Original subtitles

- Um, Martin. - Hmm?

I don't mean to be too demanding,

but I need more attention from you.

I'm sorry, didn't you?

Because if not, I can always...

Dive! Dive!

...try something different.

Oh, no, the sex was great.

I'm talking about emotional attention.

I don't feel like I'm a priority in your life.

What do you mean?

We see each other every weekend,

and we went apple picking, and-- and we made cobbler.

But that was my idea.

I feel like I'm giving more than I'm getting.

You never buy me flowers

or just take me away for the weekend.

Well, to be fair, it was my cobbler recipe.

Look, I know you're really busy,

and maybe you just don't have the time or energy for this.

So maybe now would be a good time to make a clean break.

No, no, no, no.

I-- I don't want to break anything. I...

You better think of something.

Okay, look, I wasn't going to mention it,

but I've been planning this big, giant surprise

for the night you get back from London.

Really?

- What is it? - Well...

Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, if-- if I told you,

it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

Oh, Martin, you're so sweet. And don't I feel like an idiot?

I'm sorry. I guess I was just feeling insecure.

That was a close one.

And tomorrow's circus week continues

as our special guest, Roger Ludd, shoots himself out of a cannon.

Well, say "goodbye," clowny.

Goodbye, clowny.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye, everyone.

- We'll see you tomorrow. - Bye-bye.

And we're clear.

How dare you upstage me with that crippled girl?

I was the one who was supposed to give her a hug.

Oh, hug this.

Oh...

You wanna walk to lunch, or should we just take your tiny little car?

What? What? What's with you?

- I don't want to talk about it. - Fair enough.

I guess you have no idea what a week from Monday is.

- It's payday. - Yom Kippur.

Festival a Ramadan.

I don't know. What? Elf week?

Wait a minute. Would that be the 11th?

Hey, it's your birthday.

My 40th birthday.

I'm turning 40 and nobody gives two shits.

What are you talking about? I give two shit.

Your parents, they probably give at least a shit a piece, so that's four right there.

- No, I don't even want to talk about them. - Okay.

You know what they're doing to celebrate my birthday?

They're going to Providence to spend it with my sister.

So she's having a baby. Big deal.

She'll have other babies. How often do I turn 40?

Eddie, isn't that a little selfish?

Exactly.

It's not like the kid's going to remember it or anything.

I don't know why I'm surprised.

They always loved Triva more than me.

To tell you the truth, I always liked her better, too.

Come on! Well, you're making way too big a deal out of this.

I'll tell you what, we'll do something on your birthday.

We'll go to dinner or to a Knick game or...

A surprise party? You mean a social gathering of friends

about which is not acquainted beforehand.

Yeah. Yeah, Knicks game.

That's perfect. I'll get the tickets. Huh?

Okay? Huh? Come on.

Hey, Dr. Charles, Mrs. Charles.

Martin!

Oh, look at you. It's so good to see you.

It's been a long time.

You were due for a peri-recall a year ago.

- Didn't you get our reminders? - Uh, yes. Yes, I did, but...

- I threw it away. - ...I've been kind of busy.

Well, you're in luck.

My 4:00 just ran out of here screaming.

Let me take a look.

Look inflamed. Have a seat. Come on.

Ah, Dr. Charles, I'm not here about my gums.

It's-- it's about Eddie.

- Eddie? - Eddie?

Eddie flosses during meals.

You could drive a spike through those gums and they wouldn't bleed.

Uh, I'm not talking about his gums.

Eddie's a little hurt that you guys aren't going to be around for his birthday.

Oh, gracious sakes.

I wish he'd told us how he felt.

- Eddie's always been such a sensitive boy. - Hmm.

Anyway, I'm throwing a surprise party on Sunday,

and it would mean a lot to him if you could be there.

Oh, we'll be there.

Triva's not due for another two weeks.

Great. Great.

So I'll see you at my place at 7:00.

And right now I gotta go

to that very important meeting I'm kinda late for.

We'll see you for full root planing

and a deep quadrant scaling.

Uh, I'm kind of tied up for the next few weeks.

Oh? Oh, well, fine. There's something we can put off for another year.

Then we'll fit you for some dentures.

I'll make an appointment.

