Original subtitles

Oh, Joel. Joel, you can't leave me.

This is my big summer book.

But we're so good together.

Is it me? Is it me? Because I can change.

Hello? Hello?

Fuck.

Peekaboo. May I see you?

I shall have trouble with that one.

Lu. Lu. Hi. I was just about to call you.

Hey, Marty, watch. Marty, watch.

Oh, poke me up the bum with a yardstick.

- I had it before. - That's pretty good.

It's much better than I could do.

Oh, hey. So how's our self-help book coming?

I bet it will make a pot full of money, because you have no idea how many

sick people there are out there. Hey, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Well, about the book, I have some great news,

but you better sit down.

You ready? I killed the book. I killed it because it was crap.

And I do not want your first book to be crap.

- You deserve better. - Oh, thanks, Marty.

So what are we doing in its stead?

Well, we have tons of choices.

My personal favorite is...

How to help yourself write your own self-help book.

Oh, you're lying to me, aren't you, Marty?

There is no book.

- Right away, she knows you did something wrong. - Not per se.

Well, there's gotta be a book, because people are expecting it.

Somewhere by some day for some reason.

I don't really understand why,

but I know that I'm in charge, and it's very important.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'll come up with something and we'll meet our deadline.

I hope so, Marty.

Because if I fail, you know what I'm going to have to do, don't you?

I'm going to have to fire you.

Just think how that's going to make me feel.

The operation will take several hours,

so I suggest you waste no time.

Toby. Toby. Call every agent in town.

Find out who's got a self-help book that's ready to go.

Like a book would ever solve anybody's problems,

in this empty, meaningless world.

It would solve mine. Now put together that list.

I want it on my desk in an hour.

An hour, a day, what's the difference?

Is something bothering you?

If you must know, I have ennui.

It's French for "Life Sucks."

Oh, okay. Well, what's French for "Let's get to work?"

You don't understand.

I feel like my life is like that broken record

my grandma used to play.

♪ Oh, I went down South For to see my Sal ♪

♪ For to see my Sal ♪

♪ For to see my Sal For to see my Sal ♪

Toby. Toby.

The best cure for ennui

is to just throw yourself into your work.

You know, so why don't you start by, gosh,

I don't know, helping me find a book.

Oh, now, that would give my life meaning. I could die tomorrow.

They could put on my tombstone, "Here lies Toby Pedalbee.

Once, she helped Martin Tupper find a book."

That's the spirit. Yes. There you go.

Come on down and see the largest selection of...

With hazy morning clouds burning off into afternoon--

The Serengeti, One of the harshest--

I thought you were going to help me.

I am helping. I'm doing research.

At the very beginning of...

Oh, folks, this is one of my favorite items.

Look at this beautiful alarm clock jewelry.

Man, this is pathetic. Who buys this crap?

Give me two of the wake-up

and accessorized jewelry box alarm clocks.

And while you're at it, throw in a couple

of those Last Supper commemorative plates.

Do they come with matching gravy boats?

I swear, I never told him to come home

with the most wonderful news.

Would you turn that down, would you, please?

I am trying to work.

Hey. Hey.

I got an idea for a self-help book.

The Tight-Ass Guide to Entertaining,

by Martin Tuffer.

It's already been upset.

Welcome to Beverly Robinson's Butterfly Power Program.

And now, Miss Beverly Robinson.

- Are you dissatisfied with your life? - Yeah.

Stuck in a go nowhere, do nothing job.

- Yeah. - Is there a talented, successful butterfly

inside of you wanting to break out of its cocoon?

Yeah.

Are you ready to do something about it?

Yeah.

Then pick up the phone and dial 1-800-555-0110,

to order my best selling, highly touted butterfly power tape.

I used to paint fingernails.

Now I paint portraits. I love you, Beverly Robinson.

I love you, too, Mrs. Kim. And all of you.

Just like Charlotte Kim can find the butterfly within.

Man, you should do your book with her.

I would walk through hot coals if she was on the other side.

- And naked. - Yeah. You know, she--

- She seems to have... - Fake tits.

Charisma. I was going to say charisma.

...your dreams.

And they look real to me.

Remember, you've got nothing to lose but your cocoon.

So spread your wings and show the world

the beautiful butterfly that you are.

