Original subtitles

Oh, I know a great little Cuban restaurant near--

Oh, oh, well, what did you have in mind?

Right.

Right, the place with the jousting.

Why don't we just go see the new Scorsese film?

There might be some yelling.

Look, could you hold on for just a minute?

Why do I--

Oh, gosh, you're not going to believe this.

That was my boss.

Yeah, I have to put out a little fire.

No, that's just a figure of speech.

Look, why don't I call you when...

Tokyo freezes over.

...when things settle down a little?

You're right. Okay.

Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

Martin, we sprinkled toner on Fred's chair.

You want to be there when he stands up?

Thanks, Toby, but I was there when you did it to Carter this morning,

and it's still pretty fresh in my mind, okay?

When are you going to snap out of it?

- Snap out of what? - Martin, it's me, Toby.

I've known you for as long as you've known me.

I've seen your ups, your downs, your smiles, your sad faces.

Speak.

I might as well get this over my chest right now.

It's this whole dating thing.

You know, I mean, there's never any chemistry or magic.

You know, I just--

I don't know. Maybe I should just...

- Take a break. - Take a break.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

One time, me and the shoe clerk I was dating

were in Atlantic City, losing our butts off at keno.

I said, "Let's take a break."

We went to the bar, right there on the stool,

I found a hairbrush. Like new. I'm still using it.

Hi. That Fred guy has a big black stain on his pants.

Oh, rats! I missed it!

Jude, could we skip lunch today? I have to...

...put out a little fire.

Oh, sure. I've got a million things to do.

Guess who's coming to visit? Bess Justin.

Really?

Really?

Is-- is-- is what's his name coming with her

or is he gearing up for another Toyota-thon?

No, no, no, no. They divorced about a year ago.

Oh, what a shame. She's a poor kid.

No, no, she's doing great.

She's flying all over the world

doing some kind of software thing.

Apparently, her program controls all the stoplights in Monaco.

Oh. [chuckles] Good for her.

So, when's she getting in? 'Cause I'd love to say hello.

Well, maybe you can stop by for a minute,

but, you know, we haven't seen each other since-- God.

Professor Donnelly's cremation.

We want to spend as much time together as we can.

Okay?

We'll see about that.

You see the icon that says "exit"?

Yeah, the one with the little door.

Just click there and you're out.

No, it's not a problem at all, Your Highness.

Beep me any time. Bye-bye.

I gave Prince Albert a copy of Doom when I was in Monaco.

I get this call every night.

Well, I bet you don't get this every night.

Oh, Jude.

Crème De Menthe and ginger snaps.

The only thing that's missing is the Mark Spitz poster and...

Leah Adams.

Oh, Bess, do it for me once.

- No. - Come on, please, Bess.

All right.

Can I hang with you guys?

Rhonda's blowing Mike again.

I remember Mikey had, like, the--

Oh, yes.

Okay, okay, my shoes are off, my answer machine is on.

We are not leaving this couch until you tell me

everything that's happened to you in the last five years.

Well, a lot has happened.

Oh, shoot.

It's Leah Adams.

I'm being punished for imitating her.

- Martin. - Jude.

- Bess. - Martin, hi.

Wow, you look great.

I've never stopped loving you.

Needing you.

I wasn't even sure you'd be around.

But I am around. I'm right here.

Maybe you should think about leaving because we were just settling in.

Don't get too settled in. There's someone else in the neighborhood.

Steely Dan at the Garden tonight.

Oh, my God.

Remember when Dealer Bob got us tickets to see them,

and we drove all the way to Syracuse,

and it turned out to be England Dan and John Ford Coley?

When we called him, he swore that if we got really stoned,

they'd sound exactly the same, right?

Yep, those were the days,

but Bess just flew in,

and I'm sure she's really exhausted, so...

Actually, I'm still on West Coast time,

and nobody loves Steely Dan more than you, Jude.

Well, yeah, but, I don't know, I just was hoping that--

If you don't want to go, we can just put our coats on your seat.

No, we should all go. Come on, Jude.

We can smuggle in the Crème De Menthe in the hip flask.

Okay. Oh, okay.

But just let me go to the bathroom first,

because I don't want to spend half the concert waiting in line, so, just...

Go ahead. Move in. Take charge.

So, anyway, he's going on and on about covalent bonds or something.

He doesn't even notice his lab coat has caught on fire.

Well, hello.

