Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the storm, captivated by the world's bill.

You are alone.

It's a small world that you've grown.

It's true, Ken, honest.

Running down Market Street, you were shouting abuse at us. Not a stitch on,

he, Phil?

Stark, bollock naked.

Absolutely rat -assed. Cars beeping, women screaming all over the place.

it was.

I chased after him, rugby tackling for the ground, but he's still going mad.

Took four of us to hold him down and cup him in the end.

By this time, there's a crowd gathered around, cheering us on.

Was there?

Yeah. I'll tell you what, though. It was the best stag night we've been on,

wasn't it, Phil?

I'll say.

I'm not worrying, Melanie, love.

I'd just like to know that you're safe, that's all.

Yeah, well, I'll get off now, then.

What time do you think you'll be back?

Oh, that's good.

Oh, well, I'll be in bed. I've already put my electric blanket on.

Yeah, I'm just going to get a bit of supper now. Something light.

OK, love. Good night and God bless.

I'll see you in the morning.

Bye.

You having a new one?

Yeah, good one. What do you recognise?

Yeah, why not? It's Friday night. We don't want to be out there, do we?

Yeah, we'll have another quick one here, then we'll nip over to the Oakford

after time.

We can leave the car here, flag a taxi down later.

Right.

Samuel, be fancy when it frees, mind you doing that?

Hey, you cheeky sod.

Anything else been happening, lads?

No, we had a drugs bust yesterday at Walton Avenue.

Did you?

Oh, aye.

Half five in the morning, this was.

We smashed the door down, dragged the fella out of bed, bundled him down to

lounge and read him the riot out while the plainclothes lads searched the

We're at the sharp end, he's demanding a warrant, we're keeping him talking, the

wife's going ballistic, plainclothes are rifling through the house, turning it

upside down, not having any joy.

So, the handler brings the sniffer dog in, lets that loose.

Did he find out? He's bollocks.

We got the wrong house, haven't we?

Well, there's a lot of clerks in the phone book, Ken.

Yeah, lads.

Three bitters.

Hey, you're going to have to sort that barrel out in a bit, Ken.

What, is that Joan causing trouble again?

Are you having another

one, then? All right, go on. Yeah, I'll have a bit of it. Yeah, yeah.

Is he still brown -nosing with flaws?

Oh, aye.

He'll get stuck up there one of these days.

Aw, you still have to stick his toe.

More or less, yeah.

You're lying, sod.

You've already had a couple, haven't you?

Yeah, but I've not had a single one all day.

He'll never give up you as long as you've got all in your heart.

Oh, well.

What have you both?

You haven't got the willpower.

Of course we've got the willpower.

You've given up a few times, mate.

What?

4 .29.

There you go. One for yourself, Tanya.

See your girlfriend Janice has been working hard in a new job.

Oh, no, fantastic.

But David Dickinson had had a sex change on a watch him before.

He's enjoying it, though, you know.

I was talking to her for a while before you came in. Oh, yeah. She's invited me

down for a pre -session.

I invited her to do the same thing and I've looked forward.

Oh, you did. Look where that got your daddy.

Who's birthday?

It's Sean and Eddie's nephew, Ryan, six years.

We're going to have a little do for him when the pub closes on Saturday. You

know, bottles of pop, bags of crisps. Let him run round a bit.

We've got a magician.

Can you do that with a beer?

Ha, ha, ha, yeah.

I mean, it gets hard to know what to do for him at that age.

We can sort you out with a ride in the police helicopter if you want, Ken.

Tony the pilot does it tenor ahead.

Texts them up, flies over the kids' houses, over the school, pretends to

It's a great afternoon.

Nice one, yeah, I'll bear that in mind.

You get these adverts in the paper.

60, 70 quid they want. Only up there two minutes, it's bloody scandalous.

How come you're putting the party up, Ken?

Well, I feel a bit sorry for Eddie and Joan. They both lost their jobs last

when Johnson's closed down. They've not worked since.

And they're on the bones of their houses.

Well, you're on a scrap heap now if you lose your job at their age.

They had the gas cut off on our last one because they couldn't pay their bills.

I think they only come in here to get a warm.

Sad, isn't it?

That's why we take the football cards round.

I mean, the winner gets half, but the other half don't go to charity.

Eddie and Joan don't know this, but we're saving it up so they can get the

put back on before Christmas.

Wrong, isn't it?

When you've worked all your life, and yet...

You get these scroats who've never done an honest day's work in their life. They

don't pay a penny for the gas.

