Original subtitles

- Hi. - Hi. Mm.

Um, as your lawyer,

I strongly advise you against wearing those pants.

Thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that.

And if Judith and I were taking Jeremy--

If Judith and I were taking Jeremy to visit a real university,

I'd change, okay? But for Ithaca State, this is just the part.

Nothing, it's just my dad being a human penis.

Oh, apparently there's more than one interpretation

of the phrase, "10:15, in front of the building."

Oh, you know Martin, when he rants, he loses all track of time.

Now, come on, have I said anything that isn't true?

You know who goes to Ithaca State?

People who aren't smart enough to get into Cornell,

but still want the thrill of living in Ithaca.

Yeah, I believe that's on the front of their brochure.

Martin, I'm sure it's a perfectly fine school.

- Eddie's daughter goes there. - Yeah, and it's all her fault.

If Linda didn't go there, Jeremy never would've heard of this--

Gulag with a gym?

- You're a great help. - Oh, God.

What I'm saying is, you can get into any school he wants,

what is this sudden fascination with Ithaca State?

I am gonna get so laid.

By Linda.

Yes, way.

I was at my Uncle Eddie's party, and she asked me to dance,

and she kept bumping into me and stuff, and--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I'm not finished.

Then she said, "Why don't you come visit me next weekend?

My roommate's gonna be away."

- Huh? - Here.

- Thank you. - Goodbye.

Bye.

Oh, man, I cannot wait to see her naked.

She has the most unbelievable communications program.

I gotta go.

Uh, come on, buddy. We're going to Ithaca.

World-renowned Ithaca State University

is nestled in the foothills of upstate New York,

not far from spectacular Cayuga Lake,

largest of the Five Finger Lakes.

This modern educational facility is home

to over 9,000 eager and talented students

who pursue such fields as chemical engineering,

abnormal psychology, drama,

and animal husbandry.

And that brings us back to beautiful Carmichael Hall,

which will be your home for the next 24 hours.

I hope you've enjoyed our tour, and don't forget

the big fireworks display tonight at midnight.

For you Ithaca State students,

that's when the big hand and the little hand are both on the 12.

Oh, lighten up, this'll be fun.

It'll be like being in college again.

Now, which one of you is Judy Stone?

Well, the smart money is on her.

Ah, goodie, we are gonna be roomies.

I am Mary Pat Wyatt Jones

from Madison, Wisconsin.

Isn't this the most beautiful place you have ever seen?

Our daughter, Alexis, hoping to come here in the fall

if she can just get her grades up a smidge.

Oh, I hope you like cribbage. I am just a whiz.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.

- I need a drink. - Let's get out of here.

- Hi guys. - Oh, oh, there you are.

Dad, did you know the first drummer from Whitesnake went here?

No.

- And it was Reagan's backup school. - Really?

Even if Bonzo gave a lecture on Darwin,

it wouldn't do me any good now.

That's fascinating.

Look, I promised your dad I'd feed you

so you're gonna have dinner with us, okay?

Actually, I've got special plans for Jeremy tonight.

You, uh--you have?

I got us tickets to the Livingston Taylor concert in the Quad.

Wow.

Wow? Livingston Taylor is a wow?

Oh, don't you ever get tired of doing that.

- Okay, so, we'll see you guys tomorrow. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I thought you were rooming with me tonight. - Uh, no, I'm staying at Linda's.

Oh, no, you are not staying with a 20-year-old woman.

What? You think we're gonna like... do it?

Family treat.

Gross, dad, she's Uncle Eddie's daughter.

I mean, that'd be like... incest.

No.

Now that he's old enough to be going steady, he's an absolute metal case.

Brings back fun memories.

Hello.

Fuck, fuck.

What is going on in there?

Nothing, nothing,

I-- I just stubbed my head.

Hold on a minute.

Is this a bad time?

Actually, I was just about to...

...catch up on some work.

- Are you, uh, are you okay? - I just went to pee.

