Original subtitles

How would you feel about skipping dinner?

I don't know. I'm pretty hungry.

What are you in the mood for?

Oh, you're in luck. I've got one left.

Come on in. Whoa! You're here.

This will just take a second.

Make yourselves home.

Irwin Bader, Esquire, Hunter Owens' management.

I know who you are.

What the hell are you doing here?

As you were notified by third-class bulk rate mail,

your building's going co-op.

The foxes are interested in your unit.

It's a bit on the snug side, isn't it?

Just try to imagine it without all this crap in here.

You can't do this.

As a tenant in this building, I have certain rights.

I've got a right to be upset.

I've got the right to my last wish.

My man's got a right to toad his liquor wherever it fits him.

And-- and this is wrong.

Well, pursuant to lease Paragraph 19-C,

you do have 30 days to make a nonrefundable deposit

indicating your intention to buy.

But I've seen your financial statement,

and let's just say it's on our bulletin board

next to the You Want It When? cartoon.

Actually, I'm looking for a place.

- Um, what are you asking? - Penny.

It's a steal at 250.

$250,000?

- We'll take it. - I'll give you 260.

Well, I've got 260 on the side. Who'll give me 270?

- 270? - 270.

- I've got 270. Can I get 271? - 271.

71? 72? 72.

Who'll give me 75? Five? Five? Five?

Okay. That's it! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Everybody out! Now get out of here!

Move it! Move it! Move it! Go on!

Wait, wait. I'll give you 275 and 30% down.

You, too. You, too, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Now go!

No need to get off, Tupper.

I'm sure we can help you find a nice rental

in your price range over in Fort Lee.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna buy this place.

I have a secret bank account

I've been saving for just this occasion.

Voila.

Okay. Thanks, Rudy.

Look, this one doesn't look so bad.

Two-bedroom, bath, charming, SoBro walk-up.

So brother. That must mean Soho.

SoBro, South Bronx.

You'll be near, uh, Yankee Stadium.

Can I park at your place?

- Hey, Rudy. - Yes?

Do you have that magazine

where the women are completely shaved?

Heads Or Pussies?

Uh, do you have one with both?

Yes, Smoothies. We have 'em in back.

Would you stop?

We're here to find an apartment, not the future Mrs. Charles.

- Now, come on. - You know, I just don't get it.

If they're gonna offer you the inside price on your place,

then why don't you just buy it?

Well, because...

I ain't got no money.

...I just don't want the assets,

you know, the mortgage, the wallpaper.

I'm hurt.

I mean, if it's a question of money,

you should have just told me.

Eddie, I didn't want to impose...

- Look, if you can lend me-- - Lend?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm hurt you weren't honest with me.

Uh, loan's out of the question.

I just got that place in the Hamptons.

I mean, who wants to live in Manhattan during the summer?

Well, don't worry. I won't be.

I'll be in fucking SoBro, frying Bologna on a hot plate.

Martin, if you need money,

why don't you just ask for a raise?

I mean, how long has it been since you had one?

- Ten years. - It's been a while.

You're almost 40. Own something.

I mean, you're probably the only person

in our high school class who's still renting.

Believe me, there is no way that Gibby is gonna give me a raise.

Not if you don't ask.

You just gotta march yourself right in there

and demand more money.

I mean, what is the worst that could happen?

Gibby, I want a raise.

20% and not a penny less.

- Marty-- - Now, wait a minute, Gibby.

Just sit back down and hear me out.

Thank you.

Now, look, I have given you 12 years of my life

and some of the best books this firm has ever published.

I deserve this raise, Gibby,

and I will not take no for an answer.

Gibby.

Uh, I can come back later.

No, no, no, no. Come in, Marty.

Just give me a little bikini wax.

Don't want to be too shaggy when they take out the catheter.

Of course.

Gibby.

Gibby.

I'm sorry if our little chat had anything to do with this.

No, no, you mustn't blame yourself, Marty.

Nothing you say or do ever affects me that much.

Oh, well, that's just-- it's nice to hear.

Yeah, it's just a mild heart attack.

Stress-related.

Ergo I shall be reducing my work schedule

from five half days a week to three.

Great idea.

Of course, without you being there every day,

it's gonna be...

Devine.

...tough, but we'll muddle through.