Dial 1-800-555...

I really, really appreciate you meeting

with me like this. I love your show and your tapes.

And I think you should do a book, because books

are so much easier to read.

Funny, Random House said the same thing,

only not in those words.

Coffee time. I ground the beans myself.

I would have milked the cow, but I was too busy reorganizing the files.

Muffin? I baked them this morning.

- No, thanks - Thank you. Toby, could you...

Beverly, you're my personal guru.

I listened to your first tape ten times last night.

Great.

I think it may be time to move on to tape two.

- Toby, could you... - What?

Straighten your desk, straighten your tie, straighten your teeth?

No. Why don't you straighten your desk?

While you're at it, could you hold all my calls?

Aye, aye, Captain. So long, Guru.

You know, if you can motivate my secretary, you must be a genius.

- Would you... - No, thanks.

I'm no genius, Martin.

I just help people go into their emotional closets,

and take their dreams out of mothballs.

Cheese blintz is ready when you are.

Why don't we save them for lunch?

Anyway, you... uh, you were saying?

Everybody's got a dream.

Mine is to touch people in a meaningful way.

What's your dream?

All my life, I've tried to be a writer,

and all I got for my pains was a trunk full of rejection slips.

I'm living my dream.

I'm a senior editor at Whitestone Publishing.

It's the only place for me. And I think it's the only place for you, too.

Okay, convince me.

Well, we're a small boutique house,

and then we offer a personal, hands-on approach.

Or hands-off, if that's what you prefer.

I mean, basically, whatever you're looking for

in a publishing house, that's what we are.

Martin, I'm not looking to get my ass kissed.

My agent takes care of that.

What I need is an editor who's going to be

bold and aggressive and who will do

whatever it takes to get my message to the people.

So unless you can do better than that...

Cheer me up, Marty. I'm on the verge of a binge.

Beverly Robinson, this is Lu Fiske, our vice president.

I've got it.

Beverly has just agreed to do a book with us.

In fact, a series of books,

based upon her incredibly inspirational lectures and tapes.

Oh, yeah, I know you. You're that butterfly lady.

Exactly. Exactly.

Every publisher wanted her, but she decided to go with us.

In fact, she said, if it's not Whitestone Publishing and Martin Tupper,

there's no point in doing a book at all.

That's right.

I think it's great to be part of the Whitestone team.

It works. It works. It works. It works.

And what a team it is. Oh, here, Lu.

I've taken the liberty of buying you a set of Beverly's tapes.

They've already helped me, and I'm sure they'll help you. Not that you need any help.

Oh, thanks, Marty. I'll give them a listen.

You know, I have no idea who is inside of me?

Wouldn't it be splendid if it was the queen of the Roller Derby?

And now Lu Jammer for the Brisbane Bombers,

number seven, Lu Fiske.

The boss's sister. But don't worry. I'm in charge here.

I like your style, Martin. It reminds me of me.

You see something that you want and you go after it.

The first stage in the life history of a butterfly.

The second stage, the caterpillar, or larva.

The curling tongue, with its tasters at the tip,

Getting ready for another change.

What is going on inside of the chrysalis?

Completing its life history.

Oh!

Ta-da!

- Toby. - Hi.

- What are you doing? - Metamorphosis, Martin.

I listen to tapes three and four and I emerge from my cocoon.

My inner butterfly is breaking free.

And she's a tap dancer.

That would explain the noise you're making with your shoes.

Why don't you tap over the computer and type up these notes? I need them right away.

Martin.

Why don't you meet me in a supply closet

and I'll measure your inseam?

Quit yakkin', Ma. We got work to do.

Exactly. Excuse me.

We got a theater to find, costumes to make,

press releases to press and release,

'cause I'm puttin' on a show!

Ta-da!

Behind this curtain is the strangest creature

your eyes will ever behold.

A show? Really?

Well, there's nothing wrong with a little hobby,

as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.

So send your mother home, lose the shoes, and let's get to work.

Oh. He's bossy, isn't he?

I like that.

How did you beat me here? You weren't even dressed when I left.

That's because I walked with a sense of purpose.

I finished the acknowledgments and the last chapter,

but I didn't have time to write the introduction.

You're partially responsible for that.

