

She might not be. I'm only surmising. That bloke my mum saw us shopping with

might just be a brother or a friend.

You're just jumping to conclusions.

You are, you mean. You started it.

Anyway, he's just as bad. He's off to see the mistress in a bit.

Oh, bloody hell. They deserve each other, then, don't they? Exactly.

And what about Janice?

What about Janice?

I'm sure that baby's his.

That's why she's coming in here all the time, isn't it? Because she's in love

with him.

Does he think she's in love with him?

No, he won't have it, but it's obvious, isn't it? He'd have to be a bloody idiot

not to spot that.

It was 4 .20, Joe.

Hmm. Hilarious, Ken.

You reckon he's right about Janice?

Oh, yeah, he's right.

She is in love, she told me. And you would have to be an idiot not to spot

Yeah, well, Duffy is an idiot.

No, Duffy's not the idiot, Ken.

It's Joe.

Bloody hell.

Well, I'd never know.

No, some men never do.

Ken, Ken there. Ken there.

Hello, Ken.

Notice anything different?

Hello, Joan, Eddie.

Bloody hell, you two look smart tonight. What's the occasion?

It's the wedding anniversary, Ken. Is it?

Well, congratulations.

19 years today.

The great train robbers didn't get that, eh, Ken?

There's Oscar Wilde coming.

Hey, are you having that, Tommy? Hey, 19 years we've been together.

The great train robbers didn't get that, eh?

I've heard it before, Eddie.

Millions of times.

Right, Owen. So what's your secret, then, Eddie?

Always be honest to each other. That's the first thing.

All right.

And tell your lover at least once a day.

Oh, make your mind up, Eddie. It's one or the other.

Oh, well, that's a secret.

Oh, I think it's lovely.

So are you going anywhere now?

Just in here. We might stop for some chips on the way home. Well, yeah, I'll

push them back, so eat your heart out.

No. Is that what you're doing on your wedding anniversary, then, Eddie?

Coming here and then going for a bag of chips?

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

It's hardly romantic, though, is it?

Show her how much you love her, Eddie. Throw in her face.

A family bag, Winnie.

They were here, on the sideboard next to me cruncher.

Oh, it is odd.

It's like the Bermuda Triangle, this house, Winnie.

Well, I've got my suspicions, but I'm not saying anything.

Yes, I do.

Well, there is favourites as well.

Well, he's always scoffing something. It wouldn't surprise me.

Anyway, love, I'd better get off.

Only, please, camera action's on in a minute and I want to finish reading me

obituaries first.

Well, sadly, there's always someone in there, you know, ain't there?

Yes, and I hate wasting Christmas cards.

Okay, love, take care.

Yeah, bye.

What are you grinning at?

You think?

Has he had my Maltesers?

You know, don't you? I don't know anything.

Sticker Steve, you two.

Did you hear that?

Feeds.

Hey,

is Bass Q okay?

Q, why are you not going playing Scrabble with her, are you?

Hey, the missus is going on a conference from work in a couple of weeks.

I can't bloody wait.

You sure she's going on a conference?

Yeah.

Well, if she's not, well, if she's not going on a conference and she's up to

same tics as you... Ah, I said I wouldn't go up to anything.

I mean, how would she be able to face the kids without on a conscience?

You tell me.

I mean, you're doing the same thing, aren't you?

No way.

Women mean it, don't they?

It's different for blokes. It means nothing.

They just want to play the field.

But women... Women are different, you see.

Women are like swans, Joe.

Oh, you're right there.

I was after your bloody bread.

No, but I was telling Tommy. She's definitely lost her marbles, love.

Who? Your mother?

Oh, yeah.

She's lost the plot completely, Tommy.

My, Edith went like that.

There's nothing you can do.

Every song that comes on the radio, she thinks it's about her.

Three times a lady came on the other day. About me, this one, she said.

I mean, Lionel Richie's never even been to Whitting Shore, has he?

She's in a world of her own.

It's sad, isn't it?