How do you mean?

Well, they fit these gadgets to bypass the meter.

We caught a bloke that fitted one a couple of months back.

That's a bit dodgy, isn't it? A bit dodgy?

It's a very serious offence, Ken.

Oh, yeah?

Did he go inside?

He certainly did.

First my house, and then his.

My eating's never off now. It's like living in a greenhouse.

You might know him, Ken. He lives around here. Who is he?

Gyro Jim.

Bloody hell, I might have known.

What about this little lad's mum and dad, Ken? Can't they have a party?

His mum's got no... He just got divorced.

Don't talk to me about divorce.

Oh, aye.

How's yours going?

I get a solicitor's letter every other day now. I want this, I want that.

She's already got the house. What more does she want?

It's getting silly now, though.

Yeah, it does.

She pulled up outside my flat the other day, beeping her horn in the car that I

bloody paid for.

So, I go to the window and see what her foot is.

And I'm getting the V sign.

What's all that about?

Bloody hell.

With the kids and all, literally, in the back seat.

And she drives off, beeping her horn like a bloody madwoman.

In my own bloody car.

Hell hath no fury.

Hey, though, innit? Of course it is.

Anyway, I got one of the lads on the beat to snap an aerial off. Good lad.

He's letting her tyres down tomorrow.

Nice one.

She's the second wife of Snowcat.

Oh, yeah. I've been through all this before.

We'll never learn, will we? First time.

Divorce came through on the Friday.

Saturday morning, I was down the registry office again, getting

What were you thinking of? I know.

Like winning the lottery and giving it all back.

And you want me to back you up? Why, what have you told her?

I thought I was out with you.

So I'm your alibi again.

Cheers, mate.

Hey, I'd do it for you.

You have to.

Anyway, I'm bringing the wife in tomorrow.

You better make sure you've got your story sorted out.

You've got nerve, haven't you?

Out with the mistress last night, in with the missus tomorrow.

You've been stuck in with the kids all week.

It's only fair.

Okay, in, dong.

Oh, hi!

It feels good, yo.

Hi, Eileen. Hi, Tanya, yes, please.

Is she in? No, she's gone out.

Ooh!

Hey, ouch!

She's gone into town somewhere.

Hey.

Friday night on the pull.

Another nail in his coffin.

He's a break, lads, eh? Yeah, leave him alone.

2 .20 that, Liam.

I think she's gone for a drink somewhere.

What did that Tom Cruise look like she was in with earlier?

Ignore him, Liam.

I'm done.

So,

where have you been then, Romeo?

In the Oak.

What, booking up a bit of Dutch courage for coming in here?

Aye. You should have left it a bit longer if you want her back, you know.

How'd you figure that out? Well, you know, you've got to be mean to keep them

keen. What you should have done is... Here we go, that's possible.

No, no, listen.

If you want her back, you don't want to be coming in here capping hand.

You want to ring her from a club or something.

Let her think you're getting on with your life.

Yeah. Or give her a ring and turn your stereo up full blast.

Get one of your mates acting in the background, shouting for you. You know,

pretending that you're popular.

She won't know that you're stuck in your bed sitting in Sadsville.

She's done it for me a few times in the old days.

Yeah. Then, right, tell her you've got a couple of tickets for a gig.

Ideally Clapton.

Or Chris Rea.

Yeah, right.

Then you say that you bought the tickets before you had the round.

They were going to be a surprise for her, right, Duffy?

Hey, spot on, right?

And then you say, Oh, I've got to go, babe. They're all shouting for me over

there. Careful, though. Don't overdo it here, though, Liam. You're not Elvis.

Yeah? Then say, catch you later.

Put the phone down.

Her heart melts.

She thinks you've gone off being Mr. Popular.

But she's delighted, isn't she?

Why? Because you have managed to find a little bit of time for her.

Eh? Yeah.

He's right.

All mind games, Liam.

Whereas really, you put the phone down, first old Larry Olivier out, put your

chicken supper for one in the microwave, rung your mum, and bawled his Scottish

eyes out.

She'll never know, though. And all of a sudden...

You're Mr Irresistible again.

Yeah, and here's me thinking I was going to do with you something like sorry.

Oh, no, no, no.

You don't want to say that, son. You're letting yourself in a right mess.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

There you go, Ken. A nice video for Coach on the day out.

Could see a lad's advice.

Mary Potter and the Philosopher's Bone.

It's a good one.

Trouble is, we haven't got a coach now. We're on a minibus, so there's no video

player. Bloody hell.

