Original subtitles

Oh!

- Hey, bud, what's going on? - Nothing. I just started eating.

Oh, come on, let me take you to dinner.

- Eddie, I'm eating now, see? - No, you don't want this.

Grrrr!

Let's go. What are you in the mood for?

Oh jeez, I don't know, Chinese?

Hey, Martini! Surprise!

Oh-ho-ho!

- Hey, Eddie, it's-- - Frankenstein special.

- Pete. - Pete LaSalle.

- What are you doing here? - It's kind of a long story.

You know, the company that I used to work for

merged with another company, and they offered me

$100,000 to just go away.

I don't know why.

Anyway, I moved back here to New York,

and I cornered Eduardo here into some dinner plans,

and he thought maybe you'd like to make it a trifecta.

I mean, it'll be just like the old days

- of the lunchroom, huh? - I'm not hungry.

You know, I forgot my wallet.

Eduardo, why don't you help me look for it?

We'll be right back, okay? Ah? Okay. Yeah.

Okay, bye.

There is no way I'm goin' out with that guy.

Oh, Martin, have a heart.

This guy just lost his job. He's lonely.

You can't make me spend an entire meal with him alone!

- Please! - Yes, I can.

He called you. He's your problem.

Martin, if you're any kind of a friend to him--

I'm not. I don't even like the guy, okay? I just feel sorry for him.

Which is exactly why you should go.

Come on, I mean, it would mean a lot to him.

If we go together, it won't be so painful.

You...

Well, I'm a sucker for a worthy cause.

Hey, check this out.

Your apartment number is the same

- as Catherine the Great's birthday, 502. May 2nd. - Neat.

Ah, shit. My producer.

Listen, guys, I'm gonna have to take a rain check.

So you two guys have fun.

Why, you dirty double crossing--

Hey! Oh!

Martin, Pete LaSalle for you.

Again?

Look, just tell the guy he can-- come right in.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Are you on your way out, Martini?

- Because maybe I'll go with. - Actually, I just got here.

You know, I'm working the graveyard shift tonight.

You know, boring, boring, boring.

- I'll just hang. - I'll get the rope.

I've always been interested in the editorial process.

Stay out of my hair!

So, she's even more beautiful than her voice.

- Who is? - Toby.

I met her on the way in. Whew!

She kind of reminds me of a modern-day Mae West.

Yeah. Oh yeah, she's a looker.

It's all I can do to get any work done around here.

Oh!

Could you excuse me for just a- a minute?

Toby, do you have any plans for tonight?

Martin, I told you, I'm not interested in you in that way.

No, no, no.

I was wondering if you'd like to go out with Pete?

- Because I think he might-- - Leave me alone.

Be the perfect guy for you.

Who? The guy you said glommed on to you and wouldn't let go?

Toby, you misunderstood.

When I said "glom," I meant that in the good sense.

Like the way a cat gloms. You know, the...

Forget it. Martin, you've known me 12 years.

Don't you have any idea what my type is?

Toby, he's exactly your type.

You know, he's nice, and fun, and...

And I'll give you the day off tomorrow.

And maybe you'd like to buy yourself a new outfit.

That covers the blouse.

You expect me to run around with no pants?

I need shoes.

- That's all the money I have. - Fine, you owe me 50 bucks.

- Everything copacetic in here? - Good news.

Toby's free tonight and she'd love to have dinner with you.

Terrific!

Martini, you sure you don't wanna come with?

- Perfect, Martin'll come with. - Great!

No, Toby, you remember what we discussed?

Martin, I'm an old-fashioned girl.

I would never dream of going without a chaperone. Never!

- Ah, very good. - Wow!

Toby, did you hear that? Huh? Fluent Japanese.

That Pete's a real man of the world.

No, no, not really. I just learned it from a tape.

Actually, I've never been west of Cincinnati.

Although I must say, I have always been a real Nipponophile.

Could you turn down the air conditioning?

Speaking of Japanese things, why don't you tell Pete

about that great new VCR you're always talking about? Go ahead.

It's a Panasonic.

In Japan, Panasonic goes by the name National.

And Mazda is called Matsuda, which means "pine forest."

Why don't you say something?

Boy, this sushi sure looks great, huh?

In Japan, the average Japanese man consumes over 500 pounds of sushi a year,

and I must consume 600.

How many pounds would you say you consume?

None. I'd sooner eat a human finger.

This may be the last chance I have, I wanna make it count.

You know, you guys have a lot in common.

You're both Catholic, and you're both right-handed, and-- what? What?

What's so funny?

- You've got some-- - Soy sauce on your chin.

Perfect, uh, you were saying?

What else do you have in common? Well, uh...

Well, you both know me.

It's working. It's working.

You know, last year Martin and I were walking to a meeting,

and a pigeon-- pfft! Right on his head.

He had no idea.

And I didn't tell him for like, five hours.

Once, in chem lab, Martin singed off both of his eyebrows

with a Bunsen burner,

and he had to wear Band-Aids for the rest of the semester.

You know, I really should finish up back at the office.