Oh, I've told you.

She should be at home.

You're right, she should.

That was a good one where my Edith ended up.

Springbank on Newbridge Lane.

Oh, was it expensive?

You know, a lot of them are.

No. No, it's state -run. It don't cost a penny.

That's why I chose it, really.

That's good, then.

They ask you to make a contribution to help out, but you don't have to.

I set up a standing order for £3 a month.

Did you?

Well, you've got to keep these places going, Eddie. It's run on a shoestring,

and they really looked after Edith.

Oh, well, we'll have to have a look there, then. Yeah, you should, do you?

You'll probably see our Edith's name in the Remembrance Garden.

Will we?

Oh, yeah.

They pour a little plaque up amongst the flowerbeds for all them that pass away

in the car.

She died in there, did she?

Oh, yeah.

They looked after her right up until the end.

Must have been an upsetting time.

Yeah, it was.

1st of June, 1998, she died.

He didn't really hate me till Christmas.

Well, they do say that Christmas is the time you really miss him.

No, it's not that, Eddie.

I'd not cancel my standing order.

You all right, love? Yeah, I'm just taking a bag of crisps for Nana, trying

get her mind off the Maltesers.

What's she like, eh?

Listen, Dad, don't say anything, but it was me that ate the Maltesers earlier

on. I was starving.

Oh, I know.

How do you know?

Because the wrapper was still floating about in the toilet after you'd had your

bath. Was it?

I had to fish you out before the chocolate monster seen it.

Thanks for not saying anything, Dad.

That's got to be a worse one.

Hey!

And I hope that was just a couple of Maltesers that was floating about with

Dad!

I'll get these, love, don't you worry.

Oh, you won't.

And Carol's smile has kicked in far more important than this.

It's a raid.

Oh, maybe Phil and Nige come to bring your hat back.

What hat?

The one that you left up their arse the last time they were here.

Don't push it.

You won't like me when I'm angry.

Woo!

I'll bet you I would.

All right, fellas, good to see you.

Nearly have me there again.

All right, kid.

Right, it's now, Prince.

Here's one, lads.

Thanks, Ken.

Just a quick one.

Fishing in the cove, please, Tanya.

Right, Tony.

You just finished in?

Don't finish till midnight.

Just come on. We're on our way over to a woman's house on Selby Street.

She's just been burgled.

We'll just have these and then rush round there.

She was out at work. Some strokes got in and cleaned the place out.

We've told her to make a list of everything that's been stolen.

Well, that's one less job for us.

I hate riding.

We'll get round there in a bit when she's stopped crying.

Playing clothes lads will do a bit of dusting for Prince, you know, if show

willing. It's all a bit pointless.

We'll go through the motions, Ken.

In the end, you just feel like doing them for wasting police time. We'll not

anyone. We'll end up lobbing the list into her bin as soon as we get outside.

That's it, they're robbing us at Nick's.

Yeah.

Oh, cheers, Tanya. Thank you. There you go. Cheers, Tanya.

We can't cope anymore, Ken.

There's too much on our shoulders.

It's the government's fault, isn't it? Too right.

What we need is more coppers on beat, not wasting time pen -pushing in the

office, out here in the bloody thick of it.

Cheers, Ken. Good health.

Can you put Mummy back on now?

Yeah, I love you, so I'm going to be quite late.

This bloody car, eh? There's always something going wrong with it, isn't

I'll have to get a new one. It's no good.

I don't know what's wrong with it. Do you know what I'm like with cars?

Joe's had a look at it, though.

Yeah, I'll put him on. Yeah.

Hi, Sarah, you all right?

Yeah, I think it's the starter motor or the alternator, you know.

Charge doesn't seem to be getting through to the engine.

Yeah, anyway, I'll have a look best I can, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I'll put Duffy back on, all right?

OK?

Anyway, love, don't wait up for us.

Oh, you haven't, have you?

Oh, bloody hell, that's my favourite and all.

