Original subtitles

Uh, Toby,

could you give me the Zimmerman file?

Thank you.

What the hell is this?

You want something, you gotta give something.

Catch my drift?

I'll give you a tip.

I'll part your hair with a wagon tongue.

I am not going to tip you.

Have it your way.

Does this look like Kenny Rogers neck?

- Just tell me when Phoebe Croft gets here, will ya? - Sure.

It'd be pretty embarrassing to be late for a meeting with an etiquette expert, wouldn't it?

Yes, as a matter of fact, it would.

You better get in there. She's been waiting a half hour.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

Phoebe.

I'm very, very sorry I'm late.

Proper etiquette requires a written note of apology.

But, um, since you're a friend, I'll just let you pay for my parking.

You're built well. Got a pretty face. Nice manners.

Quite the gentlemen.

After editing seven of your books,

I think I've learned a thing or two.

Oh, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it!

That's what it says in the latest etiquette books.

Excuse me.

What I meant to say was, "fuck it, ma'am."

Actually, it's only proper to use "ma'am"

when addressing a married woman.

- What happened? - Ted and I got divorced last month.

Oh, I'm very, very sorry.

- We should celebrate. - What?

The book. The book.

I certainly don't mean we should celebrate you getting a divorce.

I mean, not of course unless you want to.

Or, you know, Arbor Day is coming up.

My favorite holiday.

It was my first White House function.

I spent two days coaching President Reagan

on utensil progression.

I mean, how difficult is the concept of "outside in"?

Remember, the salad fork will be on the outside.

A two-year-old could figure it out.

Anyway, Reagan stands up to toast the French delegation.

And in plain sight, he--

What's the polite phraseology?

He readjusts

the presidential package.

Now I know where Bonzo gets his bad habits.

That's when I said, "Why am I killing myself?"

And I started writing books.

At least Reagan did something right.

I mean, thanks to him, I get to work with you.

There's some kind of utensil for this, isn't there?

Some kind of a tong, bread-tearing device.

Oh, no, no.

I was just noticing

how incredibly long your eyelashes are.

- She loves me. - So are yours.

You know, I'm curious.

What does the etiquette expert say

about professional relationships turning into social ones?

It's generally considered inappropriate.

She loves me not.

But, as with all rules of etiquette,

there are exceptions.

For instance, even during the most formal meals,

it's sometimes appropriate to use one's hands,

like for tearing bread.

Well, I knew that.

Or cracking a lobster claw.

Or eating an artichoke.

- What are you doing? - I'm buttering my hand.

Well, I'm no expert, but I would have thought that was inappropriate.

It is.

Unless you're doing this.

- Oh! - You pressed my button.

I've wanted you for years, Martin.

Ever since we've worked on When Nice People Do Nice Things.

- Oh. - Is everything satisfactory?

Oh, God, yes.

This salad's so good.

You like it, don't you?

I love it.

I mean, the dressing. Mm!

Just the house vinaigrette. I could get you the recipe.

Oh, God, yes. Do that, please.

Can I get you some more wine?

You know what would be lovely?

A nice Bordeaux, maybe '85, '86.

Is that all right with you, Martin?

Oh, perfect.

Very good, sir. Your entrees will be coming shortly.

Oh, great.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

That was nothing.

And now we have a complete surprise for you.

Love In Bloom in A-flat.

♪ Can it be the trees ♪

♪ That fill the breeze ♪

♪ With rare and magic perfume ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ It is not the trees ♪

♪ It's love in bloom ♪

♪ Can it be the spring ♪

♪ That seems to bring The stars ♪

♪ Right into my room ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ It isn't the trees ♪

♪ It's love in bloom ♪

♪ Is it a dream ♪

♪ The joy supreme ♪

♪ That came to us in the gloom ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ It is not a dream ♪

♪ It's love in bloom ♪

Huh.

I had no idea it was impolite to sneeze at a funeral.

Actually, I made that one up.

After 10 years of this, you start to run out of material.

Could you excuse me if you just, uh--

Toby, I asked for coffee 20 minutes ago.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

I'm busy updating Carter's roller decks.

You work for me, not for Carter.

Carter's a better tipper, Tupper.

So, are we on for tonight?

Absolutely. I have a little surprise.

You know, I thought we'd try

something a little different.

So beautiful. So romantic. So different.

Yoo-hoo!

- She's dead. - Is something wrong?

I'm sorry. This isn't working for me.

I don't get it. I mean, what's the problem?

