Original subtitles

Hi, Thelma. How are you?

They lopped off a couple more warts.

Look, I'm sorry I'm late, okay? But it's not my fault.

Fifth Avenue was blocked off

for some save the planet bullshit.

But Jeremy can still make his plane.

- So where is he? - Judith's boyfriend took him.

- Huh? -"Save the planet bullshit?"

Glad to see you haven't lost your ideals, Martin.

- It's her sister! - Winnie.

Hey!

Judith didn't tell me you were in town.

- How long are you here for? - Maybe forever.

I quit my job at the museum. Plus, I was sick of Paris.

It had gotten so noisy and crowded and polluted.

Well, New York should be a nice change from all, huh?

Come on over here. Let's catch up, huh?

- God, it's been forever. - Mhmm.

Judith's birthday isn't until next Saturday.

Huh?

Oh, this is for Jeremy, it's a scuba camp.

Thank God he's got that little blowhole up here.

Well, that didn't come from our side of the family.

Ah!

You're looking so pretty. Prettier than I remembered.

Winnie, Mother's on the phone.

Look, if you won't stay with them,

will you at least go antiquing with her on Saturday?

Sure.

Nothing I like more

than to watch the old girl haggle over a churn.

Oh, how nice of you to drop by.

Nice birthday surprise, huh?

Oh, yeah, well, it's a surprise, anyway.

She just appeared on my doorstep with her suitcase.

- Well, you know Winnie, she's-- - Young.

- Pretty. - Exciting.

A little irresponsible.

Yes, and a little short on cash.

Looks like she'll be staying at the Hotel Judith

for quite some time.

Oh, it'll be fun. Like a slumber party.

Oh, yeah, that lasts 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

Listen, can you think of anybody to fix her up with?

You know, just keep her busy?

Me?

Well, I could give it some thought.

Thank you.

So I'm standing in front of Picasso's "Man With a Guitar"

explaining cubism, when for the one millionth time,

someone in the group says, my five-year-old could do that.

So I handed the five-year-old a pen and paper

and said, go to it.

Then I walked out and decided

it's time for me to pursue my real dream.

- Oh, and what is that? - I don't know.

I probably should've figured that out before I wised off.

- Well. - Anyway...

speaking of dreams, how's your writing going?

Fine, all I gotta do now is put in the words.

So-so, I don't have a lot of time to write.

I'm pretty busy basically just running this place.

You should find the time. Your stuff was really sweet.

Quirky, Martin-y.

- Thank you. - It's great to see you.

I was so bummed when you and Judith split up.

Well, it wasn't a great moment for me, either.

And talk about trading down. I mean, Richard Stone?

I know he's frozen, but he's probably less stiff now

than he was when he was alive.

There's a woman after my own heart.

Yeah!

Well, well, well,

I thought you were taking lunch, not early retirement.

Not that it's any of your business,

but we've been shopping for Jude's birthday present.

But what do you get for the woman

who already has formal and everyday crème brûlée spoons?

You should try that store, "Think Big."

You know, they got all this giant stuff.

They got a pencil there bigger than Paul Williams.

Maybe they'll have a giant crème brûlée spoon.

Call me later. Martin.

If I remember my Bible correctly,

Jacob coveted his ex-wife's sister,

and Israel got six more weeks of winter.

What are you talking about?

Come on, Martin, it's so steamy in here

you could cook- I don't know, vegetables, maybe.

Don't be ridiculous. I'm not interested in her.

She's like family.

I can't stop thinking about her, Eddie.

I've never been this attracted to a woman.

Oh, man, what about Ann-Margaret on the treadmill

at the beginning of Bye Bye Birdie?

Times ten.

Well, then nail her.

I can't nail her, for God's sake, she's Judith's sister.

So?

I slept with your sister for 15 years, no biggie.

Well, you weren't married to me.

Did you sleep with your ex-wife's sister?

Yeah, I would've if she let me, man.

At the wedding, I started slow dancing with her,

I had a woody the size of a rolling pin, I swear.

