Original subtitles

You never have to feel that the night is yours alone.

Rushing through the stars, captivated by the world's beyond.

You aren't alone,

it's a small world that you've grown.

I feel bloody lousy.

Do you want me to make you some eggs chopped up in a cup?

How come whenever I'm poorly you want to make me eggs chopped up in a cup?

It's a cure -all, Kenny.

My mother and her mother before her could have told you that. It's funny how

medical professor never picked up on it, though.

All I know is it works.

Oh, aye.

I remember seeing it on the aisle last week.

It's flatlining, Doctor.

I think we're losing him. Well, don't just stand there, nurse. Go and chop

eggs up in a cup.

You're not too poorly to be sarcastic, are you?

Have you seen them rockets I bought, Mum?

Oh, were they yours?

Bloody hell. Of course they were mine.

They're medicinal, them, you know. They're not sweets.

I only meant to have one, but they're very Moorish.

Anyway, I think I've got a bit of a chill.

It's no wonder.

You never knock the bloody fridge.

What's that?

Where's somebody throwing stones at window?

Oh, they're not here already, are they?

It's only 20, Pa.

Well, they can piss off. I'm not opening up yet.

Who is he?

He'll be old Tommy. Who do you think?

That half a crown will be burning all in his pocket.

Oh, no.

It's police.

What?

It's Phil and Nige.

Bloody hell.

Oh, it's OK.

They must have given up. They're going back to the car.

I don't know.

There's no one the crown can't crack itself.

I don't believe them two.

Come out nice and slowly with your hands held high and nobody's going to get

hurt.

Oh, you can't go, Kenny. You're not fit to work today. I'll see to it. You can't

go, Mel. Melanie!

Melanie! She's not back yet.

Oh, dear.

Where should I go, then?

Oh, I'd better find my stick.

And I want my two pair of glasses.

Oh, and I want me a nailer for the stairs.

Bloody hell, ma 'am.

Sure, but tension didn't set that much when it went up Everest.

Sit down.

Oh, are you sure, Kenny?

Yeah. I mean, you need a break.

You've been on your feet for well over ten seconds now.

Come here, fellas.

You're keen to write, aren't you?

Every reason to be, Ken. We just took the rest of our shift off.

All right.

Unofficially, of course, Ken.

Of course.

We think we deserve it today, Ken.

Why, what's happened?

You know that drugs bust we had at the Queen's Head that went a bit pear

for us last week?

All right.

Where the landlord, who's a dealer, got off.

Oh, yeah? Well, we went back today, did the job properly.

How'd it been? We dropped all the undercover bollocks this time.

We did it our way. Steamed in there, coshes flying.

Landlord sees us, ships himself, just throws his hands in the air, game over.

But we coshed him anyway.

You can't be too careful, Ken.

Softly, softly approach here, lads.

Zero tolerance, Ken.

Anyway, we knew he'd have hidden the drug somewhere, but he wouldn't say.

So we took him to the cellar. And unfortunately, he tripped on the top

went flying.

Do you know, I've nearly done that on mine.

Oh, bloody hell, Ken, keep up. It's not Dixon and Doc Green, this.

Oh, I see, yeah.

Zero tolerance.

Safe to say he seemed a lot more willing to cooperate after that.

Took us right to his desk, didn't he? So come on, Ken. Chop, chop.

We are celebrating.

Of course we are, lads.

What do you fancy?

Have you got a bottle of champagne, Ken?

Is Don Perignon good enough for you lads?

Are you taking a piss?

Well, you started it.

Whiskey? Aye. You got any more of that nice malt you gave us last week?

I'll look.

Yeah, you didn't look. There's a little bit left there.

A nice cigar wouldn't go amiss with it at all, Ken.

Bloody hell. They did celebrate this much when they caught the great train

rubbers.

Two nice large malts.

Are you having to imagine the customers now, Ken?

Well, Tanya, look. I don't mind, but I don't think it'll wash with a brewery.

It's a Bill and Ben.

All right, lads.

All right, Tanya, love. All right, Tanya, love.

Have you heard any more from the brewery about what's happening with this place?

They're asking me every other day about the takings. Oh, blimey. Have you told

the customers yet?

No. I don't want anybody ransacking this place before me.

You look worse than yesterday, you do.

I know.

I feel like Tommy warmed up.