Yeah, you know, I'm looking for a head muddler.

- Sort of my vice president. - Really?

Would you have anyone in mind?

Yeah, well, before my aorta seized up

like a Scotsman's fist on a holiday,

I-- I recall you whining about a raise.

Hallelujah! My prayers are granted.

Gibby, thank you.

- Give me your arm. - Ow.

Sorry. I'm shocked.

I mean, not that I should be,

you know, you've always been generous.

More than generous, I mean, very, very, very generous.

Yeah, careful scrambling up my coal chute, Marty.

You might bump your head on the bedpan.

Besides, I haven't offered you the job yet.

You gotta prove to me that you got what it takes.

Whatever you need.

I'll work weekends, I can redo the production schedule.

Anyone can do that.

What I've got in mind is much more important.

I need you

to go out

with my sister.

- Your sister? - My sister.

She's in town for a visit.

She'd like to do some sightseeing, so chop, chop.

Why don't you do your own dirty work?

I'm really not sure

that I'm the one to do this kind of thing.

Yes, I understand.

You feel unworthy of anyone

who's slipped through the same labia as yours truly.

But even though she was born with a silver teat in her mouth,

she doesn't mind slumming it.

Which is where you come in.

Oh, dear. I'm hard now.

The wax, Marty.

Gibby.

Gibby.

I'd love to do this, you know,

but like a lot of New Yorkers,

I just don't know that much about New York.

I mean, the Statue of Liberty is where?

- Queens? - I'm sorry. I misunderstood.

I was under the impression

that you actually wanted this promotion.

Well, I'm sure that one of your colleagues,

Fred or Carter, for example,

did locate a 150-foot copper woman.

Of course, I could get a guidebook.

In fact, we-- we publish one, don't we?

That's the spirit.

I can hardly wait to introduce you.

Marty, meet my sister, Lucinda.

G'day, Marty. Call me Lu.

I'm gonna be a guide.

Oh, Marty, this place is charming.

Comfy is an old pair of knickers and twice as roomy.

Thanks. I'm in the process of buying it.

So, now, what did you call these again?

Snowdomes, that's right.

See, back home, they're frosty balls.

Right, what have you got here?

Staten Island Ferry, Empire State Building,

St. Patty's Cathedral.

Actually, that looks like St. John the Divine.

Don't touch it. You'll get them out of order.

Right, now, I seem to have missed the World Trade Center.

Oh, what a lovely bowl.

You know, I gave ceramics a go once

after my little labelling mix-up at the blood bank.

I made those big roosters you keep your napkins in.

Ah, the charm soon wore off.

Yakkity-Yakkity-Yak...

So, when the bus stewardess job came along,

I grabbed it.

The uniform was quite flattering, I suppose,

but, you know, you can only make the Perth to Adelaide run

so many times before you have to say

"I have handed out my last pork pie."

And so then you came to America. The end.

- Anyway, how about a drink? - Oh, yummy.

After that, I was a cable TV installer.

Then I did a little bit of foot modelling.

I've got bunions, so I make a great before photo.

Anyway, it all stops along the journey

to finding myself, I suppose.

Huh?

Oh, how long have you been a-- a professional bikini waxer?

Oh, I'm not, no.

Gibby and I have been doing that since we were this big.

Daddy taught us on Mum's moustache.

Sounds like your family's very...

- Sick. - ...close.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we are, especially me and Gibby.

We talk about everything.

Oh.

Well, if today's little outing comes up,

I hope you'll put in a kind word for the old tour guide.

Oh, Marty, you don't have to worry about that.

Well, I-- I hope you like Zinfandel.

And it's open.

What do you say we work up a bit of a thirst?

- What are you doing? - Oh, I see.

Prefer the servant's entrance, do we?

And it's open.

No, no, no.

What then? Blowjob?

Tug of the flesh candle? It's up to you, Marty.

After all, you did lug me round all day.

But you did pay for that pretzel, so we're even.

Lu.

Lu, I--

Look, it's not that I don't find you attractive.

You know, it's just I don't believe

in sleeping with someone on the first date.

Oh, that's a good one.

No!

Lu, I--

Lu, you know,

maybe-- look--

maybe you shouldn't mention this to Gibby.

Lu, uh...

you forgot your frosty balls.