I mean, you-- Nobody even said anything?

Nobody could move, it was, like, slow motion.

Right, when the DA runs in, right, totally panics,

wraps him up in the periodic chart, he goes...

Well, hello.

As Dealer Bob used to say,

"I've got to go empty the Bong Water."

It's right through there, yeah,

just straight ahead and off to the left there.

Oh, God.

Oh, oh, Martin, thank you.

Thank you so much for those concert tickets.

I really-- I had such a great time.

Jude, you know, I was just thinking, you know,

it maybe would be easier for you if Bess just stayed here tonight.

- Why? - Well, you're always doing for everybody, you know?

When's it going to be your turn?

Why don't you just go home and have yourself a nice bath?

Oh, well, thank you for offering,

but I don't think so.

Are you sure?

'Cause Jeremy's bed is already made and...

She already has her shoes off. She has to put her shoes back on,

go back to your place, take her shoes off.

What the hell are you talking about?

It's as plain as the nose on your face.

I forgot how cute you are when you're out of the loop.

Well, why don't you just fill me in?

Okay, okay, but I'm surprised you never noticed.

Ever since college, there's been

this incredible sexual tension between me and Bess.

- Really? - Yeah.

But I never did anything about it,

because you and us.

But now...

Mm-hmm. Okay, Martin.

Give me the beer. You're already delusional.

One more of these, you'll be tearing up

and calling everybody "man."

Come on, Bess, I've got your coat.

You know what, Judith? It's only ten o'clock for me.

Why don't you go on ahead?

I'll hang here with Martin for a while,

and then I'll let myself in.

If that's okay with you, Martin...

No problem. I'm wide awake.

I napped all day at work.

Oh, okay, if that's what you want.

You don't have to wait up.

I'll get the key from the doorman. I'll see you in the morning.

Uh-huh.

Just go with it, Jude. It's bigger than the both of us.

Well, I guess this is what's known

as being alone at last.

"He stood in the quad where he and Jill

had almost kissed last semester.

But--

But now he was alone in the snow.

And each falling flake seemed to call her name.

'Jill! Jill! Jill!

Jill?'"

That's beautiful.

I remember the day that it came out in the Quill and Ink.

- Was Jill Judith? - No, no, no.

Jill was the one that got away.

That's what I was gonna call it,

but I went with The Frostbitten Heart.

Mmm.

Is it warm in here?

It won't be long now!

It's probably this lamp.

You know, it's like a blast furnace.

I have a bit of a confession.

I love you. I love you.

- I love you. - Confess away.

All night, I've been hoping to get you alone.

You see, I came to New York for a reason,

and it's not what Judith thinks it is.

Well, the Knicks aren't in town, so it can't be that.

No.

But before I do anything,

I have to make sure that you and Judith are completely over,

because I wouldn't want to step on any toes.

Oh, no, no. We're way, way, way over.

So you step anywhere you like.

There's no way you're gonna hit a toe.

Okay. Here goes.

Ever since college,

I've always been attracted to

Judith.

Judith?

You can't be attracted to Judith.

I mean, that would make you a...

- Lisbon. - Lollipop.

- Jillian La Rue. - A lesbian.

That's the word I was looking for.

For years, I tried to write it off as an adolescent fantasy,

but when you're 35 and you still like girls...

So that's why you're here?

So you can have s--

dates with Judith?

I know she's a little naive,

but I'm surprised you never picked up

on the incredible sexual tension whenever we're together.

Apparently not.

Anyway, I wanted to get your opinion

on whether Judith might be receptive,

because she and I have a very special relationship,

and I don't wanna do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable.

Look, Judith and I have a very special relationship too.

You know, I really don't think she'd be interested in...

...what you're interested in.

- Really? - Really.

I mean, in 13 years of marriage,

not once did Judith ever lesbianize.

I kind of figured you'd say that,

but I thought I'd ask.

Thanks. You're a sweetheart.

If at first you don't succeed, try again.

Uh, just out of curiosity.

Do you still ever have sex with people other than...

- women? - Once in a while.

But only with someone I'm really,

really attracted to.

Anyway, I should be going. Good night.

Jude.

I was just going to call you, because we've got to talk.

- You have nothing to say to me. - Actually, that's not true.

Martin, I was just trying to remember

the last time I was this angry with you.

You know when it was? Never.

How could you hit on my best friend?

