Original subtitles

Oh, God.

Yeah, like, no one else would have bought this fine stuff.

Oh, come on.

I'm telling you, honey.

I'm not going to pay per hour for those two to catch fire.

None of that.

You'd think that there'd be a plumber and electrician that is... Not a woman

the city. You've already blown it, so... I mean, this is ridiculous.

I mean, out of this big town that we live in, you would think that there

be a plumber and electrician that are not both men.

Women.

Who had it? Who had it?

Christ, isn't there an apple?

I thought it was you!

You plumber!

I got it!

You fucking apple!

Christ, are all the electricians and plumbers in this city a woman?

Women. Are they women?

Are there...

Be like Nancy Reagan, just so you know.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear, Papa.

I think sticking my hand in between this... I'm sorry.

to take in a nap. The poor thing hardly got any sleep last night.

Oh, let me get.

Know the neighbors that are so noisy.

Oh, isn't it wonderful, dear? Not like the new houses they're building these

days. Yeah, that's great. How old is this house?

Well, let's just say me and this house are about the same age. exact age.

Which is?

I can't ask her that.

You never ask women her age.

Honey, honey, easy, easy. I'm just asking how old the house is, not how old

is. You can't ask her that without finding out how old she is. You just

that. Look how young she is.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Gaines.

No problem. Just call me Janice, okay?

Oh, then you just must call me Gloria.

Yes, and call me nauseous.

Oh, I just know we'll be the best of friends even if you don't buy my house.

Well, why wouldn't we buy the house at such a lovely and very reasonable price?

Oh, that's because you're buying it straight from the owners. Instead of

those pesky real estate prices, you could put that 6 % right into your own

pocket. Did you hear that, Derek?

Yeah. Well, nonetheless, you know.

I definitely want this place inspected.

What's to inspect? As you can see, the place is well maintained.

Ah, yeah.

Say, I'm saving that for later.

But, uh, you know, the one thing I have not seen at all, which is

the after bedroom.

Oh, the bedrooms are just lovely. You'll just love them.

Except for my husband, Bob, is asleep, so we have to be very quiet. The poor

dear didn't get any sleep last night.

Oh, let me get.

Let me get.

Is it all those fucking noisy neighbors?

Noisy neighbors?

The only noise we make around here is when me and Bob are, well, you know,

making love.

And we do a lot of that ever since we moved into this house.

I was kind of wondering there, Mrs. Boyer, Gloria, if this house has

improved your sex life, why exactly are you selling it?

Well, because we're doing it so much, me and Bob are starting to get saddle

sores.

Sorry I asked.

But I find your feeble attempt at an answer a little bit hard to

believe.

If you don't believe me, follow me into the master bedroom and you can see for

yourself. You want us to watch?

Like you and Bob doing it? Sure, why not?

If that doesn't prove everything I've said, then what will?

Come on, follow me in. You can watch through the hallway.

Okay. Okay.

We have some people here to see the house.

I'll have to wait.

You know how worried I get when I first wake up.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I don't feel proud.

Oh.

Oh.

She was right what she said about the house.

It does have kind of an effect.

Here we go.

They saw?

I think they saw enough. If that little act doesn't sell them the half, I don't

know what will.

I can't believe this is going on. Did you see this?

This could be a better feature than the cover space.

I don't know. Something smells a little bit too fishy. Oh, maybe she forgot to

douche.

Anyway...

Honey, how can we go wrong with the house?

It's fine.

Come on, let's buy it.

Please? Please?

Let's buy it.

Isn't it wonderful, Scott?

As of one hour ago, our ex -girl closed, and we are now the proud owners of her

house in suburban Los Angeles.

You know, honey, being a homeowner is not too bad.

I mean, of course, if the garbage disposal was to break down, I mean, we

couldn't exactly call an apartment manager to fix it. No, we're actually

to have to call a plumber. You know how expensive they are.

I'm sure it works just fine.

Yeah, well, I would have liked it if we would have checked it out before we

bought this place.

Well, actually, I would have liked it if we checked everything out before we

bought this place.

If it makes you feel better, go on and check it out right now. I'm sure

everything's fine.

Okay.

Um, it's not working.

Maybe something stuck.

Stick your hand in there and find out.

Right. You know how much I hate this.

Look at it this way, all right?

Picture taking your hand and sticking it up between my legs.

Like that time we got the diaphragm stuck.

Yes, but I think sticking my hand in this garbage disposal is a little bit

different than sticking my hand between your legs.

They're both wet.

Yes, but between your legs there isn't sharp metal teeth.

The blade, it's caught on my ring. Well, pull.

Okay, okay.

Guys, you can get yourself killed that way.

How'd it turn on?

I don't know. I think, you know what? I think it probably had some kind of short

-circuiting wire or something like that, and it probably set itself off.

Now we're going to have to call an electrician.

Oh, and here's a cheerful little note.

before it gnawed off what little things I have left of my hand, happened to

notice that the blades were just a little bit dull.

And you should be happy they were.

Yes. Now we're going to have to call a plumber, too.

Look, it may be a little bit more expensive owning a house, but if this

has half, just a partial bit of the effect on us that it had on the previous

owners, believe me, it's going to be very worth it.

Okay?

Okay.

Find out, okay? Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, God, the lights were not on for a second.

Let everyone win.

you know what I mean

Okay.

My wife never used the deep throat when she was at home.

I can't wait to get you out.

I'll get you up here.

Ups in my eyes.

Yes!

Bone free!

Okay, calm down.

Okay.

Okay. Do you just help him? I'm certain that I can do that.

Okay, wait.

I'll be about that.

Ready to pull?

I have it.

Don't fall in, okay?

Okay.

