Original subtitles

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

The Idaho Special has gained steadily on the Thunderbird.

The big question is, can he keep it up?

- Martin? - Oh!

This isn't working.

Well, we could try the couch, but we better hurry.

No, I mean, we're not working.

I think we should stop seeing each other.

You're breaking up with me... now?

Well, I just couldn't seem to find the right time to tell you.

And this is the time you picked?

I- I can't believe this.

I just think that we're looking for two very different things.

I mean, I want commitment,

I want someone to spend the rest of my life with.

And plus, I'm married.

You're married?

How could you not tell me that?

Well, I was waiting for the right time.

Aw, man, that's cold.

When I dump a woman, at least I have the courtesy

to wait until after we're finished.

Or at least I'm finished.

Yeah.

You know, you think you know someone, and it's--

Oh man, fuck her, you know?

You deserve better.

So what do you say we have three or four more beers,

eat a couple more hundred chicken wings,

and then go throw some eggs at her house?

Thanks, Eddie.

You know, women come and go, but you,

you've always been here for me.

Forget about it.

Oh, guess what? I'm moving to LA.

- What? - Two cold ones, please.

Yeah, I got this great part in this sitcom pilot.

When did this happen?

Well, I auditioned last week, and they called me this morning.

I didn't wanna say anything because I didn't wanna jinx it.

- Wow. - Mm-hmm.

Wow, that's...

Wow.

Eddie, is this definite, because...

I want you here waiting for me.

...it's a pilot, right?

Don't they have to show it to people?

You know, hook 'em up to machines, and see how much they sweat?

No, man. We're on the fall schedule.

We start rehearsals next week, and I leave Friday.

Eddie... Eddie, I...

Are you absolutely sure you wanna do this?

I mean, your whole life is here.

- You know, think about... - Martin!

...your family and your apartment.

For God's sakes, you just bleached the floors in there.

And the Home Sweet Home show.

That's the best show on television.

Oh, man, I quit. It was all bullshit.

This is a chance for me to do something real.

You know, I play this single father who adopts this white child,

and the natural father sues for joint custody,

and we end up all living on this houseboat.

It's called Salt and Papa.

That sounds very...

clever.

And I-- I'm happy for you.

You know, really. I'm really, really happy for you.

I'll kill myself the first chance I get!

I won't live! I won't live!

Hey, come on in, come on in.

Yeah, I can only stay a minute. The limo's downstairs.

I just wanted to come by and bring you something before I left.

Aw, come on.

Come on, what are you-- this wasn't necessary.

What is...

- A strobe light. - It's your wedding present.

I found it when I was packing.

- I guess I never got around to giving it to you. - Well, thanks.

I was thinking about doing some mushrooms later,

so this is perfect.

Well, I guess I'll see you in--

400 years.

...whenever.

Oh, come on, bud. I'll see you all the time.

You know, you'll come to visit,

I'll be back and forth.

It's gonna take more than 3,000 miles to split us up.

You know?

Do you think you can make opening day?

I mean, look, I've already got the tickets.

Hey, have we ever missed Mets opening day?

- No. - No, no.

Although in '86, you did spend the entire game

with that Aer Lingus stewardess you met on the beer line.

Yeah, and the Mets won the World Series!

- That's right! - Right.

Well, I'll see you at the game.

I'd better go.

Yeah.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Knock 'em dead out there, huh?

Thanks, bud. I'll miss you.

- Move your thumb. - Sorry.

Do you mind? It's a letter from Eddie.

"Everyone here has pubic hair except for me."

He wrote it from camp when he was 14, okay?

Hi.

What's going on?

Well, I'm trying to do my job,

and Martin's blubbering down memory lane.

A-- anyway,

I just dropped off the baby at his fencing lesson,

and I just thought I'd stop by and see how you're feeling.

Well, I'm--

A heartbroken man, a lonely man.

I'm fine. Fine, I'm fine.

Why wouldn't I be fine?

Listen, I was just talking to my friend Conrad.

He lives in my building, and he's always interested in meeting new people,

so I thought maybe the two of you could get together

for a stein of beer or whatever it is you boys do.

Jude, are you trying to fix me up?

No, no, it's just that...

Well, I remember how I felt in fifth grade

when Posey Winslet's father was transferred to The Hague.

God, I mean, I must've moped around for months.

I am not moping.

I've just been busy around the house, doing some...

...grouting and rewiring, you know.

Uh-huh. Here's Conrad's number. Call him.

Jude, if I felt like going out,

I have plenty of friends to call.

