Original subtitles

Thanks for the invitation, Marty.

Actually, I'm here on business.

Break out that syrup your tribe calls vino, you just got bar mitzvah.

- How so? - Today, the eunuch becomes a man.

I've picked you to join me in representing Whitestone at the Chicago Book Fair.

- Gibby. - It is about time.

Thank you, thank you, I had no idea you were even considering me.

Well, neither did I.

But Lou's in rehab, Carter's re-grouting my coy pond.

There's a court order preventing Fred from traveling west of the Hudson,

- so that leaves you. - Well, I'm flattered.

Anywho, you're responsible for the whole sheboing.

The booth, catalogs, everything but the hookers,

that's my bailiwick.

Whatever you say, you know, you're...

...the boss.

You're already behind schedule.

The book fair's a week from Monday.

Next Monday, Gibby, that's a little tight.

So is the Vietnamese boat girl my sister gave me as a housewarming present.

Just adds to the excitement, if you ask me.

Holly-oh.

Toby? Toby?

Toby?

Hi.

Any messages for me?

Where have you been?

I just had my prenatal exam.

Guess what my doctor said.

That is not human.

I really don't have time for guessing games, Toby.

Well, then I'll just tell you.

She said, now that I'm entering my second trimester,

I gotta start working shorter hours.

I was figuring 25 minutes each.

Toby, look, this next week, it's gonna be hellish.

You're telling me,

I got my pre-postpartum depression class

Monday, Tuesday, I'm learning how to breathe.

No, no, a week from this Monday is the book fair, okay?

- And I'm in charge. - So?

So, that's like my baby.

You know, and you're like my doctor.

So, if you can't help me deliver on time, then maybe we should get you a helper.

You know, like a midwife.

What are you, stupid? Why don't we just get a temp?

Even better. Call the agencies, and set up some interviews.

I'll get right on it after I take my morning nap.

These are the files.

Keep them here in the file cabinet,

unless Martin asks you to take one out.

Then, you take one out.

The new recruits have arrived, sir.

Louie?

What are you doing here? I thought you were--

In jail and out of jail, in jail and out of jail,

in jail--

Away someplace, you know, for a while.

No, they dropped the charges.

It seems a key witness got misplaced.

And now that Louie's available,

he's agreed to be our new assistant.

You're kidding.

I know it seems like a step down,

but my parole officer said I got to get a legit job.

And you're going to let him boss you around like that?

Martin, I figured you wanted somebody exactly like me only different.

Louie and I could be brother and sister.

If we weren't cousins.

Plus, I got intangibles.

I can get any writer you want

at your desk by four o'clock.

Alive.

Well, they tend to be more prolific that way.

- Toby, can I talk to you? - Martin, give him a chance.

He doesn't take rejection well.

All right.

All right, Lou, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a one-day trial.

Test period. If it doesn't work out,

then we'll get someone new on Monday.

It's a deal.

Uh, Toby, I need you to take a letter.

Uh, Toby, is it our mommy

to be exercise class?

Go ahead. Tell me your letter.

Uh, okay,

here, just take this.

Just sit down there, please.

Um, okay, you ready?

Okay, uh, Dear Ms. Evans Harris, this letter will confirm

that Whitestone Publishing has been allotted--

Louie, you're not writing anything down.

Yeah?

Well, that's kind of the point of dictation.

You know, otherwise it's just chatting.

I never write things down.

That way there's no paper trail.

Well, I need some cheering up, Marty.

I found another gray hair in my curly patch this morning.

What a shame.

The good news is the book fair's coming great, you know,

and I hired new help, and look, I've been working on a synopsis.

Yeah, spare me the small print, Marty.

Just give me the headlines. What does our booth look like?

- Our booth? - Yes.

You can't lure them off the teeter-totter

without a nice piece of candy.

So, dazzle me.

Uh, well, actually...

I haven't thought about it.

...regarding

the booth-like structure, uh--

Martin's idea is to put the booth

on a hydraulic system

so it opens and closes like a gigantic book.

I like that.

How much of your blood are you selling to pay for it?

Uh...

You want to tell him, or should I?

Uh...

Why don't you?

Martin, put the squeeze on some teamsters who owe him a favor.

They're going to come in on the budget.

It's not a side of me I like to brag about.

Splendid.

Marty, if you keep this up, you might actually see my house one day.

From the outside, of course.

Ciao, then.

Louie.

I don't know what to say.

Well, I ain't the police.

So where were we?

Uh, "Dear Ms. Evans Harris, this letter will confirm

the Whitestone Publishing has been allotted."

I'm gonna like you.

How about the name Cherry

from the old English "cherry-like"?

I love that.

I beat up a kid named Pickles once.

Toby, did you finish the inventory for the book fair yet?

I haven't even started it.

I've been updating your Rolodex all morning.

By the way, Richard Grove is dead. You still want his card in here?

Why are you doing this now?

That's right here at the top of your to-do list.

I gave you two lists, one to do for the book fair and one to do while I was gone.

