Original subtitles

Jeremy?

Jeremy!

Damn it!

Hello.

Irvin Bader, Esquire, Hunter Owens Management.

I hope I'm not getting you at a bad time. Come on in!

You pardon an old fashioned hint,

but we weren't expecting company.

There we go.

What do you think? Two bedrooms? Exposed brick?

Can I get either of you something to drink?

What the hell are you doing here?

Not that it's any of your concern,

but the Swansons are thinking of buying your unit.

Dad, when did you decide to move?

No, I'm not moving. You know I'm buying this unit.

I already put down a deposit.

Yes, but you still have to come up with the $40,000 down payment.

Frankly, I'd say you have a better chance of becoming the next Miss America,

assuming you have some kind of talent.

Should I start packing?

No, no, I have plenty of time.

Actually, you have 45 days

pursuant to lease paragraph 18(j),

otherwise known as the "out on your ass" clause.

What'll I do? What'll I do?

What is the square footage?

We have over two miles of model train track.

It's five square feet, okay?

And it's mine. This is my home!

You stop that jumping up and down.

Get out. Out, out, get out. Everybody get out.

Come on, let's go. Come on now.

Out, out, out. Beat it, beat it, beat it.

- Come on. - Temper, Tupper.

Yeah. I--

By the way, those 45 days include weekends.

I have to--

Dad, if you need any money, I can always dip into the trust fund that Richard set up for me.

Jeremy, that's very cute, but I have plenty of money.

So you'll be needing $40,000?

Well, it sounds like more than it is.

Mr. Tupper,

if you need to borrow the 20% down payment,

how do you expect to come up with the mortgage?

To tell you the truth, I was hoping to borrow the rest from a different bank.

Okay.

Well, we'll review your application

and let you know as soon as possible.

You know, I didn't put this down on my asset list,

but I have a [indistinct] rookie card that is in mint condition.

Now, sell it. Sell it. Sell it. Just sell it all.

Tried all nine shares.

Asshole.

Marty, I hate to interrupt this episode

of Lifestyles of the Barely Solvent,

but I've reviewed your latest non-fiction proposals.

The good news is there'll be no shortage of door stops this year.

Okay, Gibby, what about the Rivera book?

The guy's on the 23rd day of his hunger strike, you know.

No, Marty. No, the waif look is out.

So we're going with my sister's suggestion,

the latest Vernon Pactor opus.

Vernon?

The guy who wrote Orgasms? Why?

Why would you possibly give him another book?

Because, Marty, unlike you,

Vernon had the good sense to fuck my sister.

This one, I believe, is a Western

entitled Up the Chisholm Trail.

I think that's Chisholm. Or is that a J?

Come on, Gibby. Victor Rivera's been living on nothing

but Gatorade for the past three weeks.

The least you can do is read his book

or maybe just an outline.

I haven't heard so much whining

since it was castration week on the sheep station.

I'll tell you what. If you do a good job with Verney,

then I'll look at your outline.

- Two pages, double spaced. - Thank you.

Martin, great news. That was the bank.

You're kidding. You're kidding. Come on.

What? What? What did they say?

They rejected your loan.

- Ow! - And why is that great news?

Because instead of borrowing from some cold,

impersonal bank, you can borrow from me.

What do you need? Ten grand?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I like half in blue bills and half in orange bills.

Well, actually, most of it's in Treasury notes

and zero-coupon bonds,

but I think I'm liquid enough to cover you.

Where'd you get that kind of money?

I found a copy of Forbes magazine on the bus.

I started investing.

Besides, if you count my overtime,

I make more money than you do.

Toby, thanks for offering, but...

I'd rather be dead.

...that won't be necessary.

Fine, you could always grovel to your ex-wife for the money.

We all know what a turn on that is.

Trust me, Toby.

I have plenty of ways to get the money.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

"Sheriff Hotspur pulled out his long-barreled love pistol

and emptied it into Calamity Tina's hungry holster of pleasure

round after round after round.

'Yippee-yayo-ki-yay,' she screamed.

Her legs undulated

like those swinging door things in a saloon."

Goodness, what beautiful diamonds.

Pretty great, huh?

Vernon, I don't mean to pry,

but how does a--

an artist like you afford such nice stuff?

I mean, we pay our writers...

...decently, but still.