Right. Bye.

There are a lot of other fish in the sea,

and I'm going out and cast some bait.

Hey, Fred, where you headed?

- I'm going uptown. - Oh, me too.

- You want to grab some dinner? - Actually, I've got plans.

But maybe you can come along if you're free.

Okay. What are you doing?

I think my wife is playing around

with my cousin, so here's my plan.

I've rented a car, we park it across the street.

When my cousin shows up,

we give him long enough to get his pants off.

Then I storm the front door, you cover the back,

But be careful, he's a cop.

Did I say uptown?

It isn't easy to make friends at my age.

This is great, buddy.

I love baseball, especially exhibition baseball.

- Yeah. - And I am a huge Red Sox fan.

Huge, live and die by the Sox.

I hate the Red Sox.

So do I. They're terrible.

When was the last time they won anything?

19-- whatever?

So, who do you like?

Well, I'm a...

- Met fan. - So am I, they're great.

Not like the Red Sox, P U! They suck.

Do you, uh, you want a beer?

I don't know. You gonna have one?

I haven't been richly blessed with friends.

- Conrad? - Martin? Hey!

- How'd you know it was me? - I didn't.

I've just been standing around saying "Conrad" for the last ten minutes.

No, no, no.

Why don't you pull up a chair?

Actually, uh... do you think we could go someplace

where the jigaboo factor isn't quite so high?

Get me out of here!

I think I'm looking for a different Conrad.

Eddie? Is that you, Eddie?

Hey, bud. Oh man, I'm sorry I missed you.

I've been incredibly busy, but I'm having a great time.

You wouldn't believe this house I rented, man.

It's got this incredible view, and guess who lives next door?

- Who? - MacGyver!

Oh, you got to come visit, man. You'll love it.

Hey, I'll talk to you soon.

As far as I'm concerned, California, here I come.

Hey, Martin. What are you doing here?

Well, it's a long weekend, and you know,

I had a frequent flier ticket, so here I am.

Hey, this is great. This is great.

Look, chicken wings from Hallahan's.

Just like you like it-- extra spicy.

So come on, let's warm 'em up and get some beer, huh?

Oh, hey, how you doin'?

Oh... hi.

I'm sorry. Did I come at a bad time?

Yeah, Martin, this is Chad Spencer, my co-star.

Chad, this is Martin Tupper.

I'm sorry, I only brought enough chicken wings for two people.

Oh, no, man, I can't eat that poison.

I'm watching my weight.

They changed my character

from a high school principal to an aerobics instructor.

- You know. - Yeah... great.

So, how is the show going?

Oh, man, fantastic.

I mean, the cast is really starting to gel,

and we've been giving the material

more of an edge, you know?

Yeah, it's less like My Two Dads and more like The Defiant Ones,

only without the handcuffs.

- Although, that could be an episode. - Yes!

Great. Well, look, I rented a convertible.

You wanna show me the sights?

Any good earthquake damage around?

You know what, man?

We have to head to rehearsal.

Hey, maybe I'll come over and join you.

Oh, that sounds very interesting, Eddie.

- I'd love to see that. - You can't.

The producers, they're kind of keeping everything hush hush, top secret.

Come on. What are you making, the hydrogen bomb?

I mean, come on, it's just a sitcom.

Look, first of all, it's not a sitcom.

It's a half-hour comedy. Second of all, don't say bomb.

Don't even think bomb.

- Bomb! - Bomb.

It won't even enter my mind.

- Come on, Eddie, let's rock. - I'll be right there, bud.

Bud, that's my name.

- Uh, you... - No, that's okay.

- You better "rock." - Look, man, I'm sorry.

I just wasn't expecting you, and we really have to do this.

Eddie, if you love me, get rid of him.

I'll tell you what. Tomorrow, you and I'll hang.

Just the two of us.

Great guy, Eddie. Me and him.

♪ Oh, me, oh, my ♪

♪ Why do they pass me by ♪

♪ I'm the loneliest one In town ♪

♪ Oh, gosh, oh, gee ♪

♪ It always seems to me ♪

♪ I've been gettin' The runaround ♪

Hey, bud, you having a good time?

Yeah, the kind of good time you can only have

in a room full of 500 strangers.

You gotta mingle. Come here, come on.

Hey, everyone, this is my friend, Martin.

Martin, this is my agent.

And you already know Chad, my manager, another agent,

my personal trainer, my car detail guy, my lawn guy,

and this is my pool guy.

Wow, so if some grass falls in the pool,

which of you handles that?