I've just said goodbye to the vice presidency.

What's going on here?

Don't be coy with me,

Mr. Soon-to-be Vice President.

The word around the Pringles can

is we're moving up to the executive suite.

Toby.

By the way, now that I'm working for an executive,

I'm gonna need my own secretary.

You know, handle the phones, the typing and the filing.

And a new desk.

I think I'd look great behind mahogany.

Toby, I hate to disappoint you, but you're staying right here.

Oh, I get it. You're not taking me with you.

You just use me like a footstool to get ahead.

And then you just toss me aside

like a footstool you don't need anymore.

No, Toby, you're not going anywhere

because I'm not going anywhere.

Neither of us is going anywhere, ever.

Marty, when you're finished

with your little positive thinking seminar,

I'd like to see you in the conference room, please.

Apparently, my sister had quite a remarkable evening

at your hovel the other night.

Well, sometimes these things work out,

you know, and sometimes they don't.

Well, lucky for you, this time they did.

She can hardly wait until your next little jaunt.

Really?

Because when she left, I got the impression she was...

- Nuts. - ...a little ambivalent.

Oh, contraire, Marty.

Lu was greatly moved by your gentlemanly behavior.

But keep in mind, she spent her summers in the outback

where rope burns are a poor girl's bracelets.

Well, I said straight away that she deserves special handling.

Or actually, no handling at all.

Well, whatever it is you're not doing,

keep on not doing it.

Soon you'll be shaking the dew drops off your tulip

in the executive wash room.

I know he's going to hand me my promotion.

We're sitting on top of the world.

- Uh-uh. - Oh.

I lost key.

Oh, you got locked out and need the key.

Martin, I'm taking off.

But before I go, here's a little something

to go along with your promotion.

Hell, it's a little premature, but...

- You earned it. - Thank you, Toby.

- You didn't have to. - Yes, I did.

It's my resignation.

I'm not getting caught up

in your swirling vortex of shame and chicanery.

Uh-huh, well, you're making less sense than usual.

- Goodbye. - Oh, come on, Martin.

You'd have to be blind not to know what's going on

between you and Gibby's sister.

In fact, Ned, the blind elevator guy,

even he knows about it.

Look, the only reason I'm getting that promotion

is because Gibby knows that I'm the most qualified person.

Oh, right, and Tom Arnold got his own TV show

because he's so funny.

It's hot in here. I have to get some air.

Okay. Okay.

So I'm doing him a favor. So what?

It's like staying after school to dust the erasers,

you know, for extra credit.

Oh, Martin, you're pathetic. I'm going to go work for Fred.

He's a psycho, but at least he's got ethics.

Watch the hose, my little hedgehog.

Gibby, you're out of your wheelchair.

It's the age of miracles, Marty.

I am walking

and you are the new vice president of Whitestone.

Come along.

Welcome aboard.

Just a few formalities, Marty.

Call Bernice and let her know whether you prefer

Visa or MasterCard for your expense account.

Either is fine.

Go down to the garage, pick out a company car.

A car? A car. A car is good.

Just one other thing. It's about my sister.

- Okay. - You've got to fuck him, Marty.

Oh, he didn't say that. Or did he?

I-- I thought she wasn't interested

in a sexual relationship.

Apparently she's changed her mind.

She was so frustrated after you saw her home last night,

she had to finish herself off with a tuning fork.

I'm so happy now.

I need some time to-- to think about this.

All right. Take all the time you need.

Oops. Time's up.

Hello, Marty. Pot sticker?

Now? You want me to do it now?

Well, tick-tock, Marty.

A cleaning crew comes through in half an hour.

Could you excuse us for just a second?

Watch the hose.

Gibby, with all due respect,

I really don't think this is such a good idea.

For her, I mean.

Hmm. Perhaps.

But it's what she wants.

And it's the least I can do

after cheating her out of her inheritance.

- But Gibby-- - Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Don't let me down, Marty.

Otherwise you'll find yourself back in the tank

with Fred and Carter and all those other bottom feeders.

Okay.

Okay, Gibby, but not here.

You know, it's not my style.

Never associate you with style, Marty.

But suit yourself. Choose your own field.

Just be sure and do the plowing.

I'll be out in a minute, darling.

Don't start without me.

I've got a job to do.