Can't you make love in a bed?

We can do it in a bed.

There's a mattress sale at Macy's.

You're missing my point. I mean, can't we do it in this bed?

Without plugging anything in or tying anything down, you know,

just us, tenderly and romantically.

- Boringly? - Exactly in the best possible sense of the word.

Martin, I spent 12 years doing it boringly.

Sex was Saturday night in bed, lights out,

missionary position, ten minutes, no orgasm.

It was like sleeping with Ozzie Nelson.

Oh, yes. Ozzie Nelson.

I'll give you 20 minutes, and then I'll throw in the orgasm.

Oh, all right then.

There has to be some middle ground here.

We can do it in a bed.

We can have the candles and the music.

Yeah.

And you can wear a diaper.

- What? - It's always been a fantasy of mine.

You put it on.

No, no.

I'm not going to wear a diaper.

Okay.

How do you feel about heights?

Hey, you can see Shea Stadium from here.

Great. Now put on the condom.

I just don't see the problem.

It's just sex for sex's sake.

There's no emotional investment or intimacy at all.

You know, I see your lips moving,

and I hear a sound, but it's just gibberish.

Martin, you have some messages.

- You have change for five? - You got to be kidding.

What I'm trying to say is that I--

I like her.

You know, a lot. I really do.

But I feel like another prop.

All we do is this kinky stuff.

You know, we never just make love.

Pussy.

Excuse me?

Martin, you're living in a Penthouse Forum letter.

I mean, students in small Midwestern colleges

across the country are dying with envy.

So stop complaining.

Sex can never be too kinky.

She wants me to wear a diaper.

Get out. Just walk away.

- I thought you-- - Walk the fuck away.

Run if you have to. Don't look back.

- Oh, man. - But--

Just walk away.

A diaper. Oh!

Oh!

Just give this dame a brush. The one with the hard bristles.

Phoebe. You're not Phoebe.

Quick. I need a word that rhymes with violin.

- Wait. - Gunga Din.

- Pockmark skin. - Next of kin.

- Come on, come on. - Martin.

Martin, my name is Martin.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just had to get this done.

- I'm Eve. - Martin.

Phoebe will be back in a minute.

Yeah. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just finishing up a poem.

- I'm a poet. - Oh!

Or a poetess. Or poet.

- Whatever. - Professionally?

That's kind of a tough way to make a living.

Well, it's not really about making a living.

It's about using words to express feelings that go beyond words.

It's about one soul calling out to another.

Without poetry, what happens to romance?

But to answer your question, no, you can't make a living at it.

Which is why Phoebe had to lend me her computer

and several thousand dollars.

And this sweater.

Well, actually, that's, uh, that's my sweater.

You're precisely my type.

I say you two have met.

Hello.

Don't mind me.

I'm just going to be on the fire escape

thinking of a moon metaphor.

Nice meeting you. Phoebe.

I have a little surprise for you.

Actually, that's, uh,

that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Phoebe.

Phoebe, I like you. A lot.

You know, you know I do,

it's just that sexually we have a-- a--

a bit of a problem.

It's really bothering you, isn't it?

The problem isn't you. It's me.

You know, I'm just not in your league.

Oh, God. Talk about bad manners.

I have been so selfish.

But we can take it down a notch

if that would make you more comfortable.

I don't think one notch is gonna do it.

I understand.

- I'll ask Eve to go home. - Huh?

I-- I was going to ask her to join us in a threesome,

but don't worry, I'll take care of it.

We can always take it down a notch starting tomorrow.

I-- I don't understand.

I'd feel horrible if Eve came all the way down here for nothing.

Oh, no. She came to use the computer.

- Even so. - Martin, I don't want you to feel pressured.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's...

My dream come true.

...no pressure at all. Plus, if you ask her to leave now,

it'd hurt her feelings, and we-- we don't want to do that.

All right. I'll go run it by her.

Hey, bud, where's your partner?

I'm sure there's some rule of etiquette that covers this,

but the-- the expert is asleep.

I don't know, I, uh, I felt like I wanted to write something,

I just, um, don't know what.

It's kind of weird, wasn't it?

Yeah, I didn't think it was something I would ever do.

First time for me, you know. Let me tell you.

You know, Phoebe just has this power.

One minute, you're in the middle of a light-hearted conversation,

and the next thing you know, your tongue is in her mouth.

I-- I-- I know what you mean.

Sort of.

But, um...

