Original subtitles

I've got untapped reserves. I'm rich.

Oh, bill.

Bill?

- Bill? - Bill.

- Bill? - Yes, bill.

I'm proud of that boy.

Martin, I've seen his report card.

They send one to my house too.

Then stop screwing your shoes. Jude, we have to do something.

Jeremy is a junior in high school.

You know, he's playing for keeps now.

Well, look, I'm as concerned as you are.

His SATs are coming up and bad SATs mean bad college.

Bad college means he's going to spend the rest of his life

saying, "Please keep your arms inside the log

and enjoy Splash Mountain."

Martin, you're starting to blink funny.

Why don't you just sit down and try to relax?

I don't get it. I don't get it. He's always done fine in math.

You know, why-- why a 71 all of a sudden?

Well, I don't know.

Okay. Okay. I'll take a later flight.

Okay. Okay. What time should we all meet?

Don't worry about it. I'll let you know how it goes.

What an insult.

What?

Yes, Fred Covel's room, - please.

Oh, just tell him it's Judith.

You think I can't handle it. Is that what you're saying?

No, that's not it, it's just that, you know,

I saw a lot of this in my practice,

so why don't you just let me take care of it?

What kind of a fool do you take me for?

No, no, no. You go talk with Fred.

I'll take care of it.

You know, I may not have a PhD in psychology,

but I think I know how to talk to my own son.

You and I are going to have a little chat.

So, uh, how's things?

- Things? - Yeah, you know, things.

Friends, basketball, math.

You saw my report card.

They go to all the trouble to send it over.

I thought the least I could do is take a peek.

But, Jeremy, is something bothering you?

Is there anything you want to talk about?

- No. - Is it your teacher?

Is she mumbling? Maybe you can't see the board.

There is no shame in wearing glasses.

Dad, I just suck at math. That's all.

No, you don't. You've always done fine before.

That's because Richard used to help me.

Gosh, how I hate that man.

Okay, let's just dive right in, shall we?

What have you got? Two trains traveling in opposite directions,

a girl twice as old as her sister, what?

- What is it? - Not exactly.

"Given a function, y equals the natural logarithm of x

rotated around the x-axis shows the result in solid

has finite volume, yet an infinite surface area."

Uh-huh.

There are a number of ways to approach this problem.

I haven't the faintest idea.

But, uh, I don't want to confuse you

in case your teacher does it differently than I do.

What do I need pre-calculus for anyway?

When am I ever going to use it?

When the moon is last quarter,

silver is the blossoms of the almond tree.

That's Tuesday night about nine.

Jeremy, that's not the point.

School isn't about learning, it's about getting good grades,

so people think you're smart, so they'll give you a good job.

Dad, you're not helping. That's what you're trying to do.

Look, I'll tell you what. I'll get you a tutor.

You mean more school after school?

I don't think so.

Look, I'm willing to spend, like, 50 bucks a week, okay?

If you find someone less expensive,

then you can keep the difference.

I'll check the guidance office.

Toby? Hey.

Where are you going?

Not that it's any of your business,

but Mrs. Kwan's nail depot

is having a buy-nine-get-one free sale.

No, no, no, no, not tonight.

We got the quarterly updates and the Dorfman galleys.

We're going to be here a while, so come on.

Well, excuse me.

I'm looking for the father of the boy with the third-highest

pre-calculus midterm score.

What's his name? I'll page him.

Jeremy, this is great.

I'm so proud of you.

It's not me. It's my tutor, Miss Copeland.

She's great.

I finally know how to use integrals

to calculate the area underneath an exponential function.

Right, but the important thing is you got a good grade.

I thought we could go celebrate it if you're not too busy.

Are you kidding? That's perfect.

Toby, take the rest of the night off.

See, Jeremy, it's just like that old saying,

"The harder you work at school, the earlier I get to go home."

I'll just call Phonique and make a reservation.

Oh, great!

Jeremy, you can double-check the bill.

If simple addition isn't beneath you now.

Dad, just for once, could we skip the dork moment?

I'm proud of that boy.

- Hey! - Dad!

Dad, um.

Uh, what are you doing here?

Well, my plans fell through

and I bought some food

and my cupboards are here.

Uh, Dad, listen, I--

No, no, Jeremy, it's okay.

I mean, I was young once too.

Uh, hi, I'm Jeremy's dad.

Hi, I'm Christine Copeland.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Tupper.

Ah, she's cute, ain't you, girl?

Can I get your kids some cookies or something?

I have some vanilla wafers and fat-free Fig Bars.

Not that either of you two need fat-free.

Actually, Christine was just going.

Yeah, it's getting kind of late.

Well, it is a school night.

Bye, Christine. Hope to see you again soon.

- Bye, Mr. Tupper. I'll call you. - All right.

Well, she certainly seems like a nice girl.

- Does she go to your school? - Um, yeah.

Hey, you better grab her. She left her book.

- Then I'll give it to her tomorrow. - Jeremy.

