Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the storm, captivated by the world beyond.

You are alone.

It's a small world and you've grown.

Melanie. Caught at the top there, from the top end of Piper Street, past

McVitie's up to the bank on Birdall Lane.

There you are, Eddie. There's your change.

Thanks, love.

Yeah, they've, uh, temperature lights up.

We got stuck in them on Tuesday night, coming back from Joan's mother's house.

I said Tuesday.

That might have been Wednesday. No, no. Well, Wednesday, I think it was.

I should know, because we don't go to Joan's mother's house very often,

it, uh, well, it smells.

Oh, right.

You know Neil Armstrong?

The astronaut fella?

Yeah. Yeah?

Well, say you met him, got talking to him.

Yeah.

How long do you think you could go before you mention the moon?

Don't know.

Well, I'm thinking about that.

Rowan! Hi, Danny. Hi, Danny. Hey, do you need any money?

No, you're all right. Hi, Danny.

Won't you be giving her any more money? She won't be spending it on your son.

Oh, no, she won't. No, so where's your son?

In his balls.

Give it a rest, will you?

Oh, hey.

Didn't tell you I have a guest who I bumped into on Wednesday night. Not seen

him for ages.

Who? Rick Michael.

Who? Rick Michael. He was in our year at school.

I don't remember him, Joe. You do. We used to roll up towels and flick him on

the eyes coming out of the showers.

That fat lad?

No, not him. No, the other one.

He was a prefect.

Brilliant at art. Painted that picture of Jodrell Bank at the young in the

school assembly hall.

You lost me there, Joe.

Could piss on the ceiling in the bogs.

Oh, Rick Michael. Yeah, him. Can he still do that? There you go, lad.

What have you got?

Drinking.

You're the one looking after the baby for me, aren't we? And you're...

It's for lending me, then.

Thanks. Sure, James, but you shouldn't have.

Oh, you're right, yeah. You keep it.

No, you're all right.

I've just been given a little part -time job at Tantastic, so I'm sorted.

Oh, good nice one. Well done, mate. Up for you. Thanks.

It's not great money, but you get as much free time as you want on some beds,

that's all right, you know.

Oh, aye, yeah.

I've left my side around, but can I sit with you? Of course you can.

Where's baby Carl been?

Oh, well, I didn't want to bring you in a smoky pub again. I mean, it's not fair

on him, is it? I should have done it last time, but I was desperate.

Where is he now, then? He's with me mum at bingo.

Yes! Yeah!

I read it as well.

The Dirty Pig.

Well, it doesn't surprise me.

The way celebrities carry on these days, they'll all be worried about waking up

and reading some scandal about themselves in paper.

Mmm.

Mm. Oh, Winnie, I meant to tell you. I'm on a mobile phone.

Yes, yes.

And where's that superglue?

Oh, it's in my bedside cabinet.

What's she doing there?

I was gluing Elvis's head back on.

Sorry, Winnie.

Yeah, I'm on a mobile phone.

It's great. I can go anywhere with it.

Oh, no. It's not mine. It's our Melanie's.

Oh, no, I want to have one. Of course, cost a fortune.

Yeah. Hey, guess where I am now?

No.

No. Yeah, I'm in the bedroom.

Yeah.

Ah, well, I can't really say at this moment.

No, it's a bit difficult now.

Yes. Yes, he is.

Later on, That's fine.

OK, Winnie, love, bye. I'll talk to you later.

Give me love to Bill, yeah?

Bye. Bye.

Oh, I did... What do it?

Oh, look at me on the mobile at my age, eh? How come?

Oh, well, Melinda's on proper phone downstairs.

Is she on to Liam again?

Yeah, he's coming in as well later.

She's smitten with this one, ain't she?

Well, I don't think she wants to come away with it this year, and that's a

first. That says it all, doesn't it? She said the same to me.

Oh, you'll miss her, Ken. I know, I will.

Who'd have thought last year when we were all going away, one big happy

it'd just be you and me going away next time?

Not me.

Oh, I don't feel for you, you know, Kenneth, love.

One minute your wife runs off with your best friend...

Next thing, your daughter starts drifting away.

It's a good job you're here to keep me spirits up, then, isn't it? Don't be

sarcastic.

You need to talk about these things.

I'll be running down to old Tommy in a minute to cheer myself up. Well, it's no

good bottling it all up.

And I know that you're putting on a brave face about her finding a real dad.

I know.

The thing is, I'm just getting used to the fact that her mum's not around.

I know, love.

I know.

Finalese.

All right.

You know, if you want to go away on your own to Crete this year, you know, or

somewhere else with lads even, I wouldn't mind, you know that, don't you?