.

Just tell Linda we're having a surprise party

for her dad next Sunday and to-- to give me a call.

Oh. Thanks.

You-- you have a nice voice, too.

My late 30s. I-- Hello?

Hello?

Hi. Little Richard and I just finished our gourmet cooking class,

so I thought I'd stop by and see if you were free for lunch.

What'd you do with the kid?

Oh, he stayed after class to show the teacher how to butterfly a veal chop.

That can be tricky.

I'd love to have lunch, but I have a lot to do for Eddie's party.

Oh, have you hired a caterer yet?

Because I've been toying with the idea of maybe starting a catering business,

and, well, I could try out a few recipes.

That's a great idea.

I mean, starting a business, but I-- I don't want to put you out.

No, no, no, no. It's no problem.

Have you thought of a theme yet? Every party needs a theme.

Well, I was thinking birthday was the theme.

No, no, Martin, Martin, you need a culinary through line.

Like last week, I went to this fundraiser for the Rwandan hunger relief,

and on every table, they had caviar

in the shape and colors of their flag.

Oh, so that theme would be,

"We indulge in caviar while they kill each other over a bag of rice."

Forget it, if you don't want my help, then just--

Oh, Jude, please. Please. It would be great.

And you can pick any theme you want,

as long as you have a Cookie-Puss cake for dessert,

because that's Eddie's favorite.

You see, the theme is "Around the World in 80 Dishes."

Now, this table is Europe. We have French, Italian, Greek.

And then over there is Asia and the Asian subcontinent.

What are you doing with the refried beans?

- I'm putting it right here. - In Russia?

And what would refried beans be doing in Russia?

You're right. How stupid of me.

Doorbell!

It's Linda.

Hi, is he here yet?

Here, take this to Mexico. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Okay, okay. Everybody's here.

It's T-minus two minutes and counting.

So, no talking, okay? Lights, lights, lights, lights.

Okay. Shh. Shh. Shh.

It's Eddie.

Surprise!

- Dina. - Martin.

- Hi. - Hi.

I-- I...

I forgot about you.

I'm thrilled to see you.

How was your trip?

Fine. What's going on here?

Hmm?

Oh, uh, this?

This is the surprise I planned for you.

I wanted you to meet my best friend 's family.

That's not it. She ain't even Black.

You forgot, didn't you?

What? Are you kidding me? I thought you loved this.

Meeting a best friend's family is a big turning point in the relationship.

These are Eddie's parents, Dr. and Mrs. Charles,

and this is his daughter, Linda.

Hi. Oh, my God. It is so nice to meet you.

Did you fly in from Kenya just for the party?

Kenya? What?

For a second there, I thought you said this was Eddie's daughter.

Well, I may have. I forgot what I said.

- You forget a lot of things, don't you? - Huh?

I'm Linda, your granddaughter.

Didn't Eddie tell you about me?

Hey. What's going on here?

A major disaster.

Uh, hey!

It's the birthday boy! Surprise!

Explain this to us. You have a daughter?

- We have a granddaughter? - That you never told us about?

What's going on here?

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow!

Uh, are you having a nice time?

May I talk to you in the kitchen?

On the one in a million chance

you have an explanation for all this,

now would be the time to tell me.

Your homecoming and Eddie's birthday fell on the same day,

so I thought I'd throw one giant double surprise party, and I think it's a big success.

I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life.

Jude! Jude. Why don't you show Dina some of that great British stuff you make,

in honor of her trip.

Uh, how's everybody on drinks?

I was gonna tell you.

I was just waiting for the right moment.

When? When a girl hit menopause?

Byron, this could be our own fault.

Marla, what are you talking about?

You know, waiting till Eddie was 15 before we told him he was adopted.

I knew it was gonna come back to haunt us.

You're adopted?

I'm adopted?

- I'm adopted? - I don't understand.

You told him when you took him on the camping trip.

Actually, it-- it never came up.

It never came up?

You were waiting on him to mention it?

Uh, Eddie, why don't you start in with presents?

I-- I don't believe this. This is a joke, right?

Now, Marla, don't put this all on me.

Now, you had plenty of opportunity to tell him yourself.

You told me never to bring it up.