Have you got a temperature?

Yeah, let me have a feel.

Oh, you meant me head.

Cheeky.

Don't mind me.

How are you, Winnie?

Hiya, Winnie, love. I was, er...

Just checking his temperature.

Oh, barmaid and nursemaid now, eh?

Bet you could cure him and all.

Eh, well, you never know.

I'll go straight up, Ken.

Right, love.

Evening, all.

All right, Winnie.

How's your Darren?

Oh, he's smashing, thanks. He gets out in a few months for good behaviour.

Is it the first time for everything?

Yeah. Well, let's hope he stays on the straight and narrow when he comes out,

eh? Not much chance of that.

How do you mean?

He wants to join the police.

See you later, Ken.

Hey, she's troubled, that one, Ken.

She's all right, wasn't she?

She's not got it easy, has she?

Something to make and her husband on the dole? He's never done an honest day's

work in his life, her husband.

Yeah, he's sat on his arse all day, sweating handouts.

Parasite he is, Ken, a bloody parasite.

Oh, nice regards, Ken.

Cheers.

Cheers, Ken.

No, you can't have one, Winnie. They're medicinal, these. They're not sweet.

Oh, are you poorly as well, Jean?

Well, it's more preventative medicine for me.

I don't want to end up like Mark, can I?

Right.

I'll make a quick brew and then I'll get cracking.

A quick brew?

You've got jobs to do.

I've made a list out of all the things you missed when you were here on

What?

It's on the sideboard there.

And that could do with a wipe.

I'm surprised your arse isn't on here as well. You'll be having me wiping that

next. What?

I'm surprised your heart isn't on here as well. Oh, yeah, well, that could do

with a wipe as well.

Oh, I've acted her twice as much since my Kenny took bad.

She's very poorly, you know.

I won't worry about Ken, Jean. I think he's in safe hands now.

How do you mean?

I think Nurse Tanya might be sorting him out. She looked very attentive when I

walked in and caught her.

Caught her what?

Administering a dose of TLC?

Ah, she's probably just flirting. That's what barmaids do. I think there's more

to it than that, Jean.

If what I've been told is anything to go by, a lot more.

Is there?

Oh, yeah.

But like you said, I've got no time to talk. I've got jobs to do.

Oh, look, come here. Put that duster down.

Here, sit down. We need to talk.

I'll make us a nice brew.

Oh, here, have a sweet.

How do you wear this kettle?

When watching City tomorrow, Tommy?

I haven't missed when they're at home.

How long have you been going now?

Fifty -odd years.

Pies like good, are they?

Yes, very funny.

£1 .98, please, Tommy.

Have you ever been to a football match, love?

You're asking me out, Tommy? No.

I wouldn't want to step on anybody's toes.

Oh, give over.

No, I've never been to a football match, me.

Not one for crowds.

Well, you're safe in here then, aren't you?

Here he is, lucky Jim.

All right, Duffy.

Bitter. I'll say he is.

Are you still alive?

Please, yeah.

You been shopping, love?

Yeah, just got myself a nice bit of tea.

Oh, yeah, Jamie Oliver.

Oh, are you?

What are you having, then?

Frey bentos pie.

Oh, you're living it large, then.

What are you having?

Frey bentos pie.

Snap.

Do you want me to get you the Samaritan's number, Duffy?

Have you heard from her, love?

No. Spoke to her fifth, though.

She's filled in a few blanks. Oh, yeah.

Have a guess how much he earns, this fella that she's legged it with.

How much?

Forty grand a year.

Does he?

Forty grand.

I'm not bothered, though. No, no need to be. No. I'm getting on with my life,

aren't I?

And that's more important than money, isn't it? Oh, of course it is.

Yeah. Got to move on.

It's all behind me now.

Yeah. Yeah.

Forty grand.

I feel terrible.

I should be in bed, really.

I'll tell you what, I'll be having a flu jab next year.

Oh, yeah, we get our flu jab at work, Ken.

Yeah, it's compulsory now.

I'm so terrified of anyone having a day or two off. You get the nursing, and she

does as well.

It's terrible, isn't it?

We used to look forward to a week off, full pay on the sick, October, November,

do a bit of Christmas shopping.

Oh, yeah?

And then another week in January for the sales.

See, my wife loves the sales.