These bobbles?

I got these with my money job.

See, I got a job for love, and I got a job for money.

My money job is writing porno flicks.

But my real love is writing serious literature.

- Like Up the Chisholm Trail. - That should be a J.

Anyway, "As Calamity Tina begged for mercy,

the Sioux brave took out his tomahawk..."

So you bought all this stuff just from, uh,

just from writing those movies?

Oh, yeah. I make five grand a pop.

Seems like so much money.

Anyway, I'm sorry. Go on.

- Is that 5000 cash? - Totally under the table.

If you're interested, why don't you bang out a script?

- I'll show it to my producer. - Me?

No, no, I couldn't do that.

Sure you can.

All you got to do is write 20 pages.

The rest is humping and sucking.

Come on.

As we say in the biz, give it a crack.

Get it? Crack?

Yeah, yeah I got it,

but, no, no, I, uh-- I don't think so.

Suit yourself.

Hey, can we finish after lunch? I got to get back to my co-op.

The mirror guy's coming to fix my ceiling.

You ordered the pizza with sausage?

Yes.

But I said hold the pizza.

Oh.

Ma'am.

I'm Officer Goodbody.

I'll say.

What's it like renting at 40?

Boy, you don't even get a tax break.

You could always borrow money from me, maggot.

Wake up and look facts in the face.

Go with the gaiter from page 316.

Uh, no, the other guy's tomatoes were mealy.

I heard this from a lot of people.

All right, fine, fine, okay, I'll talk to you

when you get back from the doctor, right.

Mr. Nydorff, I know you're very, very busy,

so why don't I just drop this off?

Please, call me Manny.

Pull up a chair. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Would you like some broth?

Uh, no, no. Thanks.

I-- I-- I just ate.

- May I? - Please, please.

All right.

I've never written one of these before.

I-- I have written mostly plays and novels. I mean, nothing published.

Although The New Yorker did send me a personal letter

and you don't get one of those every day.

- Shh. - I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's the waiting that's getting me.

Martin, I-- I gotta tell you.

This is-- this is not what I would call a porn movie.

Fine, fine, fine, fine. I totally understand.

This, my young friend, is porn cinema.

This is art.

This is, what can I say, wonderful.

Love it. Wonderful.

Really? You're gonna buy it?

Wow. I-- thank you.

No, thank you.

I haven't seen talent like this since a young man

in an army uniform walked in here

with an ass full of shrapnel and a head full of ideas.

Do you know who that man was?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was a rhetorical question.

I give up.

Dennis Crane.

Just who is this Dennis Crane?

- Never heard of him. - I'm flattered.

I mean, he's-- he's-- he's one of the best.

I'm putting this into production next week.

It'll be in the video stores a week later,

but we have to change the title.

Oh, you don't like the Erotic Adventures of Oedipus?

Yeah, it's a little too artsy.

How about Motherfucker?

Uh, that might tip the ending, you know, just...

Right, right, right, right.

Uh, okay, okay. We'll go with, uh...

Eat-a-Puss Rex.

Nice, okay, so you go,

quit your day job and spin me some more gold.

Uh, look, Mr. Nydorff--

- Manny. - Manny.

I'm not really looking to make another career out of this.

You know, I just need $40,000 for a down payment on my co-op.

Fact, Michelangelo painted the Mona Lisa

to support his opium habit.

I can respect that.

Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa.

You're missing my point, Martin.

You keep writing like this,

you'll have that co-op faster than you can say...

Dennis Crane?

I was gonna say Marv Ketcham, but you're the writer.

So, Martin Tupper, go and write.

Oh, by the way, get yourself a nice pen name.

Manny, you said I never had to see anybody.

It was a part of my deal.

Duke, I wanted you all to witness

how our genre is being transformed by this man.

Catch Her in The Rear is our Citizen Kane.

Thank you. I-- I hope you all liked it.

Like it? I didn't get it.

I mean, there was snow melting in every scene.

Martin, enlighten them.

Well, the melting snow represents the erosion of innocence,

your spiritual, sexual and societal,

which is why a boarding school just before

the Kennedy assassination seemed the perfect milieu.

Okay, I got a pitch.

Imagine, if you will, a door.

A woman,

a Bambi Woods, a chesty love, opens said door.

Lo, it's a delivery guy.