You know, you might want to talk to Toby.

I think she misunderstood what you said about tapping into her potential.

- What do you mean? - She's tap dancing.

She's even talking about doing a show.

But that's exactly what she should be doing.

That's her butterfly.

I think you should support her in that, don't you?

A thousand times. No.

Of course.

Chapter six. Every butterfly needs some wind beneath her wings.

And I'll be right there in the front row blowing away.

Lu called. You got a meeting at eight.

Don't you dare be late.

I canceled your sandwich and ordered

you a salad because you're putting on weight. Yeah, you're putting on weight.

By the way, I'm taking a couple days off.

Could you excuse me for just a minute?

Sure.

Toby.

Now, look, you cannot just take a few days off.

You're right. I need a week.

Here, Munchkin. I sewed in some dress shields.

Now you can sweat like a pig and nobody will ever know.

But ma! The stars. You said you were going to--

Give me it.

Listen, this book goes to press in ten days.

Ten. Tap your foot ten times if you understand what I'm saying.

Martin. I am a butterfly and you are a net.

All you want to do is capture me and squish me between two pages of a book.

No. No. I want to publish a book.

Until this book is published, I forbid you to take any time off.

- Are we clear? - Perfectly.

Morning.

Zeta, where's Toby?

She called in sick.

But one of you must be lying. Probably both.

Is that so? What does she have, dance fever?

I think she said spinal meningitis, but she'll be fine.

Oh, by the way, thanks to these Beverly tapes,

I'm returning to my first love.

Hello, Martin.

Can't I get you some coffee?

I can't stand day after day. I'm going mad.

5678.

No, wait a minute.

You call that kicking.

You gotta put some oomph into it. Like, uh...

You're in an alley with some guy and he owes you 30 G's,

and he's two days late paying up.

Phone call for Louie Pedalbee.

Yeah. I'll be right back. Angie, you cover for me.

Mm-hmm. Okay, sweet buns, let's take it from the top.

Hey, Tobe, don't forget, Elvis got his mother a Cadillac.

Toby. What do you-- hey, hey, hey. Toby.

What the hell's going on? I thought you were sick.

I am. Sick of you buttin' into my business.

I get five personal days. I'm taking them.

Not when I'm on deadline. Now get back to the office.

I need you to proofread the galleys, and then type up the jacket notes.

Did you look on your desk? I finished it last night.

You still have to draw up the production schedule

and copy and distribute all those contracts.

Did it, did it, did it.

Zeta is finalizing the details on the book signing.

So, are we finished with our little chat?

Great news.

I have just persuaded Vic Damone's manager

to come to the show!

Oh, one thing, Angie. He might be expecting a chinchilla coat.

No problem.

I'll borrow one from Lord and Taylor.

This could be my shot.

What shot? What, at what?

The big time. Vic Damone.

I read in Variety, he's looking to spruce up his act.

Hey, I'm full of spruce.

You're full of prunes.

Oh, Toby, Toby, Toby. You can't really believe

you're going to make it as a tap dancer.

I don't.

That's why I'm singing and telling jokes.

I'm a triple threat, like Debbie Reynolds or Bobby Bonds.

Wait, now, Toby, think this thing through.

I mean, come on. You don't have the slightest bit of

brains, ability, good looks...

training or experience?

I mean, it's a little ridiculous, isn't it?

Is everything all right?

Martin thinks my dream is ridiculous.

I was just trying to explain to Toby that maybe

she shouldn't have such high expectations.

High expectations equal high rewards.

Martin, you should know that. It's the cornerstone of chapter 4.

Well, yes.

Yes, yes, that may be, but I just

don't want to see Toby being misled.

That's what you think I'm doing? Misleading people?

I'm sick and fast.

No.

No, no, of course not.

I'm your number one fan, and you and your book

are my number one priority, so...

We'll be right back.

Toby.

Toby. Look, I think it's great that you're motivated,

but maybe you should concentrate

on something more suited to your strengths.

Oh, my strengths? What, like typing and faxing?

Exactly.

Oh, maybe I should just throw my

tap shoes in the drawer and forget about them.

Well...

Kind of like you did with your half written novel.

- Hey, this isn't about me. - Oh, or is it?

