Original subtitles

Hey, Toby, any messages for me?

Max Canoe and Kayak Shack called.

They wanted a $200 non-refundable deposit,

so I gave them your Mastercard number.

You're all set for your big Father's Day weekend.

Great, great, thanks. Thanks, anything else?

Uh, yeah.

Jeremy called about an hour ago.

Something about having to cancel some canoe trip?

I'm sorry, Martin, I forgot this is the weekend Richard's being inducted

into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Jeremy, you cannot just postpone the canoe trip, okay?

The canoe trip and Father's Day are like this.

You know, if you postpone it, it'll be just like that.

Yeah, but the Rolling Stones are doing a medley of its top 40 hits.

You call that music?

The Stones play all the time.

Father's Day is once a year.

Dad, put yourself in my situation.

What would you rather go with? Canoeing or the Stones?

Certainly with stones, they are all the rage.

Fine, fine, fine, I'll just go alone.

Maybe I can rent a family from the place where we get the lifejackets.

I've got an idea. Why don't you come with us?

I'm sure we can get another ticket.

I don't wanna impose.

Oh, please, please come.

You know how I am at these things,

and-- and it just really help having you there by my side.

Oh, she needs a good man.

Well, you don't--

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, little groom here.

Judith, you know, if there were a Beautiful Smile Hall of Fame,

you'd be the first and only inductee.

Oh, well, thank you, Paul.

And "Just An Old-Fashioned Love Song"

is one of my favorite old-fashioned love songs.

You know, if I could get your autograph,

it would really help me get laid.

Hi.

Hey. Hey, you're Warren Zevon.

I'm a huge fan of yours.

- Thanks, I really appreciate it. - Yeah.

I used to play "Mohammed's Radio" on the guitar.

Or was it "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"?

Basically they're the same song, aren't they? You know, same chords.

C, G, D, C, G, D.

Get away from me before I call security, you little fuck.

You're probably the idiot who yells "Werewolves of London" at every concert.

Cocksucker.

Bam!

Somehow I don't feel very comfortable with you any longer.

Jerry Rivlin, how you doing? Buckshot Records.

Oh, hello. I have followed your husband's career from day one to day now,

and nothing would make me prouder than to work with him on his next album.

Well, he's dead. He's been dead for over a year.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

Well, that can often be a very good career move.

Here's my card.

You know, Jude, I had this insane notion of maybe spending five minutes with my family.

Is this guy bothering you, honey?

You wanna get rid of him? Because I could do that, pal.

No, thank you. This is my ex-husband.

Thank you. I've saved us a table over--

over by the ice sculpture of Jim Croce.

Oh, great. I'll meet you over there in a minute.

Keeping my eye on you, pal.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Ah!

♪ Ugga mugga lugga powet ♪

♪ Camp Nahaka, we know how We swim and boat, catch a goat ♪

♪ Then it's time To take a shower ♪

♪ Camp Nahaka! ♪

Marty Tupper!

Alan Boyd! Remember me?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You haven't changed a bit.

- What have you been up to? - Not much.

Just running the third-largest recording studio

in the tri-state area.

Damn, it's nice to see a friendly face

in this room full of weasel cocksuckers.

I didn't know you were in the music business too.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm a book editor.

No kidding.

Hey!

Don't you hide from me, Mr. Jon Bon Jovi!

I'm beginning to get a new perspective on this crawling little animal known as man.

Obviously I can't find my ticket, okay?

But it's a tan trench coat with a belt.

Oh, I think I remember.

The one with the sleeves and the buttons down the front.

Are you by any chance trying to be amusing?

You have caviar on your pants.

If I knew this was gonna kill you, I wouldn't have mentioned it.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Here. Let me.

You-- you didn't lift my wallet while you were back there, did you?

No. God, I hate these things.

They're like these huge, masturbatory exercises.

- Only without the orgasms. - Oh, exactly.