I'm really glad I met you.

She loves me!

You know, I'd really like to look at some of your-- your poetry.

I don't mean look at it, but I mean, read it or--

I mean, you know, just have it around or something.

I-- I'm babbling right now, you know.

I'm in love with you.

What is going on here?

Oh, well-- well we were, uh,

uh, kissing.

- Eve, I think you should go. - I was just about to do that.

It's nice meeting you.

Oh, it was a pleasure. Um, yeah.

I can't believe you. How could you kiss her?

No, no.

She kissed me.

Well, two hours ago, everyone was--

was kissing everyone.

Oh, please. This is completely different.

This was behind my back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

but there is a very fine distinction.

This is a total betrayal.

Get out.

Phoebe, I--

Look, I know this is very awkward, you know, but I--

I never want to see you again.

I think we should talk about this.

And I intended to be such a gentleman.

Toby, could you try Phoebe Croft again?

Why? She's right here.

Phoebe.

- Here you go, etiquette expert. - Thank you, Toby.

Phoebe, I'm very, very sorry about the other day.

You know, I-- I never meant to hurt you.

I accept your apology.

I should have known better than to mix business with pleasure.

And seeing that we're more compatible professionally

than sexually...

I'm banking on this book.

Thank you, thank you, Phoebe,

and I hope we can still be good-- good friends.

I think we've known each other long enough

to put this all behind us.

All's well that ends well.

Please.

You know, when Eve left your house the other day,

she had my sweater on.

You know, and I-- I'd kind of like it back.

You know, so, um...

do you have her number?

You son of a bitch.

Are you uncomfortable with that?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Finding a new editor who isn't a son of a bitch.

No, wait, wait, wait. This isn't about Eve.

It's about a sweater. You know, it has a lot of sentimental value.

You know, my-- my son made it for me.

- Oh, please. - All right.

All right. This has nothing to do with a sweater.

Phoebe, it didn't work out for us.

Okay? Okay?

But with Eve, you know,

I felt this connection, you know?

It was like-- like...

The early morning sunlight

hitting the gray tin of the rain spout in front of her house.

The ringing of a telephone

that sounds like Beethoven's "Pastoral."

A letter scribbled on her office station

that you carry around in your pocket

because it smells like all the lilacs in Ohio.

You know what I mean?

Look, it was-- it was very, very special,

and I hate to ask you this,

but anything you can do, you know?

I mean, just her last name.

It's that important to you?

Yes.

Okay.

- But I want something in return. - Name it.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Martin, hi! - Hi.

- Hi! - Hi!

Well, come in.

Oh, I never thought I'd see you again. How did you find me?

Phoebe gave me your address.

I was just on my way down to the 92nd Street Y.

They're having a poetry festival there,

and I thought maybe you'd like to join me.

Actually, I was just on my way to bed.

Would you get to join me?

Now, would I do a thing like that?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I guess I would.

The festival does run through Tuesday, and this is limerick night.

Eve? Eve?

We need you back in here, Ted's losing his hard-on,

and nothing I'm doing is working.

Okay, just a second.

The-- What the hell's going on here?

Oh, Peter, Ted and I are just getting started,

so your timing's perfect, if you're up for it.

Wait, wait, wait.

I thought you weren't into the-- the threesomes.

First of all, this would be a foursome,

and second of all, what made you think that?

I always have threesomes.

The other night with Phoebe,

you were practically in tears.

Oh, because I never had sex with another woman before.

- That was totally creepy for me. - What, and this isn't creepy?

Martin, this is what I like. What could be more natural than having sex with two men?

I don't know. Having sex with a chicken?

- Martin. - What's wrong with you?

I mean, I thought we had something between us.

Oh, would you feel more comfortable

if I asked Ted to leave?

He's tired anyway.

I think I'm just gonna run down to the limerick thing,

and if I hurry, maybe I can make the "man from Nantucket" series.

There is no such thing as magic.

You sit there feeling sorry for yourself.

Yes, you are. Sorry for yourself.

Stay tuned for another hilarious episode

of Three's a Company coming up next.

Tonight on Cinemax, a trio of ménage à trois.

At 9:00, Steven Baldwin and Lara Flynn Boyle in Threesome.

Then at 11:00, François Truffaut's classic Jules and Jims.

And at 1:30, Summer--

Tidy-Dry diapers come with this patented

snug-fit stay dry lining that helps keep wetness in it.

Oh, the things a guy will do for a dame.

Cute names.