Original subtitles

Eddy tells me you work for a cosmetics company.

Yes, and I just adore it.

In my opinion,

the greatest invention in history was makeup.

Change civilization.

Do you think that Cleopatra ever would have been

Queen of the Nile if it wasn't for eyeliner?

I guess I've never really given it that much thought.

Not a chance. She was a very plain girl.

What she had was a sense of what worked for her face.

It's rare to meet someone so...

Cheap, gaudy and shallow.

...passionate about their work.

I just adore it.

You know, the one thing I don't like is the way

they do all that experimenting on those poor little animals.

Especially when they have all those bums out there on the street.

Why don't they just experiment on them?

I don't know.

Maybe because they're people.

Well, that's just my point.

If it burns their eyes, they can tell you.

Oh, and let's just face it.

Most of them could benefit from a little make over.

Maybe you should write your congressman.

Oh, uh.

- Can I have a Bordeaux glass? - Hm?

Red wine. White wine glass.

Can't breathe.

Neither can I.

I don't get it.

Why can't I meet one normal, down-to-earth woman?

Somebody who's interested in something other than nail polish or wine glasses.

Ketchup. I want to Ketchup.

Ketchup? On a tuna melt?

Well, I can try something new, can I?

Jude,

something bothering you because you seem a little...

...stressed.

I am not stressed, just because I gave up

/a private practice in psychology to be there

for my fatherless son,

who's already so damn self-sufficient,

and he only needs me to change his diapers

and type up his Grant proposals.

I am just so bored.

You see, that is exactly what I'm talking about.

It's attitudes like that that are ruining this country.

Excuse me?

Look around you. Look around you. What do you see?

I mean, there's a woman picking through the trash.

I'm sure she'd be happy to eat your sandwich without the ketchup.

And there's a man with no legs.

He'd give his right arm to have your problems.

You're bored?

Start complaining and do something.

Help someone. He knows this. Let's make a difference.

The Richard Stone Foundation underwrites

any number of charities, as you well know.

Let me tell you something. Anybody can write a check for $100,000.

It's something else to get involved.

And that's what I would do if I had your--

your free time, you know?

I'd-- I'd touch some lives.

You're right.

And have I ever told you how much I hated you

when you lecture me?

Now, there are two parts to the operation.

There's cooking and serving.

Most people prefer the cooking

because they're a little scared of the clientele.

Well, actually, I did flirt with the idea

of starting my own catering business,

so cooking would be fine with me.

We don't need any more cooks.

So you can do the serving.

Here you go. Now, don't look so nervous.

They're people just like you and me.

Hold it, Benny.

Now, you may have three personalities,

but you only get one pork chop in here, brother.

Lisbett? Lisbett Weeks?

- Yes. - Judith Stone. Judith Van Boon.

I was friends with your sister in high school.

I didn't know anyone was friends with my sister in high school.

Well, not close friends.

She sat behind me in homeroom. You know, Van Boon, Weeks.

Oh, right, you used to live on Willow Drive.

Your mother used to give out toothpaste on Halloween.

Yes, well, everyone else gave out candy,

so she just figured, but anyway, I am so glad to see you.

This is my first day here, and I'm a little overwhelmed.

So you cook or serve?

Girls, girls, girls.

If we wanted you to be talking,

we would have brought some hairdryers in here.

So you start serving, and you start eating.

We've got your favorite today, Liz.

Cream of mushroom.

I spent six months designing this guy's

entire spring sportswear line.

Then I find out his revolutionary approach

to manufacturing involves stealing my designs

and moving to Malaysia.

And thanks to MasterCard, I'd already spent

most of the money I'd never been paid.

Well, can't you just sue someone for something?

Well, I talked to a lawyer.

He told me I was out of luck, sent me a bill for $500.

Then I maxed out my credit cards while I was looking for work.

Six months later, I started

selling my stuff just to pay my rent.

Pretty soon, I was out of stuff, so, I was out of an apartment.