That's bad luck, isn't it?

Yeah, I'll just have to microwave it when I get in.

Well, I tell you what, you put your feet up and have a few glasses yourself.

Yeah, you're right.

It's just one of them things.

Can't be helped, can it?

Yeah.

Anyway... Happy birthday, love.

Okay, I'll see you in the morning, then.

All right, then. Bye.

What? All started for the day out next Saturday.

Oh, we're not sure now, Ken.

It's the match next Saturday. They might be putting an extra shift on.

Don't say that, lads. It's getting worse.

Thought you had a minibus full.

Half full?

If you two back out, I'm going to have to ring the goodies up and see what

they've done with that bike.

You know what we'd rather be doing, Ken.

Yeah, I know. We'll do our best.

Hey, I read about that break -in at the jewellers up at Kingsbury.

What's gone up there?

Don't ask, Ken.

It's all part of that.

How do you mean?

They'll be in the cost of they'll sell them jewellers now.

We know who did it.

Slipped through the net again.

Who was it?

Magpie Maguire.

Who else?

What's happened?

Well, we were on to him.

We struck a deal with his missus when we caught her nicking stuff out of the 6

till 8 supermarket.

She told us when his next job was.

What, she shopped her husband because you caught her nicking stuff from the 6

till 8?

She's the store manager, Ken.

Bloody hell.

All the same, it's a bit treacherous, isn't it? She wants him out of the way.

He's an embarrassment to her. She'd rather he was banged up.

What happened?

Well, that's sweet, this was.

She tipped us off that he was planning a job one night in the early hours, but

he'd not said where.

We didn't tell the station. They'd have sent in the plainclothes lads and they'd

have stole all the glory.

We wanted this one for ourselves, Ken.

He's a big fish, Magpie.

And we could see the headline.

Magpie does bird.

Ha -ha -ha, yay!

Magpie!

Anyway.

On the night of the job, we staked the house out. We took a few sarnies and a

few tints of beer just to keep us going, you know.

Phil bought his portable telly. We didn't want to miss your old trash.

No, no, no.

Our cover was nearly blown early on, though, Ken.

How come?

Well, we were sat there in the car, pitch black, waiting to pounce, all

inconspicuous like, just blending in.

Next thing, instead of tapping on our window, the pizza delivery boy bibs his

bloody horn.

How stupid is that? He'd forgotten my garlic bread with cheese and bought in

thin and crispy when he'd ordered deep pan.

Useless? It's a good job we're not relying on pizza to catch criminals,

They're bloody useless.

Anyway, Magpie didn't clock us, so we're OK.

About half eleven, the house goes dark.

So, of course they're portable. We're on red alert.

So, two o 'clock comes and goes. Still nothing.

Anyway, four o 'clock in the morning, his wife comes out, starts banging on

window. Woke up with a start, didn't we, Ken?

Not a clue where we were.

She's going mad cos we missed him.

Shouting and screaming at us, she was.

Woke up the whole neighbourhood, she did.

Bloody hell.

We'd eaten too much, Ken.

Not with the tinnies and that.

Without lack of light.

It was our fault, Ken. I'll assert myself.

It was very unprofessional, that.

Very unprofessional.

Hey, Tanya, listen to this. And you, lads, this'll get you thinking.

You know Jimmy No -Neck, don't you, gyro Jim's mate?

Who? Jimmy No -Neck. He walks around like a lefty coat angering. You know

don't you, lad? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know him, Tanya.

Plays darts for the old. Deaf as a post.

Hearing aid like a champagne cork. Oh, aye, I know what you mean, yeah.

Well, what about him?

Well, it's not him. It's his mate, Sammy. Hardly ever goes out.

Do you know him?

Minicab driver.

I think I know who you mean.

He had that arranged marriage.

Oh, no, it's not the same one. The fellow I'm thinking of isn't an Asian

No, neither is he. He comes from Withenshaw.

His mum's just a bit bossy.

She sorted it all out for him because he didn't want to leave home, see.

