Original subtitles

♪ Jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

What-- what's going on here?

Martin, where you been?

You almost missed your birthday party.

Your birthday, that's right, that's right!

I almost forgot to give you your present.

Here it is, gift certificate to everywhere.

My birthday isn't for three weeks.

Gibby thought we were wasting a lot of time on birthdays.

So today, we're celebrating all the Junes.

Except for June Eckstein. Her birthday's in July.

Okay, you June bugs.

Make a wish!

I wish I were 40 years younger.

So the big four-o.

What's the plans?

I'm thinking party, huge party.

Now, Eddie, I really, really don't want to party, okay?

I'd much rather spend a nice quiet evening

at home with you and Judith and Jeremy.

Come on, man, how many milestones do you have left?

So, you'll turn 50, 60, 70,

and-- and if you make it 80, you'll have that funny smell,

and no one will want to be around you.

Well, now I'm in a party mood.

Oh, come on, man, you threw me a 40th birthday party.

You threw me a bachelor's party.

Look, can you stop thinking about yourself?

Okay, fine, fine, fine. You can throw me a party.

Okay, just-- just keep it small.

Great. Get my hundred bucks back.

- What? - What?

It's not enough I'm throwing you a party, you gritty fuck?

What are you-- What are you doing?

That's not the money.

Oh, Ivana Petruski died.

Who?

The founder of the Key of Dance Theater

we saw at Lincoln Center.

What a loss.

I'll get it.

- Oh, would you get that? - Uh, yeah.

Hey, buddy, you want to shoot some hoops?

Jude, think fast.

It's a good thing I didn't throw it, huh?

- Hello, Eddie. - Come on, let's go.

No, no, Eddie, we're just going to hang out, and have some brunch.

Good, I don't feel like playing anyway.

I just got my warm-ups out of the dry cleaners.

Hey, hey, hey. Great news about the party.

I just rented out the back room

at Hanrahan's on the 23rd.

They're moving the porta-johns to the alley so we could dance.

Martin, what is he talking about?

Eddie's throwing me a birthday party,

didn't I tell you?

No, no, you didn't, and if you had,

I would have told you I think it's a very bad idea.

- Especially on the 23rd. - Why?

Well, because-- Well, that's the weekend

that we move all the clocks forward,

and-- and, uh, well, that means one less hour for the party,

and, well, everyone will be just very disoriented.

What?

Well, because I'm throwing a party

for you that night, okay, now you know.

I take it I just want a popularity contest.

Jude, you shouldn't have.

Especially, since Eddie already did.

He's just gonna have to throw your party next year,

because I've already called Tavern on the Green,

and we're having 40 different kinds of cheese.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

In the first place, Martin doesn't want to have a party.

And in the second place, I'm the one that's throwing it.

Right, Martin? Go ahead and tell her.

I think not, see, I'm the one who lives with him,

and so I am throwing the party, right, Martin?

- He's mine! - No, he's mine!

- He's mine! - He's mine!

No, no, no, I am not going to choose between the two of you.

Well, of course not. Just choose me.

I was here first!

Tough toenails.

Look, there's only one way to settle this.

That's ten paces, you will turn and fire.

Compromise, right? Throw the party together.

Please.

Good. Good. This is good.

First, we need to decide on a place,

or else no one will know where to go.

So, uh, where's it going to be?

- Tavern on the Green. - Hanrahan's.

Okay, okay, well, we've-- we've narrowed it down to two.

Look, Hanrahan's has sentimental value.

You got your first blowjob in the parking lot.

Well, perhaps some of your friends

can give them out his party favors.

Like the last party you gave for Martin.

What party?

Oh, have you forgotten?

Because I have pictures.

Now, this is a device known as the Flashback.

Perfect! Beautiful!

Who'd think that when I did Martin's bar mitzvah,

he'd end up marrying such a young Jackie O?

- Daddy, did you find Martin? - No, sweetheart.

But the wedding isn't scheduled to start until 1,400 hours.

I'm sure he'll be here.