Anyway, enough about me. How are you?

Oh, well, you know, same old, same old.

I am unemployed, too.

You know, and I live here.

And it's noisy, and there's a lot of crime,

but well, we call it home.

Funny. That's what I call my car.

Look, if you need a place to stay,

and of course you do, uh,

you're more than welcome to stay here.

Thanks. I don't want to impose.

I'm sure I'll be back on my feet real soon.

Well, you think about it,

and I'll just leave the keys to the doorman for you.

- Martin. - Jude, I want to apologize about lunch yesterday.

I was way out of line.

No, no, no. You were right, you know?

So, I went out, and I volunteered at a soup kitchen

on 10th Avenue, and it was great.

And do you remember Regina Weeks?

You met her at my high school reunion.

You mean the one who was so annoying that you wanted--

This is her sister, Lizbett.

0-I met her at the soup kitchen. - Hi.

Every time you open your mouth, you put your foot in it.

You know, when I said annoying, I meant good annoying.

You know, sort of like a busy bee.

Or a dentist drill, or a really painful sunburn.

We shared a room till I was 13.

Oh.

Sit down.

Okay.

Hello?

Darling, you've got to learn how to share.

Yes, yes, but it is Professor Fleming's spectrophotometer,

and I think he should have a chance to play with it too.

I think someone needs an app.

I'll be right up.

I-- Pre-toddlers.

Would you excuse me just for a minute?

Move in, move in!

How often do you go to the soup kitchen?

Um, just about every day.

Well, that's an amazing commitment.

I really respect that.

Oh, you know, I don't even like to talk about it.

You're an angel.

So good, so kind, so human.

Like a nurse.

Right, right. It's all in the doing.

You know, I hate to seem too forward, but--

- Will you marry me? - Can I buy you some coffee?

Um...

Oh, Maybe we could try dinner, although that might take me a little longer.

You know, this isn't really a good time for me.

I'm not really in a dating mode.

Oh.

So it won't be a date. It'll just be food.

I mean, you feed people all day long.

You deserve to be fed.

Think of it as a thank you dinner on behalf of mankind.

Well, how can I turn down all mankind?

Great. How about tomorrow night?

Seven o'clock? I'll pick you up. Where do you live?

You know what? I'm gonna be out running around.

Why don't I just meet you?

Okay.

Scampi was delicious.

I can't remember the last time I had a home-cooked meal.

Well, there's no trouble at all.

Oh.

You accidentally threw away some of your serving pieces.

Thank God you found that.

It's Judith's and my China pattern.

This aluminum was all the rage then.

Can I interest you in an after-dishes drink?

Yeah. I'd love a beer.

That's a very good choice,

you know, 'cause I happen to brew it myself.

Don't bother with the glass.

Somehow beer always tastes better out of a bottle.

What a gal.

Martin, I want to thank you for tonight.

I wasn't expecting to have a good time.

That was supposed to be a compliment.

Oh. [laughs] Okay.

Well, two, uh,

two more nights, you know, together?

Oh, I'm telling you, Eddie, she's incredible.

It's only been a week, but this could turn into something big.

Good. Good for you.

What?

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

It's just that I kill myself to set you off with women,

and then you go find one of your own.

How selfish of me to forget your feelings.

And I'm talking quality women here.

Most of them have been had by professional athletes,

but no, that's not good enough for you.

Come on, Eddie. They were just a little too...

Cheap, gaudy and shallow.

...materialistic for me, you know,

but Elizabeth's down to earth, you know, and caring.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forget the crap.

So how does she look?

She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous.

She's about 5'8" and blonde,

and she looks sort of like that woman over there.

Lisbett.

Hey.

Hi.

We were just talking about you.

This is my friend, Eddie Charles.

- Hey, nice to meet you. - What are you doing with the sleeping bag?

- Are you going camping? - No, actually, I just--

It's a mess in there, I know.

No kidding.

Looks like you have everything you own in there.