But you love it in Crete, Mum.

Well, I do.

But I think if Melanie's staying, then maybe I should stay.

Well, I don't want to be a nuisance to you.

You're not a nuisance, Mum.

Mind you, it's probably best if Melanie's not left on her own.

Mind you, if I stay here, I'll probably just be a nuisance to Melanie, won't I?

Oh, dear me, I just don't know what I'd do for Beth.

I just never think about it, eh?

All I know is I don't want to put on anybody.

I never have, and I never will.

Dad, will you look after the bath for me so I can get changed before Liam comes?

Of course I will. Oh, and Nana, I've managed to rearrange my hair appointment

Saturday, so I can do all your shopping for you after all.

See you in a bit, Mum.

Well, she wants me to go to Relay, don't she?

That's a bit serious.

What have you got?

We're like balls.

Can't even talk to her about our problems. How am I going to talk to

They're fine.

Of course they are.

Them bloody counsellors are getting money for all wrong.

My mum and dad was married for 34 years.

They didn't need Relay to tell them their marriage was a sham. It was

All right, lads?

All right.

We're not doing too well for numbers on this trip out. We're going to have to

give it an extra push.

Really? You know that culture bus?

Yeah. It's a minibus now.

Bloody hell.

I was right, Winnie.

Winnie? I was right.

Yeah, he doesn't want me to go.

To Crete.

Well, he thinks I should stay here and look after our Melanie.

He does.

I mean, our Melanie's a big girl. Now she can look after herself.

Well, I don't see a point. They've got a relief landlord book.

Oh, well, I told him straight.

I said, Kenneth, my babysitting days are over.

How's the family, Jo? Oh, don't ask.

They're not still in the box, are they?

No, he's moved out of the box room now. He's in the doghouse.

Say no more.

How's your family, Duffy?

Oh, fine, thanks.

The kids all right?

Smashing, yeah.

Our Gemma's a bit of a handful, though.

How do you mean?

Well, a bit of a tantrum thrower, you know.

The terrible twos. Yeah.

You're going to have to nip that in the bud, mate.

Yeah. Have you tried the naughty police yet?

No, but I'm going to have to if it carries on. The naughty police?

Oh, aye. Puts a fear of God in them, that, can't I? Did it with mine.

What, officer?

You come round straight away and lock him up?

Oh, well, hang on.

If he does one more thing, yeah, promise I'll let you know.

Thanks, officer.

Bye.

Pretty honest.

My dad had something similar to that. Inspector clout round the ear hole.

He didn't have to phone him, though. He was always there. He had his own office

in our house.

You can go up now if you want, Dad. Thanks, love.

Did she go, did you see? Oh, she is.

If I could get her on the catwalk, I'd be a millionaire.

No, you wouldn't.

She's wasted on that colic.

Well, of course I'd love to go, but I'm not letting him know that.

Oh, you're right. I've got my pride, if nothing else.

Oh, no.

He'd have to beg me to go now. Beg me.

No, I'm not annoyed at you, Winnie. It's not your fault.

Yes, I'm sure. I'm just laying off a bit of steam.

Anyway, I'd better go, love.

Yeah, yeah, I just thought I'd fill you in.

Yeah, bye, love, bye.

No, no, not the mobile, just the normal phone.

Oh, well, you can't have everything, can you?

Anyway, right then, I'll talk to you soon, love.

Yeah, OK.

Bye. Yeah, bye.

How's the Muppet coming?

Dad!

He's not got detention, has he?

He could have.

How's your college work going?

All right.

I've got a few exams coming up at the end of term, but it should be all right.

Yeah, well, you stick to it and don't get distracted.

Dad! I know you like him, Mel, but you'll only get one chance at a career.

You don't know when you're running a pub on your life like me and your mum.

Not like me, anyway.

I know that, Dad.

Good girl.

Right, well, before you start building your empire, Anita Roddick, take this

football card out. 20p a goal.

Will in a bit.

Have you won again, Dad?

No.

You have won.

Got to get off in a bit.

Yeah, back home to watch the bill.

Oh, I love the bill.

Do you watch the bill, Tommy?

No, it's depressing.

You're like Joan.

She doesn't watch it anymore, do you?

She used to like it when they had them feet at the beginning. As soon as they

stopped that, she lost interest.

Huh?

No.

Hey, how are you doing? You all right? Hey, Janet. Hey.

Hey. Oh,

leave him alone.

It's lovely.

How are you doing, Ken? You all right?

All right. How are you doing?

I'll get out, love, not with an arty, please.

You stay where you are. Oh, look, you were doing it.

You look gorgeous.