What if he isn't, what-- what if he met

someone else on the way,

or what if he got run over by the D train?

Oh, my God! What if he's dead?

We should be so lucky.

I'm a widow.

Okay, happy thoughts! Happy thoughts!

Oh, Martin! Martin! Where have you been?

I was worried sick.

He-- he's okay. Everything's fine.

You're drunk. Eddie, he's drunk.

No, no, no, no, he's just really, really hungover.

I begged you not to have a bachelor party

the night before the wedding, how could you let this happen?

Actually, it's a pretty funny story.

So we didn't have enough money to pay for the entertainers.

And their agent, uh, Crow Daddy,

was gonna kick our asses, but I talked him out of it.

And, uh, that's Crow Daddy over there.

So it would really smooth things over

if you had $500 I could borrow.

I hate you, Eddie. I hate you!

Now, now, Judith, boys will be boys.

Okay, now, everyone in nice and close.

Good, okay, happy thoughts!

Happy thoughts!

Oh, Martin, how could you let him do this to you? Tell me.

Oh, my God! Mommy!

Conrad, do something!

Pull yourself together, Martin.

You gotta play hurt, boy.

Oh! Jesus! God!

You son of a bitch!

Oh!

Trust me, Judith, in 20 years

you're gonna laugh all about this.

Judith, it wasn't entirely Eddie's fault.

Not that it was mine.

So what is the big deal?

You had your dress dry cleaned in time for the ceremony.

But I still smelled like throw-up

on the most important day of my life.

Only faintly.

Jude, look, the important thing is that we got married.

Although we did get divorced.

Oh, that's just great, that's just great.

First, you ruin my wedding day,

and then now you have to ruin my oriental rug?

Jude, it's not a problem. Here, a Sulzer.

It's the miracle water, you know?

And it's good for ingestion and-- and stains.

Your stupid carpet is nothing compared to my acting career.

Oh, or did you forget you tried to ruin that?

What acting career?

My point exactly.

Hugs and Kisses, Judith?

Okay, perfect!

Now film [indistinct] shoot.

One question.

Does an "XO" stand for Kisses and Hugs, not Hugs and Kisses?

No, because an Israeli reads from right to left.

Okay, here we go!

Camera!

- Isn't this exciting? - Very entertaining.

I think we almost got stuck with those orchestra seats for a chorus line.

Okay, in the set we have quiet now.

Okay, everybody, and action!

Say, my man, mm, mm, mm,

how do you get all the foxy ladies?

The answer's in my pants.

Yeah, your jeans are super bad, man.

No, my jeans are excellent.

♪ He's a man Who gets the misses ♪

♪ Wrap him up In hugs and kisses ♪

♪ His jeans have the X and O ♪

♪ Put them on, get it on Get up and go ♪

XO jeans have the fabulous fit

that hugs your waist, and kisses your boo-tay.

♪ He's got style, He's got soul ♪

♪ [indistinct] confident ♪

♪ That cat Makes me lose control ♪

♪ 'Cause his jeans Are "xolent" ♪

Hey, Martin, do you actually think

that Eddie's butt looks a little big in those jeans?

What? I think it's supposed to.

Cut! Cut! Cut! You!

You, in the sassoons! What did you say?

Uh, nothing, I-- I was just telling my husband

that I thought Eddie's butt looked a little big in those jeans.

Yes. Yes, it is the bingo.

Hey, you! Size 32, you're in.

Charles, you are out. Go! Go!

What? What? What? Was I gyrating too much?

I can take it down.

No, no, you're butt!

She said too big it is looking.

- You said what? - We'll call you.

Kiddo, what is your name? I cannot write "kiddo" on contact.

Washington. Denzel Washington.

If it weren't for you, I would have been Malcolm X.

Eddie, she didn't do it on purpose.

And besides, your butt did look a little big.

Oh! Oh! You wish your butt looked as good as mine!

That's it. I cannot talk to you.

Let's just forget this whole party.

Fine, fine, obviously, my butt's too big

to go to one of your little tight-ass parties anyway.