And if you're gonna honor somebody, why Richard Stone?

- Guy's like a poor man's-- - Helen Reddy.

Well, I was gonna say Leo Sayer,

but, well, you mentioned it.

So what do you do when you're not trying to fertilize fish eggs?

I'm an authority on hats. I get paid for going about hats.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I think an apathy is the most powerful statement you can make.

How about you? What do you do?

Um, I'm a really bad pickpocket.

Listen, I'm filling your name here.

- Martin. - Katrina.

You wanna get out of here? I'm seriously craving apple pie, and all I can find

are these truffles in the shape of treble cliffs.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. I just got to take care of this.

How we doing with that coat?

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

That was a damn good hunk of pie.

I defrosted it myself.

When I was little, my dad used to make apple pie all the time.

It's one of the few things that I remember about him.

- How old were you when he died? - 27.

He ran off with a waitress from the Dairy Queen when I was five.

To this day, soft serve fills me with rage.

I have the same thing with pimentos.

There's no real story behind it.

You know, they-- they just bother me.

So anyway, you were talking about pie?

Oh, yeah.

I remember, before I went to bed,

I-- I rubbed the apple pie juice all over my lips

so I could taste it all night.

Like this.

Mmm.

- Does that feel good? - Well...

I imagine that would attract bees.

Let's make love.

Okay.

Improvise as much as you like, but you mustn't lose melody.

Oh, my God, I can't even breathe--

That jive talk from you gives me quite a note.

Oh, Eddie, she's incredible.

You know, she's smart and funny and-- and really sensitive.

She's not in all that stargazing and ask me some bullshit.

Well, I guess so if she slept with you.

No, what I mean, instead of like, you know, Rod Stewart.

No, what I mean--

Good for you. What's her name again?

Katrina, it means "purity of spirit" in Greek.

We spent the last four nights in a row together.

- You know, I can't stop thinking about her. - So what does she look like?

Big ones, little ones, one of each?

They're perfect. Okay?

She's got these beautiful green eyes.

She's kind of tall, you know, and really, really full red lips, and...

Wait, wait, wait.

It wasn't Katrina Banks, was it?

Well, you-- you never f-- You know her?

Oh, my God.

That's her!

You fuck Katrina Banks?

The Katrina Banks? From Crevice?

What's Crevice?

Geez, Martin, they're on MTV and VH1 every two seconds.

Where have you been for the last six months?

I was having my beauty sleep.

Mostly I watch public television.

Can you believe he fucked her?

I'm ten times better-looking, and famous,

and the best I ever did was that chick who sings

"Oh, Mickey, You're So Fine."

I wonder why she never said anything.

She probably thought she didn't have to.

Oh, by the way, if you were wondering,

the guy on the cover of Newsweek?

The President of the United States.

Oh, no, no, of course I knew who you were.

I just didn't recognize you. You know, because in person,

you look so much more three-dimensional.

Thank you.

But now I see the resemblance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Geez, I hope I didn't offend you.

No, no, it's part of what I like about you.

You were attracted to me, not her.

Well, now I like you both. I mean, not that I didn't like her before.

In-- in fact, I've had your album ever since...

- Ten minutes to eight. - ...it came out.

You know, I love how those edgy guitarists

belie the dark, almost nihilistic tone of the--

Martin, if I wanted to talk about my career,

I'd go out with Kurt Loder.

Who's he?

Yeah, right.

I was just-- I've-- I've never dated a rock star before.

Unless you count the affair I had with the cover of my Nancy Sinatra album when I was 13.

Just think of me like any other woman you've ever dated.

Only prettier, more talented, and much, much richer.

Okay.

Now, I'm gonna take a shower

and then I have big plans for you.

Oh, do you mind?

Hmm? Oh?

Come in and wash my back.

I thought you might like some company.

I'll be through in a second.

Uh, are you a diabetic?

No.

- Vitamin B12 shot. - Mm-mm.