Well, never mind. Keep that one for yourself, Ken.

Oh, we've got a list here in case you want any more.

Only three pound a night. Plus two pound a night with the thighs. Wide as life

as well.

This is a good one.

Number 18.

Is that the night beaver?

Classic. Flies out, that one. I like the sound of this one.

Lord of the Rings.

Oh, that's the real one, Phil.

I made that mistake last week.

It's crap.

Anyway, have a look at this one, Ken. See what you think.

You'll have to have it back by Thursday, though. It's evidence in court on

Friday. OK.

All right. See you, Kent.

Better get off.

Cry, plant, crack itself.

I made that up. It's catchy, isn't it?

It's the belt of that one, eh? See you, Kent. See you.

Scott, yeah.

You're a brave man coming in here. Full of ale, are you?

Aye, of course he is. Hey. Did you find anything out from Cagney and Lacer? Hey,

do you know what Materdays is doing now?

What? Taking kids up for a ride in a police helicopter.

Ten airheads.

Bloody hell. Can you imagine it? They're up there and they get a call. There's a

stolen motor doing a turn up the M60. Chase it.

Balloons, party poppers, sausage rolls flying all over the place.

Unbelievable M2, aren't they?

Tax payers' money and all.

They don't stop you brown -nosing, nor does it, Ken.

the wheels of industry.

Oh, I thought you were greasing some up out there.

Is that the time? I'd better ring the bell.

Don't you do it, Tanya.

Don't think we're in Notre Dame.

Last office, ladies and gents.

Please, God, do give Jimmy my love and a little kiss from me.

Oh, I don't miss him.

God bless Melanie.

I hope she gets back with Liam. She's been missing him, but... Please don't

it affect me, holiday.

Oh, I love it in Crete, God. It's beautiful this time of year, as you'll

and you've made the locals very friendly.

Well done.

Oh, I'm sorry I missed Songs of Praise on Sunday, but I fell asleep after my

dinner. Oh, we had roast beef, Yorkshire pud, roast potatoes, peas,

carrots. Oh, and for afters, I had a little bit of rhubarb crumble.

Oh, it were lovely.

I can't eat as much as I used to.

Oh, where was I?

Oh, yeah, Songs of Praise. I'm sorry.

It's not as good now since they modernised it with Aled.

Oh, I'd do Miss Highway with Harry Seacombe. Give him me love when you've

minute.

I used to love watching him stood on some cobbled street somewhere, by the

of a church singing his little Welsh head off.

He weren't goons, you know.

Oh, and can you please send me a sign to help me find my peak practice video?

I'm stuck in without it.

God bless our Kenneth.

Where would I be without him?

Not in Crete, that's for sure.

Oh, he does look after me.

Oh, and if our Melanie finally gets to meet her real dad, don't let him get too

close, will you?

Oh, it'd break our kind of thought, you know.

And that would break mine.

You're not getting off? She'll be back any minute.

No, I'm staying.

Oh, so you're not taking her advice, then?

No, thanks.

Well, don't say we haven't warned you.

If she comes in now, you're going to look like a desperate dance stud, are

It's fine.

Well, look, if you are going to stay here, don't go running over to her like

lapdog when she comes in.

Play it cool for a bit.

He's right.

You wait here for a while. Don't worry, we'll make you look like you're having a

great time with us.

That's going to be hard.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. We're your only hope here. Once you get to sniff of how sad

you really are, you've got no bloody chance.

I've got even less chance with you two in my life. Hey, we're trying to help

here. This is a voice of experience talking.

We know all about worming your way back in when you've been dumped.

I don't need your advice, lads.

Don't you?

Well, tell me this, then.

Have you ever been in a situation where you're absolutely gutted, your

girlfriend's dumped you, and come the old, it's not you, it's me, it's me

changed, and you've had to try and talk around?

No. No.

Have you ever had her change her phone number, and you've had to wait outside

her works all afternoon till she comes out to try and reason with her?

No. No.

Have you ever had the police banging on your door at midnight, telling you to

leave her alone and let her get on with her life?

No.

No further questions.

I don't know why they call him temporary chap, it lies. He'll be up there a

month now. I mean, that's not temporary, is it? No.

Yeah, right outside Joan's mother's house they are now.

Are they?

Yeah, she's having to keep all the cats in.

All the cats?

What aim has she got?

Good at it, doesn't it, at least?

I wouldn't want that.

Well, she says they're company for her, but I told her, I said, Nellie, I like

company, but I don't let them piss all over my house.