You a comedy writer?

- No. - Good.

Your cheap sarcasm is small, and ugly.

You know, I read the script, and I am the social worker.

- Oh. - Oops!

What a klutz.

You'd never know I took six years of movement classes.

Why don't you show me your... résumé?

Michelle, come talk to Martin. He's an editor.

- Really? Film or tape? - Books.

Books. I edit books.

You know, books. Covers, pages on the inside.

Jaws was one before it was a movie.

Look! There's the casting director from Baywatch.

- Hi! - Hi, babe.

Listen, man, a word to the wise.

People here are visually oriented,

so don't use the "B" word.

Oh, I see, now I can't say books or bomb.

How about banana, hmm? Is banana okay?

Banana. Yeah, perfect.

Hey!

I feel like a kid must feel when somebody he loves

slaps him in the face.

I see Salt and Papa as sort of a way station,

because frankly, I'm burned out on sitcoms.

Fortunately, my production company is developing

a new series for me.

Sort of a Rain Man Tom Sawyer in outer space.

It's a delicious part.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure that's tasty.

Can you excuse me for just a minute?

Eddie, do you think we could spend at least

five seconds together?

I did fly 3,000 miles just to see you.

Yeah, sure, bud. Here, let's talk.

Great.

Uh...

- Nice house. - Yeah.

Did I tell you who lives next door?

MacGyver, yeah, you mentioned that.

So, what's been going on with you?

Nothing. Nothing.

I mean, you know, the usual, working, and I mean,

Judith is Judith, and Toby's Toby, and...

Hey, you ready for opening day?

I hear Tom Seaver's pitching batting practice.

Oh, man, I forgot to tell you, I can't make it.

Yeah, I have to go to this barbecue.

What?

We've been to every opening day for 26 years.

I mean, come on, how could you miss it for a barbecue?

Well, it's not just a barbecue, it's a fundraiser.

Or something or other.

Anyway, it's at Queen Latifah's house.

Oh.

Oh, I see. Well, there you go.

I mean, after all, she's royalty,

and I'm just, what? Your best friend.

- Martin. - Yeah?

Ah, here.

Before I forget, I should give you this ticket.

Catch you later.

I want to go home, please.

- No, go ahead. - Nah, take it, it's yours.

Hey, I'll wait for the next batch to come out.

I'd put up more of a fight, but this is my third time through the line.

Mine too. And I came here for lunch.

- Best wings in the city. - Yeah.

You know, I actually wrote a short story about them once.

What are you, a writer?

Only in the most futile sense of the word.

No, actually, I'm an editor of a small trade publication, Modern Luggage.

- Really? - Oh, great.

The two of you are here on the same night.

Here, why don't you just take 'em all?

I'll go file the bankruptcy papers.

Well, some people come here for the chicken wings,

others for the down-home hospitality.

I've been eyeing this one up for a while.

- Oh yeah. - Hey, let me get one for you.

I think you're swell.

I don't know.

I mean, they all seem normal when I first start dating them,

but then they always end up

up being married or lesbians or a hooker.

Genius or just nuts.

- We're two of a kind. - Believe me, I know the feeling.

I think someone wants us to leave.

Yeah, well, it is getting pretty late.

You know, I had a great time talking with you.

Listen--

You're going to make him your friend.

You wanna get together sometime?

- Sure, yeah, that'd be great. - Okay.

Oh, by the way, what is your name?

- Oh, yeah, Martin Tupper. - Brian Levy.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Hey! You went--

Oh.

- Nice place. - Thanks.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

♪ And so say all of us ♪

Yeah!

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

- ♪ Which nobody can deny ♪ - I've got this.

No, no, what are you doin'? Here, here.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

There you go.

Hey, Mort, open up. America needs to be entertained.

I'm sorry, I can't let you through.

What? Oh, the gate's broken again?

All right, I'll use the West gate,

but I bet you wouldn't do this to Seinfeld.

No, sir, we got this memo. Your series has been retooled.

What? Retooled?

Hey, Chad, did you hear the show's been retooled or something?

Oh, yeah.

They ran the whole idea by Marketing and it didn't fly,

so they're replacing you with a talking cat.

Oh, like Mr. Ed, only with a cat.

- I can't believe this. - It totally sucks, bud.

Hey, I was gonna go to the mat for you,

but you gotta pick your fights.

Hey, Chad, can I have a ride?

Hop in.

Ciao.

Hey, could you back out? You're blocking traffic.

Oh, no way. I'm calling my agent.

