Original subtitles

Well, I certainly don't know what was wrong with the apartment on Fifth Avenue.

It was good enough for Harry Reasoner.

Well, it had some very nice features, but it was just...

- Too rich for me. - ...too drafty.

Plus, it was a little expensive.

Right, which wouldn't be a problem if it weren't so drafty.

I see, well, while we're waiting for my blood blisters to clot,

maybe we ought to just review your needs.

You want three bedrooms,

a view, a fireplace,

a formal dining room, and something not too drafty.

And we need space for the baby's darkroom.

- Yeah. - I have the perfect place for you.

- Well, great. - Where is it?

You're already living there.

Martin, if you just do us all a favor, you move in with her,

and then we all get on with our lives, shall we?

No, no, no. That-- that's not an option.

You see, I lived there with my late husband,

Richard Stone, and, uh, I--

I see, I see. He's the problem, right?

It's an insecurity thing.

Like in Rebecca,

unable to live up to the memory of husband number one.

You want to make something out of it?

Excuse me, but I was husband number one,

he was number two, and I am not insecure, it's--

it's just we-- we haven't discussed it yet.

And it's really not worth discussing.

I see, okay, well,

then let's review our options here.

You could move to Teaneck.

The commute is only an hour and a half,

and it's far less drafty than Fifth Avenue,

or he could stand up to the plate, and be a real man.

Hey, I have no problem living there.

In-- in fact, I think we should live there.

Very good, then you won't be needing me anymore.

Wait, could-- could you just excuse us just for a minute?

Martin, don't let her pressure you.

It's perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable about--

I am not uncomfortable, okay? It makes perfect sense.

You and Jeremy and the baby are happy there, and you know me, I'm--

- A real man. - I'm happy anywhere.

So if it's not a problem for you, then it's not a problem for me.

Well, it's not a problem for me.

Then it's not a problem.

Thank you very much for all your help,

but we're gonna be living at Judith's, and I hope you don't expect a finder's fee.

Of course not, and if you change your mind,

please remember to call Metropolitan Realty.

But you're with Tri-state Realty.

Exactly.

Martin, you're gonna hurt yourself. Are you sure you don't want me to call the mover?

- No, no, no, this is... - Killing me.

...good exercise, besides, movers just end up breaking everything.

Like that, for instance.

Oh, it-- it's okay, it was dying, eventually.

There is something in my way.

- There is something in my way. - What the hell is that?

There is something in my way.

Come on, relax, that's the Autovac.

- It's part of the apartment's new automated computer system. - Huh?

Richard invented it to kill time between his races

on the Grand Prix Circuit.

- Is that so? - Mm-hmm.

Some people from his cyber-- Something lab

installed it last week.

You see, the electric guide senses the spill,

and sends the Autovac over to clean it up.

- Mm. - It's amazing, isn't it?

- Mm, yeah. - Yeah.

There is something in my way.

Yeah, I think I saw one of those at Radio Shack.

Hey, can you open up?

My hands are full.

This is the last time I help you move, man.

Oh, you can put that down anywhere.

And, uh, there you go.

- Thank you. - Thanks a lot.

Oh, Dear. Little Richard's cranky again.

It must be all this late night rehearsals with the Bolshoi.

He's dancing with the Bolshoi?

Oh, Eddie, don't be silly. He's only a baby.

No, they're doing his ballet.

Hey, Martin, before Habib gets back

with the rest of the boxes,

are you sure you really want to live here?

I mean, do you really think

you can do it in Richard Stone's bed?

It's my duty to inform you that you're treading on sacred ground.

A bed is a bed, Eddie.

Good, good, good.

- So then can Nicole and I use it sometime? - What?

She had this fantasy about Richard Stone ever since his workout video.

No, no, no, no, there is no way you can do it in his bed.

Hey, I can do it in any bed.

I can do it in Warren Beatty's bed.

I can do it in Wilt Chamberlain's bed.

I can do it in Richard Stone's bed.

Look, Eddie, just forget it, okay?

And it's not Richard Stone's bed anymore.

It's my bed now, okay?

- Hey! Hey! - What's that?

- Hey! - What's the matter?

The-- the window slammed shut all by itself.

Oh, well, the computer has an internal barometer.

Probably a storm coming.

If you stay up here where I can keep an eye on you, we'll get along just fine.

Jude, look at this.

Mayday, Mayday,

we're the Titanic, and we have struck an iceberg.

Hey, Martin, look at this.

I figured while Jeremy's away this week,

we can make all the noise we want.

Oh, God, Jude, you-- you look hot.

Really?

Very, very hot.

Oh, oh, God, I'm fucking freezing.

What's with the air conditioner?

I guess the thermostat must be on voice command.

Maybe the computer thinks I'm hot.

Cold! Cold, cold, goddammit.