Chronic athlete's foot and that's some kind of anti-fungal injection.

It's heroin.

- That-- that was my next guess. - Okay, don't worry.

I never share needles

and I always test negative for HIV.

Always?

How-- how long have you...

been doing this?

I don't know. Two albums, give or take an EP?

- So what you're saying is... - You're a drug fiend.

...you're a heroin-using person.

Oh, no, I'd say I'm more of a recreational user.

I just didn't mention this because I wasn't sure if you'd be cool about it.

But... this isn't gonna be a problem, is it?

No. No, no. I just wish you told me.

You know? But now I know, right?

So why don't you untie your little tube there

and I'll brush my teeth and then we'll be all set.

Jude. Judith, come in. Come in.

Have you seen this? Toby just gave it to me.

I mean, can you believe this garbage?

It is so obviously a fake picture.

I mean, I would never wear taffeta.

- Well, but your hair looks nice. - Yeah.

- It's sort of does, doesn't it? - Yeah.

Anyway, um, something wrong? You sounded kind of upset on the phone.

Uh, sit down. Sit down.

It's no big deal.

I just wanted to ask you a relationship question.

Oh, sure. Go ahead.

Well, I've been seeing this...

- Drug fiend. - ...woman, and I like her.

I really like her, you know, but she has this one kind of bad habit.

Oh, well, you know, we all have bad habits.

- I mean, even Richard did. - Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah. He was a compulsive over-tipper.

Well, this is a bit different.

Why? What's her habit?

Heroin.

She does heroin.

Okay, well, now, that's really different.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, it's not like she's some strung-out zombie

who knocks over drugstores to support her habit.

- Mmm. I see. - What are you saying?

I should break up with her just because of one little fault?

No, I am not saying that. You're saying that.

Obviously, this bothers you, as it should.

So you can either break up with her or try to help her.

Six years in a PhD program, and that's your advice?

I mean, Toby could have given me that.

Actually, I was gonna suggest you turn her in to the Feds.

Who knows? There might be a lot of reward money in it for you.

And if there is, I should get at least 20%.

What are your initials? D-O-P-E?

Never mind.

I have a little surprise for you.

Close your eyes and guess what it is.

- Heroin. - Junk.

The wonder drugs of the white man.

A US savings bond?

Well, I was gonna get that, but the bank was closed.

Here.

Open it.

"Happy Father's Day."

Well, we met on Father's Day

and it made me happy.

Okay, wait. I have to go to the bathroom.

Uh, is this a nature calling thing

or a shooting heroin between your toes kind of thing?

Nature.

I did the shoot heroin between my toes thing

before I came over.

Katrina.

About that, okay? Um...

How about give me the dope?

I think you should get off of the stuff that you're on.

- Okay. - Really?

Well-- well, I-- I thought that was gonna be much harder.

No, I meant, okay, that's your opinion,

but I'm not quitting.

- Why not? - Well, because I like heroin.

- It makes me feel warm and safe and comfortable. - So does a quilt, okay?

But when you get caught with a quilt, you don't do 20 years in the slammer.

- Not unless it's really, really ugly. - No, no, I'm serious about this.

Martin, I'm not gonna get into trouble.

One of the few advantages of being a rock star is you're pretty much above the law.

Unless you're Black, then you're fucked.

Yeah, well, I'm not just worried about you, okay? I have a 16-year-old son.

Now, what's he gonna say when he finds out his father's dating a heroin addict?

Heroin? How cool is that?

This would have been worth 50 bucks.

Shit, that's in the kitchen. Go, go, go.

Martin, I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this.

You don't understand? Well, because...

Because it's heroin or smack or H or horse,

- whatever the fuck you people call it. - Okay, I'm not stupid.

I know that long-term this may not be the best thing health-wise, but--

No, no. Bacon is not the best thing health-wise, okay?