Well, it might be the same one, then. Anyway, what about him? Get to the

point, will you, Jo?

Well, we were chatting to him in the post office queue the other day and he

something that really struck a chord with us, didn't he, Eddie? Yeah, I was

thinking for days.

We thought, yes, Sammy, you're right, you're right.

Well, what was it, Joan?

Well, you know before the millennium? Yeah, come on.

Well, we had 1999,

1960,

1940, 1901, whatever.

Yeah, well.

But now we call it 2001, 2002,

2003, etc.

So bloody what?

Well, by rights, we should be calling it... 20 -01.

20 -02.

20 -03.

I mean, we didn't call it 1 ,998, 1 ,999, did we? So what are we doing it

for? It's got a point, hasn't it?

Is that it?

Bloody hell.

I'm going for a pee.

Shall I get you a drink for when you come back?

No, I'm definitely stopping on my own.

Right -o.

Right, then, then. Go on.

We'd better get round to this breaking at this woman's house. Yeah, better,

Yeah, see if we can't beat the plainclothes lads to the biscuits,

press on.

Crime can't crack itself!

It never wanes, does it? See you again. Cheers, guys. See you, lads.

What tickled you?

Holmes and Watson.

They are bloody useless.

I thought about criminals. They couldn't catch a cold between them.

I found a bitter and I'll get you some black. Please, Kent.

Still up there, Kent.

Eh?

Temporary traffic lights on Samuel Street.

Still up there.

Right. Bloody nuisance they are.

I've worked my way round them, though, you'd be pleased to know.

I'm delighted, Eddie. Yeah, I did a recce yesterday afternoon before the

traffic arrived.

All right.

Never thought I'd make so much use of my stopwatch.

It was 4 .60, Eddie. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, like I said, I've worked out the best way round them. The thing to do...

Hang on a minute.

Sean Duffy's just asking me what's going on up there.

I think they go that way home.

I bet they'd be glad I had a tip.

Oh, right.

Them temporary traffic lights you was asking about, lads. Eddie's your man.

What are you on about?

Tell them, Eddie.

We're around, lads.

You know the bottom end of Esketh Street?

Well, that's the least of our troubles.

Now, we know they've cordoned it off from the top end of Piper Street past

McVitie's up to the bank on...

No, that's fine.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you then, then.

Me too.

Thanks for ringing, then.

Bye.

Bye.

Are you all right, love?

Trust me, Dad.

The real dad?

I thought it was.

He's agreed to meet me.

Oh, Melanie.

It's Saturday, half past eight.

I can't believe it.

I feel funny. I can't believe it's going to happen.

Where are you going? I'm going round to Liam's. I can't wait to tell him. He'll

be delighted.

Will you bring me a bag of Maltesers?

On your way back.

There's the roundabout on Samuel Street.

This is the Royal Bank of Scotland.

That's Joan's mother's house.

How about you don't need to know about that?

There's the bugbear.

Temporaries. Now, if you were to look for McVitie's... Dad! Dad!

Why is it locked?

It's open on the phone now. I'm leaving next Saturday.

Who? My dad, my real dad.

Oh, brilliant.

Isn't it great?

That's fantastic, that. I can't believe it's gone through.

Oh, I'm really pleased for you. What did it say?

I can't remember.

It was weird. I thought I froze. I'm meeting him for a drink next Saturday.

Well, that's great news, isn't it?

You've wanted this for a long time, haven't you? Yeah.

I'm going to tell him, Liam. I can't wait. He's going to be chuffed a bit.

Bye, Dad.

I'll see you when I get back.

All right.

I've made up for you.

Yeah. You remember, eh?

You remember him, Tonya. Tonya.

Tonya, I mean. There she goes.

Like a heartache.

When you learn, you must face them alone.

Please remember.

corner shop comedy set in Glasgow, written by and starring Sanjeev Kohli

Donald McCleary. Listen to Fags, Mags and Bags on BBC Sound.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0