Only he's delivering Chinese food.

I call it Sichuan Pork.

Pretty great, huh?

Martin, what do I think?

I'd call it idiotic.

It's a little derivative of Pizza Sluts,

but what if you went a different way?

What if it were...

a resort?

And we have a young man working hard,

you know, saving money for school.

Front. Front.

And he meets a-- a lonely, sophisticated widow.

Are you sure your husband's dead?

And she teaches him to be a man.

Have a cigar, babe.

And he teaches her to live and love again.

I don't get it. Do you get it, Brenda?

Of course she gets it.

She loves it.

She'll be telling her grandchildren about this day.

Martin, wonderful. Love it.

Now I get it.

You're a genius. I'm such a fucking asshole.

Here, here, here. You, you.

Well, you're a big star.

Hello, Martin Tupper.

Irwin Bader, Esquire, Hunter Owens Management.

I'm in your apartment with the Tanaka's,

and they want to try out your shower.

Where do you keep your shampoo?

You better get the hell out of there.

And by the way, you'll have my down payment

by the end of the month.

Hello, Marty,

just read your outline about that hungry fella.

You did a fine job of capturing the essence of the subject.

- I did? - Oh, yes.

The stultifying dullness leapt off the page

and enveloped my head like an elk fart.

Now, before you pitch me the big book of open sores,

let me remind you, we are trying to publish books here

that people might actually buy.

I hate you. I hate you.

They wobble, but they don't fall down.

What? Toby, what is it?

Some guy Manny called.

You needed on the set right away.

I am? Really?

Toby, I'll be gone for the rest of the afternoon.

Martin, I know what this is about.

I offered to lend you the money, but no.

You had to debase yourself.

She knows just as if she was inside me.

I have no idea what you mean.

Please.

I know when somebody's talking in code.

Manny almost rhymes with Amway.

The set refers to something to do with Amway.

If you locate your dignity,

the Bank of Toby's always open.

It's true, yes, you are supposed to poke your eyes.

Go ahead.

Okay.

How you doing?

It's bigger than I thought.

Martin, thank God you're here.

Eat-a-Puss is having issues with the eye scene.

Come, let's reason together.

- Manny, this is Samuel Clemens. - Call me Sam.

So, uh, is there a problem?

Fuck yeah, there's a problem.

And on page 16 here it says I gotta poke my eyes out.

And my fans, they don't want that.

I mean, they see the women through my eyes.

Look, you--

you've just perpetrated the greatest transgression

in Western thought.

You know, you slept with your mother,

you-- you've killed your father.

Can you imagine the anguish that you'd feel?

Yeah, my father, he's an asshole.

I mean, he's all, "Randy, turn that shit down.

Randy, you're smoking too much weed.

Randy this, Randy that, Randy this--"

Randy, Randy, Randy. Randy.

You're an actor, right?

So, just pretend that you're...

bummed.

Okay.

So bummed that all you can do is gouge out your own eyes.

If I'm bummed...

why don't I do something real people do,

like, uh, get shit-faced?

Or...

poke her eyes out, yeah.

Why, you low-born uncouth barbarian.

He's usually not this difficult.

I can't work with him.

He's destroying the integrity of the entire project.

He's fired. Gone.

There's plenty of big schlongs in this town.

We'll find one that can do justice to your words.

Now, here's a little something for your trouble.

Call it a-- a consulting fee.

Thanks, but you don't have to do that.

I do if I want to sleep at night.

Now, go be a genius.

A few more of these pictures,

you'll be able to buy your entire building.

Oh, Martin, everything's gonna be just fine now.

So after I retile the bathroom,

I'm thinking about replacing these floors with Birchwood.

You know, I'd go with pile carpeting.

To me, pile says,

"Hello, winner. Come on in.

Take your shoes off. Have sex on me."

A park bench says that to you.

So where are you getting all this money, hmm?

Well, I've been budgeting, you know,

clipping coupons and buying in bulk.

There's the food.

No, no, no, no, no. That's okay. This one's on me.

Mr. Clemens, I've got to talk to you.

- What are you doing here? - I got your address from the staff list.

I read Catch Her in The Rear and--

Well, I must play the part of Phoebe.

I am Phoebe.

Look, this really isn't a good time, you know.