Are you expecting something?

Nobody's special.

All right, lads?

All right, Ken.

Right, it's time for this.

As usual.

A lot of brandy for me, please, Ken.

Aye. Talk, Phil.

Please, Ken.

Large brandy and a diet coke, please, Mel.

Right, Dad.

You going to fly a bit tonight?

No, I need a brandy to calm my nerves, Ken.

Lucky to be alive, Ken. Why's that?

We've just nearly come off the M60. They're doing a ton 20.

Chase, was it?

No, no, we've got a new motor. It's giving it a bit of a blowout. You know

score. Shit us up, though, Ken.

Hiya. How are you, Mel?

Right, he's on the coke, then.

That's mine, love. I'm driving back. Thanks, Mel.

Cheers, Mel.

Are you still doing the aerobics class, love? Yeah, Wednesday night.

Don't need it in this job.

It really shit us up, it did.

Fast motor, is it?

Too right.

Like shit off a chrome shovel.

We nearly wrote it off last night, doing handbrake turns in the car park behind

Tesco's. You soup them up in the garage first, don't you?

Oh, aye. A motor like that could be lethal in the wrong hands, Ken.

Right.

Anything else happening?

Well, somebody's torched one of them empty houses on Smithfield Road.

Have they? Yeah, the brigade's putting it out now.

Bloody hell. We know who it is, though.

We'll go and pick him up once we've had these.

Who is it?

Billy Marsh.

Bloody hell!

It's not old Kyle Fox again.

He just can't wait for bonfire night.

Oh, he's left some fires now, hasn't he?

Oh, aye. There's never anybody hurt, but he's a nuisance to the brigade.

I'll bet he is. Yeah, they can't get the table tennis tournament finished for

love nor money.

He can't help it, though, can he?

If he got six months for arson, he'd do it twice a year.

Are

you

sure it's him?

Oh, I will have him on close circuit somewhere buying treacle toffee.

It's a shame, though, isn't it? I mean, cos his dad comes in here and he seems

like a decent fella.

No, he's a wronger as well, Ken, trust me.

And what do you mean?

I can tell by looking at him. Yeah, we see criminals every day of the week,

You can spot one a mile off.

Well,

you can't get much past you two fellas.

We've been at it too long, Ken.

How's he going to put Mark out?

All right, go on. We can do with a bit of luck.

Well, they found him. They know where he lives in the night and I'm just ain't

sure he's me real dad.

So what happens now?

They told me to have a long, hard think about whether I'm certain I want to make

contact. And then what?

I'm absolutely certain they contact him and explain to him that I'd like to meet

him and ask him to think about it.

Listen, what if he does now want to meet you?

Then they take it no further.

Then if he does?

I need him.

Well,

if you do meet him, don't pull that face.

What would you do?

No, come on.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What do you think of that?

How does he feel?

He's delighted.

Right. He's been great.

Mind you, he did say that I could have a few stepbrothers and sisters, so could

I leave it till after Christmas?

Oh, look at him.

He thinks he's Oogie Bear, doesn't he?

A pint of bitter and a pint of Guinness, please, Mel.

Right, Liam.

Can I have a card, please, Mel, in the card table?

You having a game of cards, Liam?

I'd love to joke, but... You're under the thumb.

Who's one of your young lads like to bet?

Play if you want to. He's not under the sun at the game, Liam.

You sure you don't mind?

You're working so late. We'll go out then.

Cheers, mate.

That's £4 .20, please, Joe.

There you go, Melanie.

£4 .40 and one for yourself.

Make one, Jogi, after that.

And we'll go somewhere nice for a wedding day.

Yeah. So you'd fall for it, Duffy? We're on. We're on, then?

Yep.

Do you know I can't get you one back first, Janice? No, I only popped in to

you a drink and pay you back my debt.

I've got to pick Kelvin up from Bingo.

All right, then.

See you all soon.

See you, Janice. See you.

Right, hold on. Before you do, I'm going to wait at the toilet for a quick pee.

Eddie, Tommy, quick.

Have a look for yourself.

They look exactly the same as a normal satellite car, but with these, you can

get any channel. Pay -per -view, bluey as the lot.

30 quid if you want them.

Have a think about it, anyway.

Right, yeah, I will, lads. Thanks.

Right, come on, Phil. We'd better get off.

Blimey, that was a quick one.

We'd better pick up Billy Marsh before he finds another matchbox.

Oh, well, a crown can't crack itself.

You're right. Bang on. Hey, you've missed your way, you have. You'd have

great Bobby, you.

You're on the ball like us.

Anyway, thanks for the drinks.

Yeah, thanks, Ken.