I mean, there's a bell rings up her arse every time she passes a shop with a

sale on.

She reckons that if you buy stuff in a shop with a sale on, the more you spend,

the more you save.

That's women's logic for you guys.

Yeah, she had to pay for her flu jab this year at the doctor's.

When she got there, there was a queue of pensioners snaking right around the

block. They get it for free, you see, so they're all there.

The smell was terrible, apparently.

I know.

My post office is like that on a Tuesday.

What about that Henry Cooper, eh?

It's a greedy guy, isn't it?

I mean, how many flu jobs does he need?

Yeah, he spoilt it for the lot of us, hasn't he?

He's greedy with his aftershave in the 70s and all.

Cassius Clay should have finished him off when he had the chance.

Oh, cheers, Phil.

40 grand.

Yeah.

I'm not bothered, though.

You said.

I've got steak and kidney.

What have you got?

Chicken and mushroom.

I don't care how much she likes him, it wouldn't work.

He's still getting off at last one.

I'd have thought she'd have been just what he needs.

Well, you thought wrong, didn't you?

Otherwise, how come he's not picked up on any of these hints she's been

dropping?

Well, maybe he's just a bit slow on the uptake.

It's not Forrest Gump, Winnie.

He just doesn't want to know, and that's that. That's not what Debbie reckons.

She thinks there's some chemistry there and it's finally starting to work.

She'll need a chemist if I catch a tittle -tattling about my Kenny.

It's just idle gossip, Winnie. That's what it is.

Oh, I don't know.

Well, I do.

That's the trouble with you, Winnie. You listen to too much gossip.

Does she say anything else?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, well, come on, then. Chop, chop.

You're not Mary Poppins. It won't do itself.

And you forgot your list.

Blimey, Duffy.

I know it's not everything, but who do you know who earns 40 grand a year?

I've told you, I don't know anyone.

Now, will you let me get a drink?

Yeah, sorry, Debs. You carry on.

Half a cider, is there? And two cokes and two bags of crisps, please.

Kids in the car?

Yeah. Will you do a bucket of water for us as well? I said I'd give them 50p

each if you cleaned it for me. Oh, good idea.

I'll put some berry liquid in.

Thanks. When they get bored, just sat there, the poor thing.

Oh, not again.

Oh, he's coming to quiz night next week. Oh.

What does he mean, no riffraff?

Oh, yeah, all right. He don't mean you.

Oh, right, yeah. We'll come to that, then.

Great. Hey, do you know anyone else and we could form a team?

What's it in Ada?

Oh, he's just trying to get a few more people in. He's getting worried about

He's got the brewery on his back.

Right. I'll bring my cousin Nicola in, then she'll be good. Do you know a

Manchester girl at grammar school?

Yeah. She's a dinner lady there.

All right.

Oh, we'll have a good laugh then.

She's a good laugh, all right.

There you go.

Will you do another bucket for her, Tanya? Yeah? And chuck it over in.

Hiya. Hiya.

Let's play that song, Jo.

Not again, Duffy.

You look like you're about to drop that.

A bit like I am.

We'll get us two more large ones before you do, will you?

Nothing would give me greater pleasure.

All right, Ken.

You all right, Eddie?

I'm on jewellery service, Ken.

Right. Congratulations.

No, but, um... I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Well, that suits me.

Couple of kids from the Loughfield Road estate.

I'm not interested.

Oh, right.

Right so.

Hello, Ken.

Hi, Joan. You don't look well, Ken. Are you OK?

No. I'm full of flu.

Have you tried eggs chopped up in a cup?

Not yet, love.

Call me old -fashioned, but I thought I'd try medicine first.

It does work, you know.

Oh, not you and Al.

You eat it, Ken.

Oh, right.

I was going to rub it on my chest. I told you it was an easy mistake to make,

Joan.

Oh, what's that smell, Ken?

It's Bill and Ben. They've brought a little weed.

Bloody hell.

But they like them too.

I know.

Right.

off their bloody tits.

Yeah,

that's fine.

Have you done grill pan?

I'm just gonna do it now.

Okay, let me know when you think it's done.

This could do with doing each time it's used, you know.

We can't afford to have you around every time we have a bacon butty.

You could do with an extra pair of hands around here full time.

Maybe if Ken hooked up with Tanya, it wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.

Rubbish.