Yeah, well, you're a pervert.

Yeah, maybe. What do you think? Mushroom or taupe?

Eddie, I um-- oh, hi, Martin.

- Hi. - Oh, go with the taupe.

- Kristy. Can I ask you a question? - Well, sure.

Would you ever consider sleeping with your ex-husband's brother?

Oh, you goddamn son of a bitch.

- I told you that in confidence. - What? I didn't say anything.

Don't lie to me, you rotten sack of shit!

- Arghh! - Oh!

Anyway, what were you saying?

Ah, never mind, Winnie's not interested in me,

she thinks of me as just a big brother.

You know what? I have the perfect solution.

Why don't you let me nail her,

and then I'll show you the video.

How can I ever repay you?

Go with the mushroom.

I chop up a little onion, add just a dash of salt and pepper,

a little bit of sour cream, then I whip it all up in the mixture,

and it comes out so light and fluffy.

I've bungled it badly.

Uh, just a minute.

sHi.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise.

Is this a bad time?

No, come on in.

I was just cooking some spaghetti,

and there's plenty for two,

if I can ever get it untangled.

Um, okay,

but I really just came by to show you what I got Judith.

Oh, terrific, I bet I know exactly what you picked.

I'll bet you don't.

What do you think?

I think when you give that to Judith,

you might wanna put it in a box first.

Right. Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

After three Bombays on the rocks,

this seemed like a really great idea.

But apparently it isn't, and I gotta get out of here.

No, no, no, no, no!

- Wait. - Wait?

Uh, don't wait. Don't wait.

- Just keep going. - Right.

- You're my ex-brother-in-law! - And you're still Jeremy's aunt.

And Judith, Judith's not good at sharing things even when she's done with them.

Believe me, I know what you mean,

which is why we can never do this.

- No matter how much I want you. - You want me?

I want you, too.

Okay, now, let's just think this thing through, okay?

I mean, either we can do it or not do it, but either way,

we have to make a mature, well-reasoned decision.

Right.

Odds, we do it, evens, we don't do it.

One, two, three, shoot.

It's evens.

It's odds.

♪ Cheer up, little sister A new day is dawning ♪

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ When troubles hit ya Don't let it get ya ♪

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ And when the sun comes Heaving over the hill ♪

♪ Say you're feeling better ♪

♪ You can bet your boots You will ♪

♪ Cheer up, little sister ♪

Ow! Ow!

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ When troubles hit ya Don't let it get ya ♪

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ And when the sun comes heaving Over the hill ♪

♪ Say you're feeling better ♪

♪ You can bet your boots You will ♪

Thanks.

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ You'll feel better In the morning ♪

♪ You'll feel better In the morn ♪

Hey, I thought we were meeting at my place.

I just finished reading your story about the boarding school.

It was so beautiful.

When Duncan finds out that the coach is his father...

Look, I'm through here.

Why don't we just go home?

I can't wait. I want you now.

- We're going down. - Oh!

Set 'er down nice and easy, I hate rough landings.

It's Judith.

Prepare for crash landing! Prepare for crash landing!

Uh, uh...

Just a minute!

Quick, quick, quick! Get out on the ledge.

No fucking way!

Okay, get under the desk. Come on, under the desk!

Martin, what's going on?

Nothing, I'll be right there. Just...

Listen, I get-- what happened to your office?

It got messy, which is why I'm here late cleaning up.

Huh, listen, I need to talk to you.

It's about Winnie.

Oh, what's she doing these days?

I think she's having some sort of illicit affair.

- No! - Yes, I'm sure of it.

She's out every night, she never tells me where she's going,

and she's always whispering on the phone.

Well, it's probably nothing. And even if she is, so what?

I'm sure when she lived in Paris she had tons of affairs.

Yeah, maybe, but while she's living here

she's my responsibility.

And if my mother finds out that she's been

tomcatting around with some married man

or Mafia kingpin, my ass is grass.