Look, Martin, you know, you might be satisfied living

your entire life in a cocoon, but don't drag me in there.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a show to put on.

It might be a long shot,

but that's one more than you have.

Cocoon boy.

Well, what have you got to say now?

Beverly? Hi. You're early, as usual, but I beat you here.

Danish? Coffee? Coffee, danish. Danish coffee.

Actually, I have an appointment

in nine minutes, so let's just get to business.

- I had a few thoughts. - Shoot.

Shoot. Oh, I have a big surprise for you.

I think you're going to love it, but that's okay. You start.

Okay, first, the cover. It should be green, not red.

Red says stop to me.

Green says go.

I totally agree. Green it is.

Second, point of purchase displays.

I don't want any life size cutouts of me.

It's tacky and a total cliche.

You read my mind.

Third, once this book is finished,

so is my association with this company.

I think you lost me on that last point there.

Look, Martin, you obviously thought that I was

in this for the money, when, in truth,

that's your agenda, not mine.

So I'll be publishing the rest of my series with Simon and Schuster.

No, no, want. Wait, Beverly.

I mean, even if I did think that,

and I'm not saying I did, I don't anymore.

Martin, you know me. Once I make up my mind, I never waver.

Right. Right.

Well, that's in your book, right? About chapter nine.

Chapter one.

You're not going to quit now.

Isn't there something in chapter three about staying open minded?

We could talk about it Saturday night.

So, should I pick you up or just

go fuck myself, is what I'm guessing.

I love you, Beverly Robinson!

Excuse me. Can I, uh...

♪ I never broke the piñata ♪

♪ I never sat on Santa's lap ♪

♪ Now that I'm here, I just gotta ♪

♪ Tap, Toby Tap, Toby ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap ♪

♪ So I gotta be ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap ♪

♪ So I gotta be ♪

♪ Tap, tap, dancin' ♪

♪ On the S-T ♪

♪ A-G ♪

♪ E ♪

Lights!

♪ Tap, tap, tap ♪

♪ Not your ordinary ♪

♪ Tap, tap, tap ♪

♪ Desk secretary 42 words per minute ♪

♪ On the typewriter key ♪

♪ Don't you wish you were her? ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ah ♪

♪ Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ooh ♪

♪ Eee ♪

♪ Fall in, please ♪

♪ I should be a movie star ♪

♪ Broadway's on the phone for you ♪

♪ For Toby ♪

♪ Pedalbee ♪

♪ Instead I'll be ♪

♪ Tappin' for your clappin' ♪

♪ Driving at your clappin' ♪

♪ Tap tap tapping ♪

Let's take it down a notch.

When I was a little girl, and the other kids

used to make fun of me, my mother used to

give me these words of wisdom.

She says, Toby, next time you hit him,

use the brass knuckles. This one's for you, ma.

♪ My mama thinks I'm special ♪

♪ That's what mamas are for ♪

♪ But golly all of Hollywood Is ringing the door ♪

♪ So come on, Vic Damone's manager ♪

♪ Say I'm the one you ordered ♪

♪ Start spreadin' it around ♪

♪ 'Cause Toby Pedalbee is gonna be Broadway bound ♪

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Oh, yes. Later, Munchkin.

The only thing I changed for the next time

is that the whole stage should be on fire.

Yeah.

Toby, I just wanted to tell you you're terrific.

- Really. - I know.

I'm sorry, Toby.

- Damone's guy didn't show. - What?

You know what? I should have his brakes adjusted.

Ah. Nah, it's okay. Unless it makes you feel better.

Hey, Louie. Let's go to Sardi's. We get a table near the door,

So we beat the jack, ah? We'll see you there, Munchkin.

Ooh.

Hey, Toby.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with the manager, you know what I mean.

Are you okay?

- It's no big deal. - What do you mean?

I thought that was the whole point, you know, to be a star.

I thought so, too.

But let me tell you something.

Right in the middle of my kick ball change,

I had an epiphany. Martin.

Martin, it's not about Vegas or Broadway

or even having my face up in lights.

It's about doing it.

For once in my life, I was a butterfly.

How many people can say that?

Certainly not me.

- Not many. - By the way, you owe me $10.

Huh?

I saw you sneak in the back.

Something's just happened that'll make the greatest chapter

I've ever written in my life.