"Now you listen to me Hard-on Caulfield.

I know you think everyone's a phony,

but these aren't phony."

Thanks.

But don't clap for me. He wrote it.

Look, I have no idea who you are,

and you're obviously in the wrong apartment.

It's me, Tawny.

We met on the set of Eat-a-Puss Rex.

I played Diana, the one who went down on the Theban woman.

Did--

New York.

You know, I bet the guy she's looking for got our food. I better call.

So how long have you been writing porno movies?

Ah, nuts.

It's not porno.

If you must know, I'm writing independent films

for primarily mature audiences.

Who go to movies in trench coats with their trousers unzipped?

Well, good for you. Pino grigio?

Martin, I am so disappointed in you.

- What? - You've been writing skin flicks,

and you've never invited me to the set?

I'm supposed to be your best friend.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I'm writing thoughtful, provocative stories,

and yes, sometimes people have sex in them.

But it's always handled very, very tastefully.

So, are you, uh,

actually on the set when they're fucking?

Own up to it, Martin.

You are writing smut. It's smut.

That is a very dangerous term to be throwing around.

When James Joyce wrote Ulysses, they called it smut.

Now, look at it now. Now it's a classic.

There's even a newsletter about it.

And someday they'll be studying Eat-a-Puss Rex

in colleges everywhere.

Look.

- Saved by the bell. - I have to go.

That's my producer. There's an emergency on the set.

What seems to be the problem?

Did somebody put something in the wrong orifice?

Uh, um...

I better come along with you.

No, no, absolutely not.

This isn't some freak show. This is serious filmmaking.

Judith, would you pay the man, please?

We have a serious problem.

What? What is it?

My star writer is getting too big.

Surprise!

Your brilliant script for Eat-a-Puss Rex

has been nominated for the Chubby Award.

My first nomination in 25 years in this business.

God bless you.

Marty. The Chubby. I know you'll win.

Don't wait too long to rent your tux.

The velvet ones go like that.

Congratulations. Um, you want a blow job?

Uh, no. Thanks. I'm trying to cut down.

Speech! Speech!

Speech! Speech!

Gee, uh...

Five minutes ago I didn't even know what a Chubby was.

Now all I can say is,

I don't care if I win, you know,

it's an honor just to be nominated.

Martin, bravo, yeah.

Such a human being.

I love this one.

Eat-a-Puss, what an interesting name.

Is it Athenian?

Actually, it's a nickname given to me

by the goddess of love.

Really?

Why do they call you that?

I will show you.

Eat-a-Puss.

- Jeremy. - Dad.

Where did you get this?

Uh, Bobby lent it to me.

We have a test on Oedipus Rex tomorrow

and they were all out of CliffNotes.

Uh, and my elbows were chapped.

Again.

What have I done?

You're quitting? Why would you want to do that?

Because all I'm doing is writing wack-off material.

Of course you're writing wack-off material.

Would you think people use these films for, dancing?

Well, I thought I was...

An artist, gentlemen.

...I don't know what I thought.

Martin, you should be proud.

Masturbation is the highest form of flattery.

It's like burping in a Moroccan restaurant.

Look, I have nothing against masturbation.

I mean, God knows I've done my share.

You know, it's just--

I don't want this to be my legacy.

I am such a schmuck.

How much do you want?

No, no, no, Mr. Nydorff, No, no, no, look.

- Manny. - Manny, Manny. I-- No.

- Just say when. - No, no.

Protect me in this, my hour of temptation.

No, no, no. It's not the money.

You've been more than generous.

You haven't seen generosity yet.

Look, it's like the Twin Towers.

No, no, no, no, no.

I believe you're still 5,000 short on your down payment.

I know, I know, but I've--

got plenty of ways to make the money.

Sign here.

And sign here.

And here.

And initial here, here, and here.

There you go.

$5,000 at 9.5% interest on a daily basis.

Wait a minute.

The interest compounds daily?

No, you pay me daily.

$1.84 in cash on my desk

every day for the next eight years.

Ow!

Thank you, Toby.

Great news, Marty.

I found just the project to get you back on the horse.

Really? What is it?

I saw a private screening of a film

by a brilliant new writer named Samuel Clemens.

Bring him in for a meeting.

I'll get right on it.

Today, I consider myself

the luckiest man on the face of the earth.