No, maybe you don't know your best friend quite as well as you think.

Oh, well, how could I?

I haven't had two minutes alone with her.

Just tell me, what is it, Martin, huh?

Have you finally slept with every woman in New York?

Because if so, then go to New Jersey

or Pennsylvania or American Samoa,

but Bess came to visit me, not you.

So just butt out.

All right, but remember, you asked for it.

- You know what? - Mm.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I was wrong to impose and I apologize.

Thank you.

You and your best friend

spend all the time you want together.

I'm the Invisible Man.

I shall have my revenge.

Bess,

I wasn't totally honest with you last night.

You know, I-- I think Judith might be interested.

Hmm?

Oh, I just didn't want to admit it, you know, because she's my ex-wife and everything.

But if you two can be happy together,

I do not want to stand in the way.

You know, so really, I--

I think it might be worth a shot.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, I gotta go.

Well, everybody sort of enjoys a practical joke.

- You find everything? - Yeah.

It's just been such a great evening.

- I hate to see it end. - Oh, who says it has to?

Come on in, close the door. We'll just gab until we nod off.

It's too bad we don't have a deck of cards.

- We could play spades for backrubs. - Oh, you beat me anyway.

- Yeah, that's true. - Sit up.

No argument here.

Ah, tense anyone?

Oh, God, you know that knot right there, that little one?

It's a two-minute conversation with Martin Tupper this morning.

Oh, well, then I guess this knot has my name on it, too.

Oh, please, I completely flew off the handle.

I mean, that I could even suspect you and Martin! God.

- He's so clearly not your type. - You're not kidding.

How do you do that?

It's like you have this sixth sense

about knowing exactly what I need.

Well, that's because I love you.

Mmm. I love you, too.

Ah.

Oh, Bess, you have the best hands.

And they're touching my breasts.

- How does it feel? - Ah.

Like they're touching my breasts.

Ah. How about some cocoa?

Jude, the real reason Ray and I broke up is because I'm gay.

Really?

Well, uh,

I don't believe you mentioned that in your Christmas letter.

Well, I kind of wanted to tell you in person.

And now I did.

Mmm. Wow. Well, uh--

That's something.

And we should, um--

We should really talk about it more.

Sometime. Uh.

Tomorrow morning, maybe?

Because, uh...

Well,

right now I am just so sleepy.

Well, it has been a big day.

Mmm. Big. Big.

Big, big, big.

So, do you want me to leave?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, stay or leave or whatever.

Because, you know, I'm practically asleep.

- Night, Bess. - Night.

I've been conducting an experiment.

Hi, Thelma. How are you?

- My son's out of prison. - Great. Great. Is Judith here?

She's still in the sack.

Uh, I'll get it.

Hey, sleepy head.

Rise and shine.

I just wanted to see how you're evening went.

- Martin? - Hi.

Oh.

In bed? Together?

Were they naked?

It's like the whole world has turned upside down.

What's next? What's next?

Are they gonna repeal the laws of gravity?

So, I wonder who was the man.

I know Bess has more experience,

but Judith has that real bossy streak to her.

Cut it out, will ya? Cut it out. Maybe nothing happened.

You know, maybe they're just lying there.

Come on, man. They're women.

I mean, they're all basically bi.

Given the chance. Think about it.

- Ooh. - That's it. That's it. Get out.

What? What? What about lunch?

Buy yourself a hot dog and a women's golf magazine. Just get out.

Hey, Judith. What's new?

Oh, nothing.

Martin, I've been calling you all morning. Why haven't you called me back?

- Well, because... - I've been trying to avoid you.

...because Eddie and I have been very busy making lunch plans,

and it's just about time to put them into action.

Eddie, this is important. Do you mind?

Oh, no. No, no.

I'll go and get us a table.

Martin, I just really need to talk to you

about this thing with Bess.

There's nothing to talk about, Jude, two women curled up in the same bed.

It pretty much speaks for itself.

Yeah, well, I guess that must have looked a little unusual.

No, no, no, no.

You went down on another woman. Happens all the time.

- I did not go down on her. - Oh, good idea. Good idea.

Hold out until she asks you to the spring formal.

I can't believe you're acting this way.

Me? I'm not the one who's acting weird.

When you came in here, did I have my tongue down Eddie's throat?

Oh, for God's sakes, Martin,

can't you see that I'm falling apart here?

I mean, my shoes don't even match.