Oh, it's a rancid tummy.

Isn't it, love?

Yeah. Is it?

She's an animal lover, Tommy, and I've nothing against that.

But she's 84.

She can't even look after herself.

No.

She's got all them cats and a couple of stray dogs that she feeds. Oh, she'll

let anything in.

She's got a tortoise there. I say tortoise.

Might not be a tortoise. I've never seen its head.

Are you not?

No. I've rattled it a couple of times, but nothing's happened.

It's probably hibernating.

Well, that's what she says.

But even if it is, when it does wake up, how's it going to get off the

mantelpiece?

She struggles getting upstairs, so she sleeps in the chair.

Sits in front of the telly. She can't get in and out of the bath, so she

bother.

How does she keep clean?

She doesn't.

Just a quick all -over wash with a flannel in front of the kitchen sink in

morning, that's it.

It's a shame.

I say a flannel.

Dishcloth, really.

We took her out for dinner last Saturday to the Three Bells. It was dead busy,

wasn't it?

Well, it wasn't until we got there. She bloody cleared the place, didn't she,

love? Yeah.

Oh, dear.

It's not just us that noticed.

Smelly Nellie they call around her way. How do you know?

Well, kids have wrote it on the front door.

Big letters.

Mindless. My dad was very particular.

He'll be spinning like a thought now.

Nice. Smashing bloke he was.

Big city fan who would like you. Oh, that's it?

Yeah, she's still got all the maths programmes there in the bedroom.

Some of them go back to the 40s.

I'll take your helmet, you can have a look. No, Jo, no, thanks.

No, no, it's to your point.

Rancid.

Another, my love?

Yeah.

And all that trance dancing and blowing your whistles, what's all that about,

Liam? Well, that's what happens in everything.

And what about when all that foam comes gushing out over everyone?

What's that for?

It's just having a good time, man.

It's not having a good time, is it? It's having a bath.

You lot don't know what going to a club and having a good time is. Of course we

do. Do you, boss?

I bet you've never even heard oops upside your head. What? See what I mean?

DJs nowadays, they get money for all rope.

It's like him. What's his name?

Him who, uh, Zoe Ball married the jam he gets. Fatboy Slim? That's the clown.

I read it in the mirror.

He gets paid a bloody fortune for playing records to those idiots.

And they're off their heads already.

They'll dance to any old shite.

And they do.

There's no skill in that, isn't there? No, look, their minds are geniuses.

Haven't they got a clue, lads?

Who hasn't got a clue?

Have you done any DJing, Liam? No. No. Well, I have.

I'll tell you a thing or two about DJing.

Not like bloody Fatboy, when they'll dance to anything.

I've had to get them up when they don't want to dance. When they're too full

from the buffet.

Hey, hey, he's right.

Course I'm right. I earn my money.

Do you know what our secret is, Liam? I only go... Right, we're going to pace

the evening.

Start off with Don't You Want Me Baby, the human league. Let the gato settle.

Then... Pick up the pace, the lessons in love, level 42.

Send the girlfriend round with little pieces of paper for requests.

You always get the odd smart -ass ones, get off your prick, your shit, that type

of thing.

That's before they all start chanting it when they've ladded. You've got all

that to deal with.

That's proper DJing. Sounds like it. And then you've got to pick the night up

with a few party games.

Peep with Let's Do The Time Warp Again or Come On Eileen.

Classic Dexys. Correct.

Then, slow it right down for the smooches.

Three Times a Lady, The Commodores, Lady in Red, Christy Burr, and Wonderful

Tonight by The Master.

Eric. Correct.

Girl in your arms, a fun -sized Mars bar in your pocket.

The erection section.

Hey, finish off with them all in a circle.

You'll never walk alone.

New York, New York.

I am sailing.

How come you're not still doing it?

I don't know.

Work just dried up.

I don't see your name on here, Debbie.

You're having a go at what?

Hey, there's only two left.

I mean, 40p, what's that to a woman of your means?

What do I win?

Hey, if it's money and a night with you, I'll have a go.

You couldn't afford me, love. You only win a tenner. Oh, go on, then, but just

the one.

Bloody hell, if I only trump.

Yeah, I'll put your initials there.

Do you need any help? Hey, cheeky.

Here, listen, Joe, you want to get yourself down to Ibiza, but there's

things you can do.

Thank you very much.

Hey, don't take the piss on me, Jim. You lot have ruined Ibiza. What do you

mean? Well, there used to be a great place to go for a whole family at one

We used to get there, dump the nippers in a kids' club, we didn't see them for

fortnight. Superb. That's no mouthful. Not still having a go at you, are they?