You said that was the way he wanted it.

Does-- does Triva know she's adopted, too?

Actually, she wasn't.

Uh...

Hang in there, but I'll-- I'll be right back.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-- I could've sworn you were coming back Sunday.

Today is Sunday. Or did you forget that, too?

But tomorrow's a holiday. It threw me off.

Goodbye, Martin.

By the way, this was for you, and it was really nice.

Hey, where you going?

That's Eddie's present. Come back here.

So, your-- your sperm swam backwards for me,

but Triva, no problem.

I always knew you loved her more than me.

Now, I know why.

You-- you okay?

You had to throw me a party.

We couldn't just go to the fucking Knicks game.

Mee krob, anyone?

I'd like to thank my mom and my dad

for coming all the way from Utah

to help us kick off Parents Week.

Eddie, it's too bad your parents couldn't be here.

Now, I'd like to have all the crew

and their parents up on stage

for a very special Home Sweet Home family picture.

Come on, everyone.

So, thank you all for watching.

And remember, you and your family,

you are always welcome

at Home Sweet Home.

- Bye-bye, everyone. - Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye. - See you tomorrow.

On the surface, it looks bad,

but if you think about it a little while,

it gets worse, doesn't it?

Hey. Great show.

Eddie, are you all right?

I've been trying to call you for days.

Oh, why? You have another surprise for me?

Oh, let me guess. I have six months to live.

W-- what are you doing?

Oh, just getting rid of some shit that doesn't belong here.

You want any pictures of some Black periodontist

in this family?

Eddie, you have every reason to be upset.

But you're still their son.

You know, in a way, adopted children are even more special than real children.

Look, I'm not their son.

There is no Eddie Charles.

I'm Eddie question mark.

No, wait, wait, wait. I'm not even Eddie.

I'm question mark question mark.

Come on, Eddie.

You can't throw away your entire identity.

I mean, what about the Eddie Charles fan club?

Or the Eddie Charles sandwich over at Levin's Deli.

I mean, nobody's going to order

the question mark question mark sandwich, right?

And what about the Eddie Charles Foundation?

Will you stop saying that name?

I don't ever want to hear that name again.

Telephone call for Eddie Charles.

Shut up!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, come on, Ed-- big guy.

Take it easy.

Oh, man.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I mean, why would anybody want to give up someone like me?

Huh? Why?

Who knows?

Maybe she was a prostitute or a drug addict.

Or a movie star. Or royalty.

That's all I can think about, you know.

Who are my real parents? What do-- what do they do?

Wh-- what do they look like?

She ain't a blonde.

Well, you could try to locate them, you know.

- People do that all the time. - Yeah, I know.

We did a show on it during sweeps.

We kicked Sally Jessy's ass.

Well, then maybe you should look for them.

I want to, but...

I can't.

W-- why not?

Because I'm...

I-- I just can't.

My apologies, Martin. We got a little hung up today.

Uh, actually, before we start, I saw Eddie.

And he's not doing so great.

Hear that, Byron? I don't like that.

This is probably none of my business, but Eddie's having...

Help!

...an identity crisis, and-- and--

Look, he wants to find his birth parents, and I...

- I thought maybe you could help. - I'm sorry.

We don't have time for chit-chat.

You've got gum pockets to probe. Here, put this on.

There you go. Where are you going?

To get the number of the adoption agency.

For goodness' sake, Marla, get back here.

I can handle this.

You've been handling it. And look where it's got us.

We can't stick our heads in the sand anymore.

If Eddie wants to do this, we should support him.

He's the one who owes us an apology.

Have you forgot he's got a daughter

he never told us about?

Please, cut the nonsense and get me the Novocaine.

- No. - No?

Not unless you agree to give Eddie the number.

Fine. No Novocaine.

They're not my gums.

Why don't you two just work this out

and maybe I can just reschedule.

Byron, you're not drilling anyone until we settle this.

Marla, for goodness' sake.

I've got patients out there with bleeding gums

waiting to get in here.

Let them bleed.

- What? - They'll wait all day.

Actually, I have to catch a train at 3:00.

Oh, Byron, this is the best thing for Eddie.

It's the best thing for all of us.

It is not the best thing for me.

