Original subtitles

He's all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

Damn it! Who the hell invented these things anyway?

I mean, what, are buttons too simple?

You know, I remember my first awards ceremony.

I was much, much cooler than you are now.

You know what you need? A blowjob.

Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass.

Jeez, too bad this isn't the sweatiest man

in New York Award, you'd be a lock.

I can't help it.

This is one of the biggest days of my life.

Oh, man, how big can it be? Orson Bean is the emcee.

All I know is if you win editor of the Year,

that makes me secretary of the year.

Which means you should come through with some perks.

Like my own mini fridge, so those foreign guys

in the mailroom don't swipe my yogurt.

I'll do better than that.

Okay, if I win, I'll send you to Hawaii.

- One way ticket. - Hawaii, that lasts a week.

A mini fridge lasts forever. Oh, I got a surprise for you.

Too bad I gotta walk all the way to the kitchen.

If I had a mini fridge, I'd be back in a second.

There, now at least you look like a winner.

Yeah, well, I'd better fucking win.

When Fudterman brought me that book, it was shit, you know?

But I spun it into gold like Rumpelstiltskin.

Only he had straw to work with, and I had shit.

Where the hell is Judith, anyway?

Right here. Sorry I'm late.

The baby wouldn't let me leave until I helped him pick out

colors for the tapestry he's weaving.

Oh, Eddie, you look very nice.

Well, thank you. So do you.

And Martin, you look awful.

Thanks, I'm glad I spent 650 bucks on a new tux.

Oh, no, the tux looks great.

It's you, your eyes are all bloodshot and baggy.

Well, maybe it's because I haven't closed them in 72 hours.

I'm just, I'm too nervous to sleep.

Don't mind him, he's a little psycho

because of this awards thing.

How could you possibly think I couldn't hear that?

I'm standing right here.

- Bubbly for everyone! - Hey!

I thought it would calm Martin down.

Thanks, but I don't think anything'll help.

Oh, well, even if it doesn't,

it'll help us to get through spending the evening with you.

Hey, let me get that.

I did a remote from Napa last week.

I don't think I have to go to an auto parts store

to learn how to open a bottle of champagne.

- Yeah, but I got it. - No!

- Let me get it. I got it. - I have it.

What's the matter?

Careful, don't waste any.

And some for you.

- Is this French? - No, California.

But it's good.

I've never had this brand before.

I'm choking!

Oh well, looks like someone's changed his mind.

Here you go. Oh, thanks.

So, what shall we toast to?

How about my new mini fridge?

Martin, will you finish what you have first?

I would like to make a toast.

To Martin Tupper.

I hope that tonight proves

that sometimes good guys do win out.

Oh my God, he's turning blue!

Like that kid in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

Martin! Oh, gosh.

Martin, stop it. You're all purple, and--

Aah! What are we supposed to-- Martin! Martin!

Speak to me!

Hello, you must've been Martin Tupper.

What do you mean, must've been?

What's going on here? Where's Toby?

She's on Earth. And you, well, you're dead.

- What? - See this stapler?

This stapler is more alive than you are.

Now, come with me.

No, no, no, no.

See, I can't be dead.

I have to be at an awards dinner in an hour.

Well, looks like you're gonna be about infinity years late.

- Your 3:00 is here. - Ah, Tupper, come in.

This is my office. What the hell's going on here?

I'm Marshall, your transitional officer.

I handle all of the book editors on the East Coast.

This only looks like your office.

We try to do that so that the decedent feels

a little more comfortable for the first few minutes anyway, after that, who knows?

- I'm dead? - Yeah.

I'm really dead.

You expired five minutes ago from cork inhalation.

Excuse me.

Oh, you really should've seen it.

I mean, the thing shot right into your mouth.

What are the odds?

I can't believe I'm dead.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard somebody say that.

Maybe you could afford to get me a mini fridge?

Let's dive right in, shall we?

Whoa, whoa, slow down for a second, will you?

I mean, what's gonna happen to me?

- Where do I go? - Well, that depends.

It's really very simple.

We have your Form TC-10 here,

otherwise known as the Ten Commandments.

I just go down the list, check the score.

It's kind of like a quiz.

Do I need a number two pencil or anything?

You still don't get it. You already took the quiz.

I'm just simply grading your paper, so to speak.

Let's get started. Number one. Let's see.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery." Ugh!

Ugh, what do you mean, ugh?

Does the name Richard Stone mean anything to you?

How about his wife, Judith Stone?

Well, maybe if you turn your attention to the TV set.

I believe Dr. Stone was out of town.

To good friends.

I wanna thank you, Martin.

I thought the last two weeks were gonna be just miserable.

Actually, I've had a wonderful time.

Well, well--

Poppy, another couple of drinks,

and you're liable to forget about the divorce,

and we'll be right back where we started from.

I'm just glad I could be here for you.

Have you checked the paper? Know what you want to see?

Well, you know, I was thinking, it's so awful out,

I thought maybe we could just stay in and see a movie.

I stopped by the video store on my way home.

Well, what'd you get?

Oh, just this.