Perfect.

Oh, Marty. I'm so glad we waited.

For once I feel like a heroine in a romance novel.

And not like a fold-out cot on a rugby team bus.

Well, cheers.

Take me now, Marty. I'm your personal cat toy.

Just tell me what you want.

I want...

- That job. - ...I want some more champagne.

Milling about in the lobby.

Time to come into the theater.

No, no, you can't do this horrible thing.

Wait a minute.

I just remembered.

I don't have any more condoms. I'm sorry.

I guess we'll just have to wait

till next time you're in America.

Oh, not to worry, Marty.

You forget I come from the land of sheepskins.

They give these away in boxes of detergent.

Okay, okay, let's get out and move into dirty work.

Well, that's handy.

I'm a pile of oily rags. Marty, set me a fire.

What I do for money?

Just a [indistinct].

You're a cheap prostitute. That's what you are.

Oh, now what?

I can't do this.

Well, I don't know what you're used to, Marty,

but that's enough club for me.

Look, I think you're very attractive and charming.

But the truth is...

the truth is, Gibby offered me an opportunity,

but only if I would-- if-- if I would...

Fuck me?

Well, not in so many words.

Actually, it wasn't exactly those words.

I thought it would be easy, you know,

because you are so attractive and charming,

but it-- it wouldn't be right.

It wouldn't be right for either of us, so I...

I'd like to put my pants on.

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks for your honesty.

No. Lu. Lu.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Marty, you never need to apologize.

You know, perhaps I should just leave

while I still have some dignity.

- Goodbye! - Whoa! No! No, no, no!

If a guy doesn't love you, that's one thing.

But if he won't even screw you to get ahead,

then what's the fucking point?

Don't! Don't do this!

There's nothing wrong with you. You're...

- Nuts. - ...a wonderful woman.

You're attractive and charming.

- I-- I am? - Of course you are.

Of course you are.

You don't want some jerk like me.

You know, I'm a sleazeball.

You deserve someone who really, really loves you.

- I do? - Of course you do.

Of course you do.

Now stay calm and I'll just get you

some nice ice water.

At last I breathe again.

There's no ice, but it's very, very cold.

Thanks. I'm sure it's fine.

You know, I'm just gonna use it

to wash down these ripped-fam winkles.

No! No! No! No! No!

Let go. Let go.

What a night.

- Gibby. - Marty.

Seems like you've laid up more of my family

than the clap epidemic of '72.

The doctors say she'll be fine.

They've bumped her stomach, but a nurse tells me

we should all have that done from time to time.

Whether we need it or not.

You didn't close the deal, did you?

You know, it's-- it's funny.

I was just about to and she took some sleeping pills

and it sort of killed the moment.

Well, I wasn't imagining you had fucked her into a coma.

Gibby, I'm sorry about all this.

Nah, don't worry about it.

She's always trying to off herself.

Bit of a loon, aren't you, old gal?

What?

You've managed to elude

the reaper's grasp once more, haven't you?

You behave yourself and I'll bring you a little present

when I get back from a trip.

A trip? Where are you going?

Well, the doctors tell me

I might need a heart transplant down the line,

so I'm off to Honduras to scout potential donors.

Senor, my name is Pancho. I would like to help you.

Gibby.

Gibby, I know this is a very awkward time,

but I hope this little incident hasn't affected

your decision about the vice presidency.

Oh, thanks for reminding me.

Yes, we must move forward on that tout suite.

Welcome aboard.

Lu.

How would you like to be vice president of Whitestone?

- Okay. - Okay.

What? You can't do that.

She doesn't know anything about publishing.

Oh, he's got a point.

Well, Marty can show you the ropes.

He's been around longer than the doorknobs.

Te-ra, luv.

This is completely unfair!

Uh, yes, it is.

But I have to do something to lift her spirits.

We'll do something else.

I mean, buy her some flowers

or bring her back a fucking sombrero.

I-- I deserve this job.

Marty, I couldn't count on you

to fit a round peg into a round hole.

How can I expect you to run my company?

They're not exactly translatable skills, Gibby.

Hasta-la-bye-bye.

All that time I spent with a dummy.

Marty?

What, Lu? What is it?

This could be you.

Uh, maybe we can find an easier way

for you to make a living.