Not on that. That's studio property.

There's a pay phone at the 7-Eleven.

For years, my father was complaining

how he couldn't stand the sight of my mother.

One week after the divorce, he moves in with her twin sister.

Oh! Well, look on the bright side.

At least your father moved in with a woman.

Oh, yeah, a bright side. She's my aunt,

my stepmother, my aunt, my stepmother!

No, she's my aunt and my stepmother!

I'm gonna get more coffee.

- Okay. - Okay.

My aunt, my stepmother--

You know, he reminds me a little bit of Conrad.

Yeah, yeah, except without

that all-consuming hatred of Black people.

Martin, you should really give Conrad another chance.

I mean, you probably just misunderstood him.

Maybe he was just trying to order a drink.

Look, I'm not a bartender, but I'm pretty sure

there's no drink called a Jigaboo Factor, okay?

I'll get that.

Thank you.

Please.

Hey, Bud! Uh, hi.

I can't see the face, but that voice has a familiar stupidity to it.

- Uh, is Martin here? - Yeah.

- Hey. - Oh, well, well.

- Eddie, what are you doing here? - What do you mean?

It's opening day. Where else would I be?

I think I'll help Judith clean up.

Thanks, bud.

Can I speak to you outside for a minute?

So what happened to the barbecue?

Queen Latifah ran out of briquettes?

No, man, the show didn't work out.

It was bullshit anyway.

But I'm back at home sweet home.

And I'm back in New York, so let's go to the game.

Oh! Oh, you wanna go to the game?

Why don't you go with Chad Spencer?

Or maybe your pool guy can get you tickets.

Or maybe you've got a ticket guy, too.

Oh, listen, bud, those people didn't mean anything to me.

I got a cab downstairs.

To err is human, to forgive, divine, isn't that right?

No, I don't think so.

- I'm going with Brian. - Who?

That guy that answered the door. Who the hell is he?

It just so happens that Brian and I have more in common

than you and I ever had.

Plus, he doesn't take me for granted.

Oh, maybe so, but I'm your best friend.

Oh, come on, Eddie. You and I just stayed together out of habit.

If we met right now, we wouldn't even be friends.

So 30 years of history doesn't mean anything?

No. See you around.

Sorry about that.

- Where's Judith? - In the bathroom.

Okay, we better get going. Come on.

Actually, there's this brilliant new French pianist

giving a free concert up at the Hunter this afternoon.

Actually, I'd rather go to the Met game. Come on.

No, no, you see, I was thinking about asking Judith to go to the concert.

You can get somebody to go to the game with you can't you?

- You're gonna ask out my ex-wife? - Yeah, she's great, huh?

She reminds me of my ex-wife, only she doesn't hate me yet.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What kind of a guy hits on his best friend's ex-wife?

Best friend? What are you talking about?

I've known you for a week.

I'm not sure I want you for a lifelong friend.

- You might give me the willies. - Get out.

- What? - Get out!

Get out. Get out of here. Go on.

- What are you doing? - Go on. Get out.

- All right. - Go on, beat it.

- What are you, crazy? - Get out of here!

What's going on? Where's Brian?

Ah, fuck Brian.

- What happened? - What happened? What happened?

I'll tell you what happened. He's a fucking asshole.

That's it. That's it. That's it. I've had it with men.

I mean, they're all the same.

How about you? Hmm? How about you?

- Do you want to go to the game? - Uh, not really, no.

But you know who a really big baseball fan is?

Conrad.

Never mind.

I'm alone in the world.

It's all over for the Mets.

They're gonna lose yet another one.

So, why aren't you at the game with your new best friend?

It's really none of your concern, is it?

The piece of shit. He was gonna hit on Judith.

Ow, that's cold.

Now, say what you want about me, but I never did that.

No, no, no, you just hit on my girlfriends.

Exactly.

Gotta know where to draw the line.

Boy, you think you know someone.

Oh, fuck that guy. You deserve better than that.

Yeah, and I deserve better than you, too.

Yeah, and I deserve better than you.

Hey, we seem to be two of a kind on this deal.

Let's keep it that way.

Look, I paid 50 bucks apiece for these tickets.

You wanna just head over to Shea?

Oh, what, I'm supposed to just take you back after what you said to me?

Yes. I also expect you to pay for the cab fare.

Oh, fuck that. I took an $80,000 pay cut just so I could get my job back.

You can pay for the cab.

Your pay cut is more than I make in a year.

Okay, so you are gonna pay for the cab.

I see your point.

Let's go.