You must be headed to the soup kitchen.

Yeah, and I'm running late, so...

Can you believe this woman?

Not only is she a volunteer,

but she's giving away all this stuff.

Hey, you wore that dress yesterday.

It looked great on you.

Elizabeth, I noticed you haven't been

sleeping in your car the last couple of nights.

And if you found another place, I was just wondering if I could crash from the back.

You see, Luther peed on my box.

You live in your car?

Of course, she doesn't live in her car.

You don't live in your car, do you?

Can I talk to you in private for a minute?

Lisbett.

What's going on?

You told me you lived on 68th Street.

Actually, I just parked there Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

How could this happen?

I mean, how long have you been--

Martin, I wanted to tell you. I really did, it's just...

it's kind of a conversation stopper.

The longer I waited, the harder it was to bring it up.

Move it or lose it. We start towing it, too.

Just two minutes.

Two minutes.

I'm really sorry if you hate me or...

I gave you the heebie-jeebies.

I totally understand if you never want to see me again.

Get me out of here!

Don't be ridiculous.

Of course I want to see you again.

Really?

Are you sure?

Oh, no, I'm not.

Sure, I'm-- I'm sure.

Look, I'm telling you, we're not related.

Maybe you saw me on TV.

Aha! That's right.

You're Eddie, huh?

Hey, everybody! It's Eddie Murphy!

It's Eddie Murphy! Come on! It's Eddie Murphy!

Let's get out of here.

You know, man, my women may be materialistic,

but at least they have materials like a wall, a roof, furniture.

What's wrong with you? Have you no decency?

No, but I have a zip code.

Dream On will be right back.

At first I thought it's just one night.

Then one night became two.

Two nights became a week.

Pretty soon a week became a month, and...

here I am.

That could happen to anyone.

Is there anything else you want to know?

- Are you in debt? - No.

- Are you addicted to drugs? - No.

- Drinking? Gambling? - No.

Are you being blackmailed by anybody?

No, that-- that-- pretty much covers it.

But if it makes you uncomfortable to discuss it,

then we shouldn't.

Ever. Again. I mean, you... really.

Thank you for being so supportive.

It's the first time in a long time

I've felt like a person again.

Let's not get physical.

Would you like some more frozen yogurt?

It's not bad.

No. It's getting late.

Come on. Let's go to bed.

Why don't you go ahead and--

Go get ready, and I'll-- I'll be right in.

Wait, is something wrong, Martin?

No.

No, it's just that...

I tried to wait out of this moment of difficulty.

...I wish there was something I could do to...

to help.

Oh, you have no idea

how much you've done already.

Plus, you're a book editor.

It's not like you're the Salvation Army.

I got it.

The Diary of a Homeless One.

The true story of a woman who lives in her car,

sneaks showers in hotels,

can't get a job till she has an address,

can't get an address till she has a job.

Gibby, it's-- it's the Catch-22 of the '90s.

Hm. Only one question.

Is this the worst idea you've ever pitched,

or is it the worst idea anyone's ever pitched?

Gibby, come on. Come on.

We're in a win-win situation here.

We help a woman get back on her feet,

and she gives us a certain bestseller.

Oh, yes. I can see the adverts already.

You've smelled their stench. Now read their story.

Perhaps we could make it a scratch and sniff.

Maybe.

Maybe we can discuss marketing strategies later.

Okay, but the important thing is that Elizabeth Weeks is...

On line two, she wants to know when you're coming home tonight.

You must mean in Jeremy's on line two.

Why don't you just tell him that...

Martin, I think I know the difference

between your girlfriend and your son.

Elizabeth Weeks has long eyelashes.

Jeremy has a father who dates homeless women.

Take a message.

My, my.

Marty, may I suggest the ragamuffin

who hangs out in front of the building in barks of traffic?

Wouldn't have to offer her a book deal.

I'm sure you could lure her into bed with a half-eaten chicken leg.

Gibby, this isn't about Elizabeth Weeks being my friend.