- Do you guys mind if I bow out? - No, no, go right ahead.

- Go on. [laughs] Go! - Okay, you two have fun.

I'm free! At last, I'm really free.

Well, it looks like Gary Cooper seems to like you.

He's usually a pretty good judge of character.

Actually, when cats rub up against you,

it's not a sign of affection, it's marking its territory

using a secretion from a small gland in the eye.

So what, are you telling me I'm walking around with cat eye secretion on me?

I like that.

Of course, if I were to rub up against you,

that would be a sign of affection.

- Would you like that? - Sure, what the hell.

It looks as if we might kill two birds with one stone.

Oh, God.

Oh, God! Ohhh God!

Wait! Not yet!

Think of baseball players.

Joe...

Papi-ohhh!

Oh. Want some juice?

Reverend Wildwood, I am thrilled

that you're considering working with me on your next book.

I watch your show religiously, no pun intended.

- No, but it makes me-- - Feel kinda sick to my stomach.

- Feel good inside. - Good!

It is imperative for me to work with a man

of the highest moral character.

I left my last publishing company when I discovered

that my editor was living in sin with his girlfriend.

- Sin! - Mm! Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Well, I can assure you I'm your guy.

And I firmly believe that if we can do a book

which speaks to your eight million viewers, we can make...

Plenty of happy cabbage.

A lot of headway toward correcting what's wrong with this country.

- Amen. - The lack of moral fiber.

- Amen! - The decay of family values.

Praise the Lord!

I'm pregnant! You did this to me.

- What? - I didn't wanna do it.

But you kept pressuring me, and pressuring me.

"Come on, just this once. It'll be fun."

- This is not what it sounds like. - You paid me to do it!

I wish I'd never seen your money.

Toby, why don't you wait outside?

No, I have a score to settle with you.

Would you excuse us for just a minute?

Yes, I think that would be best.

Your friend Pete planted his seed of life in me.

Oh my God.

How did that happen?

I don't know!

We used a condom, we used a diaphragm.

But his sperm is as persistent as he is.

- Toby, what are you gonna do? - I'm gonna have the baby.

This may be my only chance to be a mother.

Martin, I'm 40 years old.

How many eggs you think I have left in here?

- Have you told Pete yet? - Oh, what do I say?

Pete, instead of meeting me at the Putt Putt Golf tonight,

why don't you just meet me at the altar?

Whoa, whoa! You're planning on marrying him?

I have to, my family has a strict moral code.

You meet a man, you get pregnant, you get married.

Toby, I'm sure your family will understand.

What, are you kidding?

I'll be a disgrace to the Pedalbee name.

They'll make me wear a big scarlet letter on my chest

like Laverne, in "Laverne and Shirley."

Toby, the first thing you have to do is talk to Pete.

No! He's your friend. You forced him on me.

- You talk to him. - What?

Make him marry me.

And tell him I want a spring wedding.

She's pregnant?

- Oh my God, that's great! - What?

Oh, well, I just always assumed I was sterile.

I mean, I do wear briefs, and studies show

that tends to raise the temperature of the scrotum.

Oh, would you shut up? This is not about your fucking scrotum.

Look, Toby is pregnant, and she intends to have it.

Now what do you intend to do about it?

I know what I wanna do.

I wanna ask her to marry me.

- You do? - Yes.

I never knew I could feel this way about a woman before, but...

Oh, I can't do it.

- Why not? - Well, what if she says no?

I mean, she's so...

Beautiful, and so full of fire, like...

Like Mount St. Helens.

Oh, she could have anyone.

Pete, she is not going to say no.

- Do you really think so? - Believe me.

Woo!

What a hunk of ice.

You could play hockey on it.

Or midgets could, anyway.

I got a diamond that size lodged in my colon.

If I pass it, I'm gonna make you matching earrings.

Aww!

You know, they say diamonds are forever.

Some stones have been known to disintegrate after several million years.

And I hope we're gonna be together so long

I have to buy you another one. Muah!

I'm gonna go check on the dip.

- Hey, Martin, gimme your hand. - I'd really rather not.

What do you think I'm gonna do? Put it between my legs?

Gimme your hand.

I just got a new tattoo right... there.

You know what it says?

- I don't know, "Mom?" - No.

Come in the john, and I'll show it to you.

Then I'll give you the best 20 minutes of your life.

Nothing personal, I'm just, I'm not interested.

- What are you, a fairy? - Yes, Gina. Yes, I am.

Could you excuse me for just a moment?

- You know, I'm so proud of you. - Thanks, Ma.

Yeah, I mean, Gina's been married between four

and seven times, but this is special.

Because you're my firstborn.

And I always loved you more than her.

Ma, were you nervous before you got married?

Oh, sure. Hey, marriage is scary.

Especially when you hardly know the guy.

Like when your father knocked me up.

I mean, over time, I grew to love him.

And when Gina's father knocked me up,

over time, I grew to love him, too.

- That's good to hear. - Yeah.

Of course, after a while, they get on your nerves.

You can always dump 'em.