And when I came back,

Mary Pat had put a hanger on the door.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Uh...

So there we were,

me and Mary Pat and Hector,

you know the linen salesman from Tampa.

- The bald guy, big lip, the kid with the skin problem. - That's the one.

- Right. - We're having a perfectly nice game of cribbage.

I was winning, by the way, even though I still have absolutely no idea

how this stupid game is played.

And I go out for two seconds.

And when I come back, I am locked out.

And they're in there doing it.

I mean, what is that about?

- Bad sportsmanship? - This is not about cribbage.

This is about fucking.

This tastes like my chemistry set.

- Where was I? - Fucking.

It's just so easy for people like Mary Pat,

you know, just jumping into bed with any old linen salesman who comes along.

- How does she do that? - Well, she's a nympho.

What are you saying, Jude? You wanna be a nympho?

I'm sure you can if you put your mind to it.

No, I just want it all to be easier.

You know, like it is for you.

I mean, when you're like a bee, just flitting about,

sticking your little beak into every flower that you pass.

Two things.

Two things, number one, bees do not have beaks.

Number two, it's not that easy for me.

I mean, okay, okay, I've had a number of relationships.

There is the understatement of the year.

That doesn't mean I'm just pollinating.

You know, I'm looking for something.

I-- I'm looking for...

Either you or a reasonably plastered facsimile.

...what everybody's looking for, you know,

love and closeness and intimacy.

Yeah. I think I'm gonna get my boobs done.

Wait, what--

- Where'd that come from? - I don't know.

I just assumed that it was yours, but what did you think of these?

Holy Moses.

Well, they're like duffel bags.

You're not gonna get your breasts done, what are you, nuts?

Well, it's just that, now that I'm dating

and then I have to get naked in front of all these strange men--

No, you don't have to get naked. The naked part is optional now.

What are you worried about? Look at you, you're a knockout.

Oh, I'm okay. I have good posture

and I finally have a haircut that works, but...

I have '70s boobs.

- What? - Oh, Martin, you know that I do.

No, no, no, you don't.

I mean, they're elegant and sophisticated.

You ha-- you have timeless breasts.

- Really? - Yeah.

Yeah, they're like a Tiffany watch.

Only bigger. And with nipples.

Thank you.

Ah, I'm, uh-- I'm a poet.

So I hope it's okay that we didn't go to that concert,

but I just didn't feel like I could tell your parents

what we were really gonna do tonight.

- Right, good thinking. - So do you like IS?

I don't think I've ever done that.

Ithaca State? Do you like the school?

Oh, yeah, thanks, it's great.

Uh, I'm gonna come here because it's so, uh... great.

Cool. Listen, Jeremy, if you're getting tired, I can get rid of these.

No, I'm not tired.

I think it's time that we went to bed.

Oh, you know, come to think of it,

- I am a little beat. - Okay.

Okay, everybody, party's over.

- You guys are good, right? - Yeah, my room.

Yeah, come on, we'll go.

Here, let me help you clean up.

All right.

I'm fine, everything's great.

That's funny.

Yeah. Well, thank you.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Hmm, so, when was the last time you were drunk in the dorm?

Uh...

about two years ago when I was seeing Kate's daughter.

I suppose what I meant was,

when was the last time I was drunk in a dorm?

Shut up, shut up.

That would have been last day of school, sophomore year,

right before you broke up with me because you thought

you were gonna join the Peace Corps.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The Peace Corps was junior year,

and sophomore year is when you broke up with me

'cause you wanted to spend the summer in Florida

with that drama girl who gave you crabs.

No, no, no, they weren't crabs.

No, they were some kind of harmless parasite

that was just, you know, living in my-- my groin area.

Crabs.

But I-- I didn't break up with you so I could be with her.

I just couldn't stand to be around you

after you read The Feminine Mystique.

Oh, yeah, well, what about, remember when you dumped me,

so that you could do that ridiculous zen celibacy thing?

You remember?