Apparently, I have ruined Ibiza.

Have you ever been to Ibiza?

No, I've never been there.

Oh, I don't know now he's ruined it. Hey, Ken's off to Crete again in a

of weeks.

All right. Oh, and he's home. Oh, no, I doubt it.

He'd have a job shaking his mamma. He can't sneeze these days without her

getting her hanky out.

What do you mean?

Well, it's like Mel were telling me. She even tells him what he should and

shouldn't wear.

No.

Apparently. He's going out somewhere now. She thinks nothing of leaving a

outfit for him on his back.

Mummy's little soldier.

You're having the last one, aren't you?

Go on, I want to draw it tonight.

I'll tell you what.

You finish it off.

Joan can reveal the winner.

All right, go on, then.

Now then, ladies and gents, the fun never ends in the grapes.

We have the lovely Joan about to reveal the winner on the football card.

Fries of ten whole pounds. And you never know, you might even get a little kiss,

eh, John?

That's enough of that.

Come on, love, get on with it.

Have you won again, Ken?

Joseph, do you know how much that hurts me?

Who is it? Let's have a look.

West Ham.

WC, who's that?

Some shithouse.

To the regiment!

I wish I was there!

Let's have the money over here then, Ken, lad.

Oh, yeah, nice one. Let's hear it for Bill Cooper.

Nice one, Billy. If I was you, I'd tip that for foreign coins. He's about to be

a few in it.

Yours, I think, Ken.

Some shit house did win it.

There you go. Come on, ladies and gents, and you, Tommy. Come on, stop up.

Hey, his mum will be warming the gym jams on the radio.

Come on, everyone, find your way home now. We've had your money. Do your

shopping while you're walking.

Come on, lads, finish off now.

Ken, are we all right for after time? No, not tonight, lads. Early night

tonight. He's got me tucking in.

Don't forget to come and see me at work.

OK. Come on, drink up. I'm going on my holiday dinner fortnight.

Hey, I bet his mummy's back to his sailor suit already.

Hi, Dad.

Hiya, love.

We've got a visitor.

Hey, you're the man, Liam. Top lad.

Oh, hey, I tell you what. We've missed you.

Yeah. All right, Mel.

Didn't see you there. Hi, Melanie.

Hey, what a great night this fella's having.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hiya, Mel.

Hiya.

Fancy seeing you here.

Yeah.

Fancy seeing you.

You had a good night?

Yeah, it's been all right, thanks, yeah.

Where'd you go?

I've just been down with Lizzie for a few drinks.

All right, who with?

Lindsay and Kate.

It's okay, I'll do it.

How are they? They alright, eh? Yeah, they're alright, thank you.

Good, good.

You got a taxi home?

Yeah.

On your own?

Yeah.

You know I can't smile.

And you, Tommy, come on, you'd better hurry up. The gate's back at the

Ah!

Hey, go on, Tommy, down here.

See you, John, love. Bye -bye, John.

See you, Eddie.

Can you share this fraglet, Sandy, and I'm going up. Are you having a drink,

Ken? No. Oh, go on.

You can have a drink with these two, if you like.

Oh, nice one. Good lad.

Don't forget the curtains. I'm getting off.

I've got a dream of coming first thing in the morning.

She'll be all right, you know.

I know.

Have a drink, then. She'll be OK, will you?

Yeah, have a drink. She'll be safe.

That machine's working in the gents, innit?

I know.

I've been a dear. And I know I should have said to you about the trip right at

the beginning.

I was only going a long way, because everybody else was going.

I'm not mad about you going on that trip, you daft strip club.

Well, I know it's only for...

How are you two?

How are the peace talks going?

Have you made up yet?

Not quite. We haven't had much time to ourselves.

Yeah, well, it's getting late. Isn't it, Liam?

Dad! Look, I'm only going to be here for ten minutes, Ken, then I'm getting off.

There's plenty of time for talking in the morning. I don't believe you, Dad.

All right, well, don't be long.

I've got to be up early tomorrow.

Good night, God bless.

Sorry about that, Liam.

It's all right.

Like I was saying, I'm not mad about you going on the trip, but you really

should have told me first.

I know, I know. And I'm sorry. I never found the right moment.

And I'm really, really sorry.

All right, then.

Thank you.

I really missed you, you know.

Oh, yeah.

You know...

I've realized...

I've

realized that I really do love you.

The gates above destroyed that town.

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