Any time, lads.

Have you got an air freshener we can borrow?

An air freshener? Just do with getting rid of the smell of fish and chips from

the car before we take it back to the station.

I've got one here.

Alfa Romeo Sierra Echo Hotel.

Alfa Lima Echo Sierra.

Compliments in the grave.

Cheers, Ken.

See you soon, pal.

I'll look forward to it. You take it easy.

It's taxpayers' money, eating fritters and chips.

You got nothing at all by Clapton? No.

Layla? High shot the sheriff?

Lay down Sally?

Before my time, all that stuff, mate.

Timeless. Look, he's too old.

Too old?

He's a legend.

You asked 20 ,000 people at Manchester Arena how old he is.

What about Level 42?

Have you got any of their stuff?

No, I've never heard of them, John.

Never heard of him, that king, king of the base, the Chinese way.

Who's know the Chinese way?

The Chinese way.

Who knows what they know? The Chinese legend grows.

Oi, guys, don't.

Honestly, I don't know them.

You're one sad man.

Oi, I'm one young man.

That's the trouble, ain't it, these days?

You've got no good songs.

It's all that bish -bash -bosh.

He's right.

I'll tell you what.

If you took Mel back to your little student bed, see?

What a wonderful tonight.

Clapton. You'll be coming here tomorrow.

You'll be shaking my hand.

No way. It's okay.

It's all right. I remember when that first came out.

I used to get home, dim the lights, nice bottle of wine, put that on.

Magic. Oh, yeah.

When I got a girlfriend, it sounded even better.

Won't be long, then.

Yeah. What?

Big boy's been up.

Bloody hell, I is, yeah. Your race, is he?

Oh, I'm not arsed about the races.

What about the bamboo club at night?

Hey, you've never been, have you, Liam? No, is it good?

Oh, well, hey, is it good?

They've got a dancer there that makes Jordan look like olive oil.

They have to take the first two rows of seats out when she comes on.

Hey, have you told Melanie you're going yet?

No, I have not, no.

I mean, I've just no idea. Tell her, son, tell her.

Get it over with.

No, I will. All right, I will.

The later you leave it, the harder it's gonna get. Right, I know.

Hey, honest, this is the best policy, son. I mean, they don't like it at

But they come round soon enough.

Then they respect you more for being straight with them.

So have you told your wives that, now? You're joking, aren't you?

We bars don't come in here much.

They'll never find out what Melanie lives here, don't you?

She's bound to.

I suppose.

Tell her now while we're here.

She won't say anything in front of us. And if she does, we'll back you up.

It's a bit Hugh Hefner, though, isn't it, guys?

Oh, what's wrong with that? What a life that he's had.

Oh, yeah.

He's seen more tits than Bill, hasn't he?

Come on, everyone. My lovely assistant will come amongst you now with the

football cards. 20p a go. I'll tell you to the winner.

Oh, yeah.

Come on. It's for a good cause.

It's Bob Geldof.

Hey! No, that's you you scruffy get.

Oh!

Now's your chance, Tom. Get it over with.

No, look, I'll tell him we're on our own, all right? Don't worry, cock. I'll

give you your cue. No, Joe, don't.

Don't, man.

Are you having a game of the cards, lad? Oh, I am. Here you go, darling.

Hey, hey, hey, don't you have a go? You're only a student.

You'll need your money for the day out.

What day out?

Liam?

Oh, no, you're not going to the bamboo club with this lot, are you? No, it's

Mother Ace's, babe. Oh, yeah, of course it is. And when were you going to tell

me when the rest of the pub had found out? Look, it's no like that, babe.

beg me, Liam. You're full of shit.

women are the same, are they?

What's happened there?

Liam's dropped a bombshell.

You haven't dumped her, have you, you smiley gets?

No, I think it's the other way around, Ken.

What, she dumped you?

Looks that way, aye.

Oh, that's life, Romeo.

What for?

He told her he was going on the day out.

You told her I was going on the day out?

I knew it was all a wee bit feedy.

Feedy? You know, got me a strip joint in this day and age.

What's wrong with that?

It's only a bit of fun.

Well, it's a bit prehistoric, don't you think?

Prehistoric? Oh, don't we get in the conscience now, lad?

How do you think I never told on the first place?

Oh, you've got to fight them feelings, Liam.

Never let your conscience get in the way of a good time.

Don't go all Daniel O'Donnell on us now.

Yeah, you're only just starting, Liam.

I've been married seven years.

I've had to wrestle with my conscience loads of times in that stockroom at

I've always conquered it.

I mean, he started it first, obviously.

I'm a family man.

You know, we're in time.

We'll all get easier.