Here, get under the electric blanket.

- It's not on. - My side is, just slide over.

So, we'll have to postpone the honeymoon.

Sorry about the automatic toothpaste dispenser.

It's never done that before.

No, no, no, that's okay.

At least my crotch will be minty fresh all day.

Well, four out of five, dentists recommend that.

- I'll see you later. - Okay.

Uh, where's Little Richard?

Oh, he's down in the lobby

playing backgammon with "The Beav."

- Again? - Mm-hmm.

- Bye. - See ya.

Paper, mister?

Thank you for tripping the Stone 2000 Home Protection System.

Sensors indicate an intruder on the premises.

You have 10 seconds to enter the disarm code.

Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.

Five. Four. Three.

Was that a close one?

The time limit for disarmament has elapsed.

For your convenience, the authorities have been notified.

Heat lasers will be enacted in 10 seconds.

Maybe you punched in the wrong code.

3-3-3? Come on, how could I get that wrong?

I'm telling you, Jude, this computer hates me.

Here, thank Habib for me, will ya?

Martin, if you think you'd be more comfortable in another apartment--

The apartment is fine.

I have no problem with the apartment.

I just want to get this goddamn computer fixed.

Okay, okay, okay, I will have a technician look into it.

I'm sure it's just a glitch.

Thank you.

And by the way, I called the Kennedy Center,

and I could only get two tickets to Little Richard's ballet,

and I promised my mother, but, you know, well,

if you really want to go...

No, no, no, no. Take your mother.

I mean, why give her another reason to hate me?

Okay, then, I'll just see you tonight after the rehearsal.

Okay.

- Bye, Toby. - Bye-bye now, Judith.

Glitch my eye.

- Excuse me? - The computer, that's no glitch.

- That's the vengeful spirit of a soul which cannot rest. - What?

What, I have to write it backwards on a mirror in blood?

It's Richard!

Reaching out from beyond the grave

to grab what's rightfully his.

Thanks for your concern, Toby,

but what I need is a repairman, not an exorcist, okay?

Huh, that's what my cousin Cecil thought,

until he discovered his wet bar

was being possessed by the ghost of Joey Bishop.

What are you talking about? Joey Bishop isn't even dead.

I know! That's the spooky part.

Have you found the problem yet?

You touched this, didn't you?

- No. - Nothing would have gone wrong if you hadn't touched it.

- Wouldn't it? - I didn't touch it.

Good.

Because the Cyberstone 2000 is an incredibly sensitive

piece of cybernetic equipment.

I have the prototype. The Cyberstone 1000 at home.

True, it only controls the lights and garage door.

If my house was on fire, I'd save it before my dog.

And do you know what my dog's name is?

Uh, Skippy?

Richard Stone.

Such was my love for the man.

Absolutely 100% nuts.

That's very touching.

Wait a minute.

What's this?

There seems to be...

a dead cockroach in the power grid.

See? See, I told you it wasn't my fault.

No?

I doubt very much the place was infested

when Dr. Stone lived here.

Just show me, will you?

If the thing starts acting up again,

I mean, what buttons do I push--

Let me try to explain this to you in a way you can understand.

Do not touch this.

Thanks for making it so clear.

Well, we try to speak in layman's terms.

In your case, I just simplify that a notch.

Oh, yes!

Would you cut it out?

I can't help it, man. It's like visiting the Jetsons.

What?

That's it, give me, give it to me.

- Terrific. - Maybe the electric guy didn't catch it.

Hey, let me see it.

What's the big idea?

Give me that.

Get out here, you little bastard!

Worked fine for me.

I'm gonna go get a beer, you want one?

No, no, I just want this stupid machine

to do what it's supposed to.

Oh, my God!

What, what, what, what is it?

- What, what, what, what is it? - I can't believe it.

Uh, this mug just dropped down and then filled with beer.

That's because it's voice activated.

Watch this. Pepsi.

Pepsi, please.

Pepsi.

- Maybe it's out. - No, no, no.

It was just filled.

Calm yourself. Calm yourself, my friend.

I think maybe we soon fix everything.

Pepsi.

Whoa, you know, man, maybe you should call somebody

who knows what they're doing.

I'm Dynamo Dam, the electrical man.

I can fix it, it's probably just a short.

Oh, man.

You okay?

I am fine.

♪ Daisy ♪

♪ Give me your answer, do ♪

Would you-- Please?

I guess this is one time I win.

See, someone must have broken in,

and tried to steal the technology.

I mean, Time magazine says that industrial espionage

is like the-- the insider trading of the '90s.

Liar.

You killed it.

You killed Dr. Stone's creation.

Murder.

I plead guilty to that.

I asked you not to touch it.

Why did you have to touch it? Why?

There's the elevator. Thanks for coming, bye-bye now.

So, what did he say?

He said there was a-- a glitch.