- Toby? - Hey, Martini.

I've been looking for you!

Because you're responsible for our present state of premarital bliss,

we would like you to grace us with a toast.

Everyone, Martin's gonna make a toast.

Everyone, please, come on, gather round.

Gather round. Thank you. Martin.

Here's looking at you.

I guess I have a few words to say.

It's rare when you see two people so--

- Very irritating. - ...special come together.

And Pete and Toby have both given me a lot of...

Human misery. And do you know what goes with misery?

Suffering. And what goes with suffering?

Joy.

And I'm sure they're gonna give each other a lot of joy in the future.

But before we toast Pete and Toby, I'd like to give you this.

Please use them now for the first time, and on many,

many happy occasions over the next 50 years.

Nice goin', Martin.

Toby, come on out now.

You don't want Louie to shoot the lock?

No, I'll only talk to Martin.

Maybe she has a question about work.

Oh. Oh no.

Come on. Come on. Get in there.

Go! Go on now, she's just upset.

Take care of it.

What's wrong?

Our initials are all mixed up together in glass.

First of all, it's crystal.

But if you don't like it, I can get you something else.

I mean, how about a nice blender? Would you like that?

Martin?

I don't think I can marry him.

I mean, he's smart and nice,

and he's got a penis like you wouldn't believe.

- Yeah, well, anyway. - But he's kind of annoying.

Although I wouldn't mind that, if- if I loved him.

If you don't love him, maybe you shouldn't marry him.

You have to do what's best for you, not your family.

No, it's not just them. It's just...

Ah, forget it.

What? Come on, what? Tell me.

I don't think I can take care of this baby alone.

I mean, what if I drop it on its head

or I leave it on the subway?

Toby, come on. You're very maternal.

I mean, you took care of your cats alone.

Oh Martin, that's cats.

You drop 'em, they land on their feet.

A person's different.

I never took care of a person before.

Well, that's not true. That's not true.

You've taken care of me for the last 12 years.

Yeah, and look at you.

I don't want my kid to end up like you. Your life's a mess.

Oh, I've had enough.

Look, Toby, having a baby is terrifying,

but so is getting a new Xerox machine.

Remember how scared you were of that, huh?

Remember? But now you're in there making copies,

and that's sort of like making formula, right?

And you're changing the toner,

and that's sort of like changing diapers.

It's all the same thing.

You're gonna be an expert in no time.

But what if I'm not?

Toby, you're a very capable and loving person

when you wanna be, and I think you're gonna be

a terrific mother, either by yourself or with Pete.

I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do.

I can't tell you what to do.

Just be strong, and go with your heart.

- Everything copacetic in here? - I'm not gonna marry you.

- What? What do you mean? - Martin told me not to.

Pete, that's not exactly the case.

- You son of a bitch! - Toby-- ah!

Pete, this is not my fault! Toby, help me!

I can't. I'm a pregnant woman.

Fight! Fight! Ma! Fight! Fight! Fight!

You said she'd marry me.

You told me to propose!

I bought an $8,000 ring.

I'll give you 2,500 for that ring right now, unmarked bills.

Pete, she doesn't love you.

What are you saying? The baby's yours, isn't it?

You son of a bitch! Bastard!

Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby!

Oh, isn't this sweet? They're fightin' over my Toby.

Toby, I think you and Pete need to have a little talk.

I'd rather not. You do it.

No, no, no! I'm going home.

I'll meet you there.

Ow! I don't think so.

That's what he thinks.

Thank you.

Martini, I'm sorry.

Toby explained everything.

She did?

- Are you okay? - I guess.

Oh, she was so kind.

We must've talked for 3 hours. Do you know what she said to me?

I haven't had my hair washed since Labor Day.

I give up.

- She said: - you're a sweet guy,

and you know more stuff than anybody I ever met.

But you don't know anything about me.

And I don't know anything about you.

- That's not true. - Oh, yeah?

What's the name of my first cat?

What's my shoe size? What's my favorite dessert?

- Meringue? - Chocolate pudding.

You see, how can you marry someone,

they don't even know your favorite dessert?

You know, you can paraphrase if you want.

I don't need to.

I can remember every word.

To be honest, I know you well enough

to know I don't want to know you any better.

Wait. That came out wrong.

The point is, I don't think it's gonna work out.

And I would rather have you be my baby's father and my friend

than my baby's father, and my ex-husband.

I understand.

I guess we better go tell everyone the news.

Nah, let's not tell 'em tonight.

That way we can keep the presents.

Split 'em between us.

Yeah, that's it. Just let it out.

I really appreciate everything you've done for me.

Sancho Panza would pale as a friend compared to you.

I'm here for you.

You know, Martini, it is weird. We're like the same person.

I mean, here we are, we've both been dumped

by the women we loved.

We're both single dads.

It is a real blessing that we have each other to lean on.

The one blessing I can count is that you aren't twins.

You know who else is a single dad?

Eduardo. In fact, why don't I call him right now?

- He can join us. - It's 4:30 in the morning.

He won't mind.

Hey, Mar--