If Janis Joplin was addicted to bacon, she'd have

very high cholesterol, but probably wouldn't be dead.

- Look, I have this totally under control. - Oh, come on.

Stop treating me like a five-year-old!

I will quit when I feel like quitting.

- Well, I can't wait that long. - What do you mean?

What do you think I mean? I like you.

I like you a lot. I probably even love you.

But if you keep doing that stuff, then I can't keep seeing you.

- Are you breaking up with me? - Yes, I am.

Fine.

He's dumping her? Your father's an idiot, man.

They're moving to the door.

Oh, hi. How you doing? Just--

Excellent.

It rakes my heart, but it's the right thing to do.

Heroin.

- Reefer stubs and a heroin fix. - Heroin.

Hey!

- Oh, you're up. - Toby, what did I tell you, like, five minutes ago?

- That you didn't wanna see anyone. - And yet here you are.

Well, I just wanted to clarify. What do you mean by anyone?

I mean, what if William Shakespeare were here

with a new novel he wanted you to publish?

- Would you want me to send him in? - No.

What if your girlfriend were here to beg you to take her back?

Always right there with the jokes, aren't you?

Out. Out. Out. Out. Just get out.

Fine. I just wanna keep it clear.

Sorry, Miss Banks. He specifically does not wanna see you.

Oh, Toby.

Just following orders.

Martin, is this a bad time?

No. No, no, not at all. Just come in.

Please. Come in.

Toby, hold all my calls.

All your calls? What if Joe Naiman--

I-- I have brought that kid a new camera.

Annie Leibovitz told me that this is the best kind.

Well-- well, he's-- he's a big Annie Leibovitz fan.

Look.

I've been thinking about what you did last night,

and no one's ever done that to me before.

No one's ever broken up with you?

Well, once. But it was in a video.

But what I'm trying to say is that nobody has ever cared enough to...

say "no" to me.

I wasn't saying "no" as much as just--

Not under these circumstances.

Yeah. Well, about the heroin.

I'm willing to give it a shot.

That's a bad, bad, bad choice of words.

I wanna quit. I need to quit.

Oh, great.

Great. That's just great.

But if I check into detox

and you run off to New Zealand with some other rock star,

I am gonna track you down and make you listen to the soundtrack of Xanadu

until you go insane, which will probably take about half a side one.

No, no, no. I'm not going anywhere.

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Soon I will have found Some girl that I adore ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ While I sit around My love can scrub the floor ♪

♪ She'll kiss me every hour ♪

♪ Or she'll get the sack ♪

♪ And when I take a shower, She'll just scrub my back ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ Soon I will have found Some girl that I adore ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ While I sit around My love can scrub the floor ♪

♪ She'll kiss me every hour ♪

♪ Or she'll get the sack ♪

♪ And when I take a shower, She'll just scrub my back ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ On a moonlight night She'll cook me onion soup ♪

♪ Kiddies are romantic ♪

♪ And if we don't fight We soon will have a troupe ♪

♪ She'll kiss me every hour ♪

♪ Or she'll get the sack ♪

♪ And when I take a shower, She'll just scrub my back ♪

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

It's one thing to stay clean in here.

The only white powder they have is Ajax.

And don't think I didn't try snorting it.

No.

No, no, no, no.

You're gonna be fine.

You know, we'll just take it one day at a time, okay? No pressure.

- Katrina! Katrina! How are you feeling? - How are you feeling?

How long have you been a heroin addict?

- Is this gonna delay your album? - One at a time, please.

- What made you kick the habit? - He did.

Martin Tupper saved my life.

- Martin Tupper? - Mr. Tupper?

Who are you? Do you have anything to say?

Uh...

not really.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've just listened to radio's newest sensation,

who will be with you next week and many weeks to come. I refer to Mister--

- Mr. Tupper! - Mr. Tupper!

Mr. Tupper! Mr. Tupper! Mr. Tupper! Mr. Tupper!