What if he likes them better? What if he never wants to see us again?

Dr. Charles, he-- he doesn't want to see you now.

Martin's right. We've already lost him.

We have to find a way to get him back.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

You know? Here.

You know, if you need me for anything at all, just call.

Right now I'm going to run out and get some painkillers.

The flowers were beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you for giving me another chance.

It's hard to stay angry at a guy who can write a poem like that.

You have no idea how long it took me

to find a rhyme for "I'm an asshole."

Anyway, from now on, you're my absolute priority.

And-- and for starters,

I cleared the entire afternoon, okay?

So, I'm all yours.

Go away.

Stop banging on that door.

I just-- I'll be right back.

I found them. My parents.

They live right here in the city.

I'm going to go see them right now.

Great. Great. Good for you.

Get your coat. I have a cab waiting downstairs.

- You want me to go with you? - I can't go by myself.

I'm too weak. Come on, man. You know me.

I'll ring the buzzer and run away.

Listen, you said if I needed anything, you'd be right there.

No, no, no, no. I said you should call.

This will only take a minute.

Eddie, I'd love to help you out, okay?

But-- but Dina's inside. We just had lunch.

Who is more important? Me or Dina?

Who was the best man at your wedding?

Me or Dina?

Who talked Kelly Brooks

into Frenching you at your bar mitzvah?

Me or Dina? Come on, man. I-- I need you.

If I don't do this now, I'm never going to do it.

Come on, please.

Everything all right?

The funniest thing just happened.

I think you're going to get a kick out of this.

Wait! Wait, Dina. You can come with us.

And on the way back,

we'll get some nice frozen yogurt.

What's her problem?

Nothing. Let's just go.

But I'm not going in with you when you meet them.

Deal.

God, I'm shaking.

Do you realize my whole life, my whole identity is about to change forever?

You're a dentist.

Endodontist. We do bridge work, canal work.

We're the gondoliers of the mouth.

Well, it's just that

my other father is a periodontist.

I just can't believe I gave birth to a celebrity.

I love your show.

You know you got your stage presence from me.

I was at theater major in college.

Your father isn't Byron Charles by chance?

Yeah. You know him?

I met him at a convention down at Hilton Head.

We played doubles with the Charleses, remember, honey?

Good gum man. Not much of a net game, though.

Here, son, take a chair.

I mentioned their son was Eddie Charles, the TV star.

Of course, I had no idea that their son was our son.

I mean, not really, but you know what I mean.

Uh, th--

there's a lot of questions that I wanted to ask.

- Oh, sure. Sure. Go ahead. - Sure.

All right.

Why? Why?

Why would you put me up for adoption?

I-- I mean,

I guess what I want to know is why?

We were just kids. We were both in college.

So what?

I mean, were tryouts for Oklahoma that week

and you just couldn't find a babysitter?

There's no need to take that tone, son.

Look, I'm sorry. It's just that--

I-- I'm sorry. Please, go on.

It wasn't an easy decision. We had no money.

We were both working two jobs just to pay for school.

We figured you'd be better off

with people who were ready to be parents.

And we believe we made the right decision.

It looks like your parents have done a fine job.

And from the way they bragged about you,

I'm surprised you're not wearing wings.

Oh, he did once on Endangered Species Week.

Remember, you dress like a condor.

I watch all your shows.

Byron Charles. What are the odds?

Hey. Hey.

Come on. Come on. Come on. How'd it go?

It was weird, man.

I mean, they're like clones of my parents.

- Only they watch my show more. - Are you okay?

I mean, you want to get a beer or something?

Uh, no. I'm gonna go see my folks.

Maybe I'll bring Linda with me.

They should get to know their granddaughter.

Yes, it's a fine ending, isn't it?

It's great. Great. I'm glad it worked out.

For you.

Collette. How you doing?

Fine, Eddie.

It's been a long time.

We should get together for a drink or something.

Sorry, but I'm not in the habit of having drinks

with guys who sleep with me once and then never call me again.

You see, Eddie? Magnetism.

Personal magnetism.

Well, we'll let you get to your appointment.

Oh, I don't have an appointment. I'm just here to see my parents.

- Collette! - Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.

So-- so then she should...

Just one big happy family.