This is a story that has to be told.

Now, wait a minute.

I'll guarantee the advance against my salary.

Marty, those are my favorite words to hear.

And here, drop this into a cup for me, won't you?

Smart boy.

I don't know what to say.

God bless you.

You don't have to say anything.

And by the way, that's just an advance.

Oh, Martin, thank you.

I can't do this.

What?

Why not?

It's not like it's a handout or something.

You're gonna be earning it.

No, it's not that, it's just...

being homeless isn't my proudest accomplishment.

I want to put the whole thing behind me, not put it in print.

No, no. Look. Cashing this check will put the whole thing behind you.

You know, plus you'll be a role model.

You'll do for homelessness

what Betty Ford did for drug addicts.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to be the poster child for the homeless.

I'm sorry.

Can we just drop it?

Fine. Fine, that's okay.

No, I can't believe this.

I go way out on a limb to find the perfect solution to our problems.

- You don't even want to do it. - What do you mean, "our problem"?

I know what my problem is. What's your problem?

We can't be seen together.

Let's not get into semantics, okay? You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I think I do.

Look, I am offering you a way out.

Martin, just admit it. This whole book thing has nothing to do with me.

You're only doing this so you'll feel more comfortable.

I'll feel more comfortable? I'm already comfortable.

I've got an apartment and a job and a bed.

You're the one who's living in a Volkswagen Rabbit.

- I'm going now. - Where?

Where? You have nowhere to go.

Just cash the check and become a normal person.

Will you? I mean, come on. What more can I do?

I didn't ask you to do anything.

I thought I had someone that respected me

and made me feel good about myself again.

Obviously I was wrong.

Pig head!

You made a mistake, kid. A bad mistake.

Toby, buzz me when Judith gets here.

Okay, buzz.

She's standing right in front of me.

Toby.

Martin, could you hand me the pencil sharpener?

Thank you.

Elizabeth asked me to return this to you.

Thank you. Do you know where she is?

I've been trying to get in touch with her.

Oh, why? Because she got away before you had a chance

to brand her forehead with a Scarlett H?

Just tell me where she is, will you?

She's living in Brooklyn Heights.

I loaned her the money for first month's rent

and security deposit, and tomorrow she's meeting

with a costume designer about maybe doing some freelance work.

Great. It's great. Do you have her phone number?

Martin, she doesn't want to talk to you.

Would you stop that, please?

Sorry.

It's late and I've got to serve dinners.

- No, Jude. - Judy!

You're looking fit as a ferret.

Twirl around, I'll guess your weight.

Hello, Gibby.

Eight stone seven. Give or take a pound.

Gibby, guess my shoe size.

Marty, your office.

Got the marketing plan for your homeless book.

We put Miss Weeks in a frock,

conveniently tattered at the chest and rump.

Feminine, but feral.

Womanhood gone wild in the streets.

It's funny if you mention that, because I have great news.

Elizabeth's found a job and an apartment.

- So? - So, there's not going to be a book.

And Whitestone saves ten thousand dollars.

And everybody lives happily ever after.

Everybody except the noble ruler of the kingdom.

It seems that someone at Good Morning New York

got wind of the project, and they'd like to do

an entire show about our little gutter snipe.

I've spent $20,000 on promos.

Well, Gibby, I appreciate your support

as usual but uh...

...the deal is dead.

She's not homeless anymore.

No, but you well could be.

If you don't find me another vagrant by five o'clock.

Now, chop, chop. There, but for the grace of I, go you.

Well, what are you waiting for?

So basically, you keep a diary of your experiences.

The ins and outs of life on the street, and we give you $10,000.

What do you say?

I'll take that as a no.

Here, here. Here's twenty bucks.

Why don't you buy yourself some food?

Some kibble.

Give me your tired, your poor...

your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.

The wretched refuse of your teeming shores

send these homeless tempest-tossed to me.

Excuse me.

How you doin'?

Thank you.