So, I guess, we'll have to live like the Amish,

and set the microwave by hand.

Well, I-- I should get going.

Are you sure you don't want to come?

We could try to scalp another ticket.

No, no, no, no, no, I have to work late,

and I'll-- I'll just catch it on pay-per-view, okay?

Jude.

I'm very, very happy we moved in here.

Mrs. Stone, your limo is ready.

It's the intercom. The car must be here.

That certainly takes a load off my mind.

Bye, Judith. Your ex called from the plane.

She'll call you from the hotel later.

Why didn't you just put her through?

I-- I don't know.

So, anyway, what hotel are you staying in?

What do you mean?

You can't stay in that apartment by yourself.

Richard's spirit is just waiting to get you alone.

You see, your kidney was not enough, he wants the rest of your body.

Just like in Pet Sematary, he'll come back,

but he'll be evil, smart and evil.

Like Rex Reed.

Rex Reed?

You know, Superman's archenemy.

You mean Lex Luthor?

What, are you wasting time thinking about movies?

Your mortal soul's in danger!

We don't believe in ghosts.

Hello?

Hello?

I'm home.

My home.

Not Richard Stone's home,

because, well, he-- he's dead.

And I'm fucking his wife.

I'm not afraid of any husband of the world.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- What's cooking? - You are.

There is something in my way.

Get out of the way, go on!

Ow, ow.

- Hello? - Hello, Martin?

Jude, Jude, Jude, thank God, now, listen.

Martin, are you there?

Hi, this is Martin, I can't talk right now,

so I'll call you back.

What are you--

- Okay then, love you. - J-- Jude! Jude--

It's alive! The monster, it's alive!

Thanks for coming right over, Toby.

Shh, Martin, ghosts hate small talk.

It makes them nuts.

- What is that? - I couldn't find any holy water.

So I got some cream soda.

Don't worry, I said some Hail Marys over at the taxi cab.

Oh, my God!

- Ow, ow, ow. - What's that unholy sound?

That awful wailing?

Toby, that's just a siren out on the street.

That's no siren, Martin. That's the hounds of hell.

Here, don't spill it. It's your only protection.

There is something in my way.

- Huh? - There is something in my way?

No, you're in my way, you little fuck!

Wait, you coming over here, I'm gonna kill you!

All right, okay.

Okay, okay, Richard, you win, you win.

What-- what do you want from me? You want me to move out?

I mean, I'll go.

Okay, you want the rest of my shirt?

Go on, just take it.

But please, just-- just leave me Judith, okay?

That's all that really matters.

Martin, oh, my God. What happened?

Jude. Jude, I--

Jude, I lied, I lied, okay?

I am uncomfortable living here, you know?

And-- and Richard, he bothers me.

He haunted me while he was alive,

and-- and now his ghost is haunting me.

It's haunting me from the beyond.

Okay, Martin, I never thought I'd have to say

this to you or anyone,

but there's no such thing as ghosts.

Richard's gone. He's dead.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Dead or alive, I can't compete with him.

It's not even worth trying, you know?

Martin, I am not looking for you to replace him.

I mean, you could never be Richard.

Oh, well, I feel much better now, thank you.

Oh, no, and he could never be you.

Martin, I love you.

And I just want us to be happy.

So, let's move.

You know, we could live anywhere.

I could even live in your apartment.

My apartment's a shithole.

Oh, but it'll be our shithole.

As long as we're together.

- Richard. - What?

Judith, it stopped.

- It stopped. - I see that.

Do-- do you know what this means?

Well, can't mean the apartment doesn't mean vacuuming.

No, no, it means he's gone.

He's gone. It's over, every--

everything's going to be okay.

It's all over.

A backup system?

Dr. Stone must have installed it

before his brilliance was so tragically snuffed out.

And that, coupled with the trauma the system suffered,

might explain its aberrant, yet understandable behavior.

Oh, you see, Martin, I told you,

there was a logical explanation.

There, we'll have this back to you

as soon as possible, Mrs. Stone.

Ah, actually, Judith and I talked it over,

and we'd like you to have the Cyber stone 2000.

Is this some kind of cruel joke?

No, no, no, no, we think that you'll be able to offer it

the kind of nurturing environment that it really needs.

And the Cyberstone 1000 will have a really nice playmate.

This is the greatest day of my life.

Would you like to come home with me?

It's a small place, but you'll have your own room.

We're free. We're free.

The precocious choreographer was brought on stage

for a curtain call in his snuggly.

He has certainly proved to be much more than a chip

off the old Stone.

- Good for Little Richard. - Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry I missed it.

You know, I'm-- I'm sorry about everything else, too.

Oh, that's okay.

Did you realize that we haven't made love since you moved in?

Well, we haven't exactly been alone, right, I mean--

Yeah, well, we are now.