- You've been gone all morning. - It means gone to Chicago.

How could you not know that?

Excuse me. Where does it say Chicago?

You know, if I was working on your inventory,

you'd be yelling about the Rolodex, there's no wedding with you.

Just get it to me ASAP, will you?

I can't, now I have a breastfeeding lesson.

Martin, I'll do it for you.

Thank you, Louie. Just make sure that you--

A cross-reference by author and genre?

- Exactly, how did you-- - I try to anticipate, it keeps me living.

Thank you.

Go, learn to suckle my nephew.

Thanks, cous.

See, I told you this would work out.

I should have thought of this pregnancy thing years ago.

Hold on to your hammer, Marty.

- Guess what I've got for your little booth? - Uh, balloons?

In a manner of speaking.

See, we strap these two lovelies to opposite ends

of your hydraulic book, and when it closes...

What--

Uh-oh, switch up, you two.

Oh. Oh.

Lovely set, aren't they?

Hmm?

- Isn't that fun? - Well, Gibby, the--

Certainly an attention-getter.

But if we hire women of this magnitude,

it's gonna break our budget, you know, so--

We'll unshackle some shillings, Marty.

For instance, instead of putting one book

on the one sheet, put four books.

Well, Gibby, if it's gonna take me days to redo them,

I mean, you can't be serious.

Serious is untreated syphilis.

Giddy-up, girls, time to give out some party favors.

You know, my old grandma always told me

that jackass would haunt me someday.

It'll cost you three personal days.

What will?

Getting me to work late on the one sheets.

Plus, I want double time

and a steak dinner.

So you're going to try blackmail, huh? Not that nice.

Toby, why don't you go home, and practice gestating?

I can mop up here.

All right, two personal days,

time and a half, and a tuna melt.

But that's my last offer.

Really, there's not that much work to do.

All it'll take is...

- Louie. - ...a few hours.

I can handle it alone.

You know, by myself, just me and...

- Louie. - ...my computer.

Okay, maggot!

- Who sent you? - Louie, it's me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, thank you.

Louie, I needed to talk to you in private because--

You got five seconds to vamoose,

or that's the last crap you'll ever take!

You were saying?

Louie, I need you tonight.

Uh-huh.

But we have to be very, very discreet,

because I think Toby's starting to suspect something.

I'm listening.

Okay, okay, here's my plan. You leave at 5:00.

Make sure Toby thinks you're staying at home tonight.

So, after she leaves, I'll wait an hour,

I'll go home, we'll meet at my place at 7:00.

What about your lady friend?

She and the kids are out of town.

We'll have the whole place to ourselves, hmm?

I'll bring a lasagna.

You're right, you're right,

this typeface looks much better, it's a great idea.

Ah, the computer did all the work.

All I did was point the mouse, and pull the trigger.

Be careful, that's hot.

I want to thank you for everything you've done for me,

you know, I don't know where I'd be without you.

Hey, are you blushing?

Martin, I'm not used to flattery.

In my business, once you're made,

the next compliment you get is when they send flowers to your funeral.

Oh.

Uh, that's probably the guy from Del Ponte's.

I ordered a tiramisu.

I don't even know they delivered.

Well, they do if you ask them nice.

Hi, Martin.

It's Toby, quick, hide all that work stuff.

Ow, ow, ow.

Martin?

What are you doing?

Uh, I don't have any shoes on.

I'll be right there.

- Ow! - Sorry.

- Toby, something wrong? - No.

Good, good. Thanks for stopping by.

Look, I know you need help with those one-sheets,

and I'm in a good mood,

so I figured I'd give you a special bargain rate.

One personal day and no food.

Louie, what are you doing here?

I'm, uh-- I'm eating.

With a friend. Nothing more.

Well, isn't this a coincidence?

Martin has a lot of work to do,

and, Mr. I'm Gonna Stay Home Tonight

And Watch The Sound of Music just happens to come over.

Well, I finished working early, and invited Louie over to watch the movie.

We would have asked you to join us,

but I know how much you hate Christopher Plummer.

Oh, I see.

And were you planning to watch the movie...

on this?

Pardon me while I half hysterics.

I've been looking for that all over.

Damn that new maid.

What's that on your sleeve?

This?

That's just a little mustard.

From these corn beef sandwiches

that we had as an appetizer.

It's canary yellow white-out.

That's Louie's shade.

Oh, God.

Martin, how could you?

Two-timing a woman in my condition.

Toby, it's not what you think.

And you,

you Benjamin Arnold.

Double-crossing your own flesh and blood.

You two should be ashamed of yourself!

Toby.

All right, go ahead!

Staple my fingers! I deserve it!

All right, better yet, cut one off, I'll go with eight.

Come on, cous, say something.

Okay, you're fired.

- What? - You heard me.

Well, how are my two favorite Pedalbees this morning?

I'm fine, he's unemployed, get out of here.

Louie, stay where you are. Toby, in my office.

Toby.

Look, about last night,

it just happened, you know?