We had an extra pair of hands with his first wife, didn't we?

Look how that turned out.

You didn't have much time for her either, did you? No, and I were right

wasn't I?

The pair of you never really hit it off from the start, did you?

Well, she were an ungrateful mare.

I put a roof over their heads and all I asked for was a little bit of

involvement in the wedding.

That wasn't too much to ask for under circumstances, was it?

No, you're right.

It must have hurt when you overheard her saying anyone would think it was that

nosy old bat's wedding.

Well, it did.

But fair's fair, Jean.

How was she to know you was on the other extension?

I just wanted to be part of it, that's all.

But after I heard that, I thought, right, keep out of it, Jean, leave them

it. We'll see how this wedding turns out.

And I were right. It was rubbish, absolute rubbish.

You enjoyed the honeymoon, though, didn't you, Jean?

40 grand?

Now, that's what he said, isn't it? And that's just in one year.

It doesn't seem right, does it? Are you sure that's right?

Positive.

I'm not positive, though.

What do I care?

I wonder how much that is a week.

£769 .23.

That's more than I've had all my life.

And he's got a top car, four -wheel drive Merc.

Oh, it's only X -Reg, though.

Right, that's a nice car, that Duffy. I saw one on Top Gear.

Clarkson was drooling over it.

Yeah.

Very roomy.

Have you got kids?

Yeah. Mine.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Duffy.

Let's hope they're putting the muddy feet all over his back seat.

Like they did in my pun, Tom.

Well, they're not cheap, them cars, are they? £29 ,995 in good condition,

according to Glaston's guide.

Our house didn't cost that much, did it, Joan?

When I bought my first house in 1953, it cost £450.

Just shows you, doesn't it?

Where was it?

Hibbert Street, just round the corner.

Also, have you lived round there all your life, Tommy?

Not yet.

Anyway, bored to it. I'm not bothered how much money he's got.

Can have all the money in the world, as far as I'm concerned. At the end of the

day, it can't buy you happiness.

Has anyone seen me pie?

Have you heard about Gyro Jim, Ken? Why, yeah.

Why, what's he been up to now?

Well, you know how the social are always on at him to get a job? I know his

work, Si.

He comes out on the rash every time he goes past the job centre. He's tried it

on before now, down at the social. Said he's got a problem with his eyes.

He hasn't got a problem with his eyes. That's what they said.

He said, I know, but I just can't see myself working.

Anyway, they're adding on.

So they find him a job at the Regent's Cinema on Stockport Road.

They told him he had to take the job, otherwise they'd stop all his benefits.

Well, he wouldn't like that.

He didn't, but there's nothing he could do. He had to take it. He'd only been

there a couple of days. He'd already had a bollocking for filling his pockets

with the pick and mix.

Anyway. The film's changing, so they're giving them the job of going up the

ladder outside and putting the new title up. You know, those big red letters

they have. Oh, yeah.

It's the new Clint Eastwood film that's showing there, isn't it? Oh, yeah. So,

while he's up there, he thinks he'll have a bit of a laugh. So, as he's

out Clint's name, he puts the L right up against the I so that they're touching.

It leaves it like that.

Did you get it, Ken?

Yeah!

I saw a documentary about Eastwood on the Biography Channel the other night.

According to some of the people he's worked with, Jaro got it spot on.

Did he get attacked?

Of course he did. He's made up about it.

He's back on the dole and back in the boozer all day.

Oh, he's a case, isn't he?

We were driving past the region on a Saturday morning. They were showing that

Willy Wonka again. What, with my eyesight? I thought Jairo had got his

Hiya. Hiya.

Oh, I'm doing jewellery service, Joe.

All right.

Don't ask me about it.

All right, OK.

Guinness, please, Tanya.

I must say, everybody's been very understanding about my jury service,

Yeah. What with me not being able to say anything about it.

I bet they're all curious about it, though, aren't they? No.

What's that smell?

You mean Tommy?

No, no, the other one.

Musical youth in there, popping the dutcher.

Bloody hell.

Good job there's no cops about.

Will you come to the quiz night next week, Joe?

What's he on about? No riffraff. That's what I said.

We were a bit offended by that, Joe.

I thought he was trying to get people in, not drive them away.

It's only Kelly. Ignore it. Have your drink, Joe.

Hey, Joe, you're going up in the world, aren't you?