Jeez, I wish I could help.

Ohhh...

- I'm at a loss. - Well, who the hell could it be?

I mean, she doesn't know anyone in New York.

Your fly's open.

Whoops.

Anyway, you really should talk to Winnie about this.

In fact, I bet she's at your place right now. You better go!

- Before it's too late. - You're right.

I'll just call, see if she's there.

- If I can ever find the phone. - Wait!

Why don't you use Toby's phone?

You don't have to look for it, It's right on her desk.

Never mind. I found it.

The jig is up.

Oh, my God.

There is like, this huge cockroach under there.

Huge. - Really?

- Thank heaven. - Yeah, I know, we're infested.

In fact, the exterminators are gonna be here any moment, so you better scoot.

But if you hear anything from Winnie, let me know?

Absolutely, although I know I won't be hearing from her.

Unless she's taking up exterminating as a hobby.

Go, go.

Whew!

- Oh, my God. - Ow! Oh!

That's it. We have got to tell her.

- We do? - What other choice do we have?

Oh, I don't know. We could not tell her.

We've gone to all this trouble to hide it.

It would be a shame to let it go to waste.

No, I can't live like this.

We'll have to tell her, and she'll have to deal with it.

- When are you gonna tell her? - Me?

Well, I can't tell her. I'm totally unequipped.

The most intimate thing I ever discussed with my family

was whether to get my ears pierced.

Maybe you could just write her a note,

you know, and I could edit it.

Martin, you've got to tell her.

Unless you're not really committed to this relationship,

in which case there's no point in us telling anyone anything.

We should just bail right now.

This places us on the horns of a dilemma.

No, of course I'm committed, isn't my willingness to lie

an indication of just how committed I am?

But you'd rather I tell her?

So did you talk to her?

What happened? Tell me, tell me.

Uh... well,

You didn't tell her, did you?

Tell her the truth, son.

If she loves you, she won't mind.

Of course I did.

What'd she say? How'd she take it?

- Uh, about how you'd expect. - Oh, God.

And tomorrow's her birthday party.

Oh, I can't go. Tell her-- tell her I've...

Tell her I've got cramps or a piano fell in my head,

something, because I can't face her.

Good idea, don't go.

- That way it'll... - Give me more time.

Be more comfortable, you know, for everyone.

I'm sorry that I'm being such a crybaby,

But I'm just not as brave as you are.

I don't get it. No phone calls, no nothing.

I mean, where could she be?

How should I know? I mean, she's your sister.

But there's one thing I do know.

These are the best crackers I've ever had.

Where'd you get them?

Well, if Winnie is seeing a married man,

your father can make it very unpleasant for him.

- Mother, please. - No, I mean it.

A few well-placed calls from your Daddy,

and that gigolo won't be able to get a tee time

at any golf club in Connecticut.

Cappy, where did you get that jumper?

You know what, I am not going to let Winnie ruin my birthday.

That's the spirit.

This is your party, right?

So, mingle and enjoy.

- All right. - Go ahead.

On second thought, could you get me some more

of these stuffed mushrooms?

- Why, there are plenty left. - Uh...

Hey, how you doing?

Mm! Mm! All gone.

You know, we are serving dinner.

Mm!

Mm! Mm!

What are you doing here?

Well, I thought about it, and I decided,

what am I so afraid of?

Judith chose to dump you. Why should I suffer?

Winnie, You made it.

Oh, darling, you have such a pretty face.

- Why do you hide it? - I'm fine, Mother, how are you?

Oh, I think we could all use a drink.

Great idea, I know a terrific little place around the corner.

No, everything's out in the open.

I'm gonna march right in there and face Judith with dignity.

No, wait.

Why don't you go to the bathroom first.

Dignity with a full bladder can look like bloating.

Okay, maybe I'll throw up, too.

I guess you'll have to face the music.

It looks like the last eight bars, too.

Here you go. Eat up.

No, none for me, thanks. I'm full.

So where's that terrific new boyfriend of yours?