To avoid further bloodshed, we might arrange terms.

No, wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait. Nobody's going anywhere!

Like it or not, you two are bound together by circumstance.

Like my parents.

And if they can stay together for my sake, then so can you.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Okay, now, just come over here, and take it easy, and sit down,

and work out a guest list.

Sit down!

I'll get us some lemonade.

- Fine. - Okay.

All right.

You know, you always had it out for me, didn't you?

It's because I'm Black, isn't it?

How dare you!

I have ten times as many Black friends as you do in the UN alone.

Oh, that's why you use me as a token Negro

for your psychology project.

Oh, my psychology project?

Thank you. Thank you for bringing that up.

Joe Frazier will be on the ground in the seventh round

because I'm fast and I'm pretty.

And I'm in a hurry, so let's just get on with this.

Martin, maybe you should take Jeremy to the park.

No, no, no, that's okay, I can keep him quiet,

you know, because he loves his daddy, right?

Say "Daddy." Say "Daddy," "Daddy.'

Fuck!

Jeremy, where did you learn that?

Daddy.

Just a dirty little stool pigeon, ain't he?

Uh, I'll just run him over to the park.

- Later. - Yeah.

Okay, now, before we start recording,

we're just going to practice with you, okay?

When you see this photograph, I want you to tell me

the first thing that comes into your mind.

- Tits. - Eddie, come on.

Okay, um, mountains with nipples.

All right. Let's try another one.

This time I want you to tell me a story based on

what you think is happening in this picture, all right?

Okay, that woman there looking at the doctor is an nymphomaniac

and she's saying, "I want you to go down on me."

Eddie, please, you said you'd help me.

Okay, okay. No more joking.

Thank you.

I have to go to the bathroom, but when I come back,

- we're going to do this for real. - Gotcha.

I don't know how this got on there, I don't do this kind of thing.

I mean, I do, but it's not on video, it's--

Oh, God.

Hey, don't blame me. You should have edited the tape.

It was due that afternoon,

and I thought I knew what was on it.

It's a miracle I didn't get thrown out of my program.

You remember when the three of us went to Jones Beach,

and I got stung by that jellyfish?

I mean, that was fun.

You know what your problem is?

You have no sense of humor.

Excuse me,

I have a wonderful sense of humor.

You know, Marky Post was in my Girl Scout troop,

and everybody thought I was the funny one.

True story.

But what you did was not funny.

That was an open act of hostility.

Oh, you want to talk about hostility?

I want to talk about ordering lunch.

The two of you love a good sandwich, right?

You see, you have a lot in common.

What I did was nothing compared to how you humiliated me

in front of your entire school for no reason.

Ah!

♪ From way out in Arizona ♪

♪ He heard the nation's call ♪

The women's movement is very important to me.

In fact, at NYU, I'm chairman of the committee

of male students or female students for Udall.

You want to back rub?

Okay.

♪ Will you walk? ♪

♪ Please go, Udall ♪

Thank you, Rachel, for that compelling

and really catchy song.

Um, it seems that Congressman Udall is running a little late,

so, uh, if anyone has anything they want to add

or you just want to come up

and, you know, tell it like it is,

then well, come on up.

So, how are the signs coming?

Great, great. Almost done.

He do you like that? He can spell, too.

I can start over.

Hey, Judith, you never told me

Eddie writes most of Udall's speeches.

Oh, really? Is that right?

Uh, I didn't want to brag.

Besides, there's a lot of people chipped in.

Since Udall isn't here yet,

why don't we just cut out the middleman,

and have you get up there?

Uh, no, no, I'm not prepared.

Plus, we don't want to steal Morris' thunder.

No, no, it would be great to hear

from someone who really knows their politics.

Hey, everybody!

We've got a special guest speaker,

Eddie Charles from NYU.

Right on, man, right on!

U-- Udall.

Udall. He's our man.

If he can't do it, no one can.

Right on!

Eddie, would you mind explaining

Udall's energy conservation program?

Oh, yeah, um, yeah, well, there's, you know,

many different points to it.