I was under pressure, and Louie was there.

I mean, it wasn't his fault.

Yes, it was, you never would have strayed

if he hadn't strutted his 120 words per minute in front of your face.

Come on, come on, there's more than enough work for the two of you.

You know, we could work something out.

No, I can't keep sharing a desk with him

as though nothing ever happened.

Either he goes or I go.

Shh, one little sound starts to hold avalanche.

You don't have to share a desk.

I'll get him his own desk. In his own office.

I guess I have my answer.

I'll send for my things.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah, I guess, I--

Martin, I want to thank you for standing by me.

Don't worry.

I want to make you very happy.

Louie, what are you doing?

Martin, you've awakened feelings in me

that I never knew I had.

Except maybe once or twice in prison.

Oh, Louie, you pulled a lot of boners in your time,

but this tops them all.

No, Louie, this has been

fun for me too, you know, but I think there's been

some kind of a misunderstanding.

What about all those things you said?

It wasn't just leading me on, was it?

Because I would hate to think of what I would do

if I thought that you were

just toying with my affections.

Of course not, of course not.

I would never toy with your affections or anything else of yours.

Not that I don't find you appealing.

I think you're a very, very attractive man.

Really, you don't think I need plugs?

I wouldn't change a thing.

But I can't be involved with you right now,

because I--

I'm already in a relationship.

Ah, is that all?

One phone call, she's [indistinct],

so full of dope that she won't even know her name.

No, Louie, don't. Don't, don't, don't.

Don't do that.

I'm sorry if I misled you.

Okay, but it can't work out between us,

no, because I'm-- I'm not gay.

Hey, I'm not gay either.

I just want to make love to you,

and bring you fresh croissants every morning.

Well, I'm watching my cholesterol.

And I like girls.

I see.

Then I guess there's a goodbye.

You mean you're not going to be my secretary anymore?

Wait, wait, Louie,

we can still work together.

In fact, there's so much work you won't even have time to think about us.

I can't.

It'd be like coming to work,

and sitting in an electric chair every day.

By the way, if you tell anybody about this...

you're going to wake up dead.

You know what I mean?

Absolutely.

What kind of a job is this?

Marty? Oh.

I was expecting to find our book fair package on my desk this morning,

and all I found was the November Goodie Box

from my Fetish of the Month Club.

Care to explain?

Well, we're having a bit of a problem with the support staff

in that there's no support

and there's no staff.

Mm, well, that is a problem.

But we're going to have to FedEx something to Chicago tomorrow,

and either it's going to be our package or...

...your package.

It's up to you.

Ow, ow!

We're going to recruit from a maternity board.

Oh, it's you.

Can I come in?

It's a free country.

Toby.

I know how much you love sunflowers.

I couldn't find any, so I--

I got you these.

You can plant them or eat them.

And this is supposed to make me feel better, like some kind of medicine?

Toby, look I--

I want you to come back to work.

Why don't you get your new secretary to help you?

Or is he too busy making you lasagna?

No, no, it's all over with Louie.

So come back to the office, Toby, I mean, you belong there.

Oh, I see.

Now that you're alone, and you got all this work to do,

you come crawling back to me.

I think you're absolutely right.

Of course not.

Of course not, Toby, I don't want to see it end this way.

You know, so just--

- I'm sorry. -"Sorry" is just a word.

Like "periwinkle" or "juice."

Can't undo what you did.

What'll it take to get you back? Tell me what to do. You know, I'll do it.

Martin, you hurt me.

How could you choose Louie over me

after all we've been through?

Well, it's just that the last few years,

you know, we've been just going through the motions.

We're constantly at each other's throats.

Maybe, but I was always there for you.

And when you needed help, I offered to stay late.

You never offered, it was always a fight or a negotiation.

You know, and then Louie showed up.

You know, and he was eager and willing,

and he did things for me, and I never even had to ask him.

And then suddenly work was--

was fun again.

It wasn't always bad between us.

That thing you had with Louie,

we used to have that.

Remember the way we were

when we first started working together?

How do we go wrong?

When did you stop bringing me coffee?

Maybe it was around the time you stopped saying "please."

Oh, you're so right. You're so absolutely right.

It's maybe sometimes I can be kind of--

A dickhead?

I was gonna say inconsiderate.

Toby, if you give me another chance, I'll--

I'll never take you for granted again.

I have to know that you're 100% committed.

This time it was Louie. Next time it could be a Kelly girl

with a cute little laptop and a beeper on a hip.

I promise. It will never happen again.

But you have to promise to be there for me when I need you.

I guess I could schedule my personal feminine matters during lunch.

Hello, cous.

I use my key.

Hello, Martin.

Louie, I think it's time we told Toby the truth about us.

The truth is Louie quit out of loyalty to you,

and I let him go, because I knew he could never replace you.

What he said.

Toby, we're very, very busy.

Why don't we go back to the office, please?

I'll change.

I'll wait for you.

One second, thought, why don't you just take your cab?

You know, I'll reimburse you.