You're gonna jump all over this, but he's at his Whiffenpoof reunion.

Jude, why would I jump all over that?

The really great thing about our relationship

is that I don't judge who you go out with,

and you don't judge who I go out with,

and that's the way it should be.

Oh, I'm glad you feel that way.

And I'm glad you feel that way.

So, anyway, I'm thinking of asking out your sister.

What?

Happy birthday.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, no problem, so glad you could make it.

Um, could you give Martin and me just a moment?

Oh, sure. I'll meet you by the bar.

Mm! Noodle nose.

So you're thinking about asking my sister out, huh?

Again. I'm thinking about asking her out again.

Well, I can't believe it.

I mean, you're sleeping with my sister.

How can you be sleeping with my sister?

There's a logical explanation for this.

- It was an accident. - Oh! An accident.

Uh huh. And what happened?

Hmm, what, you tripped, and your penis fell into her vagina

- over and over again? - Exactly.

Martin, this is the most pathetic thing you have ever done,

- and that is saying something. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's so pathetic about it? Aside from the fact that she--

She and I came from the same womb?

Other than that one little thing, she's perfect for me.

Oh!

Okay, I am going to just put aside my feelings

of anger and repulsion for just a moment.

Just...

There.

You do know what's going on.

You're only going out with her because you can't have me.

Don't flatter yourself.

Winnie's nothing like you. She likes me, okay?

Not some stupid Whiffenpoof.

And she's spontaneous and unpretentious,

like you used to be before you met Richard Stone.

- Are you finished? - No.

When she reads my writing, it makes her cry.

You know, the way you used to,

and we go out for Chinese food at 02:00 in the morning.

- Like you and I used to. - Yes, yes, that's right.

You're not really going out with her

because she reminds you of me,

you're going out with her because she reminds you

of me ten years ago.

Ye--

Yes, I guess that's-- that's what I'm saying.

And do you think that this is the foundation

for a healthy relationship?

No, not- not really.

And don't you think that you should put a stop to it, pronto?

- Yeah, I guess. - Good.

So, why don't you go out and have a talk with Winnie,

and I'll slice some more prosciutto,

and then... I'll have a talk with Winnie.

Okay.

Class dismissed.

Gah! Hi.

Hi, I've been looking for you.

No, you haven't. You've been looking for the old Judith.

- No, not exactly. - Bullshit!

I just heard you say it.

Okay, but it's not my fault.

I mean, you shouldn't have been eavesdropping.

- You fuck! - Oh!

Winnie, would you like a drink?

They're all gone, you can come out now.

Were your parents very upset?

Yeah, but it might be because we ran out of Shivas.

You want a drink?

- No, no, I'm fine. - Valium?

It's kind of late for that, isn't it?

So did you and Winnie ever--

Get a chance to talk?

- Yes. - And?

And I told her I liked her vest,

and then she asked if she could borrow my earrings.

- That's it? - Martin, you know my family dynamic.

We have... difficulty confronting one another.

That's funny, none of you seems to have any difficulty confronting me.

Yeah, well, we have to have some kind of outlet.

Judith, I'm sorry. You know, I just...

- I'm sorry. - No, no, it's all right.

I mean, it's really sort of flattering in a perverse kind of way.

You didn't open my gift.

Oh, I wanted to wait for you.

Martin, just for the record,

I'm still fun.

And you know, I'm spontaneous, like, all the time.

Jude, I'm sure you are.

Like last week I was at this hoedown against hunger,

and I wore cowboy boots,

and I even rode the mechanical bull.

Wow, that's good for you.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, just because I live on Park Avenue

and I happen to wear Mikimoto pearls, you know,

it doesn't mean that I'm some kind of a snooty socialite.

Jude, I just said that in the heat of the moment.

You know, I don't see you that way at all.

Good.

Jude, it's not what you think.

You know, this is for... incense.

You know, to hide the smell of pot.

Gee, it's lucky I thought of that.

Prosciutto?