This is a teacher's edition. Where did you get this?

- I don't know. - C. Copeland.

Christine Copeland. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I think I know what's going on here.

You're dating your tutor's daughter, aren't you?

Yeah, that's it. I'm busted.

Hey, Dad, how about those vanilla wafers?

Wait a minute.

I'm just beginning to put two and two together.

- You're dating your teacher? - No, of course not.

She's a student teacher.

She won't be a regular teacher until September.

Jeremy, you cannot date a teacher.

Well, first I didn't think so either,

but after a couple of tutoring sessions,

I asked her out and...

- How old is she? - 24.

You can't go out with a 24-year-old.

Why not? She's nice. She has a good career.

It's just not done.

I mean, look at you. You're a boy.

You know, it defies the laws of nature.

Dad, she's a teacher, not a farm animal.

Your move, Inspector.

Well, she'll be a bad influence on you.

Oh. By raising my math scores from an 89 to 100?

That's a neat trap you've gotten me into.

Look, I do not want you seeing her,

so get a new tutor, and that's all there is to it.

I want to see her. So how are you going to stop me?

How long can I sto-- By grounding you.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh, you don't? You don't? Why is that?

Well, first of all, my math scores will drop.

And secondly, I'll just see her behind your back anyway.

Checkmate. Put it in the book.

Why his teacher? There are plenty of 15-year-olds he could be sleeping with.

Man, you are such a hypocrite.

I mean, who spent all of 11th grade trying to bag Miss Kaufmann?

Yeah, but I didn't, did I?

No, but you were so close.

"Gosh.

Miss Kaufmann, your hair

smells like fresh baked bread."

You've been very helpful. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Look, man, if you want to solve this problem...

there's only one thing to do.

- What? - Let Judith handle it.

She's much better at these things than you are.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Nothing, nothing, it's just that you have

a slight tendency to overreact

and totally fuck things up, that's all.

When have I ever done that? Just give me one example.

What about the time that Jeremy came home with that little tattoo

and you grounded him for what, like a month?

Remember what he did?

Maybe I wasn't firm enough.

I should have grounded him for a year.

Like your dad did when he caught us

drinking that vodka Kool-Aid in the fallout shelter.

And what did we do the next night?

What's your point anyway?

It's just that maybe it's time for a different approach

before you end up driving Jeremy

into the arms of the Gabor sisters.

It's understandable that you don't trust me.

Hey, Sport.

You, um-- you going out?

No, I'm coming in and doing everything in reverse.

I shall reason with him.

Look, about our little discussion the other night,

I just wanted to say--

- Something else annoying? - Could you let me finish, please?

Look, Jeremy, you're 16 and a half

and old enough to know right from wrong.

- I am? - Yes, and even though

I don't approve of you going out with Christina,

I think you're old enough to make your own decisions.

You know, and to learn from your own mistakes.

Cool. Thanks, Dad.

Okay, okay, so

you and I understand each other, huh?

Huh.

Don't stay out too late.

And, of course, at your age, you know what too late is.

Everything is under control here.

Have you gone completely insane?

You knew he was dating his teacher and you didn't tell me?

Student teacher, okay? And I'm sorry.

I didn't know I had to run to you every time Jeremy makes a move.

Besides, I'm handling the situation.

Oh, handling it, huh?

Do you know what this is? Do you?

- No. - It's some sort of key holding goose from Bucks County

where Jeremy and his teacher spent yesterday

looking at foliage.

Do you know what that means?

That it's autumn?

It means the situation is not being handled.

Aren't you overreacting just a little bit?

Hi. I'm Christine.

Ah, Ms. Copeland. Do come in.

Could I offer you something? A mixed drink, perhaps?

No. Thanks. I'm fine.

Hi, Mr. Tupper.

Christine. What a surprise.

Listen,

I understand that you're both uncomfortable

with Jeremy going out with someone who works at his school.

So we talked it over and you're right.

It is inappropriate.

Am I a genius?

I think that's very mature of you and Jeremy.

Yes, well,

that's why I've decided to transfer to another school.

There's nothing in this head. No brains. No brains.

But that's a city job.

You don't want to mess with that.

I mean, we're talking tenure and pensions.

No, no. It's no problem at all. I just did it over the phone.

Ms. Copeland, could I ask you a question?

What the hell are you doing with my son?

Listen, I know it's a little unusual

and I don't make it a habit to date teenagers,

but Jeremy's terrific.

He's much more mature than the guys I've gone out with.

Oh, and they would be what? Eleven?

Christine, I know plenty of terrific, mature men.

In fact, you know Eddie Charles, the TV star?

He loves women your age.

Hey, Dad. Hey, babe. We gotta go.

I called two brokers and made appointments.

Uh, is that the real estate section?

Yeah, Christine and I are looking into our own place.

The roommate's kind of a tight ass about overnight guests.

See you.

I wouldn't consider her one of your greatest admirers.

Jude, where are you going?