You know, uh, one being,

uh, you know,

always turn off the lights when you leave the room.

All right! Udall! Udall!

Uh, what about Vietnam?

Vietnam?

Uh, it's a goddamn mess.

We need to get the hell out of there.

We did. Five months ago.

Um, yeah.

Does anyone of you want to hear Rachel sing again?

Yeah!

Uncle Eddie went and died.

Jude, you know, that was a little unprovoked.

Why did you do that?

Maybe because she's evil?

Hey, I'm glad I did what I did.

You had it coming to you, and you know exactly what I'm talking about.

No, no, no, I don't know what you're talking about.

I never know what you're talking about.

Oh, fine. Forget it. But what happened happened.

You know it, and I know it.

I don't know it.

Well, this doesn't concern you.

No, if it concerns you, and it concerns him,

that it concerns me, and I deserve to know what I'm concerned about.

Fine, Eddie, shall I just dump all the laundry out of the hamper?

Just dump it. Dump it. Come on, dump it, dump it.

Okay, okay, you remember that dorm party

after Sean and I played on campus?

Yeah.

I'm glad I broke up with Judith.

You know, she's really bringing me down.

Didn't she break up with you, man?

Whatever.

The point is...

I've never been so unhappy in my life.

...I'm a free man, and this is all going into my novel.

And once it's a bestseller, she's gonna come crawling back to me,

but I'll be married to Allie MacGraw.

Cool. 'Cause she's here.

Allie MacGraw's here?

No, Judith.

She just walked in.

Do me a favor, try to wait at least 30 seconds

before you beg her to take you back.

Time's up.

What a surprise. I didn't know you were here.

Hello, Martin. So, what have you been up to?

Dating, partying. Mostly dating.

So...

Take me back, would you?

Uh, you want a beer?

Hey, Van Boone. You up for a red?

Stolen from my old man's pharmacy.

No, no, man. She doesn't do that.

Excuse me, I think I can make my own decisions.

That's cool.

Don't call me when you wake up in the infirmary.

If you do wake up, you know, they put rat poison in those things.

Give me some of those, will you?

Can you imagine

if Martin and I had gotten married?

I mean, he is so like this.

And I am so like this.

I can dig it, man.

- It is what it is. - It is.

It is.

You are so heavy.

You are so...

different from Martin.

Not just because you're Black.

You just are

so like this.

Right back at you.

I just feel

so close to you.

I gotta go.

You came on to him?

I know what I did was wrong.

And my one lapse of discretion happened to coincide

with your one lapse of sleaziness.

But how dare you judge me after the way you've lived your life?

- You came on to him. - Oh, God.

And you've never let me live it down.

For 20 years, you've looked at me

with that smug moral superiority.

You came on to him?

Judith, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Oh, please.

No, I'm telling you,

I remember dancing with you.

I remember being totally wasted.

I gotta go.

And I remember waking up with Lorraine Tucci

in the register's office, but that's about it.

You really had no idea?

Hey, if I knew that you were making a pass at me,

I definitely would have fucked you.

You would have?

In a second.

You were much hotter than Lorraine.

Plus, she gave me crabs.

Eddie, you're being so sweet.

I cannot believe you made a pass at my best friend.

And you, you would have fucked her

while I was all alone in my dorm room.

Growing my eyes out.

Oh, would you lighten up?

It's not like I actually fucked her.

No, but you would have.

Yeah.

This is just fucking great.

Oh, Martin, why are you so upset

about Something that happened 20 years ago.

Come on, we'll talk about your party.

No, no, no, I don't want either one of you throwing me a party.

You sluts.

Martin, come on. You're being ridiculous.

Come on, bud. Come on out of there.

Why, so you two can have the bedroom to yourselves?

Well, you know how he is when he gets this way.

Just let him sulk for a couple of hours.

All right. You want to go to the movies?

Mm, that'd be great.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not without me, you don't.

Oh, this reminds me of a double date.

Reminds me of the three musketeers.

That's possibly because there are three of us.