What are you talking about, Duffy?

He's not in ready eight.

I've told you, it's only a bit of fun.

He's only going on a day out. What's going?

Well, don't say that, son. They're dropping like flies on this trip. We've

already had to change the coach for the minivus.

If you back out, we'll be going in a bloody taxi.

Don't make any rash decisions, lad.

You've done the hard bit now. She'll come round.

Trust me, she'll be fine. I know her.

She thinks a lot of you.

Does she? Of my life.

Cheers, Ken.

Let's not jump up and have a wee, would we? Oh, no, no. She'll have her bloody

earrings if you go up now.

No, no, leave it. I'll have a word with her.

Smooth things over.

You stay here and have a drink with Terry Datsun and the dinosaurs before we

become extinct.

I'll go and get you one.

Cheers, Ken.

Well, that's that now, isn't it?

Don't be soft, lad.

She'll come round.

Don't you sell yourself short.

You've got a lot to offer a girl you have.

I wish I had a bit more of what you've got.

There you go.

Get that down your neck.

I'll go and do me Henry Kitchens a bit.

Hey.

Women, eh?

You can't live with them.

And you can't live with them.

Hang on.

Melanie!

Your dad.

What do you want?

What do you want, Dad?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Tough. He should have thought of that.

No, I'm not coming down.

Tell him to take Joe and Duffy for a drink. He's got more in common with

No, just tell him to go.

I don't care.

Anyway, there's no more to be said.

Yeah, don't worry about me, Dad. I've told you, I'm fine.

No, I'm not mad at you.

Bye.

Everything all right, love? Yeah, fine.

I've had a row with Liam.

I thought you had. I couldn't help overhearing.

What was it about, love? Well, he's going off to a dad's strip club, isn't

Oh, the dirty dog. That my dad's organised.

Oh, well, probably just a bit of fun. They go every year.

No, I know it's not that. It's just that everybody else knew about it but me.

He's had plenty of opportunities to tell me.

He's been all nicey -nice to me face and all the time he's been planning that

behind me back. It stinks.

Oh, I know what you mean, love.

Well, he's not going to take me for a mug. He can get lost.

Oh, good on you.

You stick to your guns. I will.

I do admire that.

I had a friend like you just after I left school.

Peggy Hartley, she were called.

We used to pal about together.

Oh, I was a soft one, always crying over one lad or another who'd let me down.

But Peggy, she were like you. One step out of line and she sent him packing.

She were very strong -willed.

I do admire that. Good on you, girl.

Thanks.

What happened to Peggy, Nana?

Oh, she died of spinster a couple of years ago.

Oh, it were very sad.

So is that it with you and him, then?

I don't know.

I just feel he's let me down.

Oh, you thought a lot about this one, didn't you?

Yeah.

Still, there's plenty more fish in't, see?

Yeah.

Mind you, if you catch a salmon, you don't throw it back.

You all right, love?

Yeah.

Who's looking after the bath?

Joe.

Don't be upset, love.

You don't say, man. You're like a flock of sheep.

It's just a day out. It's only a bit of fun. I know. He should have told me.

That's all.

Well, perhaps he was waiting for the right moment.

Yeah.

He knows now, doesn't he?

Yeah.

I'll give it a few minutes and I'll go back down and see him.

He's gone, love.

What? Well, you told me to tell him to go.

Well, I did, but he didn't have to go, did he?

Well, did you want him to go? Well, yeah, but, well, no. He should have

He should have known that's what I meant.

Well, perhaps he didn't realise that you wanted him to wait, though, love. Of

course he did. Oh, he's done that on purpose, the pig.

That's it now.

I was going to stop here when you go to Crete, but I'm coming with you now. Sod

him.

No, he should have waited, Ken.

He should have waited.

I'll, er,

go and make us all a nice brew.

I'm sure he didn't know you wanted him to stay, Mel.

I mean, when I told him, he just got up and went.

I think he was too upset to stay.

Was he?

Yeah.

Oh.

Was he, Dan? Yeah, he was.

Oh.

And I was upset as well, love.

Why?

Well, I just bought him a drink and he left a lot.

I've just been down there trying to put the top back on the bottle.

Look, I know how you're feeling.

But it's only when it hurts that it matters.

I mean, I should know what was your mum and that.

Yeah.

He's not a bad lad, is he, really?

Look, you ever think about this holiday and let me know, eh?

I already have.

You stopping here?

Yeah.

Now, then.

What do you think of these?

There is a wealth of mirth for you to enjoy from One Foot in the Grave to

Night. Just two of the delights on offer in the Classic Comedy Collection.

Available now on BBC iPlayer.

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