What do you mean? We saw your wife this morning shopping in Sainsbury's.

Probably buying organic veg.

Anyway,

what were you two doing in Sainsbury's? Oh, we go there a lot, don't we, Eddie?

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know you shopped in Sainsbury's. Oh, no, we don't shop.

We just go in to read the papers.

They're miles away from the till, so nobody bothers you.

Oh, we have a right good browse, don't we, Joan?

We don't push it, though. We only read the headlines and see what's on the

pages. We're only in there half an hour.

Half an hour just to see what's on TV.

You know what? Well, Joan's got to write it down.

Bloody hell.

Right.

I'll see you soon, lads. OK.

You're not driving, are you?

Aren't we bald?

Driving? Use your look.

Imagine the stink that would cause if we got caught drink driving.

Do you want to finish that off, Ken? No, yeah, I'll stick with this.

If you were any squarer, Ken, you'd be an oxo -cube.

Right, let's get that shabab.

See you, Ken.

See you, lads. Take care.

And don't forget, Ken, crime can crack itself.

What's going on?

John and Yoko are giving Pete a chance.

I could hear.

Oh, you look loud, don't you? I feel it.

Why don't you go and have a lie down and I'll look after it down here.

Would you?

Yeah, go and get yourself off.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Aren't you lovely, you, eh?

Go and have a lie down, Ken.

Excellent.

You be all right?

Yeah, I've kept it up.

You cheeky sod.

How many

times do I have to reassure you, Duffy? Of course they will be.

Do you honestly think so? Yeah.

Kids don't just change overnight.

Well, I hope not.

If they've put the mucky feet marks on your back feet, they're going to put

on his.

Thanks, Joe.

He's right, Duffy.

She's wiped me out, you know.

How do you mean?

Well, it's just a shell now, our house.

No furniture, no nothing.

All I've got left in that kitchen now are cupboards.

And they're all bare.

Oh, bloody hell, it's all Mother Robert.

What do you sit on?

Oh, I got a deck chair out of the shed.

She forgot about that.

Oh, you'd better put your towel on it, Duffy, in case she comes back for it.

Anyway, right.

I'm off.

What? What's up?

It's only six o 'clock.

You've only been in a bit.

I know, but I've realised what I'm becoming tonight, and I don't like it.

I've seen all your eyes glaze over when I've been pouring me troubles out.

It's not fair on you.

There, are you?

This is not a pub for losers.

That'd be the easy thing to do, wouldn't it?

Coming here every night, getting drunk, feeling sorry for myself.

Well, I'm not going to let that happen.

Duffy's been to the bottom.

He's had a good look round, and he doesn't like what he sees.

And there's only one way left for me to go now, and that is up.

See you tomorrow, Duffy.

You all right?

At five?

Yeah. Hey, but I tell you what, you're all going to see some changes in me.

Have you ever said?

I can only apologise for tonight.

The next time you lot see me, I'll be a new man.

So anyone got a tin opener?

Ken? Hello?

Are you decent?

Yeah. Shall I come back in five minutes then?

I've done this for that.

I thought it was my mum with some eggs chopped up in a cup.

How are you feeling?

Shocking.

My head's banging a spinner. I can't think straight.

Who's looking after the till?

I've locked it.

Oh, good girl.

Anyway, don't you be worrying about downstairs.

Phone didn't work back in a couple of days.

I'll look after the pub till you get back on your feet.

Oh, you can't do that.

You ring them back up, love.

You can't be wasting your holidays on me.

No, I'm still getting paid.

I told them I caught the flu.

Love you.

You haven't, have you?

What did they say?

They've told me to have a couple of days in bed.

So come on, budge up.

You haven't got time for that.

You've got a pub to run.

Oh, you'll have to make it up to me when you get better, then.

I will.

You'll have to take me out for the night and treat me like a lady.

Well, till you get me home.

There'll be three deep at that bar now.

You'll be lucky there's only five in.

Well, they might have found a queue.

All right, I'm going.

You get some rest.

But think on about what I've said.

I will.

Tweet me.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Where have you been hiding?

There is a wealth of mirth for you to enjoy from one foot in the grave to

nighty -night. Just two of the delights on offer in the Classic Comedy

Collection. Available now on BBC iPlayer.

It's a small world and you've grown.

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