Oh! "It's a Wonderful Life!"

Oh!

Oh, this movie.

I swear, no matter how many times I see it,

it always makes me cry.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, it just shows you what's really important in life.

It's the people who are always there for you, no matter what.

Yeah, you're right.

And the great thing is, he gets another chance.

He gets to do it all over again and not make the same mistakes.

Hmm, that's true.

She lights up like a firefly whenever you're around.

Besides, Sam Wainright's away in New York,

and you're here in Bedford Falls.

And all'S fair in love and war.

We interrupt this program

to bring you a special report.

This just in, we've just received word

that Dr. Richard Stone's been shot.

Moments ago, an assassination attempt on the Pope

was foiled when the world renowned surgeon

threw himself in front of the bullet.

Dr. Stone is reported to be in critical condition.

He's being flown now to the United States

at this very moment.

Okay, I've seen enough. That's oh-for-one.

Come on. Come on. It was completely innocent.

Plus, we never actually finished, so technically--

Look, I don't have time to argue.

There's gonna be an outbreak of botulism at a book fair

outside New Haven in less than an hour.

So let's just try and get through this, shall we?

Number two, "Thou shalt not steal."

Good, good, because I'm proud to say

I've never stolen a thing in my life.

True, but when the Commandments were first written,

there were only two crimes, murder and stealing.

And now, what with insider trading,

mail fraud, possession of drugs,

we broaden the term to cover all crimes other than murder.

That's not fair.

If you're gonna change the Commandments,

you should copy us a memo or something.

You know, they talked about starting that next year.

Anyway, now, I'm showing an incident here

involving marijuana.

Oh, I don't remember that.

Of course you don't, 'cause you were zooted.

Let me refresh your memory.

You found a marijuana cigarette in your son's drawer.

Yes, and I told him I didn't approve of drugs.

- So, moving on. - No, no, no, no, no.

Apparently, that's not all you did.

You want a hit?

No.

- Come on, you know you want to. - I don't.

- I say no. - I say no.

I say no.

No, no, I can't--

You take it. Don't you dare say no.

See the harm in one little hit.

The drugs I took seem to light up my brain.

- You're stoned. - Yeah, I'm stoned.

Eddie, Eddie,

Do you ever think about how...

- Beef with broccoli. - Kung Pao Chicken.

Garlic shrimp.

Beef with broccoli. Beef with broccoli.

- Beef with broccoli! - Three beef with broccoli.

- And appetizers, get appetizers. - And egg rolls.

Why not get more?

- Two orders. - Get more.

Four orders.

And extra mustard. Yeah, thanks.

We did it.

Wow, that was fast.

- Who is it? - Hi, Dad, it's me.

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.

Uh, no, no, no.

Come on up.

- Get- get- get the window! - Oh shit!

Get the deodorant!

Where is it?

Got it.

What?

Hi, Dad. Something wrong with the door?

Oh, works just fine.

I thought you were staying at Franklin's.

Oh, I am. It smells funny in here.

- No, I didn't notice anything. - No, no, no.

Yeah, it smells like school.

- What's there? - What's where?

There.

- Oh. - Uh...

Jeremy.

Dad, I'm not gonna yell at you.

I just want you to know,

I am really, really disappointed.

Gimme a break. It's a victimless crime.

Plus, I didn't wanna smoke it. You know, Eddie, he made me.

We'll deal with him when the time comes.

Meanwhile, you're oh-for-two.

Moving on. Oh, this is one of my favorites.

"Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy."

Could we skip this one and just you know,

come back to it later?

No. Now, what we do in this one

is we take a random sample of some of your Sabbaths

just to see how holy you've kept them.

Oh, God.

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Oh!

- Oh God! - Oh God!

Oh! Oh God. Oh God!

Oh yeah!

Oh!

- Yes! - Mmm!

Harder, harder!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I got it.

Oh!

Well, I guess there's no debate about that one.

- I guess not. - Okay, that's it, you fail.

What are you talking about?

There are plenty more Commandments,

like that one against worshipping craven idols.

I know I've never done that.

No, but 70% is passing.

Don't you grade on a curve?

I mean, if I'm here the same day as like, Charles Manson,

my score should be adjusted upwards.

I don't make the rules.

This is simply a middle-management thing.

You of all people should understand that.

Tammy, can you come in here and escort Mr. Tupper

to his next destination, please?

I tried to find a really long corkscrew,

but this was all I could come up with.

Maybe I could suck it out of him.

You know, I just don't get it.

We did a whole show on the Heimlich maneuver

with The Gatlin Brothers, worked perfect every time.

Maybe if you shake him up and down like a can of Coke.

Oh, that won't work. He isn't carbonated!

It's not my fault!

Oh, thank God, you can--

Oh my God! He's dead.

Thank you, Mr. Tupper.

Have a nice afterlife, and stay cool.

Wait, wait, what about all the good things I did?

You know, all the faith, and charity, and all that stuff?

Oh, you told him about the virtues loophole.

- Didn't you? - I didn't say a thing.

I've been sitting at my desk doing the Jumble.