Jude, Jude, Jude,

if you go after him now, you're going to ruin everything.

Like what? The June wedding? The baby shower?

Look, Jeremy is doing exactly what I expected him to do,

and I know exactly what to do next.

Please, just fill me in.

Well, let me explain it to you.

I haven't the slightest idea.

Remember when Jeremy wouldn't clean up his room?

So we decided to let it get so dirty

that eventually he cleaned it up himself?

No, eventually the maid came in and she cleaned it up.

Right, right, and because of that maid,

we're in this situation right now.

What are you talking about?

Look, all I'm saying

is that if Jeremy wants to act like an adult,

let's let him see what it's like to be an adult.

Believe me, he'll come around.

Trust me, if it doesn't work out my way,

I'll let you have the wheel, hmm?

There we go.

Ah, they grow up fast, don't they, Tupper?

Mm-hmm.

I remember when he was a brand new dependent

on your credit update form.

Yes, where does the time go?

Anyway, speaking of time, what's the rent?

$975.

But it's well worth it.

It's a garden-level...

...and the neighborhood

is on the way back.

.

You're right near the subway.

Maybe I better pour it out a little more.

Jeremy, it sounds like a pretty good deal.

Of course, that doesn't include security deposit and utilities.

All minor expenses outlined here

on this handy lieutenant budget form.

Those are just rough estimates. Your mileage may differ.

Heat, electric, telephone, cable,

all totaled that comes to, uh--

Jeremy, you're the math expert. You add it up.

- $1350 a month. - Ooh.

Big number, but let's see if it's doable.

Christine, how much do you take home a week?

- $308. - Add Jeremy's allowance to that.

That brings it up to $328.

Geez, uh, you know, cut back

on long distance phone calls and movies.

Eating out, and we're still short

$170.

Mr. Bader, don't you have anything cheaper?

I don't think so.

Uh, well, how stuck are you on having your own bathroom?

Uh, you know, maybe you should try New Jersey.

I mean, sure, it's an hour and a half commute across the bridge, but still.

You know, you're closer to-- to Delaware.

I guess we should think this over.

Brilliant turn, sire, brilliant.

For years, Judith has held her psychology degree over my head.

But look what I've done.

I've changed the balance of power forever.

I think I got your sandwich.

The clincher was when I mentioned New Jersey.

You know, you could see the hope just drain from their faces.

New Jersey's not that bad. It's so much cheaper.

I believe that's their state motto.

Well, it's like they say,

you catch a lot more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Why would you want to catch flies?

They're disgusting.

Even if you did want to catch flies,

I bet you'd catch a lot more with a week-old cat food

that's fallen behind the radiator.

Right. Right.

But the point is, my plan worked

jeremy and Christine are probably breaking up, even as we speak.

It's not that I'm gloating. You know, all I'm saying is...

I told you so.

- ...I'm glad it all worked out. - Mm-hmm.

Dad, hi.

What the hell is going on here, huh?

This is Jeremy.

This is what your mother and I

sent you to Vassar for?

You know, the thing is, you don't have to be a bad guy.

Uh-uh, just keep talking. I'll be in the kitchen.

Because let me tell you something, never,

never in the history of parenting

has an ultimatum ever worked.

Christine,

either you break up with this kid right now,

or that trust fund that you're supposed to get on your 25th birthday

is going to that African village your mother adopted.

Hmm?

Jeremy, can we talk for a minute?

There can't be a rebellion

unless there's something to rebel against, right?

If that's Jeremy and he's forgotten his keys again,

just let me take care of it.

I'm looking for Martin Tupper. His kid said he might be here.

- And you are? - Christine's father.

Mr. Copeland, it's nice to meet you.

- Are you crazy? - Me?

What kind of an asshole

lets a 16-year-old kid move in with my daughter?

- They're living together? - Not anymore.

You people may not give a shit about what your kid does,

but I love my daughter.

I think you should leave now.

Gladly, oh, by the way, since it was your bright idea...

you pay the rent until the landlord can get a new tenant.

Idiot.

This is terrible.

It can't happen. It mustn't happen.

- Are you all right? - Fine. Fine, I'm fine.

Well, why don't I just go and get some ice

and you make yourself comfortable,

and we'll have a nice little chat

about parenting for three or four hours.

You mean slob.

You forgot to carry the 2.

Oh, just thanks.

Uh, listen, Dad.

I never got a chance to thank you for the Christine thing.

I mean, her dad was a real dick, and...

you were totally cool.

Don't mention it. Really.

Anyway, Bobby and I are getting fake IDs

and hitchhiking our way down to Atlantic City.

- Can I have 300 bucks? - I know what to do.

Jeremy, why don't you wait here a minute,

and I'll, uh-- I'll be right back.

Uh, hi, Jude, it's me.

Do you think you could come over to talk to Jeremy?

No, no, no, I think right now would be better.

Uh-huh. Thank you.

The guards looked down and laughed.

This would be a better world for children

if the parents had to eat the spinach.