I can't go home to change them because I might run into Bess

and I don't know what to say to her.

I came here thinking that I could talk to you,

but obviously... ...I can't.

Every time I open a big mouth, I put a stick of dynamite in it.

Bess, what are you doing?

This has nothing to do with last night.

Uh, uh, Thelma,

why don't you just take the rest of the day off?

Okey-doke.

I have to catch a 5:30 flight.

The Haitian government's database index is out of sync.

You'd think that would be the least of their problems.

Could you just sit down with me for a few minutes?

I really feel like we need to talk.

I think that's a good idea.

You have to be a big man to admit you've been wrong.

They're in there. I'm going to High Line.

Oh, Bess, how can I explain this?

You're my soulmate.

I've always felt the same way.

If you had had a penis,

I probably would have married you instead of Martin.

- Martin, wha-- - What is it with you, Bess? Huh?

You come in here with your--

your slacks and try to convert her to your coven of Amazons,

like some kind of lesbian missionary.

All right, I think you should go now.

- What? So you two can go spoon? - What is it with you?

Why are you so threatened all of a sudden?

Threatened? Let me tell you something, sister.

I have a penis, and you don't.

Even if you did, I'd still be as much of a man as you are.

You know what I mean, and I'm not sure do.

Judith, I don't care what urges

you think you may have right now.

Oh, the only urge I'm having right now

is to smash a vase over your head.

I am not a lesbian.

I have never been one, and I never will be.

I was really hoping that would come out a little more gracefully.

- Sometimes bluntness is-- - Shut up, Martin.

Bess, what I'm trying to say is that I care about you a lot.

Emotionally, spiritually, just not...

breast-touchingly.

And God, I hope what I'm saying isn't horrible,

because I just--

I really, really don't want this to get in the way of our friendship.

Jude, I understand.

If you're not wired for it, you're not wired for it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed,

but I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.

And don't worry, I would never let this affect us.

I guess that derails your little train, doesn't it?

Martin, what's with this attitude?

You're the one who told me Judith would be up for it.

- Oh, yeah, it slipped my mind. - You told her what?

Come on, we were just chatting, and she probably just took it the wrong way.

Come off, you called me up to give me your blessing.

I think we're all missing the point.

What's at issue here is that I--

That Bess has a plane to catch, and I'm...

just gonna grab those bags.

Don't touch those bags.

I am taking my best friend to the airport.

You can show yourself out.

Thank you.

That'll work too.

Perhaps this will be a lesson to you,

Mr. Practical Joker.

...an invisible man.

Well, look here. You put more water...

Is there a reason you're in my bed?

I was just waiting for you to come home to--

To what? Hmm?

Protect me from Julie and Jill next door

in case they ask me to be in a threesome?

Julie and Jill are lesbians?

I thought they were twins.

Jude, I just wanted to apologize.

I thought the chances of you stopping by

for a nightcap were you know, kind of slim.

First of all, I am furious with you.

And second, use a coaster.

Sorry about the glass.

I'm sorry about hitting on Bess, and I'm sorry about telling Bess to hit on you,

and basically I'm just sorry about the last 72 hours.

All right, just help me out here.

What exactly was going through

that very troubled mind of yours?

I don't know. I don't know.

You know, I guess I was jealous.

- First I was horny, and then I was jealous. - Jealous?

How could you think that I would have

a sexual relationship with Bess?

It wasn't just the lesbian thing,

you know, although I didn't enjoy that so much.

But I've been hearing all this talk

about you two being best friends,

you know, and soulmates.

Yeah, well, we are.

So the whole time we were married, you were just closing your eyes

and imagining Bess's face on my body?

Oh, God, even you can't be that insecure.

- You want to bet? - Of course not.

But I like to think that for the last 20 years,

I've been more to you than just a... a penis.

Martin, don't be ridiculous.

God, I haven't even used your penis in ages.

Every time I want to celebrate something or cry about something,

or just hang out and watch old movies, who do I call?

- Me? - See?

You're more than just a penis.

Sometimes you act like one.

- You forgive me? - Of course I forgive you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I just want you to know that you've always been

- more to me than just a-- - Thank you. Martin.

Want some rice pudding?

It's Bess is favorite, and I have a ton of it left.

Sure. Sure.

- Wasn't much of a visit, was it? - Oh, it's okay.

No, we're spending Christmas together in Maui.

Sounds great.