All right, where are the Form 3-V's?

I don't know. Where's my mini fridge?

Have you ever seen a secretary like that in your life?

Yes, yes, I have.

She worked for me for 12 years,

but that didn't stop me from being faithful and charitable

and virtuous toward her.

Well, I'll be the judge of that.

Dana, this resume is very impressive.

Now, I hate to ask you this, but uh...

Do you have any history of mental illness

or personality disorder?

Now, I only ask because my current secretary is a little...

Unstable.

No, no mental problems here.

Terrific, well, Dana, you're hired.

When can you start?

Mr. Tupper, I'm having some reservations.

This is kind of embarrassing.

I find myself very attracted to you, and I'm concerned

that might interfere with our working relationship.

Oh, Dana, I'm flattered,

but we're both mature adults, and I think if we maintain

a strictly professional demeanor,

there shouldn't be a problem.

Jesus.

Toby, where's my coffee?

Toby, have you seen my pencil?

Enough already.

That's what you chose to look at?

I mean, that was a nightmare. And it wasn't even my nightmare.

You know, it was hers.

Well, it says here that you drove her into therapy

for those nightmares.

And I'm trained to believe everything I read.

Forget my secretary, okay? What about my son?

I've always been a loving and responsible father.

You know, at least as good as Abraham.

I mean, I never once tried to sacrifice my son.

Well, let's take a look-see.

Okay, Jeremy, this is your condom,

and this is your banana.

Right, okay, so.

Now, we roll. You see?

You see, it's really a very- very simple process.

I can see why this is such an effective method

of birth control.

Could you get me another banana, please?

We're out of bananas, so I guess we're done.

There's a carrot in the fridge.

Sticky, isn't it?

This is a little disturbing.

Okay, just roll, will you?

Don't-- ah! Ah!

- What? - I'm sorry.

It's just that you always leave a little space at the tip.

- Why? - Well, that's so when you--

So when you--

You know.

There's a place for it to--

- When you ejaculate, okay? - Okay.

You just could've said.

Okay, now, let's suppose you've finished,

and you're...

you're about to remove your... Self.

Okay, but you have to hang on to the condom. Okay?

Because if you don't, you could spill some of the...

Carrot juice?

Exactly. Okay, now give me your hand.

- You be the vagina. - I don't wanna be the vagina!

You be the vagina.

Okay. Very good. Now, uh...

I know it's dangerous, but I'm gonna ask you one more question.

Do you know what to do next?

- What? - Your homework.

- Go, go, get out of here. - Thank God.

You see? You see what I mean?

That's gotta be worth something,

because that required a lot of virtues, I think.

Well, I'm gonna have to discuss this

with my supervisor.

Thank you. Really.

Not that it ever does any good.

But, in the meantime... Pe-- oh!

What are you yelling for?

Could you prepare a badge for Mr. Tupper,

and make it one with a red background?

Oh.

You know, I couldn't help overhearing some of your life,

and I gotta tell you, it was getting me pretty hot.

Uh, thanks, I- I guess.

Listen, you are not exactly my type,

but I haven't had sex in 300 years,

so I guess I can't be picky.

Look, I'm sort of being judged right now.

You know, so this might not exactly work in my favor.

Look, I am your only hope right now.

What do you mean?

Well, maybe if you see things my way,

when I am making your I.D.,

I could accidentally put a white background on it.

It happens.

Get my drift?

Oof!

Mm!

Yeah!

- Oh! - Come on, Martin.

Mm! Come on, Martin.

Come on, Martin.

Come on, Martin! Come on, Martin!

Come on, Martin!

Oh! Oh, you did it!

Come on, come on, get him up. Come on, bud.

Ah! Right this way.

Toby! Toby, you saved my life. How can I ever repay you?

A mini fridge would be a nice thought.

- By the way, have a mint. - Oh, Martin.

You were actually dead there for a few minutes.

- What was it like? - Yeah. Was it cool?

Is there sex?

Actually, it was sort of like here.

And I saw flashbacks of my life, and you were there.

And you, and you, too.

Did I look the same or more angelic?

You were beautiful.

Well, I guess we should get going,

or we'll be late for the award.

Oh, no, no, who cares if we're late?

- I mean, what's the big deal? - What?

I don't care if I win. I'm just happy to be alive.

And from now on, I'm going to live a life of virtue.

Because when it's all over, I mean, that's all that matters.

That's all that matters.

Not some stupid award.

God damn it, the whole thing was fixed.

Just being nominated is an honor.

No, no, being nominated means spending $650 on a new tuxedo

so you look good when you get your teeth kicked in.

How could they give it to Kleinman?

That was my award. It was mine!

Ah, that's a covet.

He edited a goddamn book of maps, what does that take?

Huh? You have to figure out what color to make Bulgaria?

I should kill those fucking judges!

- Martin, just calm down. - Just think about it.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, we'll be seeing him again.

Never mind him. What about the Black guy?

Get back to work.

- Calm down. - Fine. I'm fine!

It was Butterman, he did not want me to get an award.

Because I did the work, you know?