Oh, God, how long did that last, like a week?

Well, it's just because you tormented me.

Oh, yeah, well, if you call torment wearing a purple miniskirt.

No, no, no, it had nothing to do with a miniskirt

it was because you tried to undo my zipper with your teeth on the library roof.

You remember that?

Oh, my God, I forgot I did that.

I am yours.

I do love you and will love you no matter where I am forever.

Oh, my God, so glad it's over.

I guess we make better friends than lovers.

It's hopeless.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Oh.

I'm gonna go wash up.

Why don't you get ready for bed?

Great, good idea.

I'll be right back.

Anyway, I-- I should, um,

probably go back and see if I can get into my room.

Oh.

Okay.

What's up?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Jeremy.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought I should wear one to be safe.

No, I mean, what the hell are you doing?

Oh.

Oh, uh...

nothing.

I'm, uh...

You know, I think I forgot something in the bathroom

and I'm just gonna go back in there and-- and get it.

And maybe when I come out, you can be--

- Gone? - That'll work.

All right.

Hey, um...

thanks for talking to me.

It really helped.

Anytime.

- Good night, Martin. - Goodnight.

There's something rushing around inside of me.

I...

I feel like giving presents to everyone.

- Judith. - Shh.

♪ When I fall in love ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

♪ Or I'll never fall ♪

♪ In love ♪

♪ When I give my heart ♪

♪ It will be completely ♪

♪ Or I'll never give ♪

♪ My heart ♪

♪ And the moment ♪

♪ I can feel that ♪

♪ You feel that way too ♪

♪ Is when I fall in love ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ And the moment I can feel that ♪

♪ You feel that way too ♪

♪ Is when I fall in love ♪

♪ With you ♪

Yeah, you know, Ithaca State has a terrific communications program.

And did you know that the student teacher ratio is 13 to one?

Yeah, they were voted best buy by the US News and World Report.

Guys, I'm not going to Ithaca State. The school totally sucks.

Why are you so excited about it all of a sudden?

Well, because last night, your mother and I finally had...

- Sex. - ...a chance to read the catalog.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna spend the night at Bobby's.

- Great, great, okay, bye-bye. - Good idea.

- Bye, honey. - Have fun now.

- Love you. - Yeah, be careful.

You wanna come in?

Martin, uh, you know, I-- I had a wonderful time in Ithaca.

You know, it was romantic and special.

But that was Ithaca and-- and this is New York, so, um...

You gotta slow down.

You're right. You're right, you're right.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

Or later, or sooner or later, or whatever.

Great.

Sorry, I don't know what got into me.

I think you broke my zipper.

I'm so embarrassed. We can't let this happen again.

Oh, my God, I'm double parked.

I-- I gotta go.

I have to meet Eddie at the game...

two hours ago, and I have the tickets.

What are we doing? We can't do this.

Well, yes, we can.

Yes, we can. I mean, what-- what's stopping us?

Oh, have you forgotten about Rachel?

Oh.

- Sort of. - Yeah, well, I-- I haven't.

Look, uh, I have to go,

I-- I have to answer Little Richard's email from computer camp.

Jude, can't we talk about this?

You're seeing someone else. There is nothing to talk about.

I-- I gotta go.

No, Jude!

There's only one intelligent decision to be made.

All right, I wash my hands of this.

If you dump Rachel for Judith, you are just beyond help.

Rachel's great, I know she's great.

You don't have to tell me she's great,

but this is something I really, really have to do, Eddie.

And it's not gonna be any easier with you here

washing your hands, so please, please.

- Fine, fine. - Thank you. Thank you.

I can't let you do this.

There are a million reasons why you shouldn't get back with Judith...

...and I'm sure nothing I say is gonna make a bit of difference.

You're right, you're right. So stop talking.

Come on, Rachel's gonna be here any minute.

Wait, there's something you should know.

I... am in love with Judith.

I've always loved her.

Yeah, all the other women, just a cover up.