Honey, I can't look at them.

God,

I've never looked so much until Phil did looking at all of them.

I feel like I'm weather -coating it.

Thank you.

God, we've got the biggest...

You know, maybe this house isn't so bad.

I'm afraid your pipes are shot, mister.

How can they be shot? This house isn't that old.

Tell you what, when this house was built, indoor plumbing was considered

there, partner.

So, tell me, how much is this little job going to cost?

Uh, I don't know.

How much is that U .S. deficit these days?

Excuse me.

Sweetheart.

The electrician's here.

Okay.

The electrician, my husband, Scott.

Nice to meet you. Colleen Powers. Ball 2 iron is my specialty.

Great, Colleen. Great. Well, you're just going to have a field day here at this

lovely lemon that we bought. I have yet to find an electrical switch that

actually works.

Oh, I suppose you know Captain Drano over here.

Howdy. Yeah.

We work together on a few jobs.

I particularly recall that one job we worked together on where the hot water

heater seemed sold.

Sprung a leak and shorted out my electrical board.

Yeah, but I have you know, if you had installed that board properly, that

bitty leak would have never made the panel short out.

Little bitty leak?

What? Honey, that was a tidal wave.

Uh, honey.

That was a tidal wave.

I'm going to tell you what now. If you had done it right, that little bitty

that came out there, you can tell them what you're doing. I don't know.

I can see you don't know what you're doing. You have to stop.

There's no way.

Oh,

look at the butterfly.

What?

Um, that's a butterfly.

God, does anyone else have a butterfly?

I don't know. I'm telling you, honey.

I'm not going to pay for those two per hour to have a cat fight in my kitchen.

mean, are there no electricians or plumbers in this city that aren't women?

Yeah. Of course.

It makes you feel any better. This afternoon, the building next door has an

apartment with me.

Oh.

Speak for the devil. That should be him. Well, listen, why don't you see to him,

and I'll go ahead and make sure those two aren't ripping up our kitchen.

Oh yeah.

I want you to like go by and let me know.

Oh,

you mean 30.

They don't have to.

Thank you, my baby.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking I want that.

Go down, baby.

Get after it.

Right here.

I'm still turning me on.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, that feels good. Thank you.

Well?

Oh.

Oh, God.

You blow out your pen right now

Stand up there. Stand up there.

so beautiful

Right there. Yeah!

Ah! Fuck.

Damn.

Thank you.

Who decorated this place? Bob Miller?

Let me tell you something. It's a point that I like to tell most of the people

that I do inspecting for.

It's good to get the house inspected before you buy the house. Just a little

point. I guess we were a little anxious.

Anxious? To buy this dump?

And this market?

Let me tell you, there's more value in Florida's swampland these days than

is in this house.

This is Mr.

Osborne, the building inspector. My husband. The proud owner.

Yeah. My condolences.

How are the plumber and electrician doing?

A lot better than you could ever expect.

Mr. Osborne. Mr.

Osborne. Is there a certain room that you wanted to start off with?

Well, it all depends on who's leading the way. Either you or your lovely wife.

Honey, why don't you go ahead?

I'm going to sit down, huh?

Where do you want to start?

We can start in the bedroom, if you don't mind.

That's not a true support beam, I can tell you that.

What does banging on the wall look like?

Well, it's a technique I've been using for years.

My dad used to tell me, son, if you want to know how well built she is, bang on

her for a while.

Does it work?

I guess.

Rather than answer that question in words, I'd

be answering in actions.

Hmm.

But I don't even know your name.

Roger, what's yours?

Janet.

Stop talking, I'll start banging.

much for having me.

how much it's going to cost to bring this house up to code.

Yep.

I don't care about the house, okay?

My marriage is ruined.

Why do you say that?

Right now, upstairs in my bedroom, the building inspector

is doing to my wife what he wouldn't even do to farm animals.

Oh, now how do you know that?

Excuse me. I happen to read the script for this video.

Oh, my God.

He's right, Colleen.

Look, it says right here in capital letters, Roger and Janice begin a

exchange on the bed until climax.

That's terrible, Crystal.

She's supposed to be a married woman.

and whore and wife are taking part in a revenge book with Colleen, the sassy but

sexy electrician, and Krista, the subtly pouting breath plumber.

Yeah, a revenge book might help.

But just what I need to see things in a whole new light.

You think this is going to be a happy evening?

Yeah. I don't see how it can't be. I mean, when I get to do it with two fine

American employed workers.

I'm happy to look at everybody too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

I tell you what, it's the best pop I ever had.

Oh, my God.

um

Thank you.

oh oh oh

It just got worse.

It's not what it seems.

No, no, no.

I had to do it. It says it in the script.

I don't care what the script says.

You know that the script is the least important thing in one of these videos.

But nothing, that's it.

I want a divorce.

Fine, fine. Okay, if we're going to get a divorce, then who's going to get this

lovely house?

You get it.

I totally insist that this is going to be your house. I give this to you as my

going -away gift. No, no. Even though that is very big of you. Very, very,

big. Let me tell you. No, I should give it to you because it was me that cheated

on you with those two bad actresses.

Wait a minute. Who are you calling a bad actress?

Is it my fault that they cast somebody who looks like me to be a climber?

Yeah, that's as believable as me being the electrician. Yeah, that's right.

So if anybody's been wrong to you, it's us, okay?

Us. You know what?

You two got a point right there. And you two get the house. Yeah. I

don't want to own a house in L .A. How's the

drag?

Taxes are high.

And you can't even...

the damn thing.

Let's get out of here.

Where did everybody go?

This place is empty.

About as empty as one of those open houses at the realtor's place.

I wonder who the poor sappers have got this fucking place.

No.