She's the only woman for me.

So please, just... don't stand in our way.

- You are not in love with Judith! - No, I'm not.

In fact, I don't particularly like her.

It's just that, man, I'll say anything, I'll do anything.

I just don't wanna see you hurt again.

Great, I really appreciate your concern. Now let's go.

I'm not concerned about you. I'm concerned about me. I can't go through that again.

All your crying and your whining.

I-- I just don't have the strength.

Don't you think about anybody but yourself?

Let-- let me explain this to you one more time.

Judith and I are in love and we're gonna give this a shot.

And as hard as this may be on you,

I'm guessing you're probably gonna make it through alive.

Okay? Now come on.

It's lunchtime.

- Hey, Eddie. - Hey.

Uh, Rachel, what's, uh-- what's all that?

Well, now I know you wanted to go out to lunch,

but I figured why embarrass ourselves

with public displays of affection

when we can have them right here in the privacy of your own office.

Oh, that's-- that's so sweet.

That's really, really sweet.

Really.

Aw. Is that a wonderful woman or what?

I mean, any guy would be lucky to have her.

Any guy.

In fact, Rachel, are you busy this weekend?

I have plans with Martin, my boyfriend.

I'll call you later.

Goodbye, Eddie. Take care now.

I hope you like vichyssoise.

I don't, but it's just so much fun to say.

Hi, baby.

Uh, Rachel,

can I talk to you for just a-- for just a minute?

- What, is something wrong? - No, no, no, no.

Nothing we can't work out like mature adults.

Hey, Rach, love that message.

Listen, I know you're hurting right now, so--

But if you need somebody to talk to, I'm right here.

And hey, you can do much better than Martin.

In fact, if you're free tonight,

I know this great little Thai place that--

Gotta go.

- It's done. - What's done?

I broke up with Rachel.

- I take you for a wife. - You did?

Why? Why would you do a thing like that?

You two seemed so great together.

Pardon me, my mistake. I think we got the wrong room.

Jude...

I did it for us, you know, so we could be together.

Oh, I don't know about that.

What am I supposed to think if this is the way you treat women?

What?

First you cheated on her, and then you broke up with her

to run off with the first thing that comes along.

How can I trust you after that?

Well, you wanted me to do this.

Oh, fine, just put it on me.

How can you expect me to just jump into this relationship

where you're gonna blame me for every little thing that goes wrong?

You're talking like a lunatic.

Excuse me, I'm just gonna go home and bang my head against the sink.

Oh, don't leave.

Jude, what's with you?

You're on, you're off, you're kissing me,

you're not kissing me, you want me to break up with Rachel?

You don't want me to break up with Rachel. What do you want from me?

- I wanna be with you. - I'm right here.

I'm right here, and there's nothing standing in the way, so what's the problem?

Well, the problem is that...

- I love you. - I love you too!

Ah, then why are you yelling at me?

Jude, Jude.

Remember what it was like, Martin?

You know, towards the end?

- I guess I blocked it out. - What if it's worse this time?

I mean, what if we think of new and more horrible things to do to each other?

But, Jude, I know it's scary, but I'm willing to try.

I just have to know if you are, okay?

If you're in, that's great. If you're out, now, that's great too.

We'll still be friends, we'll still go to lunch. I just have to know.

Are you in... or out?

I...

I think I'm out.

Oh.

Okay.

Great.

Oh, good.

So, um, you wanna go get some lunch?

Forget it, we are never going to lunch again.

I mean, if you're out, then lunch is out.

- But I thought you said-- - I lied.

I lied, I thought, "Sure you're gonna say in."

I can't believe you said out.

Can I just please say one thing?

What's that one thing gonna be? Is it in?

'Cause if it's not in, there's really nothing to talk about.

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna unpack,

pay some bills, and get over you forever.

In.

Oh, what a beautiful word.

♪ When I fall in love ♪

♪ It will be forever ♪

God's in his heaven and all's right with the world.